Am I Not Looking At People Enough?
July 6, 2019 10:06 AM   Subscribe

I've begun to worry lately that my habits regarding looking at people, especially those who I find attractive (which is definitely the better part of the people I know), are somewhat standoffish, rude maybe, almost certainly discouraging to anyone who might return my interest.

22 / Gadigal land

I'm often mildly criticised by my family for being unable to describe the people I've interacted with, not knowing their hair colour or style, eye colour, height, build etc except in the vaguest sense.

I think this is in some small part due to my constant concern that I will be seen as leering, or even if not seen as creepy, still uncomfortable at undesired attention or scrutiny at all.
I have a friend who used to ask me not to look directly at her while she was talking, because it would throw her off, and I worry about the same now even as I feel I should be giving speakers my undivided attention.

To clarify, the issue here is not that I'm being caught peeking at people's bulges. It's about looking over at people at all, seeing what their earrings are, what's the brand symbol on their jacket, have they ever broken their nose. I feel like I know what people look like from photos even when I know them in real life.

There's also a more specific habit that I'm worried about, and today was an exemplar. Someone came dressed very well, and I had a tendency to accidentally end up glancing towards them. To compensate, I made sure I was always looking around at everyone else and giving specific other people who im not interested in my focus instead so when they look over, they wouldn't catch me looking. This is fairly normal practice for me, although I worry that it's obvious. Sometimes they always seem to be looking and it's hard to not be seen looking in their direction, but I guess you're allowed to know where someone is in the room. Today, I couldn't tell you what colour or cut their top was, just that it looked good, so I'm not constantly failing and finding myself staring at them.

The general question of this is is this level of concern about eye discipline necessary and normal, because I find it exhausting but I don't want to hurt anyone, and maybe it gets easier.

I'm also more specifically concerned that if I'm waiting one day for someone to show interest in me, it's going to take an awful lot longer if I can't look at them, and triply so if this behaviour would be considered as giving off disinterested signals.

I'm just trying to be polite but I feel all at sea about what the standards are.
posted by Peter B-S to Human Relations (6 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
The general question of this is is this level of concern about eye discipline necessary and normal, because I find it exhausting but I don't want to hurt anyone, and maybe it gets easier.


No it is neither normal nor necessary. Your friend who asked you not to look at her was exceptional, and stated her exceptional need, which you respected. Just don't stare at women's breasts and you're fine.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:01 AM on July 6, 2019 [5 favorites]


In my experience, most people expect (and want) you to look at them when you're engaging in conversation. Your friend was a bit of an outlier and it sounds like you were responsive and considerate to her.

The expectations are a bit murkier when it comes to just being in a room with people. And it sounds to me like you've over-calibrated your worry about this. We're social creatures and we're curious about each other, so it's normal and okay to look at people, including what they're wearing. You can even smile if someone looks back at you and your eyes meet!

It sounds like you're very scared of ever causing someone discomfort. Unfortunately, that's an impossibly high standard and an unachievable goal. Because humans are all different and our needs and desires can shift and because communication is complex and subtle and often confusing, we all inevitably step on each other's toes from time to time. Unless you're doing something clearly predatory (like Darling Bri mentions), I think the best thing for you to do is relax and cut yourself some slack about this.

You might also, with your family (if that would feel comfortable for you) or trusted friends, make a game out of practicing this. Like practice looking at people and get explicit feedback from them about how it felt/how socially normal it seemed.
posted by overglow at 11:14 AM on July 6, 2019 [1 favorite]


In the US, and I think generally in European based cultures, it is customary for the person who is listening to be generally looking at the speaker - it signals interest - and the person talking to look towards and away as they talk. The article from a Research Digest in the UK has a nice summary of some of the research on why people do that. Some people have social anxiety that makes normal eye contact uncomfortable. I'm guessing your friend was in that category since her request to avoid eye contact with her, while may have been very appropriate for her, is not the norm.

In the situation where you are noticing other people in the room, feel comfortable looking at them long enough to take in what they look like and then look away. When I try this myself, I notice that usually this could be anywhere from 5 to 30 seconds - NOT suggesting you time yourself but just to give you an idea that this can be a long gaze, not a furtive dart. If the other person catches your eye, give them a natural smile and then look away. The smile signals that you see them as a person, not an object. Once you make eye contact, don't look straight at them for a while unless you want to signal interest, in which case do look again.

The difference between looking and staring is that looking takes in the whole person (especially the face since that creates possibility of eye contact = human connection). Staring fixedly, especially at sexualized parts fo the body (breasts and groins) is more likely to make people uncomfortable.
posted by metahawk at 11:46 AM on July 6, 2019 [3 favorites]


Something you may find reassuring is that there isn't actually a single right way of using your eyes in a roomful of people. Rather, there's a range of possibilities that will all be seen as normal and acceptable. It's true that if you stray too far outside the range, you will seem strange or possibly cause discomfort. But you still have space to make more eye contact that some people, and less eye contact than others, and still come across as ordinary and likable.

Keeping that in mind may help you stay calm about this. If your eyes linger on one person a second longer than is usual for you, or skip over another person a fraction of a second faster, that is not an emergency. You do not need to hide what you did, or go through a complicated routine to disguise it. You're still within the wide range of "normal."

"Normal" also sometimes includes things like accidentally making eye contact with someone you didn't intend to. That happens to everyone, and it does not mean you were doing anything wrong. You can politely look away and then go back to whatever you were doing. You don't need to disguise it, come up with an excuse, worry about what it will make them think, etc. If it happens a few times in a row and you happen to have a polite and complimentary excuse ("I love your scarf!") you might as well use it then — but if not, chalk it up as a slightly awkward experience, stop looking at them now, and don't worry too much.

I haven't seen how you behave. So I can't tell you for sure whether you're doing anything wrong or not. But hopefully, knowing you're trying to hit a wide target and not a single tiny mark will make it easier for you to gauge your own performance.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:56 PM on July 6, 2019 [2 favorites]


I notice you gave your location as Gadigal land - are you asking about what the rules are for looking/eye contact among Aboriginal people? Because these can be different than the norms for non-Aboriginal people.
posted by Murderbot at 8:24 PM on July 6, 2019


Response by poster: you gave your location as Gadigal land - are you asking about what the rules are for looking/eye contact among Aboriginal people?
Nah, it's just where I live. Thanks anyhow though.
posted by Peter B-S at 8:35 PM on July 6, 2019


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