Bring this dinosaur to 21st C re: exclusivity norms of app dating

July 6, 2019 8:52 AM

I'm a queer woman in my mid-30s. I'm re-entering the world of dating by way of apps like Bumble! I am confused about the expectations of (non-)exclusivity. Please help me navigate/understand!

I'm curious in a general way about:

1) Are there different connotations and expectations associated with each dating app? Like, are people more likely to expect physical intimacy if they met on Tinder, as opposed to Coffee and Bagel? How do I find this out?
2) What is the general norm regarding exclusivity when you meet on an app? What about when you did not meet on an app? Are the first couple of "dates" really more like "hey let's get to know each other"? I've googled and read everything I can find and it seems like people feel very different but all very strongly about this.

And all these questions came from the concrete situation:

I went on a lot of OkCupid first dates in my 20s, then after two relationships (one of which was long term and serious) that really broke my heart, I did not date and stayed happily single for about 3 years. I've tried HER and Tinder during this time, but couldn't get into the swiping thing, and didn't particularly want to be in a relationship.

I recently started dating again, sort of by accident-- I downloaded Bumble to meet friends on the BFF page, and took a look at the dating page and swiped right on the first profile I saw. Then I swiped a bit more and talked to some other people. Before I knew it, I was having a blast hanging out with Person X. I wasn't totally sure if it was a date, though, and after a second possibly-platonic hang, I agreed to meet up with Person Y, then the next day, at the end of a great third hang during which I became certain I had been friend-zoned, Person X initiated some very light physical stuff, so I was pleasantly surprised to realize this was perhaps more romantic than I thought. We did not make out.

I thought about it, and realized that: 1) I'm in that "don't know yet what I want" place. I'm open to the possibility of something more serious, but I'm also not actively searching for just that, and I don't only want casual dating. I do want to meet Person Y in person. 2) I don't want to have a whole explicit conversation with Person X and Y about this, as some of my friends have suggested. My read of the room is that such a conversation would be way too intense and ultimately I'd only be doing so to soothe my own anxiety. I myself would have been totally stressed out if someone had brought this up in this way so early in the game and I'd probably run away forever. 3) I do worry that not everyone is going to want the same thing I want and therefore not everyone is going to have some expectations, and I want to do what I can to minimize the chance of accidentally hurting someone's feeling. Not entirely in my control, but you know what I mean. This is especially the case since I am new at dating apps, and I am unclear about the norms or conventions that govern this kind of things.

So I'm turning to you, hive mind, for perspectives that'd help me decide what to do in an informed and thoughtful way. It's probably not going to be perfect, and I am probably overthinking out of newbie's anxiety, so you can also tell me to snap out of it if that seems best.

posted by atetrachordofthree to Human Relations (7 answers total)

Gay guy here, so I may have a different experience, but I think the entire app universe of experience is still so relatively new that there are no hard norms yet. For gay guys, all the apps have a presumption that's along the lines of, "hooking up is the baseline unless you explicitly say otherwise." You'll see a number of profiles that says, specifically, hookups are fine but a LTR is the goal. They're a minority, although a lot goes unspoken in this context. I think there's a pervasive anxiety in the system that stating needs like that (especially about monogamy) is a bit taboo, or at least an unpopular bit of text that might scare off potential dates.

It's a mad world out there, and these conventions are so intangible that I agree with your friends: if you're meeting a date in person, it's probably best for the sake of clarity if you hedge your interests, wants, and needs into those IRL conversations that start to happen once you meet. Maybe the earlier, the better. So, my nutshell recommendation for your specific questions: You don't need to say that you're dating other people unless the other person says that's a no go for them. I wouldn't feel pressure to say that you're dating other people unless you yourself get to the point that you'd like to go from dating others to being exclusive. But you can say, up front, that you don't know exactly what you're looking for, and you just want to go with the flow.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:25 AM on July 6, 2019 [1 favorite]

For context, I'm a mid 30s queer women who has dated on apps, primarily OKCupid and HER, though it's been a year or two since I've had the time or energy to go on new dates. Agreed that there are no hard norms here, and agreed that you should not have a serious conversation about this situation with either of these people (though not surprised that some queers think that's the way to go!). One strategy can be to lightly ask about the other person's experiences with the dating app itself, and then disclose your own. The drawback of this strategy is that it can seem more like a friend move than a flirty move, but it does get the facts on the table in a casual way, and it can be done in a flirtatious way, if you're good at that sort of thing. The other strategy is to put your cards on the table in the profile, so that you can be sure your date already knows what's going on (at least to the extent that you know what's going on!) before you meet.

I do think it would be pretty bizarre for anyone to expect exclusivity before making out, but I'm sure there are people who disagree. More to the point, there are ways to talk about these questions that aren't "a whole explicit conversation," but are a bit more casual and gradual. It's also worth noting that the are-we-friends-or-are-we-dating ambiguity has been a staple of lesbian existence since long before apps! You're not alone in struggling with these questions.
posted by dizziest at 10:07 AM on July 6, 2019 [3 favorites]

Bisexual woman who uses Bumble. Bumble assumes all of its users are heterosexual, or something. I know that If you search for women as a woman, it returns all women. There's a lot of straight nonsense to wade through to find the handful of other WSW.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 10:30 AM on July 6, 2019 [2 favorites]

Where do you live? I think the social norms around this definitely vary regionally. In Portland, Oregon, I think the default assumption in queer dating is that you're not exclusive until you explicitly talk about it.

I think you can try to lightly bring up the topic (like maybe even by joking about it) and also get that doing so can be a tricky maneuver to pull off. I think there's also a "direct but casual" approach, maybe saying something like, "The way I like to approach hanging out with cuties is to keep things chill and open in the early stages and not get all heavy and having a what are we doing conversation until it makes sense to do that. Let me know if that doesn't sound good to you or if you ever need to jump into more of processing mode."
posted by overglow at 11:22 AM on July 6, 2019 [1 favorite]

As a middleaged het woman who spent a year or so dating on OK Cupid and Tinder a couple of years back, the impression I got was that there weren't strong app-based norms: everyone was feeling out what everyone else thought the rules were. Even Tinder, which I was wary about at first because it seemed likely to be hookup-only-presumed, I still got the same sort of tentative feeling-out-what-we-both-think-the-process-is-here vibe.

I think your baseline assumption should be that everyone's puzzled, and there are no rules until you and the person you're engaged with come up with some.
posted by LizardBreath at 11:36 AM on July 6, 2019 [3 favorites]

What is the general norm regarding exclusivity when you meet on an app? What about when you did not meet on an app?

I am a queer woman in my 30s.
In the places I've lived/dated (Oakland/SF and Philadelphia), it seems like nearly everyone in my dating pool is poly--not in a "this relationship is open" sense but a "this is how I operate" sense. More so than I saw 5 years ago, I think.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:30 PM on July 6, 2019 [2 favorites]

My perspective as a mid-30s gay woman in SF/Oakland:

I tried using OKCupid, Tinder, and Her. I did not notice any big differences in norms or expectations between the different apps. There were some minor differences—Her was more likely to have picture-only profiles with no explanatory text at all, and OKCupid profiles were more actively political. Tinder's reputation as being hookup-oriented seems to be at least 5 years out of date.

Regarding exclusivity, my personal opinion is that these apps are primarily just tools for meeting new people you would not otherwise encounter. When meeting any new person regardless of venue it would usually be premature to discuss exclusivity until you had been on a few to several dates together. You don't need to feel awkward about meeting up with Person Y or about holding off on a big conversation with Person X. Basically, I assume everyone on the apps is dating casually and non-exclusively until they say otherwise.

If you know you're looking for a particular kind of relationship—or know you're unsure about what kind of relationship you want to pursue—it's not a bad idea to be up front about that with people. Otherwise, I think everyone is mostly working it out as they go.
posted by 4rtemis at 9:56 AM on July 7, 2019 [1 favorite]