Resources for depressed women 55+
July 29, 2019 12:02 PM Subscribe
My mother is going through a particularly worrisome and severe bout of depression. She has a doctors appointment scheduled for tomorrow, thankfully. In the interim, she has expressed worry and sadness that she is unusual, weak, ridiculous, "not strong" like so-and-so, that her life is meaningless, etc. I have seen articles in the past that describe the unique difficulties faced by older women as they divorce, as their kids grow up and move away, as they retire from jobs and lose the activities that once gave them "meaning", as they find themselves more isolated (especially in small rural towns) and increasingly losing their support network. I think she might take some comfort in reading articles/books/anything that helps her feel less alone. Thanks!
I’m glad your mother has a doctors appointment since her depression could be related to SO many things, including medical issues. IANAD, but something I’ve found really helpful is to identify distortions in my thinking when I start to be mean to myself. Cognitive-based therapy has been the one thing that has consistently pulled me out of depression. Feeling Good, which is often recommended here on The Green, is a very good layman’s guide to CBT. (Here is a good shortcut to the mental distortions outlines by David Burns.)
Best of luck to you and your mom.
posted by Gusaroo at 3:08 PM on July 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best of luck to you and your mom.
posted by Gusaroo at 3:08 PM on July 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm in my late sixties, live alone far from my kids and grandkids, still working. One of the most important things for me is exercise. If your mom isn't getting any encourage her strongly. Exercise helps a lot of people with depression. I walk for 45-60 minutes every morning, and I swim a couple of times a week. She should look into local gyms for exercise classes to help keep her flexible. I don't have any particular books to recommend but she could check to see if her public library has any book groups.
Is there any chance she could move closer to family members? I'm contemplating doing that when I retire.
posted by mareli at 5:43 PM on July 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
Is there any chance she could move closer to family members? I'm contemplating doing that when I retire.
posted by mareli at 5:43 PM on July 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
The biggest gift you can give your mom is to make her feel heard. Respond to her by asking her questions, by repeating back (in different words) what you heard her say, etc. In other words, good active listening. She is not a problem to be fixed, and she's not wrong, as you seem to think she is, about being weak, unusual, etc. You may find it painful to explore how those things are true for her, but it's her life, she knows it better than you do. Ask and listen, really listen, without trying to "correct" her or impose your beliefs. That is the thing that may make her feel less alone.
Source: I'm a depressed woman, although not over 55. I also have a Bachelor's degree in psychology, worked as a residential counselor, and volunteered on a suicide hotline. I know how to talk to people who are in a dark place, and I know that the way they are most commonly talked to/argued with is diametrically opposed to helpful. The lengthy training we received prior to answering phones on the suicide hotline all essentially boiled down to this: Listen. No, really listen. Don't manipulate. Don't impose beliefs. Don't argue. Listen.
I've gathered that most people's psychological structure is such that they deal with the pain of living by denying it, but I don't, and nor do most depressed people. There's solid research that shows that depressed people on average are more realistic than nondepressed people. Your mom may be *more* realistic than you are about the circumstances of her life. It may really be worse to be her than you are willing to acknowledge.
There's a rather mediocre Robin Williams movie, What Dreams May Come, that I cherish for the message it relays about how to meet someone where they are rather than trying to argue them into the emotional space you wish they would occupy. It is worth watching for that reason alone.
posted by nirblegee at 1:36 AM on July 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Source: I'm a depressed woman, although not over 55. I also have a Bachelor's degree in psychology, worked as a residential counselor, and volunteered on a suicide hotline. I know how to talk to people who are in a dark place, and I know that the way they are most commonly talked to/argued with is diametrically opposed to helpful. The lengthy training we received prior to answering phones on the suicide hotline all essentially boiled down to this: Listen. No, really listen. Don't manipulate. Don't impose beliefs. Don't argue. Listen.
I've gathered that most people's psychological structure is such that they deal with the pain of living by denying it, but I don't, and nor do most depressed people. There's solid research that shows that depressed people on average are more realistic than nondepressed people. Your mom may be *more* realistic than you are about the circumstances of her life. It may really be worse to be her than you are willing to acknowledge.
There's a rather mediocre Robin Williams movie, What Dreams May Come, that I cherish for the message it relays about how to meet someone where they are rather than trying to argue them into the emotional space you wish they would occupy. It is worth watching for that reason alone.
posted by nirblegee at 1:36 AM on July 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: She is not a problem to be fixed, and she's not wrong, as you seem to think she is, about being weak, unusual, etc. You may find it painful to explore how those things are true for her, but it's her life, she knows it better than you do. Ask and listen, really listen, without trying to "correct" her or impose your beliefs. That is the thing that may make her feel less alone.
nirblegee, while I appreciate your advice, you seem to be approaching my question as though there is underlying judgement or desire to fix, on my end, which is not how it is worded and is not true.
posted by Anonymouse1618 at 6:12 PM on July 30, 2019
nirblegee, while I appreciate your advice, you seem to be approaching my question as though there is underlying judgement or desire to fix, on my end, which is not how it is worded and is not true.
posted by Anonymouse1618 at 6:12 PM on July 30, 2019
I heard this song on the radio today, and it reminded me of your question: Landslide (Fleetwood Mac)
And as a point of clarification about my previous comment, the links talk about the prevalence of depression in the general population, and that was the best I could find for helping normalize your mom's experience, because so many people experience the loneliness and social isolation described in your question. It's just framed in the context of the 'pet effect' as potentially offering some solace and comfort for a widely-shared phenomenon that is not unusual, nor weak or ridiculous.
posted by Little Dawn at 7:51 PM on July 30, 2019
And as a point of clarification about my previous comment, the links talk about the prevalence of depression in the general population, and that was the best I could find for helping normalize your mom's experience, because so many people experience the loneliness and social isolation described in your question. It's just framed in the context of the 'pet effect' as potentially offering some solace and comfort for a widely-shared phenomenon that is not unusual, nor weak or ridiculous.
posted by Little Dawn at 7:51 PM on July 30, 2019
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