So everybody hurt everybody
July 16, 2019 12:58 PM Subscribe
I was in a situation where multiple people, including me, mutually did unintentional harm to everyone else, to varying degrees. It was, in some sense, all out of ignorance. No one meant to hurt anybody, I guess. But, I'm furious, like, take-it-to-my-grave furious.
I want to convey gravity without melodrama: no one died, but some people's lives were significantly affected (finances, relationships). Real stuff.
I'm wondering if there are good books, parables, meditations on forgiveness, forbearance, patience, charity, walking-in-each-other's shoes, restoration, reparations... just ways to navigate such a shitstorm, when I want to run screaming, but I also want something better to happen. The entanglements are such that I can't just walk away (family-ish).
I want to convey gravity without melodrama: no one died, but some people's lives were significantly affected (finances, relationships). Real stuff.
I'm wondering if there are good books, parables, meditations on forgiveness, forbearance, patience, charity, walking-in-each-other's shoes, restoration, reparations... just ways to navigate such a shitstorm, when I want to run screaming, but I also want something better to happen. The entanglements are such that I can't just walk away (family-ish).
Best answer: Broken record wellred here to again recommend Emotional Agility, low woo, high your feelings are totally human and normal and you get to have them.
posted by wellred at 1:05 PM on July 16, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by wellred at 1:05 PM on July 16, 2019 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: specific answers
(To emphasize/clarify, for this question, I am looking for general answers, including things like "books, parables, meditations on forgiveness, forbearance, patience, charity, walking-in-each-other's shoes, restoration, reparations..." Religious is ok if it's written densely at least clearly...)
posted by zeek321 at 1:10 PM on July 16, 2019
(To emphasize/clarify, for this question, I am looking for general answers, including things like "books, parables, meditations on forgiveness, forbearance, patience, charity, walking-in-each-other's shoes, restoration, reparations..." Religious is ok if it's written densely at least clearly...)
posted by zeek321 at 1:10 PM on July 16, 2019
Best answer: 1) space heals some wounds
physically and virtually step away from these people, at least for a little while. sign out of or mute shared Discord channels or Facebook groups or whatever. make yourself "away" or "invisible" on things like Skype, to discourage idle chatter. set up email filters. visit a different brunch place in a different neighborhood. possibly vacation to somewhere else. walk, bike, or drive more.
2) explain to a disinterested expert
talk to someone who doesn't know any of these people - ideally a mental health professional or member of the clergy.
3) explain to yourself, if you feel like you're full of words or feelings and need to do something with them.
use a journal or IM yourself stuff or whatever.
4) pursue peace, not rugsweeping.
MLK, Jr and Abraham Heschel have both, iirc, talked about the kind of peace that is the presence of justice, not the absence of tension or conflict. A few spaces for coping with really bad relationship dynamics have described attempts to bury or prematurely eliminate tension as "rugsweeping" or pretending things are okay. A number of Reform or otherwise left-ish Jewish religious authorities IME have endorsed going no-contact or much-lower-contact with people if one is incapable of interacting with them peacefully in this sense.
posted by bagel at 1:25 PM on July 16, 2019 [9 favorites]
physically and virtually step away from these people, at least for a little while. sign out of or mute shared Discord channels or Facebook groups or whatever. make yourself "away" or "invisible" on things like Skype, to discourage idle chatter. set up email filters. visit a different brunch place in a different neighborhood. possibly vacation to somewhere else. walk, bike, or drive more.
2) explain to a disinterested expert
talk to someone who doesn't know any of these people - ideally a mental health professional or member of the clergy.
3) explain to yourself, if you feel like you're full of words or feelings and need to do something with them.
use a journal or IM yourself stuff or whatever.
4) pursue peace, not rugsweeping.
MLK, Jr and Abraham Heschel have both, iirc, talked about the kind of peace that is the presence of justice, not the absence of tension or conflict. A few spaces for coping with really bad relationship dynamics have described attempts to bury or prematurely eliminate tension as "rugsweeping" or pretending things are okay. A number of Reform or otherwise left-ish Jewish religious authorities IME have endorsed going no-contact or much-lower-contact with people if one is incapable of interacting with them peacefully in this sense.
posted by bagel at 1:25 PM on July 16, 2019 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I'm reading right now a book by the Zen teacher Norman Fischer called The World Could Be Otherwise (great title), about a set of "virtues" which are known as the paramis. I was just reading about forgiveness and screwing up, about how we all make mistakes and that all we can do is learn from them and vow to do better but that getting bogged down in shame and guilt is useless. Though of course we will. Four of the paramis he discusses are generosity, ethical conduct, patience, and understanding -- all of which sound like they might have bearing on your situation. He writes with a wonderful lightness and warmth about how hard it is to be a human being.
There's also a book by Robert Karen on forgiveness that I read years ago, though I have to admit I don't remember it well.
posted by swheatie at 1:32 PM on July 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
There's also a book by Robert Karen on forgiveness that I read years ago, though I have to admit I don't remember it well.
posted by swheatie at 1:32 PM on July 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You might look at True Refuge by Tara Brach, a Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist. The focus is on cultivating happiness amid conflict and hurt. There are some guided meditations and reflections scattered throughout the book. If you're specifically having trouble accepting your own flaws, Brach's Radical Acceptance might be more on point.
posted by Nerdy Spice at 1:40 PM on July 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Nerdy Spice at 1:40 PM on July 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
Best answer: The single best book I have read on the subject of forgiveness is Simon Wiesenthal's The Sunflower. That is, the first part is by Wiesenthal: it's an account of something that happened to him in a concentration camp, when a dying Nazi soldier wanted to make a "final confession" to one of the camp inmates and Wiesenthal was the one randomly selected. The soldier asked Wiesenthal to forgive him, and Wiesenthal was unsure how to respond, and haunted by the encounter. He ends his essay by asking the reader "what would you have done?"
The rest of the book is a collection of essays by a variety of world leaders and religious leaders, responding to his question.
It's an analysis of forgiveness from a variety of perspectives and schools of thought.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:09 PM on July 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
The rest of the book is a collection of essays by a variety of world leaders and religious leaders, responding to his question.
It's an analysis of forgiveness from a variety of perspectives and schools of thought.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:09 PM on July 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
I recommend the YouTube channel called “School of Life” - they have a variety of videos that offer good perspectives for issues that you might be describing. Here’s a link to their playlist on Human Relationships - take a scroll through and see if anything covers what you’re feeling/going through. Best of luck, things will get better.
School of Life
posted by Squee at 2:27 PM on July 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
School of Life
posted by Squee at 2:27 PM on July 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
I want to convey gravity without melodrama: no one died, but some people's lives were significantly affected (finances, relationships).
Apologies if this is not what you are looking for. In my experience, feeling unheard, misunderstood, ignored, neglected, etc. contributes greatly to a sense of anger. I used to simply not tell people how I felt if I thought it would make no difference. Now I understand that sharing my story with someone, even if that person does not agree with my perspective, makes me feel better. The act of speaking up for myself is the magic action that helps me feel better about myself and often about the other party.
This does not involve yelling at anyone. It is just me meeting up with whomever and saying something like:
"I was deeply disappointed/angry/saddened after X, Y, and/or Z happened. I understand that you/they (had good intentions, meant no harm, didn't anticipate hurting me, whatever). That said, I really wish you/they had done/said (other thing or things) instead. I know we cannot go back in time; sharing this simply helps me. Thank you for listening. I am happy to hear any responses you may have, but you are not obligated to have any. I care about you/them, and I know we will get through this."
If I know I did something wrong as well, I cop to it and apologize. When I am being thoughtful, I try to remember to ask the other person if there was anyway I contributed to the unhappy outcome or anything I could have done to help prevent it. Not in those words (it's late, and I am tired) but in situation-specific terms.
(Only, of course, if that is an appropriate thing to ask. I would never ask that if it were a co-dependent kind of question, like asking if there were any way I could have helped prevent one of my exes from getting drunk, say, because his sobriety is his responsibility only.)
posted by Bella Donna at 2:33 PM on July 16, 2019 [16 favorites]
Apologies if this is not what you are looking for. In my experience, feeling unheard, misunderstood, ignored, neglected, etc. contributes greatly to a sense of anger. I used to simply not tell people how I felt if I thought it would make no difference. Now I understand that sharing my story with someone, even if that person does not agree with my perspective, makes me feel better. The act of speaking up for myself is the magic action that helps me feel better about myself and often about the other party.
This does not involve yelling at anyone. It is just me meeting up with whomever and saying something like:
"I was deeply disappointed/angry/saddened after X, Y, and/or Z happened. I understand that you/they (had good intentions, meant no harm, didn't anticipate hurting me, whatever). That said, I really wish you/they had done/said (other thing or things) instead. I know we cannot go back in time; sharing this simply helps me. Thank you for listening. I am happy to hear any responses you may have, but you are not obligated to have any. I care about you/them, and I know we will get through this."
If I know I did something wrong as well, I cop to it and apologize. When I am being thoughtful, I try to remember to ask the other person if there was anyway I contributed to the unhappy outcome or anything I could have done to help prevent it. Not in those words (it's late, and I am tired) but in situation-specific terms.
(Only, of course, if that is an appropriate thing to ask. I would never ask that if it were a co-dependent kind of question, like asking if there were any way I could have helped prevent one of my exes from getting drunk, say, because his sobriety is his responsibility only.)
posted by Bella Donna at 2:33 PM on July 16, 2019 [16 favorites]
Hoʻoponopono is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness.
The main meditation is : "please forgive me, im sorry, thank you, I love you". The idea is to release feelings of guilt and recrimination, and to give and accept forgiveness.
There are a lot of online resources for this, both writing and videos. Here's one to get you started.
posted by ananci at 2:35 PM on July 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
The main meditation is : "please forgive me, im sorry, thank you, I love you". The idea is to release feelings of guilt and recrimination, and to give and accept forgiveness.
There are a lot of online resources for this, both writing and videos. Here's one to get you started.
posted by ananci at 2:35 PM on July 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
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posted by allkindsoftime at 1:02 PM on July 16, 2019 [7 favorites]