How does one handle false rumors at work?
April 10, 2019 6:27 AM   Subscribe

At a recent staff social, several were over served and now there are false rumors about what really happened. How do I do damage control?

At a recent staff social several of us were over served. We are a close staff in a small community, and functions like this are fairly common. We all work in a very public job and are well known in our community. One staff member who was not in attendance told me several things she heard happened at the social that could be extremely detrimental to all of us professionally. In speaking with others, I have since learned these alleged rumors are false. I was over served ro the point of having cloudy memories, and believed her until I attempted to corroborate her story.

How do I handle this moving forward? Admittedly this person is known for telling lies and her non-attendance could be seen as further reason to not believe her claims, still, it bothers me and has me extremely concerned for my career. Others in my profession have been fired for far less than what her rumors allege happened.
posted by Sequined Ballet Flats to Work & Money (24 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
When you say "over served" do you mean "drank too much alcohol"? I realize your question as formulated is about damage control but that language (avoiding taking responsibility for drinking too much in a situation where that really matters) seems like a big red flag to me.
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:42 AM on April 10, 2019 [78 favorites]


Don't discuss the rumors, and if anyone brings them up, shrug and say "I didn't see anything like that." Make them as boring to talk to you about as you possibly can.

And don't have more than one drink at a company event, period. You weren't "over-served", you drank too much. Take ownership of it and don't do it again. I've been in an industry where parties with alcohol were a thing, and people got wasted and did stupid stuff that affected their careers, their reputations, and often their marriages. It's a bad scene. Opt out.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:42 AM on April 10, 2019 [45 favorites]


At a recent staff social several of us were over served.

Sorry to be blunt, but it's hard to parse what actually happened here, so I'm going to address one phrasing you use.

Reframe what happened on your end. You weren't over-served, you chose to drink however much you chose to drink. Whatever ends up shaking out with this rumor(?) in your work community, I think you'd probably want to start by acknowledging that at work events, you need to make it an active priority to not drink more than your limit to the point of cloudy memory/judgment. Framing it as being a passive observer (I was over-served) rather than an active participant (I chose to drink x amount) sets you up to always be at the whim of other people's decisions, gossip, pouring methods, etc.

I suspect that if you frame your decision making more actively, it will help you discover how to handle situations like these moving forward. Best of luck.
posted by seemoorglass at 6:43 AM on April 10, 2019 [6 favorites]


Wait, why would you believe someone who wasn’t even there regarding events that happened that night? At best she’s repeating something she heard. Did you ask who told her this, because that’s where I would start. Also, if you’re drinking to the point where you’re relying on someone who didn’t even attend to tell you about what you did there, that would be my main focus of concern.
posted by Jubey at 6:46 AM on April 10, 2019 [4 favorites]


ask her who told her these things. if she knows there was public intoxication to the point of theoretical bad behavior, someone must have told her at least that much about what happened, even if she added her own inventions onto that (and she might not have; her source might have told her all of whatever it was she repeated back to you.)

but the thing is, you don't remember. you believed her at first, or at least believed it was possible you had done whatever it was. then, other witnesses denied it, and now you believe them, although I take it you still don't remember clearly. so -- the problem is solved. other attendees are closing ranks and saying IT, whatever IT was, didn't happen. it's all of your words against hers. Unless there are witnesses from outside your group (to something you don't think even happened) it seems like you're safe.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:48 AM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]


Just to step in on the term 'overserved' -- I would not read it as a red-flag failure to take responsibility. It's a usage I've picked up myself from my harder-drinking parents, who were NY professionals starting in the Mad Men era, but it's just a synonym for 'got drunk' rather than an actual attempt to shift blame on the person pouring the drinks. I mean, the origin was joky blameshifting, but I hear the word as a neutral euphemism with no remaining attempt to cloud the meaning.
posted by LizardBreath at 7:03 AM on April 10, 2019 [10 favorites]


The only thing you can do is be scrupulously professional in the future. People are going to decide for themselves what they believe regardless of anything you say to try to shoot this down.
posted by something something at 7:20 AM on April 10, 2019 [7 favorites]


Absent more detail from you about the rumor, it’s difficult to provide a good answer, but—

If the rumor is about you making bad choices directly related to work (for example, getting drunk and telling someone confidential information), I would speak directly to the person spreading the rumor and explain that the story is incorrect, how you determined it’s incorrect, and how you plan to make sure this doesn’t happen going forward. Pin down where the rumor originated and clarify things with that person as well. If the rumor has spread to the public you may need to further clarify things. (I may be misreading the question, but if you’re in some kind of position of public trust, it’s important to publicly prove no misconduct happened.)

If the rumor is about you making bad choices in a more personal capacity (for example, getting drunk and getting into a fight or a romantic situation with a coworker), I would ignore the person telling you the rumor and just make sure you’re on good footing with the other coworkers named in the story. A few weeks of normal behavior between you and the other people supposedly involved will show nothing untoward happened or that it didn’t affect anyone’s working relationships.

Either way, quit mixing alcohol with work. Some people can pull it off and some people can’t (and hey, I’m in the latter group with you!).
posted by sallybrown at 7:52 AM on April 10, 2019


I had never heard the term "over-served" so I assumed you meant that like you ordered a drink with one shot and were given a drink with two, but it sounds like at a work event, you chose to get drunk to the point of blackout (ok sure "cloudy memories", as if that's in any way different)? Is that accurate?

If so, I'm not really sure how bad any additional rumor can be unless you're talking about assault of some sort - you've already crossed the line.

That said, go back to the person who told you this and ask where she heard it, and see if you can trace the source (if not her head) and correct the record. In your next one-on-one, address it with your boss, say you messed up and you know that and it won't happen again, but you're concerned about additional falsehoods you've heard and you want to pre-empt those.

And obviously stop getting drunk at work, and start searching for a job at a less toxic culture, without common drunkenness and "known liars" you have to worry about.
posted by brainmouse at 8:03 AM on April 10, 2019 [2 favorites]


I'm not concerned about the use of "over-served," either. It is enough of a synonym for "drank too much" in my world that nobody who was trying to avoid responsibility would bother to use it. That said, it's probably a good idea to stick to no more than one alcoholic drink per work event from now on.

Unless the rumour involves something directly work-related, like you bad-mouthing a client or revealing proprietary info, I would just shrug and say something along the lines of "Yeah, the beer was flowing that night but I sure never saw anything like that." Don't get into any further investigations as that is likely to blow things out of proportion. A few weeks of good behaviour should put an end to any speculation.

If the thing is work-related, then I'd suggest telling the person that repeating unfounded gossip is harmful and asking for the source. That will usually put an end to things. If necessary, go to the source and tell them that their comments are damaging to their colleagues and their working environment and ask them to stop.

In any case, don't worry too much about this. Most people who drink alcohol, and work in environments where booze is served at social events, have had at least one incident like this at some point or another and will be sympathetic. As long as it does not become a habit, or get blown out of proportion by either the rumour mill or your reaction to it, this, too, shall pass.
posted by rpfields at 8:05 AM on April 10, 2019 [2 favorites]


If I've learned one thing from the Real Housewives of New York, it's that the best way to keep a rumor alive is to keep talking about it. Did Ramona really bring a young fellow up to sleep with her in the Turks and Caicos? I don't know, but I do know Sonja and Heather will not stop talking about it.

You are not Ramona from RHONY, but like her, you did a thing that you don't remember, and your castmates are talking about you.

Don't give this any more life*. Don't ask who said what. Just accept you were really unprofessional, you got way too drunk, and that people talk smack when their coworkers get wasted. And don't do it again.

*The only reason to talk about it is if you're being told you did something offensive and owe a coworker an apology. In that case, apologize to that person, but you have be genuine. Unlike Ramona, whose apologies always ring false.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:19 AM on April 10, 2019 [10 favorites]


Don’t engage and if this escalates, talk to your boss and let them know you don’t believe that happened but you take the damage to everyone’s reputation seriously and you will not drink so much ever again.

On that note, a bit of tough love: if you’re in a very public role in a small community where people have been fired for less than what you're accused of, that needs to be the last work-related, even if it’s social, event you have more than 2 drinks at.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:26 AM on April 10, 2019 [3 favorites]


To address the actual QUESTION the Op had, instead of being pedantic about their word choices;

Rumors can be detrimental. I've blown off rumors about me (totally unfounded, and rather obvious that they were untrue due to their seeming unbelievablity) only to have HR call me about them because some 'concerned co-worker' heard something; more so they wanted to forward their own career and saw an opportunity.

Luckily, I was able to get other people, outside my company, to verify my side/story.

You have not indicated your status in relation to the rumor-person; is she same level, a junior, a senior in position? That all makes a difference in how to handle this.

In any case: talk to the people who seem to be the primary focus/actors in her rumor, and let them know about the rumor so they can protect themselves and have a reply immediately (instead of what happened to you, where you tacitly gave some credence by not immediately dispelling it - not your fault, you got caught out, but prep others so they aren't).

Same level/junior; talk with them, indicate that when they first told you, you hadn't seen anything of the sort but wanted to check it out. It seems they have their facts wrong, so they should refrain from further discussion of it. Remind them if this goes to HR, that they will have to support their accusations and unfounded accusations would be bad.

Senior level; potentially talk with your boss first; tell them that rumors are going around, that none of them are true. Don't freely divulge the over-imbibing, but it's fair to say that it was a social event where there was drinking, but that you know for a fact the rumors are just that.

Second choice is to go to HR and front-run this. Someone is spreading rumors that are untrue and not verifiable. Getting ahead of the story and discrediting it is the safest course.
posted by rich at 8:29 AM on April 10, 2019


Hmm... you should think about this strategically. You say these rumors could be bad for your career, but how exactly? Is it the rumor itself (someone did something bad) or the getting drunk that matters? Is it that the co-worker spreading rumors has direct authority, or access to someone that could fire/punish you and your other over served colleagues?

We don't, but you do know the answers here. Think about a) who has power over you in this situation and then b) how/if you can communicate with them to ensure they know what happened/didn't happen. Take responsibility, clarify whatever events, etc. Focus there, and not on the other stuff (like office gossip, annoying people) that have superfluous impact on your career. If all this is is an annoying coworker talking shit, let it go.

PS - sorry everyone is heaping on about drinking @ work - sheesh that's not the question you asked, is it?
posted by RajahKing at 8:52 AM on April 10, 2019


PS - sorry everyone is heaping on about drinking @ work - sheesh that's not the question you asked, is it?

Well, if the question is "how do I preserve my reputation at work," part of repairing that reputation and managing it going forward is going to have to be managing the drinking better. First, because the OP's behaviour may be under scrutiny if these rumours go high or broadly enough. Secondly because the OP is potentially going to end up in the same situation again, especially now that the OP knows there's a bad actor. (At least that's the assumption based on other statements.)
posted by warriorqueen at 9:06 AM on April 10, 2019 [5 favorites]


Response by poster: Ok. To answer a few questions, the event was in a coworkers home. There were fewer than ten of us in attendance, and we all work for the primary employer in our area. When I say others have been fired for less, I am not referencing my specific employer just others in the same field.

Our job is high stress. We are in many ways a family, and consequently behave as such. Socializing happens several times a year at key points after major deadlines. The rumored behavior is stuff that has happened before and relatively harmless, table dancing, drinking straight from the wine bottle, etc..

My concern is more with addressing the fact that these rumors are false. If they were true, I would own the behavior. I have no problem with admitting poor behavior. The rumors sounded out of character, but not totally beyond all realm of possibility. Given some current happenings at our job we were long overdue a chance to blow off steam.

My gut tells me to ignore her statements, and know that others will as well, especially since those in attendance know what really happened but I want to formulate a plan just in case some people believe her.
posted by Sequined Ballet Flats at 9:40 AM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]


The rumored behavior is stuff that has happened before and relatively harmless, table dancing, drinking straight from the wine bottle, etc..

Ignore. This has nothing to do with your work performance and 80% of people would roll their eyes when someone gossiped to them about this type of stuff. Seriously, if someone came to me and said “Coworker X was going nuts at this party, she was drinking straight from the wine bottle,” and I fully, 100% believed it, it’s more likely that I’d think the person who told me was seriously dull if she thought this was good gossip.
posted by sallybrown at 9:55 AM on April 10, 2019 [14 favorites]


I’m not sure how the kind of things that are alleged to have happened (drinking from the bottle?) could represent an extremely serious threat to your career unless you work in an industry where drinking itself is frowned upon. People getting drunk and acting silly in a private home wouldn’t matter to most employers.

I would just ignore, deny if it comes up, and if this kind of thing could truly represent a threat to your career, avoid such get-togethers in the future or limit your intake at them.
posted by jeoc at 10:42 AM on April 10, 2019 [4 favorites]


I want to formulate a plan just in case some people believe her.

Your plan is to say nothing. If a coworker approaches you and asks if you got blackout drunk and did __________, take a beat, smile, and say, "Oh you know how people talk. Anyway, how's the fill-in-the-blank project coming along?"

You do not confront her. You do not go around and ask people who were there if you behaved badly (but you've already done this, right?).

Lastly: Our job is high stress. We are in many ways a family, and consequently behave as such.

Everyone's job is high stress. You are not a family. Behaving as such is how people get fired.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:09 AM on April 10, 2019 [8 favorites]


It was at a co-worker's house where rumor-spreading other co-worker was not invited? Unless the host or someone at the party put something in your drink, no one was "over-served" as has been noted above, especially since you were at a private party. And since the rumor-spreader is a known rumor-spreader then you might actually be in some trouble by someone who felt left out of this "family gathering" where shit may or may not have gone down. Next time, never feed the trolls no matter what. And also, "we're family" has been used as an excuse to cover for egregious behavior that would not be tolerated in a real family and is often actively harmful to others. It often means in practice, we'll treat you like dirt or do something terrible and you are expected to suck it up and even lie about it. Yes, that's how a dysfunctional family might behave but it's not a way to live your work life.

Not only do I think you should downplay the rumors with absolute boredom, I think you might consider going on a charm offensive with this rumor-spreader and buy this person a muffin or a coffee break and check in with them. "Oh, ha! You know, I probably had too much to drink but I checked in with X and nothing like that happened...despite the alcohol flowing, it was a really tame affair. What's on your plate this week with work? Anything interesting?"
posted by amanda at 11:40 AM on April 10, 2019


Go to your HR department. We have a strict no gossiping rule at my job; this will protect you from YOU being the person who is on the bad end of this situation in the future. Let them handle the situation properly.
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 11:53 AM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]


Same. I might rat the gossip out to HR for starting shit that itself hurts the company without even touching who's banging who off-hours or whatever. Look what it's doing to you!
posted by rhizome at 12:31 PM on April 10, 2019


This doesn’t sound like a work event at all. It sounds like a private party at someone’s home which happened to consist of coworkers having fun. My mind was leaping to assault, sexual harassment, drug use - I’ve been to work events where all these things happened in the same night. What you described is the tamest work transgression I could think of and if someone threatened to fire you over it, I’d roll my eyes, ask what possible business it is of theirs what I do in my spare time and if they’re going to make up rumours, next time try and be a bit more creative.
posted by Jubey at 3:27 PM on April 10, 2019 [10 favorites]


Have you considered that this person has heard the stories about your team’s great nights together and now might be jealous that they weren’t invited and is trying to cause trouble? Don’t feel like you need to invite her next time though, it sounds like she’s where fun goes to die.
posted by Jubey at 5:28 PM on April 10, 2019 [2 favorites]


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