Help me deal with this crush that's eating my concentration
April 10, 2019 9:57 PM Subscribe
I have developed a crush on a coworker/friend that's become super distracting. It is also inappropriate for various reasons including: I have a partner; it's in the workplace; they're not attracted to my gender. Can you help me get over this?
Some background (really trying not to have a wall of text, but probably failing):
I am a serial crush-haver (even while in a relationship) but this one is really getting to me. Of course I've spent too much time thinking about why. I think it's a combo of:
-they're everywhere: they text me, they're my friend on various social media and like most of my posts, they're in my workplace though I don't work with them directly, we've hung out outside of work sometimes (generally in a group with my friends or other work people. One time they asked me if I wanted to hang one on one but later made it clear they weren't planning on it anymore; that was weird)
-there's intermittent reinforcement: sometimes they text a lot, sometimes they don't; sometimes they want to meet up, sometimes they mysteriously cancel; they don't usually seek me out but when I come to them we sometimes talk for hours (They tend to initiate more digital stuff whereas I drop by more IRL. I think they enjoy it, I try hard not to overstay my welcome, I do it maybe once or twice a week, generally when there is news relevant to our shared interests (and usually not for hours). They seek me out at workplace get-togethers if I haven't dropped by in a while)
-they're much more conventionally attractive (and younger) than people who are usually interested in talking to me/I am usually interested in
-they fill my need for bantering conversation (and since they're not attracted to my gender I know I've let the flirtatious vibes escalate further than I would if there were any chance of anything actually happening between us).
I am trying to use the crush energy to do positive things in other areas of my life, with a lot of success (objectively; subjectively I feel pretty terrible). Most dramatically, I've used it as motivation to apply for an interesting job elsewhere which I'm currently interviewing for, so I can maybe break out of this cycle. I've used it to work on exercising and creative pursuits. I have also tried to channel it into my relationship with my partner, which sometimes works. But my partner has a lot going on currently so doesn't have the most energy for me right now. I recognize that this is probably burying the lede, but I am not sure how to fix it since their stress is due to factors beyond my control that aren't going to improve anytime soon.
This is the point where you tell me that I've gotta go no contact with my crush, right? It just seems hard to do that because I see them at work (though not necessarily every day), plus they are a genuinely nice person I enjoy talking to (it's not their fault I'm having this crush). I would welcome that or any other advice, though, thanks.
Some background (really trying not to have a wall of text, but probably failing):
I am a serial crush-haver (even while in a relationship) but this one is really getting to me. Of course I've spent too much time thinking about why. I think it's a combo of:
-they're everywhere: they text me, they're my friend on various social media and like most of my posts, they're in my workplace though I don't work with them directly, we've hung out outside of work sometimes (generally in a group with my friends or other work people. One time they asked me if I wanted to hang one on one but later made it clear they weren't planning on it anymore; that was weird)
-there's intermittent reinforcement: sometimes they text a lot, sometimes they don't; sometimes they want to meet up, sometimes they mysteriously cancel; they don't usually seek me out but when I come to them we sometimes talk for hours (They tend to initiate more digital stuff whereas I drop by more IRL. I think they enjoy it, I try hard not to overstay my welcome, I do it maybe once or twice a week, generally when there is news relevant to our shared interests (and usually not for hours). They seek me out at workplace get-togethers if I haven't dropped by in a while)
-they're much more conventionally attractive (and younger) than people who are usually interested in talking to me/I am usually interested in
-they fill my need for bantering conversation (and since they're not attracted to my gender I know I've let the flirtatious vibes escalate further than I would if there were any chance of anything actually happening between us).
I am trying to use the crush energy to do positive things in other areas of my life, with a lot of success (objectively; subjectively I feel pretty terrible). Most dramatically, I've used it as motivation to apply for an interesting job elsewhere which I'm currently interviewing for, so I can maybe break out of this cycle. I've used it to work on exercising and creative pursuits. I have also tried to channel it into my relationship with my partner, which sometimes works. But my partner has a lot going on currently so doesn't have the most energy for me right now. I recognize that this is probably burying the lede, but I am not sure how to fix it since their stress is due to factors beyond my control that aren't going to improve anytime soon.
This is the point where you tell me that I've gotta go no contact with my crush, right? It just seems hard to do that because I see them at work (though not necessarily every day), plus they are a genuinely nice person I enjoy talking to (it's not their fault I'm having this crush). I would welcome that or any other advice, though, thanks.
I’m not sure what you’re asking for, but if a possible negative aspect of this behavior would help, see below (spoiler spacing):
As best as a I can make out one of you has a queer identity. Flirting in this situation can be fun, but it’s also tinged by some low-level homophobia/othering/objectification. The straight person can always plausibly deny there was any flirtation and even if I sometimes “play back” it generally leaves me feeling kinda yuck when straight women do this. If the other person is a gay man there’s a different dynamic at play that still touches on being a stereotyped flirty-gay-friend, etc. Be better to your crush or yourself depending on who you are in this. So if that helps, there you go.
posted by Iteki at 11:17 PM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]
As best as a I can make out one of you has a queer identity. Flirting in this situation can be fun, but it’s also tinged by some low-level homophobia/othering/objectification. The straight person can always plausibly deny there was any flirtation and even if I sometimes “play back” it generally leaves me feeling kinda yuck when straight women do this. If the other person is a gay man there’s a different dynamic at play that still touches on being a stereotyped flirty-gay-friend, etc. Be better to your crush or yourself depending on who you are in this. So if that helps, there you go.
posted by Iteki at 11:17 PM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]
You can mute them onFacebook Messenger, Twitter, and Instagram. They won't know, and you'll still be able to see/respond to their content. You can choose to go and look for their posts, but while muted, they won't suddenly "pop up" when you weren't even thinking about them.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:20 AM on April 11, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:20 AM on April 11, 2019 [1 favorite]
As a periodic crush-haver, I can say journalling can be helpful to process without putting the emotional burden of listening to you obsess about your crush onto other people. It can also be useful to tease out things like why you feel drawn to this person and what need in your life they are currently meeting and brainstorm other ways for you to meet that need. I can definitely say that thinking about my crushes (instead of just trying to suppress the feelings) has helped me understand better the ways I relate to the sex that I am attracted to and that is actually useful information to utilise for actual relationships going forward.
It looks like you're doing really well in finding healthy ways to move forward, I hope things work out with your partner's stress levels soon and that relationship begins to stabilise.
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:35 AM on April 11, 2019 [2 favorites]
It looks like you're doing really well in finding healthy ways to move forward, I hope things work out with your partner's stress levels soon and that relationship begins to stabilise.
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:35 AM on April 11, 2019 [2 favorites]
Oh gosh, I know this feeling. It really sucks. You have my eternal sympathy.
I strongly recommend reading psychologist Dorothy Tennov's book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. It is about these horrible crushes, and why we get them, and what to do about it. If you're like me, knowing how common this situation is will also help you overcome the icky shame feelings.
And yeah: you know what you have to do. And that is stop seeing them. Worry less about their feelings -- they will get over it. You gotta look out for yourself right now and the only way to get your head space and life back is to go cold turkey.
(On a side note, with the benefit of hindsight, I can look back on someone I had a dreadful miserable crush on years ago and see that this wasn't entirely innocent on his part. He engaged in pretty similar stuff to what you describe -- being kinda flirty but always with plausible deniability, inviting me to stuff that could have been date-ish but then not always following through, being in and out of contact, super intimate and personal one moment and then very vague and casual the next. I realized after an embarrassingly long time that he was doing this to several different people at the same time, all of whom were in the same mess of feelings. I really liked that guy - but I can now say with absolute certainty he was a gaslighting douche. I wonder if you have something similar going on here.)
posted by EllaEm at 6:28 AM on April 11, 2019 [18 favorites]
I strongly recommend reading psychologist Dorothy Tennov's book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. It is about these horrible crushes, and why we get them, and what to do about it. If you're like me, knowing how common this situation is will also help you overcome the icky shame feelings.
And yeah: you know what you have to do. And that is stop seeing them. Worry less about their feelings -- they will get over it. You gotta look out for yourself right now and the only way to get your head space and life back is to go cold turkey.
(On a side note, with the benefit of hindsight, I can look back on someone I had a dreadful miserable crush on years ago and see that this wasn't entirely innocent on his part. He engaged in pretty similar stuff to what you describe -- being kinda flirty but always with plausible deniability, inviting me to stuff that could have been date-ish but then not always following through, being in and out of contact, super intimate and personal one moment and then very vague and casual the next. I realized after an embarrassingly long time that he was doing this to several different people at the same time, all of whom were in the same mess of feelings. I really liked that guy - but I can now say with absolute certainty he was a gaslighting douche. I wonder if you have something similar going on here.)
posted by EllaEm at 6:28 AM on April 11, 2019 [18 favorites]
Also, I found journaling to be helpful sometimes, but it occasionally backfired when it just became an opportunity to wallow and ruminate in the feelings even more intensely. The only thing that really worked was keeping my mind distracted, and not letting myself think about it. As someone above said, it's really similar to maladaptive daydreaming and to rumination/intrusive thoughts. The same techniques used for that can help with limerent crushes.
posted by EllaEm at 6:31 AM on April 11, 2019
posted by EllaEm at 6:31 AM on April 11, 2019
It seems to me that you are still preoccupied with wondering whether the crush has feelings for you (understandably! Seems like some mixed signals here!). I think you need to put those questions aside by understanding that this doesn’t matter. You have a partner you want to stick with (right?). So whether or not this crush is interested in you is immaterial—you are not interested or looking. (That’s not to say it doesn’t feel nice to have someone interested in you—it does! Which kind of explains the crush’s own behavior...)
posted by sallybrown at 7:55 AM on April 11, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by sallybrown at 7:55 AM on April 11, 2019 [1 favorite]
Some people can entertain crushes in a harmless way. You've learned you can't. I think this is what you're looking for here, so I'll say it: are you committed to your partner? If so, act like it. This is grown-person time.
posted by praemunire at 8:08 AM on April 11, 2019
posted by praemunire at 8:08 AM on April 11, 2019
Another way you could try to manage it is to a) admit fully to yourself that you're attracted to them, b) assume they are at least in some way attracted to you, too (this curbs some of that rumination), and c) decide for real that you will never, ever do anything about it. Never. You won't tell them, you won't put yourself in situations where anything could happen, you won't let yourself emotionally drift from your partner. You are partnered and monogamous and any fantasies or daydreaming will be stopped the SECOND you catch yourself spinning off. Full stop. Put them in a different category in your head: a person I am crushing on that is fun to crush on but is openly and fully within my mindscape forever platonic and just for fun.
I'm not saying this is easy. When I've crushed too hard (and I have several times: it's actually no fun and feels utterly hellish), it's always turned out to be that something is missing for me and I'm using it like a drug. Not on purpose! But either I was low grade depressed or I was feeling disappointed in my partner's behavior or I was in a frumpy "my life sucks right now" phase. So this crush, while probably a real part of being attracted to someone, may also be a way to get that sweet, sweet limerence high. When things are going well, I still find peeps attractive but I don't fixate the way you describe here. The volume's turned way down.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 11:23 AM on April 12, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm not saying this is easy. When I've crushed too hard (and I have several times: it's actually no fun and feels utterly hellish), it's always turned out to be that something is missing for me and I'm using it like a drug. Not on purpose! But either I was low grade depressed or I was feeling disappointed in my partner's behavior or I was in a frumpy "my life sucks right now" phase. So this crush, while probably a real part of being attracted to someone, may also be a way to get that sweet, sweet limerence high. When things are going well, I still find peeps attractive but I don't fixate the way you describe here. The volume's turned way down.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 11:23 AM on April 12, 2019 [1 favorite]
- there has been some MetaTalk about limerence, but according to this blogpost/ Guide To Limerence there are 3 ways to "get over" this "crazy in love feeling":
1.) Reciprocation: limerence fades because of the certainty of their LO's love and affection for them
2.) Transference: the limerent switches the limerence to a new LO
3.) Starvation: feelings diminish painfully over a period of time where there is no hope for reciprocation; agonizing because all of the hope dies out very slowly. Severe throbbing, aching, and longing of the heart is expected.
posted by mrmarley at 9:41 AM on April 16, 2019
1.) Reciprocation: limerence fades because of the certainty of their LO's love and affection for them
2.) Transference: the limerent switches the limerence to a new LO
3.) Starvation: feelings diminish painfully over a period of time where there is no hope for reciprocation; agonizing because all of the hope dies out very slowly. Severe throbbing, aching, and longing of the heart is expected.
posted by mrmarley at 9:41 AM on April 16, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
Sounds like you've got a handle on appropriate responses to this thing, at least for those aspects of it that are visible to other people. So your only pressing problem is dealing with the fact that this crush in particular, and worrying about crushes in general, is extremely distracting and possibly a source of internal shame.
I don't think you have a crush problem: I think you have a rumination and/or intrusive thoughts problem. Work on solving that and after a few years I would expect you to end up in a place where you are fully capable of enjoying the intensely pleasant feelings that certain other people occasionally prompt in you while taking further genuine pleasure in your ability to channel those feelings toward positive ends.
posted by flabdablet at 10:18 PM on April 10, 2019 [13 favorites]