How do we help our son get over his fear of bees and other insects?

May 16, 2019 5:06 PM

Our son (turning six in a few months) is terrified of bees and (to a lesser extent) other flying insects. How can we help him deal with this?

Our son—nearly six years old--is incredibly terrified of bees. It's really bad. Today when we were walking to the park he spotted one (or maybe some other large insect--we were about 100 feet away) and flipped. He was holding my hand and suddenly started running in the other direction crying. He refused to keep going and insisted we cross the street to avoid it.

It causes problems at school, too: there have been times where he's stayed in side because he's anxious about bugs in the playground, and sometimes other kids will tell him there is a bee to incite his reaction. He can get pretty upset about this.

He was fine until a point last summer: he was at daycare and something must have happened. He wasn't stung or anything, but we think one of the other kids was telling him that bees can sting and this started it all. He does get upset when other insects are flying around too, but not nearly to the extent of bees. It seems to be mostly flying insects, probably in part due to the erratic flight pattern. Spiders don't seem to bother him much. He doesn't like them, but he can calmly tell us he's spotted one. Ants are no issue--he "feeds" grass to the ants in the backyard.

We've tried talking to him about what he's afraid of and he can't really say; we've tried to explain that the bees won't hurt him if he leaves them alone, but this is clearly not about logic.

He is generally a sensitive, timid kid--he's not a risk-taker by any means--but looking at a summer including day camps and outdoors time and we want to try to help him cope. What can we do?

posted by synecdoche to Grab Bag (19 answers total)

Old school bug collecting? Start with the easy things, catch one of each, put it in the euthanasia jar, pin them to a board and label them. Bonus: it's educational and a good science fair project and he may turn into an entomologist. Look at them under a magnifying glass or microscope. Get to know them slowly.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:25 PM on May 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Do you have a butterfly sanctuary near you, or an indoor garden that has a butterfly habitat? Those can be good, safe places to experience friendly insects.
posted by phunniemee at 5:41 PM on May 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

Do you have a natural history museum near you? Some have butterfly houses and they are very colorful and docile, kid-friendly insects, as it goes. Some also offer classes that might include kid-friendly introductions to flying insects.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 5:43 PM on May 16, 2019

Express your love of and fascination with insects of all sorts. They are amazing!

If you don’t already love insects, and in general: cultivate within yourself what you want your young children to enjoy. This could mean reading about bugs, looking up pictures of bugs, pointing out and discussing bugs, etc.

Feel free to MeMail me if you want to discuss further, there are lots of angles but the main thing is interest and enthusiasm on your part,
IMO.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:45 PM on May 16, 2019

Look at the issue through sensory aspects. Does the sound of humming affect him? The vibration of the wings? The fear/powerlessness of the sting? See what he says about all of that. And maybe it will get you closer to what aspects of it you need to address.
posted by MountainDaisy at 6:02 PM on May 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

When I was a little older than your son, my mom contacted the head of the department of entomology at the local university because I was into science and liked collecting bugs. He was willing to spend an afternoon hanging out and introducing me to his bugs. If there is a university with a similar department in your area, I bet that if you called and explained the situation, someone would be happy to find some "friendly" bugs to show your son. A professor could also explain all of the helpful things bugs do for us, including pollinating our food, and maybe show your son some unusual or interesting specimens.

My trip ended with the professor giving me an aquarium full of Madagascar hissing cockroaches and promising my mom they'd die within six months. Happily (for me), the colony thrived and I raised many generations of cute little hissers.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 6:04 PM on May 16, 2019 [7 favorites]

Collect all kinds of dead insects wherever you can find them and examine them under a kid-friendly magnifying glass. Also watch animated educational films about bees together. Follow with real documentaries about them. Teach your little boy how to "freeze" around insects. Do the same. Be a cool cat around buzzing insects as often as possible. Put on a little insect repellent together when you go outside. Keep a fly swatter handy and use it while in your cool cat mode. It's going to take time, but you can scale this down little by little.
posted by Elsie at 6:10 PM on May 16, 2019

Do you have fireflies/lightening bugs where you live? That might be a cool way to get him to see bugs as fun rather than scary
posted by raccoon409 at 6:15 PM on May 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm going to issue a dissent about bees in the specific, or at least point out something that I definitely thought as a child - bee stings hurt. Getting hurt is not fun. You want to not get hurt again. It makes sense to try to avoid things that get you hurt. That is what your son's mindset is right now, and it makes perfect sense, and anything that tries to talk him out of that mindset is probably going to fail.

Mind you, I am NOT saying to just let him be afraid of insects. But I'm seeing everyone else say to sort of thrust him at bees and bugs to sort of shock him out of it, and not only is that probably not the right approach, it invalidates his very real and perfectly logical response to not wanting to get hurt. I wasn't quite as afraid of bees as your child, but I always, always, ALWAYS thought that grown-ups were being completely stupid by telling me to handle bees by "just ignore them, don't run away" because "that bee can sting me, and bee stings hurt, and I don't want to be hurt, why aren't you letting me run the heck away???" (Frankly, If my parents had tried to get me to study bees or collect them, that would have been even more scary and confusing - "wait, not only are you not letting me run away from something that hurts, you're trying to get me to PLAY WITH IT???")

Instead of trying to reason him out of his fear right now, maybe try getting him to manifest it differently. What I mean is -

"Yeah, it's scary to think about being stung, huh? That makes sense that you'd want to run away. The thing about bees, though, is that when they see you running, that might scare the bee too. And sometimes when bees get scared, that makes them want to sting you even more. So maybe instead of running away real fast, maybe try sneaking away quietly. Maybe we can try that instead?...."

You know? Go for the behavior, not the fear itself. The fear is coming from a very logical place; it's the behavior that's complicating things. You can change the behavior while still respecting the fear.

But PLEASE don't try to invalidate his fear by signing him up for bug exhibits at the museum or anything like that. His fears are real, what you want to do is help him process them differently. It's a behavior issue, not a fear issue.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:31 PM on May 16, 2019 [42 favorites]

How about watching some "friendly bee" videos (e.g.). Seeing up close how docile bees usually are can be reassuring.
posted by bricoleur at 7:31 PM on May 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

My first thought is that he should be allowed to express his fear of bees/insects and boundaries about them without shaming. I'm not saying you are shaming him, by the way. I just hope there are some ways he can assert his right to have boundaries with his friends and desire to play someplace he deems more fun/relaxing.

I was uncontrollably fearful of bees up until my late 30s. The only thing that really changed it was having my house taken over by 10k swarming honeybees who had gotten stuck in my laundry room. I hired a "bee guy" who safely removed and rehomed in. While watching him do his job and talking with him I developed an immense respect for honeybees and their importance in the ecosystem. He also taught me about how beekeepers keep themselves safe from stings and keep the bees calm. It was enough to make me semi-interested in donning a beekeeper suit and going out to a hive to extract honey with a pro.

I wonder if there are local beekeepers or professional bee removers who offer programs for kids to learn this stuff and get some exposure to the whole process. I know there are kid-sized bee protection suits.

That said, I still go back to the importance of boundaries. I still refuse to eat outside in late September/October when yellowjackets are extra aggressive and I'm okay with that. Fuck yellowjackets.
posted by joan_holloway at 7:45 PM on May 16, 2019 [4 favorites]

Please don't kill insects and put pins through them. 1) That would have squicked me out as a child; 2) I did do some projects involving glue and dead insects, but I regret them now; 3) Insects need to be protected, unless they're a threat, so I'm strongly in favor of treating them with respect.

They're intricate, jewel-like, and beautiful. Maybe look for a beautifully illustrated entomology ish book or children's book. Having a nice story about a bee could change his perspective.
posted by amtho at 8:16 PM on May 16, 2019 [11 favorites]

The thing about phobias is that they are not necessarily logical or rational. It might be about being stung. It might be because bees have six legs and stripes. It might be because they are weird and alien and have a strange behaviour. And regardless of all of this it might not be clear to him that any of these things are the reason. Adults who are afraid of insects, spiders or birds are simply afraid, not necessarily with any reason they can explain and not necessarily because the object of the phobia is objectively threatening.

You can talk to him about it, but bear in mind that it might be easier, if your insurance will cover it, to get him to talk to a professional about it.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 8:43 PM on May 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

Don't frame this as being about bees and flying bugs specifically. The world is full of lots of scary things and you describe him as sensitive and timid so it's not like there won't be more things like this as he experiences life. Instead, help him figure out how to have good responses to his own fear. When you're scared your body does things that are hard to control, and that in itself can be scary. Learning to be okay with feeling fear while taking calm action is a lifelong thing but extraordinarily useful to begin early on.

Because this isn't about logic you won't be able to be like "bees won't sting you if you don't hurt them", you have to be like "bees are scary to you, and being scared can make you upset. So let's learn ways for you to not be so upset about being scared."

You might start by showing him how to do some really simple breathing and counting exercises, as something to help him calm down and refocus when he gets scared. You can ask him to identify what he's feeling - you already have a good start on that, but giving him clear and succinct ways to communicate a complicated thing to you is going to be really helpful in the future. He might have a comfort object that helps him feel safe, that he could go get when he identifies that he's scared, and if he doesn't have one now you could find one together. Something like a comfy jacket, or a pair of sunglasses might be very useful to help him physically ground himself and be socially acceptable in school. There's also things like worry rocks or fidget jewelry that can be especially good. When you're scared to the point of running away, but running away isn't acceptable behavior, having some kind of physical method of getting that energy out can be a lifesaver.

I think you should talk to his school about the teasing behavior in class, if it's at all feasible.
posted by Mizu at 8:56 PM on May 16, 2019 [12 favorites]

Have you had his vision tested? I'm pretty scared of birds because my depth perception is TERRIBLE.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:13 AM on May 17, 2019

A mom friend went through something similar with her child and decided to find a therapist to work with her daughter. There were a lot of other anxious behaviors in the mix but her fear of bees and wasps to a near-panic attack level was affecting her school experience and friendships. The therapist helped a lot and while her daughter a year later isn’t fond of bees or insects, she no longer melts down about them or does unsafe panic behaviors like running into the street.
posted by amanda at 7:50 AM on May 17, 2019

I think one of the biggest benefits of taking him to a bug garden or visiting a local entomologist or whatever would be in helping him differentiate between bees and other stinging insects (where some avoidance is rational) and harmless flying insects that pose no threat.

And there are definitely ways to behave around bees and wasps that minimize the chances of getting stung, and panicking in a way that causes you to make sudden physical movements is not one of them. You can tell him about this guy you sorta know on the internet who got caught smack in the middle of a giant swarm of bees when he was about ten, expected to die screaming, but laid flat on the ground and waited for the swarm to pass by. I didn't get stung.

He's five, if the behavior is going to change, it'll probably change on its own schedule, but in the meantime you can give him knowledge and tools to help him coexist with the insects in his world. And yeah, talk to the school about his classmates tormenting him about this.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:16 AM on May 17, 2019

Does he know that bees do a lot of good things for us (pollinating, making honey, etc.) and that male honeybees (drones) don't sting? That when honeybees are swarming they're looking for a new home, not out on a group attack? I've had beehives and worked them in a suit, and learning more about bees really made me appreciate and respect them, and it might help reduce his fear. Bee stings still hurt some, and the sound of an agitated group of bees can still be scary, so I don't think it's a good idea to start with an immersive approach or just dismiss his fear (which you don't seem to be doing).Continuing to probe to figure out what part of it scares him could help you come up with a more targeted solution.

I think the goal is to reduce his fear enough so that he can cope with it. Some options:
-videos/documentaries (honeybees and beekeeping are sort of trendy right now, so I'm sure there's stuff on youtube, just not sure what would be right for your 6 year old).
-books about bees and insects
-learning about bee suits (like the veil and protective suits/gloves beekeepers use) and maybe even trying one on (inside the house where he knows there aren't bees) could be fun. They make youth size suits, and my local beekeeping club has a youth program with loaner suits.
-Maybe talking to a beekeeper
-Visiting an observation hive. My local museum also has an observation hive--the bees have a tube to enter/exit the hive, which is in the building, but the hive is glass so you can see them without any risk of being stung.
-Learn about different flying insects, especially ones that look like bees, to know which can sting and which can't (e.g., there's a fly that looks like a bee but it looks like a bee so other things will leave it alone, it can't actually sting or hurt you)
-Talking about fears and what we do when we're scared, how to calm ourselves down
-Think of strategies that would make him feel a little more in control when he's outside

Come up with a plan for what he should do if he sees a bee while he's outside and things he can do to lower his chances of getting stung (which are generally low, if that's even what he's afraid of), like being calm if he sees one (don't swat at it), wearing light colored clothes, or not hanging around by food/snacks (like if you have food outside bees might come to check it out) or avoiding the flowering bushes.

If he's afraid of being stung, also coming up for a plan of what to do if that happens might relieve some of the anxiety of the unknown. Generally, you should remove the stinger as soon as possible, wash the area, and then cold compress/ice; if he knows this and can tell the teacher (for example, if he's worried about being stung while you're not there). One trick I know people use is to remove the stinger with a credit card in a sort of scraping/flick motion (rather than using fingers and potentially smooshing the stinger deeper in). Would he feel empowered to always have a stinger remover with him (old gift card or hotel room key)? Would it help if he could bring a bandanna to recess or when he plays outside, if he feels like he wants to cover his neck or tie it around his arms/legs for protection (might not want to do this at school if kids will target him).
posted by kochenta at 12:29 PM on May 17, 2019

Just seen this. I am a person who has been known to do exactly what you describe, running panic-stricken (including across roads regardless of traffic) from insects other people haven't even noticed, or crossing the road to avoid walking past a distant insect.

From very early childhood, I was phobic of buzzing, flying insects: wasps, bees, big flies. My mother went out of her way to point out to me, over and over again, that flies were harmless and that bees were busy doing their own thing and had no interest in me. My fear of flies had dropped off by the time I was five or six, and my fear of bees by eleven or so. My fear of wasps, however, intensified until I went through a course of desensitisation with a CBT specialist in my early twenties. That helped a great deal, but it didn't get rid of the phobia completely, and it's got gradually stronger again over the twenty years since (and/or my general stress levels have risen), to the extent that I've just sought treatment again.

I'm generally fascinated by insects. I used to keep stick insects as pets. I was thrilled the other day to be able to rescue an upside-down stag beetle with my bare hands. In the abstract, I think wasps are really interesting. I even think they're beautiful. Doesn't help: if one comes near me, I'm up and running before I know what's happening.

The phobia may wear off of its own accord. If it doesn't, you may not be able to help him overcome it, but a professional probably can - though it may take some trial and error to find the right person and the right approach. But even in the worst case, if he's stuck with the phobia into adulthood, he'll learn coping strategies. (I'll be honest, mine are mostly avoidance strategies, but.)

I don't know what it's like to be the adult keeping company with the phobic child. I do know that as the phobic child, I needed the adults around me to stay calm when I couldn't, and not to be angry with me for something I couldn't control.

One concrete suggestion if the phobia looks to be sticking around: Learn as much as you can about the lifecycle in your region of the insects he's most afraid of. There are probably times of year when they aren't about, or when their behaviour is less threatening. (For instance, here in the UK, you generally won't see bees at all over the winter, bumblebees usually show up earlier in the spring than honeybees or wasps, and wasps aren't interested in sugar (and hence in picnics and people) until mid-July or so.) I wish I had known a lot sooner that I didn't have to be pre-emptively scared on every sunny day.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 3:38 AM on June 11, 2019 [1 favorite]