text response time?
April 17, 2019 1:27 AM   Subscribe

I haven't really had a boyfriend in over a decade, what is normal with texting?

I've been dating someone a few months. We have a great time when we hang out, we've talked about having a relationship and you know, done the sex a bit and he's talked to my parents about dating me (he was our old neighbor). Like it seems like we're, dating dating. But sometimes he takes multiple days to respond to texts and leaves me hanging mid planning. I'll say "so where should we meet" and then I'm waiting like 24-48 hours to hear back. I'll go through the whole conversation where we break up and cry about it and then suddenly I get a text where he's like "Oh hey, yeah let's meet at the place for the thing, awesome!"

??

It's funny because I'm terrible at texting, so it's good karma for me (I'm really feeling for my poor mother right about now). I keep having the feeling though that even if the issue isn't that he wants to break up that... he's just not as into me as I am to him?

Is waiting one or two days to get back to someone normal texting behavior while dating? Is it just me being insecure that I feel weird about it? After waiting after the last message for 2 days I finally said it's ok if doesn't want to get together because I'm feeling like... clearly he can't be that interested?

but now I'm questioning if I should have said anything at all and should have just kept waiting? Egads?! Hope me metafilter! I might have ruined it with this guy by acting all insecure- I would like to know if I do date again, or keep dating this guy, is it normal to wait a couple days to respond to text?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (32 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
How old are you both? I would have thought this was taking a bit long to respond but it would depend on your ages and how busy he is.
posted by EatMyHat at 1:30 AM on April 17, 2019


It sounds like a good time to open the lines of communication about... communication. Texting seems like not a very good option and is causing you anxiety. This is something the two of you can work on together. His willingness to work together to find alternative, better routes of communication will also be a good indicator of your compatibility in terms of investment in the relationship, problem-solving and communication styles. Like you could have a phone call between dates where you decide on the next one and then keep texting for fun and low-pressure things like animal pics and memes rather than this tortuous planning process.
posted by Balthamos at 1:43 AM on April 17, 2019 [25 favorites]


Observe what he does when you are hanging out together. Is he texting others continuously? Ignoring his phone?

He could be super nervous about texting if he's really into you, or forgetful if he can't respond right away. I don't have my phone on me during the work day, which leads to large text delays.
posted by TheAdamist at 2:13 AM on April 17, 2019


I'll say "so where should we meet" and then I'm waiting like 24-48 hours to hear back. I'll go through the whole conversation where we break up and cry about it and then suddenly I get a text

Why are you sitting there like a princess trapped in a turret, depending on a man to rescue you from your distress? Rescue yourself. You're allowed to have needs and boundaries and to state them.

"Hey, I need to finalize my plans for Tuesday; do you still want to meet up, and if so where?" or "Did you get my last message about deciding a place for Saturday?"

Don't fall for this Internet bullshit about "clingy." Expecting someone you're dating to treat you no less politely than you would treat a stranger is not clingy.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:05 AM on April 17, 2019 [84 favorites]


Don't wait 48 hours for a text response - call and see if you can speak directly.
posted by 41swans at 4:37 AM on April 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


I might have ruined it with this guy by acting all insecure

My philosophy is that if two people are a good fit, you can't "ruin" it by being yourself or by "acting insecure" or whatever. If they're into you, they'll either overlook things or they'll say "hey, that thing sort of bugged me. Was wondering if we can talk about that" or some other variation of "I like you, but we hit a snag, can we fix it?"

And wanting a response to make plans in a reasonable amount of time is not clingy. I like plans. I like to know what I'm doing today, tomorrow, this weekend, next month... it lets me plan to do things with other friends, or schedule trips, or generally plan my life - which everybody has a right to do. Including you! So if you're not getting a response within a day or two, a gentle nudge is fine.

And if they're not a good fit, then it's not going to work in the long run anyway. You're not "ruining" it by nudging for a response, it never was in the first place.

You should talk to the person about this. If you've "done the sex" and been seeing each other a few months, it's probably time to establish some workable patterns for sorting out plans that work for both of you. What you're describing doesn't sound like he is prioritizing this, but there's a lot of detail missing so maybe there's a legit reason.
posted by jzb at 5:05 AM on April 17, 2019 [17 favorites]


The next time you meet in person look him in the eye and say firmly: when I text you about making plans, I'd appreciate a quick response so that I can firm up my schedule. Last time you took two days to get back to me! That's not OK.
Then watch his reaction. Does he apologize and say he completely forgot and promise to do better next time? Good. Does he try to make you out to be needy or desperate? Bad.
It really doesn't matter what people at large think about texting conventions - you have your own preferences which he should make an effort to meet if he wants to continue dating you.
posted by peacheater at 5:07 AM on April 17, 2019 [12 favorites]


I haven't really had a boyfriend in over a decade, what is normal with texting?

it is not normal to persist in using texting for time-sensitive scheduling with someone who demonstrably doesn't carry his phone around, turned on, with sound turned up, staring at it anticipatorily like it's his job.

if you have reason to think he likes texting, sees all your texts as they arrive, but fucks around with waiting some calculated amount of time before responding in order to seem like the one who cares the least, ditch him. if not, call him when you need an answer to a question or just want to talk, or write him an email. ideally after asking him first (not via text) what the best way to get hold of him is when you want to talk to him.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:24 AM on April 17, 2019 [6 favorites]


My answer depends on the type of texts you're sending that don't get responses. If he waits days to reply to ANY texts, including things like "good morning!" then yes, that's not good. But if it's only texts similar to "so where should we meet" which require thought/research and then a reply, then I think you could approach it differently. You could phrase that "let's meet at X on Tuesday at 7 pm" and maybe you can add "open to other ideas too, just trying to simplify planning". Or you could give him two choices or something. Yes, this is additional work for you, but it might solve this problem.
posted by valeries at 5:37 AM on April 17, 2019 [2 favorites]


I sometimes go 24-48h without responding to texts. My brain is easily overwhelmed by "shiny" so I turn all notifications off and put my phone on silent, it's just way too distracting. I also like to answer comms in batches to control my time and reduce addictive checking behaviors. So I will often read a text in the morning and reply in the evening. It's possible he's working with his brain rather than ignoring you from disinterest? Ask! My two exceptions are if I need to follow up on plans or I'm expecting a call — then I check and respond more quickly to respect other people's time needs. I always try to pin an hour/date on things to reduce latency.

You're totally within reason to want a different kind of dynamic though, everyone has different needs. Try stating your desires more precisely: "Let me know by tonight if you want to have dinner on Tuesday at 7! Let's try that Greek place on Main?" Then he knows exactly when you want a response and you can make other plans if he fails to respond in that timeframe.
posted by aw jeez at 5:56 AM on April 17, 2019 [5 favorites]


There is no normal. Normal is what you both agree is normal. Just have a conversation about it, framed as "hey what are your expectations about this?"
posted by Wretch729 at 6:04 AM on April 17, 2019 [8 favorites]


Well, I've dated a few men who've been proudly "old fashioned," and it was more of a chivalry-pride type thing where he would always take the initiative, be polite and prompt in communications, always arrange to pick up/drop off for dates, and always say something along the lines of, "so when can I see you again," and secure plans again before the end of the date... and not so much of the thinking of women as property to be asked permission for, or "women should be seen and not heard" and not be "insecure" or have needs type of thing... so I'd just advise you to be careful not to confuse old fashioned manners with old fashioned values.
posted by OnefortheLast at 6:09 AM on April 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


While it is true that there is "no normal" and you should work together to agree on expectations, I think it is more normal than not to expect a same-day reply to texts, especially if it's about making plans for later. So don't feel bad about insisting on more timely replies, if that is what you want.
posted by AndrewInDC at 6:26 AM on April 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


He needs to understand that the current situation is causing you distress. If he can't handle that then you will be happier with someone who can and who can respond more promptly or make plans so that you know when you'll see each other next.

FWIW I've dated guys that didn't text enough and I couldn't handle the lack of responsiveness and ultimately they didn't like me enough and/or their life circumstances/mental state didn't mesh with my needs so we broke up after a few months. One exception was a guy that only had access to his phone during his lunch break, but we had standing dates after the first few weeks so it wasn't an issue.

I've also dated guys who are super responsive and that can be too much (I have work to do and need alone time!), but for me it's much better, and those guys had full-time jobs, hobbies, other things going on, but they wouldn't leave me hanging for more than a few hours and they'd let me know what was going on if they weren't going to be available for several hours from the beginning. I've also accepted that for me compatibility with a romantic interest involves being able to communicate through text easily and often, with my current boyfriend we don't text all day every day because we live together and see each other all the time but I know I can reach out to him to vent or make plans or send a joke without annoying him and it's nice.
posted by lafemma at 6:37 AM on April 17, 2019 [2 favorites]


I often get text messages and read them and get distracted and then forget about them and then don't respond to them until the next time I intend to text that person, which depending on the person may be a day later, a week later or never. It's not awesome behaviour on my part, but text messages are like emails and voicemails. Once they're marked read, there's nothing that jumps up to keep reminding you that they are there.

Different people are more or less good at remembering those kinds of contacts and acting on them without a flashing light to remind them.

If you don't get an answer to a text after a few hours or by the next day, just send the question again: "just checking in -- did you make a decision on where you'd like to meet?" It's not insecure, it's just relighting the notification. If he treats it as insecure, *then* dump him.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:05 AM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


Is texting his preferred way to communicate? It's one of the least used ways to keep in touch in our family---we've largely moved to whatsapp and friend groups tend to use things like discord, though email gets used a lot too. I don't honestly check texts that often and sometimes miss them for days at a time. Maybe ask him if he's using other things.

But I'd call if he didn't respond in a day or so. You're a couple. You, as a couple, need a way to reliably talk to each other.
posted by bonehead at 7:49 AM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


I think it's fine to tell him, in a neutral and non-accusatory way, about your needs/how you feel when he takes 24+ hours to respond to that kind of text, and try to find a solution together (whether that's him sending a text to indicate that he hasn't forgotten but is still sorting out his own plans, or making plans using a different medium, or whatever works for you both.)

I read a piece by someone who had this sort of conversation with her neurodivergent boyfriend. He'd had no idea that his behavior was atypical, and in his case he was invested enough that he started setting an alarm to remind him to respond to her texts. YMMV.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:51 AM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


On the bright side, you have a great opportunity to see what kind of person he really is by bringing up this issue in a non-accusatory way and asking for help, whether that be more prompt replies, a simple "ack" to let you know he got the message and is considering his reply, a different communication method, or setting more clear expectations around communication so that you know what to expect.

That said, unless there is something you left out, you are exaggerating the severity of your distress, are so young texting has always been your default mode of communication, or these late replies are a recent development that only started after a pattern of quick replies earlier in the relationship I'd encourage you to reflect on what exactly is provoking such an extreme response.

Maybe there are many little things that are all telling you he's checking out and this particular one is the only one you're seeing consciously. If so, DTMFA. Maybe this is a thing that happens in other contexts in your life, in which case you may want to consider talking to a doctor about whether or not you have an anxiety disorder. Or maybe it turns out you two just aren't compatible in the way you communicate, which you'll find out after you have a frank discussion with him about the situation. That's ok, too, since finding that out is why people date. Thankfully, it gets easier to bail on those situations after you get a bit of practice.
posted by wierdo at 7:54 AM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


It’s not typical but it could be normal—people have wildly different approaches to using their phones, especially lately. I would consider it rude in the sense that he’s making it difficult to plan events (he’s inconveniencing you), but that’s not something I would assume he’s intending to do—so i’d want to have an explicit conversation about it so we can clarify expectations on both sides.

It seems like you’re nervous to discuss this with him directly. Is it because you’re worried you might hear something disappointing from him, or that you might scare him off with a conversation like that? If so, I think it’s better to find out upfront whether he’s easily scared off by trying to talk something like this out. If he is I think you should consider whether he’s a good match for a serious relationship.
posted by sallybrown at 8:05 AM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


It doesn't matter what's "normal", what matters is what you want, what he wants, and if you both want the same thing. It's entirely reasonable you're not text compatible. See if you can be compatible in other ways - facetime (or android equivalent), phone calls, other messaging apps, emails, etc. How he responds to you telling him that this kind of delay gives you anxiety is the real tell here. But, yeah, he's technically not really committing any faux pas. In your example - "where should we go" sounds more like a conversation starter than a direct question, so he may be just waiting until he has time for a full conversation. I used to be a terrible texter until I got an app that forwards text messages to my desktop at work. I'm better on facebook messenger because I have several people who use that as their preferred method, so every time I get a notification and I open the app, I'm reminded of the other messages that I didn't have time to get to. Whereas things like Signal, I only have a couple people on that app, so it's very easy to get a message when you're busy and then forget to check again. There's tons of possibility as to why he's taking this long.
posted by FirstMateKate at 8:18 AM on April 17, 2019


Some people take a long time to text back. Personally I think it's unacceptable to leave someone hanging for 2 days-- if you check your messages so infrequently, find another way to communicate-- but it's not beyond the realm of normal.

The key is to know what your needs are and communicate them clearly in person. This is easier said than done but once you get over that fear of being "needy", a whole new world of honest dating opens
posted by noxperpetua at 10:52 AM on April 17, 2019


Normal, in 2019, is to use text for all communication and then turn into a miserable little ball of stress when the inherent human need to read patterns into everything starts to try to fill all the unavoidable gaps that this totally inadequate communication method inherently creates. Gaps in delivery time, gaps in response time, gaps in tone and intent, gaps in detail, gaps all over the bloody place.

Normal, in 2019, is self-defeating and wrong. Be abnormal. Use text for casual communication that won't put a crimp in your day if you don't get timely responses, and certainly don't use it for anything with emotional heft. Especially don't attempt to use text for conversation; that's what voice and video calls are for. Talking with your thumbs instead is just a flat waste of your time unless you have specific physical issues that make it your only workable option.

Text does not offer guaranteed delivery even if both the phones involved are in perfect working order. Reading anything at all into failure to respond to one is just a recipe for completely avoidable misunderstanding.

In theory, sending somebody a text is less intrusive than placing a voice call exactly because it is an asynchronous medium, giving the recipient the freedom to deal with it when they're not already busy doing something else. But if you start using it conversationally and expecting fast turnaround, which every young person I know apparently can't seem to help doing, even that marginal minimal advantage is lost.

Thank you for your attention. I shall now go outside and resume yelling at clouds.
posted by flabdablet at 10:53 AM on April 17, 2019 [8 favorites]


Has he ever canceled on you without immediately suggesting an alternative? That would be more of an indicator that he’s not that into you/not making you a priority.

If I received a text “so where should we meet,” I’d think “Hmmm… Let me think about this.” Maybe I want to research some place cool, or different from what we’ve done lately. Then work/projects get on the way, but I know that I have till Thursday to come up with a specific place, so no terrible rush here. That is considering that we both know that the plan to meet is solid, it’s just the exact place is what needs to be decided upon. I don’t see anything wrong with this. If they would then start texting me asking if I got the text, or came up with the place already, I’d feel rushed, I’d fill pressure, then anxiety about not being able to Do Things On Time, then like shit, and that I’m ruining things – this can easily become a deadly spiral for an anxious person. So maybe this is not the best approach here?

Maybe in the mean time, while waiting for him to research and pick a place, you could send him unrelated texts? Such as “Hey, look at this flower that started blooming in my yard,” or anything else at all about something that’s going on in your life. He should respond to this rather quickly, even if just with stuff like “Cool!” You should be able to text each other for reasons other than planning. If he’s taking two days to reply to things that do not require much thought/research on his part, THEN, I’d have a conversation about my preference to hear back from him sooner.

Another solution would be, as mentioned above, to have your own preferences on where you’d like to meet. So your text would look like “So my friend went to this place and said it was awesome – would you like to check it out on Thursday?” He should be able to respond to this one quickly as well, even a simple “Yes, sounds great!” Then you two can proceed to texting here and there about stuff going on in your life. Or things you’d like to share or whatnot.
posted by LakeDream at 11:11 AM on April 17, 2019


While his text-hygiene may not be ideal, don't forget that texts are asynchronous: they can turn up at any time (or not at all) on the recipient's phone. Sometimes the texts between me and ms scruss take hours to get through.
posted by scruss at 1:48 PM on April 17, 2019


People are definitely different, but personally, as someone who is generally slow to respond to texts (and emails and phone calls, etc), I still prioritize someone I'm interested in (I am female and date men, if it matters). I would take it as a sign that he's not as interested as he could be, though of course I could be wrong.
posted by pinochiette at 7:34 PM on April 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


So much excusing and theorizing. OP, your specific question is, does waiting two days to text back about plans with someone you're dating and sleeping with, suggest that they're not that high a priority for you. The answer is - in the absence of a really bad phone connectivity situation - yes.

Even a person who doesn't mess with their phone at work, will check it as soon as they get off work, if they are involved in text exchanges regarding something they are excited about.

This person is treating your texts like the rest of the random texts he gets and which, everyone here is correctly noting, people aren't always in a hurry to acknowledge or deal with. So yeah that's fine. Normal! But doesn't suggest that he's all that excited about you.

You can try telling him -- one time -- that if he's going to take a long time to respond substantively to a question, you'd appreciate at least an acknowledgement to let you know he got it. And in the same conversation, ask what's going on with him -- does he hate texting? Is his phone's connectivity bad? All these things are possible, and more. But the likelier explanation is the simpler one.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:41 AM on April 18, 2019 [2 favorites]


I keep having the feeling though that even if the issue isn't that he wants to break up that... he's just not as into me as I am to him?

In my experience, this instinct is 100% correct. And in my opinion, what is WAY worse than the slow response time is the "oh yeah, thanks for reminding me..." subtext that pretty clearly suggests he has not been actively thinking about your plans, and you in turn, to anywhere near the same extent you have been. I mean, when I'm seeing someone new who I'm excited about, I sure as shit don't need reminders about plans that we're making – just about the only thing I can focus on is when I get to see them again! It always feels like complete garbage to discover that they are evidently not feeling the same way but it is unfortunately a very common "tell" in early relationships.
posted by anderjen at 8:49 AM on April 18, 2019 [3 favorites]


> The answer is - in the absence of a really bad phone connectivity situation - yes.

Agree. Unless there's some mitigating circumstance (like they work in a Faraday cage for days at a time, or are a bomb-disposal technician and can't have a phone within 100 meters of them lest something blow up…), I'm inclined to agree with this pretty strongly.

There are people who are just shit-bad at texting, but even the worst "I'm bad at the texts" person can usually be turned into a texter on par with the best 9th grader if getting laid vs. not-getting-laid is on the line. If they're interested in the getting laid part, I mean. (And this is not an age thing. I know people in their 40s and 50s who are dating and they are every bit as glued to their phones as people in their teens and 20s. There are lots of older people who don't text with their SO because texting wasn't as in vogue when they established the patterns in their relationship, but for people starting a new relationship today it seems pretty de rigueur.)

Of course, I think it's worth having the conversation about what's going on and trying to figure out if there's some other mode of communication you should be using that would work better. But I would go into that conversation with a stiff upper lip and a pretty good idea that He's Just Not That Into You and see if the response actually convinces you otherwise.

And also, someone who leaves you hanging for a day+ is honestly kind of a shit partner, that's just impolite if nothing else. Setting aside the mode of communication—you could be sending postcards back and forth to each other—someone who introduces a delay that long into what should be a breezy back-and-forth doesn't score any points with me.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:02 AM on April 18, 2019 [5 favorites]


I agree with others that you don't necessarily need to leap to conclusions; BUT I also agree with people saying that if you two were on the same page in terms of investment, you wouldn't be waiting this long for replies about dates. Yes, everyone is different with texting etc., but waiting multiple days for replies from someone you're dating just doesn't feel quite appropriate.

I think you should bring this concern up and see how he replies. If it's just a matter of his unique communication style, then he should be willing to compromise a bit. If he gets defensive or avoidant and doesn't adjust, then you probably will have more of an idea of where you stand.
posted by bearette at 12:32 PM on April 18, 2019 [1 favorite]


Also, you should most definitely not feel that prompting for a response after two full days is "ruining it by acting all insecure." Even the world's most casual relationship should demonstrate basic politeness when it comes to planning, follow-through, and regard for the other person's time. Wanting a commitment be able to plan for your own week in the meantime is 100% reasonable and anyone can accomplish this easily by dashing off a quick, "Need to brainstorm some ideas on place / confirm when I get off work / etc. but Wednesday is ON, can't wait!"
posted by anderjen at 2:43 PM on April 18, 2019


I'm really, really bad at texting and leave friends and family on read all the time. But when I'm into someone I am constantly checking my phone....

I think this is a sign this person may not be that interested.
posted by thereader at 9:09 PM on April 18, 2019 [1 favorite]


What kind of planing style has he shown? Personally, a text saying where should we meet is a pain, because I have to come up with options, and there will be several rounds of I prefer place X or Weds afternoon isn't great for me. A nice alternative is It would be great to see you. I'll be in Town A Monday afternoon, not far from your office; want to get a drink at SomePlace? I'm going on to a lecture at the library, maybe you'd like to join me.
posted by theora55 at 3:09 PM on April 21, 2019


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