Parenting a stress prone child with harmful ways of dealing with stress
March 5, 2019 11:31 AM Subscribe
Last week my partner and I noticed that our twelve year old son had marks on his arm and discovered he was engaging in self harm. He's also been refusing meals and lost significant weight recently. We've gotten professional help, but we're also after advice.
Our son, M, is stubborn, opinionated, and has a mixture of extremely high expectations for himself and a general disinclination to practice, study, or work. The conflict inherent in those last two items seems to cause him a great deal of stress. He gets frustrated easily when he is unable to do something right the first time and then tends to shut down and quit instead of practicing. He's extremely upset when he gets low grades, but getting him to do his homework or study is a daily struggle.
I don't think either my partner or I are creating or encouraging his perfectionism. We have never made a big deal about grades, put him down for failure, or in any other way implied that he must get all A's or be first chair in band. But he believes he should and is upset with himself when he isn't.
He's also been in trouble at school for disrupting classes and we're trying to think of ways to deal with that which don't add to his stress and bring him back into a cycle of self harm.
He's in sixth grade now, which here moves him to middle school, and he's got more friends than ever before. Including a girl he's been in a cyclic on and off "relationship" that typically lasts a week before she breaks up with him, then a few days before they're back together preparing for the next breakup. Scare quotes because the relationship is limited to school and phone after school, they went to a movie together exactly once. M says that he's finished with her forever after their last breakup, but we've heard that before. Neither my partner nor I think the relationship is doing him any good, but given how impossible it would be to enforce we haven't attempted to forbid him from being with her.
Per M their last breakup was the cause of his most recent bout of self harm.
He was chubby for several years, and wore clothes to try and hide his body. He's always been a picky eater so at first we didn't notice he was refusing a lot of meals. He's tall for his age, about 5'8 now, and weighs only 130 pounds. He's not really in the danger zone yet, but he's underweight for his height, looks very thin, and our therapist agrees that he's exhibiting symptoms of anorexia in his eating patterns.
Worse he tells us that he's found a great way to stop cutting himself: massive exercise! Which it turns out is another way of expressing of anorexia...
He's also been in trouble for disrupting class at school throughout the year. I don't think it's particularly worse now, but my partner and I are concerned about getting him to behave better in class without feeding his anxiety and possibly pushing him further into self harm and eating disorder problems.
We've got professional help, we are hoping that the techniques his therapist is working with him on will stop the self harm, we're going to his pediatrician soon for both a general checkup and to see about his BMI and health, we're working on his eating, and we're talking about his school situation.
But in addition to professional help I'd like to hear from other parents on what they've tried, what worked and didn't, and so on.
Any advice is welcome.
Our son, M, is stubborn, opinionated, and has a mixture of extremely high expectations for himself and a general disinclination to practice, study, or work. The conflict inherent in those last two items seems to cause him a great deal of stress. He gets frustrated easily when he is unable to do something right the first time and then tends to shut down and quit instead of practicing. He's extremely upset when he gets low grades, but getting him to do his homework or study is a daily struggle.
I don't think either my partner or I are creating or encouraging his perfectionism. We have never made a big deal about grades, put him down for failure, or in any other way implied that he must get all A's or be first chair in band. But he believes he should and is upset with himself when he isn't.
He's also been in trouble at school for disrupting classes and we're trying to think of ways to deal with that which don't add to his stress and bring him back into a cycle of self harm.
He's in sixth grade now, which here moves him to middle school, and he's got more friends than ever before. Including a girl he's been in a cyclic on and off "relationship" that typically lasts a week before she breaks up with him, then a few days before they're back together preparing for the next breakup. Scare quotes because the relationship is limited to school and phone after school, they went to a movie together exactly once. M says that he's finished with her forever after their last breakup, but we've heard that before. Neither my partner nor I think the relationship is doing him any good, but given how impossible it would be to enforce we haven't attempted to forbid him from being with her.
Per M their last breakup was the cause of his most recent bout of self harm.
He was chubby for several years, and wore clothes to try and hide his body. He's always been a picky eater so at first we didn't notice he was refusing a lot of meals. He's tall for his age, about 5'8 now, and weighs only 130 pounds. He's not really in the danger zone yet, but he's underweight for his height, looks very thin, and our therapist agrees that he's exhibiting symptoms of anorexia in his eating patterns.
Worse he tells us that he's found a great way to stop cutting himself: massive exercise! Which it turns out is another way of expressing of anorexia...
He's also been in trouble for disrupting class at school throughout the year. I don't think it's particularly worse now, but my partner and I are concerned about getting him to behave better in class without feeding his anxiety and possibly pushing him further into self harm and eating disorder problems.
We've got professional help, we are hoping that the techniques his therapist is working with him on will stop the self harm, we're going to his pediatrician soon for both a general checkup and to see about his BMI and health, we're working on his eating, and we're talking about his school situation.
But in addition to professional help I'd like to hear from other parents on what they've tried, what worked and didn't, and so on.
Any advice is welcome.
Fixed versus growth mindsets is an area you may want to look into. It sounds like your son has a fixed growth mindset - that he has a certain level of intelligence and if he can't do something he should just stop so no one can find out that he's not that smart. I was very similar when I was young (and if I'm honest, now, although I'm working on it).
I first read about it in a book called NurtureShock but there are a lot of pop culture articles about it now available, such as this one.
Also, seconding that you might just want to say he's not allowed to have a relationship with this girl anymore. He's young enough that you can still enforce those kinds of rules, and he might be relieved to no longer have that burden of managing it on him. It doesn't even have to be about her - just a blanket rule "My parent's say I'm not allowed to date anyone until I'm 15".
I do wish you the absolute best of luck.
posted by valoius at 12:20 PM on March 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
I first read about it in a book called NurtureShock but there are a lot of pop culture articles about it now available, such as this one.
Also, seconding that you might just want to say he's not allowed to have a relationship with this girl anymore. He's young enough that you can still enforce those kinds of rules, and he might be relieved to no longer have that burden of managing it on him. It doesn't even have to be about her - just a blanket rule "My parent's say I'm not allowed to date anyone until I'm 15".
I do wish you the absolute best of luck.
posted by valoius at 12:20 PM on March 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
It doesn't sound as though there are any positives to allowing the "dating" situation to continue.
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:25 PM on March 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:25 PM on March 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
Medication helped for a limited period. Depression was making it hard for any of the therapy to take hold so about 9 months of low dose Prozac made a difference. We quit the athletics program that was encouraging the anorexia. Art and creative activities help as a replacement outlet because they have no clear success/failure, but are about process which helps. I think for that kid it was cooking and drawing that worked best.
Is he getting enough sleep? Teenagers sleep badly. If he snores, consider checking for apnea. It can contribute to depression.
Definitely limit the girlfriend drama. Talk to him about limits and rules. Depends on the kid but at 12, how tight are you on his phone and social media? At that age, I had a hands off but I'm allowed full access spot checks that I did frequently. It wasn't until they were 16 they got full phone control, although I tapered off checks with age/trust. I was looking for bullying and porn and if they were following proana stuff etc.
Do you have on going therapy? My teen benefited from art therapy more than talk therapy. The art therapist was laid back and patient and tried different methods until something clicked.
Good luck. Memail me if you need to talk, it's rough. We had several scary years but he turned a corner finally and is now doing pretty well.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:46 PM on March 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
Is he getting enough sleep? Teenagers sleep badly. If he snores, consider checking for apnea. It can contribute to depression.
Definitely limit the girlfriend drama. Talk to him about limits and rules. Depends on the kid but at 12, how tight are you on his phone and social media? At that age, I had a hands off but I'm allowed full access spot checks that I did frequently. It wasn't until they were 16 they got full phone control, although I tapered off checks with age/trust. I was looking for bullying and porn and if they were following proana stuff etc.
Do you have on going therapy? My teen benefited from art therapy more than talk therapy. The art therapist was laid back and patient and tried different methods until something clicked.
Good luck. Memail me if you need to talk, it's rough. We had several scary years but he turned a corner finally and is now doing pretty well.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:46 PM on March 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
I suggest that you pursue testing for giftedness and, if applicable, consider targeted interventions that factor this in. Giftedness can impact how kids wrestle with emotions.
I also suggest that your family begin to practice mindfulness in front of your son as much as possible. Let him see people manage intense emotions mindfully, talking aloud through the process of noticing and naming an intense feeling, naming where it is in the body, accepting that it is there without feeling suffocated by it or needing to stuff it. The more he sees this modeled the more options he will have in negotiating intense emotions.
I also found this which seems to have good reviews.
If your child is open to mindfulness practices, first check with the therapist to be sure this compliments the methods in the treatment plan. If it does, there's lots of great free resources. I used Stop, Breathe and Think with teens (website and free app across platforms) and they found it useful.
Note: I do not have a 12 year old but I worked as a therapist with middle school students including those who cut and have eating issues.
posted by crunchy potato at 3:02 PM on March 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
I also suggest that your family begin to practice mindfulness in front of your son as much as possible. Let him see people manage intense emotions mindfully, talking aloud through the process of noticing and naming an intense feeling, naming where it is in the body, accepting that it is there without feeling suffocated by it or needing to stuff it. The more he sees this modeled the more options he will have in negotiating intense emotions.
I also found this which seems to have good reviews.
If your child is open to mindfulness practices, first check with the therapist to be sure this compliments the methods in the treatment plan. If it does, there's lots of great free resources. I used Stop, Breathe and Think with teens (website and free app across platforms) and they found it useful.
Note: I do not have a 12 year old but I worked as a therapist with middle school students including those who cut and have eating issues.
posted by crunchy potato at 3:02 PM on March 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
- high expectations for himself
- disinclination to work/practise
- stubborn/opinionated
- disruptive in classes
posted by spielzebub at 4:56 PM on March 5, 2019 [6 favorites]
It’s easy to see ADHD everywhere when you and your brother and your sister and your father have it (hai), but definitely get him evaluated. This sounds exactly like what my brother went through, and adults treated him like he was acting out vs profoundly suffering. (ADHD is often co-morbid with depression and anxiety.) Your son could also be “twice exceptional” — gifted and not neurotypical. Many of us are, and we can thrive with treatment.
posted by jessca84 at 5:51 PM on March 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by jessca84 at 5:51 PM on March 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
Get him a good calcium suppliment, that has viitamin D in it. Talk him into taking it, hit him at his vanity, by mentioning you want him to have plenty of room in his jaw for his new twelve year molars. They grow so fast at this time and they teethe like babies, he has to brush often to keep his gums healthy while they come in. He needs lots of positive reinforcement, and clear expectations for school behavoir. He needs you to be concerned enough to make rules you enforce. He needs to take evening meals with you, he needs the calcium before bed.
I have to say they don't call it "The awkward age," for nothing. Most of what you described falls into normal at times for puberty. The self harm is worrisome, and the anorexia, he needs more family time, and constructive relationships. Expect him to take up a sport. Even ping pong something where he is with a team and builds skill. He needs a heavy duty dose of normal. He has definitely gotten your attention. Tell him it is too early for girlfriend.
I would not try to make him a patient. I would be long on expectations, and support for meeting those, homework help, meetings with teacher, where he sees you negotiate agreements, and from the angle of patience and love. Some people just go nuts over all the unspokens that go along with puberty. Monitor the hell out of his online life. This is to make sure he doesn't have some drama enabler driving some of this.
I have an 11 year old grandson who turns 12 in a few days. A lot of what you have described is normal for the awkward age. He is just over the line in a couple of rough spots. Apply a reading program, keep him company until he corrects his course. Let him know you are all over it.
posted by Oyéah at 6:33 PM on March 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
I have to say they don't call it "The awkward age," for nothing. Most of what you described falls into normal at times for puberty. The self harm is worrisome, and the anorexia, he needs more family time, and constructive relationships. Expect him to take up a sport. Even ping pong something where he is with a team and builds skill. He needs a heavy duty dose of normal. He has definitely gotten your attention. Tell him it is too early for girlfriend.
I would not try to make him a patient. I would be long on expectations, and support for meeting those, homework help, meetings with teacher, where he sees you negotiate agreements, and from the angle of patience and love. Some people just go nuts over all the unspokens that go along with puberty. Monitor the hell out of his online life. This is to make sure he doesn't have some drama enabler driving some of this.
I have an 11 year old grandson who turns 12 in a few days. A lot of what you have described is normal for the awkward age. He is just over the line in a couple of rough spots. Apply a reading program, keep him company until he corrects his course. Let him know you are all over it.
posted by Oyéah at 6:33 PM on March 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for the replies and advice. To answer some questions I saw several people asking:
M was evaluated for ADHD and other disorders four years ago, all came back negative. Perhaps that has changed and we should have him reevaluated? I recently discovered that I have symptoms matching adult ADHD, and apparently have my entire life and trying to deal with that plus clinical depression is... interesting.
He had regular therapy for some time, until his therapist decided he was doing well enough that it was no longer necessary. And he had drastically improved! We're back in therapy now.
As for the girlfriend, so far she's still out of the picture as a girlfriend. He sees her at lunch and in class, she's dating some other guy now.
Rock 'em Sock 'em I'm white, my partner is black, and despite M being adopted he's mixed which, in America, means black.
And yes, I'm concerned that at least some of the trouble he's getting into at school is at least partially related to both his height (he has always been tall for his age) and his blackness. At the same time, I know he can be really frustrating to deal with because he tends to either argue against any sort of teaching or zone out with a thousand yard stare as a form of passive rebellion against being taught things. He has a fairly intense dislike of being taught anything, which both my partner and I have always found distressing.
We have had talks about how both his blackness and height mean that he's going to get more attention than a shorter white kid would, and while that's not fair it's something he has to learn techniques for coping with. And we've had some small success with that. While he's still getting into trouble at school he has improved.
dorothyisunderwood Some of our more epic arguments have been about his sleep schedule. We may have to engage again, as it's certainly possible that bad sleep habits are a component.
posted by sotonohito at 10:54 AM on March 6, 2019
M was evaluated for ADHD and other disorders four years ago, all came back negative. Perhaps that has changed and we should have him reevaluated? I recently discovered that I have symptoms matching adult ADHD, and apparently have my entire life and trying to deal with that plus clinical depression is... interesting.
He had regular therapy for some time, until his therapist decided he was doing well enough that it was no longer necessary. And he had drastically improved! We're back in therapy now.
As for the girlfriend, so far she's still out of the picture as a girlfriend. He sees her at lunch and in class, she's dating some other guy now.
Rock 'em Sock 'em I'm white, my partner is black, and despite M being adopted he's mixed which, in America, means black.
And yes, I'm concerned that at least some of the trouble he's getting into at school is at least partially related to both his height (he has always been tall for his age) and his blackness. At the same time, I know he can be really frustrating to deal with because he tends to either argue against any sort of teaching or zone out with a thousand yard stare as a form of passive rebellion against being taught things. He has a fairly intense dislike of being taught anything, which both my partner and I have always found distressing.
We have had talks about how both his blackness and height mean that he's going to get more attention than a shorter white kid would, and while that's not fair it's something he has to learn techniques for coping with. And we've had some small success with that. While he's still getting into trouble at school he has improved.
dorothyisunderwood Some of our more epic arguments have been about his sleep schedule. We may have to engage again, as it's certainly possible that bad sleep habits are a component.
posted by sotonohito at 10:54 AM on March 6, 2019
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posted by prize bull octorok at 12:02 PM on March 5, 2019 [3 favorites]