Should I stop developing crushes?
July 19, 2019 8:26 AM Subscribe
Should I stop developing crushes? If so, how?
This was me. I got the new job. Though things with my crush are not perfect they are approximately 1000% better now I don't have to see them every day. Seems good! The only little issue is that I think I am developing a new crush, what I expect will be a much more manageable one, but I still feel ridiculous about it. I guess I have a lifelong habit of developing these crushes, though never to such an upsetting degree as the one I asked the question about. (Well, not since I was thirteen, anyway.)
Sorry if this question is too chatfiltery but: Is it bad to keep developing crushes on people (assuming you don't act on them inappropriately)? Are there effective ways to stop? I feel kind of sad that I'm apparently incapable of parsing a social situation without manufacturing some sort of crush for it. I worry that this habit makes me miss out on connections with people who aren't my crush. Most of the other new people I have met are way cooler than my new crush and we probably have way more in common but I've caught myself orienting my attention crushward anyway. Ugh.
This was me. I got the new job. Though things with my crush are not perfect they are approximately 1000% better now I don't have to see them every day. Seems good! The only little issue is that I think I am developing a new crush, what I expect will be a much more manageable one, but I still feel ridiculous about it. I guess I have a lifelong habit of developing these crushes, though never to such an upsetting degree as the one I asked the question about. (Well, not since I was thirteen, anyway.)
Sorry if this question is too chatfiltery but: Is it bad to keep developing crushes on people (assuming you don't act on them inappropriately)? Are there effective ways to stop? I feel kind of sad that I'm apparently incapable of parsing a social situation without manufacturing some sort of crush for it. I worry that this habit makes me miss out on connections with people who aren't my crush. Most of the other new people I have met are way cooler than my new crush and we probably have way more in common but I've caught myself orienting my attention crushward anyway. Ugh.
Having had friends who are big crushers, it doesn't look like an actually pleasant or useful way to live. It seems like it's a lot of energy invested in feeling anxious/excited for things that won't happen and angry or angsty over imagined slights or disappointments. And I think you're right: you miss out on connections and you create weird dynamics (when these are real life people) with other people around that person.
But I don't think it's a thing you "stop doing" so much as you need to figure out what purpose that behavior is serving in your life. Something I think is interesting about crushes is that they reveal to us the stories we tell ourselves, and they often tell a story about the people we wish we were instead of who we are. The crushee is often a screen onto which we project alternate lives or personalities for ourselves. It's not really about them, except maybe in some cases where they are high-charisma or wildly interesting, but even then it's still really about ourselves wanting to be the kind of person who gets to be in that orbit.
Where I think crushes get really bad for you is when you construct a detailed imaginary life in your mind where you spend a lot of your time instead of...you know, going and actually doing things. If you're going to do that much character development in your head, maybe turn those people into novel or screenplay characters, or go do the things the imaginary you is doing, whether that's painting or going to grad school or learning a ton about local native plants. Invest some of that energy into yourself instead of someone else.
I stopped having those kinds of crushes when I started diverting that energy into actual friendships, professional relationships, and myself - personal and professional development, hobbies and interests.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:54 AM on July 19, 2019 [17 favorites]
But I don't think it's a thing you "stop doing" so much as you need to figure out what purpose that behavior is serving in your life. Something I think is interesting about crushes is that they reveal to us the stories we tell ourselves, and they often tell a story about the people we wish we were instead of who we are. The crushee is often a screen onto which we project alternate lives or personalities for ourselves. It's not really about them, except maybe in some cases where they are high-charisma or wildly interesting, but even then it's still really about ourselves wanting to be the kind of person who gets to be in that orbit.
Where I think crushes get really bad for you is when you construct a detailed imaginary life in your mind where you spend a lot of your time instead of...you know, going and actually doing things. If you're going to do that much character development in your head, maybe turn those people into novel or screenplay characters, or go do the things the imaginary you is doing, whether that's painting or going to grad school or learning a ton about local native plants. Invest some of that energy into yourself instead of someone else.
I stopped having those kinds of crushes when I started diverting that energy into actual friendships, professional relationships, and myself - personal and professional development, hobbies and interests.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:54 AM on July 19, 2019 [17 favorites]
I wanted to add, as someone who isn't a serial crush haver but who crushes HARD when she does (like now - hoo boy), like everything it can have positive and negative impacts on your life.
Yes, my crush is anxiety-inducing; but also, it's really enjoyable and has spurred me on to develop the relationship with the crushee, and, through that person, develop relationships with a whole host of new people. It's also led me to re-examine what attracts me to people, as well as what qualities I admire in my crush and how I can try to adopt them to better become the kind of person I clearly admire.
So your answer to the 'should you stop' aspect of your question would really depend on what that crush is doing for you with the understanding that it might have both negative and positive aspects. As to 'how' - search me, I have absolutely no idea.
posted by unicorn chaser at 9:30 AM on July 19, 2019 [3 favorites]
Yes, my crush is anxiety-inducing; but also, it's really enjoyable and has spurred me on to develop the relationship with the crushee, and, through that person, develop relationships with a whole host of new people. It's also led me to re-examine what attracts me to people, as well as what qualities I admire in my crush and how I can try to adopt them to better become the kind of person I clearly admire.
So your answer to the 'should you stop' aspect of your question would really depend on what that crush is doing for you with the understanding that it might have both negative and positive aspects. As to 'how' - search me, I have absolutely no idea.
posted by unicorn chaser at 9:30 AM on July 19, 2019 [3 favorites]
I don't think there's anything wrong with having crushes in general, but what you are describing seems to me to be either causing, or coming close to causing, or threatening to cause, problems in key areas of your life such as your employment and your primary relationship. So to me whenever someone asks me "should I stop doing this thing that is threatening my job and a relationship I value," then in most circumstances my answer is yes, you at least need to do an honest evaluation here. Sometimes you can't have it all and have to make some tough choices, which might be a change in personal behavior. Which can always be an opportunity to grow and develop in your journey through life.
I think that one of the things to think about is to do a little mindfulness inventory. Is the dynamic of the crush substituting for a need that might be more healthily met in another way? For example, someone who derives a lot of their self-esteem from the flirtation, attention, thrill, etc., might be better served in the long run in terms of the trajectory of their own life by detaching their self-worth from others' attention. That is, if your internalized self-worth is low and you derive most of your positive feelings from external sources then these crush situations are almost irresistible, and it would be better to learn to validate your own self-worth for yourself. The thing is, when someone learns to place more of their own self-worth internally versus needing external validation, then they are likely to be happier and feel more control over their own decisions.
I am not assuming the above about self-esteem is accurate to you, however for me personally it turned out to play a huge role in my 'crush' behavior. Working on it internally was a powerful force of positive growth for me that had good impacts across different areas of my life.
Have you done reading and thinking about the concept of limerence?
posted by ramble-on-prose at 9:54 AM on July 19, 2019 [4 favorites]
I think that one of the things to think about is to do a little mindfulness inventory. Is the dynamic of the crush substituting for a need that might be more healthily met in another way? For example, someone who derives a lot of their self-esteem from the flirtation, attention, thrill, etc., might be better served in the long run in terms of the trajectory of their own life by detaching their self-worth from others' attention. That is, if your internalized self-worth is low and you derive most of your positive feelings from external sources then these crush situations are almost irresistible, and it would be better to learn to validate your own self-worth for yourself. The thing is, when someone learns to place more of their own self-worth internally versus needing external validation, then they are likely to be happier and feel more control over their own decisions.
I am not assuming the above about self-esteem is accurate to you, however for me personally it turned out to play a huge role in my 'crush' behavior. Working on it internally was a powerful force of positive growth for me that had good impacts across different areas of my life.
Have you done reading and thinking about the concept of limerence?
posted by ramble-on-prose at 9:54 AM on July 19, 2019 [4 favorites]
I think crushes have to do with orphaned feelings. The feelings are active joy we own, but do not have an independent ability to experience. Maybe we were alone kids or our hope for joy was not centered in immediate family for many possible reasons, including ancient DNA that rightly causes us to look for mates outside our families. The random positive reward is the most powerful behavior tool, so getting out of a crush has little reward unless you have the ability to have real, positive relations. The easiest way is to sense the onset, and eliminate the reward. This means not setting up the neurochemical chain of rewards. You have to tell the feeling you don't want it, that it is invasive of another's energy space, because there is no consent.
Figure out who it was early on in your life, before words, that you pinned these hopes on. Honor them, even if they are gone, or make an altar to love, in general, and offer flowers, and allow yourself to feel those feelings of wonder and connection, for your own sustainence. Attach them to an activity, or to the vistas of this planet, so you can always know fervent joy.
posted by Oyéah at 9:58 AM on July 19, 2019 [3 favorites]
Figure out who it was early on in your life, before words, that you pinned these hopes on. Honor them, even if they are gone, or make an altar to love, in general, and offer flowers, and allow yourself to feel those feelings of wonder and connection, for your own sustainence. Attach them to an activity, or to the vistas of this planet, so you can always know fervent joy.
posted by Oyéah at 9:58 AM on July 19, 2019 [3 favorites]
This may be no help at all, but I was a person who constantly had crushes. The first I remember was when I was about 7 and I had a massive crush on a neighbourhood kid. During school, as I grew up, in relationships and when single, on colleagues and celebrities, there was always at least one crush on the go. I just assumed it was part of my makeup, just an inherent thing (and yes it caused problems at times and took up time and emotional space and wasn’t always appropriate, and caused a lot of guilt). And then I met someone and had a massive crush on him...and got married to him. And I can honestly say that from the minute I met him I’ve never had a single thought about anyone else. It’s been over 7 years since I met him, literally my longest crush-free streak since birth. So I think now I was looking for something, and the crushes were a kind of “Is it you? Is it you?...” and once that something was found I didn’t need to crush on anyone else anymore. All I’m saying is, maybe you’re looking for something. Maybe try and figure out what that is, look at your crushes like clues in a mystery. As long as you’re aware of and managing your behaviour and all that, maybe just be curious about what they mean to you or what they’re telling you rather than thinking they’re a flaw to get rid of.
posted by billiebee at 10:48 AM on July 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by billiebee at 10:48 AM on July 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
I am a heart feels crusher. A lifetime of this kind of thing.
Recently I set some very specific life boundaries about 6 weeks ago that completely rewrote my entire life and I am finding on the backside of these changes I'm not developing crushes but meaningful friendships.
Details:
1. I told my life partner that I am solo poly and that our relationship needed to support that
2. I told my partner I needed my own space and I moved into my own apartment
3. I left a toxic as fuck workplace
4. I started seeing a trauma counselor to help me deal with some childhood abuse that I'm not comfortable disclosing here (for y'alls safety AND my own)
5. I started owning my own shit and asking for emotional labor from other folks instead of just assuming that my emotions are welcome
6. I make plans with people in advance and I keep my plans
7. I gave myself permission to fall in love with whoever I want
8. I got serious about fixing some very specific issues with my vag and decided to put off the idea of casual sex until those body issues are resolved
What I found after laying down all the "rules of the road" was that I have complete freedom and permission to pursue whoever I want, but I also gained a shitload of self respect, which in turn completely eliminated spurious crushes because all that energy now goes into maintaining friendships and relationships that are actually capable of developing into more intimate relationships at any time. I find myself now taking way more care than I ever did before.
posted by nikaspark at 1:25 PM on July 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
Recently I set some very specific life boundaries about 6 weeks ago that completely rewrote my entire life and I am finding on the backside of these changes I'm not developing crushes but meaningful friendships.
Details:
1. I told my life partner that I am solo poly and that our relationship needed to support that
2. I told my partner I needed my own space and I moved into my own apartment
3. I left a toxic as fuck workplace
4. I started seeing a trauma counselor to help me deal with some childhood abuse that I'm not comfortable disclosing here (for y'alls safety AND my own)
5. I started owning my own shit and asking for emotional labor from other folks instead of just assuming that my emotions are welcome
6. I make plans with people in advance and I keep my plans
7. I gave myself permission to fall in love with whoever I want
8. I got serious about fixing some very specific issues with my vag and decided to put off the idea of casual sex until those body issues are resolved
What I found after laying down all the "rules of the road" was that I have complete freedom and permission to pursue whoever I want, but I also gained a shitload of self respect, which in turn completely eliminated spurious crushes because all that energy now goes into maintaining friendships and relationships that are actually capable of developing into more intimate relationships at any time. I find myself now taking way more care than I ever did before.
posted by nikaspark at 1:25 PM on July 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
In your other question, you mentioned that you are having some problems with your partner because they’re not as available to you as you would like. Has that situation resolved and you are still crushing on a new person? You indicated that might be a longer term issue with your partner: is that situation still stressful and unresolved? Are you using these crushes as a distraction from and avoidance of a bigger issue in your life, especially a problem with your partner?
Crushes can be harmless and energizing. But you just had one so bad you couldn’t resolve it until you found another job. And it sounds like this crush is keeping you, possibly, from developing other relationships in your new workplace. So these crushes are creating some harm for you.
If what’s really going on is that you are experiencing unmet needs in your intimate relationship and you aren’t working to resolve that one way or another, then these crushes are maybe not super healthy. But I don’t think you will be able to stop until you address the underlying issue of dissatisfaction in your primary relationship. I don’t mean you have to break up. But it seems like maybe you’re crushing to distract yourself from some other hurt. That’s a short term solution only. It might be helpful to figure out your unmet needs and how you might get them met.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:12 PM on July 19, 2019
Crushes can be harmless and energizing. But you just had one so bad you couldn’t resolve it until you found another job. And it sounds like this crush is keeping you, possibly, from developing other relationships in your new workplace. So these crushes are creating some harm for you.
If what’s really going on is that you are experiencing unmet needs in your intimate relationship and you aren’t working to resolve that one way or another, then these crushes are maybe not super healthy. But I don’t think you will be able to stop until you address the underlying issue of dissatisfaction in your primary relationship. I don’t mean you have to break up. But it seems like maybe you’re crushing to distract yourself from some other hurt. That’s a short term solution only. It might be helpful to figure out your unmet needs and how you might get them met.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:12 PM on July 19, 2019
I like having crushes when I'm single and dislike them when I'm in a monogamous relationship. I've had some silly crushes but very rarely have they ever been negative. Crushes are fine unless they disrupt your life or happiness. The fact that you're asking this question tells me they have become a problem for you. That's OK but surely a sign of something deeper, perhaps anxiety in the form of intrusive thoughts. We can give you suggestions but the best tips for you would come from a therapist or psychiatrist.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:36 PM on July 19, 2019
posted by smorgasbord at 7:36 PM on July 19, 2019
I'm more likely to have distracting crushes if I'm lonely or bored. If either of those apply to you, addressing them might help... making new friends, throwing yourself into a new hobby, etc.
posted by metasarah at 6:31 AM on July 26, 2019
posted by metasarah at 6:31 AM on July 26, 2019
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I have friends who seem to really enjoy the experience of having crushes that they know aren't going to go anywhere, including what looks from the outside like a slight frisson even from the inevitable slightly embarrassing interaction moments with their crush objects. They don't seem to get hurt by these crushes and they do derive pleasure out of them, and they also tend to try hard to make sure it doesn't get weird with the other person.
I see this as a fairly harmless hobby, so if the above is true for you then why not carry on having crushes? But if you're getting hurt or someone else is getting hurt or it's making things intolerably socially awkward for either party or those around you then taking a break is probably a good idea.
posted by terretu at 8:41 AM on July 19, 2019 [1 favorite]