Who can I tell about my secret relationship, just to get it out?

July 20, 2019 2:15 AM

When I was very young (but an adult) I developed a relationship with someone. It was not romantic, but not platonic, either. We were very close. This lasted about 6 year and then became just a friendship, but one that I was deeply ambivalent about for reasons. The relationship changed me in many ways and has had great impact on my life. We spoke for the last time a few years ago. We didn't have a fight or anything. It was more of a petering out. I am in my mid-forties. I think about them every day. I want to stop. No one in my life knows about them or has ever known about them. I think telling someone the whole story would help. Who can I tell?

I do not want to post the story online because I wouldn't want them to recognize it if somehow they saw it. I feel like it would take several hours to tell and I might be very emotional at times. I've never told anyone about any of this and I think that just getting it out would give me some sort of closure-like feeling. This is not about not being over them. I am not sorry the relationship ended.

I think I would like to meet someone in person for several hours all at once, tell them the whole thing and then just never see them again. I want to talk, not type. How can I make that happen?

Note that I am in therapy and do not want to go into this with my therapist. Also, I feel wronged in some ways but there was no abuse and I also made mistakes.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (13 answers total)

If no one in your life knows about them, could you choose one of your closest friends and unburden yourself just to get it all out there? If not, maybe try Rent-A-Friend or go to a life coach.

If the talking part is more important than the human connection part, you can always go whisper it into a stone a la In the Mood For Love, or tell the whole story to a cat/dog/horse/baby.
posted by storytam at 2:23 AM on July 20, 2019 [1 favorite]

A therapist is the perfect person in this case.
posted by mightshould at 2:32 AM on July 20, 2019 [27 favorites]

It might be helpful to discuss with your therapist both the desire to tell the story, and why it would be hard or even impossible to tell them the story. Unpacking that part of it could be beneficial.

Otherwise, would you feel that writing it out would help?
posted by JJZByBffqU at 2:41 AM on July 20, 2019 [8 favorites]

A therapist seems like the ideal option - maybe you can find another therapist who is unaffiliated with your current therapist and ask about arranging an extra long one-time-only session.
posted by duoshao at 4:08 AM on July 20, 2019 [8 favorites]

Would you be as happy to talk on the phone/by Skype as meet in person? Please feel free to memail me.
posted by billiebee at 4:19 AM on July 20, 2019 [8 favorites]

I had a similar relationship as a young person - intense, not totally platonic, not quite romantic, mostly secret, very impactful on my sense of self, ended with a whimper rather than a bang. I am also in my early 40s now. I didn’t have anyone to talk to and never really found anyone to talk to. What I did do was a CBT-like (I wasn’t aware of CBT at the time) mental campaign to expunge thoughts of him from my mind. Every time he came up in my thoughts, I noticed that I was thinking about him and redirected to thinking about something, anything else (books, movies, dinner, that thing on NPR, etc.). I didn’t get mad at myself for having the thoughts. I just consistently redirected them. At first I was redirecting A LOT, like all the time. But over time, less and less. I don’t think about him now unless I see his name or I talk about that time in my life.

In my experience, a lot of the value of being able to talk through something like this with someone else is not just in saying it, but in being seen and heard and validated and retaining your relationship with the person you told as a result. It’s not just the telling, but the acceptance and affirmation of the other person that helps. So I’m not sure if telling a random stranger you never see again will actually feel satisfying. I have also found for a lot of things (this relationship, a phobia of flying I worked through, anxiety manifesting in a specific physical symptom) that trying to find emotionally satisfying closure can get in the way of the not initially emotionally satisfying but effective work that will actually resolve the issue.
posted by jeoc at 4:46 AM on July 20, 2019 [19 favorites]

I'm also willing to meet up if our paths cross or even just talk on Skype. I like listening to other people's stories. I have my own "can't really tell anyone" type romance so...I get it!
posted by wooh at 5:42 AM on July 20, 2019 [5 favorites]

This seems like a good candidate for short term therapy.

I hope in time you will choose to talk to your long term therapist about this. An experience that "changed me in many ways and has had great impact on my life" won’t fade away on a single retelling. Sooner or later you’re going to have to integrate it with the rest of your story.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:52 AM on July 20, 2019 [1 favorite]

Get a pro, it might crush you to realise friends or family don't believe you, or care. Pay someone to care in an effective way.

If it were a religious leader or family member, I can guarantee you pro care is better. You are still protecting this person, and your version of the relationship, that made it survivable, with your dignity intact, and sense of rightness. My take is, the other was an excellent manipulator. Now it is safely behind you, you can process what really happened to you.
posted by Oyéah at 8:36 AM on July 20, 2019 [4 favorites]

I’m available to speak. I love listening to people talk.
posted by AlexandriaParis at 8:49 AM on July 20, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'd really think carefully about what you want from the listener -- do you want someone who will passively listen to your story, or someone who may interject, ask further questions? Do you want someone who will offer comfort or support? Do you want someone who will feel angry on your behalf, or someone who will be neutral? Whatever it is, make sure that's clear.

The second thing to think about is what you want to accomplish by getting this story out, and how you will prepare for the possibility that talking about it stirs up negative emotions and does not actually give you any closure. How will you soothe or comfort yourself in the aftermath of this event? Is there any possibility that you will want to continue to talk about this after the initial act?

Were it me, I don't think I'd want to go to a friend or family member, nor an anonymous internet stranger for this. I've heard that "single session therapy" is a thing but have no idea if it'd work for this purpose (depends a lot on the above questions) but it's something you could look into.

Best of luck to you.
posted by sm1tten at 9:18 AM on July 20, 2019 [5 favorites]

I have written and rewritten an answer to you many times. But knowing the internet is big and boundless, I can't write what I want. So I'm just going to say: talk to your therapist, they are there to help you through difficult times. You can't do anything wrong by them, and life is not a competition. If you want to know what I didn't want to write on the web, memail me.
posted by mumimor at 1:11 PM on July 20, 2019 [4 favorites]

To me, this is what writing is for.
posted by InkaLomax at 5:31 PM on July 20, 2019