I keep saying things are going to change but now they have to
April 5, 2019 6:05 AM Subscribe
How do I stop my overachieving, perfectionist self from destroying my own life?
Recently, I was so tired and stressed I ended up with an accidental injury that landed me in the emergency room, which led to a nervous breakdown, which led to me realizing I have to change my life. I keep saying things like "I'm going to slow down, I'm going to prioritize self-care, I'm going to sleep" to people like my therapist and my friends and my family but I never actually do, because it feels like I can't. This recent Ask Polly could have been written by me. I am terrible at asking for help and support.
I'm a full-time grad student in a challenging program with a prestigious internship and a chronic illness. I'm also, after years of underperforming, a huge overachieving straight-A workaholic. I can't turn it off, and I'm afraid to. Right now I'm on enforced no-work rest and I'm stressed out about RELAXING. It was hard, but the more time goes on, the more I achieve, the more impossible it feels. The guilt I feel for just taking a break FOR A SERIOUS INJURY is crippling, but I know I cannot go on like this. I'm not healthy to begin with and the next thing that happens to me because of stress could be something worse.
I just don't see a way out. I want to do well, but I barely have time to buy groceries. I am so consumed with doing well, I'm losing the joy in my life, the time I know I need to rest. How do I put my health first? How do I prioritize me, without being a failure? How do I talk my brain out of where it is now? I am on meds, and the meds allowed me this productivity, but I'm taking it too far somehow. When I go back to school and work think about going back into that same lifestyle and the same stress and the every-moment-packed thing I just want to cry, and I have cried, a lot, just from being overwhelmed. I love my program and my job, but I also want to love the rest of my life and not have a breakdown in my kitchen because there's so much to do.
Please hope me. Has anyone else been here? Is it possible to change?
Recently, I was so tired and stressed I ended up with an accidental injury that landed me in the emergency room, which led to a nervous breakdown, which led to me realizing I have to change my life. I keep saying things like "I'm going to slow down, I'm going to prioritize self-care, I'm going to sleep" to people like my therapist and my friends and my family but I never actually do, because it feels like I can't. This recent Ask Polly could have been written by me. I am terrible at asking for help and support.
I'm a full-time grad student in a challenging program with a prestigious internship and a chronic illness. I'm also, after years of underperforming, a huge overachieving straight-A workaholic. I can't turn it off, and I'm afraid to. Right now I'm on enforced no-work rest and I'm stressed out about RELAXING. It was hard, but the more time goes on, the more I achieve, the more impossible it feels. The guilt I feel for just taking a break FOR A SERIOUS INJURY is crippling, but I know I cannot go on like this. I'm not healthy to begin with and the next thing that happens to me because of stress could be something worse.
I just don't see a way out. I want to do well, but I barely have time to buy groceries. I am so consumed with doing well, I'm losing the joy in my life, the time I know I need to rest. How do I put my health first? How do I prioritize me, without being a failure? How do I talk my brain out of where it is now? I am on meds, and the meds allowed me this productivity, but I'm taking it too far somehow. When I go back to school and work think about going back into that same lifestyle and the same stress and the every-moment-packed thing I just want to cry, and I have cried, a lot, just from being overwhelmed. I love my program and my job, but I also want to love the rest of my life and not have a breakdown in my kitchen because there's so much to do.
Please hope me. Has anyone else been here? Is it possible to change?
Have you explored why you're so obsessed with perfectionism? Doing well is one thing, but I'm guessing most people's standards for "doing well" would be laughable for you. I am kind of like this too, but I'm a lot better than I used to be. Examining the motivation behind it - what am I afraid will happen if I don't do this thing perfectly? - helped me a lot.
posted by something something at 6:28 AM on April 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by something something at 6:28 AM on April 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
There is a wealth of data out there in support of the idea that people have approximately 8 hours of work in them per day. After 8 hours, it becomes increasingly inefficient to keep working, and there is an inflection point at about 10 hours where people's efficiency goes into the negative because they make mistakes that then have to be fixed, costing more time, &c. &c.
This doesn't mean that under no circumstances should you ever work for more than 8 hours: there are plenty of times in your life when you will have to do that, either because your boss tells you to or because you have badly planned something or because life threw you a curve ball.
But try to conceptualize those times as being like running a balance on your credit card. Sometimes, you will have to, but you can't do it for long and you can't do it often or it will cost you more than it is saving you.
Reconceptualize rest as a part of productivity. Sleep is when your brain builds new connections: showers are when you have your best ideas. Walks trigger connections that you don't get when at your desk. When learning something, remember best the first five minutes and the last five minutes, which means that relatively frequent breaks will help you remember more than powering through.
Those are the good, capitalist, productive reasons for you to slow down. There are others as well that I think are more valid, but I wanted to give you the ones that might speak best to your perfectionism.
posted by gauche at 6:33 AM on April 5, 2019 [14 favorites]
This doesn't mean that under no circumstances should you ever work for more than 8 hours: there are plenty of times in your life when you will have to do that, either because your boss tells you to or because you have badly planned something or because life threw you a curve ball.
But try to conceptualize those times as being like running a balance on your credit card. Sometimes, you will have to, but you can't do it for long and you can't do it often or it will cost you more than it is saving you.
Reconceptualize rest as a part of productivity. Sleep is when your brain builds new connections: showers are when you have your best ideas. Walks trigger connections that you don't get when at your desk. When learning something, remember best the first five minutes and the last five minutes, which means that relatively frequent breaks will help you remember more than powering through.
Those are the good, capitalist, productive reasons for you to slow down. There are others as well that I think are more valid, but I wanted to give you the ones that might speak best to your perfectionism.
posted by gauche at 6:33 AM on April 5, 2019 [14 favorites]
First thing, most importantly: please discuss asap with the person prescribing you the meds if you haven't already. This can very much be a meds thing and may be resolved or greatly improved easily with a dose change or switching to a different med.
If you have a generally kind and empathetic grad supervisor, it can be very helpful to talk to them about how you're struggling (you do not have to disclose your diagnosis but can talk in general terms). They have seen this before and may have some good advice for you. They don't want to see you burn out either! YMMV tremendously depending how decent a human being your supervisor is. Absolutely do not do this if they are an unkind person and/or are aware of how much pressure you are under and are pushing you anyway.
Reading between the lines with the meds mention, I'm guessing this is related to ADHD, as this is kinda textbook for us, especially the ones who are grad students. Feel free to me-mail me if you would like to chat with someone who very much understands, as I was there a few years ago. If this is the case, you may also find the r/ADHD subreddit helpful.
posted by randomnity at 6:35 AM on April 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you have a generally kind and empathetic grad supervisor, it can be very helpful to talk to them about how you're struggling (you do not have to disclose your diagnosis but can talk in general terms). They have seen this before and may have some good advice for you. They don't want to see you burn out either! YMMV tremendously depending how decent a human being your supervisor is. Absolutely do not do this if they are an unkind person and/or are aware of how much pressure you are under and are pushing you anyway.
Reading between the lines with the meds mention, I'm guessing this is related to ADHD, as this is kinda textbook for us, especially the ones who are grad students. Feel free to me-mail me if you would like to chat with someone who very much understands, as I was there a few years ago. If this is the case, you may also find the r/ADHD subreddit helpful.
posted by randomnity at 6:35 AM on April 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
Do you have a friend who you think goofs off too much? Hang out with them. You may learn how to relax a bit, they may learn to be a bit more serious. I’ve seen these kinds of pairs work well in grad school.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:43 AM on April 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:43 AM on April 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
Please check in with your doctor. It sounds like you are over-doing it with the stimulant medication and you know it.
Unless you are like, an ER doctor, then FYI whatever it is you are doing isn't all that crucially urgent. If you spent "years underperforming" but somehow made it into someplace prestigious* then evidence suggests you weren't underperforming at all and you know precisely how to do the bare minimum at the deadline. That's a skill, use some of it now, and then go to therapy to learn how to modulate your attention, value your time, and enforce boundaries on your time.
*prestige is for suckers right along with passion - that's how they get you to work yourself into the grave for peanuts. fuck 'em.
posted by everythings_interrelated at 7:13 AM on April 5, 2019 [9 favorites]
Unless you are like, an ER doctor, then FYI whatever it is you are doing isn't all that crucially urgent. If you spent "years underperforming" but somehow made it into someplace prestigious* then evidence suggests you weren't underperforming at all and you know precisely how to do the bare minimum at the deadline. That's a skill, use some of it now, and then go to therapy to learn how to modulate your attention, value your time, and enforce boundaries on your time.
*prestige is for suckers right along with passion - that's how they get you to work yourself into the grave for peanuts. fuck 'em.
posted by everythings_interrelated at 7:13 AM on April 5, 2019 [9 favorites]
Hugs to you.
I loved that article, and perfectly saw my mid-20s self described by Polly. Working so hard (but why? to what end?), using my fear of 'failure' to drive myself relentlessly (and miserably) towards some sort of 'benchmark' that would finally tell me that I wasn't a failure, but in fact a success.
I made the change in stages. First (after a friend pointed out how miserable I was), I realised that Grad school was making me miserable. Instead of using my perceived success/failure there as a barometer of my worth, I decided that I needed to spend some time deciding whether I wanted to be in such a demanding (and toxic) environment. When I started telling people that I was thinking of leaving, happy colleagues were happy for me. Unhappy colleagues were bitter, judgemental, and cruel. It helped me sort out who to look at for inspiration.
I stayed. But on my own terms. But after I graduated, I left academics and moved into an adjacent field. But things had changed. Because I had defended my thesis after actively CHOOSING to stay, that thing was valuable to me. I finally realized that I was 'worthy' but it was because I succeeded at a challenging goal that I set for myself. I have learned to set bench marks for success and then to reward myself with praise and love when I met them.
And then I learned to reward myself with praise and love just because I deserved it. For nothing.
Then I learned that I can turn that kindness inwards and outwards. And that radical acceptance that every person is doing THEIR best in each moment let people around me flourish. And that I flourished too.
I have changed. And I am fully happy. I get things done. I leave situations where I am not valued or respected. I don't value people who are toxic to me. I do have to remind myself to have 'fun' as I still default to 'work mode'. But I have learned that leaving my house helps with this.
Again, hugs to you. You deserve happiness and love, and it starts within you. But I am sending beams of love to you right now, too.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 7:33 AM on April 5, 2019 [15 favorites]
I loved that article, and perfectly saw my mid-20s self described by Polly. Working so hard (but why? to what end?), using my fear of 'failure' to drive myself relentlessly (and miserably) towards some sort of 'benchmark' that would finally tell me that I wasn't a failure, but in fact a success.
I made the change in stages. First (after a friend pointed out how miserable I was), I realised that Grad school was making me miserable. Instead of using my perceived success/failure there as a barometer of my worth, I decided that I needed to spend some time deciding whether I wanted to be in such a demanding (and toxic) environment. When I started telling people that I was thinking of leaving, happy colleagues were happy for me. Unhappy colleagues were bitter, judgemental, and cruel. It helped me sort out who to look at for inspiration.
I stayed. But on my own terms. But after I graduated, I left academics and moved into an adjacent field. But things had changed. Because I had defended my thesis after actively CHOOSING to stay, that thing was valuable to me. I finally realized that I was 'worthy' but it was because I succeeded at a challenging goal that I set for myself. I have learned to set bench marks for success and then to reward myself with praise and love when I met them.
And then I learned to reward myself with praise and love just because I deserved it. For nothing.
Then I learned that I can turn that kindness inwards and outwards. And that radical acceptance that every person is doing THEIR best in each moment let people around me flourish. And that I flourished too.
I have changed. And I am fully happy. I get things done. I leave situations where I am not valued or respected. I don't value people who are toxic to me. I do have to remind myself to have 'fun' as I still default to 'work mode'. But I have learned that leaving my house helps with this.
Again, hugs to you. You deserve happiness and love, and it starts within you. But I am sending beams of love to you right now, too.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 7:33 AM on April 5, 2019 [15 favorites]
For me, this was shame. I had to prove I was worthy. I had to earn my keep. I didn't think I was good enough so I had to be a superstar. I needed validation and my country validates performance and metrics. It was all to quiet that shame based voice that said I wasn't worthy of just Being. I had to Do.
Well, I also have chronic illness and the Spoon Theory is relevant. I only have so many spoons. I borrowed from my future self until I broke. First, I borrowed by overachieving in school and then crashed during breaks. Like, slept almost an entire spring break. Now, I push myself to get All the Things done at work, but then I crash on the weekend and can't be there for my family. Or I do all the things to give my child a fun Saturday then I'm stuck in bed the next morning afraid I have to call in sick to work.
What has helped? Supportive authority figures. It was toxic authority that put this compulsive perfectionism in me, and safe authority has been helpful to neutralize it. It's becoming easier to demonstrate a work ethic that isn't on overdrive because I am continually shown that I am not expected to be that way.
Like seriously the bar is show up on time most of the time, do your work in a relatively timely manner, manage the crazy everyone has in a primarily considerate way, and the rest is just spackle. Even in a prestigious internship situation, I bet the bar is way lower than you're seeing it.
So consider that you are being way, way harder on yourself than anyone in your current reality really expects you to be. Seek out supportive authorities, learn to be a little more open about wanting feedback, and you will (probably) hear from them directly that they don't want your best at the expense of your health. Good enough is actually good enough.
(If the message is that they do want your best even at the expense of your health, and that isn't coming from your baggage or symptoms of your condition, do you feel that is a trade-off that you really want to make? No judgment. Sometimes people do really grueling stuff as a stepping stone to other things but try to be intentional about it and see what you can do to schedule downtime so you don't crash and burn. And make it active, engaged. Meaning, don't just plan to watch a movie or your to do list will intrude on your downtime. If your grad school experience is like mine was, anyway. Maybe it isn't.)
Also, absolutely talk with your therapist about where this compulsive perfectionistic performance based stuff is coming from. If it's shame, therapists can help a great deal with that. But the process is collaborative and the more you can be targeted about what you're struggling with, the better they can help. You need to learn to stop letting the punative inner parent punish weakness, if that is applicable here. To accept humanity and fallibility. I bet you aren't this hard on other people. Why do they get graciousness but you do not?
And yeah, absolutely, if you are taking stimulants for your condition or side effects of it, that can easily reinforce this stuff so check with your doctor as previously stated. And if you do have ADHD, it often brings a nice pile of shame and perfectionism along for the ride.
posted by crunchy potato at 9:15 AM on April 5, 2019 [9 favorites]
Well, I also have chronic illness and the Spoon Theory is relevant. I only have so many spoons. I borrowed from my future self until I broke. First, I borrowed by overachieving in school and then crashed during breaks. Like, slept almost an entire spring break. Now, I push myself to get All the Things done at work, but then I crash on the weekend and can't be there for my family. Or I do all the things to give my child a fun Saturday then I'm stuck in bed the next morning afraid I have to call in sick to work.
What has helped? Supportive authority figures. It was toxic authority that put this compulsive perfectionism in me, and safe authority has been helpful to neutralize it. It's becoming easier to demonstrate a work ethic that isn't on overdrive because I am continually shown that I am not expected to be that way.
Like seriously the bar is show up on time most of the time, do your work in a relatively timely manner, manage the crazy everyone has in a primarily considerate way, and the rest is just spackle. Even in a prestigious internship situation, I bet the bar is way lower than you're seeing it.
So consider that you are being way, way harder on yourself than anyone in your current reality really expects you to be. Seek out supportive authorities, learn to be a little more open about wanting feedback, and you will (probably) hear from them directly that they don't want your best at the expense of your health. Good enough is actually good enough.
(If the message is that they do want your best even at the expense of your health, and that isn't coming from your baggage or symptoms of your condition, do you feel that is a trade-off that you really want to make? No judgment. Sometimes people do really grueling stuff as a stepping stone to other things but try to be intentional about it and see what you can do to schedule downtime so you don't crash and burn. And make it active, engaged. Meaning, don't just plan to watch a movie or your to do list will intrude on your downtime. If your grad school experience is like mine was, anyway. Maybe it isn't.)
Also, absolutely talk with your therapist about where this compulsive perfectionistic performance based stuff is coming from. If it's shame, therapists can help a great deal with that. But the process is collaborative and the more you can be targeted about what you're struggling with, the better they can help. You need to learn to stop letting the punative inner parent punish weakness, if that is applicable here. To accept humanity and fallibility. I bet you aren't this hard on other people. Why do they get graciousness but you do not?
And yeah, absolutely, if you are taking stimulants for your condition or side effects of it, that can easily reinforce this stuff so check with your doctor as previously stated. And if you do have ADHD, it often brings a nice pile of shame and perfectionism along for the ride.
posted by crunchy potato at 9:15 AM on April 5, 2019 [9 favorites]
To start with: it's really easy, particularly in grad school, to feel like everything is a matter of life and death. I watched friends and labmates treat every utterance from our PI like it was of life-threatening importance, and it didn't help them. Now, there are some circumstances and some cases where it is (say, the week before a conference deadline) - but the vast majority of the time, it isn't. You don't help yourself by treating everything as though it is.
I've been in labs where the (non-human) subject would die or be injured if something didn't happen now. I haven't worked in a lab like that since 2008. In those settings, I can understand that level of stress, because there will be mortal consequences if something happens. For instance, in the kind of research I do now? Nothing I do, and none of my research has those kind of consequences attached. If I don't run this participant today, I'll run them on Monday. If I publish this paper next month, that's OK. Yes, my work has real-world applicability, but it doesn't have that level of do-or-die stress.
I have, subsequently, worked under PIs who thought that everything was that important even when it wasn't. That is relentlessly toxic, inimical to a good work environment and diametrically opposed to doing good research. In grad school, your PI should push you, but you need time and space to not just be a student. Do things for yourself: Dr Bored for Science started sewing stuffed animals in graduate school (I do photography, bake tasty things and obsess over espresso). You can't do good work long-term if you don't have time and space for yourself.
Frame it this way to yourself: you will do better work more quickly if you take time to recharge. That can mean doing something just for yourself (see hobbies above), that can mean spending time with friends or whatever else you do just for yourself. You can't work all the time, and you shouldn't. So don't. Do what you need to do to be happy, and it will help you with your grad program work.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 10:46 AM on April 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
I've been in labs where the (non-human) subject would die or be injured if something didn't happen now. I haven't worked in a lab like that since 2008. In those settings, I can understand that level of stress, because there will be mortal consequences if something happens. For instance, in the kind of research I do now? Nothing I do, and none of my research has those kind of consequences attached. If I don't run this participant today, I'll run them on Monday. If I publish this paper next month, that's OK. Yes, my work has real-world applicability, but it doesn't have that level of do-or-die stress.
I have, subsequently, worked under PIs who thought that everything was that important even when it wasn't. That is relentlessly toxic, inimical to a good work environment and diametrically opposed to doing good research. In grad school, your PI should push you, but you need time and space to not just be a student. Do things for yourself: Dr Bored for Science started sewing stuffed animals in graduate school (I do photography, bake tasty things and obsess over espresso). You can't do good work long-term if you don't have time and space for yourself.
Frame it this way to yourself: you will do better work more quickly if you take time to recharge. That can mean doing something just for yourself (see hobbies above), that can mean spending time with friends or whatever else you do just for yourself. You can't work all the time, and you shouldn't. So don't. Do what you need to do to be happy, and it will help you with your grad program work.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 10:46 AM on April 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
My first good therapist said to me after our tenth session or so:
"If this is going to work, you are going to need to *chill out*".
And he was quite correct. Everything was melodrama with me. Every feeling I had and every decision I made was a huge deal. I could barely move for fear of causing my world to crumble.
Learning to chill out took time and effort and therapy but recognizing that it was a vital first step really helped me focus — hyperfocus actually, but I got better — and let me do the rest of the work.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:54 PM on April 7, 2019
"If this is going to work, you are going to need to *chill out*".
And he was quite correct. Everything was melodrama with me. Every feeling I had and every decision I made was a huge deal. I could barely move for fear of causing my world to crumble.
Learning to chill out took time and effort and therapy but recognizing that it was a vital first step really helped me focus — hyperfocus actually, but I got better — and let me do the rest of the work.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:54 PM on April 7, 2019
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Outside of that, have you tried scheduling? You need to eat, sleep, grocery shop, do something on weekends and probably go to yoga twice a week. (I mean, I fucking hate yoga, so my therapist and I agreed that pedicures counted as self-care, but you do you.)
posted by DarlingBri at 6:18 AM on April 5, 2019 [6 favorites]