Changing from grandparenting mindset to parenting mindset; ground rules?
March 29, 2019 1:14 PM Subscribe
Due to unfortunate circumstances, my husband and I will most likely be granted temporary guardians for our almost 3 y/o granddaughter. She has visited and stayed with us in the past which was all fun and games. But as guardians, we want to establish "house rules" (maybe five - we want to keep it simple) from the start. For example: "toys put away before bedtime". What rules seem reasonable for a 3 year old to comprehend and follow? Any other tips for grandparents becoming de facto parents?
We are in Illinois FWIW. Thanks!
We are in Illinois FWIW. Thanks!
The rules we have as parents are based on what we can and can‘t live with and what makes sense logistically (like, how early she goes to bed, when we eat etc.) They also change periodically. Given that, cleaning up before bedtime is not a hill we want to die on. So it‘s very subjective and often you won‘t know which hills are YOUR hills until you‘ve seen them up close, you know?
So that‘s one thing. Think about what you need and want, and be prepared to change things around.
In your specific case,your granddaughter will be feeling pretty bad and insecure. I feel like you should stick to established rules as much as possible. Both your rules that she knows from sleepovers and those she knows from her parents and that make sense to you.
This is sooooo much change, give her something to hold onto, you know?
And thirdly, sensitivity to her needs may sometimes mean breaking rules. Like, maybe she isn‘t normally allowed to share your bed...but maybe she really really needs you there right now?
Anyway, my top rules:
- No pushing, hurting, name calling
- It‘s My Body and I decide what happens to it
posted by Omnomnom at 1:27 PM on March 29, 2019 [27 favorites]
So that‘s one thing. Think about what you need and want, and be prepared to change things around.
In your specific case,your granddaughter will be feeling pretty bad and insecure. I feel like you should stick to established rules as much as possible. Both your rules that she knows from sleepovers and those she knows from her parents and that make sense to you.
This is sooooo much change, give her something to hold onto, you know?
And thirdly, sensitivity to her needs may sometimes mean breaking rules. Like, maybe she isn‘t normally allowed to share your bed...but maybe she really really needs you there right now?
Anyway, my top rules:
- No pushing, hurting, name calling
- It‘s My Body and I decide what happens to it
posted by Omnomnom at 1:27 PM on March 29, 2019 [27 favorites]
You are doing a great thing for your grandchild!
If she watches tv or plays games on a device there could and probably should be rules around that.
Be prepared for an adjustment period where the behavior might be worse and remember if she's acting out with you it means she feels safe to do so.
I would focus less on rules beyond "be kind", "be gentle", "no hitting" as described above, and more on creating daily routines to help provide her with some sense of control over what's going on and predictability.
Think about things like - When is it ok to play outside? What activities can she do inside? Where are meals eaten? Are snacks allowed and if so when is the last call before bedtime? If she'll see her parent(s), when and where will that take place? Make sure some things stay the same as before so her favorite toys and stuffies. Does she have any other friends or familiar people who can visit?
posted by lafemma at 1:30 PM on March 29, 2019 [14 favorites]
If she watches tv or plays games on a device there could and probably should be rules around that.
Be prepared for an adjustment period where the behavior might be worse and remember if she's acting out with you it means she feels safe to do so.
I would focus less on rules beyond "be kind", "be gentle", "no hitting" as described above, and more on creating daily routines to help provide her with some sense of control over what's going on and predictability.
Think about things like - When is it ok to play outside? What activities can she do inside? Where are meals eaten? Are snacks allowed and if so when is the last call before bedtime? If she'll see her parent(s), when and where will that take place? Make sure some things stay the same as before so her favorite toys and stuffies. Does she have any other friends or familiar people who can visit?
posted by lafemma at 1:30 PM on March 29, 2019 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Every kid is different, but 3 years old is a common age for starting to push back when being told what to do (this was a BIG DEAL for my 3 year old). In our case, it was really helpful to flip the idea of "house rules" on its head and start talking about house routines instead - e.g., rather than saying "you must put away your toys before bed," we'd say "we finished dinner, so now is the time we do clean-up, and then we all brush our teeth." Pretty much the same message but it landed much better for our 3-year-old, especially because everybody was doing the same thing (clearing the table, picking up the living room, brushing teeth together, whatever) and they weren't singled out and told what to do.
It was also great because it primed us as parents to compliment and positively reinforce when our kid did the right thing (followed the routine), versus correcting/criticizing when he did the wrong thing (broke the rule). Pretty much every parenting expert will tell you that kids uniformly respond better to positive reinforcement than negative.
Finally, it's also great because preschoolers thrive on routine, and I imagine that would be doubly true for your grand-daughter. So perhaps the best way to think about this is teaching her the routine in your house when she comes to live with you (and you thinking about what routines need to be in place to help prevent the stuff that drives you crazy, e.g. toys on the floor after kids are in bed).
posted by iminurmefi at 1:36 PM on March 29, 2019 [65 favorites]
It was also great because it primed us as parents to compliment and positively reinforce when our kid did the right thing (followed the routine), versus correcting/criticizing when he did the wrong thing (broke the rule). Pretty much every parenting expert will tell you that kids uniformly respond better to positive reinforcement than negative.
Finally, it's also great because preschoolers thrive on routine, and I imagine that would be doubly true for your grand-daughter. So perhaps the best way to think about this is teaching her the routine in your house when she comes to live with you (and you thinking about what routines need to be in place to help prevent the stuff that drives you crazy, e.g. toys on the floor after kids are in bed).
posted by iminurmefi at 1:36 PM on March 29, 2019 [65 favorites]
Best answer: I obviously don't know the circumstances here, but it would likely be helpful to read up on trauma-informed parenting (there's a fair amount of information out there for foster parents, so that may be a place to start). I think a three-year-old's reactions to traumatic events may look a lot like "bad behavior" rather than "normal trauma response," and it would be good to have some understanding of that. The book Trauma-Proofing Your Kids: A Parents' Guide for Instilling Confidence, Joy and Resilience by Peter Levine might also be helpful.
posted by lazuli at 1:41 PM on March 29, 2019 [35 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 1:41 PM on March 29, 2019 [35 favorites]
Best answer: Three is pretty young, and while I understand wanting to establish things like putting toys away before bedtime, having a rule like this before bedtime gives the child a lot of leverage to delay bedtime. It will make your evenings a long and emotionally difficult affair.
I like the suggestions about being kind, using gentle hands, and so on, and about framing chores or obligations as routines instead. To the extent that you can involve your granddaughter in these things as a game or as helping out, I encourage you to do that: at this age, kids want to be a helper much more than they want to be doing what they are told.
This is not a rule, but one thing that has been good for my two children (3.5 & 2) has been the institution of a "cozy place" with some blankets and stuffed animals where they can go to be alone when they are angry or sad. Encouraging kids to name their emotions, and validating that their emotions are real and valid and okay -- even when their behavior is not -- is important groundwork for their emotional health.
You are doing a good and hard thing, and I wish you good luck.
posted by gauche at 1:42 PM on March 29, 2019 [28 favorites]
I like the suggestions about being kind, using gentle hands, and so on, and about framing chores or obligations as routines instead. To the extent that you can involve your granddaughter in these things as a game or as helping out, I encourage you to do that: at this age, kids want to be a helper much more than they want to be doing what they are told.
This is not a rule, but one thing that has been good for my two children (3.5 & 2) has been the institution of a "cozy place" with some blankets and stuffed animals where they can go to be alone when they are angry or sad. Encouraging kids to name their emotions, and validating that their emotions are real and valid and okay -- even when their behavior is not -- is important groundwork for their emotional health.
You are doing a good and hard thing, and I wish you good luck.
posted by gauche at 1:42 PM on March 29, 2019 [28 favorites]
Look into Janet Lansbury. She's all about being kind and preventing bad behaviour in the first place, and is focused on babies and toddlers who aren't making active choices with their behaviour like a teenager would. It is the only thing that worked with my kid. There's a lot available free on her website, but there's a bin out too called No Bad Kids.
Line up therapy for yourselves.
Line up play based or art therapy for her.
As soon as she figures out you're in charge now she is going to test you. Hard.
Being clear with rules and routines helps you two make sure you're in the same page. And being consistent. Write then down for your own sake.
We change what's a rule depending on current behaviour. So we have no problem with teeth brushing but hates the lotion for his eczema...doing lotion is a rule. "Be nice" is an expectation. I guess rules are concrete - really specific - and few, we expect good behaviour, and in preview yes a lot comes through routines.
Put away toys before dinner. They're so tired by bedtime their brains are short curving and anything extra gets a lot of whiny floppy behaviour. Ugh. The only thing to do at bedtime is get ready for bed.
You're getting so many good answers.
posted by jrobin276 at 1:43 PM on March 29, 2019 [5 favorites]
Line up therapy for yourselves.
Line up play based or art therapy for her.
As soon as she figures out you're in charge now she is going to test you. Hard.
Being clear with rules and routines helps you two make sure you're in the same page. And being consistent. Write then down for your own sake.
We change what's a rule depending on current behaviour. So we have no problem with teeth brushing but hates the lotion for his eczema...doing lotion is a rule. "Be nice" is an expectation. I guess rules are concrete - really specific - and few, we expect good behaviour, and in preview yes a lot comes through routines.
Put away toys before dinner. They're so tired by bedtime their brains are short curving and anything extra gets a lot of whiny floppy behaviour. Ugh. The only thing to do at bedtime is get ready for bed.
You're getting so many good answers.
posted by jrobin276 at 1:43 PM on March 29, 2019 [5 favorites]
In addition to setting up a routine (crucial) you need to also have a consistent way of enforcing that routine, and other rules. You and your husband need to be on the same page here -- inconsistent messages can get very confusing for 3 year olds.
Supernanny has some great tips for bedtime routines and time-outs. It's important to follow the steps *exactly* and do the same thing every time. This is not about being strict -- this is about consistency. Especially during such a big change, this is going to be really important.
Good luck, you are wonderful people to care for this child.
posted by ananci at 1:44 PM on March 29, 2019
Supernanny has some great tips for bedtime routines and time-outs. It's important to follow the steps *exactly* and do the same thing every time. This is not about being strict -- this is about consistency. Especially during such a big change, this is going to be really important.
Good luck, you are wonderful people to care for this child.
posted by ananci at 1:44 PM on March 29, 2019
Agree w above re: couching these as things WE do vs rules SHE has to abide by. You might find watching Daniel Tiger together (or even on your own!) very helpful for both of you; she is the perfect age and each episode is about the intersection of emotion and behavior told in a way that I have found both great for a three year old AND great for a parent of a three year old.
posted by sestaaak at 1:47 PM on March 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by sestaaak at 1:47 PM on March 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
I strongly recommend the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It was life-changing for me.
posted by FencingGal at 1:52 PM on March 29, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 1:52 PM on March 29, 2019 [5 favorites]
On behalf of your kid, thank you for your big hearts and for continuing to give unconditional love to your kid and your kid's daughter.
The key to any house rule is that both adults have to have 100% agreement, 100% buy-in, and be 100% in sync. jrobin276 is accurate when she stated that you're going to be tested. Both granda and grandpa boundaries need to be consistent to each other and consistent every minute, hour, day, meal time, and bed time.
In addition to putting stuff away . . .
1) Don't hit/kick/spit at me, grandpa or any household item
2) related to food/eating
a) take a bite of every food you're served even if you've tried it before
b) Sit at the table; if you get up, you'll receive a warning and directed back to the table, the second get up means that you're done eating and you can't come back to finish it. If it's dinner, there won't be any snacks and the next meal will be breakfast. If it's breakfast, there won't be any food until lunch. If it's lunch there won't be any food until afternoon snack. (Don't force the kid to finish the meal. People have hungry days and not hungry days.)
c) If she's not eating, don't offer to make something else. She eats the same food that everybody else eats. You're not a short-order cook!
3) come out of the punishment corner/punishment step only after required punishment period (1 minute per year of child's age. Currently, she would sit in punishment for 3 minutes) and after apology
4) don't go outside unless grandma or grandpa is with you
5) if you wander away in a store, stay right where you are, I/grandpa will come find you.
6) stay in bed. If you get up, grandma/grandpa leads girl back to bed without saying a word to girl. (repeat until the girl gets the message) The suppernanny's technique and video of correcting troublesome bedtimes.
Although you didn't ask about discipline, please check out the Supernanny (here and here). She's a child tamer/good witch with respect to correcting unacceptable behavior!
posted by dlwr300 at 1:53 PM on March 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
The key to any house rule is that both adults have to have 100% agreement, 100% buy-in, and be 100% in sync. jrobin276 is accurate when she stated that you're going to be tested. Both granda and grandpa boundaries need to be consistent to each other and consistent every minute, hour, day, meal time, and bed time.
In addition to putting stuff away . . .
1) Don't hit/kick/spit at me, grandpa or any household item
2) related to food/eating
a) take a bite of every food you're served even if you've tried it before
b) Sit at the table; if you get up, you'll receive a warning and directed back to the table, the second get up means that you're done eating and you can't come back to finish it. If it's dinner, there won't be any snacks and the next meal will be breakfast. If it's breakfast, there won't be any food until lunch. If it's lunch there won't be any food until afternoon snack. (Don't force the kid to finish the meal. People have hungry days and not hungry days.)
c) If she's not eating, don't offer to make something else. She eats the same food that everybody else eats. You're not a short-order cook!
3) come out of the punishment corner/punishment step only after required punishment period (1 minute per year of child's age. Currently, she would sit in punishment for 3 minutes) and after apology
4) don't go outside unless grandma or grandpa is with you
5) if you wander away in a store, stay right where you are, I/grandpa will come find you.
6) stay in bed. If you get up, grandma/grandpa leads girl back to bed without saying a word to girl. (repeat until the girl gets the message) The suppernanny's technique and video of correcting troublesome bedtimes.
Although you didn't ask about discipline, please check out the Supernanny (here and here). She's a child tamer/good witch with respect to correcting unacceptable behavior!
posted by dlwr300 at 1:53 PM on March 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: 3 years old is still so young. I'm not sure that focusing on rules will be successful; you might want to just focus on routines and what YOU do rather than what you expect of her. A few ideas:
1) Consistent bedtime routine is SO important. 3yo should be going to bed at 7:30pm or 8 at the very latest. Start the routine at least an hour before bedtime. Bath, stories, snuggles... talking about the day she had and what's going to happen tomorrow... Ideally have her sleep in a dark room with no sound. With all kids but especially young ones, healthy sleep habits are crucial.
2) Limit screens as much as possible. A half hour show or video game while you're cooking dinner, or a once-a-week movie night is fine, but turning a kid that age loose on electronics will come back to bite you in the butt really fast.
3) Find ways for her to help. A lot of her "help" will be more trouble than it's worth for you, but it's so good for kids to feel useful. Enforcing rules about picking up toys etc sounds too punitive to me. I would just do it together (lots of fun songs to sing about cleaning up) and praise her to the sky for being helpful.
3) Time outs. I know some people object, but they worked for me. Any hitting/tantrums gets a kid 1 min per year old in their room. After that, I offer to cuddle and talk about it, and the two of us can fix the problem together. My one worry is that if she's experienced trauma this could be bad. I'd check with her pediatrician.
Anyway, good luck--I think that there are SO many good ways to be a parent, it just takes love, consistency, and lots of energy. Good luck and enjoy.
posted by tk_zk at 2:06 PM on March 29, 2019 [10 favorites]
1) Consistent bedtime routine is SO important. 3yo should be going to bed at 7:30pm or 8 at the very latest. Start the routine at least an hour before bedtime. Bath, stories, snuggles... talking about the day she had and what's going to happen tomorrow... Ideally have her sleep in a dark room with no sound. With all kids but especially young ones, healthy sleep habits are crucial.
2) Limit screens as much as possible. A half hour show or video game while you're cooking dinner, or a once-a-week movie night is fine, but turning a kid that age loose on electronics will come back to bite you in the butt really fast.
3) Find ways for her to help. A lot of her "help" will be more trouble than it's worth for you, but it's so good for kids to feel useful. Enforcing rules about picking up toys etc sounds too punitive to me. I would just do it together (lots of fun songs to sing about cleaning up) and praise her to the sky for being helpful.
3) Time outs. I know some people object, but they worked for me. Any hitting/tantrums gets a kid 1 min per year old in their room. After that, I offer to cuddle and talk about it, and the two of us can fix the problem together. My one worry is that if she's experienced trauma this could be bad. I'd check with her pediatrician.
Anyway, good luck--I think that there are SO many good ways to be a parent, it just takes love, consistency, and lots of energy. Good luck and enjoy.
posted by tk_zk at 2:06 PM on March 29, 2019 [10 favorites]
Forcing tiny children to say words of apology is unproductive, promotes untruthful behavior, and is not something they are equipped to understand in any case.
You don't need a long list of rules now. You don't need to formulate meal strategies yet. See what she needs.
"Gentle hands" and "inside voices" are good guidelines. Cleaning up toys before dinner is a great idea if a neat area is important to you -- it's best to leave only the winding-down activities (bath, teeth, bedtime routine) for after dinner. You'll probably need some form of discipline at some point: I believe in time-outs as the default, with the goal being not to punish but that the kid has a private place to de-stimulate. Be consistent, be sure she knows she can believe what you say: don't ever threaten anything you won't go through with (e.g. no "we'll go home if you hit!" unless you are in fact prepared to go home. Which you may have to be.)
Consistent bedtime routine is crucial. Bath, pajamas, teeth, bedtime story, same time every night.
Good luck! You'll do great.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:08 PM on March 29, 2019 [7 favorites]
You don't need a long list of rules now. You don't need to formulate meal strategies yet. See what she needs.
"Gentle hands" and "inside voices" are good guidelines. Cleaning up toys before dinner is a great idea if a neat area is important to you -- it's best to leave only the winding-down activities (bath, teeth, bedtime routine) for after dinner. You'll probably need some form of discipline at some point: I believe in time-outs as the default, with the goal being not to punish but that the kid has a private place to de-stimulate. Be consistent, be sure she knows she can believe what you say: don't ever threaten anything you won't go through with (e.g. no "we'll go home if you hit!" unless you are in fact prepared to go home. Which you may have to be.)
Consistent bedtime routine is crucial. Bath, pajamas, teeth, bedtime story, same time every night.
Good luck! You'll do great.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:08 PM on March 29, 2019 [7 favorites]
If I think about the grandparents I know and compare them to the parents I know, it seems like grandparents care more about toilet training (expecting it to be earlier) and eating (stricter rules, higher expectations about eating what is put in front of you) and gender stuff (more "girls do this, boys do that" and binary gender stuff in general). But grandparents also are more relaxed in general. So, without knowing you or your style, I'd recommend making sure your expectations in those areas are ones you honestly believe and aren't based on out-of-date advice from when you were first parents.
Good luck! I hope this all goes well.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:23 PM on March 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
Good luck! I hope this all goes well.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:23 PM on March 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
My grandson is about this age. It breaks my heart to think of what could cause this situation to come about, and the impact that it would have had on him. For that reason I would be as gentle as possible on him to ease him into the new living arrangements. My priority would be to nurture him in a healing environment, with the minimum of new rules.
You have done this before, obviously, so have faith in your parenting skills, lean on what you have learnt in your grand-parenting era, and I am sure you will do a great job. Remember it is not about perfection, it is about doing the best you can.
Good luck, and good on you for taking on this new role!
posted by GeeEmm at 2:28 PM on March 29, 2019 [14 favorites]
You have done this before, obviously, so have faith in your parenting skills, lean on what you have learnt in your grand-parenting era, and I am sure you will do a great job. Remember it is not about perfection, it is about doing the best you can.
Good luck, and good on you for taking on this new role!
posted by GeeEmm at 2:28 PM on March 29, 2019 [14 favorites]
I really, really, really, super-strongly urge you to learn more about trauma before implementing a lot of rules or discipline strategies. Traumatized brains do not work the way that non-traumatized brains work, and some types of discipline can make things worse. Losing a parent and a home (and experiencing whatever trauma is leading up to losing a parent and a home), even temporarily, is traumatizing. The idea above to work with a child therapist for your granddaughter is great, and I would suggest looking for someone with training and experience in treating trauma and to set up a few sessions for you and your husband before your granddaughter moves in, if possible.
posted by lazuli at 2:29 PM on March 29, 2019 [43 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 2:29 PM on March 29, 2019 [43 favorites]
I wouldn't be too strict on the whole with a 3 year old. If she hates anything new for dinner, try 2 small bites, because the first taste is a surprise and the second time your mouth is ready (what I used to tell my kids and it seemed to work} If she hates it, the choice is something very simple, like peanut butter sandwich or, in my kid's case, a boiled egg. Fights over food should be minimized. Plus, it won't be long before she can make her own pb sammy.
If she has trouble falling asleep, get a sleep sheep. It has recorded sounds of rain, ocean, heartbeat, etc and can be very soothing.
Good luck. I envy you the fun times ahead, but I know it will be a huge, difficult change.
posted by Enid Lareg at 2:38 PM on March 29, 2019 [5 favorites]
If she has trouble falling asleep, get a sleep sheep. It has recorded sounds of rain, ocean, heartbeat, etc and can be very soothing.
Good luck. I envy you the fun times ahead, but I know it will be a huge, difficult change.
posted by Enid Lareg at 2:38 PM on March 29, 2019 [5 favorites]
Love the idea of routines instead of rules - but just wanted to bust out my 2 cents that a consistent adult who sets limits is seen as a safe adult by children.
also yeah, if there's trauma (and it is scary being away from your parents)/acting out, often just loving hugs and reassurance go a long way instead of trying to wrangle a little kid to fall in line. such a tough situation! I have faith you guys got this tho! follow your gut.
posted by speakeasy at 3:09 PM on March 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
also yeah, if there's trauma (and it is scary being away from your parents)/acting out, often just loving hugs and reassurance go a long way instead of trying to wrangle a little kid to fall in line. such a tough situation! I have faith you guys got this tho! follow your gut.
posted by speakeasy at 3:09 PM on March 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
""toys put away before bedtime". "
Might be too strong; you could get a big basket though and just make the rule that everything goes in there? 'Put away' might be too high concept.
At three, I think we focused on cleanliness (teeth brushing, hand washing), kindness to animals and people, and learning not to scream our way out of Macy's while attempting to buy sheets.
Wake up and bed times are really good to reinforce and do exactly the same way every day, whatever your routine is, it's helpful if it's obvious, sensory, and repetitious. We did warm milk, white noise generator, snuggle time, Goodnight Moon at the same time every single night for ages. It will be a relief and comfort to both of you! You will likely find yourself asking 'when is this day going to end?' and it will be really helpful if you all understand that even though kids can't tell time.
We played a certain song at bedtime, too. All those sensory cues really, really helped. It helped all of us. Mornings too. Repetition is a kindness and its own continuity.
We really had it *down* seven years ago. :)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:39 PM on March 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
Might be too strong; you could get a big basket though and just make the rule that everything goes in there? 'Put away' might be too high concept.
At three, I think we focused on cleanliness (teeth brushing, hand washing), kindness to animals and people, and learning not to scream our way out of Macy's while attempting to buy sheets.
Wake up and bed times are really good to reinforce and do exactly the same way every day, whatever your routine is, it's helpful if it's obvious, sensory, and repetitious. We did warm milk, white noise generator, snuggle time, Goodnight Moon at the same time every single night for ages. It will be a relief and comfort to both of you! You will likely find yourself asking 'when is this day going to end?' and it will be really helpful if you all understand that even though kids can't tell time.
We played a certain song at bedtime, too. All those sensory cues really, really helped. It helped all of us. Mornings too. Repetition is a kindness and its own continuity.
We really had it *down* seven years ago. :)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:39 PM on March 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
We framed many of these as routines instead of rules. So there aren't punishments, but logical consequences. We clean up our toys before we start our bedtime routine. Not cleaning = shorter routine, and cuts out the part the kids like best. It's not punitive. If the toys don't get picked up, we just don't have time. It's been the routine since the kids were 2, so it was well understood at 3. We wash our hands before we eat, we go potty before we drive somewhere, etc.
Rules are saved for safety issues mostly. We do not hit other people. We don't run away from Mom into the street. That's pretty much it now that I think of it.
Routines make life easier with any preschooler and doubly so I would imagine with one who's just gone through such a tough time. Maybe try to reframe it that way.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 3:39 PM on March 29, 2019 [7 favorites]
Rules are saved for safety issues mostly. We do not hit other people. We don't run away from Mom into the street. That's pretty much it now that I think of it.
Routines make life easier with any preschooler and doubly so I would imagine with one who's just gone through such a tough time. Maybe try to reframe it that way.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 3:39 PM on March 29, 2019 [7 favorites]
I'd just like to add: don't stress this too much. Three is a hard age. Pushback is normal, especially after such a disruptive event. What the child probably needs is extra hugs, familiar blankets, steadiness, etc. I know it might feel like 'laying down the law here' is what you're supposed to do, but I agree with those above who say this would be very, very hard on both of you....and not very much fun.
It is going to be hard, but fun and loving kindness is something to strive for above all else. That's what will be modeled into adulthood.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:42 PM on March 29, 2019 [7 favorites]
It is going to be hard, but fun and loving kindness is something to strive for above all else. That's what will be modeled into adulthood.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:42 PM on March 29, 2019 [7 favorites]
Great advice up top. The only topic I did not see was the treatment of animals. If you have pets, institute guidelines on how to live with the animals safely and respectfully. Demonstrate the proper way to touch the animal, prohibit interaction during feeding time.
posted by crazycanuck at 4:03 PM on March 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by crazycanuck at 4:03 PM on March 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
Best answer: We're foster parents currently raising a 3yo. We don't really have "rules" so to speak but to the extent that we do they're:
* Separate your clothes and put them into the laundry basket (no tangled underpants and pants please)
* Hang up your coat when you take it off.
* Shoes off when you come inside. And shoes get lined up neatly next to each other by the door, not flung about.
* Clothes that aren't dirty get set on a specific chair. I deal with them later.
* When we say it's time to go pee, you need to sit on the toilet and count to 20. Even if you don't need pee right now.
* Food stays in the kitchen and dining room.
* If you wet your bed, always tell a grown up. That comes with a promise: I won't be mad.
* When you poop be sure to tell someone who can check your wiping.
* Put your toothbrush where it goes.
* Stay sitting at the table until you're done eating.
* Take your plate to the kitchen when you're through (we don't bother with asking to be excused because she eats so slowly that I've usually got my mending out by the time she's done)
* There's no running in the house.
* The living room is not a jungle gym.
But these are all things we remind her to do. I don't just expect that she'll do it. I remind her that she needs to hang her coat up. I sometimes call her back to the entry way and make a joke of it -- I don't get mad or stern when she doesn't, but I do have her hang it up. And honestly if I'm feeling frustrated or exhausted I just do it because I know my little "who left a coat just lying on the floor!?!" is not going to come out nicely.
Other things we try to enforce but don't always succeed at:
* When it's time to put your toys away I need you to do it. Having accessible baskets really helps with this. Also, she doesn't do it alone. So if a friend is leaving and it's time to put things away, we all do it together. In general we tidy up any projects before dinner. After dinner is strictly for bathing, stories, and zzzs.
* When it's time to put PJs on, it is not time to get out new toys.
* When I ask you to give the dog his food (we dish it up, I literally just need you to set the bowl down and call him) that means its your job to do it.
* When I ask you to let the dog out, I need you to do it.
We've established a lot of rules around food over the years. We try not to make meals the kids loathe, or if we do make them we also make hotdogs, but what is for dinner is what is for dinner and you need to finish whats on your plate before you have seconds of anything. Courtesy bites are required, but you don't have to eat more than that. We got into some bad patterns with early placements because when they hated something we'd just make a hotdog and then they just wanted hot dogs every night. Somewhere on here is my post asking for advice about making dinner for those first kids! So now we tend to stick to tried and true meals most of the week and make hotdogs or fish sticks or mac and cheese when we're having something more "experimental" -- they still need to have a courtesy bite, though. We work on basic table manners but try to stay realistic.
We don't get into dessert at all. Dessert is a special treat and we have it when we have it but you're not entitled to it and it isn't a reward for finishing your dinner.
One rule that I'm big on that is a huge sanity saver: if you're running or biking or skating or scooting or racing or skipping or walking ahead of me, you stop at the edge of the last building. Not at the curb. We spend weeks stopping at the right place and doing a jump. "We stop here!" -- I established this with kids biking in NYC, because I needed to see them stop BEFORE they were inches from careening into traffic, but even now that I live on calmer streets it is just so much more reassuring to know that they're halting a few feet from danger.
We do almost zero screen time. Screens are for long drives and taking down braids. While I'm cooking she cooks in her kitchen or draws or hangs out and talks to me. She's good at helping (which isn't always helpful but I try) or just getting up on a stool so she can see what I'm doing.
Shifting gears from being an indulgent grandparent to a day-to-day parent is hard.
posted by amandabee at 4:05 PM on March 29, 2019 [19 favorites]
* Separate your clothes and put them into the laundry basket (no tangled underpants and pants please)
* Hang up your coat when you take it off.
* Shoes off when you come inside. And shoes get lined up neatly next to each other by the door, not flung about.
* Clothes that aren't dirty get set on a specific chair. I deal with them later.
* When we say it's time to go pee, you need to sit on the toilet and count to 20. Even if you don't need pee right now.
* Food stays in the kitchen and dining room.
* If you wet your bed, always tell a grown up. That comes with a promise: I won't be mad.
* When you poop be sure to tell someone who can check your wiping.
* Put your toothbrush where it goes.
* Stay sitting at the table until you're done eating.
* Take your plate to the kitchen when you're through (we don't bother with asking to be excused because she eats so slowly that I've usually got my mending out by the time she's done)
* There's no running in the house.
* The living room is not a jungle gym.
But these are all things we remind her to do. I don't just expect that she'll do it. I remind her that she needs to hang her coat up. I sometimes call her back to the entry way and make a joke of it -- I don't get mad or stern when she doesn't, but I do have her hang it up. And honestly if I'm feeling frustrated or exhausted I just do it because I know my little "who left a coat just lying on the floor!?!" is not going to come out nicely.
Other things we try to enforce but don't always succeed at:
* When it's time to put your toys away I need you to do it. Having accessible baskets really helps with this. Also, she doesn't do it alone. So if a friend is leaving and it's time to put things away, we all do it together. In general we tidy up any projects before dinner. After dinner is strictly for bathing, stories, and zzzs.
* When it's time to put PJs on, it is not time to get out new toys.
* When I ask you to give the dog his food (we dish it up, I literally just need you to set the bowl down and call him) that means its your job to do it.
* When I ask you to let the dog out, I need you to do it.
We've established a lot of rules around food over the years. We try not to make meals the kids loathe, or if we do make them we also make hotdogs, but what is for dinner is what is for dinner and you need to finish whats on your plate before you have seconds of anything. Courtesy bites are required, but you don't have to eat more than that. We got into some bad patterns with early placements because when they hated something we'd just make a hotdog and then they just wanted hot dogs every night. Somewhere on here is my post asking for advice about making dinner for those first kids! So now we tend to stick to tried and true meals most of the week and make hotdogs or fish sticks or mac and cheese when we're having something more "experimental" -- they still need to have a courtesy bite, though. We work on basic table manners but try to stay realistic.
We don't get into dessert at all. Dessert is a special treat and we have it when we have it but you're not entitled to it and it isn't a reward for finishing your dinner.
One rule that I'm big on that is a huge sanity saver: if you're running or biking or skating or scooting or racing or skipping or walking ahead of me, you stop at the edge of the last building. Not at the curb. We spend weeks stopping at the right place and doing a jump. "We stop here!" -- I established this with kids biking in NYC, because I needed to see them stop BEFORE they were inches from careening into traffic, but even now that I live on calmer streets it is just so much more reassuring to know that they're halting a few feet from danger.
We do almost zero screen time. Screens are for long drives and taking down braids. While I'm cooking she cooks in her kitchen or draws or hangs out and talks to me. She's good at helping (which isn't always helpful but I try) or just getting up on a stool so she can see what I'm doing.
Shifting gears from being an indulgent grandparent to a day-to-day parent is hard.
posted by amandabee at 4:05 PM on March 29, 2019 [19 favorites]
There may be "4-5" written or verbalized rules, but every child knows there are many, many rules in the home that aren't expressed.
You could try to list all the hundreds, or you could lead by example, and only verbalize with an explanation if needed.
Some that may not need to be spoken, that you will live out by example:
Everyone gets dressed every day and combs their hair.
Everyone takes a bath/shower washes hair, etc, x times a week.
Everyone brushes their teeth.
Everyone washes after using the restroom.
I think a kid deserves a framing of the rule if they don't see or understand it, and an explanation if necessary, but there are so many things that are just expectations that kids fall in with. Some of the rules like getting dressed every day might be negotiated or occasionally waived, but it's good to verbalize the why of it. All this stuff falls under the Prime Directive, that can be stated with raised eyebrows--'But this is how WE do it here!' AKA, for teens:--'My house, My rules'.
I think the best rules you can verbalize are ones of loving kindness--no hitting or mean words, gentle with pets, be polite, be helpful, etc.
Other stuff, like picking up toys, can fall under the general rule of 'We all live here, and we all help do what needs to be done in our house.' Everybody picks up their stuff, everybody helps with the laundry and cleaning house, whether it's picking up toys, folding washcloths, or dusting. The corollary to this is 'We all help each other do these things, then we feel loved and cherished and have more time for fun together.'
posted by BlueHorse at 4:13 PM on March 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
You could try to list all the hundreds, or you could lead by example, and only verbalize with an explanation if needed.
Some that may not need to be spoken, that you will live out by example:
Everyone gets dressed every day and combs their hair.
Everyone takes a bath/shower washes hair, etc, x times a week.
Everyone brushes their teeth.
Everyone washes after using the restroom.
I think a kid deserves a framing of the rule if they don't see or understand it, and an explanation if necessary, but there are so many things that are just expectations that kids fall in with. Some of the rules like getting dressed every day might be negotiated or occasionally waived, but it's good to verbalize the why of it. All this stuff falls under the Prime Directive, that can be stated with raised eyebrows--'But this is how WE do it here!' AKA, for teens:--'My house, My rules'.
I think the best rules you can verbalize are ones of loving kindness--no hitting or mean words, gentle with pets, be polite, be helpful, etc.
Other stuff, like picking up toys, can fall under the general rule of 'We all live here, and we all help do what needs to be done in our house.' Everybody picks up their stuff, everybody helps with the laundry and cleaning house, whether it's picking up toys, folding washcloths, or dusting. The corollary to this is 'We all help each other do these things, then we feel loved and cherished and have more time for fun together.'
posted by BlueHorse at 4:13 PM on March 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
It's really really hard to set these rules before you know the kid. Reading through some of the above, some of them are laughable with my kid - things like "if you try to leave the table you won't be allowed to eat dinner" - her whole goal is to not eat, and she would LOVE to not eat, so if we had that rule it would be a disaster. (Same with "she eats what we eat or she doesn't eat" - she would very, very happily never eat. Guess who loses in that game?). "We put away our toys before bed": you mean I can't do [thing I don't want to do] unless I do [other thing I don't want to do]? Let's never do it then!
The only things that make sense are rules right now are general "be kind" and "no hitting"-type things, not really prescriptive stuff.
And yes yes a million times yes to "we" do this stuff, not "you" do this stuff.
This is really hard and you guys are taking on a lot, it's ok to play it by ear a little bit as you go.
posted by brainmouse at 4:27 PM on March 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
The only things that make sense are rules right now are general "be kind" and "no hitting"-type things, not really prescriptive stuff.
And yes yes a million times yes to "we" do this stuff, not "you" do this stuff.
This is really hard and you guys are taking on a lot, it's ok to play it by ear a little bit as you go.
posted by brainmouse at 4:27 PM on March 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Please do look into trauma informed parenting. A lot of the suggestions above are great for children who have never experienced trauma, but not great for kids who have. If you want some resources for this, memail me and I'll be happy to send some! (child trauma therapist here.)
posted by fairlynearlyready at 4:40 PM on March 29, 2019 [16 favorites]
posted by fairlynearlyready at 4:40 PM on March 29, 2019 [16 favorites]
We're raising our nearly 2yo currently (non-trauma scenario, mind you) and the advice we read from the Moms On Call series of books was in line with some of the previous answers here: keep the rules suuuper simple, broad, and regularly reinforced. They recommended always practicing / reviewing the rules in what they refer to as the "inbetween time" that comes after the day is done but right before bedtime. So, every night, we say:
In our house we have 3 rules: we are kind to others, we don't hurt others, we obey mama and dada. We know you are going to be so great at this because you are a wonderful boy and we love you.
Then, we remind him throughout the day when it's time to remember one of the rules. Need to put toys away? We obey mama and dada. Need to share our cookies? We be kind to others. Not OK to hit? We don't hurt others. And we thank profusely when the preferred behavior is selected.
posted by allkindsoftime at 5:20 PM on March 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
In our house we have 3 rules: we are kind to others, we don't hurt others, we obey mama and dada. We know you are going to be so great at this because you are a wonderful boy and we love you.
Then, we remind him throughout the day when it's time to remember one of the rules. Need to put toys away? We obey mama and dada. Need to share our cookies? We be kind to others. Not OK to hit? We don't hurt others. And we thank profusely when the preferred behavior is selected.
posted by allkindsoftime at 5:20 PM on March 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Gosh, there are so many great insights, I wish I could mark more than one best answer! The emphasis on consistency and having a set schedule is kind of in our DNA here so I think we're on the right track in that aspect. Thanks for the coaching on having a schedule we live by vs. hard and fast rules; family counseling as well. You guys are the best!
posted by hrhcc at 5:27 PM on March 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by hrhcc at 5:27 PM on March 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
It's implied by many of the comments, but to make it explicit: three-year-olds have a limited attention span. You can't be too demanding. When there is a failure, it's often better to pitch in and help than to scold.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:36 PM on March 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by SemiSalt at 5:36 PM on March 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
You really should watch Daniel Tiger with her, you and your granddaughter will get so much out of it. I think as a parent I learned as much as my son, and it gives you and her a good handbook for dealing with so many situations, emotions, and new things. The songs are great for that age too, and can help with transitions and other potentially fraught situations.
In general you will have better luck if you focus on letting her know what she can do, so try to reframe things in those terms or you’ll just end up saying “no” constantly. I’d advise doing tons of non-response and redirect. She may be super attention seeking so give her positive reinforcement and ignore some of the misbehaving or inappropriate stuff where possible). And pick your battles (and giving her control over lots of little things will help). For chores and things she doesn’t really want to do, have a reinforcer. For example my son gets one episode of a show per night but he has to be in pjs with toys put away first. Before we figured that out it was a constant battle trying to get him to change clothes. You’ll figure out the things she really likes and can use these with a “first, then” approach.
But definitely listen to lazuli’s advice (and others) with regard to trauma. Good luck, your granddaughter is lucky to have you.
posted by JenMarie at 8:08 PM on March 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
In general you will have better luck if you focus on letting her know what she can do, so try to reframe things in those terms or you’ll just end up saying “no” constantly. I’d advise doing tons of non-response and redirect. She may be super attention seeking so give her positive reinforcement and ignore some of the misbehaving or inappropriate stuff where possible). And pick your battles (and giving her control over lots of little things will help). For chores and things she doesn’t really want to do, have a reinforcer. For example my son gets one episode of a show per night but he has to be in pjs with toys put away first. Before we figured that out it was a constant battle trying to get him to change clothes. You’ll figure out the things she really likes and can use these with a “first, then” approach.
But definitely listen to lazuli’s advice (and others) with regard to trauma. Good luck, your granddaughter is lucky to have you.
posted by JenMarie at 8:08 PM on March 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
I wish I could mark more than one best answer!
You totally can. Ask Metafilter allows multiple best answers.
posted by axiom at 9:11 PM on March 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
You totally can. Ask Metafilter allows multiple best answers.
posted by axiom at 9:11 PM on March 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
I parented and I guess they're still mine :-) traumatised kids who grew up pretty cool. Lots of good advice above, especially the books.
I would highly recommend now finding a play or art therapist to help her. This takes a loooong time especially if you are going through some kind of government waiting list or just referrals, but a good child play/art therapist will give a very young child the tools and space to process some big scary emotions before they become harmful. Even once a month visits is super great.
Don't practice cry it out sleep training, just sleep in her room until shep falls asleep three and go back to your room or leave the lights on or whatever works. But don't leave her crying alone in her room, you'll set up for years more grief ahead even if you get sleep now. 3 is when some kids are co-sleeping still. My traumatised kids co-slept until they were 5 to 7 which is not that out of range around here, although the death grip they slept with on me was different.
And consider giving her full control over her clothes. I feel pretty strongly about this for little kids. We provide their wardrobe and it is their body, so tell her the weather rules and let her decide how she wants to dress within those rules. If she wants to wear purple plaid pants and a sparkly dress on top, tell her she looks great. If she wants to wear her favourite yellow shirt five days in a row, show her how it needs to be washed and dried on day three and get her to help. They'll figure out a style and learn to dress appropriately at some point. Meanwhile you avoid fights, she gets to feel creative and owns her body and clothes.
Food is harder because they would exist on just apples and chips if allowed. The 3 or 7 bites rule is good.
I have few rules with my kids now, but they are very very firm rules about not hurting people. I regret deeply trying authoritarian style with them, abandoned pretty fast but it did not work at all and damaged trust.
She already knows and trusts you, you are gong to be amazing parents.
Also get yourselves lots of support and babysitting. You will be so tired! Playdates where you can rest and have a coffee and not watch her, anyone you trust and she knows to take her for an afternoon or to come over to your house to watch her while you run errands? If licensing is an issue with adoption stuff, someone to be on the house with one of you while the other pops out to take a break. You will be so so tired because 3 year olds run at two speeds: energiser bunny or asleep.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 10:10 PM on March 29, 2019 [5 favorites]
I would highly recommend now finding a play or art therapist to help her. This takes a loooong time especially if you are going through some kind of government waiting list or just referrals, but a good child play/art therapist will give a very young child the tools and space to process some big scary emotions before they become harmful. Even once a month visits is super great.
Don't practice cry it out sleep training, just sleep in her room until shep falls asleep three and go back to your room or leave the lights on or whatever works. But don't leave her crying alone in her room, you'll set up for years more grief ahead even if you get sleep now. 3 is when some kids are co-sleeping still. My traumatised kids co-slept until they were 5 to 7 which is not that out of range around here, although the death grip they slept with on me was different.
And consider giving her full control over her clothes. I feel pretty strongly about this for little kids. We provide their wardrobe and it is their body, so tell her the weather rules and let her decide how she wants to dress within those rules. If she wants to wear purple plaid pants and a sparkly dress on top, tell her she looks great. If she wants to wear her favourite yellow shirt five days in a row, show her how it needs to be washed and dried on day three and get her to help. They'll figure out a style and learn to dress appropriately at some point. Meanwhile you avoid fights, she gets to feel creative and owns her body and clothes.
Food is harder because they would exist on just apples and chips if allowed. The 3 or 7 bites rule is good.
I have few rules with my kids now, but they are very very firm rules about not hurting people. I regret deeply trying authoritarian style with them, abandoned pretty fast but it did not work at all and damaged trust.
She already knows and trusts you, you are gong to be amazing parents.
Also get yourselves lots of support and babysitting. You will be so tired! Playdates where you can rest and have a coffee and not watch her, anyone you trust and she knows to take her for an afternoon or to come over to your house to watch her while you run errands? If licensing is an issue with adoption stuff, someone to be on the house with one of you while the other pops out to take a break. You will be so so tired because 3 year olds run at two speeds: energiser bunny or asleep.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 10:10 PM on March 29, 2019 [5 favorites]
Seconding the suggestion to find a play or art therapist. I am parenting a 3-year-old with a history of trauma. We waited over 6 months for an opening. It has really been worth it, in improving his confidence and alleviating his fears.
Often we think that, if something tough happens to a baby, they will forget all about it & outgrow the trauma. But often they feel it in their bodies in a nonverbal way. This pre-verbal trauma is deeply affecting. Therapy really helps.
posted by ElisaOS at 6:43 AM on March 30, 2019 [7 favorites]
Often we think that, if something tough happens to a baby, they will forget all about it & outgrow the trauma. But often they feel it in their bodies in a nonverbal way. This pre-verbal trauma is deeply affecting. Therapy really helps.
posted by ElisaOS at 6:43 AM on March 30, 2019 [7 favorites]
I notice that you’ve not favorited any of the trauma-informed suggestions. It may be that you feel there hasn’t been trauma (for example violence) involved in this situation, but I want to suggest that separation from your parents and home is per se a trauma.
posted by Iteki at 3:37 AM on March 31, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Iteki at 3:37 AM on March 31, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Iteki - yes, the mark as favorites was new to me. But I have done some preliminary research and do believe there has been trauma beyond the separation aspect in our situation. I used some of it last night (her first night here) when I noticed she was sad over missing her mother. I held her for over an hour while she cried it out and let her know it is okay to be sad. Lots of good suggestions from preliminary reading and also have both recommended books on the way from Amazon.
Thanks so much for highlighting the very critical trauma aspect in these situations especially for others who may follow this thread in the future. You rock!
posted by hrhcc at 12:08 PM on March 31, 2019 [10 favorites]
Thanks so much for highlighting the very critical trauma aspect in these situations especially for others who may follow this thread in the future. You rock!
posted by hrhcc at 12:08 PM on March 31, 2019 [10 favorites]
Hi, I became the guardian of my 5-year-old niece last spring and her story was one of trauma and neglect (and possibly abuse, we don't really know). I don't have time to read through all the responses, so forgive me if any of this is a repeat.
1. Don't expect much from her at first. It will take months for her to find her equilibrium and feel at home.
2. Don't focus on expectations; instead, focus on predictable routines. Talk with her about what we do and when, narrate what's going on, etc.
3. I highly recommend finding a play therapist in your area. A 3-year-old has big feelings but no tools to process them yet; a good therapist can really help her, and also help YOU understand what she's going through and giving advice about how to handle things that come up. My niece's therapist has been absolutely WONDERFUL at answering questions I have and coming up with suggestions for ways to handle things like toileting, aggression, food issues, and the like.
4. Patience, patience, patience, and more patience. No matter how hard it is for you, it's 100 times harder for her. Be gentle, be understanding, and always give her the benefit of the doubt. For me this has been so hard, because there are so many frustrating behaviors that can crop up in traumatized children but they really need to feel safe and loved. Just remind yourself over and over that none of this is her fault and she's doing the best she can.
Good luck. When we took our niece in we knew it was going to be hard but we had no idea HOW hard. It's probably one of the most challenging things I have ever done but it can be so rewarding to see the progress that kids can make in safe, supportive care.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:49 AM on April 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
1. Don't expect much from her at first. It will take months for her to find her equilibrium and feel at home.
2. Don't focus on expectations; instead, focus on predictable routines. Talk with her about what we do and when, narrate what's going on, etc.
3. I highly recommend finding a play therapist in your area. A 3-year-old has big feelings but no tools to process them yet; a good therapist can really help her, and also help YOU understand what she's going through and giving advice about how to handle things that come up. My niece's therapist has been absolutely WONDERFUL at answering questions I have and coming up with suggestions for ways to handle things like toileting, aggression, food issues, and the like.
4. Patience, patience, patience, and more patience. No matter how hard it is for you, it's 100 times harder for her. Be gentle, be understanding, and always give her the benefit of the doubt. For me this has been so hard, because there are so many frustrating behaviors that can crop up in traumatized children but they really need to feel safe and loved. Just remind yourself over and over that none of this is her fault and she's doing the best she can.
Good luck. When we took our niece in we knew it was going to be hard but we had no idea HOW hard. It's probably one of the most challenging things I have ever done but it can be so rewarding to see the progress that kids can make in safe, supportive care.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:49 AM on April 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
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2) gentle hands and legs
3) put toys away when asked
......
A big picture thing may be rewarding her when shes a good listener and she does what you want to do. Its easier to prevent bad behavior from occuring than it is to stop it once it starts to occur. Shes probably going to be under stress, so she'd benefit from lots if praise and encouragement and love for even the simplest tasks.
With that said, I'm blanking on 2 more rules so I'm sure someone else can step in there.
posted by Amy93 at 1:19 PM on March 29, 2019 [10 favorites]