My crush got outed, it isn't mutual, I'm embarrassed and can't avoid
August 3, 2019 2:14 AM Subscribe
I have had a crush on someone in my friend/hobby group. He has figured this out and told me it’s never happening, in the “I do like you but I have issues so I won’t date anyone” sort of way. I have obligations going on for the next two weeks in which I will be seeing him frequently. I don’t know what to do here.
I haaaaaaaaaaaate being figured out that I have a crush. I hate it so much. I really didn’t want him to know since I had deduced he was emotionally unavailable, but I really like him otherwise (and eh, if he ever got over his shit, maybe someday) and was fine with just friends, and we have been getting closer of late. I did not particularly want to make a move on someone who wasn’t ready or into it anyway, for godsake. But now even though I never did, now he knows and I am SUPER uncomfortable and embarrassed. When this has happened to me in the other direction, i.e. found out someone had one on me and it wasn’t mutual, I have basically disappeared and dropped entire friend groups. I’m well aware you don’t get over crushes while the person is still in your life, so I feel like I have to vamoose in shame.
But this time, I don’t want to have to drop this group of friends and even after the obligations end I may still end up seeing him at the weekly “group hang” or parties and it’s possible we may end up working together in other hobby capacities in the future. So while I could utterly drop out of this social circle and avoid this time, I would rather not have to do that again. This has kind of hit “worst nightmare scenario” though. I’m terrible at “friends with exes” and I haven’t had a crush in a long time and it’s rare for me to like anyone, so this is more of a whammy than I was expecting. Plus goddamned embarrassing and I feel like I talked to him too much and brought this on myself.
As of last night (the first night I saw him since he said no), I just said next to nothing to him the entire night unless he said something. He briefly tried to get my attention to show me something once and there was the occasional event-planning-related brief conversation during the course of the night, but otherwise I didn’t say anything to him and that’s not right. I don’t know what else to do there. This is also totally unusual since we’re usually talking up a storm, and it sucks and I fear everyone else is gonna notice. I hate this. I don’t know what to do. How the hell do I handle the next couple of weeks and foreseeable future? I’d love to be genuinely “cool” and “just friends” but I don't know if I can do it or not (have failed in past) and now I feel like us talking too much caused the entire problem. Ducking out and avoiding isn’t an option right now, so what do I do when we have to be around each other for the next few weeks?
I haaaaaaaaaaaate being figured out that I have a crush. I hate it so much. I really didn’t want him to know since I had deduced he was emotionally unavailable, but I really like him otherwise (and eh, if he ever got over his shit, maybe someday) and was fine with just friends, and we have been getting closer of late. I did not particularly want to make a move on someone who wasn’t ready or into it anyway, for godsake. But now even though I never did, now he knows and I am SUPER uncomfortable and embarrassed. When this has happened to me in the other direction, i.e. found out someone had one on me and it wasn’t mutual, I have basically disappeared and dropped entire friend groups. I’m well aware you don’t get over crushes while the person is still in your life, so I feel like I have to vamoose in shame.
But this time, I don’t want to have to drop this group of friends and even after the obligations end I may still end up seeing him at the weekly “group hang” or parties and it’s possible we may end up working together in other hobby capacities in the future. So while I could utterly drop out of this social circle and avoid this time, I would rather not have to do that again. This has kind of hit “worst nightmare scenario” though. I’m terrible at “friends with exes” and I haven’t had a crush in a long time and it’s rare for me to like anyone, so this is more of a whammy than I was expecting. Plus goddamned embarrassing and I feel like I talked to him too much and brought this on myself.
As of last night (the first night I saw him since he said no), I just said next to nothing to him the entire night unless he said something. He briefly tried to get my attention to show me something once and there was the occasional event-planning-related brief conversation during the course of the night, but otherwise I didn’t say anything to him and that’s not right. I don’t know what else to do there. This is also totally unusual since we’re usually talking up a storm, and it sucks and I fear everyone else is gonna notice. I hate this. I don’t know what to do. How the hell do I handle the next couple of weeks and foreseeable future? I’d love to be genuinely “cool” and “just friends” but I don't know if I can do it or not (have failed in past) and now I feel like us talking too much caused the entire problem. Ducking out and avoiding isn’t an option right now, so what do I do when we have to be around each other for the next few weeks?
Let him set the pace here. It's ok to feel how you feel, but I agree with kitten magic- he seems like a kind, decent person and this awkwardness will pass. A bit of self deprecating humor can go a long way to making this manageable. And remember, while you feel like the spot
Iight is shining on you, it's not. People will be caught up in their own events and things will level out soon. Be kind to yourself, and let this friendship develop as it will!
posted by LaBellaStella at 4:05 AM on August 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
Iight is shining on you, it's not. People will be caught up in their own events and things will level out soon. Be kind to yourself, and let this friendship develop as it will!
posted by LaBellaStella at 4:05 AM on August 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
So you've had these internal feelings and you've been able to function next to him as long as he didn't know them. You haven't done anything unworkable or rude as far as I can tell (you haven't asked him out, you haven't kissed him, asked him on date ect ect ect)
Now he now knows them, but that really doesn't have to change dynamic that much. You know not to do anything more than what's going on. You do have to nurse your extra feelings of disappointment. But he actually doesn't feel your feelings. And he didn't actually feel all your whirlwind feelings in the moment. It likely is not nearly intense to him as it is to you right now
You may want to ask if there is anything in particular he has been uncomfortable with, but otherwise you can just be you. But overall, you do have the ability to continue if you want, you've handled these situations before.
You may want to take a little break, but I don't really think you need to ruin for the hills and abandon everything. You may want to show down engagement, take a group free weekend to yourself, talk to others a bit more, but I think you will get through this.
This is hard and a ton of work but your an adult with control over your actions. Take gentle care.
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:13 AM on August 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
Now he now knows them, but that really doesn't have to change dynamic that much. You know not to do anything more than what's going on. You do have to nurse your extra feelings of disappointment. But he actually doesn't feel your feelings. And he didn't actually feel all your whirlwind feelings in the moment. It likely is not nearly intense to him as it is to you right now
You may want to ask if there is anything in particular he has been uncomfortable with, but otherwise you can just be you. But overall, you do have the ability to continue if you want, you've handled these situations before.
You may want to take a little break, but I don't really think you need to ruin for the hills and abandon everything. You may want to show down engagement, take a group free weekend to yourself, talk to others a bit more, but I think you will get through this.
This is hard and a ton of work but your an adult with control over your actions. Take gentle care.
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:13 AM on August 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
I’m well aware you don’t get over crushes while the person is still in your life, so I feel like I have to vamoose in shame.
I'm mainly going to go for reassurance based on my own experience, because I think that worrying about this aspect might make it harder to manage the next few weeks in ways that are least stressful for you.
My experience is that, after being properly rejected, I find it much easier to purge the crush, and interacting further hasn't prevented that. I think it's much harder after someone actually breaking up with you, because you can usually easily convince yourself they might change their mind, but when you've never had a relationship with them, you might find it's easier than you imagine. Once the possibility goes out of crush, it usually gets less enticing.
It's also absolutely fine to have a crush on someone, have them know it and still hang out with them. There's no shame in being attracted to people, as long as you respect their autonomy and wishes, as you clearly are. I've had crushes on people who are well aware of it, and (because they're good people) they've accepted it and carried on being friends in the knowledge that it will pass.
As long as you're being polite, which you are, it's ok for you to have less conversation with him in group settings. If other people notice, which I doubt they will, the burden is on them to act like adults and not probe into things that are none of their business.
You could talk to your friend about this, too. Explaining that you feel awkward but want to be able to carry on hanging out as friends, might make you feel less anxious about not talking. If you make clear that it's not because you're upset, and you're happy to talk but just struggling a bit right now, a nice friend will absolutely bear with you.
I feel like I talked to him too much and brought this on myself
Hey now! You talked with him a lot because you both enjoy talking to each other. You're entitled to your feelings, and you're entitled to enjoy the company of people you're attracted to. I don't think you can fairly blame yourself for living your life in an interesting and enjoyable manner.
posted by howfar at 5:25 AM on August 3, 2019 [15 favorites]
I'm mainly going to go for reassurance based on my own experience, because I think that worrying about this aspect might make it harder to manage the next few weeks in ways that are least stressful for you.
My experience is that, after being properly rejected, I find it much easier to purge the crush, and interacting further hasn't prevented that. I think it's much harder after someone actually breaking up with you, because you can usually easily convince yourself they might change their mind, but when you've never had a relationship with them, you might find it's easier than you imagine. Once the possibility goes out of crush, it usually gets less enticing.
It's also absolutely fine to have a crush on someone, have them know it and still hang out with them. There's no shame in being attracted to people, as long as you respect their autonomy and wishes, as you clearly are. I've had crushes on people who are well aware of it, and (because they're good people) they've accepted it and carried on being friends in the knowledge that it will pass.
As long as you're being polite, which you are, it's ok for you to have less conversation with him in group settings. If other people notice, which I doubt they will, the burden is on them to act like adults and not probe into things that are none of their business.
You could talk to your friend about this, too. Explaining that you feel awkward but want to be able to carry on hanging out as friends, might make you feel less anxious about not talking. If you make clear that it's not because you're upset, and you're happy to talk but just struggling a bit right now, a nice friend will absolutely bear with you.
I feel like I talked to him too much and brought this on myself
Hey now! You talked with him a lot because you both enjoy talking to each other. You're entitled to your feelings, and you're entitled to enjoy the company of people you're attracted to. I don't think you can fairly blame yourself for living your life in an interesting and enjoyable manner.
posted by howfar at 5:25 AM on August 3, 2019 [15 favorites]
I just want to say his preemptive (though obviously well-meaning) rejection sounds harsh and completely unnecessary, unless you doing something like putting moves on him or giving strongly indication that you were going to ask him out that you haven't mentioned here.
In my observation, many (young, especially) men are inexperienced with actually doing the rejection in our culture, and so can be awkward/cruel/OTT in their rejection of women, leading to a lot of needless embarrassment and shame for the crushing woman. Many of them don't have a clue about restraint, or letting women down easy without making them feel like a hideous pile of trash. All of this is to say I think what you're feeling is understandable, but I agree with the other comments that you have nothing to actually be ashamed of. I think the awkwardness will dissipate with time, and faster than you think. If you think you need some time away from the hobby, it's perfectly reasonable to take a few weeks off to process this, too.
posted by shaademaan at 6:21 AM on August 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
In my observation, many (young, especially) men are inexperienced with actually doing the rejection in our culture, and so can be awkward/cruel/OTT in their rejection of women, leading to a lot of needless embarrassment and shame for the crushing woman. Many of them don't have a clue about restraint, or letting women down easy without making them feel like a hideous pile of trash. All of this is to say I think what you're feeling is understandable, but I agree with the other comments that you have nothing to actually be ashamed of. I think the awkwardness will dissipate with time, and faster than you think. If you think you need some time away from the hobby, it's perfectly reasonable to take a few weeks off to process this, too.
posted by shaademaan at 6:21 AM on August 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
I’m well aware you don’t get over crushes while the person is still in your life...
The argument for separating from the object of your crush is, of course, that it will collapse in the absence of additional information and further encounters. But I think crushes pass regardless and so you don't need to make yourself scarce and deny yourself the pleasures of this group and activity. When the person remains in your life, you get to know them better and the ratio of fantasy:reality about them tilts towards reality. That often means that the scales fall from your eyes. The risk of increased exposure leading to deeper feelings is mitigated by the loss of a key crush ingredient: you know the guy isn't interested, so when crush-related musings about having a relationship surface, that fact is the record scratch that interrupts it. Sure, you can move on to fantasizing about breaking through the logjam of his disinterest, but don't: listen to the record scratch.
This crush, and the awkwardness you feel now, will fade. As hard as it is to imagine now, some day, you might even joke about it. Future you will be talking to this guy about the current hobby project and find yourself saying something like "Oh yeah, that was in 2019. I had such a crush on you then!"
posted by carmicha at 6:49 AM on August 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
The argument for separating from the object of your crush is, of course, that it will collapse in the absence of additional information and further encounters. But I think crushes pass regardless and so you don't need to make yourself scarce and deny yourself the pleasures of this group and activity. When the person remains in your life, you get to know them better and the ratio of fantasy:reality about them tilts towards reality. That often means that the scales fall from your eyes. The risk of increased exposure leading to deeper feelings is mitigated by the loss of a key crush ingredient: you know the guy isn't interested, so when crush-related musings about having a relationship surface, that fact is the record scratch that interrupts it. Sure, you can move on to fantasizing about breaking through the logjam of his disinterest, but don't: listen to the record scratch.
This crush, and the awkwardness you feel now, will fade. As hard as it is to imagine now, some day, you might even joke about it. Future you will be talking to this guy about the current hobby project and find yourself saying something like "Oh yeah, that was in 2019. I had such a crush on you then!"
posted by carmicha at 6:49 AM on August 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
The only way I have ever been able to deal with this is just gritting my teeth and getting through it. The radioactive horribleness of it will lessen with time. Just know it happens to the best of us.
posted by sallybrown at 7:46 AM on August 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 7:46 AM on August 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
Many if not most of us have been where you have been. Sounds like you did this the right way and it didn't work out the way you wanted but it doesn't reflect on you, so you didn't fail at anything and have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or hid from! Putting yourself out there in a healthy and conscientious way is a wonderful thing but you need to learn not to beat yourself up or feel responsible for making any awkwardness go away, humans are awkward! Take a deep breath and focus forward on being friends and maybe looking around for others to put your energy into. Are there other people in this group you could spend more time with, find commonalities and become friends with? A new crush is always just around the corner and you sound like you are open to new opportunities.
posted by waving at 8:00 AM on August 3, 2019
posted by waving at 8:00 AM on August 3, 2019
Think of a couple things about him that totally turn you off- it sounds like emotional unavailability is one, but maybe there’s also some petty things like his nails are gross or he mispronounces a word. Think about those every time you feel awkward around him or bad about it. Having that counterbalancing information handy really helps me.
posted by momus_window at 8:07 AM on August 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 8:07 AM on August 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think it's worth hearing that ... having a crush isn't silly, or stupid, or pathetic. It's normal. The majority of people have at some point had a crush on someone who didn't reciprocate. No one is going to think less of you because of your crush. Yes, it will probably be a little awkward, and that can be embarrassing, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You certainly don't have to vamoose!
Whether you need to cut ties with this guy to get over your crush is something you should think about, instead of just assuming to be true. People are different. Crushes are different. It also doesn't have to be a binary. You can for example hang out with your friends as a group and not hang out with him solo. You can try finding a new group of friends without ditching this one, to see if the excitement of new people will dull the crush a bit. You have a lot of options here, and it would be a shame to ditch you friends because you feel an obligation to. No one expects that of you.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:56 AM on August 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
Whether you need to cut ties with this guy to get over your crush is something you should think about, instead of just assuming to be true. People are different. Crushes are different. It also doesn't have to be a binary. You can for example hang out with your friends as a group and not hang out with him solo. You can try finding a new group of friends without ditching this one, to see if the excitement of new people will dull the crush a bit. You have a lot of options here, and it would be a shame to ditch you friends because you feel an obligation to. No one expects that of you.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:56 AM on August 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you started out knowing it was a pointless crush and didn't expect anything to ever come of it, in fact expected you'd be friends for months/years and you'd eventually slowly stop feeling that way and he'd never know and you'd be friends throughout. That was a fine plan and allowed you to enjoy the happy little crush feelings in peace and guilt-free. Now it turns out he knows, or at least suspected enough that he decided to clarify it with you. Oops.
But seriously, he's your friend. I am firm in the belief that you liked him enough to have a crush on him, those people are gold, you can't friend-dump him now just because it's awkward.
He likes you as a person, enough that he wanted to be sure he didn't accidentally send signals that you could interpret as "maybe" and start getting your hopes up, he wanted things to be the way he's perceived them all along. Without considering how shaken you feel right now and worrying whether it's possible, try to think about whether that's a friendship you'd like to make a reality. Not as "take what I can get" or "best way to transition out of an awkward situation", just do you want to be this person's friend, do the things he thinks friends do, have the conversations he thinks friends have, have the "close friends within a group of friends" association, etc. If that's something you do want, it sounds like he's willing to help make that happen.
It might involve another conversation where you spell out what you think is going on. "it's really embarrassing to me that you found out I had a crush on you. I intended to get over it before you ever noticed. It seems like you want (friend examples) and that you want to be sure I don't interpret (close relationship example) as leading toward anything. I want you to know that I understand, and that I want (friend examples) too. I also want (anything he can do that will help you feel good about the friendship you have) and I want you to know I'm going to be really careful about (something that's felt awkward between you two, like physically touching, or the way somebody else seems to associate you as a couple), so it would help if you (didn't do that one super cute thing too often)."
The best way I've found to stop being embarrassed about something is to acknowledge it to someone you're close to (like this guy) and then to pretend to everybody else that you're not embarrassed at all, everything is handled now.
Good luck!
posted by aimedwander at 9:41 AM on August 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
But seriously, he's your friend. I am firm in the belief that you liked him enough to have a crush on him, those people are gold, you can't friend-dump him now just because it's awkward.
He likes you as a person, enough that he wanted to be sure he didn't accidentally send signals that you could interpret as "maybe" and start getting your hopes up, he wanted things to be the way he's perceived them all along. Without considering how shaken you feel right now and worrying whether it's possible, try to think about whether that's a friendship you'd like to make a reality. Not as "take what I can get" or "best way to transition out of an awkward situation", just do you want to be this person's friend, do the things he thinks friends do, have the conversations he thinks friends have, have the "close friends within a group of friends" association, etc. If that's something you do want, it sounds like he's willing to help make that happen.
It might involve another conversation where you spell out what you think is going on. "it's really embarrassing to me that you found out I had a crush on you. I intended to get over it before you ever noticed. It seems like you want (friend examples) and that you want to be sure I don't interpret (close relationship example) as leading toward anything. I want you to know that I understand, and that I want (friend examples) too. I also want (anything he can do that will help you feel good about the friendship you have) and I want you to know I'm going to be really careful about (something that's felt awkward between you two, like physically touching, or the way somebody else seems to associate you as a couple), so it would help if you (didn't do that one super cute thing too often)."
The best way I've found to stop being embarrassed about something is to acknowledge it to someone you're close to (like this guy) and then to pretend to everybody else that you're not embarrassed at all, everything is handled now.
Good luck!
posted by aimedwander at 9:41 AM on August 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
Ugh. I highly doubt there are many people on the planet who have not been in a similar position at one time or another. Right now, I am reliving a time 15 years ago when a guy I had a crush on went out of his way, in front of a group of our co-workers, to state, loudly and vociferously, over and over again, how he could absolutely, never ever ever, be attracted to a redhead, OMG, what a disgusting thought. Yes, I am a redhead. And yes, he really did say "disgusting." I wanted to die.
In your case, the guy had the courtesy to have the conversation with you in private, which shows that he cares for and respects you. He also made it clear that it's "about him," and not related to anything "wrong" with you. That's a good thing, but in some ways makes the situation harder to deal with, as the ruder the rejection is, the quicker the crush vanishes. (Mine departed as soon as I got over the initial shock and processed how much of a clueless jerk the dude had shown himself to be. In fact, he generously offered to reconsider his "no redhead" policy a few months later and I just wasn't interested, due to my own "no asshole" policy.)
But, even though he wasn't deliberately nasty, it sounds like this guy is lacking some emotional intelligence and social skills. His behaviour hurt you and you have the right to take care of yourself in whatever way you need to. If that means avoiding him and focussing on other things for a while, that's totally okay. I'd avoid making any major decisions about whether you want to keep him as a friend, and at what level, and how that will affect your participation in your hobby group, for at least a few weeks. Perspective will help, and this, too, shall pass.
posted by rpfields at 9:55 AM on August 3, 2019 [8 favorites]
In your case, the guy had the courtesy to have the conversation with you in private, which shows that he cares for and respects you. He also made it clear that it's "about him," and not related to anything "wrong" with you. That's a good thing, but in some ways makes the situation harder to deal with, as the ruder the rejection is, the quicker the crush vanishes. (Mine departed as soon as I got over the initial shock and processed how much of a clueless jerk the dude had shown himself to be. In fact, he generously offered to reconsider his "no redhead" policy a few months later and I just wasn't interested, due to my own "no asshole" policy.)
But, even though he wasn't deliberately nasty, it sounds like this guy is lacking some emotional intelligence and social skills. His behaviour hurt you and you have the right to take care of yourself in whatever way you need to. If that means avoiding him and focussing on other things for a while, that's totally okay. I'd avoid making any major decisions about whether you want to keep him as a friend, and at what level, and how that will affect your participation in your hobby group, for at least a few weeks. Perspective will help, and this, too, shall pass.
posted by rpfields at 9:55 AM on August 3, 2019 [8 favorites]
I would reframe this. It’s not embarrassing to have a crush. Attraction to other people is a perfectly normal human reaction - especially when paired with closeness and similar interests. Otherwise the human race would die out.
The embarrassment would come with doing inappropriate things because of that crush. And it doesn’t seem like you did. You seemingly acted quite average. (As long as he reciprocated this same level of friendship as you say.)
So really, while I understand it FEELS like middle school embarrassment, it’s pretty par for the course of human experience. Just go on completely normal and allow it to roll off you.
And yes, crushes sometimes can actually dissolve the MORE you know about them - because you can realize this isn’t going to be a good partner. I think you’ve been given a gift. You have confirmation they aren’t looking for a relationship. And personally, calling out someone’s crush and adding harsh rejection seems like weird drama without a positive outcome - unless you were doing something inappropriate. Which again, I don’t know that you were.
So just keep doing your thing. A bit if distance is fine. Everything will be fine. The world will not end.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:07 PM on August 3, 2019 [8 favorites]
The embarrassment would come with doing inappropriate things because of that crush. And it doesn’t seem like you did. You seemingly acted quite average. (As long as he reciprocated this same level of friendship as you say.)
So really, while I understand it FEELS like middle school embarrassment, it’s pretty par for the course of human experience. Just go on completely normal and allow it to roll off you.
And yes, crushes sometimes can actually dissolve the MORE you know about them - because you can realize this isn’t going to be a good partner. I think you’ve been given a gift. You have confirmation they aren’t looking for a relationship. And personally, calling out someone’s crush and adding harsh rejection seems like weird drama without a positive outcome - unless you were doing something inappropriate. Which again, I don’t know that you were.
So just keep doing your thing. A bit if distance is fine. Everything will be fine. The world will not end.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:07 PM on August 3, 2019 [8 favorites]
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With him...just try to talk. He clearly values your friendship. Even if you have to think of some random things to ask him about ahead of time.
Good luck. You've got this.
posted by kitten magic at 3:17 AM on August 3, 2019 [13 favorites]