What are some healthy coping mechanisms for negative feelings?
March 27, 2019 11:37 AM Subscribe
I have been working on being more emotionally present and expressive, but a lot of negative feelings keep getting stirred up and I don't know how to deal with them. These feelings are intrusive, distracting, and really painful -- I need some relief. Usually, I would shut down emotionally or maybe indulge in escapism and call it a day. But I am working on using healthier coping mechanisms now. My question is, what ARE those healthier coping mechanisms? How can I deal with this, in both the short and long term?
I am seeing a therapist, but when I went to her about this a couple weeks ago, she basically just said that that's life. I asked what other people do, if they just tough it out? And she said yes. I think I must not have been expressing myself well, because it's hard for me to believe that most people are feeling like this day to day. It's horrible -- how would anybody even get anything done? If she is right, though, then I'm sorry to hear that. And I really need to know how you all stand it!
These feelings are painful to the point that I physically hurt. It's like I'm being crushed from the inside out, or like a bird is trying to claw its way out of my chest. They're a horrible distraction at work, and my social life is also taking a hit because I'm more awkward, rude, and withdrawn than usual. I've been taking antidepressants, going to church, all that usual "feel better" kind of stuff, but this is pain about more specific things and not just the usual all-around ennui/hopelessness/etc that those more holistic strategies tend to help me with.
I'm specifically getting upset about personal circumstances that are pretty normal and definitely old news, but that I'm feeling very raw about all of a sudden. For example, my father is an active alcoholic. This has always been upsetting, but suddenly thoughts about it are plaguing me, and I'm seeing signs of its impact everywhere. I've even been thinking of going to al-anon, even though it's like, "why now?" and even though I'm not sure what in his behavior is actually a result of drinking and what is the result of neurological problems or just him being him. Another example is that my grandmother, who was like a parent to me, has severe dementia. This has been a sad and difficult reality for over a decade, but suddenly my grief for her feels very intense and fresh. Another example is that my parents were a bit neglectful when I was growing up, and one direct result of that is that I have an unresolvable medical issue that comes up every day (and always will). This medical issue started when I was a small child, so I've had pretty much my whole life to get used to it, and I have even been able to get some help for it as an adult, but all of a sudden, it has all this emotional weight. There are other things related to my family and how I grew up that also keep running through my head and causing me pain.
Rationally, I know that there are much bigger things going on in the world and even in my own life, but somehow, I still get fixated on this old stuff. I'm clearly trying to process it, but I don't know how, and I hate doing it in any case.
These negative thoughts/feelings get set off whenever something gets me thinking about my family or my past, which means that they're getting set off all. the. time. I would prefer to just not feel anything, but I know that's not healthy or even sustainable. Plus, being cut off from your feelings is not great for relationships, life fulfillment, making art, all that good stuff. So I'm looking for coping mechanisms that involve me feeling these feelings but coping with them in ways that keep the destruction (and ideally, the pain) they're causing to a more bearable level than it's at right now. All advice appreciated.
I am seeing a therapist, but when I went to her about this a couple weeks ago, she basically just said that that's life. I asked what other people do, if they just tough it out? And she said yes. I think I must not have been expressing myself well, because it's hard for me to believe that most people are feeling like this day to day. It's horrible -- how would anybody even get anything done? If she is right, though, then I'm sorry to hear that. And I really need to know how you all stand it!
These feelings are painful to the point that I physically hurt. It's like I'm being crushed from the inside out, or like a bird is trying to claw its way out of my chest. They're a horrible distraction at work, and my social life is also taking a hit because I'm more awkward, rude, and withdrawn than usual. I've been taking antidepressants, going to church, all that usual "feel better" kind of stuff, but this is pain about more specific things and not just the usual all-around ennui/hopelessness/etc that those more holistic strategies tend to help me with.
I'm specifically getting upset about personal circumstances that are pretty normal and definitely old news, but that I'm feeling very raw about all of a sudden. For example, my father is an active alcoholic. This has always been upsetting, but suddenly thoughts about it are plaguing me, and I'm seeing signs of its impact everywhere. I've even been thinking of going to al-anon, even though it's like, "why now?" and even though I'm not sure what in his behavior is actually a result of drinking and what is the result of neurological problems or just him being him. Another example is that my grandmother, who was like a parent to me, has severe dementia. This has been a sad and difficult reality for over a decade, but suddenly my grief for her feels very intense and fresh. Another example is that my parents were a bit neglectful when I was growing up, and one direct result of that is that I have an unresolvable medical issue that comes up every day (and always will). This medical issue started when I was a small child, so I've had pretty much my whole life to get used to it, and I have even been able to get some help for it as an adult, but all of a sudden, it has all this emotional weight. There are other things related to my family and how I grew up that also keep running through my head and causing me pain.
Rationally, I know that there are much bigger things going on in the world and even in my own life, but somehow, I still get fixated on this old stuff. I'm clearly trying to process it, but I don't know how, and I hate doing it in any case.
These negative thoughts/feelings get set off whenever something gets me thinking about my family or my past, which means that they're getting set off all. the. time. I would prefer to just not feel anything, but I know that's not healthy or even sustainable. Plus, being cut off from your feelings is not great for relationships, life fulfillment, making art, all that good stuff. So I'm looking for coping mechanisms that involve me feeling these feelings but coping with them in ways that keep the destruction (and ideally, the pain) they're causing to a more bearable level than it's at right now. All advice appreciated.
You are experiencing intense emotional issues. Your therapists response seems inadequate; I would re-open the issue.
I have been helped by the book Playing Ball On Running Water, which is about Morita Therapy.
posted by theora55 at 12:07 PM on March 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
I have been helped by the book Playing Ball On Running Water, which is about Morita Therapy.
posted by theora55 at 12:07 PM on March 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
I would go to al anon, you should receive good support and advice there. Read John Bradshaw about the family. Realize you won't get resolution in your family, but sharing in other's grief can help. Cut your father off, visit just so much with your demented grandmother, always tell her you love her, and thank her each time so when she passes you have done that. It is just time for a change, walk away from your past, promise yourself it is over. Move out of state if you have to.
posted by Oyéah at 12:36 PM on March 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 12:36 PM on March 27, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think you should actually use the phrase "intrusive thoughts" with your therapist, who is not understanding the intensity of what you are describing.
I have to do visualization exercises most of the time to deal with the worst/most tenacious of these (which are nowhere near the frequency you describe). I do give the thought a moment of my attention, as if it were an alarm going off or even like a pet or person alerting me to something I don't have any control over (like the past, or someone else's behavior): yes, hello, I see you; yes, that is definitely distressing. But then you need to go put that thought in the place where it belongs (file cabinet, down a well, rocket into space, whatever visual works for you) and turn your force field back on to re-establish your buffer zone between you+the things you control versus the rest of the world. That buffer zone is something you can be working on separately, ideally at beginning and end of day plus any time you're about to have to do something where intrusions are most likely, and eventually it becomes a thing that doesn't get randomly breached and you get to decide when to let those thoughts in to work on them.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:48 PM on March 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
I have to do visualization exercises most of the time to deal with the worst/most tenacious of these (which are nowhere near the frequency you describe). I do give the thought a moment of my attention, as if it were an alarm going off or even like a pet or person alerting me to something I don't have any control over (like the past, or someone else's behavior): yes, hello, I see you; yes, that is definitely distressing. But then you need to go put that thought in the place where it belongs (file cabinet, down a well, rocket into space, whatever visual works for you) and turn your force field back on to re-establish your buffer zone between you+the things you control versus the rest of the world. That buffer zone is something you can be working on separately, ideally at beginning and end of day plus any time you're about to have to do something where intrusions are most likely, and eventually it becomes a thing that doesn't get randomly breached and you get to decide when to let those thoughts in to work on them.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:48 PM on March 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
Best answer: when I went to her about this a couple weeks ago, she basically just said that that's life. I asked what other people do, if they just tough it out? And she said yes. I think I must not have been expressing myself well
I would either push back on this, if you like your therapist and would like to continue seeing them, or consider another therapist. That is not actually a very helpful or constructive response. Consider going in with that as a problem to be solved (not like something you mention when talking about other things) and see if their response changes. Agree with Lyn "Intrusive thoughts" is really where I'd go with this also.
Also, geez, hugs. I had an alcoholic father and in my world I spent a lot of time, too much time, trying to figure out what *I* had done wrong when I was feeling awful because that was the model. Drunk dad blames everyone else for his problems and after a while, especially if you are a child, you believe him. So I don't know if you need to cut him or or just really start working the steps of al-anon (read a book or two and see if it resonates for you, it's not for everyone but what is SUPER helpful is seeing "Oh wow, I thought this was just my bad personality but really it's a super typical thing people who grew up like me experience")
And possibly consider your anti-depressants may not be working so well? I mean this is a thing to talk to a doc about, but that mopey stuck-on-bad-past stuff often happens to me when I'm depressed. Like the rest of the time I'm still like "Well I had a bad dad and that wasn't great" but I don't get STUCK in that feeling, I just see it and then live my life. (for me it's like PMS, I still see the same stressors in my live but when I have PMS they AGGRAVATE me and when I don't, they are just annoyances)
Agree with Dressed to Kill, meditation helped me a little for this. Like learning how to feel the feeling and just sit with it, not feel like you have to act on it, punish yourself, punish someone, or something. So as you say "needing some relief" Finding ways to scratch that itch without having to have it cause more bad feelings. Sometimes I would say to myself, when I was on a jag of "MY BAD CHILDHOOD!" like "Well, it stops with me." and then finding ways to let the past stay there and not let it colonize my present. It's hard, I won't say it isn't, but meditation can be good at being a practice, you keep doing it, it becomes a helpful healthy habit that can help you cope just a little bit more. Doing some of the Headspace freebie stuff (very good on techniques) can let you know if it might work for yu. There are a lot of good free apps if it's something you like.
posted by jessamyn at 12:52 PM on March 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
I would either push back on this, if you like your therapist and would like to continue seeing them, or consider another therapist. That is not actually a very helpful or constructive response. Consider going in with that as a problem to be solved (not like something you mention when talking about other things) and see if their response changes. Agree with Lyn "Intrusive thoughts" is really where I'd go with this also.
Also, geez, hugs. I had an alcoholic father and in my world I spent a lot of time, too much time, trying to figure out what *I* had done wrong when I was feeling awful because that was the model. Drunk dad blames everyone else for his problems and after a while, especially if you are a child, you believe him. So I don't know if you need to cut him or or just really start working the steps of al-anon (read a book or two and see if it resonates for you, it's not for everyone but what is SUPER helpful is seeing "Oh wow, I thought this was just my bad personality but really it's a super typical thing people who grew up like me experience")
And possibly consider your anti-depressants may not be working so well? I mean this is a thing to talk to a doc about, but that mopey stuck-on-bad-past stuff often happens to me when I'm depressed. Like the rest of the time I'm still like "Well I had a bad dad and that wasn't great" but I don't get STUCK in that feeling, I just see it and then live my life. (for me it's like PMS, I still see the same stressors in my live but when I have PMS they AGGRAVATE me and when I don't, they are just annoyances)
Agree with Dressed to Kill, meditation helped me a little for this. Like learning how to feel the feeling and just sit with it, not feel like you have to act on it, punish yourself, punish someone, or something. So as you say "needing some relief" Finding ways to scratch that itch without having to have it cause more bad feelings. Sometimes I would say to myself, when I was on a jag of "MY BAD CHILDHOOD!" like "Well, it stops with me." and then finding ways to let the past stay there and not let it colonize my present. It's hard, I won't say it isn't, but meditation can be good at being a practice, you keep doing it, it becomes a helpful healthy habit that can help you cope just a little bit more. Doing some of the Headspace freebie stuff (very good on techniques) can let you know if it might work for yu. There are a lot of good free apps if it's something you like.
posted by jessamyn at 12:52 PM on March 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry you're in so much distress right now. It makes a lot of sense to me that these feelings would be arising as you've begun to be more in touch with your emotional experience. Unfortunately we can't choose which emotions we're open to - once you open up, you feel it all. But I don't believe that most people are walking around in the kind of acute distress you're describing, and I don't believe that you will be forever either. You're confronting these emotions for the first time, so of course they are very poignant at the moment. It sounds like you are in a period of deep grieving, for your childhood, health, and family. Like any grief, some of this will ease with time. I had a therapist once tell me that grief comes in waves; at first the waves are large and close together and slowly they become smaller and farther apart. It does sound like you need some new strategies to ride these waves. I agree with the previous answers that your therapist should be doing more to help you discover and implement these strategies, and it's worth it to either press the issue with her or find someone who will give you more guidance. In the meantime, here are a few things that have helped me with the inevitable aches and pains of living.
One thing I think about a lot is the concept of defense mechanisms. It sounds like you've been operating with certain set of defence mechanisms that included denying, escaping, or misplacing your emotions. Now you'd like to be healthier, which is great! But you can take away these mechanisms and not replace them with anything. When I'm going through painful emotional experiences I try to direct myself towards defence mechanisms that are generally considered "mature": acceptance, humor, gratitude, courage, etc. You'll notice that one of these "mature" mechanisms is suppression - essentially saving the emotion for later. This is helpful in the day-to-day functions of life. When these feelings arise when you're at work, for instance, you can say to yourself, "this is not a time I can properly address these emotions. I will focus on what's in front of me now and face these emotions later, when I can give them their due attention."
I don't know if this an issue for you or not, but I sometimes struggle with my own judgements or feelings about my feelings. This is the "second arrow" of emotional response. You have the first arrow of the pain itself, and then the second - maybe you're guilty that you feel sad when someone else is worse off, or feel angry at yourself for pushing these emotions away in the first place, or sadness that you can't just be happy right now. What I've discovered for myself is that the first arrow is unavoidable - you can't help how you feel. But the second is. When I'm able to let the feeling of pain or sadness or anxiety wash over me and resist the urge to judge or label or resist, the emotion passes more quickly and cleanly than it would otherwise. It doesn't spiral or amplify. It's true that sadness and pain are part of life and no living person can avoid them. But we can experience them more purely, without the attendant stress of self-judgement.
Finally, I've found it very helpful to ground myself in my body in periods of distress. There are many ways to do this, including meditation, yoga, dance, exercise, touch, breathing, bathing, and all manner of sensory mindfulness. I'm not at all mystical, but I think a lot of emotional pain lives in our bodies, and engaging with my body in a mindful way brings me a lot of relief. You mention a medical issue, so it's possible not all kinds of movement are available to you, but it might be helpful to find a way to be more in touch with the sensations of your body, especially as you describe your pain as having a physical manifestation.
I hope the answers here are helpful. Please be patient and gentle with yourself.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 1:17 PM on March 27, 2019 [18 favorites]
One thing I think about a lot is the concept of defense mechanisms. It sounds like you've been operating with certain set of defence mechanisms that included denying, escaping, or misplacing your emotions. Now you'd like to be healthier, which is great! But you can take away these mechanisms and not replace them with anything. When I'm going through painful emotional experiences I try to direct myself towards defence mechanisms that are generally considered "mature": acceptance, humor, gratitude, courage, etc. You'll notice that one of these "mature" mechanisms is suppression - essentially saving the emotion for later. This is helpful in the day-to-day functions of life. When these feelings arise when you're at work, for instance, you can say to yourself, "this is not a time I can properly address these emotions. I will focus on what's in front of me now and face these emotions later, when I can give them their due attention."
I don't know if this an issue for you or not, but I sometimes struggle with my own judgements or feelings about my feelings. This is the "second arrow" of emotional response. You have the first arrow of the pain itself, and then the second - maybe you're guilty that you feel sad when someone else is worse off, or feel angry at yourself for pushing these emotions away in the first place, or sadness that you can't just be happy right now. What I've discovered for myself is that the first arrow is unavoidable - you can't help how you feel. But the second is. When I'm able to let the feeling of pain or sadness or anxiety wash over me and resist the urge to judge or label or resist, the emotion passes more quickly and cleanly than it would otherwise. It doesn't spiral or amplify. It's true that sadness and pain are part of life and no living person can avoid them. But we can experience them more purely, without the attendant stress of self-judgement.
Finally, I've found it very helpful to ground myself in my body in periods of distress. There are many ways to do this, including meditation, yoga, dance, exercise, touch, breathing, bathing, and all manner of sensory mindfulness. I'm not at all mystical, but I think a lot of emotional pain lives in our bodies, and engaging with my body in a mindful way brings me a lot of relief. You mention a medical issue, so it's possible not all kinds of movement are available to you, but it might be helpful to find a way to be more in touch with the sensations of your body, especially as you describe your pain as having a physical manifestation.
I hope the answers here are helpful. Please be patient and gentle with yourself.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 1:17 PM on March 27, 2019 [18 favorites]
I think you would get a lot out of Al-Anon, so feel free to MeMail me if you want to learn any more about it or just want to connect with someone who's been there. Al-Anon is free and there's no such thing as too late.
THAT BEING SAID, one of the most important skills I learned there is what's referred to as "sitting in my discomfort." When terrible stuff happens to me and I can't stop thinking about it, my desire is to quiet the discomfort by any means necessary. I did this in lots of ways: drinking myself, escapist video games, shopping, obsessing over other people. It's a really common characteristic for those who have lived with and loved an alcoholic that discomfort is to be avoided at all costs. So what your therapist is telling you, that people just "tough it out," is not exactly true, but it's not untrue either. You don't have to tough it out, but you do have to come to an acceptance that discomfort is HUMAN and temporary. Learning to live with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and not have them control us is a skill, we're not born with it and living with/loving alcoholics breaks it for a lot of people. You can learn it again, or for the first time, with practice.
When you say you would prefer to just not feel anything, I really relate to that. It would make life much easier in some ways to just not have feelings, and there have been times where I would have traded away all my good ones just to make the bad ones stop. I learned in Al-Anon that feelings aren't facts, and that I don't have to let them control me. Instead, I can acknowledge a feeling I have, dedicate a set amount of time on considering where it is coming from and how it is serving me, and then agreeing it live with it until it passes.
posted by juniperesque at 1:19 PM on March 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
THAT BEING SAID, one of the most important skills I learned there is what's referred to as "sitting in my discomfort." When terrible stuff happens to me and I can't stop thinking about it, my desire is to quiet the discomfort by any means necessary. I did this in lots of ways: drinking myself, escapist video games, shopping, obsessing over other people. It's a really common characteristic for those who have lived with and loved an alcoholic that discomfort is to be avoided at all costs. So what your therapist is telling you, that people just "tough it out," is not exactly true, but it's not untrue either. You don't have to tough it out, but you do have to come to an acceptance that discomfort is HUMAN and temporary. Learning to live with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and not have them control us is a skill, we're not born with it and living with/loving alcoholics breaks it for a lot of people. You can learn it again, or for the first time, with practice.
When you say you would prefer to just not feel anything, I really relate to that. It would make life much easier in some ways to just not have feelings, and there have been times where I would have traded away all my good ones just to make the bad ones stop. I learned in Al-Anon that feelings aren't facts, and that I don't have to let them control me. Instead, I can acknowledge a feeling I have, dedicate a set amount of time on considering where it is coming from and how it is serving me, and then agreeing it live with it until it passes.
posted by juniperesque at 1:19 PM on March 27, 2019 [6 favorites]
The intensity of your emotional and physical response to this is not what I would consider common or normal. No one feeling like this should think they are expected to "tough it out". These intrusive thoughts are causing you distress. If you therapist is not taking this seriously, you need to find a new one.
As to why it's coming up so much now? Sometimes SSRIs just quit on you, per my psychiatrist. When that happens, you need to adjust dosage, or add another medication to get you back to where you were before. Sometimes a new med will turn things around. Sounds like you're experiencing higher anxiety as well, so make sure you're accounting for that in your choice of meds.
In the meantime, some people find that physical activity can help focus the mind away from distressing thoughts and feelings. If you are not a gym and weights kind of person, maybe dancing classes, hiking, biking, or whatever you find enjoyable and gets you to focus on your body and not your emotions. Even if you ruminate during the activity, you may find that tiring out your body will calm your mind down after you're done.
Meditation will also help, though it can be a slog at the beginning. You may find that it brings up a lot of frustration and annoyance. This is normal, expected, and in some way is kind of the point -- you learn to tolerate negative emotions and separate yourself from your thoughts so you don't define yourself by them. Then you apply those skills to your everyday life.
Best of luck. You can get through this. I promise.
posted by ananci at 1:22 PM on March 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
As to why it's coming up so much now? Sometimes SSRIs just quit on you, per my psychiatrist. When that happens, you need to adjust dosage, or add another medication to get you back to where you were before. Sometimes a new med will turn things around. Sounds like you're experiencing higher anxiety as well, so make sure you're accounting for that in your choice of meds.
In the meantime, some people find that physical activity can help focus the mind away from distressing thoughts and feelings. If you are not a gym and weights kind of person, maybe dancing classes, hiking, biking, or whatever you find enjoyable and gets you to focus on your body and not your emotions. Even if you ruminate during the activity, you may find that tiring out your body will calm your mind down after you're done.
Meditation will also help, though it can be a slog at the beginning. You may find that it brings up a lot of frustration and annoyance. This is normal, expected, and in some way is kind of the point -- you learn to tolerate negative emotions and separate yourself from your thoughts so you don't define yourself by them. Then you apply those skills to your everyday life.
Best of luck. You can get through this. I promise.
posted by ananci at 1:22 PM on March 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
Well, first off, I agree with folks above that your therapist doesn't sound super-empathetic. But if you are coming to them with the goal of Feeling More Feelings, they are probably wary of steering you toward new methods of Not Feeling Those Feelings, even if those methods are healthier than drinking or whatnot.
Yes, actually, a lot of people are feeling like this. It's less like, "everyone all day every day forever," and more like, "on any given day, yeah, a lot of people are feeling like this. Others are not." Does that make sense?
These feelings are painful to the point that I physically hurt. It's like I'm being crushed from the inside out, or like a bird is trying to claw its way out of my chest. They're a horrible distraction at work, and my social life is also taking a hit because I'm more awkward, rude, and withdrawn than usual.
As someone who is currently grieving pretty hard, this looks to me like basically, grief. And honestly, grieving people don't get a ton of stuff done. They do feel pretty terrible, and for the most part yeah, they don't get a lot of immediate relief from things meant as broader, more long-term self-care.
You are looking at these thoughts and situations intellectually as "old news" but because you have not ever permitted yourself to have actual feelings about them, your body and brain don't know they're old news. It's fresh grief.
Maybe approaching your therapist from the angle of "OK, I think what's happening is I'm finally grieving for all of these losses, and I need strategies for dealing with the grief" will get you more productive guidance.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:41 PM on March 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
Yes, actually, a lot of people are feeling like this. It's less like, "everyone all day every day forever," and more like, "on any given day, yeah, a lot of people are feeling like this. Others are not." Does that make sense?
These feelings are painful to the point that I physically hurt. It's like I'm being crushed from the inside out, or like a bird is trying to claw its way out of my chest. They're a horrible distraction at work, and my social life is also taking a hit because I'm more awkward, rude, and withdrawn than usual.
As someone who is currently grieving pretty hard, this looks to me like basically, grief. And honestly, grieving people don't get a ton of stuff done. They do feel pretty terrible, and for the most part yeah, they don't get a lot of immediate relief from things meant as broader, more long-term self-care.
You are looking at these thoughts and situations intellectually as "old news" but because you have not ever permitted yourself to have actual feelings about them, your body and brain don't know they're old news. It's fresh grief.
Maybe approaching your therapist from the angle of "OK, I think what's happening is I'm finally grieving for all of these losses, and I need strategies for dealing with the grief" will get you more productive guidance.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:41 PM on March 27, 2019 [5 favorites]
You may find the principles of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy useful, it seems like that has a lot of tools for coping with intense negative thoughts. I keep this page of distress tolerance skills handy, partially because it offers a lot of different options. Depending on the specific problem, what you're trying to do when the thoughts come for you, etc, different tools work better or worse.
Also, in total seriousness, when I'm having a hard time with my thoughts, I'll watch this clip from Steven Universe. (No show lore knowledge required; I've only just started watching the show myself, and haven't gotten anywhere near this far. A friend sent me the video because she thought it would help.) Sometimes I cry, and that's ok.
posted by epersonae at 4:31 PM on March 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
Also, in total seriousness, when I'm having a hard time with my thoughts, I'll watch this clip from Steven Universe. (No show lore knowledge required; I've only just started watching the show myself, and haven't gotten anywhere near this far. A friend sent me the video because she thought it would help.) Sometimes I cry, and that's ok.
posted by epersonae at 4:31 PM on March 27, 2019 [4 favorites]
I have been working with a great therapist who is really big on somatic stuff, which has been a learning curve for me as I have spent most of my life strenuously trying to deny that my feelings exist, have a physical component in the body, or should have any attention paid to them. She has me sit and feel, actually feel, difficult and intense emotions, that I would normally bury or distract myself from with any one of a variety of mostly-bad coping mechanisms.
Anyway, I'm still very much a novice at all of this (and I obviously DON'T LIKE feeling difficult feelings) but one of the techniques I have learned (which is infuriatingly, insultingly simple), is that when I am feeling these terrible feelings, and am now keenly aware (yay therapy) of exactly how terrible they feel in the body (I also get that thing-clawing-out-of-my-chest feeling), I redirect my focus to some other part of the body, one that feels fine or neutral, like my foot (assuming I'm not wearing terrible shoes), or my elbow, or whatever. I don't know how it works but the result for me is that I'm still present in my body, not disassociating or fleeing, but I'm also not utterly wracked with misery as I was before. It doesn't "cure" the bad feelings, but I guess I am slowly coming to accept that life is not about never experiencing bad feelings? Idk.
posted by Aubergine at 4:45 PM on March 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
Anyway, I'm still very much a novice at all of this (and I obviously DON'T LIKE feeling difficult feelings) but one of the techniques I have learned (which is infuriatingly, insultingly simple), is that when I am feeling these terrible feelings, and am now keenly aware (yay therapy) of exactly how terrible they feel in the body (I also get that thing-clawing-out-of-my-chest feeling), I redirect my focus to some other part of the body, one that feels fine or neutral, like my foot (assuming I'm not wearing terrible shoes), or my elbow, or whatever. I don't know how it works but the result for me is that I'm still present in my body, not disassociating or fleeing, but I'm also not utterly wracked with misery as I was before. It doesn't "cure" the bad feelings, but I guess I am slowly coming to accept that life is not about never experiencing bad feelings? Idk.
posted by Aubergine at 4:45 PM on March 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
In case nobody else says this, potentially controversial opinion: escapism is fine. Comfort is good. Not feeling things is sometimes fine. To suffer less is the goal, to be in less pain is the goal. In fact it was someone on metafilter who said "they don't give out medals for suffering". I think paradoxically by accepting you are allowed escape, that there is nothing inherently unhealthy or morally wrong about it, difficult things will become easier to bear. People who feel the way you are describe beat themselves up for eating too much cake when they deserve like seven cakes. Eat your cake, you know?
I agree with everyone saying no, this is not normal, no everyone does not feel this way all the time, yes change therapists because that is a horrible thing to say to a patient feeling what you describe, and yes different or more meds.
posted by colorblock sock at 6:17 PM on March 27, 2019 [8 favorites]
I agree with everyone saying no, this is not normal, no everyone does not feel this way all the time, yes change therapists because that is a horrible thing to say to a patient feeling what you describe, and yes different or more meds.
posted by colorblock sock at 6:17 PM on March 27, 2019 [8 favorites]
I strongly 100% recommend Al-Anon, if you live in a city big enough then go to the 6 different meetings they recommend, or just go to 6 however and wherever you can. Do everything else suggested to you above if it 'speaks to you' but the fact you mentioned 'active alcoholic' and your feelings...please go to Al-Anon, seriously. It will affect you in a different way then speaking to a therapist, and I think both will really help.
posted by bquarters at 7:18 PM on March 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by bquarters at 7:18 PM on March 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
Plus, being cut off from your feelings is not great for relationships, life fulfillment, making art, all that good stuff.
Exactly. Exactly. I love pondering stuff like this. Our pain as people is what connects us, thus, agreed - some way to connect with others, to have these feelings affirmed and made meaningful is important.
It sounds like what you are describing is sort of panic attacks but maybe not. When experiencing things like this, I find it poignant to at least stop and consider how many people feel and think the same things. And a walk can help, especially if it involves a little conversation with strangers or a chance to try something new.
For myself, I deal with it by cleaning up stuff - doing administrative tasks to calm and try to heal - by reaching out to others - and ultimately by setting some kind of curriculum to move forward, be it in philosophy, travel, relationships, practical skills, what have you. A little syllabus maybe of things to learn or do?
Also, just because emotional pain is common, that doesn't mean that it's deserved, normal, desirable, or final. That's my view on it. At the best of times, pain connects people meaningfully - that's why drama is so popular in film right. It's a challenge, it's not a flaw. Remember that!
posted by karmachameleon at 11:45 PM on March 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
Exactly. Exactly. I love pondering stuff like this. Our pain as people is what connects us, thus, agreed - some way to connect with others, to have these feelings affirmed and made meaningful is important.
It sounds like what you are describing is sort of panic attacks but maybe not. When experiencing things like this, I find it poignant to at least stop and consider how many people feel and think the same things. And a walk can help, especially if it involves a little conversation with strangers or a chance to try something new.
For myself, I deal with it by cleaning up stuff - doing administrative tasks to calm and try to heal - by reaching out to others - and ultimately by setting some kind of curriculum to move forward, be it in philosophy, travel, relationships, practical skills, what have you. A little syllabus maybe of things to learn or do?
Also, just because emotional pain is common, that doesn't mean that it's deserved, normal, desirable, or final. That's my view on it. At the best of times, pain connects people meaningfully - that's why drama is so popular in film right. It's a challenge, it's not a flaw. Remember that!
posted by karmachameleon at 11:45 PM on March 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
I have just been seeing a trauma therapist, specifically for this sort of childhood trauma that has bubbled up in adulthood, and I think it would vastly benefit you. It's a forum for looking at where these thoughts have come from and how to see them, and move past them. As you're finding you can't squash them down forever.
posted by london explorer girl at 3:04 AM on March 28, 2019
posted by london explorer girl at 3:04 AM on March 28, 2019
#CatsofTwitter always cheers me up.
posted by Carol Anne at 6:27 AM on March 28, 2019
posted by Carol Anne at 6:27 AM on March 28, 2019
I have found help in this area from Brooke Castillo, her podcast, and her program Self Coaching Scholars.
I would also second those above who suggested a new therapist.
posted by allison00 at 7:15 AM on March 28, 2019
I would also second those above who suggested a new therapist.
posted by allison00 at 7:15 AM on March 28, 2019
Best answer: I would definitely revisit with your therapist and consider a change.
That said, I have experienced this a few times in my life and I want to say, in general it does get better. I think of it like to survive childhood (or a bad experience), my very smart and adaptable brain chemistry created a dam against the emotions.
The problem is, the trickle of emotions that get through that kind of dam, do not allow for the full range of human experience that I would like to enjoy in my life - including really joyful feelings, deep connections and empathy, etc.
Sometimes you can gradually unblock the dam, but I think a lot of people do experience the time you're experiencing where something almost fundamental gives way, and All The Old Feelings come rushing through. But eventually, that subsides to something that is letting the regular flow through without the big lake or the little trickle.
So what can you do while it's happening besides seek better support? This is what generally works for me:
- exercise and movement for me are key, they help me spend adrenaline and even out my mood. FOR ME there are two things that work best. Running or similar sort of go-hard solitary activities where I can be crying and it's fine. OR a class led by someone else, so that I just do what they say to do and I don't have to expend any effort on what to do next. For me it's a bonus if I get to hit/kick things.
- singing karaoke alone at home dancing sometimes produces a similar effect to exercise
- be easy on myself for about a week or two, and then gradually rein that in. I watch comedies, YouTube clips of things that make me happy (for me this is stuff like American Ninja runs and Got Talen moments and stuff) and read books by beloved authors and try to eat healthy but also down a few bags of chips.
- seek out beauty...again this is pretty personal but for me this is walks in nature, good music, good art, so I hit some free galleries or openings and go down to the beach
- isolate...for me, I cannot feel my feelings that well around others except my partner. Some people are the reverse!
I don't meditate, it doesn't work for me - the closest for me is yoga.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:26 AM on March 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
That said, I have experienced this a few times in my life and I want to say, in general it does get better. I think of it like to survive childhood (or a bad experience), my very smart and adaptable brain chemistry created a dam against the emotions.
The problem is, the trickle of emotions that get through that kind of dam, do not allow for the full range of human experience that I would like to enjoy in my life - including really joyful feelings, deep connections and empathy, etc.
Sometimes you can gradually unblock the dam, but I think a lot of people do experience the time you're experiencing where something almost fundamental gives way, and All The Old Feelings come rushing through. But eventually, that subsides to something that is letting the regular flow through without the big lake or the little trickle.
So what can you do while it's happening besides seek better support? This is what generally works for me:
- exercise and movement for me are key, they help me spend adrenaline and even out my mood. FOR ME there are two things that work best. Running or similar sort of go-hard solitary activities where I can be crying and it's fine. OR a class led by someone else, so that I just do what they say to do and I don't have to expend any effort on what to do next. For me it's a bonus if I get to hit/kick things.
- singing karaoke alone at home dancing sometimes produces a similar effect to exercise
- be easy on myself for about a week or two, and then gradually rein that in. I watch comedies, YouTube clips of things that make me happy (for me this is stuff like American Ninja runs and Got Talen moments and stuff) and read books by beloved authors and try to eat healthy but also down a few bags of chips.
- seek out beauty...again this is pretty personal but for me this is walks in nature, good music, good art, so I hit some free galleries or openings and go down to the beach
- isolate...for me, I cannot feel my feelings that well around others except my partner. Some people are the reverse!
I don't meditate, it doesn't work for me - the closest for me is yoga.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:26 AM on March 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: When you grow up in an environment where feeling your truth is not safe, you learn to suppress or escape it.
And if you want to feel again, then what you describe is often a step on the journey. It means you are on the right track.
My father died suddenly when I was young and I shut down, then later in my life decided to try to feel things again and it was very intense and raw. I would explain it as everyone else got used to coping with their emotions over years. I had about 20 years there where I wasn't learning how, so I've got catching up to do. That may be part of what is happening for you as well. So no, it isn't normal, because growing up in the environment you did isn't normal.
The exercise on this page "Soften, Soothe and Allow" may help create a container around the emotion so you don't feel so overwhelmed by it.
posted by crunchy potato at 3:58 PM on March 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
And if you want to feel again, then what you describe is often a step on the journey. It means you are on the right track.
My father died suddenly when I was young and I shut down, then later in my life decided to try to feel things again and it was very intense and raw. I would explain it as everyone else got used to coping with their emotions over years. I had about 20 years there where I wasn't learning how, so I've got catching up to do. That may be part of what is happening for you as well. So no, it isn't normal, because growing up in the environment you did isn't normal.
The exercise on this page "Soften, Soothe and Allow" may help create a container around the emotion so you don't feel so overwhelmed by it.
posted by crunchy potato at 3:58 PM on March 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
So sorry you're experiencing intense and painful feelings and wishing you relief.
Agreed about considering either another go at communicating with your therapist you really need their help with this (!) or if that doesn't take, considering a therapist that's a better fit (and if it makes you feel any better in that it's "not you" or anything you've done or failed to do when asking for help, I've had similar met-with-shrugs encounters in therapeutic settings when I've brought this up asking for help in the past, alas).
Also seconding some of the very practical, concrete/physiological-minded tools DBT suggests for particularly these issues of feeling overwhelmed by distressing emotions--there's an entire module in Linehan's guidebooks devoted to emotional regulation (both in the heat of the moment as well as in terms of preparation for challenging contexts and overall laying out a lifestyle/plan that encourages manageable experience of emotions); some useful, vivid guided meditations with visualization expressly about identifying but not letting yourself be overcome by overwhelming feelings and inner judgments in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook; at least a couple DBT apps (last I checked anyway, it's been a while) with practical short exercises and reminder placards about what to do (the TIP etc. stuff mentioned above) when overwhelmed by (in the therapeutic parlance) "emotion mind". DBT is one of the only things so far that has helped me in a lasting way with this because indeed it offers straight up "do this thing now, or that" very down-to-earth, not-vague-or-abstract-or-"overthinking"-or-"de-bodied" practical advice you can actually put to use, in the moment (I am bewildered more therapy doesn't). I know with therapy stuff mileage varies, etc., but in case you haven't tried it I do recommend at least looking into some of the tools it offers, via book or app or asking your therapist about it.
And, not DBT but Sarah Peyton's Your Resonant Self, which includes guided meditations for self-compassion and witnessing your emotional difficulties with kindness and genuine understanding without judgment, might be of help.
posted by ifjuly at 11:40 AM on March 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
Agreed about considering either another go at communicating with your therapist you really need their help with this (!) or if that doesn't take, considering a therapist that's a better fit (and if it makes you feel any better in that it's "not you" or anything you've done or failed to do when asking for help, I've had similar met-with-shrugs encounters in therapeutic settings when I've brought this up asking for help in the past, alas).
Also seconding some of the very practical, concrete/physiological-minded tools DBT suggests for particularly these issues of feeling overwhelmed by distressing emotions--there's an entire module in Linehan's guidebooks devoted to emotional regulation (both in the heat of the moment as well as in terms of preparation for challenging contexts and overall laying out a lifestyle/plan that encourages manageable experience of emotions); some useful, vivid guided meditations with visualization expressly about identifying but not letting yourself be overcome by overwhelming feelings and inner judgments in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook; at least a couple DBT apps (last I checked anyway, it's been a while) with practical short exercises and reminder placards about what to do (the TIP etc. stuff mentioned above) when overwhelmed by (in the therapeutic parlance) "emotion mind". DBT is one of the only things so far that has helped me in a lasting way with this because indeed it offers straight up "do this thing now, or that" very down-to-earth, not-vague-or-abstract-or-"overthinking"-or-"de-bodied" practical advice you can actually put to use, in the moment (I am bewildered more therapy doesn't). I know with therapy stuff mileage varies, etc., but in case you haven't tried it I do recommend at least looking into some of the tools it offers, via book or app or asking your therapist about it.
And, not DBT but Sarah Peyton's Your Resonant Self, which includes guided meditations for self-compassion and witnessing your emotional difficulties with kindness and genuine understanding without judgment, might be of help.
posted by ifjuly at 11:40 AM on March 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
I've been able to reduce rumination by focusing in on the issue, recognizing that it's part of my life, and finding a way to accept it and integrate it into myself. Essentially I make up a story about it that goes, "That happened. It was very wrong and x should have prevented it. It had x effects on me. Now my life has moved forward, and it continues to affect me in x ways. If I'm able to let it go, some of these will be minimized."
Obviously this is not a one-day process. But having that script in my head and going back to it when I'm ruminating helps reduce how it affects me. Once it's lessened a bit, I often find it helpful to ritualistically say goodbye to it; writing it on a rock and throwing it off a mountain, for example. Rituals sound stupid to me but I still find them useful.
posted by metasarah at 6:50 AM on April 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Obviously this is not a one-day process. But having that script in my head and going back to it when I'm ruminating helps reduce how it affects me. Once it's lessened a bit, I often find it helpful to ritualistically say goodbye to it; writing it on a rock and throwing it off a mountain, for example. Rituals sound stupid to me but I still find them useful.
posted by metasarah at 6:50 AM on April 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Sharon Salzburg has a guided meditation in her book/CD "Real Happiness" that is only 15 min long, and guides you through the process of meditating on emotions: difficult emotions, painful emotions, scary emotions.... by practicing meditation *on* your emotions, they will eventually lose their control over your difficult psychophysiological responses. You don't become numb, but rather more skillful and compassionate towards yourself and how things make you feel.
Jon Kabat-Zinn has said of meditation: you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. That's exactly right.
From my own personal journey: I come from a family with very high rates of depression and anxiety, and many of my family members have struggled with a myriad of ways to cope, good and bad: therapy, medication, self-medicating, alcoholism, and more. I take medication for my anxiety, but I've never felt more equipped to handle and process emotions than I do now, and I've been meditating daily for about 15 min a day for 2 years. It has changed my life for the better, and it works faster (for me) than any medication has, including Ativan for panic attacks. Meditation has been nothing short of a miracle for me personally.
And I was someone who really valued my emotional acuity and my emotional intelligence... so I was really worried about deadening something that I had felt was an asset.... BUT, meditation doesn't deaden your emotions, it enriches them and contextualizes them in a way that will help you to heal outside of them. Memail me if you have questions!
posted by Dressed to Kill at 12:06 PM on March 27, 2019 [6 favorites]