Should I go to the wedding ?
March 16, 2019 2:10 PM   Subscribe

The bride had a problem with me, should I still go?

208.12 My boyfriend went back to his own country to pursue his family business.

Since he made it clear to me that he wants his career on first priority. The communication between us has reduced to twice per month.

Tomorrow, He will be in Canada for 2 weeks to attend his cousin's(female) wedding, his family also made a customized dress for me 2 months ago.

But since yesterday, I felt so heavy in my heart, and my mind it's blocking myself to think.

Back in 2018:
I used to visit his cousin's house where he lives while in Canada because I only had a room. As soon as I felt his grandma had a big problem on me, I tried really hard moved out to a place where he can visit me.

But the same day when I signed the lease with my new place, his cousin, by directing texted me, banned me from their house.
Since then I never visit his place nor talked to his cousin's family.

2 months ago, his mom told me she bought material and will make a dress for me for the wedding, I really wanted to be with him at that time, so I give her my measurement.

Back to 2019:
I've been trying to calmly accept the fact he will never back to Canada and trying really hard to make peace with myself.

Today I thought about the wedding, all I can feel it's awkward and confuses. I don't know his family, I don't want to kiss somebody's ass while knowing they don't like me. But I felt bad to say no to his mom after she already made the dress.
I am happy for him to have a career, I am happy I start focusing on my life, my parents.

But I resent the powerless feeling that I can't the better my situation with him.
I resent the confusion. I am not excited that he is back, all I can think about it's he will leave again.

I don't know if going through long distance relationship can test out true love, or find out one's true self.

I asked the question to colleagues, they told me I should go, for fun, like a 1-day trip.

Should I go to the wedding?
posted by dadaxiang1204 to Human Relations (20 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
The wedding is for the same cousin who directly banned you from her home? No, don't go to that wedding. Even if they were different people I'd still say don't go - this is a bunch of people who have made it clear that they are not your friends. Basically you'd be doing this to make a dress happy and that's crazy. And also, this relationship sounds over from how you describe it. This doesn't sound like one of those "difficult circumstances prove true love" movies to me. It sounds like the bad relationship that ends halfway through the movie so you can meet the right guy.
posted by bleep at 2:24 PM on March 16, 2019 [37 favorites]

Reading between the lines, it sounds like it is time to tell this guy that the long distance relationship that he is offering doesn't work for you and it is time to move on. Long distance relationships can work, but it sounds like this has drifted down to just the occasional communication and you are certainly not excited to seeing him again at this wedding. Again, maybe for someone else this could be just a fun one day trip, even if the relationship was heading nowhere, but it sounds like it would be miserable for you and there is no reason to make yourself miserable just to avoid upsetting people who are not going to part of your long-term future.

My advice, consider seriously if you need to break up officially and then let your boyfriend explain why you aren't coming.

If you don't have the nerve to do that, it is OK make up an excuse. Yes, they made you a dress - you shouldn't just back out on a whim. But you also didn't know at the time that your relationship with their son/cousin was falling apart. And, maybe, they were inviting you because they had to and they will be relieved that they don't have to face you either.
posted by metahawk at 2:28 PM on March 16, 2019 [5 favorites]

I realize I was typing in anger and grieve so just to make things clear:

His cousin asked me to not stay overnight if coming (I take it as you are not welcome.)
The cousin is the bride.
MY bf is a nice person.
I don't know if she invited me, or just my bf's mom invited me.
posted by dadaxiang1204 at 2:30 PM on March 16, 2019

Ok that is a little different (there are a lot of reasons why someone wouldn't want an overnight guest besides disliking the person) but I'd still say don't go just because this relationship doesn't sound worth trying to save it and it just sounds like a bad time all around.
posted by bleep at 2:35 PM on March 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

Thank you for the input, I really appreciate them, I apologize if I sound contradict to myself.

He asked me if I want to break-up, but I couldn't find a valid reason to break up.

I am a very clingy person when comes to a relationship, until physically impossible. I thought this period of time apart from him can be a good way to train myself to have more discipline.

He is very true to me, I believe he is extremely busy.

Right now, I don't know what I want, I don't know what's good for me for my current stage, I feel bored when he's not close.
posted by dadaxiang1204 at 2:50 PM on March 16, 2019

I think that the answer might depend on whether he actually really still describes himself to you as your loving boyfriend, whether he has said that he is excited to see you, and whether he has asked you to go to the wedding with him. You haven't mentioned any of that, so I am guessing that he has not said "Oh I can't wait to see you!" and I am guessing that he has not done anything to plan on spending much time with you. If my guess is right, then I think it would be sad and awful to go to the wedding.
posted by sheldman at 2:57 PM on March 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

Sounds like you have to decide this by tomorrow. I'd say, if you aren't ready to break up yet, then go. Worst case, it's a terrible day. Best case, you get more clarity on what you want with your BF. Either way you get to see him. I think not going is likely to be the end of your relationship.

Going to your partner's family events (funerals, weddings) is never super fun, so skipping them just because you don't feel all that close to the bride or whatever doesn't make sense. Still, if you'd asked this three months ago I'd have said "sure, make up a good excuse to not go." But it's super rude to back out of a wedding this late, not even considering the dress. There's the cost of food and the fact that they might've been able to fit in another guest if you'd told them sooner. If you want to keep the door open on this relationship and not be super rude to his family, I'd go.

It sounds to me like this relationship isn't going to last and that you're talking yourself out of knowing that. But given that you're not ready to call it off yet, yeah, try to make the best of it.
posted by salvia at 3:21 PM on March 16, 2019 [7 favorites]

It sounds like you're inventing problems and catastrophising. Saying you can't stay over at their house if you're coming to the wedding is not the same as having a problem with you or banning you from their house. Maybe they have other guests staying over or maybe they just want to be alone in their house on their wedding night. There could be many reasons why you can't stay over. If I'm understanding your timeline you've been avoiding going to their home, when you used to go there regularly because they said you couldn't stay over for the wedding.

The bigger issue seems to be your luke warm feelings about your relationship, maybe seeing him in person would help you clarify how you feel. It would be somewhat rude to no-show at the wedding, especially as your bfs mum has made you a dress for the occassion.

I say, suck it up and go. Then after the wedding have a serious discussion about your future with the bf. If he's permanently relocated to another country, ultimately you have to join him there or split up.
posted by missmagenta at 3:29 PM on March 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

What if you don't think about yourself as clingy and in need of disciplining yourself out of wanting to be close to your boyfriend?

What if you think instead 'I am someone who needs a lot of closeness in their intimate relationship, who needs a lot of affirmation and reciprocity, and who needs to feel like they are number one for their partner'?

Because you could accept this about yourself and realize that your current boyfriend, who prioritizes his career to the point of living elsewhere and being in touch twice a month, is not the guy for you, regardless of whether his mum made a dress for you.

I would go to the wedding - or not - depending on whether you see your relationship with your boyfriend surviving. Frankly, with you guys in different countries, sporadic contact, and his passivity when he is in the same country as you (like - if you had not moved to your own place so the two of you could spend your nights together, it sounds he woulnd't have done much), I don't see your relationship lasting much longer, and also I don't think it should - he sounds bad for you.

So, personally, i wouldn't put myself through the grief of an awful day at the wedding. I'd do soething nice for myself instead and think really hard about how much more energy I want to spend on a relationship that seems doomed.
posted by doggod at 5:16 PM on March 16, 2019 [6 favorites]

Thank you all for the input.

I came to this country and was alone since I was 19, I don't really know what is a good relationship, so I guess my problem now it's I am still guessing is this a good relationship.

As for the wedding, the cousin/bride warned me not to stay overnight was in 2018.6 because her grandma was very conservative and think we are having sex. She has all the rights to ban me that's why I find a place so fast, and it's my fault to let her feel uncomfortable in her own house.

That's why I didn't want to go, I feel uncertain with this relationship and guilty towards her and her grandma to experiences bad feelings
posted by dadaxiang1204 at 6:09 PM on March 16, 2019

I would go because I think you will find clarity through how everyone acts and behaves towards you and each other. I think by attending you will find your answer about the relationship.
posted by AugustWest at 6:30 PM on March 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

So the cousin told you you cannot spend the night because of conservative grandma. That's not the same as being banned (banned implies forever). If all other signals are that you should go (boyfriend says go, his mom had a dress made for you).

If the bride literally banned you from her house... Like you are forever not allowed to step foot in it, I would assume you are not welcome at the wedding.
Offer to pay his mom for the custom dress.


If you don't want a long distance relationship where you speak twice a month (I wouldn't), break up with him.
posted by k8t at 6:46 PM on March 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

If you are even considering at all continuing your relationship with him go. If you want him in your life in the future and don't want him holding this against you go. If you feel at all that you might feel guilty in the future for not going go. But be on your best behavior.
posted by xammerboy at 6:56 PM on March 16, 2019

I feel like there may be a language and/or cultural barrier between you and me. Is there one between you and your boyfriend’s family? If so, you may have to be pretty direct with your boyfriend: that you are unsure how to read the signals his family is sending but that you are worried enough about these signals that you are thinking about breaking up with him. Ultimately I don’t think strangers on the internet can answer this one for you. I wish you luck.
posted by eirias at 7:28 PM on March 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

Wait, the bride banned you because she didn't want to offend her conservative grandmother by hosting an unmarried couple who might be having sex? That doesn't sound like something to take personally. That's not her saying "I don't like you."
posted by salvia at 8:22 PM on March 16, 2019 [1 favorite]

From your username I am guessing Chinese? I think it is good to get a lot of various advice, but keep in mind that most Westerners are going to be quite quick to jump to "break up", maybe for reasons that are cultural and that you do not necessarily share.

I think that the "banned from house" is a little confusing. For traditional families, yes, an overnight "girlfriend" guest might seem inappropriate. That is not in any way the same as "they don't like you".

I know a lot of people here in China that are married but live apart because of work, and many people here are very career devoted and work really hard. So your BF being back home and working is not so unusual to me, and not necessarily a sign of "bad relationship". He may be feeling that he cannot expect to move forward in a relationship if he is not successful financially / career-wise first.

But I am also making a lot of guesses here, and in the end it comes down to you and what you want in life. Would you be happy some day marrying this man? Do you want a more "romantic" partner who expresses feelings more clearly? Are you intending to stay in Canada, and if so are you wanting to integrate and meet outside your culture, maybe meet a "Canadian" man not from your own culture?

Those are the questions that you need to consider for yourself.

What you re describing sounds like a pretty typical Chinese courtship / GF-BF setup... whether that is what you want is the big question!

Good luck!
posted by Meatbomb at 11:54 PM on March 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Oops sorry, I do not want to abuse edit but should also directly answer your question!

Should you go to the wedding? Well, do you want to continue the relationship? That is your answer.
posted by Meatbomb at 11:57 PM on March 16, 2019

He asked me if I want to break-up, but I couldn't find a valid reason to break up.

he doesn't live in the same country as you, he has no intention of returning, and you only speak twice a month are all valid reasons to break up. Your needs are important, and you need more from a relationship than he is willing to give, you would be totally justified in ending it.

A good relationship is one that makes you happy. You're not excited that he is back, this relationship is clearly making you unhappy, you don't need any better reasons than that. You deserve much better than this.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:07 AM on March 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

Yes, you should go.

The bride did not ban you from their house. She was probably told by older relatives to text you and tell you not to sleep at their house. Sleeping in the same room with unmarried partner is a big no-no for older generations.

After the wedding, decide whether you want to move to country with boyfriend or breakup. Long distance relationships usually only work if there is an end date in sight. And daily or at least weekly contact helps.
posted by Neekee at 5:10 AM on March 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

I feel like a mention of the culture you come from and the culture that your boyfriend comes from would help but my answer is that you should go to the wedding unless you think there will be some big confrontation. If you think you can go to the wedding and just sit and eat with your boyfriend you should go since they already paid for you, made you a dress, and backing out now would be short notice. You can sort out your relationship and any perceived or misperceived issues with cousin and grandma later.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:27 AM on March 17, 2019

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