space? space! space..
March 8, 2019 11:54 AM Subscribe
I am finding myself feeling low-key uncomfortable with a friend and wanting space. I don't clearly understand why. Is it a bad idea to act on that feeling before understanding it?
I've been friends with Q for about two years, through a hobby group initially. They are extremely generous, thoughtful, kind. They're good people, and I'm glad to know them.
More recently however, their sort of overall social style has meshed poorly with mine. They are really interested in building a specific community of friends, and I find that admirable, but I don't really connect with many other people in the group or desire a group in the same way. The hangouts are based around drinking, which I don't do, or our shared queer identity, which is important to me but I often feel isn't enough, on its own, of a common ground. I'm aware of the dynamics of internalized queer issues, and I don't really think that's what's happening here. As somebody who's moved a few times in the past year, however, I've defintiely had this pattern of falling in with a local queer group, being enthusiastically befriended by a very extroverted and open person, and slowly realizing the group isn't for me/that I don't ultimatley have as much in common with that person and backing away. Whether that's internalized stuff or just a natural process, I'm unsure.
Back to the present! I decline a lot of these group hangs Q invites me to, although there's one coming up this weekend. But I've noticed that this aversion is creeping into other aspects of our friendship. They are also sort of relentlessly positive in a way that feels, at times, too much and kind of artificial. And more important than that quality - I'm sure I have many similar things about me!! - is that I find myself feeling offput and resentful in the first place. It's this like "I need space" tingly feeling that I don't feel with my other close friends, or when I have in the past, it's either resolved over time or been a strong cue to step back.
As you may have guessed, I'm a pretty introverted person who is deeply committed to my individual friendships (I have a few very close and dear friends who I've known 5-10 years, go on trips with, talk to electronically most days, and a handful of slightly more distant but still lovely friends that I talk to weekly or monthly. My other two friends in town fall into the second category but they're good people!). I have attachment issues and safety/trauma issues I've been working on very hard the past year. And I think what's especially tough about this thing with Q is that I'm genuinely unsure - am I just being ambivalent/splitting on this person because I'm feeling too close to them? Do I genuinely want slightly different things out of life than them, and am not really enjoying our connection as much as the current amount of time/talking/plans would imply and want to back off a bit? Am I just feeling unrelated things that are causing me to withdraw?
I'm trying to listen to my body, take it slow, and not assume any of these feelings mean anything definitive about our friendship. But I'm genuinely stumped on this one. Any advice on how to proceed? (I'll be talking about it a bit with my therapist, but we're also working on other things and it will be a while). Thank you thankyou!
I've been friends with Q for about two years, through a hobby group initially. They are extremely generous, thoughtful, kind. They're good people, and I'm glad to know them.
More recently however, their sort of overall social style has meshed poorly with mine. They are really interested in building a specific community of friends, and I find that admirable, but I don't really connect with many other people in the group or desire a group in the same way. The hangouts are based around drinking, which I don't do, or our shared queer identity, which is important to me but I often feel isn't enough, on its own, of a common ground. I'm aware of the dynamics of internalized queer issues, and I don't really think that's what's happening here. As somebody who's moved a few times in the past year, however, I've defintiely had this pattern of falling in with a local queer group, being enthusiastically befriended by a very extroverted and open person, and slowly realizing the group isn't for me/that I don't ultimatley have as much in common with that person and backing away. Whether that's internalized stuff or just a natural process, I'm unsure.
Back to the present! I decline a lot of these group hangs Q invites me to, although there's one coming up this weekend. But I've noticed that this aversion is creeping into other aspects of our friendship. They are also sort of relentlessly positive in a way that feels, at times, too much and kind of artificial. And more important than that quality - I'm sure I have many similar things about me!! - is that I find myself feeling offput and resentful in the first place. It's this like "I need space" tingly feeling that I don't feel with my other close friends, or when I have in the past, it's either resolved over time or been a strong cue to step back.
As you may have guessed, I'm a pretty introverted person who is deeply committed to my individual friendships (I have a few very close and dear friends who I've known 5-10 years, go on trips with, talk to electronically most days, and a handful of slightly more distant but still lovely friends that I talk to weekly or monthly. My other two friends in town fall into the second category but they're good people!). I have attachment issues and safety/trauma issues I've been working on very hard the past year. And I think what's especially tough about this thing with Q is that I'm genuinely unsure - am I just being ambivalent/splitting on this person because I'm feeling too close to them? Do I genuinely want slightly different things out of life than them, and am not really enjoying our connection as much as the current amount of time/talking/plans would imply and want to back off a bit? Am I just feeling unrelated things that are causing me to withdraw?
I'm trying to listen to my body, take it slow, and not assume any of these feelings mean anything definitive about our friendship. But I'm genuinely stumped on this one. Any advice on how to proceed? (I'll be talking about it a bit with my therapist, but we're also working on other things and it will be a while). Thank you thankyou!
You are allowed to be friends with or stop being friends with anyone you want, anytime you want to, for any reason or no reason at all. "I don't actually have that much fun when we hang out"/"We ultimately don't have much in common" is a completely valid reason to not be friends, or to decide to take a step back.
Being queer does not change this. You are not required to be friends with other queer people just because you're both queer.
Having a habit of drifting in an out of social groups also does not change that. There is nothing wrong with meeting new people, getting to know them, and deciding that you aren't feeling a close friendship at this time.
It's also completely OK to "be really busy lately" and not hang out for a while while you evaluate what your true feelings are, rather than formally end a friendship.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 12:21 PM on March 8, 2019 [7 favorites]
Being queer does not change this. You are not required to be friends with other queer people just because you're both queer.
Having a habit of drifting in an out of social groups also does not change that. There is nothing wrong with meeting new people, getting to know them, and deciding that you aren't feeling a close friendship at this time.
It's also completely OK to "be really busy lately" and not hang out for a while while you evaluate what your true feelings are, rather than formally end a friendship.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 12:21 PM on March 8, 2019 [7 favorites]
You don't need permission to stop being someone's friend. You don't have to make a drama thing, just slowly stop responding to invites and they'll get the hint. You could even say "Life's pretty crazy right now, I'll let you know when I'm free again." maybe you will want to do something, maybe you never will. It's okay either way.
I think you're trying to have it figured out more than is possible. Just... exist. It's fine, really.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:59 PM on March 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think you're trying to have it figured out more than is possible. Just... exist. It's fine, really.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:59 PM on March 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
It sounds to me like you're trying to make a decision about the whole friendship and finding that a little overwhelming- may I gently suggest, you don't need to eat the whole apple in one bite.
If you're enjoying a particular interaction, like a text convo or hangout, then go with it! If a plan sounds fun, partake! If a plan sounds not-fun, say it's not your thing or make a scheduling excuse, and don't partake! If a hangout you agreed to join turns out to be less fun than you expected, leave early (well, within reason- maybe don't bail and leave Q all alone at a concert or whatever unless you're truly miserable, but, you know), and remember for next time that you don't enjoy doing Activity A when you're in Mood B, or whatever.
If the idea of being someone's friend feels a strong NO, then by all means, stop being friends. But if you're unsure how you feel, you don't need to stress about deciding- you can just take it hangout by hangout, and only commit to the ones you actually want to go to.
Eventually the question of "is this person fun to be friends with" will resolve, because taking it hangout by hangout will actually help your friendship evolve or die. Either you'll be doing more and more things you enjoy, and the friendship will become obviously rewarding, or you'll say no so many times that the friendship will wink out of existence. Both are fine.
Also- there's no real need to formally end most friendships, and doing so can be really hurtful. Just be slow to reply to things, say no to things, and say you're generally busy these days if asked. The other person will likely take the hint and mostly stop asking you to hang out, and you won't have hurt their feelings for no reason or burned a bridge by "breaking up" with them.
Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:16 PM on March 8, 2019 [4 favorites]
If you're enjoying a particular interaction, like a text convo or hangout, then go with it! If a plan sounds fun, partake! If a plan sounds not-fun, say it's not your thing or make a scheduling excuse, and don't partake! If a hangout you agreed to join turns out to be less fun than you expected, leave early (well, within reason- maybe don't bail and leave Q all alone at a concert or whatever unless you're truly miserable, but, you know), and remember for next time that you don't enjoy doing Activity A when you're in Mood B, or whatever.
If the idea of being someone's friend feels a strong NO, then by all means, stop being friends. But if you're unsure how you feel, you don't need to stress about deciding- you can just take it hangout by hangout, and only commit to the ones you actually want to go to.
Eventually the question of "is this person fun to be friends with" will resolve, because taking it hangout by hangout will actually help your friendship evolve or die. Either you'll be doing more and more things you enjoy, and the friendship will become obviously rewarding, or you'll say no so many times that the friendship will wink out of existence. Both are fine.
Also- there's no real need to formally end most friendships, and doing so can be really hurtful. Just be slow to reply to things, say no to things, and say you're generally busy these days if asked. The other person will likely take the hint and mostly stop asking you to hang out, and you won't have hurt their feelings for no reason or burned a bridge by "breaking up" with them.
Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:16 PM on March 8, 2019 [4 favorites]
I know a lot of people are giving you the "ok" to end this friendship, and if that's what you're looking for, then by all means, take that advice. I agree.
However it sounds to me like you are concerned with an overall pattern of friendship, and that you like this person and want them in your life, but have been having challenges with boundary setting and staking out space for yourself.
As you point out, introverts and extroverts tend to look at friendships and social time differently- extroverts enjoy socializing for the sake of socializing a lot of the time, whereas generally introverts only want to be social with people they feel connected to. So this friend may be seeking to include you because they are extroverted and just out there socializing a lot. It's okay to set boundaries and even tell them you need your alone time to recharge. I think at that point, if they don't understand or trample your boundaries, it may be time to rethink the friendship.
posted by bearette at 2:09 PM on March 8, 2019 [3 favorites]
However it sounds to me like you are concerned with an overall pattern of friendship, and that you like this person and want them in your life, but have been having challenges with boundary setting and staking out space for yourself.
As you point out, introverts and extroverts tend to look at friendships and social time differently- extroverts enjoy socializing for the sake of socializing a lot of the time, whereas generally introverts only want to be social with people they feel connected to. So this friend may be seeking to include you because they are extroverted and just out there socializing a lot. It's okay to set boundaries and even tell them you need your alone time to recharge. I think at that point, if they don't understand or trample your boundaries, it may be time to rethink the friendship.
posted by bearette at 2:09 PM on March 8, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: This all is is extremely helpful, thank you. Yes, I'm trying to get to a point where I can accept a feeling like "I don't want to do this thing" without needing affirmation or without trying to repress that feeling. I think I put myself in a spot by not being honest about my needs weeks ago with these plans, and I could avoid that by setting better boundaries/expectations in the future. Instead I provoked a game of emotional chicken. Not ideal.
As a side but overlapping note, I realize that one factor at play here is that Q has shown some questionable judgment (to me) recently in showing a willingness to make excuses for somebody who recently got very high and said awful, sexually humiliating, and dehumanizing things to mutual friends. (Not Q, other jerk person). I challenged Q's reaction in the moment, and Q was aware it was complicated and such, but Q also revealed an interest in making nice/forgive and forget that I found disturbing. I think, in retrospect, part of this is me struggling to come to terms with my own strong belief, which granted not everyone would necessarily share -- I have a zero tolerance policy with people being abusive in the context of substances or no, and just as strongly, zero tolerance for encouraging dynamics of making excuses and doing relational gymanstics around abusers to keep the peace. Like, I spent a decade as a kid doing that. I don't want to be around that shit as an adult. Q is a good person and this isn't a deep indictment of their whole character, but it points to a dynamic and approach that the truest true me is just not okay with. That person is part of the plans I made with Q, so it's very relevant here.
Anyways. This is all to say that I appreciate the encouragement to unapologetically own my own desires and values in this way. Very helpful.
posted by Sock Meets Body at 4:56 PM on March 8, 2019
As a side but overlapping note, I realize that one factor at play here is that Q has shown some questionable judgment (to me) recently in showing a willingness to make excuses for somebody who recently got very high and said awful, sexually humiliating, and dehumanizing things to mutual friends. (Not Q, other jerk person). I challenged Q's reaction in the moment, and Q was aware it was complicated and such, but Q also revealed an interest in making nice/forgive and forget that I found disturbing. I think, in retrospect, part of this is me struggling to come to terms with my own strong belief, which granted not everyone would necessarily share -- I have a zero tolerance policy with people being abusive in the context of substances or no, and just as strongly, zero tolerance for encouraging dynamics of making excuses and doing relational gymanstics around abusers to keep the peace. Like, I spent a decade as a kid doing that. I don't want to be around that shit as an adult. Q is a good person and this isn't a deep indictment of their whole character, but it points to a dynamic and approach that the truest true me is just not okay with. That person is part of the plans I made with Q, so it's very relevant here.
Anyways. This is all to say that I appreciate the encouragement to unapologetically own my own desires and values in this way. Very helpful.
posted by Sock Meets Body at 4:56 PM on March 8, 2019
Is it a bad idea to act on that feeling before understanding it?
Nope. You don't need to understand a feeling before acting on it.
I tend to massively overthink things but there is actually a lot of power to just trusting your gut and responding in the moment. It's not easy to do, but I've been trying to treat my feelings like an alarm going off. They're not good or bad, they're just information. You wouldn't sit there continuing to have a conversation while something was beeping in your kitchen. You wouldn't pretend not to hear it while you waited to figure out what it was. You'd get up and look for it. You can just accept you feel what you feel and act accordingly. You don't have to be mean, but it would be totally reasonable to say "Sorry, I'm going to bail on this weekend's plans, I just feel kind of icky about spending time with that person after they said those things."
posted by selfmedicating at 5:50 PM on March 8, 2019
Nope. You don't need to understand a feeling before acting on it.
I tend to massively overthink things but there is actually a lot of power to just trusting your gut and responding in the moment. It's not easy to do, but I've been trying to treat my feelings like an alarm going off. They're not good or bad, they're just information. You wouldn't sit there continuing to have a conversation while something was beeping in your kitchen. You wouldn't pretend not to hear it while you waited to figure out what it was. You'd get up and look for it. You can just accept you feel what you feel and act accordingly. You don't have to be mean, but it would be totally reasonable to say "Sorry, I'm going to bail on this weekend's plans, I just feel kind of icky about spending time with that person after they said those things."
posted by selfmedicating at 5:50 PM on March 8, 2019
I agree with you about the no bullshit excuses for abusers and that's definitely enough reason for you to go 'no, I am not letting Q further into the vulnerable inner space I give my close friends' because you're aware that it's incredibly likely they'll end up making excuses for someone abusive and future drama will ensue, only you'll be badly hurt because by then they'll be a close friend.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:33 PM on March 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:33 PM on March 8, 2019 [1 favorite]
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posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:12 PM on March 8, 2019 [15 favorites]