Are there sex clubs for introverts?
June 5, 2019 2:53 PM   Subscribe

Spouse and I will be in NYC in October. We were half joking/half not about going to a sex party. But we’re both introverts and to be honest would prefer not to engage with a lot of strangers. Is there such a place? Potentially ridiculous wish list inside.

We’re both cishet in case it’s relevant. Basically we’d like to watch people have sex, and maybe have sex with each other, but we don’t want to have sex with other people. Preferably somewhere nice, non-exploitative, and non-threatening, where our non-perfect middle-aged bodies are not out of place. I’ll be perfectly honest - ideally we don’t want to have to even talk to other people - somewhere we can just turn up and do our own thing like if we were just going to a bar.

This might be terribly offensive to people so apologies for that. I appreciate it sounds like some kind of terrible sex tourism when I know that what I’m saying we don’t want may make up people's perfectly great sex lives. And that’s totally cool! No judgement is involved at all. We’re just shy and socially awkward at the best of times, nakedish would be so much worse. And it may turn out to be 100% impossible so that’s cool too! It can just remain a fantasy, no big deal.

But lets just say such a place exists: where would we find it? What’s the protocol? What do we need to know? What would we wear? How expensive would it be? How would we make it clear we weren’t up for engagement with others? Should we just rent a porn movie in the hotel and be done with it?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
 
NYC actually bans sex clubs (a relic of the AIDS crisis), so your only options are privately-hosted events that have to fly somewhat under the radar (although sex parties are legally fine as long as they don't collect fees) (which a ton of them still do and mostly get away with). To find these, I would recommend you check out FetLife's events section. Sorry I can't recommend anything more specific!
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:33 PM on June 5


Oh, and I'd avoid anything geared toward swingers, because people will be much more likely to try to engage with you at those.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:34 PM on June 5 [1 favorite]


If you were asking about Toronto I could recommend just the place: Oasis Aqualounge. It's a casual, laid back sex club (with a daily membership fee, and entirely legal) with a strict no-harassment policy, and most days don't permit single men at all. One of the best things is that on entry you get a coloured wristband that indicates what you're into or if you don't want to be approached at all. So you can watch all you want, do your thing, whatever it is, and no one will interact with you.

I mention this just to say that what you are asking for is a thing that exists. (You can learn more about the venue and protocols about sex clubs in general by googling the name. They have a lot of info on the website.)
posted by seanmpuckett at 3:41 PM on June 5 [15 favorites]


Sex clubs are absolutely not banned in NYC. A lot of “sex-oriented businesses,” as the courts call them, are subject to pretty strict zoning laws, but they’re permitted to operate in NYC. Whether you actually want to go to them is another question.

OP, check out Club Labyrinth. If you want, feel free to MeMail me and I can talk about it in more detail.
posted by O Sock My Sock at 4:36 PM on June 5 [2 favorites]


Not a club, but what you might be looking for is finding a couple interested in soft swinging (aka same room sex) via FetLife or munches. You have to do some communication but if you're ok talking with a couple online ahead of time, you can keep in-person interaction to a minimum.
posted by Candleman at 5:55 PM on June 5


I can't recommend a specific place in NYC and I am no expert, but I have some experience with these places that I will share:

This might be terribly offensive to people so apologies for that. I appreciate it sounds like some kind of terrible sex tourism when I know that what I’m saying we don’t want may make up people's perfectly great sex lives.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about that because it actually can be a form of tourism. A lot of people go to these places on vacation, a lot of people who go are newbies.

But lets just say such a place exists: where would we find it?

Yelp and Google. Seriously. Then perhaps search for the club you're interested on Reddit--there's a good chance someone will have shared a personal experience. It's almost boring how it's like looking for any other business to patronize.

What’s the protocol? What do we need to know?

Clubs should have rules and procedures listed on their website. Their consent policy should be heavily emphasized.

What would we wear?

I've seen women wearing sexy dresses, men dressed a bit nicer than casual. Some places may have theme nights, some may have a dress code.

How expensive would it be?

Places I've been were up to, give or take, $100 per couple, which includes the membership fee, since these are private clubs.

How would we make it clear we weren’t up for engagement with others?

The good places put safety, security, non-harassment and consent above everything. Someone may approach you, you can say no and that should be the end of it. It's certainly not unusual to go to these places to just want to watch/be watched.

Should we just rent a porn movie in the hotel and be done with it?

You can do both! As long as you don't mind being out some money, you can always leave a place if you are uncomfortable. In fact, you can agree on this beforehand.

MeMail if you have questions.
posted by girlmightlive at 5:19 AM on June 6 [1 favorite]


Should we just rent a porn movie in the hotel and be done with it?

Having had other Sex Adventures, both successful and unsuccessful, I'd say you should at least have a fun private backup plan that you'd genuinely enjoy. Which might be getting some porn you'd look forward to watching in the hotel, or might be renting a hot tub if there's somewhere to do that, or might be whatever other thing would be fun. That way if the event you go to is awful, or skeevy, or if one of you ends up feeling weird about it, you can bail without worrying that you're ruining your (or your partner's) evening.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:11 AM on June 6 [1 favorite]


Oh man. Sub out “NYC” for “Toronto” and you and Oasis Aqualounge (as mentioned by seanmpuckett) would be PERFECT for each other. It’s a beautiful space, people are so friendly, non-judgemental and non-pushy, the heated outdoor pool and hot tub are amazing. If you don’t want to talk to anyone, you can wear the “not interested” red bracelets. You can wear nothing, nice lingerie, your regular undies or clothes, fetish gear, whatever. Honestly you stick out more if you’re wearing clothes of any kind. Most people walk around in towels (provided) and there are lots of body types, ages, races and genders. Honestly, if you’re ever in Toronto, definitely go there. (The Ramada Plaza Hotel even has a discount for Oasis guests — see the FAQ on the Oasis website.) And Toronto isn’t that far from NYC...

Anyway. It’s not terrible sex tourism! Why not go to a sex club in another city? People do it all the time.

Then perhaps search for the club you're interested on Reddit--there's a good chance someone will have shared a personal experience.
I googled “NYC sex club reddit” and found this.

Heck, maybe even make your own post asking about sex clubs in r/swingers (even if you’re not swingers). Hope you have an awesome time, whatever you end up doing.

BTW, I’m in no way affiliated with Oasis, just a huge fan.
posted by foxjacket at 4:47 PM on June 6


From a Mefite who wishes to stay anonymous:
Wonderland NYC! It's once a month sex party. Not sure if it's happening when you're going. You buy tickets in advance, and if it's your first time, you're asked to attend a consent workshop beforehand. Each month has a different costume/theme to get you in the door so it's worth investing in a cute costume to dress according to the party of the month. There is a dance room, a byob bar (know that they will kick out anyone remotely inebriated), and the play room. When I've gone I've only had sex with my partner while we enjoyed watching other couples/groups. There are kinksters there with fetish gear so it's a nice option if you want to ask to be introduced to something new. It's a great time with lovely people of many ages, physiques, ethnicities, and genders.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:25 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]


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