The most awkward birthday card I can find
June 3, 2019 1:34 AM Subscribe
My dear friends and I have an escalating situation where we send subtly awkward, uncomfortable birthday cards to each other and I am running out of options. What is your idea of a slightly inappropriate card?
I want to find (or have made?) cards that occupy a liminal space, subtly encroaching on "normal" expectations for a lovingly thoughtful card, but not crossing the line into being crass. Intentionally awkward or gross is not what I am looking for.
To calibrate the cultural expectations, we are all privileged white people from either the US or Britain. All of us are extremely progressive/feminist/anti-racist. Cards that verge on harassment, racism, or bigotry are a non-starter. Cards that have worked in the past are subtly sexually suggestive; mild (non-pornographic) depictions of nudity can be ok.
The last one was an abstract painting of a woman with prominent breasts, and an infant cradled in her arms. At the risk of over-explaining, it's not a humorous card, but in our circles it doesn't seem like there is a holiday that it works for, and definitely not (to me) as a birthday card.
Anonymous because they know my username but don't read AskMe, so I hope this is enough to keep them from finding the question on Google.
I want to find (or have made?) cards that occupy a liminal space, subtly encroaching on "normal" expectations for a lovingly thoughtful card, but not crossing the line into being crass. Intentionally awkward or gross is not what I am looking for.
To calibrate the cultural expectations, we are all privileged white people from either the US or Britain. All of us are extremely progressive/feminist/anti-racist. Cards that verge on harassment, racism, or bigotry are a non-starter. Cards that have worked in the past are subtly sexually suggestive; mild (non-pornographic) depictions of nudity can be ok.
The last one was an abstract painting of a woman with prominent breasts, and an infant cradled in her arms. At the risk of over-explaining, it's not a humorous card, but in our circles it doesn't seem like there is a holiday that it works for, and definitely not (to me) as a birthday card.
Anonymous because they know my username but don't read AskMe, so I hope this is enough to keep them from finding the question on Google.
There is nothing more awkward and uncomfortable than a dog staring at you while it poops.
posted by Weeping_angel at 3:15 AM on June 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Weeping_angel at 3:15 AM on June 3, 2019 [4 favorites]
The funniest cards to me are the ones that get the relationship slightly wrong. “You’re not just my aunt, you’re my friend!” to your friend. I’ve always wanted to get my mom a card that says “you’ve been like a mother to me!” For mother’s day.
Another category is number-related cards that are wrong, but “corrected.” For our 13th wedding anniversary, I used a card for a 13th birthday and fixed it as awkwardly as possible, so it said something like “I can’t believe you’re ateenager person I’ve been married to for a long time.” Or “Happy 43rd birthday to a special boy!” Etc.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:46 AM on June 3, 2019 [63 favorites]
Another category is number-related cards that are wrong, but “corrected.” For our 13th wedding anniversary, I used a card for a 13th birthday and fixed it as awkwardly as possible, so it said something like “I can’t believe you’re a
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:46 AM on June 3, 2019 [63 favorites]
I would go for a super-religious greeting card. Think: dove in a beam of sunlight, maybe with glitter for bonus points.
posted by third word on a random page at 4:12 AM on June 3, 2019 [14 favorites]
posted by third word on a random page at 4:12 AM on June 3, 2019 [14 favorites]
I have a group of friends that does this on occasion.
I think the best one so far has been the card with a sunset on front and a generic “every end is a new beginning” type message, then on the inside it read “Just wanted to let you know about my divorce”.
Hallmark specialty sections are gold for this (entering the priesthood is a good random one that has been found in those sections) or the Dollar Store (sometimes absurd in their less high-quality-ness).
posted by kellygrape at 4:18 AM on June 3, 2019 [14 favorites]
I think the best one so far has been the card with a sunset on front and a generic “every end is a new beginning” type message, then on the inside it read “Just wanted to let you know about my divorce”.
Hallmark specialty sections are gold for this (entering the priesthood is a good random one that has been found in those sections) or the Dollar Store (sometimes absurd in their less high-quality-ness).
posted by kellygrape at 4:18 AM on June 3, 2019 [14 favorites]
Check out the cards suitable to send to someone who is "going through this difficult time" The text inside is often very non-specific about their supportive intent, enough so that what appears to be a friendly Hi appears to have a sub-text of "You &$%#ed up, didn't you?"
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:19 AM on June 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:19 AM on June 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
Vintage cards can be the epitome of awkward. Search places like Etsy and Ebay for such vintage cards!
posted by Crystalinne at 4:31 AM on June 3, 2019
posted by Crystalinne at 4:31 AM on June 3, 2019
Finding birthday cards for friends, men and women started to get really tedious. So one day I get the idea to send adult friends cards meant for kids. It was a big hit. My favorite are the "Where's Waldo" cards.
posted by james33 at 4:52 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by james33 at 4:52 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
For a while I was giving my friends congratulatory potty training cards for their birthday. (HOORAY! YOU USED THE POTTY! AND YOU DID IT ALL BY YOURSELF!)
posted by Comrade_robot at 5:02 AM on June 3, 2019 [24 favorites]
posted by Comrade_robot at 5:02 AM on June 3, 2019 [24 favorites]
You could try looking in antique/second hand stores, some I've been to have had some lovely boxes of old cards and post cards that are wonderfully dated in their images and sentiments.
posted by gusottertrout at 5:09 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by gusottertrout at 5:09 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
I go to CVS and pick out the most sickeningly cheesy greeting card I can find. The best ones have some kind of religious message as well as going on and on about love, and over the top art (like “I thank God every day for bringing us together as I hold you in my arms, my beloved” accompanied by a rainbow, glittery watercolor of a beach). My siblings and I like to get these for my Dad, whose ideal card would be a blank piece of white paper.
posted by sallybrown at 5:36 AM on June 3, 2019 [23 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 5:36 AM on June 3, 2019 [23 favorites]
I still remember the "congratulations on joining the Marines" card with flags and eagles everywhere that a friend got me for my birthday one year.
(I, a middle-aged pacifist white lady, am not in the Marines.)
posted by Threeve at 5:55 AM on June 3, 2019 [17 favorites]
(I, a middle-aged pacifist white lady, am not in the Marines.)
posted by Threeve at 5:55 AM on June 3, 2019 [17 favorites]
My favourite for this sort of occasion is the 'with sympathy' card.
posted by pipeski at 5:55 AM on June 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by pipeski at 5:55 AM on June 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
Sharon Augustin seems promising. Pinterest is a treasure trove of Cathy sentiment. Cathy Thorne. This card was in print 35+ years ago, still makes me smile.
I don't like these, but maybe that's what you want.
posted by theora55 at 5:58 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
I don't like these, but maybe that's what you want.
posted by theora55 at 5:58 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
I saw a thing on (I think) Twitter a while back where someone just gave the card recipient the divider from the card rack at the card store. They didn't even sign it or anything, just gave them the thing that said "Birthday for Him" or whatever. I've been meaning to do that next time I go to a birthday party for someone who might appreciated it.
posted by bondcliff at 6:12 AM on June 3, 2019 [38 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 6:12 AM on June 3, 2019 [38 favorites]
Roughly one in twelve chance of this being a useful answer: there exists something called "December birthday cards" which are specifically for sending to people who have a birthday in December, and combine a birthday and Christmas card in one. They have always struck me as rather awkward, in the "I couldn't care enough to get you two cards" way.
posted by Jabberwocky at 6:37 AM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by Jabberwocky at 6:37 AM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
I'm not sure if this is what you are looking for, but...One thing I like to do is buy a card quite obviously intended for a child and blatantly edit it so it pertains to an adult.
For instance, get a card for a 5-year old (one of the ones with happy puppies done in Lisa Frank-ish colors and glitter, etc.) Make sure it one of the ones with a huge numeral 5 on it, then take a big black sharpie and write a numeral 2 in front of the five, turning it into a card for a 25-year-old. The 2 has to be done as bluntly and non-artistically as possible, like you were in a hurry and didn't give a crap.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:46 AM on June 3, 2019 [10 favorites]
For instance, get a card for a 5-year old (one of the ones with happy puppies done in Lisa Frank-ish colors and glitter, etc.) Make sure it one of the ones with a huge numeral 5 on it, then take a big black sharpie and write a numeral 2 in front of the five, turning it into a card for a 25-year-old. The 2 has to be done as bluntly and non-artistically as possible, like you were in a hurry and didn't give a crap.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:46 AM on June 3, 2019 [10 favorites]
My favorite card, which I think was basically from an Etsy artist, said on the front: "You're my second-best friend" and on the inside, "An honor still." I think the line was called Mean Girl cards, but googling for it now much brings up the Mean Girls movie and the cards were totally unrelated.
Bald Guy Greetings might have some cards up your alley as well.
posted by TwoStride at 6:47 AM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
Bald Guy Greetings might have some cards up your alley as well.
posted by TwoStride at 6:47 AM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
I find the ones focused on age pretty awkward and cringe-inducing. "Here''s a comment that's normally an insult! But I'm saying it as a joke! You're old, get it!? Lololol!" For example some of these.
posted by salvia at 7:28 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 7:28 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
If she's turning 37, get a "Now you are 3!!!" card, and write the '7' on there in scribbly ballpoint.
posted by amtho at 8:14 AM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by amtho at 8:14 AM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
Comrade Doll and I are deep into a perpetually escalating war of trying to find the most clangingly wrong card for each occasion. Bat mitzvah cards for birthdays, sorry about the loss of your pet for anniversaries, get well soon for mother's day, etc.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:20 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:20 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
The hands that make us pure as angels
Are the beautiful hands of a priest.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:39 AM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
Are the beautiful hands of a priest.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:39 AM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
I would laugh for hours upon receiving any of these very serious magical unicorn cards
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:41 AM on June 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:41 AM on June 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
Is GLITTER allowed? Cause that takes annoying to a whole 'nother level.
posted by ianhorse at 9:05 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by ianhorse at 9:05 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
For instance, get a card for a 5-year old (one of the ones with happy puppies done in Lisa Frank-ish colors and glitter, etc.) Make sure it one of the ones with a huge numeral 5 on it, then take a big black sharpie and write a numeral 2 in front of the five, turning it into a card for a 25-year-old.
Of course if you're gonna go that route, then you could go even further and try to find someone else who just celebrated a birthday and "recycle" one of their cards by drawing a line through the names of the giver and recipient and writing your own names in their place, keeping any bland personalizing remarks made in the card as if they were your own.
posted by gusottertrout at 10:47 AM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
Of course if you're gonna go that route, then you could go even further and try to find someone else who just celebrated a birthday and "recycle" one of their cards by drawing a line through the names of the giver and recipient and writing your own names in their place, keeping any bland personalizing remarks made in the card as if they were your own.
posted by gusottertrout at 10:47 AM on June 3, 2019 [6 favorites]
I'm going to nth the recommendation to find the most treacly thing you can find. If the text rhymes and doesn't scan, that's even better. My mother once had an ongoing contest with a friend as to who could send the most nauseating birthday cards back and forth, and it was hilarious.
posted by holborne at 10:54 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by holborne at 10:54 AM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Someone sent me this one a few years ago and it still cracks me up.
posted by Mchelly at 10:57 AM on June 3, 2019
posted by Mchelly at 10:57 AM on June 3, 2019
If she's turning 37, get a "Now you are 3!!!" card, and write the '7' on there in scribbly ballpoint.
It should be written in a functional adult hand with a Sharpie or Marks-A-Lot, or dry-erase pen, like you forced your assistant to do it.
posted by rhizome at 11:00 AM on June 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
It should be written in a functional adult hand with a Sharpie or Marks-A-Lot, or dry-erase pen, like you forced your assistant to do it.
posted by rhizome at 11:00 AM on June 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
Happy Birthday to a Special Nun
(Which would be quite lovely for an actual nun.)
posted by mochapickle at 11:11 AM on June 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
(Which would be quite lovely for an actual nun.)
posted by mochapickle at 11:11 AM on June 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
Check out the belated birthday card section.
Here are some musical e-cards. Not sure if they are awkward or just odd.
Don't forget musical cards.
Perhaps a nice overly Christian. card.
posted by BoscosMom at 11:55 AM on June 3, 2019
Here are some musical e-cards. Not sure if they are awkward or just odd.
Don't forget musical cards.
Perhaps a nice overly Christian. card.
posted by BoscosMom at 11:55 AM on June 3, 2019
oh this one! Come on, send this one. If necessary just use a sharpie to cross out "Yuletide" and put "birthday".
creepy owl says send this one
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:22 PM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
creepy owl says send this one
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:22 PM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
@Jabberwocky As someone with a near-Christmas birthday, that sounds like the worst kind of card. But for me to buy to give to almost ANYONE else? Hilarious.
posted by kellygrape at 12:30 PM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by kellygrape at 12:30 PM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
I have a mug that says "You are the love of my son's life and also my friend."
It's a cream-colored mug and the overly-serif-ed font is a hideous shade of salmon, except for the "my friend," which is inexplicably green.
Just imagining the person who created it makes me cringe a little.
posted by aspersioncast at 4:09 PM on June 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
It's a cream-colored mug and the overly-serif-ed font is a hideous shade of salmon, except for the "my friend," which is inexplicably green.
Just imagining the person who created it makes me cringe a little.
posted by aspersioncast at 4:09 PM on June 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
A friend sent me 1/2 of a card on my half birthday. Impressive.
posted by theora55 at 4:18 PM on June 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 4:18 PM on June 3, 2019 [2 favorites]
If you can co-ordinate, an entire group getting someone the same card is extremely satisfying.
posted by eyeofthetiger at 4:25 PM on June 3, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by eyeofthetiger at 4:25 PM on June 3, 2019 [10 favorites]
Are they a Simpsons fan? You could print out some screen shots:
Wish you were her.
I couldn't afford to buy you a new drum, but how about a pair of bongos?
posted by 445supermag at 8:30 PM on June 3, 2019
Wish you were her.
I couldn't afford to buy you a new drum, but how about a pair of bongos?
posted by 445supermag at 8:30 PM on June 3, 2019
Are they a Simpsons fan? You could print out some screen shots:
No need for screenshotting. Frinkiac.com has you covered, in spades.
(Go to frinkiac.com. It's ridiculously simple.)
posted by intermod at 8:43 PM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
No need for screenshotting. Frinkiac.com has you covered, in spades.
(Go to frinkiac.com. It's ridiculously simple.)
posted by intermod at 8:43 PM on June 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Some of the Hallmark Maxine cards are cringe-y. You could copy the graphics and add your own even more tooth-hurting sayings. You can buy blank printable cards at Staples. I may start doing this.
posted by theora55 at 9:48 PM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 9:48 PM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
May I recommend perusing the offerings of Blue Mountain Arts?
posted by ocherdraco at 9:56 AM on June 7, 2019
posted by ocherdraco at 9:56 AM on June 7, 2019
I think you should send this card and write "Big birthday hug!" on the backside.
posted by Herr Zebrurka at 12:21 AM on June 9, 2019
posted by Herr Zebrurka at 12:21 AM on June 9, 2019
A friend just posted that it was their 66.666th birthday, so I made a graphic and posted 66.666% of it. I was amused, that's what matters, right?
posted by theora55 at 10:50 AM on June 9, 2019
posted by theora55 at 10:50 AM on June 9, 2019
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posted by honey-barbara at 3:14 AM on June 3, 2019 [5 favorites]