Inappropriate behaviour from work colleagues in an out of work scenario
March 30, 2019 1:38 AM   Subscribe

I've just started a new job, and my first week has been pretty fun. My colleagues have been pretty good at introducing themselves and seem genuinely interested in me. There is a heavy male contingent in the team. We had a night out a few days ago and after a few drinks it was clear that a bro culture was prevalent, at least where drink was involved. Casual homophobia and sexism. I can deal with that because I'm a bit of a chameleon socially, but I feel a bit dirty after the fact. At work it has been fine so far, but this extracurricular behaviour has been a bit of a shock. I've not been the subject of the chat, and I humoured them at the time. I don't know if I should just ignore it and avoid nights out or if I should be trying to make a record of poor behaviour or what... The work we are doing is exciting and really beneficial, so I don't want to fuck it up, but I'm really down on things just now. Does anyone have any related experiences?
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (11 answers total)
 
I would say if you like the work and like the people at work, but maybe don't approve of what you've seen outside of the workplace, you should just ignore it and avoid extracurricular activities. You said it was the humoring them that made you feel dirty and uncomfortable. As long as they're not bringing the culture into the office, I see no reason to make a record of it and bring it into the office yourself (by e.g., keeping tabs and reporting to HR or something).
posted by Hal Mumkin at 4:05 AM on March 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


As for personal experiences, I've worked with folks who were heavily religious, folks who cheated on their wives, folks who were into doing burlesque and publicly participating in their kink... but these are their outside activities and my feelings of approval or disapproval on the matters are irrelevant. I am fine to work with people at work but I don't have to hang out with people from work outside of work. Additionally, I have been the manager of folks who have made a point to police their colleagues' outside behavior (due to the community they were a part of) and wanted to come report to me things that they didn't approve of but that had, frankly, no bearing on the workplace. Those people tended to be more problematic than the ones who just wanted to come to work and do their jobs.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 4:18 AM on March 30, 2019 [8 favorites]


Anything that happens outside of work (unless it's assault or harassment) isn't something that you should pay attention to. Co-workers don't have to be your friends.
posted by sheepishchiffon at 5:21 AM on March 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


1) Don't go out with them again.
2) Prepare some responses if you find yourself in a context where this happens again. I always go along automatically unless I'm prepared with a response that is direct but measured. If I can't think of anything to say, I laugh and keep going, but if I'm prepared, I can say, "That's not an okay thing to say."
3) Do keep track, because if it starts happening in the office (as they get more comfortable around you), it'll be good to have a full record, even if it's just for you to convince you that you're not crazy. But maybe it'll never happen.
4) In my opinion, you can work with asshole bros who aren't assholes in the office. Do be a bit on guard that you don't accidentally become friends. And pay attention to the differences between people; there are probably some not-awful guys who go out occasionally to keep the peace but are not thrilled. True, it's not great that they let things slide, but it can happen to anyone.

You're still assessing this place. You have a useful piece of information, but you're still gathering more data. See what you think in a month. You now know what to watch out for.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:23 AM on March 30, 2019 [5 favorites]


Honestly, assault and harassment that happen outside of work are police matters and not work matters, and not really something you should be paying attention to, other than reporting to the authorities if it merits it. And not your business if it doesn't merit it.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 5:24 AM on March 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


Either don't go out with them to avoid feeling dirty, or be the change you want to see in the world and call them out when it happens.
posted by metasarah at 6:48 AM on March 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


If you're in a position to push back against racism/homophobia, e.g., if you're someone who is not personally the target of racism and/or homophobia, I would urge you to do so. Queer folks and people of colour are in way more danger when we call out this shit, and it limits our careers and carries a big emotional cost.
posted by ITheCosmos at 7:23 AM on March 30, 2019 [13 favorites]


If you want to call them out, it out doesn't necessarily have to be shaming them from on high, which I don't think is very effective anyway since clearly they don't ascribe to the same moral authority, so it's just telling them their behavior is inappropriate according to people they probably think are Wrong About Life anyway.

I feel like it would actually be more effective if you just stood up for some of the people/behaviors they're mocking in the moment, with sort of a "whoa, hey, people are just living their lives, give them a break" mood. Group members who secretly identified with some less-than-100%-conformitive-masculine behaviors might feel safer to open up around you, too.
posted by space snail at 7:32 AM on March 30, 2019 [9 favorites]


You could try seeking out bystander training.
posted by en forme de poire at 1:13 PM on March 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


Honestly, assault and harassment that happen outside of work are police matters and not work matters, and not really something you should be paying attention to, other than reporting to the authorities if it merits it. And not your business if it doesn't merit it.

This is not true and bad advice. Conduct towards colleagues outside of the workplace can be considered workplace harassment and be grounds for firing someone.
posted by ch1x0r at 4:12 PM on March 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


You can make someone behave professionally at work (and it sounds like they do) but you can't make them good people. That doesn't necessarily make it a work issue. You should report them if a) it's harassment, like if they imply that being a "bro" will help you at work and not being part of the in crowd could hurt you (even if they say it off-site) or b) it's inconsistent with the nature of the work, like if a social worker was in their private life a white supremacy activist.

Other than that, that's why I quit facebook a long time ago. There are just some things I don't need to know about people because it will affect my otherwise-good professional relationship with them.
posted by ctmf at 7:27 PM on March 31, 2019


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