Etiquette after homicide
July 29, 2019 4:48 PM Subscribe
I am in the position of coordinating the post-death stuff - writing an obituary, planning a memorial, notifying others - for a relative who was recently killed by another relative. I have some questions.
My overarching question is, how should this be handled differently than any other death?
Some specific questions that have come up so far:
- When we are notifying people who knew the deceased, do we just say the person died? Do we say that they were killed? Do we say by whom? (Most people who knew the deceased also know the person who killed them.)
- In the obituary, when we list the people the deceased is "survived by," should we list the close relative who killed them? This is a person who would definitely be listed in other circumstances.
- I think in general you are supposed to announce the death, run the obituary, and plan the memorial/service quite soon after the death, like within a week or two. There are some logistical reasons (autopsy, investigation, family being quite geographically far apart) and some emotional reasons (shock, confusion) that we need to take longer to do some of those things. I think this is ok and we can use whatever time line we want, particularly because the deceased will be cremated and there will be no viewing of the body. Is this correct?
This person lived a somewhat isolated life, and we're not dealing with "high society" with heavy expectations for etiquette. But we want to be respectful, make sure this person's extended network of friends and family gets the information they need to know in a timely way, not let the rumor mill get out of control, and honor the memory of the deceased.
I don't even know what questions to ask, so if you have other thoughts, experiences, or resources that might be helpful, please share them. Thank you.
My overarching question is, how should this be handled differently than any other death?
Some specific questions that have come up so far:
- When we are notifying people who knew the deceased, do we just say the person died? Do we say that they were killed? Do we say by whom? (Most people who knew the deceased also know the person who killed them.)
- In the obituary, when we list the people the deceased is "survived by," should we list the close relative who killed them? This is a person who would definitely be listed in other circumstances.
- I think in general you are supposed to announce the death, run the obituary, and plan the memorial/service quite soon after the death, like within a week or two. There are some logistical reasons (autopsy, investigation, family being quite geographically far apart) and some emotional reasons (shock, confusion) that we need to take longer to do some of those things. I think this is ok and we can use whatever time line we want, particularly because the deceased will be cremated and there will be no viewing of the body. Is this correct?
This person lived a somewhat isolated life, and we're not dealing with "high society" with heavy expectations for etiquette. But we want to be respectful, make sure this person's extended network of friends and family gets the information they need to know in a timely way, not let the rumor mill get out of control, and honor the memory of the deceased.
I don't even know what questions to ask, so if you have other thoughts, experiences, or resources that might be helpful, please share them. Thank you.
I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.
I think when you notify people, most of of them will inquire about the circumstances, such as "Oh my god, what happened?" or "How???", so that gives you a lead in. Unless your other relative has confessed, it might be best to stick with "X has been arrested for/charged with it.
In the obit, I'd just say "suddenly," without going into any detail; I would include the other relative among the survived by. And as for the memorial service, yes, you can absolutely plan it for whenever makes logistical and emotional sense.
If you've chosen a funeral home, the director can probably help you out with a lot of questions like these. Movie tropes to the contrary, most I've dealt with are compassionate and unflappable.
posted by kate4914 at 5:12 PM on July 29, 2019 [9 favorites]
I think when you notify people, most of of them will inquire about the circumstances, such as "Oh my god, what happened?" or "How???", so that gives you a lead in. Unless your other relative has confessed, it might be best to stick with "X has been arrested for/charged with it.
In the obit, I'd just say "suddenly," without going into any detail; I would include the other relative among the survived by. And as for the memorial service, yes, you can absolutely plan it for whenever makes logistical and emotional sense.
If you've chosen a funeral home, the director can probably help you out with a lot of questions like these. Movie tropes to the contrary, most I've dealt with are compassionate and unflappable.
posted by kate4914 at 5:12 PM on July 29, 2019 [9 favorites]
As to survivors, I know of a family where the (adult) son and daughter died in a murder-suicide; the sister’s obit (she was the murder victim) mentioned she was “preceded in death” by her brother (which isn’t technically true but is obit-speak and avoids prurient speculation about the circumstances of their deaths among those that don’t know).
This situation is different, of course, but also not dissimilar. The point is that you can note that the deceased is survived by all of these people, and that list can include the relative that killed the deceased; it won’t be unseemly to include that person. You could omit that person, too, but that might cause more confusion and lead to gossip or other speculation by folks that don’t know the situation that you maybe would prefer to avoid.
posted by devinemissk at 5:17 PM on July 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
This situation is different, of course, but also not dissimilar. The point is that you can note that the deceased is survived by all of these people, and that list can include the relative that killed the deceased; it won’t be unseemly to include that person. You could omit that person, too, but that might cause more confusion and lead to gossip or other speculation by folks that don’t know the situation that you maybe would prefer to avoid.
posted by devinemissk at 5:17 PM on July 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
This is a great question for Mefite ColdChef. And shit, I am so, so sorry
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 5:24 PM on July 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 5:24 PM on July 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
I think a useful guide here is a) to do what the deceased would want and b) to do what is most comforting to you and the deceased's other close loved ones, the murderer excepted. If I had been murdered, I would not want the close relative who had killed me named as my survivor in my obituary, and I would want the cause of my death to be briefly explained to people who were notified of my death, to prevent unpleasant speculation and to avoid protecting someone who did something monstrous to me. But that's me. What would your loved one want? People will be understanding of your shock and confusion, and make allowances for the extended timeline.
posted by shadygrove at 5:35 PM on July 29, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 5:35 PM on July 29, 2019 [12 favorites]
Do what will be best for you and your family. While in many cases it would make sense to exclude the perpetrator, I can certainly see situations (accident and mental illness jump to mind) where it's not quite so binary a choice.
posted by lazuli at 5:50 PM on July 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by lazuli at 5:50 PM on July 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
If it were me and I wanted to avoid a lot of questions and discussions, I would leave out any survivors. I happen to think that mentioning the murderer as a survivor, while technically correct, is odd/wrong. Memorial services are often held weeks or months later for all sorts of good reasons. Do the service when it works for most people.
As for what to tell people who you contact to inform, I would tackle it head on. I do not know the circumstances behind this particular murder, but unless it was someone who was abused killing their abuser, I would tell people that the deceased was murdered or it was a homicide. If they ask further questions, tell them that more details will become public at a later date.
Peace.
posted by AugustWest at 5:51 PM on July 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
As for what to tell people who you contact to inform, I would tackle it head on. I do not know the circumstances behind this particular murder, but unless it was someone who was abused killing their abuser, I would tell people that the deceased was murdered or it was a homicide. If they ask further questions, tell them that more details will become public at a later date.
Peace.
posted by AugustWest at 5:51 PM on July 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
Do you know the "silk ring theory" of comfort-in, dump-out? That might be a helpful guiding principle here. Basically, don't worry about "etiquette" so much as what's going to be most helpful to the people closest to the victim, in concentric circles of closeness to the victim. If someone in a circle further out has an issue with what the people closer to the victim are doing, they need to vent to their friends, not put it back on the closer friends and family members to deal with. For me, having that framework in my head makes it easier to juggle potentially conflicting priorities.
posted by lazuli at 5:59 PM on July 29, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 5:59 PM on July 29, 2019 [12 favorites]
For how and what to tell people, it’s really up to you and the ways you think your actions might honor the person killed. Different ways yield different emotional experiences. If you want to have personal conversations with close friends and family as a way to express your own grief, and find some solace with others, you can say, “I’m sorry to be calling with terrible news, but X was killed yesterday. It’s been a shock and in addition we learned that he was killed by his [brother/son/etc], Y. It’s very sad and I really don’t know what else to say but I know you were close and deserve to know what happened.” You may want to have a few cherished stories about your relative ready to help people redirect if you don’t feel you can have one more conversation about it.
If you want to head off the rumor mill, as you describe, you can say something like “It’s been very complicated to understand how and why this happened. To honor X’s memory, I want to make sure his/her close friends and family have the facts about what happened. It’s important to us that his/her memory is cherished despite this really terrible and sad event. Forgive me, but I don't feel able to talk about it more at this point.”
You can also send a general email. It has the benefit of letting people process in their own way. Sometimes there’s second guessing about how we’re “supposed” to grieve or what we’re supposed to say to someone delivering this news. Email can also help you triage your energy and minimize rumors. So: “Dear loved ones and friends, I’m sorry to share the very sad news that X was killed yesterday. Additionally, we learned that X was killed by Y. As horrible and absolutely impossible as this is for us to understand, we are committed to cherishing X’s memory and making sure his/her loved ones have the facts about it. We don’t know if we’ll be having a funeral right away, and we may instead have a memorial in the fall. I/We will be sharing more as we know it. If you’d like to be in touch, please use email as we are spending a lot of time on the phone working through the details and email helps us/me ensure we’re attending to things properly. If you would like to help, we need a, b, c things and could really use help with g, h, i. X’s niece is helping to coordinate that and her contact info is etc.”
For the obituary, you can do whatever you want. You can omit the person who killed them. You can list them. You can list no one. One way to think about it is trying to imagine how you or other relatives may feel in a few years if you come across a clipping of the obituary. Will it infuriate you to see the name of the person who killed them there, or will you feel it was compassionate and started you on a path to grieving that centered on positive memories. It may depend on the circumstances of the death, even nuances of it. And you can certainly lean on other relatives to see if there’s a strong consensus. Sometimes a consensus eases your decision, and other times it may clarify that you feel contrary to it. Either is ok.
The delay between autopsy, investigation and cremation is normal. There is no one path through this. Your order of events makes complete sense, and it’s ok to simply say a memorial will be planned at a later time. You might want to have a very small service at the time of the cremation to mark your relative’s transition from corporeal existence to memory. That can help move close friends and family through grief, and reassure you you’re “doing the right thing” for your relative in terms of honoring their passing. But it’s not required, it takes up mental/emotional/physical energy you may need to use elsewhere, and that emotional work can still be encountered and invited at a later date as part of a memorial gather more family & friends are able to attend.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. Be kind and patient with yourself. Feel free to meMail me if you have other questions.
posted by cocoagirl at 6:02 PM on July 29, 2019 [25 favorites]
If you want to head off the rumor mill, as you describe, you can say something like “It’s been very complicated to understand how and why this happened. To honor X’s memory, I want to make sure his/her close friends and family have the facts about what happened. It’s important to us that his/her memory is cherished despite this really terrible and sad event. Forgive me, but I don't feel able to talk about it more at this point.”
You can also send a general email. It has the benefit of letting people process in their own way. Sometimes there’s second guessing about how we’re “supposed” to grieve or what we’re supposed to say to someone delivering this news. Email can also help you triage your energy and minimize rumors. So: “Dear loved ones and friends, I’m sorry to share the very sad news that X was killed yesterday. Additionally, we learned that X was killed by Y. As horrible and absolutely impossible as this is for us to understand, we are committed to cherishing X’s memory and making sure his/her loved ones have the facts about it. We don’t know if we’ll be having a funeral right away, and we may instead have a memorial in the fall. I/We will be sharing more as we know it. If you’d like to be in touch, please use email as we are spending a lot of time on the phone working through the details and email helps us/me ensure we’re attending to things properly. If you would like to help, we need a, b, c things and could really use help with g, h, i. X’s niece is helping to coordinate that and her contact info is etc.”
For the obituary, you can do whatever you want. You can omit the person who killed them. You can list them. You can list no one. One way to think about it is trying to imagine how you or other relatives may feel in a few years if you come across a clipping of the obituary. Will it infuriate you to see the name of the person who killed them there, or will you feel it was compassionate and started you on a path to grieving that centered on positive memories. It may depend on the circumstances of the death, even nuances of it. And you can certainly lean on other relatives to see if there’s a strong consensus. Sometimes a consensus eases your decision, and other times it may clarify that you feel contrary to it. Either is ok.
The delay between autopsy, investigation and cremation is normal. There is no one path through this. Your order of events makes complete sense, and it’s ok to simply say a memorial will be planned at a later time. You might want to have a very small service at the time of the cremation to mark your relative’s transition from corporeal existence to memory. That can help move close friends and family through grief, and reassure you you’re “doing the right thing” for your relative in terms of honoring their passing. But it’s not required, it takes up mental/emotional/physical energy you may need to use elsewhere, and that emotional work can still be encountered and invited at a later date as part of a memorial gather more family & friends are able to attend.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. Be kind and patient with yourself. Feel free to meMail me if you have other questions.
posted by cocoagirl at 6:02 PM on July 29, 2019 [25 favorites]
My answers are predicated on you contacting these people individually and in person, ie by phone or email.
- Do we say that they were killed? Do we say by whom? (Most people who knew the deceased also know the person who killed them.)
You do. They will ask and you should answer. It will be in the papers and online anyway.
- In the obituary, when we list the people the deceased is "survived by," should we list the close relative who killed them? This is a person who would definitely be listed in other circumstances.
You would normally say the deceased died "tragically" or "tragically and unexpectedly" and be vague about surivivors. If a woman is killed by her spouse, you would say she is survived her children and grandchildren" by name "and her family and many friends." If a man is killed by his son, you generally name the spouse and don't name the children -- "Survived by his wife Ruth, four children and 8 grandchildren." Or drop names entirely; that's fine too.
We cremated my father, collected the ashes, and held a memorial six months after he died. I would recommend it. It was an emotional day, but I was no longer in a 24/7 state of shock and grief.
I'm very sorry you are having to face this situation.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:03 PM on July 29, 2019 [15 favorites]
- Do we say that they were killed? Do we say by whom? (Most people who knew the deceased also know the person who killed them.)
You do. They will ask and you should answer. It will be in the papers and online anyway.
- In the obituary, when we list the people the deceased is "survived by," should we list the close relative who killed them? This is a person who would definitely be listed in other circumstances.
You would normally say the deceased died "tragically" or "tragically and unexpectedly" and be vague about surivivors. If a woman is killed by her spouse, you would say she is survived her children and grandchildren" by name "and her family and many friends." If a man is killed by his son, you generally name the spouse and don't name the children -- "Survived by his wife Ruth, four children and 8 grandchildren." Or drop names entirely; that's fine too.
We cremated my father, collected the ashes, and held a memorial six months after he died. I would recommend it. It was an emotional day, but I was no longer in a 24/7 state of shock and grief.
I'm very sorry you are having to face this situation.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:03 PM on July 29, 2019 [15 favorites]
I'm so sorry.
Did some quick research and found an example of a somewhat similar situation (wife shot by estranged husband). The obituary says that the deceased "died tragically" and does not name the killer as a survivor.
The suggestion to work with the funeral home seems like a good one. Even if they haven't seen exactly this situation before, they should have have access to resources to help you.
posted by bunderful at 6:06 PM on July 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
Did some quick research and found an example of a somewhat similar situation (wife shot by estranged husband). The obituary says that the deceased "died tragically" and does not name the killer as a survivor.
The suggestion to work with the funeral home seems like a good one. Even if they haven't seen exactly this situation before, they should have have access to resources to help you.
posted by bunderful at 6:06 PM on July 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
I’m so, so sorry you are going through this. Murder is an especially painful way to lose someone. (Based on your phrasing I am guessing that is what happened.) you may know, the details will likely be in local news, especially if it’s a murder or even a car accident and if there’s any chance of it going to court. If it was not accidental you may want to notify close friends of the deceased what happened so that they find out directly, not from the news media, as a kindness, but you don’t have to. Cocoagirl has good wording for this. If you have friends offering to help this is definitely a task to dump on them - or offer to email later with details so you don’t have to tell the story over and over.
One thing I’ve seen in obits is “so and so will be missed by [names]” so that’s one phrasing that leaves out survived by. You can also publish a short death announcement now and follow with a full obituary later - I see that a lot in my local paper.
I’m so sorry. This is so hard. Do whatever you need to or can do to take care of yourself in this time.
posted by john_snow at 6:17 PM on July 29, 2019
One thing I’ve seen in obits is “so and so will be missed by [names]” so that’s one phrasing that leaves out survived by. You can also publish a short death announcement now and follow with a full obituary later - I see that a lot in my local paper.
I’m so sorry. This is so hard. Do whatever you need to or can do to take care of yourself in this time.
posted by john_snow at 6:17 PM on July 29, 2019
As to your last question—take as much time as you need. I’m sure your relative would appreciate the effort you’re putting in to honoring their life.
posted by sallybrown at 6:29 PM on July 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by sallybrown at 6:29 PM on July 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
Hi. I’m a professional funeral director and I have faced this exact type of tragedy before. Although it is too much to type out here (and in funerals, specifics are key), I am more than happy to help you and and talk to you about what to expect. If you’ll email me at coldchef@gmail.com, I’ll provide you with my number and we can discuss it. Your privacy is very important to me and I’d like to help.
posted by ColdChef at 6:35 PM on July 29, 2019 [120 favorites]
posted by ColdChef at 6:35 PM on July 29, 2019 [120 favorites]
I'm sorry for your loss. This is how a friend of mine from childhood 'sfamily handled it but they were somewhat well known. They did name the killer as a survivor.
posted by notjustthefish at 7:00 PM on July 29, 2019
posted by notjustthefish at 7:00 PM on July 29, 2019
I'm extremely sorry for your having to go through this. I think cocoagirl's suggested phrasing is generally good; however, I would not explicitly state that X killed Y, to avoid any risk of legal problems. "X was arrested for killing Y," "X has confessed to killing Y" (if that happened)...basically any variant that avoids you directly asserting as of your own knowledge that X killed Y.
posted by praemunire at 7:58 PM on July 29, 2019
posted by praemunire at 7:58 PM on July 29, 2019
I have had a number of friends, for whom when a difficult situation struck, they would tell their inner circle the details, and then ask them to share with the families wishes- "Beth's breast cancer has returned, and she is now planning hospice, we will do a meal train, but the family wants some time to regroup without visitors." "Bob died in a tragic accident yesterday morning, his wife is making plans for the funeral, and I will let you know all the details as soon as she tells me." Many people want to help in a situation like this, and talking about it might be easier for them, then for you.
posted by momochan at 8:15 PM on July 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by momochan at 8:15 PM on July 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
Cold Chef will be very helpful for you. Get his advice/experience for the inevitable questions that you will face at the service (if there will be one) as well as for the obit.
posted by Cranberry at 12:50 AM on July 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Cranberry at 12:50 AM on July 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
A couple of months ago, a former coworker of mine was shot and killed by his stepson. I can tell you how some of the issues you mention were handled in his case:
The obituary listed survivors, including his stepdaughters, but did not list his stepson (who very clearly killed him; there is no actual doubt of that, regardless of the legal status that he hasn't been convicted). The obituary did not list his cause of death, but rather used the common euphemism "suddenly" which is often employed for suicides and homicides.
His killing made headlines in the counties where he worked and lived, and anyone local who knew him couldn't help but find out. But apparently his daughters from his first marriage, who lived in another state, were not told how he died. They had to find it out online. It would no doubt have been kinder to tell them directly. I think anyone who is close either by blood or emotionally deserves to hear that information from someone who cares to impart it as gently and respectfully as possible.
posted by nirblegee at 12:51 AM on July 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
The obituary listed survivors, including his stepdaughters, but did not list his stepson (who very clearly killed him; there is no actual doubt of that, regardless of the legal status that he hasn't been convicted). The obituary did not list his cause of death, but rather used the common euphemism "suddenly" which is often employed for suicides and homicides.
His killing made headlines in the counties where he worked and lived, and anyone local who knew him couldn't help but find out. But apparently his daughters from his first marriage, who lived in another state, were not told how he died. They had to find it out online. It would no doubt have been kinder to tell them directly. I think anyone who is close either by blood or emotionally deserves to hear that information from someone who cares to impart it as gently and respectfully as possible.
posted by nirblegee at 12:51 AM on July 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
A relative of mine died unexpectedly while living and working overseas. Culturally the default was to have the funeral as soon as possible after death, ideally within a week. We understood from his close family that it would take a long time to organise all the paperwork so that he could be cremated and have a memorial service. It did take quite a while. This was ok.
You should definitely take whatever timeline is right, and what 'right' is should be driven by the requirements of the state and the needs of the closest mourners.
In another situation a colleague of mine died tragically and unexpectedly. In telling our organisation, his family asked that we not speculate as to his cause of death. It is possible to make an accurate guess using publicly available information online. But knowing that they didn't want such speculation gave us helpful clues for sending our condolences.
posted by plonkee at 5:46 AM on July 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
You should definitely take whatever timeline is right, and what 'right' is should be driven by the requirements of the state and the needs of the closest mourners.
In another situation a colleague of mine died tragically and unexpectedly. In telling our organisation, his family asked that we not speculate as to his cause of death. It is possible to make an accurate guess using publicly available information online. But knowing that they didn't want such speculation gave us helpful clues for sending our condolences.
posted by plonkee at 5:46 AM on July 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Yes, please talk to ColdChef. He has all the answers and a beautifully sympathetic way.
posted by bendy at 1:35 AM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by bendy at 1:35 AM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You and whoever else is calling people should not have to rehash the circumstances of the person's death over and over again. When they ask how the person died just say you can't talk about it now. If you feel that it would be appropriate you could, after you've spoken to them, send a letter with more details.
You don't have to mention survivors by name in an obit.
It's fairly common to say in the obit that a memorial service will be held at a later date, so just say that.
posted by mareli at 5:07 PM on July 29, 2019 [7 favorites]