Helping my toddler while I'm on a business trip
June 28, 2019 10:00 AM Subscribe
I work full-time. My son is 2.5 years old. Occasionally (3-4 times a year) I travel for work, usually for 2-4 nights. Looking for (a) recommendations for books for kids whose parents (especially moms) are traveling, and (b) your other great tips for smoothing this over!
Recently, when I tell my son that I have to be out for the evening or leave for work before he wakes up, he has told me very gravely, "Don't go on a trip, Mama." (Resulting in tears--mine, not his.) I have a trip coming up in a couple of weeks so I want to start preparing.
He does really well with processing things through reading, so I'd love to find some age-appropriate books about this. In all cases, my husband/his dad is with him, so this is about missing mom, not being with unfamiliar caregivers.
I'm also looking for ways to maybe make things a little special for him while I'm away--maybe a little gift he can unwrap every day? We do FaceTime and I make and send videos.
What has worked for you?
Recently, when I tell my son that I have to be out for the evening or leave for work before he wakes up, he has told me very gravely, "Don't go on a trip, Mama." (Resulting in tears--mine, not his.) I have a trip coming up in a couple of weeks so I want to start preparing.
He does really well with processing things through reading, so I'd love to find some age-appropriate books about this. In all cases, my husband/his dad is with him, so this is about missing mom, not being with unfamiliar caregivers.
I'm also looking for ways to maybe make things a little special for him while I'm away--maybe a little gift he can unwrap every day? We do FaceTime and I make and send videos.
What has worked for you?
Ooh, When Mama Comes Home Tonight by Eileen Spinelli sounds like it would be perfect for you!
I would also recommend rituals. Children (and adults too!) take comfort in the familiar, so I would think through establishing soothing/bonding rituals that will work for your family - maybe reading the same book together before you leave and again when you return. Or maybe when he misses you when you're away, he and Dad can pause together, take a deep breath, and send you good wishes.
While surprises and gifts might be fun here and there, I would use this as an opportunity to practice instilling resilience. Instead of trying to minimize his feelings or distract him from the ache with toys, practice feeling authentically and working through those uncomfortable feelings! (this is such an important skill, and very rarely taught, especially to boys.) Hold space for him. Empathize and validate: When he says, "don't go" you say, "I know you feel sad when Mama has to go, and it's ok to be sad. Just remember that I love you even when I'm not right here. And remember whenever you feel sad, you can ____ insert soothing ritual____."
posted by snowleopard at 11:08 AM on June 28, 2019 [7 favorites]
I would also recommend rituals. Children (and adults too!) take comfort in the familiar, so I would think through establishing soothing/bonding rituals that will work for your family - maybe reading the same book together before you leave and again when you return. Or maybe when he misses you when you're away, he and Dad can pause together, take a deep breath, and send you good wishes.
While surprises and gifts might be fun here and there, I would use this as an opportunity to practice instilling resilience. Instead of trying to minimize his feelings or distract him from the ache with toys, practice feeling authentically and working through those uncomfortable feelings! (this is such an important skill, and very rarely taught, especially to boys.) Hold space for him. Empathize and validate: When he says, "don't go" you say, "I know you feel sad when Mama has to go, and it's ok to be sad. Just remember that I love you even when I'm not right here. And remember whenever you feel sad, you can ____ insert soothing ritual____."
posted by snowleopard at 11:08 AM on June 28, 2019 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I also travel a lot. I am currently on my fourth business trip of the year and I have several more coming up. I'm on day 6 of 6 of my current trip...can't wait to go home!
This book helped when my son was 2.5 and my daughter was four. They are now 4 and 6, and usually my traveling is not too hard on us anymore.
A couple of my routines:
- When I get in, I send them photos of my hotel room. They really like the details - the bed, the view out the window, the bathroom. This time my daughter asked to see what the floor looked like. Sometimes I send photos of food (I don't normally instagram my meals).
- When they were very little, it was easier for them not to see me. Video chats would just upset them. So my husband would send me photos, but I wouldn't get to talk to them. It was easier on him and them but harder on me. That's better now and we video chat about every other day.
- I bring them something edible on every trip. Something as simple as a bag of M&Ms. I don't buy souvenirs or toys, but a little treat that we can share.
- After long trips, I make a point to take a day off and spend it reconnecting. Earlier this year I met them at a water park hotel after a five day trip and we spent the day in the wave pool. That was the best.
- I don't talk about my trips until about one day before. Anticipation makes it tougher on them. I do make a little calendar grid so they can cross off the days until I get home. As they get older I will tell them earlier.
- usually on longer trips my in-laws will take the kids overnight (they feel sorry for my husband I think). That helps break it up for the kids a bit.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 11:09 AM on June 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
This book helped when my son was 2.5 and my daughter was four. They are now 4 and 6, and usually my traveling is not too hard on us anymore.
A couple of my routines:
- When I get in, I send them photos of my hotel room. They really like the details - the bed, the view out the window, the bathroom. This time my daughter asked to see what the floor looked like. Sometimes I send photos of food (I don't normally instagram my meals).
- When they were very little, it was easier for them not to see me. Video chats would just upset them. So my husband would send me photos, but I wouldn't get to talk to them. It was easier on him and them but harder on me. That's better now and we video chat about every other day.
- I bring them something edible on every trip. Something as simple as a bag of M&Ms. I don't buy souvenirs or toys, but a little treat that we can share.
- After long trips, I make a point to take a day off and spend it reconnecting. Earlier this year I met them at a water park hotel after a five day trip and we spent the day in the wave pool. That was the best.
- I don't talk about my trips until about one day before. Anticipation makes it tougher on them. I do make a little calendar grid so they can cross off the days until I get home. As they get older I will tell them earlier.
- usually on longer trips my in-laws will take the kids overnight (they feel sorry for my husband I think). That helps break it up for the kids a bit.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 11:09 AM on June 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
There is an episode of Daniel Tiger about the parents going out of town together and another specifically about a mom (though not mom tiger) going on a business trip. Both include "grown ups come back!" as a refrain.
posted by cessair at 12:36 PM on June 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by cessair at 12:36 PM on June 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
My wife traveled a lot. We liked https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Owl_Babies a lot. A very cute book even if mom isn’t traveling.
posted by creiszhanson at 1:08 PM on June 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by creiszhanson at 1:08 PM on June 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
We used ”When Mommy Travels”, about a mom on a business trip and the kids going through their routines with Dad while counting down the days until mom comes home. Maybe best for the 3-4 year old range, but our 2.5 year old liked it too.
posted by wyzewoman at 2:28 PM on June 28, 2019
posted by wyzewoman at 2:28 PM on June 28, 2019
I have a song we sing whenever missing dada comes up. (Ours is “we love you dada” to the tune of “we love you Conrad from bye bye birdie)
We also have a photobook of all dad and kid that we look at frequently.
It helps us to have a plan of how we will respond when kid asks about dada.
posted by CMcG at 4:27 PM on June 28, 2019
We also have a photobook of all dad and kid that we look at frequently.
It helps us to have a plan of how we will respond when kid asks about dada.
posted by CMcG at 4:27 PM on June 28, 2019
Best answer: I came in to recommend the book Mama Always Comes Home which I see Lawn Beaver linked to above. I actually really love it - it's one of my favorite books to read out loud because I like the way it rhymes and scans.
posted by insectosaurus at 6:35 PM on June 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by insectosaurus at 6:35 PM on June 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
In the past I have brought a toy with me- like a little truck or airplane or something- and then taken pictures of it in various places- the airport, the hotel room, out the plane window, etc. I put the pictures on a shared photo album (we are an all apple household so we use photo stream), so she can see the pictures easily.
posted by rockindata at 6:53 PM on June 28, 2019
posted by rockindata at 6:53 PM on June 28, 2019
Best answer: This was the book we always read before my mom left on a work trip. We would always take her to the airport and get m&m's from the vending machine. When we got back to the house, my mom would have left a "treasure hunt" on post-it notes all over the house that led to a message and prize - your toddle might be too young for this but you could leave something special like a stuffed animal holding your picture. Then when my mom came back she'd always bring us something small - I was a fan of different-shaped soaps. Having a routine made the whole process easier to understand.
posted by mai at 7:30 AM on June 29, 2019
posted by mai at 7:30 AM on June 29, 2019
Best answer: My wife did all her PhD field work while our first kid was that age. Apart from the "stories about Mom coming home" genre, two things helped a lot:
* Making a paper chain with one link for every day Mom's gone really helped the kiddo with the concept of "X days to go" -- at that age they have not such a great abstract concept of time but we could always count the links and see it getting shorter and had a little ritual at bedtime where we ripped off one link
* Using the cheapo CVS photo-book printing service to make a picture book with a little narration of "normal life" was super awesome. Photos grabbed off the phone plus clip art to make something with the story of "here's your family. Most days, you go to preschool. You have fun playing with Legos! Sometimes Mom goes on a trip. Here's a picture of Mom's airplane! Mom misses you when she's gone. Then she comes back! Everybody is happy to be back together" with a bunch of family photos. These books were the absolute #1 favorite mandatory bedtime reading whenever mom was away
posted by range at 10:23 AM on June 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
* Making a paper chain with one link for every day Mom's gone really helped the kiddo with the concept of "X days to go" -- at that age they have not such a great abstract concept of time but we could always count the links and see it getting shorter and had a little ritual at bedtime where we ripped off one link
* Using the cheapo CVS photo-book printing service to make a picture book with a little narration of "normal life" was super awesome. Photos grabbed off the phone plus clip art to make something with the story of "here's your family. Most days, you go to preschool. You have fun playing with Legos! Sometimes Mom goes on a trip. Here's a picture of Mom's airplane! Mom misses you when she's gone. Then she comes back! Everybody is happy to be back together" with a bunch of family photos. These books were the absolute #1 favorite mandatory bedtime reading whenever mom was away
posted by range at 10:23 AM on June 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I’ve been taking business trips once or twice a year since my daughter was 3½. When she was younger, this was a major change to her daily routine since I normally work from home and am available most of the time she is home. Some of the things that helped us, and might help you, are:
(By the way, my — no longer a toddler — daughter wrote up this answer for me to post.)
posted by mbrubeck at 7:04 PM on July 1, 2019
- Video calls: these are great because they allow us time to connect face to face. Plus, if I can give her something my spouse cannot (probably - we’re different people), it allows me to do so to some extent. (For example, Parent 1 is better at helping with homework, Parent 2 is better at telling stories, Parent 1 is better at getting kid to go to bed, Parent 2 is better at understanding what’s wrong, Parent 1 is funnier, etc., etc.)
- Notes: leaving little notes/drawings (maybe some of them with candy or a small toy) to be opened each day can also help a kid. Especially if all regular caregivers are gone, but that doesn’t seem to be your situation. My daughter got lots of Mentos, I don’t know why. She still finds them in her closet sometimes.
- If you’re in a significantly different time zone, try making side-by-side, hour-by-hour charts of your daily schedule and your son’s daily schedule, with what time it is written on each. For example, the side that’s you would say 7 a.m. and have a picture of you eating breakfast, and the corresponding side that’s your kid would say 2 a.m. and have a picture of your kid asleep. Doesn’t have to be particularly fancy, just has to convey the general “No, you can’t talk to CiaoMela right now, she’s asleep. [points to chart]”
- Lots of hugs from her other parent and from me before I leave. Fun activities and comfort food can also make it easier (on your spouse as well if the comfort food means less cooking).
- A note or video that you made can help comfort your son when he’s really missing you.
- I don’t recall that we checked off the days till I was home, but that might indeed help.
(By the way, my — no longer a toddler — daughter wrote up this answer for me to post.)
posted by mbrubeck at 7:04 PM on July 1, 2019
Response by poster: So many great answers, I marked specific book recommendations and things I hadn't thought of as best but really I could have marked all best. Thank you all so much!
posted by CiaoMela at 7:58 AM on July 2, 2019
posted by CiaoMela at 7:58 AM on July 2, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
It worked for the age you're at and then they get old enough to talk to about it more. We do okay - it helps that sometimes my work travel can double as a family trip, so my kid can envision where I am when I'm gone.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 11:06 AM on June 28, 2019