Do (and how do) babies know who their mom is?

May 7, 2019 7:50 AM

Here's a nutty little question for you spawned by my post-partum return-to-work emotions: do babies really know which adult caring for them is their mom, and if so, how?

I know one answer is "the person who breastfeeds them" but let's ignore that (especially since it's been all pumping and bottle feeding all the time since I'm now back at work).

Right now our situation is this: my husband and I have twin 12-week-olds. We have a nanny during the day, and we also have a night nurse at night (twins are hard). On weekdays, I have about two to three awake hours with them total (On weekends, we have no help so it's all me and my husband the entire time--maybe that helps them know that I am their mom??). Before this week, we had even more help in the form of my parents--so it's not like the babies got used to me caring for them 24/7 all alone and can use that as a cue to know that I am their mom.

So, do my babies know that I'm their mom, as opposed to the other people spending a lot of time caring for them, and if so, how?! I'm looking for actual scientific research on this, not anecdotes or feelings. (Also, do they know my husband is their dad?)

posted by millipede to Human Relations (13 answers total)

It's not just that you're breastfeeding. It's that your breasts are secreting fluids that smell to them like food (and, in the early days of colostrum, specifically smells like amniotic fluid). Here's one study. This works both ways. If you smell the head of another newborn it will probably smell wrong to you. Babies also can see well enough to make out faces and can recognize faces from a very young age. I doubt they have any concept of "dad" but will recognize and respond differently to known caregivers.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:00 AM on May 7, 2019 [13 favorites]

Babies definitely recognize the voice of the person whose body they developed in! They heard that voice every day from the moment their ears could pick up sound. And if other people spent a lot of time with the pregnant person, the baby likely heard muffled versions of those voices, so they'll be familiar as well.

Also, unsolicited nursing advice but- if you are able to breastfeed them sometimes, your milk supply will probably benefit (babies drain the breast better than a pump, which helps increase supply). Congrats on your babes!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:01 AM on May 7, 2019 [10 favorites]

They spent their entire gestational period learning your breaths, your sounds, your voice. They have only NOT been a literal part of your body for 12 weeks. They know you.

"Mom" and "dad" as concepts are not even fathomable for infant brains. Do they know they are loved? Do they have food in their bellies? Are they safe and warm and cared for? That is what their tiny brains are thinking of most right now.

Parenthood is a journey - not a definition. You will be their parents for their entire lives, hopefully. You are only taking the first steps on the path.

And, speaking as a mother who had undiagnosed post-partum anxiety, it sounds like you are having similar thoughts to what I experienced. I hope you find folks to talk about with this and find help, if you need it. Much love to you. Infants are hard.
posted by jillithd at 8:05 AM on May 7, 2019 [22 favorites]

It takes a village to raise a kid. Seriously until recent years kids where in western society where most often raised & cared for by more than just Mum. Be it with help from family, siblings aunts, neighbours whatever.

They know you are their mother even with all that. They know your voice from about 7 months gestation. They prefer the smell of you after about 3 days, even if you bottle feed. Do they think "Mum" & "Dad" at this point, most unlikely they're very abstract kind of concepts for a baby. Do they think you are my favorite person that smells good & whose arms I feel the safest in & who feeds me & cares for me, most certainly. They will recognise your face & your smell & know who you are, people are not interchangable for them at this age.

Just a heads up though, it's OK to be worried about things like this in passing, if such thoughts become intrusive or overwhelming, please seek help. Sleep deprivation & PPD are serious & there is nothing wrong with getting help if you need it.
posted by wwax at 8:20 AM on May 7, 2019 [5 favorites]

+1 that babies learn the sound of the gestational parents' voice in utero, this has been explicitly proven by Science many many times over, there are articles going back decades on this topic. If you want references this article has a good review in the introduction of the previous research. Basically, they can measure this in the babies' breathing rate, in the way they shift their eyes, and in their brain waves. Babies respond to the sound of their mother's voice, even in a recording, in a way they don't to a stranger's voice. They have even used recordings of mothers for babies in PICU to help them grow and heal and be happy and calm - it works.

So yes. They know your voice, they know your heartbeat, they know the smell of your skin and your milk, they know you better than they know anyone at this point.

And what they care most about is being loved, and being safe. Are they loved and safe? It sounds like they are. And having other people help you is part of that--this is just the beginning of your relationship with them.

And are you loved and safe? Your question sounds like perhaps you are not sure. I hope that you have the support you need and can seek it from those around you.
posted by epanalepsis at 8:21 AM on May 7, 2019 [5 favorites]

The babies recognize your smell from time they spend/spent breastfeeding. You also recognize their smell. Two study abstracts:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/6836038/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/4075877/

Also babies are hard. Whether you think you might have depression or not, be honest with your whole medical team about the frequency, duration, and intensity of your fears and feelings. They can give you tips for managing and help you find great appropriate tools. Talk to every provider about these feelings because they’ll all have different perspectives and because culturally we need to normalize these conversations.
posted by bilabial at 8:25 AM on May 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for the links!

(I’m trying to figure out what in my question is inspiring people to diagnose me with depression or anxiety and I can’t figure it out. Is it a default to assume post-partum emotions = depression? This really was just something I was curious about regarding infant development and what/how they know who their mom is: it’s not something keeping me up at night—I know they will get older and definitely know by then, so it’s not that huge of a deal. I simply was curious!)
posted by millipede at 8:30 AM on May 7, 2019 [14 favorites]

My newborn was consistently more trusting towards people who had a female face framed by dark hair with bangs, like mine. If they had that combination, he would go into their arms without crying, otherwise he would cry. So I've got to believe there is at least some degree of facial recognition involved.
posted by rada at 8:43 AM on May 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

Strongly recommend What's Going On In There? as a resource for you.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:46 AM on May 7, 2019 [2 favorites]

To answer your follow up question, ppd is just so infrequently recognized by medical professionals and the birthing parent that it’s best to be on the alert for it. Previous generations held a lot of damaging ideas about motherhood and those ideas have carried into today.

Moving the pendulum in the other direction seems to be a way to get it settled in the middle, to a place where there is no stigma or shame about having difficult feelings/fears/anxieties about babies. Many many new parents tell themselves ‘it’s not that bad’ while they’re going through it and then months or years later recognize that they were suffering from depression and/or anxiety. This is part of the baggage, this insidious message that if you’re not having the worst possible symptoms or signs, then you’re less worthy of help.

When I approach questions here I think about the folks who will come to Ask as a result of a google search, in addition to the original asker. A greater frequency of matter of fact suggestions to keep lines of communication open feels to kenlike a jet positive for the world.

Congrats on the kids, and I’m glad you have safe places to explore your curiosity about their growth and bonding. You’re doing great.
posted by bilabial at 10:28 AM on May 7, 2019 [13 favorites]

Seconding What's Going On In There. Some of the advice is now outdated, but you'll see lots of scientifically-backed research about how much facial/people recognition babies have at different stages.
posted by joyceanmachine at 11:01 AM on May 7, 2019

I read somewhere years ago that smell is a big part of it, like whoever your caretaker is when you're an infant you associate that person's smell with "they keep me safe and comforted".
posted by nikaspark at 7:49 AM on May 8, 2019

To also answer your question, what triggered my spidey senses about PPA in your post was a hint that you were anxious about your baby attaching preferentially to another caregiver. If you're genuinely curious and not bothered by thoughts such as that, then perhaps people are misinterpreting.
posted by namesarehard at 3:22 PM on May 8, 2019