Queer signaling 101 for the bisexual woman
July 27, 2019 8:36 PM Subscribe
I’m a bisexual (or maybe pansexual? I don’t know, I just like people) cis woman, and there’s a lesbian woman at my gym that I’m interested in getting to know better and maybe asking out. Would it be weird or inappropriate for me to wear a rainbow headband as an attempt at signaling “Hey, I’m queer, too!”? At the same time, I don’t want her to assume I’m lesbian when I’m not.
Response by poster: I should add: I already own the rainbow headband, and am wondering if I could wear it for this purpose tomorrow.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:00 PM on July 27, 2019
posted by ocherdraco at 9:00 PM on July 27, 2019
Fellow queer cis woman here. A tank top or tee from autostraddle is a really good way to do this that’s a little less rainbow-y. The rainbow I might take as a “hey I got this as a freebie and I’m an ally so I’m gonna wear it.” Stuff from autostraddle I immediate read as “hello fellow queer girl”
Read your update: go for it! Have fun! But also don’t assume she’ll read it as a signal.
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 9:04 PM on July 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
Read your update: go for it! Have fun! But also don’t assume she’ll read it as a signal.
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 9:04 PM on July 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
I don't assume a rainbow means gay/lesbian rather than bisexual, so I think you're fine there. What I'm imagining as a rainbow headband seems kind of extra, but also I am the kind of person who does not wear accessories and if you already own it than it's clearly authentically you, so...
(But a tshirt from Autostraddle or something sounds better to me, too.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:07 PM on July 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
(But a tshirt from Autostraddle or something sounds better to me, too.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:07 PM on July 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
I am a queer woman.
I don't think it'd be weird or inappropriate, no. It'd probably be part of a number of smaller signals that might get her thinking "possibly queer, possibly... not?" and might lead to her tossing other symbols your way... or it might not. Usually in my experience, there's a fair bit of testing waters if someone isn't quite sure how you ID right off the bat but thinks you might be a fellow LGBTQ person. There isn't a single obvious klaxon signal to tactfully say "HELLO I AM A BISEXUAL PERSON YES A REAL ONE RIGHT HERE YES." A rainbow headband might be helpful as part of a bunch of ways to introduce opportunities to casually mention that you're bi, though.
Honestly, I would say that if she's furious or otherwise offended by you wearing a rainbow, which is usually a pan-community symbol, when you're "merely" bisexual and not a "full lesbian?" She's definitely not safe to date and you should not date her or get emotionally near her in that case anyway. Full fucking stop. Obviously, be honest, but also--there is weird pressure in communities of wlw, and it is not your responsibility to be a perfect bisexual or to magically prevent every single lesbian out there from ever possibly being hurt by your human feelings, whatever they are or wind up being.
posted by sciatrix at 9:13 PM on July 27, 2019 [44 favorites]
I don't think it'd be weird or inappropriate, no. It'd probably be part of a number of smaller signals that might get her thinking "possibly queer, possibly... not?" and might lead to her tossing other symbols your way... or it might not. Usually in my experience, there's a fair bit of testing waters if someone isn't quite sure how you ID right off the bat but thinks you might be a fellow LGBTQ person. There isn't a single obvious klaxon signal to tactfully say "HELLO I AM A BISEXUAL PERSON YES A REAL ONE RIGHT HERE YES." A rainbow headband might be helpful as part of a bunch of ways to introduce opportunities to casually mention that you're bi, though.
Honestly, I would say that if she's furious or otherwise offended by you wearing a rainbow, which is usually a pan-community symbol, when you're "merely" bisexual and not a "full lesbian?" She's definitely not safe to date and you should not date her or get emotionally near her in that case anyway. Full fucking stop. Obviously, be honest, but also--there is weird pressure in communities of wlw, and it is not your responsibility to be a perfect bisexual or to magically prevent every single lesbian out there from ever possibly being hurt by your human feelings, whatever they are or wind up being.
posted by sciatrix at 9:13 PM on July 27, 2019 [44 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the gut check everybody! Gonna wear it and see what happens. (It’s an athletic headband, FYI, so it’s not gonna be like showing up in a rainbow tutu or something.)
posted by ocherdraco at 5:33 AM on July 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 5:33 AM on July 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
I usually use the incredibly subtle symbol of "Hey, I'm The Almighty Mommy Goddess. Want to get a protein shake after working out?"
Or, y'know, something similar.
I've been turned down all of once - turned out she was straight. But I had some lovely relationships, on both sides of being bisexual, using this fabulously subtle approach.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 7:32 AM on July 28, 2019 [16 favorites]
Or, y'know, something similar.
I've been turned down all of once - turned out she was straight. But I had some lovely relationships, on both sides of being bisexual, using this fabulously subtle approach.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 7:32 AM on July 28, 2019 [16 favorites]
Response by poster: Alas, she wasn’t there this morning, but there was an adorable 4 year old who was waiting in the lounge while her mom worked out who was so excited to see an adult wearing something rainbow patterned because she loves rainbows, so it was good all round, really.
And I actually already had a conversation with this woman where I said “let’s hang out sometime” and got her number, so this whole thing was really more about extra signaling than anything else. Now I just have to text her, I guess.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:48 AM on July 28, 2019 [34 favorites]
And I actually already had a conversation with this woman where I said “let’s hang out sometime” and got her number, so this whole thing was really more about extra signaling than anything else. Now I just have to text her, I guess.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:48 AM on July 28, 2019 [34 favorites]
I know you've got your answer, but for you and others - I'm a lesbian and if I saw a woman wearing a rainbow I wouldn't automatically assume lesbian, I'd just think she was any flavor of gay.
posted by FirstMateKate at 9:06 AM on July 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by FirstMateKate at 9:06 AM on July 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
let her know you're bisexual in the same way/through the same channels/with the same specificity she let you know she's lesbian, however she did that
(edit: too late. but still.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:13 AM on July 28, 2019
(edit: too late. but still.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:13 AM on July 28, 2019
She gave you her number already so just say oh hey is this a date or coffee, both are great. It sounds very cute and happening already!
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:23 PM on July 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:23 PM on July 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Because I know people love a follow up on threads like this: we went out for brunch a few times, I asked her out properly (“I’d like to go on dates with you”), I got politely turned down, and she’s ended up primarily using another gym, so I don’t see her anymore.
But all is not lost! Through mutual friends, I met a man I’ve hit it off with who is unambiguously into me, and we’re seeing where things lead, despite the fact that we live 340 miles apart.
posted by ocherdraco at 12:24 PM on November 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
But all is not lost! Through mutual friends, I met a man I’ve hit it off with who is unambiguously into me, and we’re seeing where things lead, despite the fact that we live 340 miles apart.
posted by ocherdraco at 12:24 PM on November 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:51 PM on July 27, 2019 [2 favorites]