How do I convince my parents on my therapy choice?

July 22, 2019 6:10 AM

I was lucky to earn enough of money and in a 70s style rock blow out managed to piss it away on over the top things, along with drugs and alcohol. I have quit and luckily did not have a hard time, but blew my money and have to stay with my parents. They're mortified and have a somewhat (date in my opinion) view on alcohol abuse. Unfortunately while I get back on my feet I need to rely on them for sustenance and in doing so I'm worried the stress they're putting on me is causing me to actually want to say screw it, I guess I can't change on my own why try.

I cleaned up on my own, luckily I wasn't that bad just drinking every day and had no withdrawal symptoms. The drugs were never a problem and never something I sought out. I realize fully that I was in the wrong and made a mistake. I have sought out the care of a very well respected, Ivy league psychiatrist and we're working through what he believes are underlying issues with alcohol and I was causing me to more or less self-medicate. Through talk therapy and medication, he's right. I don't have the urge to drink, I don't have social anxiety that's crippling and only goes away after a couple of drinks and a couple other issues like mild depression.

Since I do not currently have a source of income, something I'm working on to get quickly, I cannot live on my own right now. Staying with other people are not an option as I do not feel it is a good time, or any good time, to go back to the circle of hanger-ons and friends that enabled the lifestyle. At the same time my parents will often get in my face and tell me I cannot make good decisions, that I'm an alcoholic (the doctor prefers alcohol abuse disorder), and that I cannot stop on the own. It is not true, as I did not, but I'd like to fix the underlying issues that lead to this and I feel as if he is helping with that. He's not judgmental, they blame everything in my life up until this point on alcohol. Being called an alcoholic all the time and second guessing any choice I make is frustrating. I cannot leave the house without them accompanying me, we have to have an open door policy all the time. It is very suffocating. I think what it really is, they watched too many tough love episodes of Intervention and googled the most cliche recovery stories and think I'm a monster. I was having 5-6 drinks a night which was definitely not good, and I admit that, but I and my therapist believe it is under control and this is being counterproductive to getting where I need to be. They believe I'm going to him "just to get drugs."

So you might be asking yourself at this point, what does the therapist think. He wants them to come to therapy with me, and has given me very well reasoned responses to my treatment working. I have offered to give them urine tests to prove that I am not drinking. I think what has happened is they have talked to a very good salesman at an expensive rehab center they found who has given them the "this is only way to do this," keep in mind I'm more than a month sober. I wouldn't even be opposed to going but it is $20k and they won't pay for it, I can't afford it, but I also need a place to stay. This has been a lot of stress. I'd almost rather somehow go to $20k in debt living on my own and pursuing the treatment that's working then go there, but I don't know how to go about that. This place is obviously offering to put me on a horrible credit plan with high interest.

In any case, I literally don't know what I'll do if I'm thrown out. I've asked if there's a date they want me out by if I don't go through whatever treatment they want (it changes from rehab to AA, to thinking I need to go to the hospital and if they give me a firm day it'll change the next day). I guess if I was reading this post by a teenager my advice would be just get out and stay with a friend or family members. I'm in my late 30s, I've asked my friends and the ones I trust are all married and frankly I don't blame them taking in someone unemployed going through what I am and not knowing when he'll be out of the house. It is not like college when some random guy would show up on the couch for a month. Looking to see if Metafilter has any advice. Thanks!

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (13 answers total)

If the literal cost of staying with your parents is that you attend AA, and your therapist doesn't think it's going to hurt, then... go to AA. You can sit in the back row and play Words with Friends with your phone on silent.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:14 AM on July 22, 2019 [33 favorites]

If at all possible, assuming you're in the US, see if you can get SNAP benefits, apply for housing, and if your parents continue to inappropriately violate your boundaries and actively hamper your recovery by not only ignoring but being dismissive of the massive progress you've already made, maybe revisit the discussion with some of those friends who weren't part of your cycle of abuse.

Your friends' willingness to help may be increased if they are only housing you and not also feeding you and paying for other expenses and can see that you are doing what you can to get yourself self sufficient as quickly as is compatible with your recovery.

It may also help if you can line up a few different places you can periodically rotate between so that you won't become a permanent, possibly suffocating, (not intentionally, but we all know that feeling of never being able to find alone time!) fixture in their home. More so if you have things like volunteer commitments, hobbies, or whatever that will get you out of the house at least a few times a week for a few hours at a time.

Otherwise, if you and your therapist agree it won't be harmful to you, just start going to AA meetings. Hopefully, you taking the initiative there and just doing it without involving your parents directly will get them to settle down a bit and stop being so unhelpfully overbearing.
posted by wierdo at 6:41 AM on July 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

Your parents going to a therapy session with you seems like the best first step. Are they amenable?
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:47 AM on July 22, 2019 [4 favorites]

Also, I just want to say that I'm sorry they are minimizing your accomplishments. It's amazing that you are doing as well as you are and you (and they!) should be proud of that. TBH, it sounds like they need some therapy of their own to learn how to deal with their own feelings in a more productive way. I suspect that the issues you were self medicating for were largely learned behavior that they were modeling that did not serve you well. They may well feel guilty about that and seem to be overcompensating in a very unhelpful, unhealthy, and controlling way.
posted by wierdo at 6:47 AM on July 22, 2019 [3 favorites]

Be vocally appreciative of your parent's supporting you. Listen to them, they know stuff and they deserve to be heard. Then explain that you understand you acted foolishly, made poor choices, but that you are grateful that the worst thing that happened to you was financial. That you trust the psychiatrist and want to follow the reasonable course of action. Ask them to consider coming in to see him. I suspect that genuinely listening to them, hearing their concerns, will go a long way.
posted by theora55 at 7:01 AM on July 22, 2019 [10 favorites]

So regardless of how easy it was for you to quit, while you were using you made enough decisions to end up living with your parents, which is concerning.

Honestly it sounds like you have things fairly under control but your parents want you to do more.

I think coming up with a plan with them is a good idea of just stuff. Something like towards my recovery I will take my meds every day, go to therapy, psychotherapy, psychiatrist once a week, I will attend aa meetings, do these chores at home whatever. Make sure in this plan are things to get you back on your feet, job applications, education, the stuff you were going to do anyway.

This isn't for them, it is mostly for you . It is so you can tell them this week I did these things. Print out online apps you send, whatever. This way they feel involved, you show progress.

I don't think AA would hurt (and, it's free!) I do think going to inpatient rehab (provided what you said is actually factual, that you are 30days 100 percent sober , active in treatment with a care provider you like etc). I say this with that provided because addicts are known for minimizing their issues and there is no way for me to know if that is the case for you.

If you can get them to come with them to at your therapist great. But a plan everybody can reference towards your goals can't be harmful, and your parents will feel involved.

Make sure the plan is measurable stuff. Stuff they can see. That way it's referencable.

Good luck in your recovery.
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:03 AM on July 22, 2019 [10 favorites]

For reference, you can look at the ASAM criteria (and show it to your parents) for hospitalization which while usually used for insurance purposes is a good guideline for what level of treatment you should be currently getting.
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:29 AM on July 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

You’re rightfully unwilling to go back to a scene where you coped with life via alcohol and drugs. You’re living in the scene that (at a minimum) helped you land there in the first place.

While it would be stressful to stay with a series of friends (tell them you need to impinge on their hospitality for N days and meticulously honor it) I suspect it will be a lot less stressful than your current situation. In the meantime you need to find a job no matter how lowly it seems. A regular paycheck is a major key to credibility — socially and financially — in our society and when you have one you’ll be on the way to rebuilding yours.

To answer your question though I think having your parents in for a joint session with your therapist will do a lot towards convincing them to accept him. Right now he is a faceless name; being in an office with a real person with degrees on the wall may not completely change their minds but it will go a long way.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:59 AM on July 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

I've been on the other side of this. Living with an addict in your life is also hell, a completely & totally different sort of hell where you watch someone you love make stupid dangerous choices and can do nothing to help or protect them because they won't listen. While I suspect many of the restrictions are in their mind to "protect" you from relapsing I suspect most of them are to protect themselves from you relapsing.

My brother is a recovering meth addict, he too was self medicating, in his case, after discovering the body of his best friend who committed suicide It's been two years since he stopped. He is living a happy life now, has remarried is reconnecting with his kids and working hard. We are all happy as can be for him, and every single one of us (his kids included) that lived through the three years of nightmare of his addiction keep him very carefully at arms length & don't trust him completely. We don't know if we ever will.

Families need to heal from addiction & drug abusing family members just like addicts (or whatever you want to call them). Only we don't get pins & people cheering us on for surviving, we're expected to immediately love & support the recovering addict and are the bad guys if we don't. Oh look he's turning his life around isn't that great. It's only been 2 years since my brother (who I loved dearly) decided to destroy my family, his family, steal from my mother, then hospitalized her & try to kill his then gf by setting her on fire among other things. It's going to take time for me to trust him again, silly me.

As my therapist said to me, think of trust as deposits in a bank, and addict overdraws on that account & it takes time & them being trust worthy to pay it back. It is not wrong for them not to trust you, this might be what they need to do for you to earn that trust back.

The best thing the three of you could do is some sort of group counselling to work through these issues together.
posted by wwax at 8:31 AM on July 22, 2019 [39 favorites]

In five days, I'll be two years sober. I mention this because I've been there. One thing that really sticks out to me, as a recovering alcoholic, is that you really make a point to not call yourself an alcoholic. Even though you said you made a mistake, you seem really invested in a narrative that alcohol abuse was something that happened to you and not something you actively participated in. Between that and minimizing the drug use, I can see why your parents would have some concerns.

I think group counseling is an excellent idea. You and your parents need to find a middle ground and an unbiased third party can really help with that. So not your personal psychiatrist because your parents already don't trust that person (and, tbh, I think he sounds kinda enabling myself) and he's going to be Team You.

Congratulations on your month. May it be the first of many more.
posted by Ruki at 4:01 PM on July 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

Your parents are wrong to dismiss your therapist's competence before speaking with him and wrong to insist on one specific expensive rehab place. but part of why they're behaving irrationally is because they have been made helpless and out of control in their own lives and their own home, through your choices; somebody came into their home and won't leave until he chooses. That you are their kid makes it worse; even very bad parents can feel totally unable to say No to an imposition like that, which is why adults in your situation do go to their parents even when the relationship is difficult.

I'm worried the stress they're putting on me is causing me to actually want to say screw it

it's only causing you to want anything in the same way the stress you are putting on them is 'causing' them to criticize and pressure you.

frankly I don't blame them taking in someone unemployed going through what I am and not knowing when he'll be out of the house. It is not like college when some random guy would show up on the couch for a month.

You're right. But extending this easy empathy to your friends when you don't extend it to your parents is kind of a slap in the face to them. the way they're treating you would be not just awful but unthinkable if you were a houseguest who wasn't their child. but if you weren't their child, they'd never have taken you in in the first place.

None of this is to say you should move out right away. if you don't have anywhere better to go, then you don't have anywhere better to go, and that's that. But don't challenge them again to give you an ultimatum in the form of a must-be-out-by date. Set your own move-out date, based on practical calculations of when you can do it, tell them, and stick to it. there are no guarantees, but specific reassurance that you haven't come home forever might help them calm down and treat you more rationally and respectfully.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:34 PM on July 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

It sounds like your parents are really scared. They're scared you're going to relapse because - in their minds - you don't have a plan. They're looking for a plan that make sense to them, whether that's rehab or AA or some other program. Since you are dependent on them right now, you are probably going to have to compromise. Go to AA or Smart Recovery or some other support group. Go every day. If they see that you are making real effort to stay sober, they will likely back off. They'll still be scared but it will likely become more manageable.

Here's the deal: you're in your late thirties, you have no job and no permanent place to live. Whatever label you want to use for yourself - and I don't find "alcoholic" particularly useful either - you have taken actions that have put you in a very bad place. You can't minimize that - and I gotta be honest, I'm reading some significant minimization in your post - without raising major flags for the people who are worried about you. So, take some action to help alleviate their fears. Think of it as a kind of rent you're paying them.

And, therapy with your parents seems like a waste of time to me. What's the point? For your therapist to assure them that you won't relapse? For the therapist to convince them that they shouldn't be scared, disgusted, disappointed, sad? Family therapy seems like misdirected energy. I'd put my energy into getting a plan for staying sober.
posted by MissPitts at 6:25 PM on July 22, 2019 [3 favorites]

in doing so I'm worried the stress they're putting on me is causing me to actually want to say screw it, I guess I can't change on my own why try.

If they've been around the block a few times (as I have, personally as well as with othr people in my orbit) they will know that this is exactly the sort of non-responsibility-answer that is pretty typical of people with substance abuse issues. And so, as people have said above, it's concerning. Because alcohol abuse isn't just something that you do (or which happens to you) it affects everyone around you and people who care about you. And so it's the reason why part of doing the AA steps is managing how your drinking affected other people, sort of a wake up call.

Quitting drinking, or drugs, or any addictive behavior is really really hard. So good on you for what you've managed so far. That said, I think you may be taking some of the stress of being clean and are taking it out on the bad feelings you're generally having interacting with your folks and not getting to a place where you can own more of it and where you can see where they're coming from also.

So maybe you can make some deals with them. It's reasonable for you to say "Hey will you stop telling me I am an alcoholic if we can agree that I had substance abuse issues?" It's reasonable for you to say "I will go to some meetings" and not necessarily promise to do the steps and/or get a sponsor or whatever. But it's important to have a plan. And important to have agency in whatever that plan is.

It's pretty simple to take the bad feelings you're having and put them on the people closest to you. This is how people who have substance abuse issues often behave. It's normal and while not optimal, it's okay. But if you want to get out from under this lifestyle generally (as it sounds like you do, not taking up with the same old friends etc) then you may need to look at more behaviors than just not-drinking. Taking care of yourself at this point, this fragile point, may mean making some compromises for now so that you are less compromised later. Best of luck. It's hard but it's worth it.
posted by jessamyn at 8:33 PM on July 22, 2019 [3 favorites]