How should I talk to my daughter about dating post-divorce?
April 25, 2019 11:02 AM   Subscribe

I've been dating someone for 6 months, it's serious, he's expressed some interest in meeting my child. How do I talk to her about this? More specific concerns inside....

I've been separated for a year and a half, and for-real-divorced for almost a year. My daughter turns 7 this summer. She is doing okay with the divorce, although she still gets sad sometimes.

Prior to the divorce, her father wasn't a very present parent. He never took her to school or daycare or dance class or playdates, didn't schedule or attend doctor's appointments, that kind of thing. We did family activities but until I physically left the relationship he spent very little time alone with her. Their relationship is still a work in progress, but they seem to be in a good place lately. We have 50/50 custody expressed in a 2-2-3 schedule.

My relationship with my ex-husband has been difficult, as they are, I suppose. We both attend Daughter's school events and dance recitals, we sit next to each other and make pleasant small talk, there is no outward animosity...but he also ignores 95% of attempted communication, is not consistently paying child support, etc.

So that's where we are at. Given all that, how do I do this? I've read all of the things about waiting until the new relationship is serious, having clear expectations about the role the new person will play in the child's life, not spending all of the parent/child time with the new person, etc. I am having productive conversations with my boyfriend about all of those things. But here are some specific questions:
--What is the order of operations here? Tell dad and wait for his approval? Tell child first, and then arrange a meeting? (There is nothing in our parenting plan that addresses this, specifically because dad was insistent that it wouldn't be an issue at the time we were making the plan).
--How do I introduce the concept of dating to my very young child?
--What are the words I should say, and what should I avoid saying?
--How can I continue to support my daughter and make sure she doesn't feel her relationship with either parent is threatened? I'm assuming her dad will have negative feelings about this new relationship, but I honestly have no idea what to expect in terms of him talking to her about it, supporting her, etc.
--Are there more specific resources like books, blogs, etc? For example, while we were dealing with the separation I read the book Talking to Children About Divorce and it had sample scripts, what kinds of questions to anticipate kids asking, etc. and it was super helpful both in terms of actually planning the conversation abut also on calming my nerves about it. I haven't as of yet been able to find something similar that addresses this topic.
posted by cheese to Human Relations (17 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Assuming your legal situation is settled, do not solicit your ex's opinions on this, because you don't want to set a precedent that allows him to believe he has any say in your life.
posted by metasarah at 11:54 AM on April 25, 2019 [35 favorites]


As a child of divorce, I would honestly recommend waiting longer than 6 months, especially with a 7 year old child who is still sad and an ex who is still angry. “Serious dating” is not necessarily permanent, and 6 months is right at the cusp of when you start to actually know a person warts and all. I would give it another few months to even a year, personally. I did not enjoy going on “dates” or “family outings” as a third wheel with either of my parents’ dates. Once my mom was engaged it was much, much easier to do that “family bonding” stuff, knowing it was safe to form permanent attachments. There’s really no need for your child to spend much time with your dates.

There is no way for your child to know and your ex to not know. It will not happen. They will know simultaneously, so if you’re not ready for that or think it could affect your child, that’s just another reason to wait.
posted by stockpuppet at 12:04 PM on April 25, 2019 [38 favorites]


From having dated as a divorced parent, do not assume that you control how your child views this. She's going to have her own thoughts, regardless of what you tell her. You might introduce this as a new friend in your life, only to find out later that she was thinking stepdad.
posted by FencingGal at 12:22 PM on April 25, 2019 [4 favorites]


Just to pile on, I have a coworker who started dating after a few months of separation... one of her daughters is fine with it and the other was so angry that she refuses to see coworker at all and lives full time with dad. And cusses coworker out in texts on a regular basis.

My wife waited until her daughter was a teenager to start dating again, and I didn't meet daughter until we were talking about moving in together, and we have a great relationship... although that's not guaranteed either, of course.

I'd wait.
posted by Huck500 at 12:34 PM on April 25, 2019 [4 favorites]


My parents divorced when I was six, and both started dating within a year. Waiting wasn't really something that ever came up. After a date or two, I always met the people my mom was dating. Some of them I liked a lot, some of them I didn't like at all. (Some of them very clearly didn't like me.) Most of them I didn't really get to know very well, but we'd eat a meal or go to a park together. It wasn't really any different from meeting any other parents' friends. The only difference was that they held hands more often. A bit later they would sometimes stay overnight. That was okay too.

My entirely anecdotal take is that kids are remarkably resilient and they benefit from parents who are happy and not keeping secrets. Learning how people date from real life rather than rom-coms isn't such a a bad thing.

(Though, for what it's worth, "tell dad and wait for his approval" sounds like an odd choice. I'm glad my mom didn't give my asshole dad any option to veto any part of her love life. That would have been a terrible idea.)
posted by eotvos at 12:41 PM on April 25, 2019 [9 favorites]


I don't see why you need to talk to your ex about this at all. I get why maybe you would want him to know in case he heard something from your daughter, but do you tell him every time you introduce a new adult to your kid? And you definitely do not need his approval! It sounds like you are a good parent, and you have your daugther's best interests in mind. There's not a formal path for how to introduce a new intimate partner to your kid. And I don't think you want to create a scenario where your ex has to give his approval for your relationships.

How would you introduce your daughter to a new adult friend in your life? I would think you might do the same thing here. I'd suggest telling your daughter you have a new friend (maybe "special friend" though I don't love that phrase) that you'd like her to meet, and them plan some sort of low-key, relatively short, kid-centered outing where your boyfriend can join you all. Maybe walking to the park to play? And then you can start things off very slowly and see how it goes. The idea is to keep it low key and ramp up slowly.

I know there's a lot of advice about how to wait until a relationship is very serious to introduce your kids, but it seems to me that if your boyfriend is a disaster around kids, that would be better to know sooner rather than later. Introducing someone as a friend, or special friend, and having some limited interactions is a good way to keep the stakes very low and also get a sense of how they might interact.

All of this is to say: I don't think it needs to be a huge thing, not at first. Good luck.

Also, are you sure your ex isn't dating and hasn't introduced your daughter to someone he is seeing? Given that there's no language in the parenting plan, I don't think it's your job to guess at what he's expecting.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:50 PM on April 25, 2019 [3 favorites]


I have an almost 6yo and he is very astute when it comes to feelings. Be honest, appropriately. I would talk to your child by telling her that you have a new friend that you're getting to know better. Things are still new with you, but you like them a lot and wanted to introduce them. Answer any questions she has with kindness.
posted by jillithd at 1:18 PM on April 25, 2019 [5 favorites]


How do you introduce non-romantic friends?

I think it’s important to model adult social behavior for children, not isolate family life from community life. Find opportunities for your boyfriend and your child to meet and interact in small doses so they can get a sense of each other.

It’s unfair to everyone involved to keep the two most important people in your life isolated and compartmentalized, especially if the goal is to all be living under the same roof some day.

I agree that instantly introducing him as a “special friend” with special status might be too much this early on, but think about how you would bring a non-romantic friend into your life and do some of that.
posted by itesser at 1:43 PM on April 25, 2019 [9 favorites]


When I was a single dad, I liked my dates to meet the boy sooner. We're a package deal, and, its best to know right away if theres a problem.

I just kept it low-key - meeting a friend and all that.

He didnt care at all and was pretty happy go lucky about it. Other kids might be different.

I think its important for them to see you dating and all that. I feel that my sons experiences dating were better because he had a good model to follow.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 1:48 PM on April 25, 2019 [8 favorites]


Does your daughter know you're dating someone? If not, a good place to start might be a simple conversation with her. Tell her you feel like you might be ready to find a partner, and see how she reacts. Communication is your best friend here. 7 year olds are still young, but they're starting to feel older, and my 8 year old is fully capable of having semi-adult conversations, and appreciates when I ask him for input on things and treat him a little older than his 5 year old brother. The less "weird" you make it, the better. This is a situation where I would dip my toe in with my kid and go from there, depending on their reaction.

Also, remaining amicable with dad should be one of your biggest goals, if both homes are happy, your kid will be happy, and not feel torn between them, so proceed civilly with her dad.
posted by katypickle at 1:49 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]


You have a social life. You have friends and acquaintances. Your child knows this (I hope), and possibly also gets involved to some extent. She also knows this mirrors her own (more limited) social life. So new bloke can be seen by her in that context, for now.

I heartily endorse nailing down custody and maintenance, and property settlement BEFORE she knows this bloke is 'special' and CERTAINLY before ex knows. In fact I would do this even before she meets the new bloke, because kids can pick up on things, and she is likely to sense he is 'different' to other friends.

This is important, because it will almost certainly change the dynamic with ex, almost certainly for the worse. And you do not want to find out just how bad that might become. There is no down-side to this step, all of it is up-side.
posted by GeeEmm at 3:26 PM on April 25, 2019 [2 favorites]


I divorced when my kids were 4 and 7, and finally settled into a relationship that I trusted to be "serious" when they were 8 and 11. I waited until about 6 months to introduce them, and I did give their dad a heads up before I did (just because that is how I wanted to be treated- not that I was.) It took another 2 years until I met his daughter who was 4 by that point. In both situations we gradually introduced by having a group (with other kids and families and adult friends, which was normal for us- we always had things like this) event where it wasn't a big surprise- like "meet my boyfriend!". Then it slowly transitioned to my boyfriend coming over to hang out, and then eventually sleep over. With his daughter, she always came to my place, and my kids were usually there. My boyfriend has never been a stepfather sort of type, and I am not a stepmom to his daughter (his ex has a lot more hard feelings about me then my ex does of him, or me of my ex's wife) My older daughter has always liked my boyfriend, and they get along well. My younger daughter not so much. We have been together for 10 years now. I don't live with my boyfriend, so that makes things different then my ex who moved in with his girlfriend, and then married her, so she is a full fledged stepmother.

I think kids understand about relationships between grown ups in basic terms, and they understand the concept of "friends", and that is how I would frame the conversation with your child. With my kids I would tell them I went out with someone when they were with their dad, but more in the same way I would say- I saw Susan over the weekend and we went to dinner and a movie. Just keeping them up to date about what I was doing when they weren't at home, so again, it wasn't a big surprise when I then introduced them.

Finally, I would say, as much as possible, I would prolong introducing your boyfriend, especially because you have 50/50 custody- I say this not to protect your daughter, but having that separate space to have and enjoy a relationship is a great way to enjoy yourself, and your new life on those days when your daughter is with her father.
posted by momochan at 3:43 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]


I think it depends on how your relationship is with the ex.

In my case me and my ex decided we would talk to each other about introducing our kids to new partners, and we did that and it was okay.

You don't owe your ex shit, that's the point of divorce, but if you feel like your ex won't be an ass about being informed, then negotiate that. Otherwise the choice is up to you.

When it comes to talking to your child, you own that relationship and conversation. Be real to your child about your needs, and let them know that they are are still #1 in your life. Then navigate it with your child. Being real, vulnerable and honest with your child will pay dividends over the years over trying to protect them from knowing who you are and what your needs really are.

Someone once told me that post divorce life would challenge every notion I held about what my life and parenting was going to mean and how everything would turn out. They were right.
posted by nikaspark at 4:39 PM on April 25, 2019


I introduced my boyfriend and son (who was 6 at the time) after a few months of dating. Two years later we're all happily living together. My boyfriend wanted to meet my son pretty early on too and it was a sign of his commitment and interest in us. I treated earlier boyfriends like any other friend we spent time with and my son never seemed to have much interest in them so I stopped trying and usually broke up shortly after because it would become clear that the longterm with the three of us wasn't going to work (and one of those guys I dated for a year). With my boyfriend things just clicked and my son started to ask to see him all the time, that hadn't happened before. They just liked each other right away and my son would be seriously bummed out if he couldn't join us at the park or wherever we were.

I described my boyfriend to my son at first as "my friend" before they met, like "I'd like you to meet my friend X", and then after they met (we went to a movie and out for ice cream so not a super long get together) and got along that turned into "our friend". After several months I explained that we loved each other romantically and were all going to live together as a family one day (I didn't want him to be confused about where things were headed once I knew we both wanted to live together longterm). My son did express jealousy and fears that I was picking my boyfriend over him so I emphasized that I loved him more than anything and he would always be #1 in my heart. We didn't show a lot of physical affection in front of him to mitigate his jealousy while we were dating especially early on, so no hugs or goodbye kisses for a time because my son would get upset/fearful. Moving in together was remarkably conflict free. I kept the narrative around moving positive but I also acknowledged that I would also miss our nice little apartment and was sad about that too. I emphasized that this was a one-time move, that we were forming a family unit and not going to break up, that he was gaining a step-dad and more family members, like "wow, you have a BIG family, you have so many people to play with and so many people who love you". That was also very helpful for when he encountered kids and other not so nice opinions from some relatives who disapprove of cohabitation. Today he says that his step-dad "is the best step-dad in the world" and it's clear he feels safe and good about everything. Another thing that I think helped is that I didn't delegate many childcare-related things to my boyfriend, so at first I was still mostly single-parenting and my boyfriend picked up slack in other ways at home. Now it's not a big deal for my boyfriend to put him to bed or pick him up from school but at first I made sure those things didn't change.

As soon as our son was seeing my boyfriend regularly I told his dad that I was seeing someone and that our son was spending time with him in a friendly setting (i.e. no sleepovers in front of him but spending time together), and that I wanted him to hear it from me first versus from our son or gossip, and because I would want him to share similar developments in his life with me.
We've had our share of conflicts but he's been good about this and has expressed appreciation that our son has another positive influence in his life (we are nearly 5 years out of our break-up at this point so things have settled down). So I did it after my son started spending time with my boyfriend but maybe a couple of weeks after when it was clear it would continue.

All this said you need to go with your gut. If your ex is really difficult this could make it worse, but that hasn't been the case for me (my ex also doesn't contribute financially). If you feel your boyfriend is pushing for reasons like to control the situation I would wait, but I don't think you'll be harming your daughter by having a friend enter her life. If this person makes you really happy it might be a good idea to see if they get along before things get more serious.
posted by lafemma at 6:04 PM on April 25, 2019 [3 favorites]


Don't wait for your ex to straighten up. He may never.

Can you introduce your new partner as a friend? Have them spend a couple hours doing something together. Make them aware of this person's existence. I'd wait to talk about dating until you're about to get engaged. But my kid knows my adult friends, so maybe roll that way.
posted by Kalmya at 6:06 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]


Introducing someone you're dating as a "friend" can be misleading for a kid, especially if they know who your friends are and are immediately aware this this new guy isn't like the rest of them. So think a lot about the context! Does kid know your other friends (even if not-your-gender-preference so obviously not-a-date)? Is hanging out with your other friends (with or without their families) is a normal thing to do? If spending time with you and another grownup would be unusual for them, you should start doing that more (with friends, neighbors, coworkers, whoever your tribe is). Otherwise, the only time it has been kid and two grownups out at a movie, or kid and two grownups getting pizza, those two grownups have been their parents back before the divorce, and the obvious conclusion is that this new person is a lot like a parent.
posted by aimedwander at 7:46 AM on April 26, 2019


One thing our divorce mediator told us: better to give each other a heads up about introducing new partners to the kids, if only so ex can present a united front about the existence of this person. In other words, if my ex were to tell the kids he was dating someone and then introduce them to that someone without telling me, the kids might come to me and say "Oh, we met Daddy's new gf" and the surprise I might express could be confusing for the kids.
posted by freezer cake at 3:18 PM on May 9, 2019


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