Stage fright/performance anxiety in a five year old
April 12, 2019 5:55 AM Subscribe
Our daughter is a bold and fearless kid, and loves to be the center of attention—unless it’s in the context of an organized activity in which she is the center of attention, in which case she freezes, cries, and steadfastly refuses to participate. We want her to have the toolset to feel comfortable with these scenarios, even if it’s just feeling comfortable sitting on the sidelines.
As an example—last year, she had a year-end dance recital at her nursery school. Based on past experience, we didn’t think she actually participate, so we went but kept it very low key—she could perform if she wanted, and in all cases we would celebrate with her friends when her class was finished. Result: passionate wailing and self-recriminations throughout. The other parents’ videos must be rather amusing, tbh.
We had a similar experience yesterday with her pre-K “final project”—an in-class “store” where the kids were to sell things to their parents. It was a little better, since each kid was really just interacting with their own family, but she was clearly pained nonetheless. As soon as it was over, she was back to being the class leader, organizing all the activities.
Again, we don’t care if she dances or sells us tissue paper flowers, but we want her to feel comfortable and not self-flagellate when it’s time for these activities. We are certainly mindful of the fact that she’s just five, but at the same time, there will be fewer opportunities for us as parents to hold her hand as she transitions to public kindergarten in the fall.
How have you given your kids tools to find their confidence in these kinds of situations?
As an example—last year, she had a year-end dance recital at her nursery school. Based on past experience, we didn’t think she actually participate, so we went but kept it very low key—she could perform if she wanted, and in all cases we would celebrate with her friends when her class was finished. Result: passionate wailing and self-recriminations throughout. The other parents’ videos must be rather amusing, tbh.
We had a similar experience yesterday with her pre-K “final project”—an in-class “store” where the kids were to sell things to their parents. It was a little better, since each kid was really just interacting with their own family, but she was clearly pained nonetheless. As soon as it was over, she was back to being the class leader, organizing all the activities.
Again, we don’t care if she dances or sells us tissue paper flowers, but we want her to feel comfortable and not self-flagellate when it’s time for these activities. We are certainly mindful of the fact that she’s just five, but at the same time, there will be fewer opportunities for us as parents to hold her hand as she transitions to public kindergarten in the fall.
How have you given your kids tools to find their confidence in these kinds of situations?
She's just 5. Really, the mind of child, and all that. I have 3 grown adult kids. All had different levels of social behavior that was seemingly contradictory especially at this age.
From your explanation, seems like a fairly simple situation thing (which you already identified and makes sense); she's in control, she's fine to run with things. She's not in control/feels she's being 'forced', she rebels.
Fairly normal reaction for many kids, even older than 5. One of mine, up through 6th grade loved activities, would be excited to do anything. But you change the schedule on them unexpectedly, even if it was to do something they wanted, they would collapse in an inconsolable heap, fetal position and scream and cry for 1/2 hour.
We would ignore it and step over them, even at parties. They eventually matured out of it.
5 years old? They're not old enough to be able to comprehend or implement 'coping' mechanisms. Don't fret, don't worry, don't let them impact other people's good time, but nothing they do at 5 is going to really have major long term impacts.
I'm not a doctor or psychologist, but my kids all seem fairly well grounded.
posted by rich at 7:27 AM on April 12, 2019 [4 favorites]
From your explanation, seems like a fairly simple situation thing (which you already identified and makes sense); she's in control, she's fine to run with things. She's not in control/feels she's being 'forced', she rebels.
Fairly normal reaction for many kids, even older than 5. One of mine, up through 6th grade loved activities, would be excited to do anything. But you change the schedule on them unexpectedly, even if it was to do something they wanted, they would collapse in an inconsolable heap, fetal position and scream and cry for 1/2 hour.
We would ignore it and step over them, even at parties. They eventually matured out of it.
5 years old? They're not old enough to be able to comprehend or implement 'coping' mechanisms. Don't fret, don't worry, don't let them impact other people's good time, but nothing they do at 5 is going to really have major long term impacts.
I'm not a doctor or psychologist, but my kids all seem fairly well grounded.
posted by rich at 7:27 AM on April 12, 2019 [4 favorites]
I have had good luck with my own kid with practicing correct behavior ahead of time. Creating a script basically. Like, talk about how she seems to feel overwhelmed with all these people looking at her? Is that right? What can she do to help herself keep from getting overwhelmed? And if she just can’t handle it? What is the right thing to do?
For the ballet, and really any kind of group “performance,” it is absolutely okay for her to move to the back and be a “helper” by supporting the other kids. She can take a deep breath, she can say to you or a nearby adult, “I need a little break” and can turn around or go off to the side and take a deep breath. Think through the scenario ahead of time and “practice” with her. Talk her through what it will be like and what kind of interactions she is likely to have. She might tell you her fears while you discuss it and then you can address those. “What if I mess up?” You: “that’s okay, you are a kid and no one expects you to be perfect. This is supposed to be just a fun thing where you get to try something new and some kids looove this kind of play and other kids don’t. It’s okay if you want to sit down or let someone else go in front or just be a watcher but it’s not okay to scream or cry dramatically. We want to make sure to support our friends and teachers and we do that by keeping calm, taking care of ourselves with deep breaths or stepping back and it’s okay to come sit with me. I promise I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. We’ll clap and cheer at the end!”
My kid is fairly high energy and very capable kid, she’s a “leader” of many activities but has also gotten overwhelmed with “performance” and has been very, very dramatic in public. I think she just wants to have, you know, a Katy Perry performance on a kid’s skills and talents and gets so frustrated. The only thing that helped was pro-actively getting out in front of it and giving her exact things she could say or do.
Also, as she has matured, I have had to do this so much less. But if your kid is bright and capable early, I think it’s harder because they just have so many big ideas but they just aren’t capable of executing yet. It’s kind of heartbreaking when you think of it that way. Bright brain, bear paws. Raaaaaarrrr....
posted by amanda at 8:06 AM on April 12, 2019 [5 favorites]
For the ballet, and really any kind of group “performance,” it is absolutely okay for her to move to the back and be a “helper” by supporting the other kids. She can take a deep breath, she can say to you or a nearby adult, “I need a little break” and can turn around or go off to the side and take a deep breath. Think through the scenario ahead of time and “practice” with her. Talk her through what it will be like and what kind of interactions she is likely to have. She might tell you her fears while you discuss it and then you can address those. “What if I mess up?” You: “that’s okay, you are a kid and no one expects you to be perfect. This is supposed to be just a fun thing where you get to try something new and some kids looove this kind of play and other kids don’t. It’s okay if you want to sit down or let someone else go in front or just be a watcher but it’s not okay to scream or cry dramatically. We want to make sure to support our friends and teachers and we do that by keeping calm, taking care of ourselves with deep breaths or stepping back and it’s okay to come sit with me. I promise I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. We’ll clap and cheer at the end!”
My kid is fairly high energy and very capable kid, she’s a “leader” of many activities but has also gotten overwhelmed with “performance” and has been very, very dramatic in public. I think she just wants to have, you know, a Katy Perry performance on a kid’s skills and talents and gets so frustrated. The only thing that helped was pro-actively getting out in front of it and giving her exact things she could say or do.
Also, as she has matured, I have had to do this so much less. But if your kid is bright and capable early, I think it’s harder because they just have so many big ideas but they just aren’t capable of executing yet. It’s kind of heartbreaking when you think of it that way. Bright brain, bear paws. Raaaaaarrrr....
posted by amanda at 8:06 AM on April 12, 2019 [5 favorites]
What does she say about it, if you ask her without laying your own anxiety or pushiness on the question?
posted by clawsoon at 9:40 AM on April 12, 2019
posted by clawsoon at 9:40 AM on April 12, 2019
(BTW, I don't mean "pushiness" as any kind of accusation, and probably could've found a better word. I just know that with my own conversations and relationships, I get more honest and useful responses if I'm able to separate myself from my own agenda/pushiness/anxieties. That word is not a good one, though, and I apologize for that.)
posted by clawsoon at 10:09 AM on April 12, 2019
posted by clawsoon at 10:09 AM on April 12, 2019
we went but kept it very low key—she could perform if she wanted, and in all cases we would celebrate with her friends when her class was finished. Result: passionate wailing and self-recriminations throughout.
You totally said and did the right things to take the pressure off and let her enjoy the day. It sounds like she's got big confusing feelings. Somehow, someway, she's picked up the idea that she's wrong not to perform, and it conflicts with what she wants in the moment, maybe what she wanted the day before, with what you're telling her, what she thinks other kids want...who knows, sometimes ideas sprout from innocuous things and then take off running.
After the fact, can she explain what she was feeling and why it made her so upset?
posted by desuetude at 11:04 AM on April 12, 2019
You totally said and did the right things to take the pressure off and let her enjoy the day. It sounds like she's got big confusing feelings. Somehow, someway, she's picked up the idea that she's wrong not to perform, and it conflicts with what she wants in the moment, maybe what she wanted the day before, with what you're telling her, what she thinks other kids want...who knows, sometimes ideas sprout from innocuous things and then take off running.
After the fact, can she explain what she was feeling and why it made her so upset?
posted by desuetude at 11:04 AM on April 12, 2019
Traditionally, the best way to address this and give your child tools for the future is by reading. Does your wee ballerina have Angelina on Stage? Or Celestine: Drama Queen? They are both characters she might identify with, but there's an entire library of engaging, charming, non-preachy books about stage fright she might enjoy as part of her normal story rotation.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:41 PM on April 12, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:41 PM on April 12, 2019 [1 favorite]
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