What is the proper response to "You're too sensitive"?
May 7, 2019 6:35 PM Subscribe
I am the designated scapegoat in a psuedo-recovered (by this I mean dry, but still dysfunctional habit and thought patterns) alcoholic family. Please give me replies sorted by want to keep the relationship and don't care if I keep the relationship. Assume professional treatment (although I am not sure about them, save an occasional meeting).
- want to keep the relationship: When you say that, I feel sad for the damage you've done to yourself with alcohol.
- don't care if I keep the relationship: fuck off into the sun, turd biscuit.
posted by scruss at 6:49 PM on May 7, 2019 [17 favorites]
Want to keep the relationship:
There is no such thing as "too sensitive." This is me. This is my authentic response to [whatever just was said.] If you care about me, you'll act in a way that makes things comfortable for both of us.
Don't care if you keep the relationship:
OK then. Oh my, look at the time, I forgot I have to BLAH, take care! (LEAVE.)
posted by nantucket at 6:52 PM on May 7, 2019 [15 favorites]
There is no such thing as "too sensitive." This is me. This is my authentic response to [whatever just was said.] If you care about me, you'll act in a way that makes things comfortable for both of us.
Don't care if you keep the relationship:
OK then. Oh my, look at the time, I forgot I have to BLAH, take care! (LEAVE.)
posted by nantucket at 6:52 PM on May 7, 2019 [15 favorites]
"OR, you're being inappropriate."
(Either route.)
posted by Lyn Never at 6:55 PM on May 7, 2019 [9 favorites]
(Either route.)
posted by Lyn Never at 6:55 PM on May 7, 2019 [9 favorites]
I think that this is a thing that you could obsess about but that doesn't matter very much. If you don't want to keep the relationship, then cut them off. If you do want to keep the relationship, then refuse to engage. When they say that you're too sensitive, tell them that you understand that that is their perspective, and then move on. There is nothing you can do or say that is going to change your family members, and trying to come up with the appropriate zinger is not a good use of your time or emotional energy.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:57 PM on May 7, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:57 PM on May 7, 2019 [5 favorites]
My mother, in a similar dynamic, used to say, "No, you're just being an asshole." It didn't change the dynamic, but it made her feel a lot better. (And in private, other family members thanked her for it.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:59 PM on May 7, 2019 [30 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:59 PM on May 7, 2019 [30 favorites]
Keep the relationship:
* My sensitivity is part of who I am and is not something I can or will change just because others don't like it.
* Sorry if my personality makes you uncomfortable, but I cannot change my natural level of sensitivity any more than you can.
Don't keep the relationship:
* Thank you
Sometimes when people tick me off but it's not worth my while to get into it with them I'm smile in a way that they should probably know is a "fuck you" smile if they were paying attention, and then get on with whatever I was doing before they bothered me.
I once had some luck with someone who was trying to argue that I should change some baked-in aspect of my personality (her statement was something like "I can do this so you can too") by saying "okay then, why don't you just sing? I can do it, therefore surely you can." She doesn't sing and is also a reasonable person, so that ended the discussion.
posted by bunderful at 7:07 PM on May 7, 2019 [5 favorites]
* My sensitivity is part of who I am and is not something I can or will change just because others don't like it.
* Sorry if my personality makes you uncomfortable, but I cannot change my natural level of sensitivity any more than you can.
Don't keep the relationship:
* Thank you
Sometimes when people tick me off but it's not worth my while to get into it with them I'm smile in a way that they should probably know is a "fuck you" smile if they were paying attention, and then get on with whatever I was doing before they bothered me.
I once had some luck with someone who was trying to argue that I should change some baked-in aspect of my personality (her statement was something like "I can do this so you can too") by saying "okay then, why don't you just sing? I can do it, therefore surely you can." She doesn't sing and is also a reasonable person, so that ended the discussion.
posted by bunderful at 7:07 PM on May 7, 2019 [5 favorites]
Captain Awkward has tons of very detailed, situation-sensitive scripts for stuff like this.
posted by matildaben at 8:07 PM on May 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by matildaben at 8:07 PM on May 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
"You might be right. Well, gotta run! It's been nice chatting."
Works in either case. For the second scenario, just don't respond to texts/phonecalls/etc ever again.
posted by ananci at 8:09 PM on May 7, 2019 [4 favorites]
Works in either case. For the second scenario, just don't respond to texts/phonecalls/etc ever again.
posted by ananci at 8:09 PM on May 7, 2019 [4 favorites]
This is me in my dumb family! Dad was the drunk, mom was the narcissist, sister had a lot of medical issues and I was the spooky sensitive one (and, tbh, probably have some sensory issues). And all the crabby people would pile on me or tease me about things and I'd be fairly annoyed. My responses would range, from wiseass to "trying to not be a dick"
- "I can't start loving to eat eggs any more than you can stop drinking/smoking"
- "It's funny how I'm only described as 'too sensitive' when I'm in this weird family"
- "My level of sensitivity to this (adjective) situation is actually pretty normative. I'm not sure why you're making a thing out of it"
- "Eh, it's just another manifestation of our family's irritability, we all have it affecting us in some way" (followed with pointed eyebrow raised stare stare)
- staring at someone and asking "Why would you say that?"
But honestly if someone is just ribbing me I'll just wander off. I'm always the sensitive one and if they want to believe I'm crying into my drink (instead of bitching into my phone) they are welcome to.
posted by jessamyn at 8:47 PM on May 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
- "I can't start loving to eat eggs any more than you can stop drinking/smoking"
- "It's funny how I'm only described as 'too sensitive' when I'm in this weird family"
- "My level of sensitivity to this (adjective) situation is actually pretty normative. I'm not sure why you're making a thing out of it"
- "Eh, it's just another manifestation of our family's irritability, we all have it affecting us in some way" (followed with pointed eyebrow raised stare stare)
- staring at someone and asking "Why would you say that?"
But honestly if someone is just ribbing me I'll just wander off. I'm always the sensitive one and if they want to believe I'm crying into my drink (instead of bitching into my phone) they are welcome to.
posted by jessamyn at 8:47 PM on May 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
just a shrug works.
"actually, you're being mean" is also ok.
it doesn't really matter all that much what you say in these situations as long as you're not either escalating a fight or making yourself a rewarding target by giving a juicy reaction.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:12 PM on May 7, 2019 [3 favorites]
"actually, you're being mean" is also ok.
it doesn't really matter all that much what you say in these situations as long as you're not either escalating a fight or making yourself a rewarding target by giving a juicy reaction.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:12 PM on May 7, 2019 [3 favorites]
Nope. I'm having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation/behavior.
posted by stormyteal at 9:20 PM on May 7, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by stormyteal at 9:20 PM on May 7, 2019 [5 favorites]
Want to keep the relationship: “Maybe. But we are not going to have a productive conversation if that is how you choose to frame the issue, so I’m going to hang up now.” Hang up immediately. Repeat every time.
Don’t want to keep the relationship: “Maybe. But we are not going to have a productive conversation if that is how you choose to frame the issue, so I’m going to hang up now.” Hang up immediately. Don’t repeat, because don’t pick up next time they call.
posted by suncages at 10:05 PM on May 7, 2019 [9 favorites]
Don’t want to keep the relationship: “Maybe. But we are not going to have a productive conversation if that is how you choose to frame the issue, so I’m going to hang up now.” Hang up immediately. Don’t repeat, because don’t pick up next time they call.
posted by suncages at 10:05 PM on May 7, 2019 [9 favorites]
Option 1: *raise an eyebrow*...right....
Option 2: Or you're an asshole. The world may never know...
posted by Toddles at 10:21 PM on May 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
Option 2: Or you're an asshole. The world may never know...
posted by Toddles at 10:21 PM on May 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
Keep: “We’re done here. See you next week!”
Don’t: “We’re done here.”
Keep: “Fuck off.”
Don’t: “Fuck off.”
posted by at at 10:58 PM on May 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
Don’t: “We’re done here.”
Keep: “Fuck off.”
Don’t: “Fuck off.”
posted by at at 10:58 PM on May 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
Unhelpful sarcastic responses for either situation:
* Aren't you clever to notice.
* Yes indeed. Well done you.
Slightly more helpful:
* Why does it bother you so much?
posted by bunderful at 4:17 AM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
* Aren't you clever to notice.
* Yes indeed. Well done you.
Slightly more helpful:
* Why does it bother you so much?
posted by bunderful at 4:17 AM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
In my family, "you're too sensitive" means, "You should keep your feelings to yourself because they're inconvenient/annoying to me." I do like bunderful's "Why does it bother you so much?" Or maybe, "Why does it bother you," or "Why do you say that," because those don't imply any criticism. Once you've listened to their answer, they might be more willing to listen when you say that .
Another choice is just to look at the person. Not a dirty look or a bold stare-down, but just a look that says you don't have anything in particular to say. Because if your relative isn't willing to hear your feelings, it isn't going to help for you to say any more.
If you think the person could learn to quit saying that, you might tell them, "When you say I'm too sensitive, I feel uncomfortable. I'd like you to respect my feelings, even if you don't agree with them." You'd have to say it in a gentle way, because you're saying it in the hope of improving the relationship.
My mother always wanted to keep things "pleasant" and actually didn't want us to have any negative feelings. She also didn't want anything setting off my father's temper. If your relative is all about keeping things nice, showing anger might lead them to avoid pissing you off in the future. But this would mean they'd be walking on eggshells with you, and I doubt you want to add more of that to family interactions.
I don't know if this is advice or not: With family members who don't give a shit about how I feel, I just don't say things they don't want to hear. I get my feelings validated elsewhere.
posted by wryly at 10:41 AM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
Another choice is just to look at the person. Not a dirty look or a bold stare-down, but just a look that says you don't have anything in particular to say. Because if your relative isn't willing to hear your feelings, it isn't going to help for you to say any more.
If you think the person could learn to quit saying that, you might tell them, "When you say I'm too sensitive, I feel uncomfortable. I'd like you to respect my feelings, even if you don't agree with them." You'd have to say it in a gentle way, because you're saying it in the hope of improving the relationship.
My mother always wanted to keep things "pleasant" and actually didn't want us to have any negative feelings. She also didn't want anything setting off my father's temper. If your relative is all about keeping things nice, showing anger might lead them to avoid pissing you off in the future. But this would mean they'd be walking on eggshells with you, and I doubt you want to add more of that to family interactions.
I don't know if this is advice or not: With family members who don't give a shit about how I feel, I just don't say things they don't want to hear. I get my feelings validated elsewhere.
posted by wryly at 10:41 AM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
This is also my family. A thing to realize is that when the person says "you're too sensitive" is that they're not really commenting on your feelings-they don't give a shit about your feelings. What they're making note of is that you're responding in a way that disrupts their flow. They want the freedom to be an asshole without repercussions. They want you to hide your feelings, not change them.
My favorite exchange:
"you're too sensitive"
"and you can either get used to it or stop being a dick". (for keep the relationship, try "Yeah, so either get used to it or stop treating me like that.")
posted by FirstMateKate at 11:27 AM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
My favorite exchange:
"you're too sensitive"
"and you can either get used to it or stop being a dick". (for keep the relationship, try "Yeah, so either get used to it or stop treating me like that.")
posted by FirstMateKate at 11:27 AM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
My mom is not an alcoholic but she can be pretty dysfunctional and she loves to say things that push my buttons. She often says "you're so sensitive" or "you can't take a joke." One time she said something really disturbing and not-funny and then said "you can't take a job" and I looked her dead in the eye and said "explain to me why it's funny?" (pretty sure I learned this from AskMe).
posted by radioamy at 12:03 PM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by radioamy at 12:03 PM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
Here's the reality: you may, indeed, be too sensitive -- but are still entitled not to have those sensitivities trod upon by your family.
So, the correct response: "Be that as it may, I'd prefer we change the subject." Only a dedicated asshole persists at that point, but you also don't waste your time defending yourself or inviting your interlocutor to defend himself/herself.
posted by MattD at 12:15 PM on May 8, 2019 [2 favorites]
So, the correct response: "Be that as it may, I'd prefer we change the subject." Only a dedicated asshole persists at that point, but you also don't waste your time defending yourself or inviting your interlocutor to defend himself/herself.
posted by MattD at 12:15 PM on May 8, 2019 [2 favorites]
Uggg.. wish we could all just have a support group. oh wait.. that's al anon i guess.. but still feel like there's something about the metafilter vibes that would make it better.. virtual meta al anon? I'd help organize it.
anyways, i digress. A parent of mine says this shit a lot lately.. no drinking problem per se, but a real abundance of narcissistic traits that have gotten worse since they went through a big surgery and have had post op depression and personality changes that seem to have resulted in increased disinhibition. I usually go with something like what others have said, no, i'm not, anyone would feel hurt by what you just said. It changes absolutely nothing, and not infrequently provokes more ire, but at least I spoke my truth. Other times I just go with the ole standby "we see it differently." There's rarely a question of "keep the relationship" on the table, as I'm the only next of kin and a decision like that just doesn't feel conceivable to me right now (but fully support others who do make that decision, because, this stuff is * so tiresome * and potentially soul-crushing...)
I do like that suggestion above for a sarcastic "good to know" .. maybe it would stop the convo at any rate.
I'm really sorry for what you're going through, and for all of us who deal with this stuff, there's not much winning at it. feel free to memail me if you ever want anyone to chat with who more than likely gets it, for better or for worse.
posted by elgee at 1:26 PM on May 8, 2019
anyways, i digress. A parent of mine says this shit a lot lately.. no drinking problem per se, but a real abundance of narcissistic traits that have gotten worse since they went through a big surgery and have had post op depression and personality changes that seem to have resulted in increased disinhibition. I usually go with something like what others have said, no, i'm not, anyone would feel hurt by what you just said. It changes absolutely nothing, and not infrequently provokes more ire, but at least I spoke my truth. Other times I just go with the ole standby "we see it differently." There's rarely a question of "keep the relationship" on the table, as I'm the only next of kin and a decision like that just doesn't feel conceivable to me right now (but fully support others who do make that decision, because, this stuff is * so tiresome * and potentially soul-crushing...)
I do like that suggestion above for a sarcastic "good to know" .. maybe it would stop the convo at any rate.
I'm really sorry for what you're going through, and for all of us who deal with this stuff, there's not much winning at it. feel free to memail me if you ever want anyone to chat with who more than likely gets it, for better or for worse.
posted by elgee at 1:26 PM on May 8, 2019
Keep, maybe:
"That's a strange thing to say if you've been through recovery from an addiction. If all my skin had been burnt off in a fire and I got poked with a stick and I screamed, would that be me being too sensitive? or would that be the normal response of a skinless person to being poked with a stick? The second one, right? So imagine the emotional correlate. I'm a person who's lost a fair amount of emotional armor. You know about that; we both know about that. I'm a predictable amount of sensitive. We both are a predictable amount of sensitive, given what we have been through and are still going through. What say we try to treat each other more kindly?"
Toss:
"You sure it's me that's the sensitive one? You seem to be dishing it out harder than ever before, and I can't help wondering whether that's because you're trying to drown out critical voices in your head that you used to be able to drown out with alcohol. In any case, I've seen this performance many times before. It is tired; I am bored. Find a new audience. Maybe go out in the yard and yell at squirrels and crows. >click.<"
posted by Don Pepino at 2:44 PM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
"That's a strange thing to say if you've been through recovery from an addiction. If all my skin had been burnt off in a fire and I got poked with a stick and I screamed, would that be me being too sensitive? or would that be the normal response of a skinless person to being poked with a stick? The second one, right? So imagine the emotional correlate. I'm a person who's lost a fair amount of emotional armor. You know about that; we both know about that. I'm a predictable amount of sensitive. We both are a predictable amount of sensitive, given what we have been through and are still going through. What say we try to treat each other more kindly?"
Toss:
"You sure it's me that's the sensitive one? You seem to be dishing it out harder than ever before, and I can't help wondering whether that's because you're trying to drown out critical voices in your head that you used to be able to drown out with alcohol. In any case, I've seen this performance many times before. It is tired; I am bored. Find a new audience. Maybe go out in the yard and yell at squirrels and crows. >click.<"
posted by Don Pepino at 2:44 PM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
Yes, I am too sensitive to be treated that way, why aren't you?
Works for either situation depending on your tone.
posted by rpfields at 6:31 PM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
Works for either situation depending on your tone.
posted by rpfields at 6:31 PM on May 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
Them:
It's a joke! Can't you take a joke? You are so sensitive!
Ditch:
You: You seem to want to live in a world where you can say thoughtless, dickish things, and not have people call you out on you being said dick. I don't know what that's about, but I just decided yesterday that don't have time when people who do that shit anymore. I will catch you later.
Keep:
You: You seem to want to live in a world where you can say thoughtless, hurtful things, and not have people decide that they deserve better and ask you to knock it off. You might want to figure out what that's about, but for now, why don't we talk about something else?
posted by anitanita at 10:16 PM on May 8, 2019
It's a joke! Can't you take a joke? You are so sensitive!
Ditch:
You: You seem to want to live in a world where you can say thoughtless, dickish things, and not have people call you out on you being said dick. I don't know what that's about, but I just decided yesterday that don't have time when people who do that shit anymore. I will catch you later.
Keep:
You: You seem to want to live in a world where you can say thoughtless, hurtful things, and not have people decide that they deserve better and ask you to knock it off. You might want to figure out what that's about, but for now, why don't we talk about something else?
posted by anitanita at 10:16 PM on May 8, 2019
“Yep, sensitive. Now you know that about me, it’ll be interesting to see if that means anything to you going forward”
Or “yep, sensitive. Adjust accordingly now you know that about me”
posted by honey-barbara at 4:20 AM on May 9, 2019
Or “yep, sensitive. Adjust accordingly now you know that about me”
posted by honey-barbara at 4:20 AM on May 9, 2019
"I am who I am. How long have you known me?" Shifts the criticism to their behavior, redirects conversation, and creates a break in flow you can use to leave the space. Good for those long term family relationships that aren't cordial, as such, but aren't overtly hostile either.
posted by VelveteenBabbitt at 10:42 AM on May 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by VelveteenBabbitt at 10:42 AM on May 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
Either way: “That’s not for you to decide.”
posted by Edna Million at 8:32 PM on May 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Edna Million at 8:32 PM on May 9, 2019 [2 favorites]
"Maybe it's a good idea to leave a sensitive person alone when you can't be nice."
posted by bunderful at 7:10 AM on May 11, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by bunderful at 7:10 AM on May 11, 2019 [1 favorite]
Maybe you've heard the name Melodie Beattie already, but I need to recommend her book and especially the way she writes about 'detaching'. I've also found CoDA to be very helpful, though not as many meetings as some of the groups.
A lot of the responses above would maybe feel satisfying but would just provoke them & prolong the fight, giving them what they want (the power to make you react).
Here's what I would do: When "you're too sensitive" comes out, I'd say "this conversation is over" and walk away, no matter whether I want to keep a relationship with the person or not. After they've cooled off, I'd wait to see whether they will take responsibility/apologize for the hurt they've caused me, and whether I can forgive them. If I want to keep the relationship I'll probably have to practice detaching & forgiving every time I interact with the person. If I don't want to keep the relationship, I'd just do it once and then never speak to them again. Don't feed the cycle, get out of it.
posted by 100kb at 6:32 PM on May 12, 2019 [2 favorites]
A lot of the responses above would maybe feel satisfying but would just provoke them & prolong the fight, giving them what they want (the power to make you react).
Here's what I would do: When "you're too sensitive" comes out, I'd say "this conversation is over" and walk away, no matter whether I want to keep a relationship with the person or not. After they've cooled off, I'd wait to see whether they will take responsibility/apologize for the hurt they've caused me, and whether I can forgive them. If I want to keep the relationship I'll probably have to practice detaching & forgiving every time I interact with the person. If I don't want to keep the relationship, I'd just do it once and then never speak to them again. Don't feed the cycle, get out of it.
posted by 100kb at 6:32 PM on May 12, 2019 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Oyéah at 6:44 PM on May 7, 2019