Struggling with parenting and fatherhood as an introvert
June 14, 2019 11:23 PM Subscribe
After almost six years and two children I'm finding it incredibly hard to be the parent and father that I want to be / know I can be. Weekends, which once were my time to recharge and grow have turned into two days that I dread the most and sap me of my energy because I simply don't know how to simply 'be' with my kids at the ages they are at. Looking for suggestions on how to make it through this tough time.
My two kids, 5ish and 2ish are both amazing, healthy, smart etc. I'm in a loving relationship with their mother who looks after them during the week while I work as the founder and manager of my own business.
I absolutely love them both to pieces, but for the life of me I don't really know what to *do* with them, or how to simply *be* with them, and I feel a lot of guilt and confusion about this that is starting to come to a head.
I know that this is a temporary stage that once they both get a bit older that these things will become easier, but I'm finding that it's having a big impact on my mental health in that I basically have come to dread the unstructured weekend time, and end up completely sapped of energy. As someone who is very physically and mentally active during the week, this is a bit concerning.
Even though I'm in a very social-facing position with my work, I've always been a huge introvert. Weekends before kids meant lots of time by myself to recharge. I knew what I was getting into by starting a family, but I definitely think I underestimated the all-consuming 24/7 nature of it, and my capacity to handle it. Even when I try my absolute best, I just can't seem to truly engage with them for extended periods of time and feel like I'm floundering as a parent and it's not fair to my kids or my partner.
At the moment me and my partner are experimenting with trying to literally timetable out the weekends, so we both get a bit of a break and the time to ourselves that we need, but when it comes time for me to figure out what to do with them I just fall into some sort of paralysis.
My partner is great with the more social side of things - Going out to birthday parties and socialising with other parents - doing classes or organising playdates and has no issue with things, especially bringing both kids. I do some of this as well but I find it much easier to take just one child at a time. I can integrate that into things like grocery shopping, or catering to a current interest they have.
With both kids at this age though it's so tough because they are at such different levels of development and have such different interests, it's challenging to find tasks or activities that I can do with both of them at the same time, and even when I try to do those things it's always such a huge and ongoing struggle. Nothing major - just basic kid stuff, but it really does add up over time. Getting them in the car, stopping them from fighting, asking for food every five minutes, changing nappies, getting bored after 5 minutes doing anything, asking for their mum or to go home, etc etc. A short trip to the shops, or spending an hour with them around the house, and I feel like I've done a days worth of work and the gym and find that I just keep counting down the clock until their bedtime, looking forward when I can go back to the office on Monday into some form of structure and calm, and I know deep down this is not a good feeling to have and that it can have a negative impact on them as well.
Again, I know this is all temporary and will pass, and I take full ownership that this is my own issue, and working on it in therapy as well. I also feel a bit sheepish even asking this, because I know some of this is just the first noble truth of parenting. At the same time, I'd love to hear from other parents here who might have experienced similar issues and how they got through it!
My two kids, 5ish and 2ish are both amazing, healthy, smart etc. I'm in a loving relationship with their mother who looks after them during the week while I work as the founder and manager of my own business.
I absolutely love them both to pieces, but for the life of me I don't really know what to *do* with them, or how to simply *be* with them, and I feel a lot of guilt and confusion about this that is starting to come to a head.
I know that this is a temporary stage that once they both get a bit older that these things will become easier, but I'm finding that it's having a big impact on my mental health in that I basically have come to dread the unstructured weekend time, and end up completely sapped of energy. As someone who is very physically and mentally active during the week, this is a bit concerning.
Even though I'm in a very social-facing position with my work, I've always been a huge introvert. Weekends before kids meant lots of time by myself to recharge. I knew what I was getting into by starting a family, but I definitely think I underestimated the all-consuming 24/7 nature of it, and my capacity to handle it. Even when I try my absolute best, I just can't seem to truly engage with them for extended periods of time and feel like I'm floundering as a parent and it's not fair to my kids or my partner.
At the moment me and my partner are experimenting with trying to literally timetable out the weekends, so we both get a bit of a break and the time to ourselves that we need, but when it comes time for me to figure out what to do with them I just fall into some sort of paralysis.
My partner is great with the more social side of things - Going out to birthday parties and socialising with other parents - doing classes or organising playdates and has no issue with things, especially bringing both kids. I do some of this as well but I find it much easier to take just one child at a time. I can integrate that into things like grocery shopping, or catering to a current interest they have.
With both kids at this age though it's so tough because they are at such different levels of development and have such different interests, it's challenging to find tasks or activities that I can do with both of them at the same time, and even when I try to do those things it's always such a huge and ongoing struggle. Nothing major - just basic kid stuff, but it really does add up over time. Getting them in the car, stopping them from fighting, asking for food every five minutes, changing nappies, getting bored after 5 minutes doing anything, asking for their mum or to go home, etc etc. A short trip to the shops, or spending an hour with them around the house, and I feel like I've done a days worth of work and the gym and find that I just keep counting down the clock until their bedtime, looking forward when I can go back to the office on Monday into some form of structure and calm, and I know deep down this is not a good feeling to have and that it can have a negative impact on them as well.
Again, I know this is all temporary and will pass, and I take full ownership that this is my own issue, and working on it in therapy as well. I also feel a bit sheepish even asking this, because I know some of this is just the first noble truth of parenting. At the same time, I'd love to hear from other parents here who might have experienced similar issues and how they got through it!
I will be following this thread as a fellow introvert looking into starting a family in the next few years. My partner and I both need a lot of me time to recharge on the weekend. At the moment we have a lot of control over how we spend our time and while I definitely want kids I am concerned at times how to deal with this need when we have kids.
We talked a lot about seeking help from relatives/hiring nanny (but also to expect that that help is not always available) to give us some breathing space once in a while but of course we haven't had kids yet so I am probably not in a position to offer advice...
posted by azalea at 1:39 AM on June 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
We talked a lot about seeking help from relatives/hiring nanny (but also to expect that that help is not always available) to give us some breathing space once in a while but of course we haven't had kids yet so I am probably not in a position to offer advice...
posted by azalea at 1:39 AM on June 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
It is hard. I sometimes just say "I'm on the edge, I need to sit down and rest so kids, pick a thing to chill out with while I stare at a book/wall and don't talk to me until this timer rings for 10 minutes." It helps to have a visual timer when they're little so they can see the time tracking, and to be clear that this is very much a You problem, not their fault and that you will be fine once you recharge.
I wonder if the 5 day/2 day dynamic is hurting in that you get 5 days where you are generally in charge of your schedule and dealing with adults then switching to 2 days of no schedule and dealing with small children.
If you did say the breakfast run or bedtimes with them during the 5 days, or had a half day with them during that week, so that you were getting inoculated to their routine child-chat and sense of time (very now and needing a lot of external reinforcement to stay on track) then the weekend wouldn't be such a big shock. The kids too would be more laid back about seeing you on weekends because it wouldn't be "yay! daddy's back!" and more "oh hey, guy who poured our cereal out yesterday."
I also think parents in general can dial down about half the activities when kids are little on weekends. They really really will not lose out for just going to the park and then staying home. Don't enrol them in classes or sign them up for anything. Leave weekends un-scheduled and turn down parties and playdates unless they are drop-off, and just spend family time. Your kids would much rather hang out with you and will do well hanging out with you and being happy doing a bunch of quieter activities.
Also, why are you catering to their interests only? At 2ish, they basically are walking adorable potatoes that follow you but the 5ish can and should be following you and seeing what you do too for fun. If dad likes playing guitar, then get her a tiny ukulele and show her some chords. If dad likes cooking, put an apron on her and show her how to make pizza safely with you. Get them involved with your life.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:10 AM on June 15, 2019 [40 favorites]
I wonder if the 5 day/2 day dynamic is hurting in that you get 5 days where you are generally in charge of your schedule and dealing with adults then switching to 2 days of no schedule and dealing with small children.
If you did say the breakfast run or bedtimes with them during the 5 days, or had a half day with them during that week, so that you were getting inoculated to their routine child-chat and sense of time (very now and needing a lot of external reinforcement to stay on track) then the weekend wouldn't be such a big shock. The kids too would be more laid back about seeing you on weekends because it wouldn't be "yay! daddy's back!" and more "oh hey, guy who poured our cereal out yesterday."
I also think parents in general can dial down about half the activities when kids are little on weekends. They really really will not lose out for just going to the park and then staying home. Don't enrol them in classes or sign them up for anything. Leave weekends un-scheduled and turn down parties and playdates unless they are drop-off, and just spend family time. Your kids would much rather hang out with you and will do well hanging out with you and being happy doing a bunch of quieter activities.
Also, why are you catering to their interests only? At 2ish, they basically are walking adorable potatoes that follow you but the 5ish can and should be following you and seeing what you do too for fun. If dad likes playing guitar, then get her a tiny ukulele and show her some chords. If dad likes cooking, put an apron on her and show her how to make pizza safely with you. Get them involved with your life.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:10 AM on June 15, 2019 [40 favorites]
Do you guys have a regular babysitter? If not, you should find one. And find one who is okay babysitting while one of you is still in the house. That way you can use the sitter to go on dates together, and you can also use the sitter to watch the kids while one of you goes and window shops and the other one holes up in the basement and watches junky tv for 2 hours.
I second the recommendation for structured activities. Not just structured activities at home, but out in the world. Anything that gives your kids a focus that isn't you is going to take the pressure off a bit and make things easier. That's probably why your wife takes them to classes, playdates, etc. It takes a bit more work upfront to set those things up, but then it is easier once you're there.
Something else to consider: you get better at doing something...by doing it. Possibly the reason why your partner is better at wrangling both kids and organizing playdates, etc, is because she does a lot more of it. This is also holds true for the kids: they learn how to do things by doing them. That includes learning how to do things with Dad instead of with Mom.
posted by colfax at 2:18 AM on June 15, 2019 [14 favorites]
I second the recommendation for structured activities. Not just structured activities at home, but out in the world. Anything that gives your kids a focus that isn't you is going to take the pressure off a bit and make things easier. That's probably why your wife takes them to classes, playdates, etc. It takes a bit more work upfront to set those things up, but then it is easier once you're there.
Something else to consider: you get better at doing something...by doing it. Possibly the reason why your partner is better at wrangling both kids and organizing playdates, etc, is because she does a lot more of it. This is also holds true for the kids: they learn how to do things by doing them. That includes learning how to do things with Dad instead of with Mom.
posted by colfax at 2:18 AM on June 15, 2019 [14 favorites]
I didn't feel I was a succes at parenting while introvert, but if you ask my now adult kids, I was. We had a lot of "rituals", things we would do where everyone knew their roles and enjoyed them. Friday night was take-out pizza and candy night in front of the TV. Saturday, we might bake something, like some simple cookies. Every night bedtime had tooth-brushing, book reading and then music listening. Sunday often had some excursion, to visit grandparents or to visit the animals in a local park. I strongly recommend outdoor activity, because it tires them out so well.
I had rules for these activities, and I was strict in enforcing them. This was tough for a very short while, then they learnt there was no negotiating space. I hate negotiating with children and I don't see the purpose of it.
The in-between time was doing nothing. Nothing was obviously not nothing, but it was unsupervised activity in their rooms with all their stuff, or drawing and cutting paper into bits at the kitchen table while I prepared food, or read or did other household chores. A parent is not a kindergarten teacher. Yes, they would get into fights, but if you tell yourself fights between siblings are OK and normal, you don't stress so much over them. I'd tell them I didn't want to waste my time on their fights. Doing nothing time and solving their own problems was teaching them to handle themselves and interact with others. Obviously I had to separate them sometimes, but that became boring really quick so they eventually learnt to sort things out.
Also, contrary to what one imagines, playdates are great. More kids are easier than few. They do things with each other instead of relying on adult entertainment. My youngest had two siblings over once a week. We'd go to the playground, where I just sat and was still, then we'd go home and make tea together (homemade pizza), and then time would be out and their mother would come for them. 3 hours of no stress, and happy adults all the way round. Then she would be tired and do something quiet while I cleaned up the mess, which was nice and meditative.
Maybe one of your kids, or both, are introvert. My youngest is. We bonded over that. I could help her find space for introverted activities.
posted by mumimor at 2:19 AM on June 15, 2019 [28 favorites]
I had rules for these activities, and I was strict in enforcing them. This was tough for a very short while, then they learnt there was no negotiating space. I hate negotiating with children and I don't see the purpose of it.
The in-between time was doing nothing. Nothing was obviously not nothing, but it was unsupervised activity in their rooms with all their stuff, or drawing and cutting paper into bits at the kitchen table while I prepared food, or read or did other household chores. A parent is not a kindergarten teacher. Yes, they would get into fights, but if you tell yourself fights between siblings are OK and normal, you don't stress so much over them. I'd tell them I didn't want to waste my time on their fights. Doing nothing time and solving their own problems was teaching them to handle themselves and interact with others. Obviously I had to separate them sometimes, but that became boring really quick so they eventually learnt to sort things out.
Also, contrary to what one imagines, playdates are great. More kids are easier than few. They do things with each other instead of relying on adult entertainment. My youngest had two siblings over once a week. We'd go to the playground, where I just sat and was still, then we'd go home and make tea together (homemade pizza), and then time would be out and their mother would come for them. 3 hours of no stress, and happy adults all the way round. Then she would be tired and do something quiet while I cleaned up the mess, which was nice and meditative.
Maybe one of your kids, or both, are introvert. My youngest is. We bonded over that. I could help her find space for introverted activities.
posted by mumimor at 2:19 AM on June 15, 2019 [28 favorites]
TV can be a beautiful thing. Seriously, it is my savior, my magic wand, my pinch-hitter. Put on a show and let your eyes glaze over for twenty minutes.
posted by pintapicasso at 2:30 AM on June 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by pintapicasso at 2:30 AM on June 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
Ooooh, give them a year and they will be playing with each other hours at a time instead of bugging you every five minutes! I remember that moment when I thought „THIS is why we got two kids!“
Two years old is just still very young.
Anyway, you need to see this as an incredibly demanding job that, unfortunately, you can‘t just quit. It feels worse when you feel like you‘re supposed to be enjoying it. Don‘t ask this of yourself. No, this part just really sucks and drains the life out of you. (The kids are cute and great. But the constant demands on your attention for completely disparate things make you hate life.)
My kids are now 5,5 and 8, and I promise you, this is so much more fun. They‘re on the same page, they‘re allied (often against me!) and the stuff they enjoy is stuff I enjoy. They don’t need a carload of stuff and prep every time we go out of the door. I like hanging out with them, and also if I have things to do they hang out with each other instead. I take them to a park and they just go off for an hour or so. This stage started when little was about 3 years old.
How to keep going in the meantime:
- structure the time: plan out what you will do with them days ahead. Unstructured hanging out time is 200% worse. The kids get whiny, the adults get brain dead. Have an agenda; little things count. At the very least, it means that if you‘re hating the moment, you can always jump forward in the agenda and tell them, „next, we shall slice fruit and eat it together!“ Because you‘ve got things lined up.
- Now is the time to introduce screen time once in a while, but take the time to watch with them and choose things you don‘t hate, so you can chat about what you see with them.
- consciously choose games that are taxing for them but not you. Like „dance party“.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:39 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
Two years old is just still very young.
Anyway, you need to see this as an incredibly demanding job that, unfortunately, you can‘t just quit. It feels worse when you feel like you‘re supposed to be enjoying it. Don‘t ask this of yourself. No, this part just really sucks and drains the life out of you. (The kids are cute and great. But the constant demands on your attention for completely disparate things make you hate life.)
My kids are now 5,5 and 8, and I promise you, this is so much more fun. They‘re on the same page, they‘re allied (often against me!) and the stuff they enjoy is stuff I enjoy. They don’t need a carload of stuff and prep every time we go out of the door. I like hanging out with them, and also if I have things to do they hang out with each other instead. I take them to a park and they just go off for an hour or so. This stage started when little was about 3 years old.
How to keep going in the meantime:
- structure the time: plan out what you will do with them days ahead. Unstructured hanging out time is 200% worse. The kids get whiny, the adults get brain dead. Have an agenda; little things count. At the very least, it means that if you‘re hating the moment, you can always jump forward in the agenda and tell them, „next, we shall slice fruit and eat it together!“ Because you‘ve got things lined up.
- Now is the time to introduce screen time once in a while, but take the time to watch with them and choose things you don‘t hate, so you can chat about what you see with them.
- consciously choose games that are taxing for them but not you. Like „dance party“.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:39 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
It does get better.
My husband is involved all week but also is an introvert and struggled some. As a family, we did develop some rituals. At the ages similar to yours (my kids’ age gap is larger), some of ours were:
We ate outside (picnic, bbq, sandwiches on the deck) a lot, because then the adults could sit and the kids run around like banshees and we didn’t feel like the etiquette was being violated.
Each year we picked one child-friendly museum/zoo membership and went there frequently. Because it was a regular thing we were able to establish minor routines, but it gave my elder son something of interest and my younger son somewhere to be 2 in. In hindsight it also probably helped us both deal with the two-child management. We kind of did a rotation - go one Sunday as a family, one with mum, one with dad. Non-going parent got time off. Kids complained sometimes in the car but they really didn’t mind the repetition (and would have complained anyway.)
We joined a family-friendly gym/community centre that had drop-in gym/soccer/bouncey castle hours (look also for indoor playgrounds, etc.) Ours has a coffee shop and my husband and I could trade off supervising/working out/having coffee.
And...for burnout management...although many of our friends thought we were nuts this is also the age-ish my spouse and I started taking separate “retreat weekends” 1-2 times a year. One partner gets an afternoon-night-morning in a cheap room to write (me)/before a race or a one night meditation retreat (him). It worked for us. This is also why vacation resorts with “kids camp” exist although we never really did that.
Laugh and be silly every day.
Also, any family nearby? This might be the time to see if they will do an afternoon at auntie’s once a month.
But also, try to keep the rest of life simple. Order groceries online, simplify, etc. You are hitting a very real wall, but if you don’t add a third, it will get easier soon (after the terrible 3s). I agree with your goal of keeping your parenting time as positive as possible but it’s also okay for it to suck a little.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:51 AM on June 15, 2019 [10 favorites]
My husband is involved all week but also is an introvert and struggled some. As a family, we did develop some rituals. At the ages similar to yours (my kids’ age gap is larger), some of ours were:
We ate outside (picnic, bbq, sandwiches on the deck) a lot, because then the adults could sit and the kids run around like banshees and we didn’t feel like the etiquette was being violated.
Each year we picked one child-friendly museum/zoo membership and went there frequently. Because it was a regular thing we were able to establish minor routines, but it gave my elder son something of interest and my younger son somewhere to be 2 in. In hindsight it also probably helped us both deal with the two-child management. We kind of did a rotation - go one Sunday as a family, one with mum, one with dad. Non-going parent got time off. Kids complained sometimes in the car but they really didn’t mind the repetition (and would have complained anyway.)
We joined a family-friendly gym/community centre that had drop-in gym/soccer/bouncey castle hours (look also for indoor playgrounds, etc.) Ours has a coffee shop and my husband and I could trade off supervising/working out/having coffee.
And...for burnout management...although many of our friends thought we were nuts this is also the age-ish my spouse and I started taking separate “retreat weekends” 1-2 times a year. One partner gets an afternoon-night-morning in a cheap room to write (me)/before a race or a one night meditation retreat (him). It worked for us. This is also why vacation resorts with “kids camp” exist although we never really did that.
Laugh and be silly every day.
Also, any family nearby? This might be the time to see if they will do an afternoon at auntie’s once a month.
But also, try to keep the rest of life simple. Order groceries online, simplify, etc. You are hitting a very real wall, but if you don’t add a third, it will get easier soon (after the terrible 3s). I agree with your goal of keeping your parenting time as positive as possible but it’s also okay for it to suck a little.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:51 AM on June 15, 2019 [10 favorites]
Yeah, this was my life for too many years. I never learned to enjoy it. In addition to the strategies others have suggested, it was helpful for me to make a list of activities that were usually less painful than other activities. Having this on hand made it easier for me to change modes when I was stressed or dying from ennui. It included stuff like specific games they enjoyed, playing with a dishpan of water, using sidewalk chalk, etc.; nothing big or unusual but it helped me with ideas in the moment.
Also, if you and your family don't have trouble with substance use, you might consider having an occasional drink or other recreational drug. I did not when my kids were little, and in retrospect it probably would've made everyone happier? There were soooo many times at social events that the kids were driving me nuts when they didn't seem to be grating on everyone else, and eventually I realized it was partly because they all had beers.
posted by metasarah at 3:58 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
Also, if you and your family don't have trouble with substance use, you might consider having an occasional drink or other recreational drug. I did not when my kids were little, and in retrospect it probably would've made everyone happier? There were soooo many times at social events that the kids were driving me nuts when they didn't seem to be grating on everyone else, and eventually I realized it was partly because they all had beers.
posted by metasarah at 3:58 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
“I spend time with my kids. And lots of it. I believe the best thing a parent can give his kid is time. And not just quality time, but big, stinking, lazy, non-productive quantity time. In fact, that’s why this book is so badly written. Believe me, you’d be enjoying the experience of reading this book a lot more if I weren’t so dedicated to my children.” - Al Franken, Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot (1996)
You’re not supposed to be a non-stop education / entertainment machine. Kicking back with the kids and watching The Lion King on a Sunday afternoon is Good Parenting, even if it doesn’t feel like it should be.
posted by doctor tough love at 4:37 AM on June 15, 2019 [14 favorites]
You’re not supposed to be a non-stop education / entertainment machine. Kicking back with the kids and watching The Lion King on a Sunday afternoon is Good Parenting, even if it doesn’t feel like it should be.
posted by doctor tough love at 4:37 AM on June 15, 2019 [14 favorites]
I relate to this but as the mother so I have an added layer of guilt. I find my child's interests boring. He has too much screentime.
However, other things sometimes help. We go to a local farmers market with live entertainment. If I have less energy I contain him in a stroller. They make double seat wagons that might work for your crew. Otherwise he can walk around. I rely on the world to provide the entertainment and step in myself in short, frequent bursts. Animal related activities are also a big hit.
For part of the year there are many siblings here who get into arguments. I basically let them figure it out if I don't suspect abuse of power going on, and monitor for verbal abuse and nip that in the bud. If they fight over turns with something the rule is nobody gets to use it if you can't use it well together. (That wouldn't necessarily work with a 2yo but my 2yo has a good temperament.)
Libraries with children's areas, forests etc are good places for children to burn off energy. Sometimes I play with them outside, other times I say I'm going to rest while they play. I find it easier for them to accept if they have received a dose of full presence. Full presence in 5 minute bursts throughout the day should give you moments here and there to withdraw emotionally provided you're in an environment where safety needs are addressed and the kids are either contained or isolated from problem areas.
posted by crunchy potato at 5:43 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
However, other things sometimes help. We go to a local farmers market with live entertainment. If I have less energy I contain him in a stroller. They make double seat wagons that might work for your crew. Otherwise he can walk around. I rely on the world to provide the entertainment and step in myself in short, frequent bursts. Animal related activities are also a big hit.
For part of the year there are many siblings here who get into arguments. I basically let them figure it out if I don't suspect abuse of power going on, and monitor for verbal abuse and nip that in the bud. If they fight over turns with something the rule is nobody gets to use it if you can't use it well together. (That wouldn't necessarily work with a 2yo but my 2yo has a good temperament.)
Libraries with children's areas, forests etc are good places for children to burn off energy. Sometimes I play with them outside, other times I say I'm going to rest while they play. I find it easier for them to accept if they have received a dose of full presence. Full presence in 5 minute bursts throughout the day should give you moments here and there to withdraw emotionally provided you're in an environment where safety needs are addressed and the kids are either contained or isolated from problem areas.
posted by crunchy potato at 5:43 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
Chiming in that this is really hard, those ages are really tough, and it sucks and it does get better almost without you doing anything simply because they'll get a little older and play together. But in the meantime:
- yes, organized activities on the weekend are surprisingly easier to manage as an introvert than unstructured time. I never liked playgroups/mommy groups, so I do things like free days at museums or corporate events (a home supply store has a free craft building activity once a month. I found all of those types of things and put them into a calendar so I could know all the options). There are mom blogs and websites that make these lists of free family events. Currently they are in a 1.5 hour rock climbing class on Sundays, although we don't do a lot of other paid/structured activities (usually one one at a time). We go to the library every Saturday, and if it's nice we play in the park behind the library. Routine helps.
- I stayed home with the kids for three years (I'm mom) and was miserable. During that time I started going over to my mother-in-law's house every Thursday just to talk to another adult during the week. My husband has been staying home with the kids for almost three years, and they all still go to Grandma's on Thursdays, along with some cousins. And we go every Sunday afternoon. That works well for us, my MIL doesn't mind if we read or nap or whatever while we're there and the more adults there are the more it spreads the intensiveness of caregiving. Do you have family nearby that you can start this kind of ritual with?
- I made a bucket list this summer of things I want to do, separate from the calendar of organized events. Free things like taking a walk after dinner, expensive things like a local amusement park, simple things like a picnic. That way each weekend I have a list that I can look at so the whole 48 hours are not yawning ahead of me.
- we have been making more of an effort to have 1:1 time with each kid. They are otherwise always together (we homeschool) and I suspect our six year old is an introvert herself. They fight constantly but miss each other instantly, but the 1:1 parent attention seems to have been good for them as well. We are all more connected to each other as individuals and it's not as overwhelming as being the 1 parent to 2 kids.
- trying really hard to be present in the moment with them. It's chaos and I prefer the structured busyness of my work, but if I can slow down and notice what's actually happening in front of me, it's usually mindblowing. I can't stay in that state but a few of those moments over a weekend can change the whole tone.
- lastly, I found ways to build my introvert time into the day. I currently get up way earlier than anyone else in the family, and earlier than I want to. I don't meditate or go to the gym or anything "important" with that time. Often I spend the whole hour on Facebook and Metafilter. And that's okay! That's the point! This is my recharging time. It has helped a lot, even if it makes me a little more tired that I'd be otherwise. But "tired and with my introvert time" me is a better parent than "well-rested but constantly touched/talked to" me.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:12 AM on June 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
- yes, organized activities on the weekend are surprisingly easier to manage as an introvert than unstructured time. I never liked playgroups/mommy groups, so I do things like free days at museums or corporate events (a home supply store has a free craft building activity once a month. I found all of those types of things and put them into a calendar so I could know all the options). There are mom blogs and websites that make these lists of free family events. Currently they are in a 1.5 hour rock climbing class on Sundays, although we don't do a lot of other paid/structured activities (usually one one at a time). We go to the library every Saturday, and if it's nice we play in the park behind the library. Routine helps.
- I stayed home with the kids for three years (I'm mom) and was miserable. During that time I started going over to my mother-in-law's house every Thursday just to talk to another adult during the week. My husband has been staying home with the kids for almost three years, and they all still go to Grandma's on Thursdays, along with some cousins. And we go every Sunday afternoon. That works well for us, my MIL doesn't mind if we read or nap or whatever while we're there and the more adults there are the more it spreads the intensiveness of caregiving. Do you have family nearby that you can start this kind of ritual with?
- I made a bucket list this summer of things I want to do, separate from the calendar of organized events. Free things like taking a walk after dinner, expensive things like a local amusement park, simple things like a picnic. That way each weekend I have a list that I can look at so the whole 48 hours are not yawning ahead of me.
- we have been making more of an effort to have 1:1 time with each kid. They are otherwise always together (we homeschool) and I suspect our six year old is an introvert herself. They fight constantly but miss each other instantly, but the 1:1 parent attention seems to have been good for them as well. We are all more connected to each other as individuals and it's not as overwhelming as being the 1 parent to 2 kids.
- trying really hard to be present in the moment with them. It's chaos and I prefer the structured busyness of my work, but if I can slow down and notice what's actually happening in front of me, it's usually mindblowing. I can't stay in that state but a few of those moments over a weekend can change the whole tone.
- lastly, I found ways to build my introvert time into the day. I currently get up way earlier than anyone else in the family, and earlier than I want to. I don't meditate or go to the gym or anything "important" with that time. Often I spend the whole hour on Facebook and Metafilter. And that's okay! That's the point! This is my recharging time. It has helped a lot, even if it makes me a little more tired that I'd be otherwise. But "tired and with my introvert time" me is a better parent than "well-rested but constantly touched/talked to" me.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:12 AM on June 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
I’m fifteen years past this stage, and it gets better — they keep on getting more verbal and reasonable, this is a low point but it doesn’t last forever.
Exhausting though it is, doing more rather than less helps. Trying to amuse kids in your living room is miserable; schlepping them to a park/children’s museum/whatever is an effort but is ultimately easier. It doesn’t have to be a good activity, little kids can’t tell the difference between the best zoo in the world and a pen with a goat in it. Play dates, like someone else said, so the kids are bouncing off each other and you can drink coffee with the other parent, are great too.
If you’re going to be home with them, you doing something active but unimportant helps. Making cookies is a classic; it gives the older kid something to react to and help with, and if it all gets to be a mess it doesn’t matter. Even having them ‘help’ you clean is something — if you don’t mind what the results are, there are lots of things a 5 year old can do.
But mostly, this is an investment. Exhausting and boring though they are now, the more you talk to them and spend time with them now, the sooner they’ll be an active pleasure to spend your time with. It gets so much better.
posted by LizardBreath at 6:21 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
Exhausting though it is, doing more rather than less helps. Trying to amuse kids in your living room is miserable; schlepping them to a park/children’s museum/whatever is an effort but is ultimately easier. It doesn’t have to be a good activity, little kids can’t tell the difference between the best zoo in the world and a pen with a goat in it. Play dates, like someone else said, so the kids are bouncing off each other and you can drink coffee with the other parent, are great too.
If you’re going to be home with them, you doing something active but unimportant helps. Making cookies is a classic; it gives the older kid something to react to and help with, and if it all gets to be a mess it doesn’t matter. Even having them ‘help’ you clean is something — if you don’t mind what the results are, there are lots of things a 5 year old can do.
But mostly, this is an investment. Exhausting and boring though they are now, the more you talk to them and spend time with them now, the sooner they’ll be an active pleasure to spend your time with. It gets so much better.
posted by LizardBreath at 6:21 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
I have had a very similar situation, and I have been convinced (and deeply hurt that) my kids didn't like me or were suffering from my anxiety and self doubt to the point where seeing them made me ashamed instead of happy. It got better, but it required me getting help for some of those feelings and also consciously experimenting with not trying to pretend I was okay or unhurt. Since they're not fooled anyway they felt safer when I just let myself be withdrawn sometimes instead of summoning up superhuman engagement time. It wasn't instant, but it was possible and they have adapted - so have I - and not just as they've grown older (5 and 7 now). We would call it quiet time and it turns out they needed it too, once they figured out it wasn't just for napping (which made them resist it less - they quit napping very early and didn't want to be directed to sleep).
It gets better, and also it gets different. I focus on establishing a "base" for the kids so we can go to a park or soccer field with a ball and I'm sitting on a bench with a bag of snacks, chalk, coloring supplies, etc.
I don't play with them there. That's other-kid time and run-your-energy-out time, and they get more and more confident that I'm where to go to refuel or feel safe if something happens or chill out and draw if they're done playing with other kids for a while, but I regularly send them back out to find friends or just entertain themselves. It might only be an hour or two, but after a few weekends on a loosely similar schedule and they get more confident and find friends they see regularly.
I get to be present and time for reading or a podcast, eventually they don't demand much attention in this situation (while still coming back to base when something important happens).
The same can be true of screen time - I do find that TV-on-the-wall can take their attention but also become background for play on their own, while devices tend to become both - and I went in open minded about screens. The devices correlate pretty highly with grumpy fighty kids after only an hour or two, so I compromise my recharge time with shows they can reasonably engage or ignore.
The two year old will be less self sufficient at a park situation but that's what the other activities (chalk, colors) are for.
In all, you don't have to be scheduled and engaged with kids to be doing it right, merely be there consistently and guide them toward Independence a bit at a time.
posted by abulafa at 6:46 AM on June 15, 2019 [8 favorites]
It gets better, and also it gets different. I focus on establishing a "base" for the kids so we can go to a park or soccer field with a ball and I'm sitting on a bench with a bag of snacks, chalk, coloring supplies, etc.
I don't play with them there. That's other-kid time and run-your-energy-out time, and they get more and more confident that I'm where to go to refuel or feel safe if something happens or chill out and draw if they're done playing with other kids for a while, but I regularly send them back out to find friends or just entertain themselves. It might only be an hour or two, but after a few weekends on a loosely similar schedule and they get more confident and find friends they see regularly.
I get to be present and time for reading or a podcast, eventually they don't demand much attention in this situation (while still coming back to base when something important happens).
The same can be true of screen time - I do find that TV-on-the-wall can take their attention but also become background for play on their own, while devices tend to become both - and I went in open minded about screens. The devices correlate pretty highly with grumpy fighty kids after only an hour or two, so I compromise my recharge time with shows they can reasonably engage or ignore.
The two year old will be less self sufficient at a park situation but that's what the other activities (chalk, colors) are for.
In all, you don't have to be scheduled and engaged with kids to be doing it right, merely be there consistently and guide them toward Independence a bit at a time.
posted by abulafa at 6:46 AM on June 15, 2019 [8 favorites]
What did you used to do while you were recharging? We spent a lot of time growing up hanging out in the same room / yard as my dad while he read books so my mom had some time to herself. We’d be coloring, playing with the dog, making up stories with each other, running around, etc (and later, reading our own books). Anytime someone complained about being bored, we got “Only boring people are bored.” and my dad would tell us a crazy story about his life. We did a lot of chilling out. My dad did a lot of “stop with the noise, you’re driving me crazy.” And we all turned out just fine!
posted by sallybrown at 6:48 AM on June 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 6:48 AM on June 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
I'm a single mom of two kids and an introvert. Mine are also spaced like yours and there are phases where that span works well and phases where it doesn't. Right now I've got a teen and tween and it's.....not great for syncing activities up. That said, they're old enough that I can do something with one of them and the other can be home alone doing their own thing, so that's got its own upsides.
So I'll second some of the good advice you're already getting here...
- Modeling your emotional needs is GOOD for your kids. When you say, "Whew, I'm a bit pooped and really need some time to recharge" that gives your kids a great understanding of how to take care of themselves. And how to work with/around people who have different needs while in close proximity.
- Assuming your 2yo is safe, you should feel free to just nap or close your eyes on the floor, couch, whatever.
- Both structured time and unstructured time are your friends. And you can structure your unstructured time! I found that having blocks of time where we had some activity (playground, playdate, baking, washing the car, whatever) was good for getting me to engage with the world and the kids. And then knowing that from, say, 1:30-3:30pm they're ripping pages out of old magazines or watching Arthur while I nap, was critical for me to know they were nearby but I could also get some time to myself.
- You might experiment with having your kids join you for meditating or yoga or naptime. They won't get it 'right' for a while, but it helps build a useful habit and also over time reinforces the idea that quiet "internal" time is valued and important.
- Experiment with what works schedule-wise and activity-wise, but don't feel bad about opting first for stuff that keeps you sane.
- Try alternating with your other parent where at least once a month you each have a weekend day "off" and a weekend day where you have a sitter and you spend time together.
- Simplify everything else you can while with them. Meals? Pasta, tuna, mac and cheese -- all from boxes, please, no scratch. Cleaning? Relax your standards *and* know that 'picking up time' is a good habit for kids, too, and kills 20 minutes twice a day.
Lastly, regarding your dread of the weekend. Try spending a minute or two on Friday night or Saturday morning before the kid crush to just acknowledge it, shake hands with it. Because I found it easy to dread the dread, to make myself wrong for feeling exhausted, scattered, irritated, spread thin. Once I let myself acknowledge it straight-on and spend a few minutes telling myself it was real, it was reasonable, and it was not forever, and that I was up to it, it made it a lot better.
posted by cocoagirl at 6:54 AM on June 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
So I'll second some of the good advice you're already getting here...
- Modeling your emotional needs is GOOD for your kids. When you say, "Whew, I'm a bit pooped and really need some time to recharge" that gives your kids a great understanding of how to take care of themselves. And how to work with/around people who have different needs while in close proximity.
- Assuming your 2yo is safe, you should feel free to just nap or close your eyes on the floor, couch, whatever.
- Both structured time and unstructured time are your friends. And you can structure your unstructured time! I found that having blocks of time where we had some activity (playground, playdate, baking, washing the car, whatever) was good for getting me to engage with the world and the kids. And then knowing that from, say, 1:30-3:30pm they're ripping pages out of old magazines or watching Arthur while I nap, was critical for me to know they were nearby but I could also get some time to myself.
- You might experiment with having your kids join you for meditating or yoga or naptime. They won't get it 'right' for a while, but it helps build a useful habit and also over time reinforces the idea that quiet "internal" time is valued and important.
- Experiment with what works schedule-wise and activity-wise, but don't feel bad about opting first for stuff that keeps you sane.
- Try alternating with your other parent where at least once a month you each have a weekend day "off" and a weekend day where you have a sitter and you spend time together.
- Simplify everything else you can while with them. Meals? Pasta, tuna, mac and cheese -- all from boxes, please, no scratch. Cleaning? Relax your standards *and* know that 'picking up time' is a good habit for kids, too, and kills 20 minutes twice a day.
Lastly, regarding your dread of the weekend. Try spending a minute or two on Friday night or Saturday morning before the kid crush to just acknowledge it, shake hands with it. Because I found it easy to dread the dread, to make myself wrong for feeling exhausted, scattered, irritated, spread thin. Once I let myself acknowledge it straight-on and spend a few minutes telling myself it was real, it was reasonable, and it was not forever, and that I was up to it, it made it a lot better.
posted by cocoagirl at 6:54 AM on June 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
Thank you for asking this question. I have experienced this too. Here's what my experience has taught me:
- Every time I try to "save up" my introvert time to happen after my kid is in bed or at other specific designated times, I wind up thwarted and disappointed. I don't think you can wait to have recharge time on the weekends any more. You need to have daily recharge time and, personally, I would schedule it into my work day.
- On a related note, I too was used to hours and hours of recharge time. That just isn't available to me anymore and I have been surprised to discover that I CAN recharge in much less time. I recommend finding moments, any moment, and take three deep breaths to begin. Then take the time that you have right then to recharge.
- Speaking of recharging...what's happening in your mind when you were recharging back in the old days? Were you daydreaming about something? Trying to go completely "blank" or "spacey"? Focusing intently on a specific thing in the here and now? Figure out/remember the type of thinking you were doing. When you do find those moments to recharge, be intentional about what KIND of thinking/daydreaming/focusing you are going to do. This is a big struggle for me because I actually used recharge time to daydream, but if I go too long without it, I find myself "wasting" the time that I do have to disassociate/go blank.
- Everyone is absolutely right that activities are easier. We do literally the same thing every weekend and I recommend it. Kids thrive on routine/schedule/shared expectations. We go out twice a day every weekend day to one of four places: park/local playspace, pool, library, grandparent's house.
- This is related to my point above about your preferred type of recharging, but for me, I have found that it does recharge me to try to be super present with my kid for a few minutes. Here's my recipe for super presentness: (1) what can I feel on my body? Is there wind blowing or am I touching a smooth or rough surface? (2) what can I smell? (3) what can I taste? (4) what can I see? what's the most beautiful/interesting thing in my present view? and (my favorite) (5) what can I hear? what sounds can I notice beneath the sounds? Sometimes I talk to my daughter about this (she's almost two) and she seems very interested; it could be an "I Spy" game to play with kids that doubles as a mindfulness exercise.
Best of luck to you. I hear it gets better, but know that in the meantime, you deserve to care and love for the person inside of you.
posted by CMcG at 7:59 AM on June 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
- Every time I try to "save up" my introvert time to happen after my kid is in bed or at other specific designated times, I wind up thwarted and disappointed. I don't think you can wait to have recharge time on the weekends any more. You need to have daily recharge time and, personally, I would schedule it into my work day.
- On a related note, I too was used to hours and hours of recharge time. That just isn't available to me anymore and I have been surprised to discover that I CAN recharge in much less time. I recommend finding moments, any moment, and take three deep breaths to begin. Then take the time that you have right then to recharge.
- Speaking of recharging...what's happening in your mind when you were recharging back in the old days? Were you daydreaming about something? Trying to go completely "blank" or "spacey"? Focusing intently on a specific thing in the here and now? Figure out/remember the type of thinking you were doing. When you do find those moments to recharge, be intentional about what KIND of thinking/daydreaming/focusing you are going to do. This is a big struggle for me because I actually used recharge time to daydream, but if I go too long without it, I find myself "wasting" the time that I do have to disassociate/go blank.
- Everyone is absolutely right that activities are easier. We do literally the same thing every weekend and I recommend it. Kids thrive on routine/schedule/shared expectations. We go out twice a day every weekend day to one of four places: park/local playspace, pool, library, grandparent's house.
- This is related to my point above about your preferred type of recharging, but for me, I have found that it does recharge me to try to be super present with my kid for a few minutes. Here's my recipe for super presentness: (1) what can I feel on my body? Is there wind blowing or am I touching a smooth or rough surface? (2) what can I smell? (3) what can I taste? (4) what can I see? what's the most beautiful/interesting thing in my present view? and (my favorite) (5) what can I hear? what sounds can I notice beneath the sounds? Sometimes I talk to my daughter about this (she's almost two) and she seems very interested; it could be an "I Spy" game to play with kids that doubles as a mindfulness exercise.
Best of luck to you. I hear it gets better, but know that in the meantime, you deserve to care and love for the person inside of you.
posted by CMcG at 7:59 AM on June 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
One other thought — how’s bedtime working? Can you work on making it regular and earlyish to give yourself an evening break? (This may be hard in itself, but if you can make it work, there’s a couple of hours of weekend recharge time.)
posted by LizardBreath at 8:26 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by LizardBreath at 8:26 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
I also wanted to second the crucial need for not one but a stable of babysitters. We have no nearby family so we're always cultivating sitters so that a date night evening with the spouse is a reliable event (great for your sanity with regard to your relationship). Trusted sitters can take the kids to the local science museum or just to the park or pool, and bless them they can keep the kids out for hours where you or I might burn out after 45 minutes.
And seconding allowing yourself the occasional hot dogs and boxed Mac and cheese, or a recent innovation for my family: cheese plate night. They love the ability to select their own favorites and you can get as fancy (for you) or as low brow as you want with little more prep than selecting, slicing and plating (which the older one can help with a lot).
posted by abulafa at 8:41 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
And seconding allowing yourself the occasional hot dogs and boxed Mac and cheese, or a recent innovation for my family: cheese plate night. They love the ability to select their own favorites and you can get as fancy (for you) or as low brow as you want with little more prep than selecting, slicing and plating (which the older one can help with a lot).
posted by abulafa at 8:41 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
You might find this article helpful—it’s about how to help your kids learn solitary play skills. There are ideas for toddlers in here as well as older kids.
"Many parents believe that they should constantly engage with their children, but that mentality leaves no time for relaxation — and creates stress that your kids pick up on," says psychologist Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, PhD, coauthor of Einstein Never Used Flash Cards. In fact, training them to play on their own (what the experts call solitary play) is one of the greatest gifts you can bestow. "It's the downtime for scribbling, making a car out of a cardboard box, or exploring the backyard that fosters the skills your child needs to be successful and fulfilled: Creativity, critical thinking, and confidence," Hirsh-Pasek says.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:03 AM on June 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
"Many parents believe that they should constantly engage with their children, but that mentality leaves no time for relaxation — and creates stress that your kids pick up on," says psychologist Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, PhD, coauthor of Einstein Never Used Flash Cards. In fact, training them to play on their own (what the experts call solitary play) is one of the greatest gifts you can bestow. "It's the downtime for scribbling, making a car out of a cardboard box, or exploring the backyard that fosters the skills your child needs to be successful and fulfilled: Creativity, critical thinking, and confidence," Hirsh-Pasek says.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:03 AM on June 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
...allowing yourself the occasional hot dogs and boxed Mac and cheese...
Ahaha, I have one right in between yours' ages and I just buy the nice mac and cheese/hot dogs without HFCS and so on and embrace them as valid kid-food as long as the day's overall salt intake stays reasonable. (I have unique dietary needs so we'd not generally be eating the same things anyway; I realize some people have strong feelings about not making separate meals for kids but we have settled into the kid being allowed to choose from various easy things, including leftovers, if the main dish isn't appealing. We talk about macronutrients a lot and are beginning to work micros into the discussion, so can say something like "okay, you've chosen basically only carbs, so let's get some protein and fat in too" and the kid is aware of which foods qualify and can competently plan complete-ish meals.)
posted by teremala at 9:11 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
Ahaha, I have one right in between yours' ages and I just buy the nice mac and cheese/hot dogs without HFCS and so on and embrace them as valid kid-food as long as the day's overall salt intake stays reasonable. (I have unique dietary needs so we'd not generally be eating the same things anyway; I realize some people have strong feelings about not making separate meals for kids but we have settled into the kid being allowed to choose from various easy things, including leftovers, if the main dish isn't appealing. We talk about macronutrients a lot and are beginning to work micros into the discussion, so can say something like "okay, you've chosen basically only carbs, so let's get some protein and fat in too" and the kid is aware of which foods qualify and can competently plan complete-ish meals.)
posted by teremala at 9:11 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
I just remembered that one of the big attractions on weekends was "make your own burger night". I'd put out buns, burgers and toppings, and the kids would spend lots of time assembling whatever they liked. If I felt ambitious, I'd bake the buns, but most of the time I'd just buy everything and grill the burgers on our griddle. It looks like nothing on paper, but in real life, it was an activity that was also a meal and also made everyone happy. Fries from the freezer are optional.
posted by mumimor at 9:29 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by mumimor at 9:29 AM on June 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
Routines. You need routines. When things become routine you can do without overthinking or stressing. As an example say. When I had to babysit my neice & nephew every weekend (their parents worked hospitality so that was their busy times) Saturday is going to the library & stopping for coffees/babychinos afterwards then walk home through the park for lunch. Saturday afternoon is kids play by themselves time while I did whatever (housework, have some quiet time whatever) dinner is the same thing every week, x and a kids movie on tv, taco night, pizza & lego. Whatever works for you guys. My spagetti sauce was the only one they'd eat because we had it every Saturday. I'd make a huge batch & freeze it easy dinner for all 3 of us.
Routines are great for relieving mental stress, after the first few times it requires much less emotional energy to do a routine thing, kids thrive on routines and they are a great bonding experience. The Sunday evening is eat up the leftovers routine in our house was something we loved & still joke about decades years later. Yes routines are an effort to get started, but by week 3 you'll start to see the benefits of less mental energy being spent to do the "thing" you decide to do. Also the more time you spend with your kids, the easier they'll become to handle, it's like any skill the more you use it the better you get, spend more time with them in small controlled doses during the week not less, don't just save it for the weekends. The reason your wife is so relaxed with it all is she does it more.
posted by wwax at 10:16 AM on June 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
Routines are great for relieving mental stress, after the first few times it requires much less emotional energy to do a routine thing, kids thrive on routines and they are a great bonding experience. The Sunday evening is eat up the leftovers routine in our house was something we loved & still joke about decades years later. Yes routines are an effort to get started, but by week 3 you'll start to see the benefits of less mental energy being spent to do the "thing" you decide to do. Also the more time you spend with your kids, the easier they'll become to handle, it's like any skill the more you use it the better you get, spend more time with them in small controlled doses during the week not less, don't just save it for the weekends. The reason your wife is so relaxed with it all is she does it more.
posted by wwax at 10:16 AM on June 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
The advantage of them being so small is they still benefit from huge amounts of repetition around really basic skills they're still learning, like "running around" and "jumping up and down". They don't need to do a new different thing every day. If you have a staple set of things to do, like:
- play in the garden
- go to the library
- assemble sandwiches for lunch
- make crazy stuff with the things in the craft box
- play in the playground
then it's fine to assemble nearly every weekend around a sequence of these same things, which you do exactly the same way every time and thus you (and they) learn how to do these things more on autopilot.
Figure out a "leaving the house" routine and teach it to all of you. Have a "leaving the house" bag in which you keep enough spare pants / snacks / water bottles / towel / jumper / etc that you don't have to adjust your routine for too many emergencies.
If your 5yo will still nap, and if weather permits, put them both in the car at nap time, drive until they nap and then park up somewhere that you can sit somewhere quietly on a bench with a view right next to the car.
If you practice, you'll get into the hang of getting them just tired enough to crash out and be quiet for a while, without being so tired that they can't wind down for having tantrums!
posted by quacks like a duck at 11:02 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
- play in the garden
- go to the library
- assemble sandwiches for lunch
- make crazy stuff with the things in the craft box
- play in the playground
then it's fine to assemble nearly every weekend around a sequence of these same things, which you do exactly the same way every time and thus you (and they) learn how to do these things more on autopilot.
Figure out a "leaving the house" routine and teach it to all of you. Have a "leaving the house" bag in which you keep enough spare pants / snacks / water bottles / towel / jumper / etc that you don't have to adjust your routine for too many emergencies.
If your 5yo will still nap, and if weather permits, put them both in the car at nap time, drive until they nap and then park up somewhere that you can sit somewhere quietly on a bench with a view right next to the car.
If you practice, you'll get into the hang of getting them just tired enough to crash out and be quiet for a while, without being so tired that they can't wind down for having tantrums!
posted by quacks like a duck at 11:02 AM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
I skimmed because I'm watching my own three year old, but has anyone mentioned finding neighbors with kids or otherwise doing playdates? Sounds more draining? For me, it's really helpful to only have to do half the things and to alternate kid duty with other stuff -- instead of trying to cut apple slices and watch the kids, you're either cutting twice the apple slices or watching twice the kids. Then trade off (cleaning up 2x the snack plates or watching 2x the kids). So half the time you can space out and cut apple slices and recharge, and when you're with the kids you're not constantly trying to multitask to get the snack or whatever.
posted by slidell at 4:55 PM on June 15, 2019
posted by slidell at 4:55 PM on June 15, 2019
For me (conflict avoidant, introvert, father), meditation and the accompanying Buddhist philosophy (no religion, just the philosophy) would have made a huge difference. Unfortunately meditation arrived in my 50s and so I'm much more present for my dogs than I ever was for my children. This makes me sad, but part of the philosophy is not got getting hung up over things you can't control.
It's not a quick fix, it was about 2.5 years of 10-15 minutes daily for me before I really started noticing a difference. There were smaller things before, mostly just being a bit more relaxed. And I didn't really add the philosophy till around 2 years in. My kids are in their 20s and now I can sit with them and actually be there and not off in my head. It's great but I could have been a better parent if I could have done that when they were younger.
If you want an app I'd recommend Ten Percent Happier (and the podcast is great too). DM me or drop into r/Meditation and you can get lots of book recommendations.
posted by Awfki at 6:54 AM on June 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
It's not a quick fix, it was about 2.5 years of 10-15 minutes daily for me before I really started noticing a difference. There were smaller things before, mostly just being a bit more relaxed. And I didn't really add the philosophy till around 2 years in. My kids are in their 20s and now I can sit with them and actually be there and not off in my head. It's great but I could have been a better parent if I could have done that when they were younger.
If you want an app I'd recommend Ten Percent Happier (and the podcast is great too). DM me or drop into r/Meditation and you can get lots of book recommendations.
posted by Awfki at 6:54 AM on June 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
it gets better, yes!
in the meantime: how do they do with "nature" shows on TV, stuff like BBC Earth etc? I ask because I spent many blissful hours with my kids at around those ages, cuddling them on the couch while letting them watch BBC Earth (screentime was otherwise a restricted activity, so it wasn't like they were going to get bored with the nature stuff and demand Dora, it was Nature TV or no TV.) I didn't feel guilty about the TV because the shows really are beautiful and educational, and ain't no nap like the one you get cuddling a little one and listening to David Attenborough.
Also, and I preach this to every parent of littles, I had an early morning weekend babysitter who came on at least one weekend morning, preferably both, from 6-9 am. I paid her extra well for the weird hours, it was weekend activity pocket money for her that didn't otherwise interfere with her obligations, and it meant that on weekends, my husband and I could sleep "in" and go downstairs at 9 to kids who had already been fed, exercised at the park, and bathed. Awesome.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:12 AM on June 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
in the meantime: how do they do with "nature" shows on TV, stuff like BBC Earth etc? I ask because I spent many blissful hours with my kids at around those ages, cuddling them on the couch while letting them watch BBC Earth (screentime was otherwise a restricted activity, so it wasn't like they were going to get bored with the nature stuff and demand Dora, it was Nature TV or no TV.) I didn't feel guilty about the TV because the shows really are beautiful and educational, and ain't no nap like the one you get cuddling a little one and listening to David Attenborough.
Also, and I preach this to every parent of littles, I had an early morning weekend babysitter who came on at least one weekend morning, preferably both, from 6-9 am. I paid her extra well for the weird hours, it was weekend activity pocket money for her that didn't otherwise interfere with her obligations, and it meant that on weekends, my husband and I could sleep "in" and go downstairs at 9 to kids who had already been fed, exercised at the park, and bathed. Awesome.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:12 AM on June 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
For best results get the two-year old into an environment where they can make a mess. Anything that will keep them practicing gross and fine motor skills is good. This generally means hanging out somewhere outdoors or in a special maker space that can be cleaned afterwards. Ideal is the back yard if you have one, and it is cluttered with dirt, sticks, plants, pebbles, rocks, boulders, bushes, trees and leaves. and additional enrichment materials like a tap and a hose, some rope, some containers such as big plastic jars that peanut butter came in, something with wheels etc. if you are spending your time with the kids keeping them entertained and keeping them from entertaining themselves you will be bored and fed up and they will be bored and fed up. What you want is to be close enough to the two year old that they feel safe and can come to you if they want to practice social skills, but with enough room for them to be doing self directed play. The back yard should not look like a place where you want to bring adult visitors, it should be a place where the two year old can make mud slicks, whip a bush with the rope or stick until it is completely leafless, or do other pointless but competence building activities.
It is often helpful to have a small portable activity for you to do that is not too engrossing, like your phone or a book, but still feels productive, such as crochet work. If you can do something that mildly keeps you amused but still enables you to keep an eye on the toddler so that he doesn't strangle himself with the rope you suffer the hours on duty better. At the end of the month you will have an afghan and your hands will be busy, preventing you from interfering with the kid, and stopping such high value activities as filling the peanut butter jar with pebbles and pouring them into the lawn, over and over.
Take a look at the way kids are when at a daycare. Most of them are not interacting with the adults, they are in different activity centres, and doing parallel play.
Look for games you can propose that do not require your participation. Being a horsie, which gallops around on the grass and tears up handfuls to pretend to eat them, and rearing and drinking from a bucket by sticking your face into it, does not require adult participation, whereas being a horsie that has reins and needs to be driven round and around the lawn does require adult participation. But being the adult holding the reins so that the two year old can be a horsie, is a low value activity, as opposed to the game of "why?" where the child gets you to talk factually about things or an activity where you ask the children questions.
If you can get the kids to be doing more self-directed activities that saves you having to spend brain-energy interacting.
Your exhaustion and frustration is perfectly normal and appropriate to the situation you are in. Children are designed to be free range and to spend most of their time galloping around with packs of other children, inadequately supervised by the old kids. An adult is not supposed to be a captive audience for a kid. But we live in a society where the kids have to be closely supervised and kids are rare and given environments that are not suited to their needs - living rooms where they can't climb on the back of the sofa, and streets where the cars are lethal juggernauts, and the kids that they can play with are not their closely related cousins, but genetically and micro-culturally different, so you don't know who they are. And your kids know they can't do anything useful; the only thing they can do is be obedient or not, so all the social energies that they would in another time and culture have put into throwing stones at birds, and following the older kids around imitating them is instead spent on you; since they are social creatures it's going to mainly be a struggle for control -"Daddy, can I watch a video? Daddy, can you change the video? Mackenzie, get away from that drawer, we keep knives in there. Mackenzie, don't drop your wrapper on the floor. Daddy, he wrote on my paper. Make him stop!" You are right to be frustrated - both you and your kids need to get some distance from each other. You're frustrated and your partner is frustrated - and your kids are frustrated - because what you are doing has to be restricted so much.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:42 AM on June 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
It is often helpful to have a small portable activity for you to do that is not too engrossing, like your phone or a book, but still feels productive, such as crochet work. If you can do something that mildly keeps you amused but still enables you to keep an eye on the toddler so that he doesn't strangle himself with the rope you suffer the hours on duty better. At the end of the month you will have an afghan and your hands will be busy, preventing you from interfering with the kid, and stopping such high value activities as filling the peanut butter jar with pebbles and pouring them into the lawn, over and over.
Take a look at the way kids are when at a daycare. Most of them are not interacting with the adults, they are in different activity centres, and doing parallel play.
Look for games you can propose that do not require your participation. Being a horsie, which gallops around on the grass and tears up handfuls to pretend to eat them, and rearing and drinking from a bucket by sticking your face into it, does not require adult participation, whereas being a horsie that has reins and needs to be driven round and around the lawn does require adult participation. But being the adult holding the reins so that the two year old can be a horsie, is a low value activity, as opposed to the game of "why?" where the child gets you to talk factually about things or an activity where you ask the children questions.
If you can get the kids to be doing more self-directed activities that saves you having to spend brain-energy interacting.
Your exhaustion and frustration is perfectly normal and appropriate to the situation you are in. Children are designed to be free range and to spend most of their time galloping around with packs of other children, inadequately supervised by the old kids. An adult is not supposed to be a captive audience for a kid. But we live in a society where the kids have to be closely supervised and kids are rare and given environments that are not suited to their needs - living rooms where they can't climb on the back of the sofa, and streets where the cars are lethal juggernauts, and the kids that they can play with are not their closely related cousins, but genetically and micro-culturally different, so you don't know who they are. And your kids know they can't do anything useful; the only thing they can do is be obedient or not, so all the social energies that they would in another time and culture have put into throwing stones at birds, and following the older kids around imitating them is instead spent on you; since they are social creatures it's going to mainly be a struggle for control -"Daddy, can I watch a video? Daddy, can you change the video? Mackenzie, get away from that drawer, we keep knives in there. Mackenzie, don't drop your wrapper on the floor. Daddy, he wrote on my paper. Make him stop!" You are right to be frustrated - both you and your kids need to get some distance from each other. You're frustrated and your partner is frustrated - and your kids are frustrated - because what you are doing has to be restricted so much.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:42 AM on June 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
I too am an introvert who found my two boys draining.
I read to them *a lot*. For the most part, I can tune out while reading the latest Captain Underpants. It took a while to develop that skill, so start reading books you enjoy too. Adventures of Polo was a fun one for me because it didn't have words, so I could free form it according to my moods. I also slip in incongruities. I try and find a more descriptive sentence i can slip in, and see if they catch it. Now that they're 8 & 10, we can read our own books together too, and it's so amazing.
Don't feel bad about hiring help. You dropped the founder/manager line, so I'm assuming that you could afford to hire help - do it if you can. It doesn't make you less of a parent to bring help in, it makes you fortunate to be able to afford it. Whether that's someone to do cleaning or cooking or to watch the children while you recharge for a few hours is up to your family to decide.
Learn how to recharge in spurts. my spouse and I talk about buckets, and sometimes all you need is 15 min to fill your bucket enough to get you through to bedtime; we also talk to the boys about their buckets and how their actions fill or drain buckets.
posted by krieghund at 1:05 PM on June 17, 2019
I read to them *a lot*. For the most part, I can tune out while reading the latest Captain Underpants. It took a while to develop that skill, so start reading books you enjoy too. Adventures of Polo was a fun one for me because it didn't have words, so I could free form it according to my moods. I also slip in incongruities. I try and find a more descriptive sentence i can slip in, and see if they catch it. Now that they're 8 & 10, we can read our own books together too, and it's so amazing.
Don't feel bad about hiring help. You dropped the founder/manager line, so I'm assuming that you could afford to hire help - do it if you can. It doesn't make you less of a parent to bring help in, it makes you fortunate to be able to afford it. Whether that's someone to do cleaning or cooking or to watch the children while you recharge for a few hours is up to your family to decide.
Learn how to recharge in spurts. my spouse and I talk about buckets, and sometimes all you need is 15 min to fill your bucket enough to get you through to bedtime; we also talk to the boys about their buckets and how their actions fill or drain buckets.
posted by krieghund at 1:05 PM on June 17, 2019
I notice one key thing in your question that nobody seems to have addressed yet: you are the founder and manager of your own business.
This means that you are your own boss.
I'd encourage you to look at your existing work day and find some ways to shift your schedule around to give you recharge time *during the week.*
Statistically, humans don't really work for 8 solid hours, we go in spurts, with some good productive time and a lot more time where we're just sort of answering emails or filing or poking desultorily at a draft while actually reading something vaguely work-related online, right? What if you scheduled blocks of decompression time that were taken out of your *work* schedule? Unlike many people in similar situations, you don't have a boss watching the clock for you; you can make choices about how to prioritize your work and fill your days. What if you moved a project timeline out a week and took that week a few hours at a time to use as your introvert recharge zone? That would give you more refreshment and also not put more burden on your wife.
Additionally, look at your work day. Is it really necessary for it to be full of social stuff? Can you institute quiet hours or no-meeting Mondays or some similar thing to get work to be less draining? You are the boss, after all. You can choose how you run your business.
Give it some thought!
posted by oblique red at 10:07 AM on June 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
This means that you are your own boss.
I'd encourage you to look at your existing work day and find some ways to shift your schedule around to give you recharge time *during the week.*
Statistically, humans don't really work for 8 solid hours, we go in spurts, with some good productive time and a lot more time where we're just sort of answering emails or filing or poking desultorily at a draft while actually reading something vaguely work-related online, right? What if you scheduled blocks of decompression time that were taken out of your *work* schedule? Unlike many people in similar situations, you don't have a boss watching the clock for you; you can make choices about how to prioritize your work and fill your days. What if you moved a project timeline out a week and took that week a few hours at a time to use as your introvert recharge zone? That would give you more refreshment and also not put more burden on your wife.
Additionally, look at your work day. Is it really necessary for it to be full of social stuff? Can you institute quiet hours or no-meeting Mondays or some similar thing to get work to be less draining? You are the boss, after all. You can choose how you run your business.
Give it some thought!
posted by oblique red at 10:07 AM on June 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
(Not that I would ever consider this a solution, or recommend it, but just to share) As a pretty extreme introvert, I didn't start to feel like parenting was sustainable for me until I got divorced and had my kid half of every week. Yikes, I know, right? But I've heard the exact same thing from other divorcées, including extroverted people. Since we must all work full time until we die, this realistically means that I can count on one full weekend day and 2-3 nights per week all to myself. And that time is glorious, and usually recharges me. Now I'm able to be more present and patient and fun on the days that I have my kid. So, all of this is to say that you need to carve out time for yourself somehow. You will not ever become un-introverted. Your needs are not being met (neither are your wife's from how it sounds), and this can be really damaging to your relationship. (The nuclear family is sick and stupid, imo, but that's another conversation).
2ish and 5ish are brutal, especially combined. The age of 7 is when things really turned around for me and parenting became much more fun. Now we can talk, and do things, and watch plenty of TV and play video games together, and it's actually interesting. I'm still a space cadet a lot of the time, but I make sure to make fun of myself and let my kid know that dad realizes he's quiet and daydreamy and that she should not take it personally. I strive for at least one really good interaction (listening, making eye contact, sharing stories/emotions/deep thoughts) just once a day. And one good laugh together once a day. If I get both of those in, then I consider that a success and it doesn't matter if I'm kind of distracted the rest of the time.
Play dates are key. Make contact with other parents on weekends and offer to host for a couple hours. If you're like me, it might make you feel embarrassed/uncomfortable to reach out to people you don't know well, but it's so worth it to get those relationships in place. Also, try to get your kids involved in organized sports like soccer. Then you have a reason to leave the house on a Saturday or Sunday morning, and often an outlet for socializing/play after the game. Even an introverted person like me prefers this to sitting around at home in a depressed, bored torpor.
Finally, read The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson, which is the only "parenting" book I've ever found to be worthwhile.
posted by bennett being thrown at 5:09 PM on July 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
2ish and 5ish are brutal, especially combined. The age of 7 is when things really turned around for me and parenting became much more fun. Now we can talk, and do things, and watch plenty of TV and play video games together, and it's actually interesting. I'm still a space cadet a lot of the time, but I make sure to make fun of myself and let my kid know that dad realizes he's quiet and daydreamy and that she should not take it personally. I strive for at least one really good interaction (listening, making eye contact, sharing stories/emotions/deep thoughts) just once a day. And one good laugh together once a day. If I get both of those in, then I consider that a success and it doesn't matter if I'm kind of distracted the rest of the time.
Play dates are key. Make contact with other parents on weekends and offer to host for a couple hours. If you're like me, it might make you feel embarrassed/uncomfortable to reach out to people you don't know well, but it's so worth it to get those relationships in place. Also, try to get your kids involved in organized sports like soccer. Then you have a reason to leave the house on a Saturday or Sunday morning, and often an outlet for socializing/play after the game. Even an introverted person like me prefers this to sitting around at home in a depressed, bored torpor.
Finally, read The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson, which is the only "parenting" book I've ever found to be worthwhile.
posted by bennett being thrown at 5:09 PM on July 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Beyond that, I find structured activity to be a real boon. I know having two kids (one very small) makes that complex, but still.
--The people at Hands On As We Grow have put out a couple of activity books that are good for this age kid.
--I like the year course in kid outdoorsiness called Exploring Nature With Children,
--the free wild-kid dance workouts at Gonoodle,
--and the kid legos/drawing/simple machines activities made by the wonderful weirdoes at Jam.com (who are doing a thing this summer called "Camp DIY" that might be fun for your older kid).
I also find that I'm more peaceful when I'm meditating. I like the free, non-directive (TM-style) meditation app 1 Giant Mind and the free mega-meditation app Insight Timer (pretty sure that latter app even has specific meditations for harried parents, and they definitely have meditations for kids).
Finally, the thing that I have a really hard time with as an introvert parent is being able to get that sense of recharge. Even when I get free time alone, I tend to squander it on nonrestorative pursuits and/or on obsessing over my offspring. But when I do something restorative with my time, that tends to soften my edginess.
Mostly though it's just super hard! I think it gets better with time.
posted by hungrytiger at 1:13 AM on June 15, 2019 [27 favorites]