Really, we could just order pizza
August 3, 2019 7:21 PM Subscribe
My partner and I live very close to their parents, who often invite us over for dinner. Frequently this is just ordering out, but sometimes MIL likes to cook. However, she has significant attention and organization problems which results in dinner often not happening until several hours after the designated time. This is negatively affecting my partner's health, and we're trying to figure how to handle future dinner invites. Snowflakes inside.
It probably sounds like we're ungrateful children taking a hard-working mother for granted, but please hear me out. MIL and FIL are big family people and invite us over for dinner often multiple times a week. Sunday dinners are a fixed commitment MIL set up and insisted on, but if we aren't busy they'll invite us to come over during the week or on a Saturday as well. Sometimes this is takeout, sometimes this is going out to dinner, sometimes this is FIL taking charge of cooking a meal, and sometimes MIL takes charge of making a meal. MIL cooks a little more often than FIL but much more often it's takeout that FIL pays for (MIL and FIL are divorced but recently rekindled their relationship, they have separate finances). We are really appreciative of any and all of these meals and express this every time we go over; any time they suggest a home-cooked meal, we always say we're also happy to pick something up if they decide they don't want to cook (we're both chronically ill and can't really cook ourselves, or we'd offer to bring something we made). We do also invite them to our place, but our apartment is much more cramped and they both usually don't want to leave the house and they usually suggest we come over there instead.
The problem is when MIL cooks, dinner often doesn't happen until several hours past the agreed upon time. She's extremely disorganized and has a very poor concept of time, and is very, very easily distracted. FIL helps her with this (as well as physically helping with making dinner) as much as he can, but when she cooks, she has her own idea/plan that she doesn't communicate very well, so he's still stuck on her timetable. Partner and I also try help when we are able to come over early, but it's a small kitchen and there's usually not room for more than two people. A regular pattern is she says dinner at 5, we show up at 4 to help, but she's still out running errands until 5:30. She gets home and has to take a shower/feed the cats/put in a load of laundry so doesn't start dinner until 6. Partner helps by chopping vegetables (in the dining room because it's the only non-cluttered surface in the house, so she doesn't have a visual on MIL) while MIL starts the meat, but MIL gets distracted organizing and putting things away so by the time partner is done, MIL has just started marinating the meat. Then when the meat and vegetables are almost done MIL realizes she was going to make rice with it, so leaves the meat on the warmer and starts the rice, but doesn't actually tell anyone that the meat and vegetables are done and we're just waiting on the rice (which would mean hungry people could start eating), and all in all we don't eat until 7.
It's a free home-cooked meal, so I have absolutely no complaints in regards to myself. I dislike the sensation of being very hungry, but I'm a poor grad student and she's doing this out of the kindness of her heart. I and my partner make sure to express how grateful we are to her every time she cooks. The problem is, my (non-diabetic) partner has issues with low blood sugar, which they have had their whole life and MIL is very aware of. They need small, frequent meals, and if they wait too long to eat they get headaches, dizziness, and nausea (FIL has the same problem). This happens frequently when MIL makes dinner. Partner has tried to deal with it by eating a big snack around 3 or 4 before we come over, but this generally only holds them over if dinner happens by 6, but dinner often happens much later. MIL generally either can't or won't give us time estimates, so it's impossible to know if this is going to be a day where we don't eat until 7, and they should actually eat something at 5. Another problem is they are on a medication that needs to be taken four hours after a meal, and because of the way their other meds work, they have to take this medication at bedtime. They go to bed at 10pm, which means if they are not done eating by 6 then the food will interfere with their medication.
About two months ago, we and FIL gently brought this up, and re-iterated that we are happy to pick up something or order takeout any time it seems like dinner isn't going to happen by 6, or if she just doesn't want to cook for any reason. FIL always offers to pay and can more than afford to do so, so this isn't her feeling guilty about making us buy food out, or feeling like they can't afford to eat out. The default expectation has always been that FIL will either make or buy dinner, he never asks her to make food ( he handled food for himself + kids for 17 years so he's used to doing that on his own), it only happens when she decides she really wants to cook something.
MIL agreed that she would try and do better, but the situation hasn't really improved, despite us bringing it up a few more times. Today MIL invited us over for a dinner that did not happen until 7. Just as the food was ready, my partner started getting auras and blind spots, because low blood sugar can trigger migraines for them. This generally only happens a few times a year, so they aren't medicated for it. Partner's migraines follow a pattern of about 15-30 minutes of aura, and then comes pain debilitating enough that it would make them unsafe to drive. When partner said they were getting a migraine MIL asked if it was because they were hungry, partner confirmed, and MIL kind of laughed and rubbed their shoulder and brushed it off. Partner thanked them for making dinner and said they would try and eat something very quickly, but they needed to leave before they became incapacitated. FIL looked confused so I started explaining their migraine pattern and MIL cut me off, saying "I know what a migraine is." She seemed dismissive and unconcerned and left to go play with the cat upstairs. We got home just as partner's auras stopped and the pain started, so we definitely couldn't have stayed any longer.
We really do appreciate the time and effort she puts into food, and we make sure to always tell her this. But this is bad for my partner's health, and we really can't be risking migraines, especially since they aren't medicated and can only sleep a migraine off. The problem is, the timing is so inconsistent that we can't just assume we won't be eating until 7--sometimes it does happen on time, but we generally don't know that until the food is actually ready. So trying to adjust meals so that partner doesn't go too long without eating doesn't really work. But it seems really demanding to say, "Sorry, we can't join you for dinner unless it's going to happen by six." We're perfectly willing to give up her home-cooked meals entirely (honestly--some of what she cooks is great, but she has odd tastes, and a lot of times we'd just prefer the sandwich shop), but it also seems rude to say, "Sorry, we can't join you for dinner unless we're getting takeout" or "We can only come join you for dinner if FIL is cooking." But if they invite us over in the evening, dinner has to be a part of the plans, or we're going to have to either 1) leave after an hour to make sure we get home in time to be able to make dinner for ourselves, or 2) make and eat dinner before we come over, and then in most cases sit awkwardly while they eat. Do we have to just decline coming over in the evening ever? That seems unfair to FIL, who is only home in the evening, unlike MIL who often sees us during the day as well. This is a guy who was in between jobs and got a ton of very promising out of state offers but denied all of them, because, quote, "I'm not moving away from you guys, I refuse to do that." He enjoys spending time with us that much.
We've considered bringing snacks when we go over, but that doesn't solve the problem of the medication that needs to be taken four hours after a meal, and because MIL does not give time estimates and often makes it sound like dinner is almost done (even if it's an hour away), partner doesn't want to eat something and then have not have room for the food MIL worked so hard on if it happens to be done in the next 15-30 minutes. We try and head it off when it seems like dinner is unlikely to happen in a timely fashion, but MIL usually insists--even today, MIL called early in the day because she was frazzled and disorganized about dinner and didn't have FIL around to help her work through it. Partner suggested we just get pizza and she said, "We're NOT having pizza, I have plenty of chicken to cook." We've tried multiple times to make it clear to her that this isn't just partner being hungry, it's them feeling seriously sick, and, in the case of the migraine, making it unsafe for them to drive home. I'm not sure if she's not getting it, or just not being able to manage her time effectively. Is there anything we can do to change this situation that won't be super rude and unappreciative, but also won't be damaging to my partner's health?
It probably sounds like we're ungrateful children taking a hard-working mother for granted, but please hear me out. MIL and FIL are big family people and invite us over for dinner often multiple times a week. Sunday dinners are a fixed commitment MIL set up and insisted on, but if we aren't busy they'll invite us to come over during the week or on a Saturday as well. Sometimes this is takeout, sometimes this is going out to dinner, sometimes this is FIL taking charge of cooking a meal, and sometimes MIL takes charge of making a meal. MIL cooks a little more often than FIL but much more often it's takeout that FIL pays for (MIL and FIL are divorced but recently rekindled their relationship, they have separate finances). We are really appreciative of any and all of these meals and express this every time we go over; any time they suggest a home-cooked meal, we always say we're also happy to pick something up if they decide they don't want to cook (we're both chronically ill and can't really cook ourselves, or we'd offer to bring something we made). We do also invite them to our place, but our apartment is much more cramped and they both usually don't want to leave the house and they usually suggest we come over there instead.
The problem is when MIL cooks, dinner often doesn't happen until several hours past the agreed upon time. She's extremely disorganized and has a very poor concept of time, and is very, very easily distracted. FIL helps her with this (as well as physically helping with making dinner) as much as he can, but when she cooks, she has her own idea/plan that she doesn't communicate very well, so he's still stuck on her timetable. Partner and I also try help when we are able to come over early, but it's a small kitchen and there's usually not room for more than two people. A regular pattern is she says dinner at 5, we show up at 4 to help, but she's still out running errands until 5:30. She gets home and has to take a shower/feed the cats/put in a load of laundry so doesn't start dinner until 6. Partner helps by chopping vegetables (in the dining room because it's the only non-cluttered surface in the house, so she doesn't have a visual on MIL) while MIL starts the meat, but MIL gets distracted organizing and putting things away so by the time partner is done, MIL has just started marinating the meat. Then when the meat and vegetables are almost done MIL realizes she was going to make rice with it, so leaves the meat on the warmer and starts the rice, but doesn't actually tell anyone that the meat and vegetables are done and we're just waiting on the rice (which would mean hungry people could start eating), and all in all we don't eat until 7.
It's a free home-cooked meal, so I have absolutely no complaints in regards to myself. I dislike the sensation of being very hungry, but I'm a poor grad student and she's doing this out of the kindness of her heart. I and my partner make sure to express how grateful we are to her every time she cooks. The problem is, my (non-diabetic) partner has issues with low blood sugar, which they have had their whole life and MIL is very aware of. They need small, frequent meals, and if they wait too long to eat they get headaches, dizziness, and nausea (FIL has the same problem). This happens frequently when MIL makes dinner. Partner has tried to deal with it by eating a big snack around 3 or 4 before we come over, but this generally only holds them over if dinner happens by 6, but dinner often happens much later. MIL generally either can't or won't give us time estimates, so it's impossible to know if this is going to be a day where we don't eat until 7, and they should actually eat something at 5. Another problem is they are on a medication that needs to be taken four hours after a meal, and because of the way their other meds work, they have to take this medication at bedtime. They go to bed at 10pm, which means if they are not done eating by 6 then the food will interfere with their medication.
About two months ago, we and FIL gently brought this up, and re-iterated that we are happy to pick up something or order takeout any time it seems like dinner isn't going to happen by 6, or if she just doesn't want to cook for any reason. FIL always offers to pay and can more than afford to do so, so this isn't her feeling guilty about making us buy food out, or feeling like they can't afford to eat out. The default expectation has always been that FIL will either make or buy dinner, he never asks her to make food ( he handled food for himself + kids for 17 years so he's used to doing that on his own), it only happens when she decides she really wants to cook something.
MIL agreed that she would try and do better, but the situation hasn't really improved, despite us bringing it up a few more times. Today MIL invited us over for a dinner that did not happen until 7. Just as the food was ready, my partner started getting auras and blind spots, because low blood sugar can trigger migraines for them. This generally only happens a few times a year, so they aren't medicated for it. Partner's migraines follow a pattern of about 15-30 minutes of aura, and then comes pain debilitating enough that it would make them unsafe to drive. When partner said they were getting a migraine MIL asked if it was because they were hungry, partner confirmed, and MIL kind of laughed and rubbed their shoulder and brushed it off. Partner thanked them for making dinner and said they would try and eat something very quickly, but they needed to leave before they became incapacitated. FIL looked confused so I started explaining their migraine pattern and MIL cut me off, saying "I know what a migraine is." She seemed dismissive and unconcerned and left to go play with the cat upstairs. We got home just as partner's auras stopped and the pain started, so we definitely couldn't have stayed any longer.
We really do appreciate the time and effort she puts into food, and we make sure to always tell her this. But this is bad for my partner's health, and we really can't be risking migraines, especially since they aren't medicated and can only sleep a migraine off. The problem is, the timing is so inconsistent that we can't just assume we won't be eating until 7--sometimes it does happen on time, but we generally don't know that until the food is actually ready. So trying to adjust meals so that partner doesn't go too long without eating doesn't really work. But it seems really demanding to say, "Sorry, we can't join you for dinner unless it's going to happen by six." We're perfectly willing to give up her home-cooked meals entirely (honestly--some of what she cooks is great, but she has odd tastes, and a lot of times we'd just prefer the sandwich shop), but it also seems rude to say, "Sorry, we can't join you for dinner unless we're getting takeout" or "We can only come join you for dinner if FIL is cooking." But if they invite us over in the evening, dinner has to be a part of the plans, or we're going to have to either 1) leave after an hour to make sure we get home in time to be able to make dinner for ourselves, or 2) make and eat dinner before we come over, and then in most cases sit awkwardly while they eat. Do we have to just decline coming over in the evening ever? That seems unfair to FIL, who is only home in the evening, unlike MIL who often sees us during the day as well. This is a guy who was in between jobs and got a ton of very promising out of state offers but denied all of them, because, quote, "I'm not moving away from you guys, I refuse to do that." He enjoys spending time with us that much.
We've considered bringing snacks when we go over, but that doesn't solve the problem of the medication that needs to be taken four hours after a meal, and because MIL does not give time estimates and often makes it sound like dinner is almost done (even if it's an hour away), partner doesn't want to eat something and then have not have room for the food MIL worked so hard on if it happens to be done in the next 15-30 minutes. We try and head it off when it seems like dinner is unlikely to happen in a timely fashion, but MIL usually insists--even today, MIL called early in the day because she was frazzled and disorganized about dinner and didn't have FIL around to help her work through it. Partner suggested we just get pizza and she said, "We're NOT having pizza, I have plenty of chicken to cook." We've tried multiple times to make it clear to her that this isn't just partner being hungry, it's them feeling seriously sick, and, in the case of the migraine, making it unsafe for them to drive home. I'm not sure if she's not getting it, or just not being able to manage her time effectively. Is there anything we can do to change this situation that won't be super rude and unappreciative, but also won't be damaging to my partner's health?
if it were me experiencing these health issues personally, I’d treat Mom nights way differently. I would not show up early to “help.” I would eat my own dinner ahead of time and let it be known that I need to head home by 8. I would bring cards or appetizers or a crossword to do while MIL does her thing. I would eat a small amount of her food if she made it in time and then discretely toss what I don’t want to eat while thanking and praising and oh my, look at the time! Maybe clean up the kitchen a bit or entirely if it is reasonable and then just leave when you said you would.
I would also say, “hey, these European style late night dinners are just not working with my medication schedule and health needs so I’ll just need to hit the road always by X time.” You have to follow through though if you want to either retrain her or make your health paramount.
posted by amanda at 7:49 PM on August 3, 2019 [44 favorites]
I would also say, “hey, these European style late night dinners are just not working with my medication schedule and health needs so I’ll just need to hit the road always by X time.” You have to follow through though if you want to either retrain her or make your health paramount.
posted by amanda at 7:49 PM on August 3, 2019 [44 favorites]
You eat a meal at home at 5. Then you head over to MIL's place. You hang out til 8, then you go home. If a meal has been served at a time won't interfere with the meds schedule, eat a bit of it. If not, go home anyway.
I seriously can't imagine putting up with the situation you've described here more than once. Twice MAYBE if you thought the first time was an accident. But you know the score now. So why are you putting yourself in that situation again?
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:00 PM on August 3, 2019 [30 favorites]
I seriously can't imagine putting up with the situation you've described here more than once. Twice MAYBE if you thought the first time was an accident. But you know the score now. So why are you putting yourself in that situation again?
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:00 PM on August 3, 2019 [30 favorites]
Have snacks preplanned already and tell her you’ll have to leave at 8pm (or what we) regardless of when dinner is served. When it becomes obvious dinner isn’t going to happen on time, eat your snacks. When it hits 8pm, leave. Even if dinner has just been served. She’ll get the message. MIL clearly knows at this point, she just doesn’t care because you all keep accomodate her lack of planning. Stop doing that and she’ll get her act together. Or not, but either way it won’t affect you anymore.
posted by Jubey at 8:00 PM on August 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 8:00 PM on August 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
Regardless of everyone's feelings and all these complications, the fact is that your partner has a medical need to stop eating at six, but to be fully-fed at that point. Therefore it sounds to me like your partner needs to be bringing a full meal with when MIL is going to be cooking, and if she's not ready with her stuff at 5:30, then your partner eats their own food in sufficient quantities (not just snacks) to conform with the medication/bedtime situation. It's too bad that you won't all get to eat together, but these are medical requirements and sometimes not everyone can have the same food at the same time even when they're family. A person sitting at the table keeping the others who are eating company is not the terrible thing it's often made out to be! It's just how things need to be if dinner isn't being served until too late for your partner. The meal that MIL makes can be packaged up for them to take home and eat the next day, and if she wants to figure out how to make her meals happen more promptly, I'm sure everyone would love that.
posted by teremala at 8:03 PM on August 3, 2019 [26 favorites]
posted by teremala at 8:03 PM on August 3, 2019 [26 favorites]
This is your partner's family, yes? How does your partner want to take care of their health and communicate that to their parents? I see a lot of your concern here, but not much about how your partner feels emotionally about this situation. Generally, solutions to family problems like this go better when the person deals with their own family of origin, rather than when the partner tries to step in.
My situation was not around food but around transportation. If I relied on my mom to pick me up or drop me off at the airport, something went wrong. Every. Single. Time. I have spent hours sitting in airports because she had just one more thing to do before leaving the house and I missed my flight. So, I do not put myself in situations where I am dependent on my mom for a ride anymore, ever again. But *I* had to make this rule, not my partner. Otherwise it's drama and overreaction and nonsense.
In your case, I would have your partner determine their preference - do they bring a snack, or a meal, or leave for home/restaurant or order delivery, and at what point (well before being incapacitated from illness related to not eating). When that time comes, put the plan in action and calmly tell Mom, well, as you know my condition requires that I eat every X hours. What you're making sounds/smells really good, I hope I get to try it next time! Calm, pleasant, in control. Your partner is not actually dependent on their parents to feed them; quit acting like it. It's not rude to manage your health. And I bet MIL won't need more than one or two instances of this happening before she gets it together. Right now there are no consequences (for HER) due to her behavior. Dinner guests bugging out before the appetizers are served is a consequence she will notice.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:20 PM on August 3, 2019 [22 favorites]
My situation was not around food but around transportation. If I relied on my mom to pick me up or drop me off at the airport, something went wrong. Every. Single. Time. I have spent hours sitting in airports because she had just one more thing to do before leaving the house and I missed my flight. So, I do not put myself in situations where I am dependent on my mom for a ride anymore, ever again. But *I* had to make this rule, not my partner. Otherwise it's drama and overreaction and nonsense.
In your case, I would have your partner determine their preference - do they bring a snack, or a meal, or leave for home/restaurant or order delivery, and at what point (well before being incapacitated from illness related to not eating). When that time comes, put the plan in action and calmly tell Mom, well, as you know my condition requires that I eat every X hours. What you're making sounds/smells really good, I hope I get to try it next time! Calm, pleasant, in control. Your partner is not actually dependent on their parents to feed them; quit acting like it. It's not rude to manage your health. And I bet MIL won't need more than one or two instances of this happening before she gets it together. Right now there are no consequences (for HER) due to her behavior. Dinner guests bugging out before the appetizers are served is a consequence she will notice.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:20 PM on August 3, 2019 [22 favorites]
Bring snacks that will be enough for a full meal if you eat them all. Something that won't go off if you don't eat it. E.g. granola bars, canned soup, ramen, or similar. If your partner just gets a little hungry, they eat a small snack. If it gets close to 6pm, they make themselves a whole meal worth of those snacks. They then politely decline MIL's meal when it finally does happen, "Oh, you know, the doctor says I can't eat after 6pm or my meds don't work properly. But it's fine: I already had plenty of my own snacks." You can still eat MIL's food. Your partner can sit at the table and have a drink and make polite conversation. If your MIL feels too bad about it, they will make more effort in future.
posted by lollusc at 8:30 PM on August 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by lollusc at 8:30 PM on August 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
you know, I missed somehow that this was your partner's own mother pulling this shit. That solves the mystery of why on earth this has been allowed to go on, which was puzzling me, because there are so many easy ways to fix this, ranging from eating first to bringing appetizers to having a couple Quest bars in one's bag, and yet it hasn't been done.
partner said they were getting a migraine MIL asked if it was because they were hungry, partner confirmed, and MIL kind of laughed and rubbed their shoulder and brushed it off
The problem here isn't MIL's organizational skills. It's her hostility to your partner, and your partner's acquiescence & cooperation.
This kind of dynamic tends to grow up over years and years, and while it isn't strictly speaking under your jurisdiction, my experience is that it is sometimes precisely someone like you - an outsider who isn't part of the original sick system - who stands up and pulls the plug on this nonsense.
Use any of the solutions offered, and end it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:41 PM on August 3, 2019 [33 favorites]
partner said they were getting a migraine MIL asked if it was because they were hungry, partner confirmed, and MIL kind of laughed and rubbed their shoulder and brushed it off
The problem here isn't MIL's organizational skills. It's her hostility to your partner, and your partner's acquiescence & cooperation.
This kind of dynamic tends to grow up over years and years, and while it isn't strictly speaking under your jurisdiction, my experience is that it is sometimes precisely someone like you - an outsider who isn't part of the original sick system - who stands up and pulls the plug on this nonsense.
Use any of the solutions offered, and end it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:41 PM on August 3, 2019 [33 favorites]
Yes, that interaction between mother and son really stood out to me. The mum knows she’s endangering her son’s health and is doing it anyway which means she either doesn’t believe him, doesn’t care, OR IS ACTUALLY DELAYING THE MEAL ON PURPOSE. (Whether this is the case isn’t for me to judge). The polite thing to do would be to look after the son’s health, eat when you have to, leave when you have to. The way to actually get to the bottom of it is to have it out with her, but that’s a big can of worms to open.
posted by Jubey at 8:50 PM on August 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 8:50 PM on August 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
This is an awful lot of times to be going to someone's home when things are unpredictable. I think there are some options above for the Sunday dinners. If you want to do another evening, what you need to do is plan ahead and bring the food. You can make this far less formal -- bread/crackers, cheese, fresh or dried fruit, nuts. Make it a ritual and bring the same thing every time. You can buy all that ahead of time and keep it in the fridge/pantry. You could also do canned beans, tortillas, jarred salsa, cheese, sour cream. Or you can look up 1-2 "dump recipes" for pasta with a jar of sauce, where you just dump it all in a pan and put it in the oven when you get there. Or yogurt parfait night where you bring a container of yogurt and granola.
So this is if you really see a reason to go 1-2x a week. It sounds like your partner is being emotionally abused and physically, too, in the denial of health care. If you can't solve this by bringing a meal, I'd find other ways to interact with them.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:06 PM on August 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
So this is if you really see a reason to go 1-2x a week. It sounds like your partner is being emotionally abused and physically, too, in the denial of health care. If you can't solve this by bringing a meal, I'd find other ways to interact with them.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:06 PM on August 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Honestly it doesn’t sound like your partner is willing to do anything that results in them not eating a full meal as cooked by your MIL on nights when MIL cooks. This sounds much deeper, and centered around that parent-child relationship, than practical suggestions like “bring a snack!” can address. Your partner in theory should put their health above seeming slightly rude to their mother, but that’s not something that’s easy to talk them into.
Game plan this with partner ahead of time. What are they willing to do in defense of their health? What are they willing to allow you to do in defense of them? If they’re just chickening out in the moment under MIL’s stern glare, this could help. If they are telling you even ahead of time that they don’t want to do anything that can be perceived as rude, this isn’t your fight.
posted by supercres at 9:10 PM on August 3, 2019 [19 favorites]
Game plan this with partner ahead of time. What are they willing to do in defense of their health? What are they willing to allow you to do in defense of them? If they’re just chickening out in the moment under MIL’s stern glare, this could help. If they are telling you even ahead of time that they don’t want to do anything that can be perceived as rude, this isn’t your fight.
posted by supercres at 9:10 PM on August 3, 2019 [19 favorites]
1. Don't ask or expect her to change.
2. Plan for your own needs and follow through on the plan.
3. Better yet, encourage partner to plan for their own needs. \
The only obstacle I see to you just letting the chips fall where they may and staying out of your partner's family dynamic is that you need them to drive you home, is that right? Can you drive? If not, can you learn to drive?
posted by Miko at 10:17 PM on August 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
2. Plan for your own needs and follow through on the plan.
3. Better yet, encourage partner to plan for their own needs. \
The only obstacle I see to you just letting the chips fall where they may and staying out of your partner's family dynamic is that you need them to drive you home, is that right? Can you drive? If not, can you learn to drive?
posted by Miko at 10:17 PM on August 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
I agree with several other commenters that this is your partner's problem to solve, because it's his family of origin.
Also, I hear a lot of guilt in your post, and I want to rest assured, that you do not sound ungrateful at all! This sounds like a real pain, regardless of your partner's health issues.
posted by radioamy at 10:34 PM on August 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
Also, I hear a lot of guilt in your post, and I want to rest assured, that you do not sound ungrateful at all! This sounds like a real pain, regardless of your partner's health issues.
posted by radioamy at 10:34 PM on August 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
"We have dinner plans, but we'd love to come over and hang out after dinner!"
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:46 PM on August 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:46 PM on August 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
Eat a full dinner before going over to their house for "dinner". When it's time for you to start heading home, head home. If by some inconceivable miracle your MiL manages to get dinner on the table before it's time for you to leave, maybe eat something? But otherwise just be like "oh we already ate!" and refuse to engage further on that topic. She's not going to change her ways and if your partner isn't comfortable putting their foot down then the only options are never going back for dinner or eating beforehand. No bringing snacks, this will just enable her weird manipulative bullshit.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:18 AM on August 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:18 AM on August 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
It sounds like your partner is in denial that their mother is unwilling to put their health first - which I absolutely get. It’s hard thing to realise, because it’s the complete opposite of motherly love. I’m very sorry for your partner.
However, this is something your partner needs to do themselves, followed by setting hard boundaries as described by a few posters above. You can support your partner in anything they do, but they will need to accept this insight, and set their own boundaries.
posted by eierschnee at 2:55 AM on August 4, 2019 [11 favorites]
However, this is something your partner needs to do themselves, followed by setting hard boundaries as described by a few posters above. You can support your partner in anything they do, but they will need to accept this insight, and set their own boundaries.
posted by eierschnee at 2:55 AM on August 4, 2019 [11 favorites]
Would it be possible to move to an early Sunday dinner, “scheduled” around 3 pm? I realize this cuts into your day, but it could be a solution given the dynamic between your partner and his mother.
posted by macska at 4:35 AM on August 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by macska at 4:35 AM on August 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Sounds very rough. Maybe take a look at reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/
Endangering an (adult) child's health is unconscionable. There must be larger things at play.
posted by PistachioRoux at 5:46 AM on August 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
Endangering an (adult) child's health is unconscionable. There must be larger things at play.
posted by PistachioRoux at 5:46 AM on August 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
But if they invite us over in the evening, dinner has to be a part of the plans, or we're going to have to either 1) leave after an hour to make sure we get home in time to be able to make dinner for ourselves,
That sounds like an excellent solution and you should definitely do this... But really, it's your partner's call, not yours, so idk. It doesn't sound like your partner is super motivated to fix this issue. I wonder why that is!
Also, am I reading this correctly? You are:
- spending several hours' worth of "dinner" with partner's parents twice a week
- spending several MORE daytime hours during the week with partner's mom
That's an unusual amount of time to spend with someone whom you do not seem to like very much, and who is behaving weirdly aggressively towards your partner. Does not sound like a very healthy dynamic, tbh.
But then again, these are not your monkeys even if you do own part of the circus. Your partner's issues with their mom are best noticed and handled by your partner: both their enmeshment and the dinner/blood sugar problems.
posted by MiraK at 6:16 AM on August 4, 2019 [10 favorites]
That sounds like an excellent solution and you should definitely do this... But really, it's your partner's call, not yours, so idk. It doesn't sound like your partner is super motivated to fix this issue. I wonder why that is!
Also, am I reading this correctly? You are:
- spending several hours' worth of "dinner" with partner's parents twice a week
- spending several MORE daytime hours during the week with partner's mom
That's an unusual amount of time to spend with someone whom you do not seem to like very much, and who is behaving weirdly aggressively towards your partner. Does not sound like a very healthy dynamic, tbh.
But then again, these are not your monkeys even if you do own part of the circus. Your partner's issues with their mom are best noticed and handled by your partner: both their enmeshment and the dinner/blood sugar problems.
posted by MiraK at 6:16 AM on August 4, 2019 [10 favorites]
Partner should explain firmly that medical issues have made it impossible for them to put themselves in a situation where the timing of meals is inconsistent. Therefore, they are happy to visit FILand MIL, but they will not be eating meals (eat dinner before going over to visit) and they will be leaving at X time. Partner needs to remain firm and pleasent. If MIL argues, or is confused that's her problem. It really is that simple. I know from experience that it can be very difficult at times to see the solution when you're mired in years and years of family conditioning/guilt/anger/tradition what have you. That's part of why I love Ask MeFi so much. The possibility for someone not involved, to point out a clear and simple path through your thorny problem. Priceless!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 6:35 AM on August 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 6:35 AM on August 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
You know, you also don't have to go to dinner when your partner goes. That is an OK thing to do. I understand the lure of a free meal, but you are not obligated to spend time with people just because you married one of their relations.
posted by Miko at 7:52 AM on August 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Miko at 7:52 AM on August 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
+1 to that. My MIL has some specific food issues and I’ve had to draw my own boundaries around what kind of meals I can share with her. Because her behavior doesn’t bother her kids/family much but I find it very stressful to be part of that dynamic. I see these times as times for her kids to connect with her in whatever family way that they want. It’s not necessary for me to be there.
Another thought I had is to maybe just take a break from family dinners. Just be unavailable for “the usual” for at least a week. Or change the pattern. Maybe one of you has a class Sunday evenings or a friends game night? Do brunch instead. And less frequently. God, meal eating traditions can be so weird!
posted by amanda at 8:15 AM on August 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
Another thought I had is to maybe just take a break from family dinners. Just be unavailable for “the usual” for at least a week. Or change the pattern. Maybe one of you has a class Sunday evenings or a friends game night? Do brunch instead. And less frequently. God, meal eating traditions can be so weird!
posted by amanda at 8:15 AM on August 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
This could also be significantly alleviated if you started declining most of these invitations. Try dropping the visits to once a week, then back to every other week, then once every 3 weeks. There is zero reason why you need to cater to your in-laws’ meal schedule multiple times a week. You are no doubt busy adults, and this is a very “parents treating little kids Iike they don’t know their own needs” dynamic, like parents who bring their kid to the office because daycare says they’re sick, and then you find out the kid has pink eye or fucking strep throat or something, and should damn well be in bed.
But as adults, you have autonomy. I agree with the others that you should treat these invitations as optional, these meals as nice-to-haves, and to eat dinner when you need to without apologizing, and to go home when it’s time to go home, without apologizing. Your in-laws may get mad or give you a guilt trip or whatever—but them being upset is not going to hurt them or you. Skipping meals does. There’s definitely a skill involved in being okay with a parent being angry, and recognizing that you are their equal and peer now, not their subordinate, and expecting the same consideration that you would of a colleague or a friend. If they are not willing to accord this to you, then you should not feel guilty about taking the reins and arranging things to your benefit.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:23 AM on August 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
But as adults, you have autonomy. I agree with the others that you should treat these invitations as optional, these meals as nice-to-haves, and to eat dinner when you need to without apologizing, and to go home when it’s time to go home, without apologizing. Your in-laws may get mad or give you a guilt trip or whatever—but them being upset is not going to hurt them or you. Skipping meals does. There’s definitely a skill involved in being okay with a parent being angry, and recognizing that you are their equal and peer now, not their subordinate, and expecting the same consideration that you would of a colleague or a friend. If they are not willing to accord this to you, then you should not feel guilty about taking the reins and arranging things to your benefit.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:23 AM on August 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
Sunday dinners are a fixed commitment MIL set up and insisted on
You know, she doesn't get to order you and your partner around. She can insist all she likes; you're not obligated to go along with her insistences.
posted by tzikeh at 4:57 PM on August 4, 2019 [10 favorites]
You know, she doesn't get to order you and your partner around. She can insist all she likes; you're not obligated to go along with her insistences.
posted by tzikeh at 4:57 PM on August 4, 2019 [10 favorites]
My clan has gone around a similar issue recently, with regards to timing. If you decide that the new family dinner is x frozen entree (eg. Lasagna, pizza, butter chicken), it might make life easier. We did this at my parents - threw 20+ lasagna in the freezer and made Sunday night Lasagna night. Your FIL turns the oven on, and throws in the lasagna for 45 min. Bring a bagged salad and presto; dinner served. No time delays or reasons to fart around; nothing anyone needs to do/ actually cook - lots of time to visit.
Mom can do her cooking projects on her own time, or focus on desserts/appetizers (which are not nearly as critical, and won't be missed if they don't happen.)
posted by NorthernAutumn at 10:56 PM on August 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
Mom can do her cooking projects on her own time, or focus on desserts/appetizers (which are not nearly as critical, and won't be missed if they don't happen.)
posted by NorthernAutumn at 10:56 PM on August 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Just as a quick reminder: OP hasn't specified their partner's gender, so let's respect that when framing answers. Thanks!
posted by taz (staff) at 12:15 AM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:15 AM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
leave after an hour to make sure we get home in time to be able to make dinner for ourselves
This is the move. Any time you go over to their house for dinner and it becomes clear that dinner isn't going to materialize until later, you leave and deal with dinner on your own. I think it's likely that this will make MIL magically be better about dinner being on time, but if not, at least you get to eat at a normal time and nothing bad happens to your partner's health. You're almost certainly going to get a ton of pushback on this, so I think it would help to spend some time practicing setting it as a hard boundary - "this is not a judgement on you or your cooking, but we need to do what's best for our health, so we're going to go get some pizza now."
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:33 AM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
This is the move. Any time you go over to their house for dinner and it becomes clear that dinner isn't going to materialize until later, you leave and deal with dinner on your own. I think it's likely that this will make MIL magically be better about dinner being on time, but if not, at least you get to eat at a normal time and nothing bad happens to your partner's health. You're almost certainly going to get a ton of pushback on this, so I think it would help to spend some time practicing setting it as a hard boundary - "this is not a judgement on you or your cooking, but we need to do what's best for our health, so we're going to go get some pizza now."
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:33 AM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think people are missing the stipulations of your partner's medication regimen: Another problem is they are on a medication that needs to be taken four hours after a meal, and because of the way their other meds work, they have to take this medication at bedtime. They go to bed at 10pm, which means if they are not done eating by 6 then the food will interfere with their medication.
Even if you ate before you left home, or brought snacks with you, your partner can't politely pick at a meal after six o'clock.
Your family has an earlier dinnertime than that of your in-laws. Stop accepting their dinner invitations, and make that mandatory (?!?) Sunday meal brunch or lunch.
Your FIL has similar blood-sugar issues as your partner, and he got meals to the table on time, for himself and the kids, for 17 years. A compromise to the current madness could hinge on FIL being solely responsible for these dinners (whether dining in, dining out, or getting take-out), but they'd have to work that out between themselves and then make the offer to you and your partner.
Plus your divorced in-laws are rekindling their romance -- maybe spend less time with them, and leave them to it?
Whatever's behind your MIL's behavior (executive dysfunction, disrespect, hostility... spin the wheel), the result is physical harm to your partner. Be a little less grateful for your in-laws' largesse. You're a broke student, and you're both chronically ill, but these meals aren't actually free.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:57 PM on August 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
Even if you ate before you left home, or brought snacks with you, your partner can't politely pick at a meal after six o'clock.
Your family has an earlier dinnertime than that of your in-laws. Stop accepting their dinner invitations, and make that mandatory (?!?) Sunday meal brunch or lunch.
Your FIL has similar blood-sugar issues as your partner, and he got meals to the table on time, for himself and the kids, for 17 years. A compromise to the current madness could hinge on FIL being solely responsible for these dinners (whether dining in, dining out, or getting take-out), but they'd have to work that out between themselves and then make the offer to you and your partner.
Plus your divorced in-laws are rekindling their romance -- maybe spend less time with them, and leave them to it?
Whatever's behind your MIL's behavior (executive dysfunction, disrespect, hostility... spin the wheel), the result is physical harm to your partner. Be a little less grateful for your in-laws' largesse. You're a broke student, and you're both chronically ill, but these meals aren't actually free.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:57 PM on August 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I suggest you just leave, get takeout (or have leftovers at home) and get on with your evening. Once or twice should get the point across. And if it doesn't, you'll really know where your MIL's priorities are.
Rude? No ruder that what your MIL is doing to your partner.
posted by stevis23 at 7:31 PM on August 3, 2019 [32 favorites]