I have a commute-crush on someone and literally can't tell him

April 25, 2019 8:54 AM

Me: biking on a New York bridge everyday at the same time in the morning and evening. Him: the same, but in opposite directions.

I have noticed this dashing gentleman for the past year and a half. I see him a few times a week.

It might be my imagination, but I think we have increasingly been exchanging *looks*, although to be honest it's hard to tell. (Maybe he's just thinking "oh, there's this woman who is looking at me weird again".)

I am absolutely dying to know his name, and ask him about his commute, which is peculiar.

Problem: Unless one is completely crazy, one cannot *stop a stranger in the middle of a busy bridge* to chat (it's busy! It's awkward!). The thought alone absolutely mortifies me. I don't want to be a weirdo.

What would you do?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (40 answers total)

Take the day off and be there to catch him on his way home.
posted by Fukiyama at 8:56 AM on April 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

Can you start to wave at him? Then you can see how he reacts and take it from there. If he waves back, you can escalate it with a hand signal for a drink, then, if he agrees, you can point to a nearby place to meet, along with a sign that mentions a day and time.

It could be great fun!
posted by MountainDaisy at 8:57 AM on April 25, 2019 [69 favorites]

I think you should crash your bike directly in front of him. This will give you a chance to see what kind of person he is. If he doesn't stop to help then you'll know he isn't worth pursuing.
posted by trbrts at 9:01 AM on April 25, 2019 [10 favorites]

'Accidentally' crash into him? (just a glancing blow obviously)


Stage a mechanical issue with which you require assistance?
posted by el_presidente at 9:03 AM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

this seems like a good use case for craigslist missed connections.
posted by hollisimo at 9:06 AM on April 25, 2019 [20 favorites]

Make a little sign that says HMU I LIKE UR STYLE then grin and flash it at him until you’re sure he’s seen it, then hope he stops next week, and move on if he doesn’t.
posted by SaltySalticid at 9:06 AM on April 25, 2019 [11 favorites]

Can you just stop your bike slightly off the path right before the bridge in the evening and pretend to check your tires or something? If I’m reading right he will eventually bike past you?
posted by stellaluna at 9:08 AM on April 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

...and then ideally he will stop to chat and you can bike together to get coffee or a beer!
posted by stellaluna at 9:09 AM on April 25, 2019

Yeah, just wait in the evening on the side of the bridge that's easiest to catch him at and flag him down.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:10 AM on April 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

It's a bit of an off chance, but if both of you are using Strava to track your rides, you can check your "flybys" to try to find him, and then maybe friend request him on that platform?
posted by damayanti at 9:12 AM on April 25, 2019 [15 favorites]

Next time, smile and wave. If he responds, pause on the bridge next time and see if he stops. I don't know NY cycle culture but in a lot of places, any cyclist who sees another one stopped will themselves stop pedalling to check they're OK so you each have a kind of 'excuse' to stop and get chatting. Weird how your bike just started making that strange noise just as you were going over the bridge...
posted by penguin pie at 9:19 AM on April 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

The issue you've discovered is that a look can be ambiguous. A big smile with eye contact is not. The very next time you see him, big big smile. He may not be used to that and may not know how to react right away, so make sure to make eye contact the next time after that, smiling again. Then escalate to a wave the next time. Then the ball's in his court and I'm sure there are secret biking signals and gestures.

(I wouldn't orchestrate a minor crash or even an unexpected stop on a busy NY bridge.)
posted by kapers at 9:34 AM on April 25, 2019 [27 favorites]

Unless you are on some secret lightly-trafficked NY bridge I don't know about, dear Lord, do NOT stop on the bridge in the bike lane (or the pedestrian lane, for that matter) to flirt. You will be killed, either by someone crashing into you from behind by accident or by someone infuriated that you are blocking what is a narrow channel for relatively high-speed travel.

The wave and smile seems like a good place to start. It allows you to gauge his reaction in a relatively low-pressure way. Then, if the auspices are favorable, you can graduate to waiting for him on one end of the bridge.
posted by praemunire at 9:34 AM on April 25, 2019 [22 favorites]

I'm definitely in the smile camp, and agree that he might be startled at first so try smiling a few times and see what happens from there.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:43 AM on April 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

As a bicycle commuter who lives in Manhattan and worked in Brooklyn, I feel I should have something to suggest but I don't, except if you want to stop him, it should be on the way home so he doesn't have to hurry off.
posted by Obscure Reference at 9:44 AM on April 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

No way should you crash into anyone. Rom com moves translate terribly into real life!
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:04 AM on April 25, 2019 [14 favorites]

I like big smile and wave... But I think the PM commute is a good time for a breakdown. If he stops that's all you need to know. Maybe that's a solid step 2...
posted by chasles at 10:08 AM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Would it be weird to just make a U-turn and talk to him? Genuinely asking -- I don't know anything about how bike-lanes on NYC bridges work. If not, I support the wave-n-smile idea. Definitely don't crash into him. That's not the first impression you want to make, IMO.
posted by Wild_Eep at 10:14 AM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

OMIGOD DO NOT CRASH YOUR BIKE INTO HIM. Two bicyclists crashed into each other and one died from the crash a few weeks ago on my neighborhood greenway. Total freak accident, but that is not a chance you want to take, especially since your bikes would be at least a little damaged regardless. Really bad way to start off a relationship between two people who bike. :P
posted by Pandora Kouti at 10:15 AM on April 25, 2019 [9 favorites]

I vote for the "stop before/after the bridge" and see if he stops too. make sure you're not looking at your phone or anything when he drives by.

(and I'm 99% certain the suggestions of you crash into him are meant to be funny)
posted by dawkins_7 at 10:21 AM on April 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm not even sure if you mean a romantic crush or just a "hey there is this stranger that I see ALL THE TIME, we should be friends" (I have one of these on a woman in my city who also winter bikes and does it while looking fucking awesome and I have seen her for literal years and want to tell her that I think she's just objectively rad because she is) but start by waving and smiling and saying good morning! Be obvious, since this is going to start off as a quick interaction. This is completely normal for cyclists who see each other regularly even if they don't at all know each other - I am part of a community of local cyclists on Twitter and this is 100% what is done.

As an alternative, volunteer for a local advocacy group and stage a bike month stop on the bridge that will be there when he passes. Bike Month is May, so soon! I'm sure the Brooklyn Bridge would be a stop if they did such things (no idea, but it's a thing in my city).
posted by urbanlenny at 10:33 AM on April 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

First smile and do a “hey” hand gesture next couple times you pass. Then, next time it’s a nice day out, you could say something like “wow, gorgeous day, right?” And THEN up the ante to pulling off to check your tire (or whatever) if there’s a safe way to do that.
posted by sallybrown at 10:33 AM on April 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

Carry a brown bag with some cookies and your contact info. Hold it out like you want them to grab it.
posted by zengargoyle at 10:44 AM on April 25, 2019 [14 favorites]

this seems like a good use case for craigslist missed connections.
Missed Connections no longer exists, BTW; CL took down their entire personals section after a sex-trafficking bill put them at risk of liability.

I'd say just have fun with it, a wave and a smile is great. Anything else starts to get stalker-y. I do this with several people, one of whom I now know enough to say hi to elsewhere.
posted by aspersioncast at 10:49 AM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Can you be 5 or 10 minutes early (or late) one morning (or evening) and catch him at the light? Might not generate a convo first time, but will at least allow extended eye contact.
posted by at at 11:03 AM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Get to the bridge 5 minutes early. Stake out a good position and stop, ideally where he'd need to stop or slow down as he passes. When you see him, wave. If he stops, say "I wanted to meet this person that I see here all the time." If he looks away and speeds up, then he's not the guy you hoped he would be. Good luck.
posted by adamrice at 11:22 AM on April 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

@aspersoncast huh, CL missed connections is still around where i live (portland, or)! my bad!
posted by hollisimo at 11:36 AM on April 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

just wanted to add , re craigslist missed connections -- yes yes, definitely still around - they are now in the "community" section of Craigslist, rather than the now absent "personals" area.
posted by elgee at 11:45 AM on April 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

Are there other reverse direction commuters you see every day (and who see you) or just this guy? You could make a sign that just says "hi" and hold it up when you pass him. If he replies with a sign then you could make another sign and go from there. Maybe slowly ask him to meet you for coffee at a place you both bike past every day near one end of the bridge. "Coffee?" "Next Wednesday?" "Joe @ [intersection]?"
posted by fedward at 11:50 AM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Just leaving this here as inspiration :)
posted by namesarehard at 12:07 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

If you are not above a little subterfuge, one possibility is to arm yourself with some small inconspicuous biking-related item, like a reflector or cycling glove. When you see the gentleman pass, turn your bike around and follow him. When he comes to a stopping place, roll up next to him and ask, "Hey, did you drop this?"
posted by helpthebear at 12:24 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

I am on team "wave." Or even team "hey" with a slow down and stop as he approaches. I have to agree it feels a bit like stalking to me to drop something on purpose or to wait for someone/change your movements to find him. It's the "This is the shit that happens in mainstream romantic movies" cute but only when welcomed and actually problematic line for me. I do hope your tandem biking dreams come true, though!
posted by anya32 at 12:46 PM on April 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

I think passing items or holding signs would put you into a creepy/imposing category you're probably trying to avoid, as well as make you feel like a dummy, as well as breach bridge etiquette, possibly endangering commuters. You can't go from zero to romcom; you've got to give him a chance to express whether contact is welcome. That starts with a smile, I think.
posted by kapers at 12:54 PM on April 25, 2019 [14 favorites]

Find a stationary position where you can stop and wait for him to pass, make eye contact and wave, somewhere that he could also pull over and meet you for a brief conversation. Don’t expect him to “get it” the first time he sees you there, so be willing to pause and wait for a few days in a row. (Once is a blip, twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern)

If after three times seeing you stopped, he doesn’t come say hi, move on. You don’t know anything about this human other than his face, his commute type, and his schedule. And if he rejects you, you’ll probably go on seeing him a few times a week until one of you gets a different job.
posted by itesser at 1:30 PM on April 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

As a Brooklyn-->Manhattan male bike commuter, I don't see many people going the opposite ways on the bridge exchanging any kinds of glances, so there's probably a good chance you are exchanging looks!

Please do not crash into him in any way, or drop anything on the bike path. People get injured on my bridge fairly regularly and most of it is not particularly conducive to moving to the side or getting assistance!

If there's a spot you can stop on the bridge off to the side, and he'd have time to see you there and stop, I'd say that's your best bet. Or at the bottom of the bridge, on the side he's descending. When you see him, smile and wave and say hi. On all three of the bridges, there are areas like this, that the bikers have to pass through but are less crowded than the bridges themselves.That seems the most apt to me.
posted by benbenson at 1:51 PM on April 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

Since you say it's a busy biking bridge, I'm assuming you're on one of the Brooklyn-Manhattan crossings.

As someone who frequently bikes over a couple of these bridges and rarely makes eye contact with anyone coming the other direction, I bet he'll remember the previous times your eyes have met. I think your best strategy is to try to catch him at the end of his descent with a smile and a "Hi!"

Spotting him at the end of his descent will be easier than the beginning of his climb because you'll know what direction he'll be coming from and you'll have time to catch his eye as he approaches. Unfortunately some people don't like to stop after coming off the bridges, so be prepared for him to blow past you. I think it's more likely, though, that he'll have to at least slow down before hitting the surface streets and that's when you'll have your best chance.

I really don't think you should try to stop him or distract him on the bridge itself. There isn't enough clearance along the bikeways to safely pull over during commuting hours, aside from maybe those two pull-offs on the Manhattan Bridge at the towers - and even those are a bit iffy.

Good luck!
posted by theory at 3:31 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

I agree with the smiling and waving approach. This may naturally lead to introducing yourself if you guys wave at each other a few times.

I'm in decent shape but I doubt I could ever look dashing wearing spandex and a bike helmet
posted by mundo at 3:56 PM on April 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

It's raining today, so presumably not the best chance to try whatever you are going to try so I understand why there are none yet, but... updates are heartily encouraged!

edit: oops, anonymous asker. :-(
posted by Grither at 9:28 AM on April 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

Just smile and wave and see how he reacts. That’s it. Don’t hold up a sign. Don’t try to get him to grab a random bag as he passes (wtf???). You’ll have to continue to bike past this person every day if he’s not interested, so if you do anything creepy you might end up regretting it later.

I cannot believe people are seriously suggesting that you intentionally crash to get his attention. That is a horrible idea for reasons others have already stated. Please don’t do that.
posted by a strong female character at 5:06 AM on April 27, 2019 [2 favorites]

Write up something cute about it and send it in to Metropolitan Diary (submission instructions). It's the closest thing I can think of to a personal ad that he might actually see.
posted by sockermom at 5:34 PM on April 29, 2019