Dreading wedding
April 19, 2019 8:54 AM Subscribe
I'm looking for suggestions on how to navigate going to a wedding where I'll have to interact with ex-friends.
This July, I'll be going to the out-of-town wedding of a close friend, A.
A's best friend is a woman, F. F has a fiancé, M. F, M, and I all live in the same city, and we had been good friends- we spent time together at least weekly, I was included in activities they did with their extended family, they invited me to reserve one of the main cabins for their wedding, etc. This winter, we were both busy with other things so hadn't really seen each other (despite me reaching out to schedule things a few times), and I realized I hadn't gotten their wedding invitation. When I texted F to ask about it, F and M simultaneously group messaged me to essentially say they weren't interested in being friends anymore, without explanation.
I was completely blindsided. A was also shocked- M and F hadn't told her. She told me that she was upset that this happened and that she has my back. A's fiancé also reached out to express the same. Nothing like this has ever happened to me in a friendship, and I've racked my brain about things I could have done to offend them, and sincerely came up blank. My best guess is that M made some indication of having feelings for me (although I truly had no idea that this was the case, if so), and F decided to end the friendship. Alternatively, I think it's possible that F decided she didn't like me for some reason. I get that this is just a thing that happens sometimes that isn't necessarily about me. Nevertheless, I grieved the loss of these friendships- they were important to me!
I'm really dreading going to A's wedding. F is a bridesmaid, and F and M are really the only guests I know. I think I'll get pretty sad when I see M and F, and I'm not sure how to act towards them. I cry very easily, and I definitely don't want to have a visible emotional reaction, especially if it could risk distracting from the celebration. A is also concerned about whether it'll be stressful for me, but I've avoided asking her for help in navigating this situation generally so that she doesn't have to be in the middle. When this first happened, she said I could bring my boyfriend as a plus one so I wouldn't have to go alone, but he and I recently broke up. I'm considering asking her if I can bring a friend as a plus one, but I don't have any friends who could easily afford the trip, it would be pretty hard for me to cover their flight, and I feel bad about asking A to cover the costs of another guest.
I would really love suggestions about how to make this a manageable experience!
This July, I'll be going to the out-of-town wedding of a close friend, A.
A's best friend is a woman, F. F has a fiancé, M. F, M, and I all live in the same city, and we had been good friends- we spent time together at least weekly, I was included in activities they did with their extended family, they invited me to reserve one of the main cabins for their wedding, etc. This winter, we were both busy with other things so hadn't really seen each other (despite me reaching out to schedule things a few times), and I realized I hadn't gotten their wedding invitation. When I texted F to ask about it, F and M simultaneously group messaged me to essentially say they weren't interested in being friends anymore, without explanation.
I was completely blindsided. A was also shocked- M and F hadn't told her. She told me that she was upset that this happened and that she has my back. A's fiancé also reached out to express the same. Nothing like this has ever happened to me in a friendship, and I've racked my brain about things I could have done to offend them, and sincerely came up blank. My best guess is that M made some indication of having feelings for me (although I truly had no idea that this was the case, if so), and F decided to end the friendship. Alternatively, I think it's possible that F decided she didn't like me for some reason. I get that this is just a thing that happens sometimes that isn't necessarily about me. Nevertheless, I grieved the loss of these friendships- they were important to me!
I'm really dreading going to A's wedding. F is a bridesmaid, and F and M are really the only guests I know. I think I'll get pretty sad when I see M and F, and I'm not sure how to act towards them. I cry very easily, and I definitely don't want to have a visible emotional reaction, especially if it could risk distracting from the celebration. A is also concerned about whether it'll be stressful for me, but I've avoided asking her for help in navigating this situation generally so that she doesn't have to be in the middle. When this first happened, she said I could bring my boyfriend as a plus one so I wouldn't have to go alone, but he and I recently broke up. I'm considering asking her if I can bring a friend as a plus one, but I don't have any friends who could easily afford the trip, it would be pretty hard for me to cover their flight, and I feel bad about asking A to cover the costs of another guest.
I would really love suggestions about how to make this a manageable experience!
Response by poster: Sorry- I meant I feel bad having A cover the ~$200 of having an extra person attend her wedding, not cover flights etc. She did give me an out but she's a dear friend and I would like to attend.
posted by deus ex machina at 9:17 AM on April 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by deus ex machina at 9:17 AM on April 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
Sounds like she already budgeted for your plus one, so no need to worry about that part of it.
posted by praemunire at 9:22 AM on April 19, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 9:22 AM on April 19, 2019 [18 favorites]
how big is the wedding? I've been to a wedding in a very similar situation before, and if it's a typical 150 people or so event, it's honestly extremely easy to avoid people.
posted by cakelite at 9:33 AM on April 19, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 9:33 AM on April 19, 2019 [5 favorites]
Like cakelite, I also wonder how big the wedding is. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go as a badass single person and meet three awesome potential friends. You also have complete permission to get teary and use a gorgeous vintage hanky to dab your eyes and say "I'm just sooooo happy for A & New Spouse!" Then keep dancing with that champagne in your hand. In the grand scheme of things it's 2-5 hours tops, and you got this. Regarding a plus one, I personally wouldn't add the stress of paying for a friend to come or navigating a friend's ability to pay for the privilege of being your support person.
posted by cocoagirl at 9:43 AM on April 19, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by cocoagirl at 9:43 AM on April 19, 2019 [18 favorites]
I think you can definitely ask to substitute a plus one under these circumstances. Another thing you can do to distract yourself is to get out of your comfort zone at the event and chat up new people and get to know them, take photos, volunteer to help out with things that come up at the wedding/reception if A needs help. If you keep yourself busy, you may end up having a better time.
posted by *s at 9:45 AM on April 19, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by *s at 9:45 AM on April 19, 2019 [7 favorites]
Decide that the reason is because M found you attractive and F can't deal with it. Feel sorry for F that she is going to have to slash and burn everyone she finds a threat for the rest of her married life. I know people like this, and their romantic lives are a never-ending hell of "Mirror Mirror on the Wall," "I must be queen (or king) at all times" vigilance. Usually their partner goes abashedly along with it -- that is the dynamic. These friends treated you very badly to preserve their own narrative that no one else can be attractive to M. Do not be Snow White and run away into the forest to hide from this. If it were me, I would dance, drink champagne, give a fabulous toast, and then at some point - if you are able to summon just a pinch of the wicked -- give M an impossibly sultry smile across the room that makes him walk into a wall.
Don't pay hundreds to bring a plus one shield. Go have fun at your friend's wedding.
posted by nantucket at 9:53 AM on April 19, 2019 [18 favorites]
Don't pay hundreds to bring a plus one shield. Go have fun at your friend's wedding.
posted by nantucket at 9:53 AM on April 19, 2019 [18 favorites]
In general, it's not that difficult to avoid people at weddings, particularly if the couple getting married are aware of issues and don't seat you together. Practice your courteous smile so you are prepared if you see your former friends, it's way less awkward to smile and move right along than to hide. Based on your relationship with A and A's fiancé, I suspect you'll be seated with great people, even if you don't know them.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 10:29 AM on April 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Nimmie Amee at 10:29 AM on April 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
I write as someone who also easily cries, and were I in your situation, I would worry that I would not just cry in a plausibly "dab at my eyes weddings are so beautiful" kind of way but in an "OH MY GOD I AM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK AND NEED TO FLEE RIGHT NOW" kind of way (if alone, if in the right mood, if a bit tipsy, if those former friends either ignore or throw negative attention my way).
This is my - possibly outlandish - idea. You need a wing person. Your friend has already budgeted for you to have a wing person. What if... (this is where it gets outlandish) ...A's wedding is in the hometown (or close to) that of another MeFite, who has a nice dress/suit and would happily escort you, ensure you are properly distracted, and out of the deal would get a lovely meal and a chance to look fab and be a friend to a fellow MeFite? If it's in someone's hometown, they could stay at their own home (no weird hotel situations) and just meet you at the festivities. Maybe this idea is too weird, but - in your shoes, I would want someone there to offer emotional support in the moment. Or - do you know anyone in A's area, maybe an old friend you haven't seen in ages? I feel like this "going stag to a wedding that will be emotionally fraught" is such a common tale that most folks would want to step in. Plus, y'know, weddings can be fun. With a buddy.
Good luck, and I'm so sorry this happened.
posted by pammeke at 10:43 AM on April 19, 2019 [43 favorites]
This is my - possibly outlandish - idea. You need a wing person. Your friend has already budgeted for you to have a wing person. What if... (this is where it gets outlandish) ...A's wedding is in the hometown (or close to) that of another MeFite, who has a nice dress/suit and would happily escort you, ensure you are properly distracted, and out of the deal would get a lovely meal and a chance to look fab and be a friend to a fellow MeFite? If it's in someone's hometown, they could stay at their own home (no weird hotel situations) and just meet you at the festivities. Maybe this idea is too weird, but - in your shoes, I would want someone there to offer emotional support in the moment. Or - do you know anyone in A's area, maybe an old friend you haven't seen in ages? I feel like this "going stag to a wedding that will be emotionally fraught" is such a common tale that most folks would want to step in. Plus, y'know, weddings can be fun. With a buddy.
Good luck, and I'm so sorry this happened.
posted by pammeke at 10:43 AM on April 19, 2019 [43 favorites]
I would email A and ask her if she might be able to clue in another wedding guest who's a good friend of hers and who she thinks you'd get on well with, and have her ask that person to be your "buddy" at the wedding. The friend could keep an eye out for you from time to time, introduce you to other people, you could sit at her table so you'd have at least one friendly face around. A will obviously be too busy but I'm sure another of her friends would be happy to help out - I certainly would if someone asked this of me and explained the situation.
posted by hazyjane at 11:39 AM on April 19, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 11:39 AM on April 19, 2019 [7 favorites]
With A's support you can scope out the logistics to minimize contact with them if that's what you want. I wouldn't be surprised if they also act like all is fine when they meet you face to face in public. Also, get your pre game prep on with treats before and after so you are ready for this.
posted by effluvia at 11:46 AM on April 19, 2019
posted by effluvia at 11:46 AM on April 19, 2019
Just go to the wedding. Take a xanax before the reception so if you do see them you won't cry. You probably won't have to interact with them at all. If you do see them in the buffet line or whatever, you can either ignore them or give them a tight smile. Don't let these fuckers get in the way of you being able to help your friend celebrate her wedding.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:14 PM on April 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:14 PM on April 19, 2019 [2 favorites]
I have been a single woman for big chunks of my adult life and I, too, have had a married couple dump me out of the blue. I would sit this one out, personally. The bride and groom wouldn't want their special day to make someone feel bad! They sound like nice people who will understand if you stay home.
posted by 8603 at 1:00 PM on April 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by 8603 at 1:00 PM on April 19, 2019 [1 favorite]
I've been through this. It's hard and I'm sorry. A few things to consider: Weddings are so time managed- you won't have to deal with them during the ceremony, and possibly not between the ceremony and reception since they will be doing photos.
If you need to, don't be afraid to walk away from the main party. Explore the grounds. If you find yourself too close to them, walk away. Call a friend for a few minutes just to remind yourself that you're still loved by many people.
And once you've been there for a bit, hugged the couple, and shook hands with whoever else you feel like, it's ok to duck out early.
Last, make sure to have something to look forward to after the wedding. This can also work as an easy out if you need it. Catch a late movie. Attend a play.
You're very brave and a wonderful friend for trying to put aside your hurt and be there for A. Do these 6 or so hours of time and make sure you take care of yourself the rest of the weekend.
posted by haplesschild at 1:02 PM on April 19, 2019 [6 favorites]
If you need to, don't be afraid to walk away from the main party. Explore the grounds. If you find yourself too close to them, walk away. Call a friend for a few minutes just to remind yourself that you're still loved by many people.
And once you've been there for a bit, hugged the couple, and shook hands with whoever else you feel like, it's ok to duck out early.
Last, make sure to have something to look forward to after the wedding. This can also work as an easy out if you need it. Catch a late movie. Attend a play.
You're very brave and a wonderful friend for trying to put aside your hurt and be there for A. Do these 6 or so hours of time and make sure you take care of yourself the rest of the weekend.
posted by haplesschild at 1:02 PM on April 19, 2019 [6 favorites]
I love, love, love pammeke's idea. You just need a friend by your side to make this feel doable. My hobbies include fun events, adventures, and socializing: I would 100% go with you to this wedding!
posted by WaspEnterprises at 3:00 PM on April 19, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by WaspEnterprises at 3:00 PM on April 19, 2019 [3 favorites]
I would be very tempted to bail on this event. It sounds potentially unpleasant, and more stressful than it's worth.
posted by ovvl at 9:04 PM on April 19, 2019
posted by ovvl at 9:04 PM on April 19, 2019
Advice to the easy-criers: when you feel the tearing is near, pinch the web of skin between your thumb and first finger.
A less effective procedure: If your hands are full and you can't manage that pinching thing, try sucking your tongue tightly against the roof of your mouth.
Head high, shoulders back. Go and have a great time. F and M are the ones who should be crying. Such meanies!
posted by Cranberry at 1:32 AM on April 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
A less effective procedure: If your hands are full and you can't manage that pinching thing, try sucking your tongue tightly against the roof of your mouth.
Head high, shoulders back. Go and have a great time. F and M are the ones who should be crying. Such meanies!
posted by Cranberry at 1:32 AM on April 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
These people were incredibly unkind, and knew it. Cruel, even. You are rightfully extremely hurt and still feeling it. You deserve to be full of righteous anger, and to call down the wrath of the goddesses and gods. I wish I had smiting powers to use on your behalf. Anger can help you move beyond the hurt. Recognize that they behaved appallingly and get pissed off. Plan to be cold to them.
The actual wedding is the most important, and tears are okay. You do not have to go to the reception. You can go to the reception and leave at any time, even before the meal or cake. Have an exit plan that includes a car or Uber as opposed to relying on someone who may not want to leave.
I'm a crier. Pinching the fleshy part between thumb and hand/forefinger is supposed to be an accupressure point to control crying(as cranberry said). Risk-free. I have Xanax that I take every year or so, but having it in my bag and knowing that I can use it to help manage terrible distress helps me a lot. I struggle through, then am proud of myself for surviving without Xanax. Watch the alcohol; nothing can release emotion like booze.
I like pammeke's plan. Also, A's sweetheart must have friends, a sister or brother, somebody who can be introduced to you, and maybe be a pal. Make sure you are at a table of friendly people.
posted by theora55 at 7:08 PM on April 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
The actual wedding is the most important, and tears are okay. You do not have to go to the reception. You can go to the reception and leave at any time, even before the meal or cake. Have an exit plan that includes a car or Uber as opposed to relying on someone who may not want to leave.
I'm a crier. Pinching the fleshy part between thumb and hand/forefinger is supposed to be an accupressure point to control crying(as cranberry said). Risk-free. I have Xanax that I take every year or so, but having it in my bag and knowing that I can use it to help manage terrible distress helps me a lot. I struggle through, then am proud of myself for surviving without Xanax. Watch the alcohol; nothing can release emotion like booze.
I like pammeke's plan. Also, A's sweetheart must have friends, a sister or brother, somebody who can be introduced to you, and maybe be a pal. Make sure you are at a table of friendly people.
posted by theora55 at 7:08 PM on April 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Just wanted to update that the wedding is this weekend and I'm prepping by rereading your kind comments.
I talked to A about it and you all were right that she had budgeted for a +1 for me. One of my dearest far-away friends and I were talking about how we needed to plan a trip to hang in person and I floated the idea of him coming with me to the wedding, and he was totally thrilled to be invited and is in a financial place to easily cover the cost. He's one of those people who I can't help but have a good time around. So my total excitement to see him and knowledge that he will 100% have my back is mitigating the dread I otherwise feel. Plus, A put us at a table with people with whom she thought I'd get along, including an acquaintance whom I like but had forgotten was going. With help from A, I picked out a floor length red lace dress that makes me feel like a supermodel deity and is a bit of a metaphorical middle finger to people who apparently cast me as a seductress in their internal drama, in the spirit of nantucket's comment. I'm reminding myself that it's a few hours of my life and once it's over I'll most likely never have to deal with these petty motherfuckers again. Also, since I posted, A called out M+F directly for their handling of this and F separately confessed jealousy of my friendship with M to A. So I get to go in feeling a tad better about my position in the whole situation.
Thanks again for all of your support.
posted by deus ex machina at 6:43 PM on August 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
I talked to A about it and you all were right that she had budgeted for a +1 for me. One of my dearest far-away friends and I were talking about how we needed to plan a trip to hang in person and I floated the idea of him coming with me to the wedding, and he was totally thrilled to be invited and is in a financial place to easily cover the cost. He's one of those people who I can't help but have a good time around. So my total excitement to see him and knowledge that he will 100% have my back is mitigating the dread I otherwise feel. Plus, A put us at a table with people with whom she thought I'd get along, including an acquaintance whom I like but had forgotten was going. With help from A, I picked out a floor length red lace dress that makes me feel like a supermodel deity and is a bit of a metaphorical middle finger to people who apparently cast me as a seductress in their internal drama, in the spirit of nantucket's comment. I'm reminding myself that it's a few hours of my life and once it's over I'll most likely never have to deal with these petty motherfuckers again. Also, since I posted, A called out M+F directly for their handling of this and F separately confessed jealousy of my friendship with M to A. So I get to go in feeling a tad better about my position in the whole situation.
Thanks again for all of your support.
posted by deus ex machina at 6:43 PM on August 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Final report: it was totally fine. It was a small wedding and I ran into them about a zillion times. I was super anxious and nearly teary at first, but my date was great and kept pushing me to take up space so I did, and THEY were the ones who had to shrink back. We did tight-lipped terse “hi”’s and my date whispered in my ear about how their speech was self-centered and he and I made a zillion friends and had a dance party with them right in the center of the dance floor. It was so much fun and I’m so glad i went. I DID IT YOU GUYS!
posted by deus ex machina at 3:41 PM on August 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by deus ex machina at 3:41 PM on August 14, 2019 [5 favorites]
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When A brought up her worry about how you might feel at the wedding, was there any chance she was giving you an out to skip the wedding if that’s what you want? (Not disinviting you at all, just implying that she understands if you don’t want to be there?)
If you focus on the stress and anxiety of seeing F and M at the wedding, it’s going to amp up your emotions to the point where you’re more likely to cry. Pretend that this is a wedding you’re going to where you don’t know anyone. Go for the ceremony and the first couple hours of the reception (speeches and dances) and then feel free to slip out and go do your own thing. If there is a seated dinner, I’m sure A will look out for you and not put you near F and M. Given the dynamic you describe, it sounds like they will be avoiding you (and it will be easier for them to do than for you, because they can hang with the other bridesmaids and would be seated with the wedding party). You actually may not run into them (although you will see them).
posted by sallybrown at 9:11 AM on April 19, 2019 [5 favorites]