People with a lot of thoughts and feelings, who do you talk to?
March 22, 2019 8:03 PM Subscribe
I feel like I self-censor a lot. Talking helps, but I feel like there's such an abundance of thoughts and feelings that it's weird to dump it onto others..
Stories / tips would be very helpful! Thank you. I already do some journalling and talking to myself, but this part of life is frustrating - wanting to express something and never getting the reaction and understsanding you want.
Stories / tips would be very helpful! Thank you. I already do some journalling and talking to myself, but this part of life is frustrating - wanting to express something and never getting the reaction and understsanding you want.
No one. That's why there's blues albums.
posted by KazamaSmokers at 8:32 PM on March 22, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by KazamaSmokers at 8:32 PM on March 22, 2019 [13 favorites]
this part of life is frustrating
Yep.
I think a valid strategy is splitting up into different topics. Eg I have one friend who likes to talk about parenting stuff, another friend who gets my crazy rants about politics, one is really into crafts/creative projects, and my partner gets a lot (although not all) of more personal issues. Some issues/topics I only discuss online.
It would be great to have friends who ‚get‘ me on all levels, but that’s never been the case for me.
posted by The Toad at 9:10 PM on March 22, 2019 [7 favorites]
Yep.
I think a valid strategy is splitting up into different topics. Eg I have one friend who likes to talk about parenting stuff, another friend who gets my crazy rants about politics, one is really into crafts/creative projects, and my partner gets a lot (although not all) of more personal issues. Some issues/topics I only discuss online.
It would be great to have friends who ‚get‘ me on all levels, but that’s never been the case for me.
posted by The Toad at 9:10 PM on March 22, 2019 [7 favorites]
I agree with The Toad. You need to split it up so all parts of you are being expressed. It's probably a good idea to find an art form to express yourself through like lyric or poetry writing. Also stand-up comedy. If you want an audience for those expressions you can find a way towards one via that art. The people who follow you are the people who will understand that aspect of you. Not all of you but that part.
Unless you clone yourself you will not find anyone else who has a 100% understanding of who you are. It's not possible. Everyone has such unique and particular experiences and feelings. You just need to make sure the important bits get heard (and you need to firstly identify what those are).
I'm not sure if you're saying that you don't know how to communicate these parts of yourself or that you do but people just don't get you?
If you're looking for people as in friends who get you then that's tougher. I don't think any of my friends understand me on every level but I spend little time with them any way. Every so often I meet someone who as they say "gets it" but there is no guarantee of a friendship there. If you're committed to this then I would treat looking for these people as you would looking for a partner. It's a numbers game and you have to put yourself out there. Not just physically but your character. You need to make sure that you are able to express what you want to say so that you can be heard by the other person. Having things festering inside you that have no voice or don't come out right is only going to result in more of the same. Maybe study well known people who do express what you feel and see how they do it.
Everyone is more than just small talk. It's about how you get them to open up by doing the same. If there is a Sam Kinnison inside you bursting to get out then just be that and maybe 99 people will be repulsed but one person will connect and you have to decide if it's worth it. Right now i'm thinking it might be. With the right people in the right environment you won't be "dumping" on them but exchanging experiences.
But yes some people are really NORMAL and I feel like I fell out of the sky in their company.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 11:05 PM on March 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
Unless you clone yourself you will not find anyone else who has a 100% understanding of who you are. It's not possible. Everyone has such unique and particular experiences and feelings. You just need to make sure the important bits get heard (and you need to firstly identify what those are).
I'm not sure if you're saying that you don't know how to communicate these parts of yourself or that you do but people just don't get you?
If you're looking for people as in friends who get you then that's tougher. I don't think any of my friends understand me on every level but I spend little time with them any way. Every so often I meet someone who as they say "gets it" but there is no guarantee of a friendship there. If you're committed to this then I would treat looking for these people as you would looking for a partner. It's a numbers game and you have to put yourself out there. Not just physically but your character. You need to make sure that you are able to express what you want to say so that you can be heard by the other person. Having things festering inside you that have no voice or don't come out right is only going to result in more of the same. Maybe study well known people who do express what you feel and see how they do it.
Everyone is more than just small talk. It's about how you get them to open up by doing the same. If there is a Sam Kinnison inside you bursting to get out then just be that and maybe 99 people will be repulsed but one person will connect and you have to decide if it's worth it. Right now i'm thinking it might be. With the right people in the right environment you won't be "dumping" on them but exchanging experiences.
But yes some people are really NORMAL and I feel like I fell out of the sky in their company.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 11:05 PM on March 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
Maybe it's useful to separate out "processing" and "sharing." I can spend months or years processing an idea, chewing on it, sorting out how I feel about it, connecting those feelings to other feelings I have about other things, trying on different theories about why I feel the way I do. But at any stage in that process, there's probably a sound-bite version I can share: "Oh, X? Yeah, I feel like since 2017 I've been thinking a lot about how X and Y fit together, and I feel like for me maybe the connection is Z."
If it's processing you want to do, the secret is finding people who are nerdy about similar things in similar ways. Most people don't want to hear me talk-talk-talk myself through the stages of grief about climate change. My one friend with a pessimistic streak and a love of apocalyptic feminist sci-fi will listen to it pretty much endlessly, and will share a bunch of their thoughts on the subject right back. It's a thing we're both actively processing, and processing in similarly verbose and overintellectualize-y ways, so we both get something out of the conversation. And I have a few other like-minded or interestingly-differently-minded friends who want to chat about it occasionally, and a journal I write in, and articles I read, and MetaFilter, and between all of them I get done the processing I need to get done.
(But yeah, like others are saying, with most people you'll only be able to have that kind of mutually beneficial processing on a few subjects. The friend I discuss climate change with is a really good friend, and we've got a few other shared subjects — health care, abusive family dynamics, Central America. But for religion and foreign languages I have a different friend. For parenting and gardening I have a different friend. I don't have anyone to process with right now about cooking, making art, or shopping for clothes, and that's super annoying.)
If it's sharing you want to do, there isn't even as much of a secret — just work up the nerve and do it. If you've done some processing and figured out where you stand right this moment, and gotten yourself a two-sentence summary? Then the next time the topic comes up, I hereby grant you permission to drop those two sentences into the conversation.
And then, like, there's a lot of different things that could happen. People could blink and change the subject. People could disagree or get weird about it. Someone could be interested and contrast their experiences with yours. Someone could be fascinated and you spend the next four hours discussing it in detail. (That's where you get new processing buddies from — old sharing buddies who got more excited about the subject than you expected.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:32 AM on March 23, 2019 [5 favorites]
If it's processing you want to do, the secret is finding people who are nerdy about similar things in similar ways. Most people don't want to hear me talk-talk-talk myself through the stages of grief about climate change. My one friend with a pessimistic streak and a love of apocalyptic feminist sci-fi will listen to it pretty much endlessly, and will share a bunch of their thoughts on the subject right back. It's a thing we're both actively processing, and processing in similarly verbose and overintellectualize-y ways, so we both get something out of the conversation. And I have a few other like-minded or interestingly-differently-minded friends who want to chat about it occasionally, and a journal I write in, and articles I read, and MetaFilter, and between all of them I get done the processing I need to get done.
(But yeah, like others are saying, with most people you'll only be able to have that kind of mutually beneficial processing on a few subjects. The friend I discuss climate change with is a really good friend, and we've got a few other shared subjects — health care, abusive family dynamics, Central America. But for religion and foreign languages I have a different friend. For parenting and gardening I have a different friend. I don't have anyone to process with right now about cooking, making art, or shopping for clothes, and that's super annoying.)
If it's sharing you want to do, there isn't even as much of a secret — just work up the nerve and do it. If you've done some processing and figured out where you stand right this moment, and gotten yourself a two-sentence summary? Then the next time the topic comes up, I hereby grant you permission to drop those two sentences into the conversation.
And then, like, there's a lot of different things that could happen. People could blink and change the subject. People could disagree or get weird about it. Someone could be interested and contrast their experiences with yours. Someone could be fascinated and you spend the next four hours discussing it in detail. (That's where you get new processing buddies from — old sharing buddies who got more excited about the subject than you expected.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:32 AM on March 23, 2019 [5 favorites]
I do some journaling on dreamwidth (used to have a livejournal account but moved it to DW) and a small private online forum run by a friend. And I have a friends list on FB specifically for sharing stuff I don't want to share with my entire feed, but lately I'm less trusting of those filters).
The beauty of this is that I can post a large volume of text and people can respond in their own time as they like, though since FB took over other my online spaces are less active and therefore somewhat less satisfying.
Otherwise, I share bits here and there with different friends. It helps me to make a concerted effort at maintaining my friendships so - regular phone calls or emails for long-distance friends, regular hangouts with local friends.
And when I have something really big on my mind that needs to get out but is too much to load onto a friend, I schedule a therapy appointment. I'm also a member of a church so sometimes when it's relevant I might talk to one of the ministry staff.
posted by bunderful at 5:45 AM on March 23, 2019
The beauty of this is that I can post a large volume of text and people can respond in their own time as they like, though since FB took over other my online spaces are less active and therefore somewhat less satisfying.
Otherwise, I share bits here and there with different friends. It helps me to make a concerted effort at maintaining my friendships so - regular phone calls or emails for long-distance friends, regular hangouts with local friends.
And when I have something really big on my mind that needs to get out but is too much to load onto a friend, I schedule a therapy appointment. I'm also a member of a church so sometimes when it's relevant I might talk to one of the ministry staff.
posted by bunderful at 5:45 AM on March 23, 2019
Another idea - maybe flip it on its head, and seek to understand others? Learn the art of deep listening. You know feelings, you know ideas, now try to actively understand and hear and deeply listen to others. Through hearing them, you will see yourself; over time this will open a connection through which you can share of yourself.
I also found book clubs and discussion groups handy for this purpose.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:47 AM on March 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
I also found book clubs and discussion groups handy for this purpose.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:47 AM on March 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
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posted by kellyblah at 8:22 PM on March 22, 2019 [1 favorite]