Ambivalent about baby
April 12, 2019 6:15 PM Subscribe
I’m 34 weeks pregnant with my first. While I wanted this, I haven’t been feeling happy or attached to the baby at any point during the pregnancy. All I feel is apathy and occasional bouts of anxiety at how unprepared we are (we haven’t started buying anything and we don’t know the first thing about newborn care), and how my entire life is going to change forever. I also feel some resentment that my husband is going about his life as usual now, and probably won’t change it much after the baby comes either. My husband and parents don’t get it when I try to bring up my concerns. How should I work through my feelings so I’m more positive by the time the baby is born?
Hi, I was super ambivalent and alone about pregnancy too,
It is a such a fuzzy, dangerous time. Also fearful and boring. That doesn’t let up for a while..
Don’t worry too much. Deal with things as they come up.
Avoid the pregnancy is bliss folk.
Do you.
Drop me a line if you’d like to talk.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:32 PM on April 12, 2019 [20 favorites]
It is a such a fuzzy, dangerous time. Also fearful and boring. That doesn’t let up for a while..
Don’t worry too much. Deal with things as they come up.
Avoid the pregnancy is bliss folk.
Do you.
Drop me a line if you’d like to talk.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:32 PM on April 12, 2019 [20 favorites]
If possible (depending on your situation) can you take some proactive steps to feel more prepared? An infant CPR or parenting class might be a good place to start, as well as buying some essential baby gear, like a carseat or box of diapers.
posted by permiechickie at 6:33 PM on April 12, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by permiechickie at 6:33 PM on April 12, 2019 [4 favorites]
We didn’t buy much or plan much at that stage either, two years later we are fine, and you will be too. The bigger concern is that your husband doesn’t seem willing to help or at least you are not confident of his help: that’s a real issue imo, the other stuff is not so much.
And yes this notion that you will or should feel deep feelings toward a fetus is weird to me too, I’d also recommend to ignore that messaging.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:34 PM on April 12, 2019 [16 favorites]
And yes this notion that you will or should feel deep feelings toward a fetus is weird to me too, I’d also recommend to ignore that messaging.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:34 PM on April 12, 2019 [16 favorites]
Making a human is hard.
I was able to get free 'having a baby' class at the local hospital. I took it over a few weeks with partner and felt more prepared.
They recommended some classes that help with romanti relationship stuff surrounding a newborn. I didn't do that one as it cost money - but would be a good investment, I bet.
Therapy, (prescribed) drugs, talk, ice cream, etc... Reach out to people/organization near you/close to you.
At the beginning you really don't need that much stuff tbh ... Carseat. Take all the things from the delivery room - like the nurses will help you...swaddles, diapers, pads, SO MUCH STUFF
posted by PistachioRoux at 6:43 PM on April 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
I was able to get free 'having a baby' class at the local hospital. I took it over a few weeks with partner and felt more prepared.
They recommended some classes that help with romanti relationship stuff surrounding a newborn. I didn't do that one as it cost money - but would be a good investment, I bet.
Therapy, (prescribed) drugs, talk, ice cream, etc... Reach out to people/organization near you/close to you.
At the beginning you really don't need that much stuff tbh ... Carseat. Take all the things from the delivery room - like the nurses will help you...swaddles, diapers, pads, SO MUCH STUFF
posted by PistachioRoux at 6:43 PM on April 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
really normal, I saw a therapist for similar feelings, and yes, antidepressants are a possibility. Couples therapists are also really, really used to talking to couples about pregnancy ambivalence; my husband came with me to some therapy sessions. He was puzzled and sort-of upset by my VORTEX of emotions, and being able to hear me express them in therapy and talk about them with me and the therapist helped him be a lot more supportive. I felt like he was really minimizing my fears and worries; he felt like he was obligated to keep a positive, problem-solving-oriented outlook and not to validate irrational fears. The therapist helped him understand that even if my fears were irrational the FEAR was real, and helped him find ways to be supportive without leaving me feeling unheard.
I was also just miserable all three of my pregnancies, and occasionally got scolded by nurses for not "looking forward" to the baby enough. But the delivery room nurses were always like, "Lady you are really happy for someone who hasn't sleep in three days and just had major surgery," and I was like, "I'm just so dang happy not to be pregnant anymore."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:45 PM on April 12, 2019 [20 favorites]
I was also just miserable all three of my pregnancies, and occasionally got scolded by nurses for not "looking forward" to the baby enough. But the delivery room nurses were always like, "Lady you are really happy for someone who hasn't sleep in three days and just had major surgery," and I was like, "I'm just so dang happy not to be pregnant anymore."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:45 PM on April 12, 2019 [20 favorites]
I remember very clearly 25ish years ago when we brought home our first. No parents there to help. We looked at each other, I kept looking under the baby, but, alas, the darn thing came with no instructions. We never got around to taking a class before either. Our pediatrician was a tremendous resource for us especially when it came to sleep. He went on to some fame as a sleep guru, Marc Weisbluth. Talk to your pediatrician.
Also talk to your husband. He may be low-keying it. I was all "We will cross that bridge when we come to it," but in the end, I was proactive in helping on the regular. He may too.
Your feelings are not out of the ordinary and are valid. There is an alien growing inside you. It will come out and change your life as you know it. I never understood the folks who were all "Wheee!" about it.
posted by AugustWest at 6:50 PM on April 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
Also talk to your husband. He may be low-keying it. I was all "We will cross that bridge when we come to it," but in the end, I was proactive in helping on the regular. He may too.
Your feelings are not out of the ordinary and are valid. There is an alien growing inside you. It will come out and change your life as you know it. I never understood the folks who were all "Wheee!" about it.
posted by AugustWest at 6:50 PM on April 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
Your ambivilance does NOT make you a bad parent, and feeling like you made a mistake after having the kid does NOT make you a bad parent, and feeling like six weeks in that this is the most boring awful thing ever does NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PARENT.
You may not experience those last two things, but I certainly did. I still remember packing up my daughter and bringing her to a friend's house who had a similarly aged child plus older children, just because I was feeling a bit lost and at sea about the whole thing. And I was feeling VERY prepared beforehand and looking forward to becoming a parent. And I had a lot of help from family and support from friends. And I still felt a bit at sea.
All of these can be very normal feelings, and all the feelings you're having can be a very normal part of the transition to parenthood.
You are also not a bad parent if you want to go talk to someone about this, or if you need some drugs to help you through it. Your mental health is SO SO important.
posted by kellygrape at 6:54 PM on April 12, 2019 [10 favorites]
You may not experience those last two things, but I certainly did. I still remember packing up my daughter and bringing her to a friend's house who had a similarly aged child plus older children, just because I was feeling a bit lost and at sea about the whole thing. And I was feeling VERY prepared beforehand and looking forward to becoming a parent. And I had a lot of help from family and support from friends. And I still felt a bit at sea.
All of these can be very normal feelings, and all the feelings you're having can be a very normal part of the transition to parenthood.
You are also not a bad parent if you want to go talk to someone about this, or if you need some drugs to help you through it. Your mental health is SO SO important.
posted by kellygrape at 6:54 PM on April 12, 2019 [10 favorites]
Both of your lives are going to change. Caring for a new baby can be overwhelming and also lovely and joyful. Your spouse will be right there in the mix of sleepless nights and diaper changes and crying and feeding and etc.
I didn't feel attachment to my unborn fetus but felt immediate attachment when he was born. Here's the thing about being a mother or a parent -- it doesn't matter what your spouse is doing, or if his life will change. What does it matter? Sure, it makes things challenging if you don't have help and support, but hopefully you will have help and support. On the other hand, how can you control if you don't? You are a parent and you will most likely have a fierce love and desire to care and nurture your child, regardless of what anybody else is doing.
Trust yourself and trust that you will have your'e spouse's support and love. The more love the better. If you want to read something in these last weeks of your pregnancy I recommend Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Segal.
Good luck and best wishes. All will be well.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:54 PM on April 12, 2019 [2 favorites]
I didn't feel attachment to my unborn fetus but felt immediate attachment when he was born. Here's the thing about being a mother or a parent -- it doesn't matter what your spouse is doing, or if his life will change. What does it matter? Sure, it makes things challenging if you don't have help and support, but hopefully you will have help and support. On the other hand, how can you control if you don't? You are a parent and you will most likely have a fierce love and desire to care and nurture your child, regardless of what anybody else is doing.
Trust yourself and trust that you will have your'e spouse's support and love. The more love the better. If you want to read something in these last weeks of your pregnancy I recommend Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Segal.
Good luck and best wishes. All will be well.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:54 PM on April 12, 2019 [2 favorites]
I work on a mobile app for expectant women and moms. Your feelings aren’t so unusual! By all means talk to your OB if they concern you. Consider doing a childbirth and breastfeeding class as prep, and maybe infant CPR. There are plenty of free checklists to help with essential gear, and if desired that can be mostly done online. The big thing: make sure to add your baby to your health plan within the first month. Feel free to memail me, and if you have any feelings of depression after the baby is born, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Partner support might be something you consider sooner rather than later if you think it will be an issue.
posted by OneSmartMonkey at 7:34 PM on April 12, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by OneSmartMonkey at 7:34 PM on April 12, 2019 [4 favorites]
You are me a few months ago. I hated being pregnant, was super anxious about becoming a parent, and felt no attachment to the fetus whatsover (despite very much wanting a child..I had a history of miscarriages). Even after she was born, it took me several weeks to really bond with what seemed to me to be crying, pooping, sack of potatoes.I think I cried a couple times a day the first few weeks since it was so overwhelming. But please know there are support groups out there...you will realize you aren't the only mom to be going through this. I encourage you to talk out you anxieties and fears with your partner and trusted friends. And after baby is here, try to find other moms working through the same issues. You got this!
posted by ch3ch2oh at 11:42 PM on April 12, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by ch3ch2oh at 11:42 PM on April 12, 2019 [10 favorites]
Pregnancy is wildly overrated. I had similar feelings to yours for both my pregnancies. No feelings for the alien inside, general apathy, worries about the future, often anger towards my husband and others. I wouldn't exactly describe it as a depression, I've recently tried that and it was very different. It is its own thing. First time, I thought it was because my husband was unsupportive and I wanted to divorce him. Second time round, I had a new, loving and sweet husband and it was all the same. I think it is hormonal, for some women.
What I did was: go to a class where we did some pilates, learnt about birth and infants and had a social with tea and biscuits every time. There I learnt that about half the mothers-to-be were like me, and that helped me deal with it. I strongly recommend that you find a course ASAP.
I also went for walks and bike rides for exercise, which was good both for my body and my mind. And second time round I talked with the midwife and OB about it. At the very least I recommend you do these things.
With the first baby, it went away literally the moment she was born. I was overjoyed, fell in love with her at once and also I was hungry and ate real food for the first time in 9 months. It was a party.
With the second baby, I still felt weird after the first rush of power from a non-sedated delivery had faded. Because I'd told the midwife and OB about it, they were observant, and offered me to stay at the hospital in a private room till I felt better. I needed some peace and calm and care to find myself and her. And during that first night, we found each other and could go home happy and ready for everything. Walking home from the hospital together, in the snow, is still a cherished memory in our family. Others may need more than a day and a night. It's OK.
Regarding your husband and family, it is really difficult. With number one, my family were angry with me for not being happy. In retrospect I can see that both husbands were worried and even depressed because of my "weird" behaviour. I wish I could say it could help if they talked with a midwife or doctor, but my feeling then and now is that this condition is underreported and thus many professionals are as insecure about it as we are. They are very attuned to postpartum depression, but not so much antenatal "depression" or whatever it is. Certainly my doctors and midwives didn't notice or understand it and wouldn't have unless I told them the second time. The woman who ran the preparation class knew about it from experience, and she did invite in fathers, but even she couldn't really help with their perception. The societal image of the radiant, happy pregnant woman is very powerful.
Looking at the comments here, it is lovely to see how many have had a similar experience, including that it went away right away. With that knowledge you can maybe address it directly with your family and husband. You are feeling this way, it is stressfull, you need care and reassurance. You have learnt that this is normal and OK, and that it will go away.
Practically, it's better that you don't buy too much in advance. It's hard to know exactly what you need as a family before the baby is there, and it's a waste of money to buy everything the salespeople want you to. A handful of onesies, some diapers (not too many), probably a pram or stroller with an insert for infants, and you are all set. Maybe look at the Finnish baby box for inspiration.
Good luck with everything. It will be OK, and I'm sure you will love your new baby.
posted by mumimor at 1:45 AM on April 13, 2019 [12 favorites]
What I did was: go to a class where we did some pilates, learnt about birth and infants and had a social with tea and biscuits every time. There I learnt that about half the mothers-to-be were like me, and that helped me deal with it. I strongly recommend that you find a course ASAP.
I also went for walks and bike rides for exercise, which was good both for my body and my mind. And second time round I talked with the midwife and OB about it. At the very least I recommend you do these things.
With the first baby, it went away literally the moment she was born. I was overjoyed, fell in love with her at once and also I was hungry and ate real food for the first time in 9 months. It was a party.
With the second baby, I still felt weird after the first rush of power from a non-sedated delivery had faded. Because I'd told the midwife and OB about it, they were observant, and offered me to stay at the hospital in a private room till I felt better. I needed some peace and calm and care to find myself and her. And during that first night, we found each other and could go home happy and ready for everything. Walking home from the hospital together, in the snow, is still a cherished memory in our family. Others may need more than a day and a night. It's OK.
Regarding your husband and family, it is really difficult. With number one, my family were angry with me for not being happy. In retrospect I can see that both husbands were worried and even depressed because of my "weird" behaviour. I wish I could say it could help if they talked with a midwife or doctor, but my feeling then and now is that this condition is underreported and thus many professionals are as insecure about it as we are. They are very attuned to postpartum depression, but not so much antenatal "depression" or whatever it is. Certainly my doctors and midwives didn't notice or understand it and wouldn't have unless I told them the second time. The woman who ran the preparation class knew about it from experience, and she did invite in fathers, but even she couldn't really help with their perception. The societal image of the radiant, happy pregnant woman is very powerful.
Looking at the comments here, it is lovely to see how many have had a similar experience, including that it went away right away. With that knowledge you can maybe address it directly with your family and husband. You are feeling this way, it is stressfull, you need care and reassurance. You have learnt that this is normal and OK, and that it will go away.
Practically, it's better that you don't buy too much in advance. It's hard to know exactly what you need as a family before the baby is there, and it's a waste of money to buy everything the salespeople want you to. A handful of onesies, some diapers (not too many), probably a pram or stroller with an insert for infants, and you are all set. Maybe look at the Finnish baby box for inspiration.
Good luck with everything. It will be OK, and I'm sure you will love your new baby.
posted by mumimor at 1:45 AM on April 13, 2019 [12 favorites]
I felt this way six months ago too. Now we have a 3.5 month old baby and I love him very much. I was never a “baby person.” I think a lot of people feel ambivalent going into it - after all, there’s a lot of good and bad and it’s a huge change.
Things that made me feel better:
- Speaking with my partner about my anxieties and being as clear as possible that I needed him to do x y and z to make me feel supported. He may not understand why you feel the way you do, but he can damn well change his actions or behaviour if that’s what you need.
-Asking him how he was feeling didn’t make me feel better in the moment (because it took awhile for him to engage with the whole having a baby thing), but the reciprocity helped strengthen our bond which made me feel less alone.
-Doing creative tasks. For me, this was painting a border on the baby’s room, making a mobile out of yarn pom-poms and baking cookies. There were very frequent sitting/water breaks. Doing this type of thing took my mind off things and made me feel in control.
-Taking a childcare class was okay, but the really good thing was getting a WhatsApp group of other pregnant people to commiserate with. A+!
- Even better was pregnancy yoga, aka hanging out in a nice smelling room lying on the floor with other pregnant ladies.
- If it’s doable for you, just start ordering a few baby items off amazon. Zero to Forty weeks 22-25 list every damn baby thing you could ever want. Decide which stuff you need first and what can wait (most of it), then order a few low pressure things like a changing mat to get started. It’s good way to ease into taking action, which will make you feel more prepared and empowered.
I kept trying to do major household chores like buying paint or going to department stores, which was a mistake. I just got frustrated I didn’t have the energy for it.
Sounds like you might already be experiencing this, but parents and in laws, especially if first time grandparents, may put a load of unwanted pressure on you and pepper you with urgent baby advice that’s 30 years out of date. If this happens, make all communication go through your partner (another task he can take over!) and feel free to kick them out of your house.
I didn’t feel much bond at all with the fetus, other than wanting to keep it alive. The first few weeks, in addition to being a hormonal roller coaster, I mostly bonded with the baby through taking care of it. It was sort of like what happens when you have a pet. Now it’s more of a first love feeling, a lovely oxytocin hit, because we hang out all the time and are pals. Once he learned to smile at 4 weeks and breastfeeding wasn’t so hellish any more it made a huge difference. These things take time.
Don’t be ashamed of your very normal feelings. Know that this is one of the few times in life where you can totally and unreservedly put yourself first and tell anyone not on board to put up or shut up.
As for the future: you will be surprised at the amazing reserves of energy and competence you are able to draw on when the situation demands it. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s life changing. But it’s a good change. You’ve got this.
posted by Concordia at 2:14 AM on April 13, 2019 [7 favorites]
Things that made me feel better:
- Speaking with my partner about my anxieties and being as clear as possible that I needed him to do x y and z to make me feel supported. He may not understand why you feel the way you do, but he can damn well change his actions or behaviour if that’s what you need.
-Asking him how he was feeling didn’t make me feel better in the moment (because it took awhile for him to engage with the whole having a baby thing), but the reciprocity helped strengthen our bond which made me feel less alone.
-Doing creative tasks. For me, this was painting a border on the baby’s room, making a mobile out of yarn pom-poms and baking cookies. There were very frequent sitting/water breaks. Doing this type of thing took my mind off things and made me feel in control.
-Taking a childcare class was okay, but the really good thing was getting a WhatsApp group of other pregnant people to commiserate with. A+!
- Even better was pregnancy yoga, aka hanging out in a nice smelling room lying on the floor with other pregnant ladies.
- If it’s doable for you, just start ordering a few baby items off amazon. Zero to Forty weeks 22-25 list every damn baby thing you could ever want. Decide which stuff you need first and what can wait (most of it), then order a few low pressure things like a changing mat to get started. It’s good way to ease into taking action, which will make you feel more prepared and empowered.
I kept trying to do major household chores like buying paint or going to department stores, which was a mistake. I just got frustrated I didn’t have the energy for it.
Sounds like you might already be experiencing this, but parents and in laws, especially if first time grandparents, may put a load of unwanted pressure on you and pepper you with urgent baby advice that’s 30 years out of date. If this happens, make all communication go through your partner (another task he can take over!) and feel free to kick them out of your house.
I didn’t feel much bond at all with the fetus, other than wanting to keep it alive. The first few weeks, in addition to being a hormonal roller coaster, I mostly bonded with the baby through taking care of it. It was sort of like what happens when you have a pet. Now it’s more of a first love feeling, a lovely oxytocin hit, because we hang out all the time and are pals. Once he learned to smile at 4 weeks and breastfeeding wasn’t so hellish any more it made a huge difference. These things take time.
Don’t be ashamed of your very normal feelings. Know that this is one of the few times in life where you can totally and unreservedly put yourself first and tell anyone not on board to put up or shut up.
As for the future: you will be surprised at the amazing reserves of energy and competence you are able to draw on when the situation demands it. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s life changing. But it’s a good change. You’ve got this.
posted by Concordia at 2:14 AM on April 13, 2019 [7 favorites]
I have a 3 week old napping in a sling on my chest right now, so this is all very real and raw for me. I fully expected to have antenatal and postpartum depression, and saw a perinatal psychiatrist and took sertraline throughout my pregnancy. So far I've been feeling pretty upbeat about it, but I do think having support, talking through my feelings and medication helped enormously. I'd make a pretty urgent appointment with your caregiver (OB or midwife) to ask for a referral to a mental health professional to rule out depression.
That said, pregnancy is just so... enormous, I'm not surprised you're feeling numb. I found an antenatal class (we did NCT in the UK) enormously helpful. The WhatsApp group of other first time mums alone has saved my sanity. Just speaking out loud about what you're feeling and discovering that you're not alone and you're not strange can really help.
Feel free to memail me if you want to talk to another new parent.
posted by nerdfish at 2:33 AM on April 13, 2019 [6 favorites]
That said, pregnancy is just so... enormous, I'm not surprised you're feeling numb. I found an antenatal class (we did NCT in the UK) enormously helpful. The WhatsApp group of other first time mums alone has saved my sanity. Just speaking out loud about what you're feeling and discovering that you're not alone and you're not strange can really help.
Feel free to memail me if you want to talk to another new parent.
posted by nerdfish at 2:33 AM on April 13, 2019 [6 favorites]
I mean, I loved my babies but I wasn’t IN LOVE with my babies until they did something more than shart and screech, honestly.
I didn’t really connect to them during the pregnancy (why would I? it’s a bunch of elbows and knees scraping my internal organs) and even afterwards it was all a bit fuzzy and going through-the-motions. I feel like there’s a lot of fake it til you make it in parenting and the glowing expectant mother trope is a handy way to pretend that there isn’t.
I don’t necessarily think this is a medical issue like antenatal depression. By all means talk to your OB/midwife but I don’t think medicalizing not being excited “enough” is helpful sometimes.
What you need to make sure of is that your husband supports YOU. Mine didn’t and it damaged our marriage in ways that I’m still trying to sort out in therapy and our eldest turns 5 tomorrow.
Incidentally, now that she quotes Iron Maiden and asks me about black holes parenting is a hell of a lot more enjoyable! I needed to connect with them as people, not as vessels for my hope for the future.
posted by lydhre at 4:09 AM on April 13, 2019 [12 favorites]
I didn’t really connect to them during the pregnancy (why would I? it’s a bunch of elbows and knees scraping my internal organs) and even afterwards it was all a bit fuzzy and going through-the-motions. I feel like there’s a lot of fake it til you make it in parenting and the glowing expectant mother trope is a handy way to pretend that there isn’t.
I don’t necessarily think this is a medical issue like antenatal depression. By all means talk to your OB/midwife but I don’t think medicalizing not being excited “enough” is helpful sometimes.
What you need to make sure of is that your husband supports YOU. Mine didn’t and it damaged our marriage in ways that I’m still trying to sort out in therapy and our eldest turns 5 tomorrow.
Incidentally, now that she quotes Iron Maiden and asks me about black holes parenting is a hell of a lot more enjoyable! I needed to connect with them as people, not as vessels for my hope for the future.
posted by lydhre at 4:09 AM on April 13, 2019 [12 favorites]
This is not unusual. This is also a very lonely time (honestly I was never lonelier in my marriage than when I was carrying another being around in me 24/7, our experiences felt so far apart), and not the first time in this long process of bearing and raising a child where you’ll wonder if what you’re feeling is out of the ordinary when it’s totally secretly common; talking candidly with other parents helps. Memail me if you (any of you) would like to join the metafilter Facebook group for pregnancy / parenting. Hugs to you if you need some.
posted by sestaaak at 4:54 AM on April 13, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by sestaaak at 4:54 AM on April 13, 2019 [6 favorites]
There isn't that much to do in pregnancy. I'm a huge This Is A Project! person and thought pregnancy would be all making lists and doing things but honestly, the stuff you need to do or even want to do, doesn't fill nine months. You can "get ready" in practical terms in about two days IMO. And believe me, plenty of people head to the hospital with NO idea what they're doing, that's why the nurses help you and give you lots of pamphlets about infant care.
When my (very wanted) baby was born, I hated being pregnant, I had an awful birth, and I looked at her and immediately thought: I've made a HUGE mistake. Like, I knew it takes some people a while to "bond" but my gosh, I never expected to actively regret having the baby. But there it was and I had to learn to accept that feeling and it got better. Not immediately, like months later. But it got so, so, so much better. And I just did it again! Six months ago! And only now am I starting to love kid #2.
The bald truth is we can't guarantee you will feel bonded to your kid or when it will happen but...just give it a while is what I'm saying. And you're not alone.
posted by cpatterson at 4:55 AM on April 13, 2019 [6 favorites]
When my (very wanted) baby was born, I hated being pregnant, I had an awful birth, and I looked at her and immediately thought: I've made a HUGE mistake. Like, I knew it takes some people a while to "bond" but my gosh, I never expected to actively regret having the baby. But there it was and I had to learn to accept that feeling and it got better. Not immediately, like months later. But it got so, so, so much better. And I just did it again! Six months ago! And only now am I starting to love kid #2.
The bald truth is we can't guarantee you will feel bonded to your kid or when it will happen but...just give it a while is what I'm saying. And you're not alone.
posted by cpatterson at 4:55 AM on April 13, 2019 [6 favorites]
Hi, I was you. I was ambivalent and anxious on top of that. It's very normal but our culture doesn't hold space for it. It doesn't mean you won't love your child.
Like others have said I'd see what you can do to negotiate expectations with the baby's father for division of labor. See a counselor together if you need to, or scout a mom-friendly newborn class so spouse hears it from a third party. See if you can get a copy of "How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids."
I'd say all I used at first was car seat and pack n play, and a carrier. No need to invest in a sling carrier if that's overwhelming. The $30 Infantino at Walmart is just fine. We used a k'tan the first 6-9 months and it was very comfy but even if you don't want to babywear it will be ok. Having a first child is a major adjustment and plenty of people aren't that happy about it. A lot of people are faking.
PM me if you're interested in joining a pregnancy/parenting group that is entirely ok with maternal ambivalence.
posted by crunchy potato at 4:59 AM on April 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
Like others have said I'd see what you can do to negotiate expectations with the baby's father for division of labor. See a counselor together if you need to, or scout a mom-friendly newborn class so spouse hears it from a third party. See if you can get a copy of "How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids."
I'd say all I used at first was car seat and pack n play, and a carrier. No need to invest in a sling carrier if that's overwhelming. The $30 Infantino at Walmart is just fine. We used a k'tan the first 6-9 months and it was very comfy but even if you don't want to babywear it will be ok. Having a first child is a major adjustment and plenty of people aren't that happy about it. A lot of people are faking.
PM me if you're interested in joining a pregnancy/parenting group that is entirely ok with maternal ambivalence.
posted by crunchy potato at 4:59 AM on April 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
I was in much the same boat. It's hard, there's so much pressure to express yourself in a certain way that I didnt feel for a long time after my son was born. It doesn't mean you have no capacity for love, and you may just express it in a certain way or develop it in a different time frame. More defined mental health distress is also common and worth raising at your next checkup, but you are not alone.
posted by chiquitita at 6:04 AM on April 13, 2019
posted by chiquitita at 6:04 AM on April 13, 2019
Also, if it helps you feel less alone, go ahead and read the answers on this AskMe from two years ago.
Pregnancy = sometimes (often?) the worst. And it doesn't need to be a challenging pregnancy to still be awful.
posted by kellygrape at 7:39 AM on April 13, 2019
Pregnancy = sometimes (often?) the worst. And it doesn't need to be a challenging pregnancy to still be awful.
posted by kellygrape at 7:39 AM on April 13, 2019
Some great answers above! Just chiming in to say that I'm also 34 weeks pregnant with my first (very wanted, after several losses), and while I'm mostly excited, have definitely also felt like "everything is about to change so, so much, we'll never sleep again, we aren't ready, we don't know how to do this, what have we done?!" Likewise, have bought very little at this point. And we haven't taken any classes yet, though we have some lined up in the next couple of weeks at the hospital where I'll deliver - if this is something available to you, I would recommend it. And I'd also recommend talking to your care provider about how you're feeling, if you haven't already - they will likely have some ideas about other resources.
Please MeMail if you ever want to talk, whether now or after the baby comes! This is a huge transition and I think what you're feeling is completely normal. I will be rooting for you.
posted by Synesthesia at 8:19 AM on April 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
Please MeMail if you ever want to talk, whether now or after the baby comes! This is a huge transition and I think what you're feeling is completely normal. I will be rooting for you.
posted by Synesthesia at 8:19 AM on April 13, 2019 [1 favorite]
I realized after I became a mother that much of what I'd been told about parenthood was patriarchal propaganda designed to control women. Most of it was neither helpful nor accurate.
I hated being pregnant. I felt like I had a terminal illness, I barfed constantly, I told everyone who would listen that I didn't think I wanted a kid after all, it was terrible. Being pregnant is no picnic. Childbirth, on the other hand, was a peak experience for me. Keep in mind that human beings have evolved not to squish the baby. Your biology is on your side here. Get a doula if you can, and have people in the delivery room with you who you want to be there. Labor support helps.
I was terrified when people told me "my life would change." I mean, strictly speaking, this is true, but it's also true when you go to college, fall in love, or take a new job, so. You're not going to become a stranger to yourself, and if you want to, you will still be able to do all the same things after baby is born as before. Babies are deliciously, transgressively portable. There are drummer mothers who gig in clubs with their babies in headphones and a sling on their back. Amanda Palmer has been photographed getting her hair dyed in a nightclub ladies' room.... while nursing. Having a baby means falling in love with a new person you made yourself, it doesn't have to mean turning into a professional permanent nanny with no time off, no pay, and no other interests.
Which brings me to the buried lede: Why is your husband's life not going to change as much as yours? (I mean, I know why: Patriarchy. But know that neither of you have to or should cooperate with that cultural narrative -- it's hard on straight marriages when women become parenting specialists, so maybe spend some time now as a team figuring out how to make sure that you become equally skilled parenting experts when baby comes.)
Things that worked well in this way for my husband and I: I nursed (in charge of inputs), so he changed ALL the diapers (in charge of outputs). I took X weeks of maternity leave before returning to work, at which point he took those same number X weeks of paternity leave and stayed home alone with baby. (Many men will say this isn't possible, but if you can possibly push back on this, do: FMLA helps a little in the U.S. Men should take the same leave as women.) We also used a cosleeper, so no one had to get up at night to feed or comfort a baby, and when nursing didn't help, dad was right there to take a turn comforting. By doing these three things, we kept the parenting expertise and life disruption equal in those early baby days, which was essential for my mental health, our marriage, and ultimately our happiness as a family.
Finally, you don't really need to do a lot of advance prep for baby. Get a carseat so you can take baby home. (We had to send dad out from the hospital to buy one!) Everything else can be purchased as you know what you need and like and get as gifts. That nesting instinct before labor starts is a real thing -- but I used my big burst of energy writing a syllabus for a class I taught the semester baby arrived, so.
Nobody tells pregnant people enough that parenting is fun and a love affair, even if you're ambivalent, uncertain, and the world's okayest mom on your best days. So let me tell you that, because I sure didn't know, those nine long months when allI did was puke and worry unnecessarily.
posted by shadygrove at 9:32 AM on April 13, 2019 [6 favorites]
I hated being pregnant. I felt like I had a terminal illness, I barfed constantly, I told everyone who would listen that I didn't think I wanted a kid after all, it was terrible. Being pregnant is no picnic. Childbirth, on the other hand, was a peak experience for me. Keep in mind that human beings have evolved not to squish the baby. Your biology is on your side here. Get a doula if you can, and have people in the delivery room with you who you want to be there. Labor support helps.
I was terrified when people told me "my life would change." I mean, strictly speaking, this is true, but it's also true when you go to college, fall in love, or take a new job, so. You're not going to become a stranger to yourself, and if you want to, you will still be able to do all the same things after baby is born as before. Babies are deliciously, transgressively portable. There are drummer mothers who gig in clubs with their babies in headphones and a sling on their back. Amanda Palmer has been photographed getting her hair dyed in a nightclub ladies' room.... while nursing. Having a baby means falling in love with a new person you made yourself, it doesn't have to mean turning into a professional permanent nanny with no time off, no pay, and no other interests.
Which brings me to the buried lede: Why is your husband's life not going to change as much as yours? (I mean, I know why: Patriarchy. But know that neither of you have to or should cooperate with that cultural narrative -- it's hard on straight marriages when women become parenting specialists, so maybe spend some time now as a team figuring out how to make sure that you become equally skilled parenting experts when baby comes.)
Things that worked well in this way for my husband and I: I nursed (in charge of inputs), so he changed ALL the diapers (in charge of outputs). I took X weeks of maternity leave before returning to work, at which point he took those same number X weeks of paternity leave and stayed home alone with baby. (Many men will say this isn't possible, but if you can possibly push back on this, do: FMLA helps a little in the U.S. Men should take the same leave as women.) We also used a cosleeper, so no one had to get up at night to feed or comfort a baby, and when nursing didn't help, dad was right there to take a turn comforting. By doing these three things, we kept the parenting expertise and life disruption equal in those early baby days, which was essential for my mental health, our marriage, and ultimately our happiness as a family.
Finally, you don't really need to do a lot of advance prep for baby. Get a carseat so you can take baby home. (We had to send dad out from the hospital to buy one!) Everything else can be purchased as you know what you need and like and get as gifts. That nesting instinct before labor starts is a real thing -- but I used my big burst of energy writing a syllabus for a class I taught the semester baby arrived, so.
Nobody tells pregnant people enough that parenting is fun and a love affair, even if you're ambivalent, uncertain, and the world's okayest mom on your best days. So let me tell you that, because I sure didn't know, those nine long months when allI did was puke and worry unnecessarily.
posted by shadygrove at 9:32 AM on April 13, 2019 [6 favorites]
It sounds like this may be more of an issue of feeling unconnected with your spouse more than the baby. It makes sense in a way to feel unconnected to the baby because that is a person that you don't even know yet.
But every day you are facing the responsibility of caring for this being; watching what you eat, modifying your life, fretting over every tuurn and kick or lack thereof. It's a lot of responsibility, especially when it involves someone that you have not had the opportunity to become attached to yet.
I remember my spouse going about his daily life too and feeling so resentful; I still had to hold up my end of the chores (to prove that I was strong and capable), still had to get my work done, and well (to prove that I was still, and would continue to be, a valuable employee), had to figure out how to get to doctors appointments without taking too much leave time (because I would need that money during my actual leave) and without impacting the rest of our life and social obligations too much; had to be happy happy joy joy in front of other people even when I was exhausted and worried because my SO is particularly anxious about offending other people regardless of what harm may come to us; plus I had to be the one to learn about medical issues, newborn care issues, and then turn around and teach it all to him. It was just A. Lot. All at once.
I was lucky that I'd gotten involved early with a group of women who were also pregnant. We got together a couple of times a month to share our challenges.
I finally sat my SO down and admitted how overwhelmed I was feeling. We went to a parent-to-be class at the hospital. We took a separate class just about breastfeeding (by far the best education that we've ever taken - it taught hubby about what support I would need in the early days, and when we did have trouble we recognized it early and knew where to get help). We stayed connected with our pregnancy support group (we started getting the guys to come sometimes so they could supoort each other).
Your SO might just not see how overwhlemed you are feeling, or they may be feeling overwhelmed themselves and are trying to hide it from you to not stress you out. Talking may help. A support group may help. A low dose anxiety med from your dr may help. Just know that your feelings are yours and they are real and they are valid, and that it's not unusual to have these feelings, but that there are ways to resolve them. Don't be afraid to admit them though, just admitting them will go a long way towards finding a way to resolve them.
posted by vignettist at 10:25 AM on April 13, 2019 [4 favorites]
But every day you are facing the responsibility of caring for this being; watching what you eat, modifying your life, fretting over every tuurn and kick or lack thereof. It's a lot of responsibility, especially when it involves someone that you have not had the opportunity to become attached to yet.
I remember my spouse going about his daily life too and feeling so resentful; I still had to hold up my end of the chores (to prove that I was strong and capable), still had to get my work done, and well (to prove that I was still, and would continue to be, a valuable employee), had to figure out how to get to doctors appointments without taking too much leave time (because I would need that money during my actual leave) and without impacting the rest of our life and social obligations too much; had to be happy happy joy joy in front of other people even when I was exhausted and worried because my SO is particularly anxious about offending other people regardless of what harm may come to us; plus I had to be the one to learn about medical issues, newborn care issues, and then turn around and teach it all to him. It was just A. Lot. All at once.
I was lucky that I'd gotten involved early with a group of women who were also pregnant. We got together a couple of times a month to share our challenges.
I finally sat my SO down and admitted how overwhelmed I was feeling. We went to a parent-to-be class at the hospital. We took a separate class just about breastfeeding (by far the best education that we've ever taken - it taught hubby about what support I would need in the early days, and when we did have trouble we recognized it early and knew where to get help). We stayed connected with our pregnancy support group (we started getting the guys to come sometimes so they could supoort each other).
Your SO might just not see how overwhlemed you are feeling, or they may be feeling overwhelmed themselves and are trying to hide it from you to not stress you out. Talking may help. A support group may help. A low dose anxiety med from your dr may help. Just know that your feelings are yours and they are real and they are valid, and that it's not unusual to have these feelings, but that there are ways to resolve them. Don't be afraid to admit them though, just admitting them will go a long way towards finding a way to resolve them.
posted by vignettist at 10:25 AM on April 13, 2019 [4 favorites]
I’m a foster parent and have had babies brought to my home on short notice.
Before fostering, I expected to “love” these infants immediately as individuals. But I didn’t — I loved them in a General way as tiny human beings in need of care.
In fostering, some kids leave quickly and some kids stay a long time (even forever if you get to foster-adopt.) I’ve truly loved the ones that stayed for a long time, as I got to know them and our relationship grew.
I think it truly can feel the same for a new mother. Sometimes the hormones make you love the new baby immediately, but sometimes they don’t. The new baby is a stranger, you’re building the relationship over time.
I suggest getting assessed by your medical professionals for antenatal & postpartum depression. And seeking treatments if recommended. But I also suggest accepting how you feel about the child, without judging yourself.
posted by ElisaOS at 10:30 AM on April 13, 2019 [3 favorites]
Before fostering, I expected to “love” these infants immediately as individuals. But I didn’t — I loved them in a General way as tiny human beings in need of care.
In fostering, some kids leave quickly and some kids stay a long time (even forever if you get to foster-adopt.) I’ve truly loved the ones that stayed for a long time, as I got to know them and our relationship grew.
I think it truly can feel the same for a new mother. Sometimes the hormones make you love the new baby immediately, but sometimes they don’t. The new baby is a stranger, you’re building the relationship over time.
I suggest getting assessed by your medical professionals for antenatal & postpartum depression. And seeking treatments if recommended. But I also suggest accepting how you feel about the child, without judging yourself.
posted by ElisaOS at 10:30 AM on April 13, 2019 [3 favorites]
Just a little anecdote:
When I was pregnant the first time, it was terrible. I had HG, but despite lots of visits to the hospital, I wasn't well treated. My then husband was already an ass but while I was pregnant he had an affair with a student. We had a business together and he wouldn't/couldn't deal with the economic responsibilities so I couldn't slack for a minute.
So one night we were at a huge party, and at some point I left the building to find a place where I could have some milk, one of the few foodstuffs I could digest. On the way back, I met a couple we knew, and they were all fawning and blabbering about me being pregnant. So they asked how I felt. I replied honestly: terrible. Then the wife went on to say how weird that was, and that she had never felt better in her life than when she was pregnant. I felt like barfing all over her.
Then the husband said: mumimor: imagine the only time in your long life you feel great is those short nine months when you are pregnant. She shut up, and I felt a lot better.
posted by mumimor at 12:45 PM on April 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
When I was pregnant the first time, it was terrible. I had HG, but despite lots of visits to the hospital, I wasn't well treated. My then husband was already an ass but while I was pregnant he had an affair with a student. We had a business together and he wouldn't/couldn't deal with the economic responsibilities so I couldn't slack for a minute.
So one night we were at a huge party, and at some point I left the building to find a place where I could have some milk, one of the few foodstuffs I could digest. On the way back, I met a couple we knew, and they were all fawning and blabbering about me being pregnant. So they asked how I felt. I replied honestly: terrible. Then the wife went on to say how weird that was, and that she had never felt better in her life than when she was pregnant. I felt like barfing all over her.
Then the husband said: mumimor: imagine the only time in your long life you feel great is those short nine months when you are pregnant. She shut up, and I felt a lot better.
posted by mumimor at 12:45 PM on April 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
There's nothing wrong with you, but you might want to find a therapist now (research one, interview them, start seeing them) so that you have them as a resource once you're postpartum. I think it would have made a big difference to me if I had had that. And once you've found one, you can talk about this antenatal unease you're feeing... if nothing else, it will feel good to have a professional's attention focused 100% on you and not on your little passenger.
Postpartum is a hard road, even if you've been really looking forward to it, even if your spouse is great, and it's no time to have to start finding a shrink. If you're lucky, you won't really need one. But I think a lot of people do, and don't get it because it's just too hard to start setting it up once babby is on the scene.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:57 PM on April 14, 2019 [1 favorite]
Postpartum is a hard road, even if you've been really looking forward to it, even if your spouse is great, and it's no time to have to start finding a shrink. If you're lucky, you won't really need one. But I think a lot of people do, and don't get it because it's just too hard to start setting it up once babby is on the scene.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:57 PM on April 14, 2019 [1 favorite]
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You could try a support group for people with pregnancy-related depression, too.
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:28 PM on April 12, 2019 [3 favorites]