help me crush this

June 24, 2019 3:20 AM

Aaah! This is such a stupid question. But how do I focus on work when I am in the throes of a very bad crush?

I mean, I don't think the specifics of the crush are particularly problematic, so this isn't really a question about that; but I see the person every week at a post-work commitment that I can't change, and we are on the way to becoming friends. I'm getting to know them, and we'll see what the long-term outcome of this ends up being. Asking them out directly would mess with the dynamics of the thing that we see each other at. But you know... it's progressing.

The actual problem is, I feel like everything else in my life is black and white and the times I speak with this person are in colour. I apologise for the very over the top language, but it's the best way to describe how I feel.

I've ALWAYS struggled with work motivation - it's always been something I do because I have to, not because I want to; I am at heart an unproductive person who'd rather be reading than anything else and I get my satisfaction in life from extracurriculars. I've accepted that aspect of myself - we can't all be dynamos. But I've learned to plod along in work life and I'm actually valued for being creative and diligent.

But now my demotivation is much worse because I just feel like I'm counting the minutes till I see this person or checking my phone 1000 times to see if they've gotten in touch or liked one of my Instagram posts etc. It's really stupid and unproductive, and I feel like I should be too old for this, but clearly I am not. (38!) This isn't part of a pattern of distractions. This level of preoccupation is quite new to me.

I'm not looking for ways to resolve the crush, which I think will resolve, one way or the other, in its own time, but just looking for ways not to completely suck at work until that happens. Please be kind, I know I'm being RIDICULOUS.

posted by unicorn chaser to Work & Money (8 answers total)

One thing that stuck out for me is you checking your phone a lot to see if they have communicated with you. I also do this a LOT (with crushes, non-romantic internet friends, to see how a tweet is being received, whether anyone has replied to me AskMeFi question...) also as someone who struggles with work motivation, and I find it very helpful to leave my phone at home or in the car so I just can't do that constant checking thing.
posted by Balthamos at 4:13 AM on June 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Sounds like me; always assumed it had something to do with my adhd and my pathological need to procrastinate.

Having healthy, if brief, social contact with friends whose company I enjoy usually helps me get my mind off the dude in question.
posted by shaademaan at 4:18 AM on June 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

my usual solution to something like this is to find trusted confidant in or outside the workplace to help process my feelings.
posted by rebent at 7:45 AM on June 24, 2019

Practically, if I were you? I’d try to make the relationship move faster in hopes of “regularizing” your contacts with the other person. Ie, once you’re meeting every Monday-Wednesday-Friday for “lunch” at some modestly-priced hotel, you’ll be okay checking your messages 10 times a day versus 1000.

In Psych 101 terms, it’s converting a variable interval reinforcement schedule into more of a fixed interval reinforcement schedule. Sorta. I think.

I don’t want to make trouble, but I believe I know what you’re going through, and while it’s fun, it has always struck me as flirting with an addiction.
posted by doctor tough love at 9:03 AM on June 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

Do you need to have your phone on at work? If not, I would start by turning it off in work hours (and blocking problematic sites like IG online).
posted by pinochiette at 9:05 AM on June 24, 2019

Asking them out directly would mess with the dynamics of the thing that we see each other at.

This is true, but it's also your way out (or forward). Asking them out will resolve the crush one way or the other, and get you out of this maddening situation. There comes a point where returning to your normal brain is worth the cost of putting it out there.

Is there a way of 'not to completely such at work until that happens'? I've never been able to find it, myself. Pretending that they're awful people, or focusing on one unacceptable characteristic -- they never really work.

You have a Big Unresolved Question on your mind. Ask it, find out the answer, exhale.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:41 AM on June 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

Maybe kind of counterintuitively, I find it helps to set up my phone notifications so that a message or other interaction from Crush makes a big obvious noise. That way, during all of the moments during the day when I'm not getting interaction from Crush, I'm not feeling the need to check — if they'd texted me or whatever, I'd have heard it.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:44 PM on June 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

The actual problem is, I feel like everything else in my life is black and white and the times I speak with this person are in colour.

Keep reframing this in your mind as "what a fun problem to have!" Because crushes are, and can be, fun in this way!
posted by Dressed to Kill at 10:53 AM on June 25, 2019 [1 favorite]