Brevity.
March 20, 2019 9:04 AM Subscribe
I am a concise writer, but a rambling talker. I have some meetings coming up where I'd particularly like to be concise in my speech. If you were a rambler, how did you tame your tongue?
I'm happy to blather anywhere, but at work I am a subject matter expert in a key (but complex) area and am particularly apt to ramble on conference calls. It's not that I would monopolize a call per se; rather, it's that I'd never say "Have you considered XYZ?"--it would end up "Have you considered XYZ? We had an XYZ issue on a prior project and it was problematic. Not fatal, of course, but it required additional planning and ongoing support that..."
If I affirmatively concentrate when talking, I can get the results I want, but it is almost a physical struggle. It's like I'm trying to keep my story straight in a police interrogation.
What helps you stop your rambling? Coming to peace with the intervening silences? Jotting down speaking points in advance for the whole call/presentation (or jotting down notes as you wait to speak next)?
FWIW, I'm generally an introvert, but have no particular anxiety over speaking, in large or small groups.
I'm happy to blather anywhere, but at work I am a subject matter expert in a key (but complex) area and am particularly apt to ramble on conference calls. It's not that I would monopolize a call per se; rather, it's that I'd never say "Have you considered XYZ?"--it would end up "Have you considered XYZ? We had an XYZ issue on a prior project and it was problematic. Not fatal, of course, but it required additional planning and ongoing support that..."
If I affirmatively concentrate when talking, I can get the results I want, but it is almost a physical struggle. It's like I'm trying to keep my story straight in a police interrogation.
What helps you stop your rambling? Coming to peace with the intervening silences? Jotting down speaking points in advance for the whole call/presentation (or jotting down notes as you wait to speak next)?
FWIW, I'm generally an introvert, but have no particular anxiety over speaking, in large or small groups.
I keep in mind how much I dislike it when other people talk too much, and how very appealing I find "good listeners", and I try to model my behavior on those principles.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:28 AM on March 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:28 AM on March 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
Slow down the physical act of speaking.
posted by rhizome at 9:29 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 9:29 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
It took time for me to learn to stop talking when I'm finished. I trained myself by writing down exactly what I wanted to say in phone interviews (and a couple of meetings, but mostly phone) and then actually stopping once I had said it. I have looked for work a few times in the last several years (with success, woo hoo) and so once I'd practiced this with notes during that period, it stuck - my brain started noticing the point at which it should say to itself, "shut the mouth".
posted by wellred at 9:32 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by wellred at 9:32 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
I tend to repeat myself a lot, which is not quite the same problem, but might have a similar solution.
This seems counterintuitive but, instead of making notes first, I think about what I want to say before I say it, and then I make very short notes of what I have said as I am speaking. Once I have written down the things I wanted to say it is time to stop talking.
So, someone might say "Does anyone have any thoughts on the XYZ?" and I'll think to myself "We need to remember the ABC, because if we don't, DEF happens." And then when I get a chance to speak, I might say "We must ABC to avoid DEFing which is what happens when we don't ABC, because not ABCing results in DEFing, which is why ABCing is so important to avoid DEFing."
But if, instead, I make little notes to myself, it goes more like this: "We should put some time to ABC into the project plan, because without it, we may end up with DEF." At that point, ABC and DEF are both written down, so it is time for me to stop talking.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:59 AM on March 20, 2019
This seems counterintuitive but, instead of making notes first, I think about what I want to say before I say it, and then I make very short notes of what I have said as I am speaking. Once I have written down the things I wanted to say it is time to stop talking.
So, someone might say "Does anyone have any thoughts on the XYZ?" and I'll think to myself "We need to remember the ABC, because if we don't, DEF happens." And then when I get a chance to speak, I might say "We must ABC to avoid DEFing which is what happens when we don't ABC, because not ABCing results in DEFing, which is why ABCing is so important to avoid DEFing."
But if, instead, I make little notes to myself, it goes more like this: "We should put some time to ABC into the project plan, because without it, we may end up with DEF." At that point, ABC and DEF are both written down, so it is time for me to stop talking.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:59 AM on March 20, 2019
I write a script, and then do a dry run in an empty room. I try and organize slides (if I'm doing that type of thing) as prompts for me in my talk and then I don't need to refer to notes.
"Have you considered XYZ? l o n g drawn out pause\silence. Again try dry-running this to get comfortable. I've learned my audience doesn't mind a gap. Many of my talks are more discussion than pure presentation, usually 8-30 people.
posted by unearthed at 10:01 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
"Have you considered XYZ? l o n g drawn out pause\silence. Again try dry-running this to get comfortable. I've learned my audience doesn't mind a gap. Many of my talks are more discussion than pure presentation, usually 8-30 people.
posted by unearthed at 10:01 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Remember to breathe to get the oxygen you need, when rising stress, raises the need for it. Instead of talking more after you have tenatively stated your case, allow a response time and actively breathe while you listen. This ties up the autonomous need for breath, that turns into over speeking. This is subtle, not panting, and assume a very relaxed body posture, this reassures you, the whole process leaves you in charge and responsible, for the relaxed, "you" presentation.
posted by Oyéah at 10:06 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Oyéah at 10:06 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Jotting down speaking points in advance for the whole call/presentation (or jotting down notes as you wait to speak next)?
Yes to both of these! I think the more you plan ahead, the easier it is to keep to your "script" and speak in a more measured way.
posted by capricorn at 10:09 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Yes to both of these! I think the more you plan ahead, the easier it is to keep to your "script" and speak in a more measured way.
posted by capricorn at 10:09 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Coming to peace with the intervening silences?
I think this is a big one. In my experience, people who ramble on conference calls seem freaked out by the lack of nonverbal communication and start making assumptions that silence means "Everyone's confused" rather than just "People are giving it a beat to make sure I'm done talking, since they can't see my nonverbal cues either."
posted by lazuli at 10:20 AM on March 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
I think this is a big one. In my experience, people who ramble on conference calls seem freaked out by the lack of nonverbal communication and start making assumptions that silence means "Everyone's confused" rather than just "People are giving it a beat to make sure I'm done talking, since they can't see my nonverbal cues either."
posted by lazuli at 10:20 AM on March 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
Reiterating write it down before hand (that’s one of the reasons agendas for meetings go outbefore the meeting: so people can be prepared to speak briefly). Get comfortable with silence
Two others:
Ask questions
Give other people (especially women and people of color) credit for ideas you are building on.
posted by bilabial at 10:49 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Two others:
Ask questions
Give other people (especially women and people of color) credit for ideas you are building on.
posted by bilabial at 10:49 AM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Jotting down notes as you wait to speak is helpful. It's kind of a mini-outline, and I'm always in favor of structuring any form of written or oral communication as much as possible. Just don't forget to listen while you write.
From your examples, it would probably be helpful to just pause between sentences. "Have you considered XYZ?" Stop and count to three. "We had an XYZ issue on a prior project and it was problematic." Count to three again. "Not fatal, of course, but it required additional planning and ongoing support that..." Each pause allows for others to break in without interrupting you. If nobody speaks up, you're free to keep going.
One thing I do a lot is to punctuate long sentences with something to the effect of "was that clear?". Often, the answer is yes, and the listener expects you to go on speaking, but this way it doesn't feel like you're monopolizing.
posted by kevinbelt at 11:14 AM on March 20, 2019
From your examples, it would probably be helpful to just pause between sentences. "Have you considered XYZ?" Stop and count to three. "We had an XYZ issue on a prior project and it was problematic." Count to three again. "Not fatal, of course, but it required additional planning and ongoing support that..." Each pause allows for others to break in without interrupting you. If nobody speaks up, you're free to keep going.
One thing I do a lot is to punctuate long sentences with something to the effect of "was that clear?". Often, the answer is yes, and the listener expects you to go on speaking, but this way it doesn't feel like you're monopolizing.
posted by kevinbelt at 11:14 AM on March 20, 2019
Listening to understand, rather than listening to respond.
I am like you too. I tend to blather on on things that fascinate me; thinking that others are as into it as I am. I too am an introvert and compensate in presence of others. I have been told that I can be a bore sometimes. So now instead of listening to figure out what I am going to say when I get a chance to get a word in; I just listen to understand why that person is telling me whatever they are telling me and NOT RESPOND. Unless they ask me a question or ask for a response.
posted by indianbadger1 at 12:06 PM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
I am like you too. I tend to blather on on things that fascinate me; thinking that others are as into it as I am. I too am an introvert and compensate in presence of others. I have been told that I can be a bore sometimes. So now instead of listening to figure out what I am going to say when I get a chance to get a word in; I just listen to understand why that person is telling me whatever they are telling me and NOT RESPOND. Unless they ask me a question or ask for a response.
posted by indianbadger1 at 12:06 PM on March 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Everyone has different things that help them with this. For me the thing that helps is math. If it's conversation among equals, I divide the time we have for the meeting by the number of people at the meeting and that is about how much time i should be speaking, total. I also try to count to two at the end of sentences to give people who may be more reticent time to compose thoughts into words. For some people it helps to know that this is a gendered thing. Men tend to do it more. White men do it almost tot he point of absurdity. So maybe wanting to avoid that would be a motivator.
posted by jessamyn at 1:50 PM on March 20, 2019
posted by jessamyn at 1:50 PM on March 20, 2019
I am a prattler in general, but manage to curtail much of it when speaking publicly or at meetings.
Yes mini-outline. Also yes, consciously pause between sentences. Some people talk too slowly, but it doesn't sound like that's the case with you.
posted by aspersioncast at 2:12 PM on March 20, 2019
Yes mini-outline. Also yes, consciously pause between sentences. Some people talk too slowly, but it doesn't sound like that's the case with you.
posted by aspersioncast at 2:12 PM on March 20, 2019
We've recently switched to video conferencing at work, and I think being able to read body language and visual cues from the others on the call has made us all (well, all but one of us) more aware when we've reached the end of their interest in our topics.
Occasionally, too, our manager will private message to say "wrap it up" - sometimes to keep us on schedule and other times because she sees that others are drifting. Do you have a trusted colleague whom you could ask to give you a similar poke?
posted by Sweetie Darling at 4:31 PM on March 20, 2019
Occasionally, too, our manager will private message to say "wrap it up" - sometimes to keep us on schedule and other times because she sees that others are drifting. Do you have a trusted colleague whom you could ask to give you a similar poke?
posted by Sweetie Darling at 4:31 PM on March 20, 2019
Ask questions, listen to their response to get the correct information, and then do a targeted answer. Any other information is extraneous, unless they ask for it. This has been the most fool proof technique I've developed and it's resulted in me being able to give 35 stellar 3-minute critiques for 3 hours, due to how much I've honed it.
posted by yueliang at 2:36 AM on March 21, 2019
posted by yueliang at 2:36 AM on March 21, 2019
The question for me is whether the context/nuance/detail is relevant right then and needed by the interlocutor. If I don’t pause to think about that, I end up explaining too much, ironically adding lots of information to justify bringing something up in the first place. Or repeat myself because I didn’t get the sense that they understood the relevance and I rephrase and explain from different angles, when actually they might just disagree about the relevance.
One people dichotomy I’ve run into repeatedly is that some people want to be spared extra information if it’s not clear it’s relevant for them, and others want to get the information and decide themselves if it’s relevant. I belong to the second group and get annoyed when people are economical in what they tell me because I now have to make an extra effort to interpret short statements and pick the most likely from several possible interpretations to ask the best follow-up questions to find out about to-me relevant context and details. Getting this information when it’s not given initially is much more exhausting than ignoring irrelevant information (or e-mails) for me. For example, I think I would actually appreciate hearing about your concern and experience with XYZ and wouldn’t consider it blathering if XYZ is relevant to our conversation. But I’ve come to realize that others can have different preferences and try to assess this from their perspective, send a trial balloon first, and see if they’re interested in hearing more.
This very response could be perceived as either appropriate or blathering, depending on whether you’re from an on-a-need-to-know-basis or a bring-it-on communication culture or whatever the ask/guess analogy would be.
posted by meijusa at 4:40 AM on March 21, 2019
One people dichotomy I’ve run into repeatedly is that some people want to be spared extra information if it’s not clear it’s relevant for them, and others want to get the information and decide themselves if it’s relevant. I belong to the second group and get annoyed when people are economical in what they tell me because I now have to make an extra effort to interpret short statements and pick the most likely from several possible interpretations to ask the best follow-up questions to find out about to-me relevant context and details. Getting this information when it’s not given initially is much more exhausting than ignoring irrelevant information (or e-mails) for me. For example, I think I would actually appreciate hearing about your concern and experience with XYZ and wouldn’t consider it blathering if XYZ is relevant to our conversation. But I’ve come to realize that others can have different preferences and try to assess this from their perspective, send a trial balloon first, and see if they’re interested in hearing more.
This very response could be perceived as either appropriate or blathering, depending on whether you’re from an on-a-need-to-know-basis or a bring-it-on communication culture or whatever the ask/guess analogy would be.
posted by meijusa at 4:40 AM on March 21, 2019
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Centering myself helps. I'm more likely to rattle on if I'm anxious, flustered, or unfocused.
Also, in meetings I try to be cognizant of whether I'm about to take up meeting time on something that the whole group needs to be in on, or if it's better to suggest following up separately.
posted by bunderful at 9:14 AM on March 20, 2019 [2 favorites]