Femme visibility
July 30, 2019 7:37 PM   Subscribe

I've been talking to a friend about her experience of invisibility as a femme-presenting queer woman, and want to help her brainstorm ways to be visibly out, particularly ones that work in a professional setting.

She is looking for ways to acknowledge/express her queer identity that are easily recognizable to other queers and classy/fashionable enough to wear as someone in an executive position at a non-profit. She's looking to be out at work to her queer colleagues through her presentation.

Things we've brainstormed:
- accessories: not super into piercings like the ever-popular septum
- tattoo ideas: black triangle, labrys, intersecting sex symbols, Georgia O'Keeffe flower
- haircuts: she's not very into the "femme visibility patch" of shaving part of her head
- t-shirts: Melissa Etheridge, Indigo Girls, "femme" in cursive
- anything else that's obviously gay...?

So far, her favorite idea is to get a black triangle tattoo on her forearm. I think that would be recognizable to folx in the community; would that be a recognizably queer symbol to you?

Issues so far: wearing or posting rainbows is read as allyship from someone who presents as femme. The ideal would also be something that doesn't erase her interest in people of all genders. So, for example, intersecting female symbols is less ideal as it implies a binary orientation.

Open to whatever queer ideas you have! Thanks in advance!
posted by switcheroo to Society & Culture (22 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
There's tons of jewellery that's great.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:58 PM on July 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


For what it's worth, I too am a feminine invisible queer, and my first thought upon seeing someone wearing rainbows/obvious Pride colors is that the person wearing them is Not-Straight.

I wouldn't make a definitive decision based on one instance, but a pattern of rainbow jewelry/accessories/etc? Yeah, that'd be a signal for me.
posted by lesser weasel at 8:01 PM on July 30, 2019 [5 favorites]


I'm a middle aged lesbian, and to be honest I don't know if I would read a black triangle as queer or femme - depending on how it looks I might think Harry Potter / Deathly Hallows? But rainbows do read to me as likely queer. YMMV.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:26 PM on July 30, 2019 [5 favorites]


Fluevogs. Autostraddle t-shirts.
posted by sixswitch at 8:43 PM on July 30, 2019 [4 favorites]


Maybe I'm old, but the eyebrow ring was always an important signifier for me
posted by thelastpolarbear at 9:49 PM on July 30, 2019


I like pins. Might be able to affix one or three to something you have with you a lot or wear every day and remain professional.
posted by Gymnopedist at 10:30 PM on July 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


The black triangle reads to me as a specifically lesbian symbol, but that may just be the specific contexts in which I’ve encountered it.

I wander around the world most days with my visible tattoo (an electrical resistance symbol in rainbow colors), and a big ol’ rainbow purse with an Elizabeth Warren pride pin. My laptop has a sticker of flowers in bi pride colors. In the winter I have a hat with an adorable rainbow dinosaur. FWIW, the hat and the purse are the things that people see, to pick up on the most. But also, the sheer force of ENOUGH rainbow signifiers in either quantity or frequency seems to tip people off that it’s not just allyship.

Another thought: if it’s specifically at work that she’s looking to signal, maybe things that stay in her office vs. personal fashion? Maybe she needs a Georgia O’Keefe print for her wall and some queer artists’ work to hang alongside it, a new coffee mug with some queer identification, and whatever else she can think of.
posted by Stacey at 3:20 AM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


I wear big rainbow earrings, but your fashion may vary. Small rainbow earrings, perhaps? I do think the triangle tat is relatively ambiguous. Can she put a pride sticker on the back of her laptop?
posted by woodvine at 3:33 AM on July 31, 2019


Does she look at queer style blogs? IME, recognizing someone as queer and femme is sometimes the product of a bunch of low-key signifiers working together as well as mannerisms.

So for instance if I saw someone wearing a plaid shirt and retro or otherwise distinctive glasses and nail polish in an unusual color, I'd guess that they might well be queer. Actually, distinctive glasses and nailpolish would be good background signifiers.

Working more pinks and purples into her wardrobe, particularly as plaids, might be a possibility.

Has she considered getting a trendier/more distinctive haircut even if it's not one with shaved parts? How does she feel about hair dye? Looking at Autostraddle or other queer fashion blogs might give her some ideas.

Is there a specifically queer/queer-friendly salon in the area? You can often look at people's profiles, book a session with a queer stylist and get their ideas for a haircut.

My feeling is that while queer people are by no means better dressed or styled than straight people, you can often have a guess at who's queer by the degree of intentionality of our style choices.

I'd see a black triangle as meaning "lesbian" - I've never seen it used to indicate bisexuality, pansexuality, etc. It was a more popular symbol in the nineties.
posted by Frowner at 4:22 AM on July 31, 2019 [2 favorites]


A black triangle tattoo would be conclusive proof of being a committed lesbian in my (queer) eyes.

But also look at accessories, pins, "branded" t-shirts etc.

Also body language. Something to look at there too, to help give off that gaydar vibe.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:58 AM on July 31, 2019


30s femme bi woman here, and I wouldn't know the black triangle. The labrys is unequivocally lesbian, and I share the concerns above that linked female symbols would be read as strictly lesbian too.

Rainbows, rainbows everywhere. And bi or pan colors, too. A sticker on her desk or door or window would be a good signal. A mug. I don't see rainbows and think "ally" necessarily. I definitely would not think "ally" if I saw someone with bi/pan colored accessories.
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:49 AM on July 31, 2019


I’ve resorted to wearing my house keys on a wallet chain around my neck to signal that I’m a queer femme.

Yes my actual keys.
posted by nikaspark at 6:52 AM on July 31, 2019 [4 favorites]


My thought pattern here was, I have no pockets or belt loops to wear a wallet or keychain, so if I put the keychain AROUND MY NECK it will signal “hey I’m a femme dyke!”

I don’t know if that is working yet though? I hope it says something
posted by nikaspark at 6:54 AM on July 31, 2019


a triangle tattoo would confirm my suspicions if I already had them, but I've seen enough hipsters with geometric tattoos that it wouldn't necessarily work on its own. this might be location-specific. some other ideas:

femme (carefully shaped, polished) nails that are short and obviously intentionally so
matching your lipstick to your flannel
autostraddle t-shirts under blazers
a gay coffee mug

also, seconding Frowner on intentionality and haircuts. I was semi-visible (and working hard at it!) until I cut off all my hair, but now my haircut (short, but still definitely femme) is like a flashing light that blinks GAY GAY GAY, even when I'm wearing a pencil skirt. it's great.
posted by dizziest at 7:16 AM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


Yeah, if you've got a good hairdresser you trust, honestly, just walk in and say CAN YOU MAKE ME MORE GAY BUT STILL APPROPRIATE FOR MY WORK LIFE and go from there. With my stylist and my life (and my inability to handle major hair upkeep) this has meant changing my color rather than my cut; I've gone with purple highlights. On their own, not particularly queer. As part of an array of signifiers, they're helpful. (Also, I just love them.)

I also love necklace keychains and propose this become a Thing, immediately.
posted by Stacey at 7:20 AM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]


If rainbows are too ambiguous, she could go with bi or pansexual flag motifs instead. Maybe start with some subtle but unmistakeable pin like this or this?

On preview: seconding office artwork like whoa, there are a lot of great and iconic queer artists
posted by Tiny Bungalow at 7:36 AM on July 31, 2019


Lesbian here, the labrys and intersecting venus symbols are pretty much lesbian codes, so i'd stray from those unless she's a lesbian. I've never heard of the black triangle tattoo, but I also grew up in a conservative place. YMMV. It's very in right now in "wlw" spaces to get small minimalist nature/floral tattoos. Or you could get something less subtle
posted by FirstMateKate at 7:47 AM on July 31, 2019


Femme lesbian here.... I had a visible wedding photo of me and my wife on my desk for years, openly talked about my wife pretty much everywhere, and still had people (including fellow queers) in the office sometimes surprisedly "discover" I was a lesbian.

So... I have complicated feelings about this. Rainbow are the best signaler IMO. But even the 'gay haircut' and flannel, etc can feel like yeah, people still assume you're an ally or a straight woman dressing "lesbian chic." It created some self-loathing sometimes to feel like I still wasn't a "real lesbian" because I didn't dress the part even though there is a picture of me in a wedding dress kissing a woman for everyone to fucking see on my desk!

I've found more value in just dressing how I want, talking about my wife (or girlfriend, ex girlfriend, etc in your friend's case) and hopefully making people re-assess that yeah, queer women are everywhere! Some of us like our keys in our purse and "straight looking" haircuts! Whatever that means!

I don't mean to just feelings dump here, sorry. I encourage your friend to experiment with looking as visible as she wants, just.... be aware that there is a weird depressing valley between trying to reshape your whole look to be "gay enough" and still feeling like it's not enough to be seen.
posted by nakedmolerats at 10:02 AM on July 31, 2019 [9 favorites]


Agree that it's a constellation of signifiers. It's even harder when you are femme and bi/pan and are in a relationship with a man, because you can practically jump up and down singing "IIIIII am not straight!" to the tune of YMCA while shaking rainbow pom-poms and people will still call you an "ally".

Rainbows can sometimes be hit or miss when you have a femme presentation because some people will just assume you like rainbows in a "rainbows and unicorns!" type way, especially if you dress in bright colors. I have found that specific (in my case, bi) pride stuff is less likely to be recognized by the general public but more likely to be recognized by other LGBT+ people, if that helps.

My go-to piece is a necklace I ordered off Etsy. It is Captain America's shield, but re-colored so that the stripes are the bi pride colors (blue/purple/pink) instead of red, white, and blue. This works really well for me because I am a comics nerd as well.

Additional stuff that, in various combinations, seems to make it more likely I'll get read as queer:

-Femme but short hair. Some amount of shaved/undercut is good but you can also rock the pixie.
-"Unnatural" hair dye - I spent several years doing this and loved it, especially pink and purple, but I'm currently on a hiatus because it was so expensive to keep up and also my hair needed a bleach holiday. I will probably go back at some point though because I really loved it.
-I wear a lot of stuff that, while not explicitly a pride flag, incorporates either rainbows as a design element or the bi pride colors. It's actually pretty easy to find femme clothes in a gradient from blue to purple to pink, and while it's not strictly obviously bi it makes me feel good to assert that piece of my identity in my color choices (it helps that I like these colors anyway) and I think it's another "one piece of the puzzle" thing.
-Realizing there's a legit debate on the commercialization of Pride, etc., I do like occasionally wearing/using stuff that a large brand has explicitly marketed as a "Pride special edition" or whatever - like the Apple Watch bands for Pride that are rainbows. (I wanted the Pride Doc Martens so much, omg.)
-In my experience the more "alternative" coded fashion choices you have, the easier it is for a few more explicit signifiers to tip the presentation over from "alternative in general" to "queer." So, tattoos or less common piercings, maybe.
-A few key buttons on her work lanyard or bag or stuck in the corkboard at work could do a lot of carrying water at work. Personally I'm a fan of puns like "Bi Furious" or "PANtastic!" but I'm a nerd like that, heh.
-I notice that the more queer-coded my haircut is, the more ladies with similar haircuts tend to approach me in public with a compliment on my haircut. Possibly even if your friend is not rocking "Lesbian Haircut Number 4" as one of my friends used to call it, she could *offer* this kind of compliment?

After saying all this I realize that a lot of this stuff is mostly likely to work for the femme queer lady to be identified *by other queer ladies.* If what your friend wants is to be out at work to *straight* people without explicitly telling them... I think she's gonna have to spell it out somehow unless the nonprofit she works with focuses on LGBT+ issues. (I really like the t-shirt with the picture of N*Sync on it that says "Ain't No Lie - I'm BI BI BI" on it but again: NERD. Also that is likely only suitable for very casual workplaces.)

And even then, people can be pretty oblivious/heteronormative and some of them just Won't Get It unless explicitly told. There doesn't have to be a big obvious Special Coming Out Episode but you can also do things like mention going to Pride events or like put up Bi Visibility Month stuff or refer to yourself as part of the LGBT+ community when talking about issues that are relevant.

Good luck to her and solidarity.
posted by oblique red at 12:13 PM on July 31, 2019 [4 favorites]


How about a blue star tattoo on her wrist? In the 1940s and 1950s butch lesbians used to get small blue star tattoos on their wrists that could be covered by a watch face or watch band most of the time, then revealed when they went out in the evening to bars. Nowadays all kinds of queer women continue the tradition with blue five-star blue tattoos on their wrists, usually much bigger and bolder than the original discreet symbol. A bunch of my friends here in New Orleans have blue star tattoos, and at least two of them have jobs similar to your friend's.
posted by BicycleFace at 2:53 PM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]




This pan jewelry set made femme me feel far more visible: I was so thrilled to wear them to my fairly conservative workplace for the first time.
She could always add colour to a similar metal set through beads/ribbon, if inclined.
posted by NorthernAutumn at 2:34 PM on August 5, 2019


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