Shall I forget him or keep the door open?
June 23, 2019 8:38 AM Subscribe
A guy I was dating ended our relationship because he has such anxiety about sex. I feel I've missed out on something amazing and am not sure if I should just forget him or message him and say - I hope you get the support you need, lets not completely close the door on this and if you work through your issues get in touch (or something along those lines)?
ted this guy for six weeks (he referred to me as his gf). He is 22 years older than me (I'm 33 and he is 55) and we seemed to have this amazing connection as if we can talk about anything. He instigated the relationship and the first kiss etc. My gut told me this was the right person for me (it is normally not wrong).
Emotionally we had a great connection but physically things did not get off to a good start. After a few weeks as we approached to the sexual part of our relationship he completely broke down and told me he couldn't do it, we haven't even tried and I've not even seen him naked. He also is due a prostate cancer check which he has been avoiding. He was communicating really well with me and said he felt like he could tell me anything.
I was really understanding and said lets take things slowly and told him I was willing to work with him to get through it, and that he should seek professional advice for his issues which seem to be a combination of physical and psychological. but I think this has just become too much of a monster for him. So much so that he was scared to give me compliments or show affection in other ways.
We ended up having quite an emotional break-up (in his bedroom at 2am) where it is clear that there are loads of issues through his ex- who gave him an ultimatum to have a baby and get married or she will leave. He took too long and she left, and has started a life with someone else. I think he carries a lot of guilt and regret from taking that decision.
Near the end of their relationship he was suffering from erectile dysfunction and stress. That was three years ago and he hasn't been with anyone since not sexually or otherwise. That he felt dead inside when it came to sexual desire.
He told me I made him feel so special and that my opinion mattered so much. He is interested in all elements of my life and what I am doing but is so scared by the physical side of things he has become so stressed and feels awful for me and what it means. He said even having a woman in his bed was not feeling natural.
I asked if he saw me as just a friend and whether he thought it was fair to even ask me out knowing this. He said he was massively confused by it all, he thought it was unfair of him but he had thought it would be fine and when he first saw me he couldn't help but speak to me- he just couldn't help himself and had to ask me out the next day.
he thinks there are so many things he wouldn't have done if it wasn't for me- I have motivated him to sort his house out, to get a appointment with the doctor to get a prostate check, supported him get a new job and made him think about life again all in 6 weeks.
I left the next morning, feeling very sad. He has asked me if can still call me after the doctors appointment to tell me how the tumour check goes (i reluctantly said yes) he also would not let me return some audio books he had lent, and told me to keep them.
I don't know what to do, has he been massively elfish and should I just close the door completely. Or should I reach out to him and let him know I am getting on with life but not closing the door completely?
ted this guy for six weeks (he referred to me as his gf). He is 22 years older than me (I'm 33 and he is 55) and we seemed to have this amazing connection as if we can talk about anything. He instigated the relationship and the first kiss etc. My gut told me this was the right person for me (it is normally not wrong).
Emotionally we had a great connection but physically things did not get off to a good start. After a few weeks as we approached to the sexual part of our relationship he completely broke down and told me he couldn't do it, we haven't even tried and I've not even seen him naked. He also is due a prostate cancer check which he has been avoiding. He was communicating really well with me and said he felt like he could tell me anything.
I was really understanding and said lets take things slowly and told him I was willing to work with him to get through it, and that he should seek professional advice for his issues which seem to be a combination of physical and psychological. but I think this has just become too much of a monster for him. So much so that he was scared to give me compliments or show affection in other ways.
We ended up having quite an emotional break-up (in his bedroom at 2am) where it is clear that there are loads of issues through his ex- who gave him an ultimatum to have a baby and get married or she will leave. He took too long and she left, and has started a life with someone else. I think he carries a lot of guilt and regret from taking that decision.
Near the end of their relationship he was suffering from erectile dysfunction and stress. That was three years ago and he hasn't been with anyone since not sexually or otherwise. That he felt dead inside when it came to sexual desire.
He told me I made him feel so special and that my opinion mattered so much. He is interested in all elements of my life and what I am doing but is so scared by the physical side of things he has become so stressed and feels awful for me and what it means. He said even having a woman in his bed was not feeling natural.
I asked if he saw me as just a friend and whether he thought it was fair to even ask me out knowing this. He said he was massively confused by it all, he thought it was unfair of him but he had thought it would be fine and when he first saw me he couldn't help but speak to me- he just couldn't help himself and had to ask me out the next day.
he thinks there are so many things he wouldn't have done if it wasn't for me- I have motivated him to sort his house out, to get a appointment with the doctor to get a prostate check, supported him get a new job and made him think about life again all in 6 weeks.
I left the next morning, feeling very sad. He has asked me if can still call me after the doctors appointment to tell me how the tumour check goes (i reluctantly said yes) he also would not let me return some audio books he had lent, and told me to keep them.
I don't know what to do, has he been massively elfish and should I just close the door completely. Or should I reach out to him and let him know I am getting on with life but not closing the door completely?
Close the door on this guy. He’s 55 years old and still has issues with basic adulting requirements (employment, basic medical care) and has structured his entire life around not committing to anyone as a partner. He has told you in plain English that having a sexual partner feels bad and unnatural to him. Never mind why that is, that’s for him to be motivated to unpack. You, the person 22 years his junior, are not responsible for shepherding him through his protracted adolescence and his continued need for a Mommy to help him get his shit together.
Run. Chemistry is nice for a coffee date, but if you were to partner with this guy (or NOT partner with him, since clearly he is not on board with having a partner), you would spend 100% of your relationship on getting him up to the point of taking care of himself, let alone if you ever need the support of a partner for anything you might go through. That sounds ridiculously one-sided and thankless. Don’t do it.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:50 AM on June 23, 2019 [78 favorites]
Run. Chemistry is nice for a coffee date, but if you were to partner with this guy (or NOT partner with him, since clearly he is not on board with having a partner), you would spend 100% of your relationship on getting him up to the point of taking care of himself, let alone if you ever need the support of a partner for anything you might go through. That sounds ridiculously one-sided and thankless. Don’t do it.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:50 AM on June 23, 2019 [78 favorites]
we seemed to have this amazing connection as if we can talk about anything
As a 57 year old man I can assure you that giving a strong impression of being able to talk about anything is a skill that we get better at with age. I have no doubt that it feels like a connection from where you are, and I'm equally sure that at 55 he was pretty chuffed to find a young woman who seemed willing to treat him as a human being instead of just another Old, but if I were you I'd discount the amazingness a few notches; it's par for the course.
Red flags for me include a 55 year old requiring intensive mothering from somebody he could plausibly have fathered in order to get his shit together, plus the fact that he's unwilling to be physically present and vulnerable with you. Reads to me as if dude is not over his previous relationship enough to avoid making a mess of another one. If you're looking for something serious you'd be better off elsewhere.
posted by flabdablet at 9:01 AM on June 23, 2019 [56 favorites]
As a 57 year old man I can assure you that giving a strong impression of being able to talk about anything is a skill that we get better at with age. I have no doubt that it feels like a connection from where you are, and I'm equally sure that at 55 he was pretty chuffed to find a young woman who seemed willing to treat him as a human being instead of just another Old, but if I were you I'd discount the amazingness a few notches; it's par for the course.
Red flags for me include a 55 year old requiring intensive mothering from somebody he could plausibly have fathered in order to get his shit together, plus the fact that he's unwilling to be physically present and vulnerable with you. Reads to me as if dude is not over his previous relationship enough to avoid making a mess of another one. If you're looking for something serious you'd be better off elsewhere.
posted by flabdablet at 9:01 AM on June 23, 2019 [56 favorites]
Is he selfish, or immature? Who knows, and, more importantly, who cares? Nice people get stuck with unsuitable people because immediately after judging them unfavorably, their niceness leads them to start to look for grounds forgive, overlook, and fix.
So don't judge him or find him wanting in any way. Just listen to what he is very loudly telling you: he doesn't want a girlfriend in any ordinary sense of the word. Despite his conversational gifts, it was never going to happen and now it has not happened.
posted by MattD at 9:06 AM on June 23, 2019 [24 favorites]
So don't judge him or find him wanting in any way. Just listen to what he is very loudly telling you: he doesn't want a girlfriend in any ordinary sense of the word. Despite his conversational gifts, it was never going to happen and now it has not happened.
posted by MattD at 9:06 AM on June 23, 2019 [24 favorites]
He's just flat out explained to you why it's not going to work. I know this is hard and I'm sorry, but as stated above - dude is 55 and can't take care of himself properly. He may be a cool person, but he's not able to be a decent partner at all at this point. Move on, close the door, and find someone who can at least take care of themself and wants to get it on with you.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:06 AM on June 23, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 9:06 AM on June 23, 2019 [7 favorites]
And btw this dude could be my ex (who is also 55 now, and I was 32 to his 41 when we dated). We too had great chemistry, but he was ridiculously passive and unwilling to commit to anything. His participation in the relationship involved delegating everything to me to organize, and then he would decide whether or not he was in the mood to show up. To literally show up, let me emphasize, because at least half the time, he would decide that he would rather take a nap or stay at home than do the thing we’d planned, and at which I was standing around waiting for him.
11 months of that bullshit and then I finally just stopped calling and making plans. Did he step up and tell me that I was important to him and to do better? Not at all. He didn’t do that for his ex, either, or for the person he dated after me. That’s who he is. Sounds like this is who your guy is too. The bottom line is that they have the life they want to have, and occasional, casual companionship is their limit. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s important to be abundantly clear and honest about it, and not string people along who clearly want more out of a relationship than that.
posted by Autumnheart at 9:12 AM on June 23, 2019 [14 favorites]
11 months of that bullshit and then I finally just stopped calling and making plans. Did he step up and tell me that I was important to him and to do better? Not at all. He didn’t do that for his ex, either, or for the person he dated after me. That’s who he is. Sounds like this is who your guy is too. The bottom line is that they have the life they want to have, and occasional, casual companionship is their limit. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s important to be abundantly clear and honest about it, and not string people along who clearly want more out of a relationship than that.
posted by Autumnheart at 9:12 AM on June 23, 2019 [14 favorites]
he thinks there are so many things he wouldn't have done if it wasn't for me- I have motivated him to sort his house out, to get a appointment with the doctor to get a prostate check, supported him get a new job and made him think about life again all in 6 weeks.
Why do you want to be with someone who needs this much help? I'd suggest finding someone who is functioning at your level.
posted by salvia at 9:26 AM on June 23, 2019 [8 favorites]
Why do you want to be with someone who needs this much help? I'd suggest finding someone who is functioning at your level.
posted by salvia at 9:26 AM on June 23, 2019 [8 favorites]
Yeah I just went through something similar, but with someone 9 years younger. A ton in common, great connection, physical chemistry/intimacy was just not there for...whatever reason, and so I ended it rather than figure out how to "make it work". I wasn't over a toxic relationship where my sexual vulnerability and hyper-sensitive nature was used to terrorize me and, from what I could tell, he was in the same boat. It became really uncomfortable really fast, I was pushed into a weird motherly/caretaker roll, and he suggested polyamory so he could get his kicks elsewhere. Nah. Again, that's just two people trying to shove a square block into a circle because some elements of the relationship work while others don't. Sometimes two people just don't align and, I dunno, the more it happens the more I get used to not really being too tormented about it.
I don't know how to tell you to move on, because I get it, but try not to romanticize people or possible futures and date around until you're sick of it.
posted by Young Kullervo at 9:47 AM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
I don't know how to tell you to move on, because I get it, but try not to romanticize people or possible futures and date around until you're sick of it.
posted by Young Kullervo at 9:47 AM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
Also to mirror what flabdablet said, and not to generalize this to just men, but I have a feeling there are many people who just learn eventually how to hold a conversation and are otherwise...unremarkable and broken in ways that only become apparent when you get to know them over time. This feels confusing and as though your connection is stronger/has more leverage than you think. But it almost feels tactical as a method either delay rejection or manipulate.
posted by Young Kullervo at 9:50 AM on June 23, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by Young Kullervo at 9:50 AM on June 23, 2019 [6 favorites]
He’s had 55 years to find somewhere to put that baggage down. I guarantee you there’s another guy out there with what my one friend calls “the gift of gab.”
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 10:06 AM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 10:06 AM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
That he felt dead inside when it came to sexual desire.
He said even having a woman in his bed was not feeling natural.
Whatever else he may be able to get help for and heal from, these particular things may not change because while they may disturb and confuse him at this moment in his life, they don't necessarily indicate that anything is wrong with him. They could be who he is--that is, gay and/or on the spectrum of asexuality and/or trans. As others have said, it really is for him to find out. Because of the feelings you have had for him, which for whatever reason cannot be fully reciprocated by him, it would probably do more harm than good (to you, if not also to him) and be a source of pain and further anxiety for you to remain connected with him. For both your sakes, close the door.
posted by notquitemaryann at 10:51 AM on June 23, 2019 [4 favorites]
He said even having a woman in his bed was not feeling natural.
Whatever else he may be able to get help for and heal from, these particular things may not change because while they may disturb and confuse him at this moment in his life, they don't necessarily indicate that anything is wrong with him. They could be who he is--that is, gay and/or on the spectrum of asexuality and/or trans. As others have said, it really is for him to find out. Because of the feelings you have had for him, which for whatever reason cannot be fully reciprocated by him, it would probably do more harm than good (to you, if not also to him) and be a source of pain and further anxiety for you to remain connected with him. For both your sakes, close the door.
posted by notquitemaryann at 10:51 AM on June 23, 2019 [4 favorites]
his inability to decide whether to sleep with you was all set up to be an exact replay of his inability to decide whether to have children with his ex. he saw it coming and cut it off instead of dragging it out and making you do it for him. that is one thing you can say for him.
whatever his problem is, he knows he has it even if he doesn't know what it is.
he thinks there are so many things he wouldn't have done if it wasn't for me- I have motivated him to sort his house out, to get a appointment with the doctor to get a prostate check, supported him get a new job and made him think about life again all in 6 weeks.
be very careful about understanding this as thankfulness and awe, rather than shame. if it makes you feel powerful to have had such an influence over him, even if you also feel taken advantage of -- if you think this is a reason for him to change his mind -- realize that doing all this for someone who knows they shouldn't have needed it is likely to leave them with the kind of humiliated gratitude that inspires a sincere thank-you followed by the wish to go away and forget all about it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:53 AM on June 23, 2019 [15 favorites]
whatever his problem is, he knows he has it even if he doesn't know what it is.
he thinks there are so many things he wouldn't have done if it wasn't for me- I have motivated him to sort his house out, to get a appointment with the doctor to get a prostate check, supported him get a new job and made him think about life again all in 6 weeks.
be very careful about understanding this as thankfulness and awe, rather than shame. if it makes you feel powerful to have had such an influence over him, even if you also feel taken advantage of -- if you think this is a reason for him to change his mind -- realize that doing all this for someone who knows they shouldn't have needed it is likely to leave them with the kind of humiliated gratitude that inspires a sincere thank-you followed by the wish to go away and forget all about it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:53 AM on June 23, 2019 [15 favorites]
When he was 52, his girlfriend was young enough to want to start a biological family, and he dithered and lost her; years later, after considerable personal stagnation, his best idea is asking out a woman in her early 30s? At least he's got a bit of self-awareness, enough to realize he's treading down a similar path.
Six weeks is not long at all. And I agree, after all your help and inspiration, he'd grow resentful and uncomfortable. Close the door, and turn your creative energies elsewhere.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:31 AM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
Six weeks is not long at all. And I agree, after all your help and inspiration, he'd grow resentful and uncomfortable. Close the door, and turn your creative energies elsewhere.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:31 AM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
Tough call.
Honestly, he sounds like he could be a lot of work. I feel poorly saying that, because I'm an Old Guy and if I were alone in the world I'd be very happy to hit it off with a woman this late in life.
Not much to base this on, but I wonder if he's freaking out over possible prostate issues? If you are up for it, you could wait for his results, and if he's okay - maybe he'll be a bit more relaxed and easy to deal with? I'm not at all confident handing that out as 'advice'. Note that if his test results are *not* good - as in, he has cancer - you'll need to deal with *that*. While I think we should all be decent and supportive and kind to the people we know, after only 6 weeks of dating I don't feel you owe him huge amounts of support if he's dealing with a serious illness. Again, I feel poorly saying that. But you may feel bad about distancing yourself from him if he's got cancer: IMHO, you're not obligated to be his support network for that.
Pet peeve: people second-guessing someone who posts a relationship question and mentions that they felt a connection with someone else. "You only *thought* you felt a connection", yadda. I'm not seeing anything in artystar's question that suggests she's lost touch with reality in any way. If she says "My gut told me ...", at the very least I'm willing to believe that she felt some real chemistry.
The age difference might be a problem? Popular thought would suggest that all men in their 50s would *love* to date a woman in her 30s. Sounds good in theory. In practice, I suspect that many / most men would discover that they can't handle it.
I don't think he's "selfish" or "immature"; to me it sounds like the guy is floundering. Just as there are people who love to buy funky old houses and renovate them, I'm told there are women who actually enjoy doing the same thing with men. Are you one of them? *My* gut tells me "no" - but really it's a question only you can answer.
Final thought: don't allow yourself to be manipulated (by guilt or whatever) into doing things you don't want to do.
posted by doctor tough love at 12:03 PM on June 23, 2019 [7 favorites]
Honestly, he sounds like he could be a lot of work. I feel poorly saying that, because I'm an Old Guy and if I were alone in the world I'd be very happy to hit it off with a woman this late in life.
Not much to base this on, but I wonder if he's freaking out over possible prostate issues? If you are up for it, you could wait for his results, and if he's okay - maybe he'll be a bit more relaxed and easy to deal with? I'm not at all confident handing that out as 'advice'. Note that if his test results are *not* good - as in, he has cancer - you'll need to deal with *that*. While I think we should all be decent and supportive and kind to the people we know, after only 6 weeks of dating I don't feel you owe him huge amounts of support if he's dealing with a serious illness. Again, I feel poorly saying that. But you may feel bad about distancing yourself from him if he's got cancer: IMHO, you're not obligated to be his support network for that.
Pet peeve: people second-guessing someone who posts a relationship question and mentions that they felt a connection with someone else. "You only *thought* you felt a connection", yadda. I'm not seeing anything in artystar's question that suggests she's lost touch with reality in any way. If she says "My gut told me ...", at the very least I'm willing to believe that she felt some real chemistry.
The age difference might be a problem? Popular thought would suggest that all men in their 50s would *love* to date a woman in her 30s. Sounds good in theory. In practice, I suspect that many / most men would discover that they can't handle it.
I don't think he's "selfish" or "immature"; to me it sounds like the guy is floundering. Just as there are people who love to buy funky old houses and renovate them, I'm told there are women who actually enjoy doing the same thing with men. Are you one of them? *My* gut tells me "no" - but really it's a question only you can answer.
Final thought: don't allow yourself to be manipulated (by guilt or whatever) into doing things you don't want to do.
posted by doctor tough love at 12:03 PM on June 23, 2019 [7 favorites]
Just as there are people who love to buy funky old houses and renovate them, I'm told there are women who actually enjoy doing the same thing with men.
People are not houses to be fixed up. Find someone who can take care of themselves and who will meet you on your level.
posted by 41swans at 12:10 PM on June 23, 2019 [16 favorites]
People are not houses to be fixed up. Find someone who can take care of themselves and who will meet you on your level.
posted by 41swans at 12:10 PM on June 23, 2019 [16 favorites]
You say that your gut feeling is "normally not wrong" and yet it lead you to a relationship which, from an outsider's perspective, seems extremely onesided and put you squarely in the caretaker camp. This relationship is not one of equals and you are romanticising things that are just normal for a healthy relationship (being able to talk about different topics).
I think it would be worthwhile to investigate why your gut lead you into this relationship and why this caretaker dynamic, you trying to fix an obviously dysfunctional man 20 years your senior, feels so right to you.
posted by thereader at 12:16 PM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think it would be worthwhile to investigate why your gut lead you into this relationship and why this caretaker dynamic, you trying to fix an obviously dysfunctional man 20 years your senior, feels so right to you.
posted by thereader at 12:16 PM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'll just speak to the age gap element. My boyfriend is 27 years older than me; we got together 15 years ago, when I was 27 and he was 54. We've had our problems like any couple, but the bedroom has always worked for us. So I say don't give up just yet. Go and do whatever and give him a call in 6 months or a year if you're single and interested.
posted by 8603 at 12:22 PM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by 8603 at 12:22 PM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
There's so much great advice above! I especially like flabdablet's perspective.
As you move forward and date others, here are two positives you can take away from the experience:
1. You are attracted to a wide age range of people. This is great because it means you have more options for love, namely a connection that is great intellectually and physically. There are plenty of 50something men who have their shit together and would love to date to you as a 30something woman with her shit together.
2. You are attracted to people with whom you have a good intellectual connection and delightful conversation. This is positive because most of us, even if we were an Adonis or Aphrodite in our youth, find ourselves with more weight, less hair, etc. as we age. There's still physical beauty but a sharp wit and developed personality is sexier than ever. This is very promising for your future!
I am a 30something woman attracted to a wide range of ages. I used to consider it harder to find people I was physically attracted to; now I find so many people physically appealing. Now I find it harder to find people to whom I'm attracted intellectually and emotionally. Funny how we change! Ultimately, age doesn't matter much when there's a good connection but there are few truly great dating matches: most people just seem like a good connection at first, regardless of age. We just have to be extra vigilant when we start out, which is something I'm so often realizing the hard way. I'm sorry this didn't work out but I know there is something much better out there for you. You deserve it!
posted by smorgasbord at 12:49 PM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
As you move forward and date others, here are two positives you can take away from the experience:
1. You are attracted to a wide age range of people. This is great because it means you have more options for love, namely a connection that is great intellectually and physically. There are plenty of 50something men who have their shit together and would love to date to you as a 30something woman with her shit together.
2. You are attracted to people with whom you have a good intellectual connection and delightful conversation. This is positive because most of us, even if we were an Adonis or Aphrodite in our youth, find ourselves with more weight, less hair, etc. as we age. There's still physical beauty but a sharp wit and developed personality is sexier than ever. This is very promising for your future!
I am a 30something woman attracted to a wide range of ages. I used to consider it harder to find people I was physically attracted to; now I find so many people physically appealing. Now I find it harder to find people to whom I'm attracted intellectually and emotionally. Funny how we change! Ultimately, age doesn't matter much when there's a good connection but there are few truly great dating matches: most people just seem like a good connection at first, regardless of age. We just have to be extra vigilant when we start out, which is something I'm so often realizing the hard way. I'm sorry this didn't work out but I know there is something much better out there for you. You deserve it!
posted by smorgasbord at 12:49 PM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
This guy sounds like a lot of work. Do you want to be with someone who needs that amount of labor from you, emotional and otherwise? If that’s OK with you, by all means ask him to look you up in a number of months. Unless you are someone who hopes to have children. Because he’s not going to be a very good parent because he’s not actually able to take care of himself yet. Also, and this may just be a personal thing, I think it’s kind of odd that he was calling you his girlfriend after six weeks. Maybe that was OK with you and you were calling him your boyfriend. For me, this really isn’t about your differences in age. People are different and that’s OK. I would not want to date this guy again, if it were me, because he sounds like he would bring out all of my codependent tendencies and I would spend a bunch of my time trying to take care of him while ignoring my own needs, up to and including my need for sex. But that doesn’t mean you will have the same experience necessarily. Good luck, OP.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:03 PM on June 23, 2019
posted by Bella Donna at 1:03 PM on June 23, 2019
Here: pro tip for screening dates.
ARE THEY
A. Employed
B. Own their own place
C. Have their own transportation
D. Free of dependents
E. No record
That's the minimum you start from on compatibility. Any pitfall in these areas is a potential thing they're looking for a woman to fix/mommy out of them.
Source: I date a lot and cast a wide net.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:42 PM on June 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
ARE THEY
A. Employed
B. Own their own place
C. Have their own transportation
D. Free of dependents
E. No record
That's the minimum you start from on compatibility. Any pitfall in these areas is a potential thing they're looking for a woman to fix/mommy out of them.
Source: I date a lot and cast a wide net.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:42 PM on June 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks but all of the above applied to him. He is a relatively successful man but clearly has problems.
Not really heard of the fixing up houses analogy, but its not really my thing. This was the first time I dated someone this much older and I think it mainly happened because when he first asked me out I thought he was about ten years younger!
posted by artystar at 2:44 PM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
Not really heard of the fixing up houses analogy, but its not really my thing. This was the first time I dated someone this much older and I think it mainly happened because when he first asked me out I thought he was about ten years younger!
posted by artystar at 2:44 PM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
Sounds like you have found your answer. No more fixer-uppers, and no more guys who are this much work after only six weeks (regardless of whether they’re old enough to remember the moon landing!). Your time and energy are much too precious.
posted by armeowda at 3:42 PM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by armeowda at 3:42 PM on June 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
You shouldn't leave the door open at all. You should slam it, fast. Six weeks is still so early, when everything feels fresh and lovely. If he wanted to deal with his erectile issues, he's had three years to do so. Walk away, and look for someone who is doing the work to be in a real relationship. Savor the loveliness you had, and look for that, but with someone else.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:12 PM on June 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 1:12 PM on June 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm just going to say that this prostate thing seems like it's getting swept under the rug. I had a tumor I knew about for a few months before I could work up the nerve to go to the doctor about it. Medical anxiety is real, y'all, and it sounds like this guy could be in the thick of it. To each one's own, but if someone in a scary position asked me if they could call me for help handling the results, good or bad, I would take that as a heartfelt (and maybe difficult) admission of your importance in a bewildering time.
That's not to say that you have to date in the future. You don't have to make any decisions before all the information is in--neither of you do.
It's very, very much to your credit that you helped motivate him to go to the doctor. I can't speak for anyone else, but it took a few friends listening to my anxiety before I could finally call and make the appointment to get my tumor checked out. It was a terrifying, dizzying period.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:56 PM on June 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
That's not to say that you have to date in the future. You don't have to make any decisions before all the information is in--neither of you do.
It's very, very much to your credit that you helped motivate him to go to the doctor. I can't speak for anyone else, but it took a few friends listening to my anxiety before I could finally call and make the appointment to get my tumor checked out. It was a terrifying, dizzying period.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:56 PM on June 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Tziv at 8:48 AM on June 23, 2019 [1 favorite]