What to do when kids know, but can't understand... ?
February 26, 2019 1:47 PM Subscribe
Wonderful, impish, astute, linguistically precocious nearly 4 year old has her daddy (me) wound around her little finger; she's the apple of my eye and she knows it. This is obviously fantastic... but I've just had an extremely stressful work situation arise very suddenly, and she's picked up on it almost instantly. I'm finding this harder to deal with than the root situation itself; how to reassure and comfort someone who knows something bad, out there, is going on, but who's only just on the cusp of starting to learn what out there really is...
I'm coming to the end of a year-long period of (legally entitled) unpaid leave, due to my second daughter (1 year old) having a rare brain malformation which was detected during pregnancy. My employer (of 12 years) has just sprung the news on me that my role no longer exists, and he wants to negotiate a voluntary redundancy package. I'm really angry and upset at his approach, but am, on balance, confident that the eventual change is actually one for the better and should work out acceptably well for me.
But now (in the middle of school holidays, last ones of this leave period, all my time planned to be spent with older daughter) I'm distracted, pacing, clenching my jaw, losing attention because I'm rehearsing my negotiation in my head... so of course she knows that something's changed, and that it's not good.
I know the line (often mentioned in divorce situations) that young kids aren't able to conceptualise negative parental emotion as not being about them / their fault. That idea makes a lot of sense, and thinking about it really isn't helping me manage to get my shit together.
Any ideas of coping strategies, or just experiences of this sort of situation, would be super welcome right now. Thanks in advance.
I'm coming to the end of a year-long period of (legally entitled) unpaid leave, due to my second daughter (1 year old) having a rare brain malformation which was detected during pregnancy. My employer (of 12 years) has just sprung the news on me that my role no longer exists, and he wants to negotiate a voluntary redundancy package. I'm really angry and upset at his approach, but am, on balance, confident that the eventual change is actually one for the better and should work out acceptably well for me.
But now (in the middle of school holidays, last ones of this leave period, all my time planned to be spent with older daughter) I'm distracted, pacing, clenching my jaw, losing attention because I'm rehearsing my negotiation in my head... so of course she knows that something's changed, and that it's not good.
I know the line (often mentioned in divorce situations) that young kids aren't able to conceptualise negative parental emotion as not being about them / their fault. That idea makes a lot of sense, and thinking about it really isn't helping me manage to get my shit together.
Any ideas of coping strategies, or just experiences of this sort of situation, would be super welcome right now. Thanks in advance.
One day, your daughter will have a difficult, scary situation. And she will have already learnt fromyou that these situations exist and they can make you (her) freak out, pace around and chew your nails as you prepare and rehearse the important stuff, but ultimately you will be ok. Everything will be ok. You, her awesome parent, had a freak out situation and came out of it stronger. So that means she can do it, too.
All this to say, it‘s okay to show your daughter negative emotions. She needs to see how you cope with things because this is how she learns how things can be coped with.
(Also, perhaps this worry about your daughter is a way of distracting yourself from the bigger worries?)
posted by Omnomnom at 2:12 PM on February 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
All this to say, it‘s okay to show your daughter negative emotions. She needs to see how you cope with things because this is how she learns how things can be coped with.
(Also, perhaps this worry about your daughter is a way of distracting yourself from the bigger worries?)
posted by Omnomnom at 2:12 PM on February 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
You want to validate and not deny her sense that something is going on but also you want her to feel safe and not burdened by adult issues. So, depending on what she knows about the plan for you do go back to work, I might tell her that something happened at the place where Daddy works that you didn't like. It is making you feel upset and angry when it happened because now you have to change your plans. But you are working on new plans and everything is going to be fine but in the meanwhile, sometimes she might notice Daddy is distracted because he thinking about his plans instead of paying attention to her. Then later if you realize that you were caught up in work stuff, you can just tell her that you busy thinking about your work plans but now you are going to think about her instead.
posted by metahawk at 2:32 PM on February 26, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 2:32 PM on February 26, 2019 [8 favorites]
Please check out Dan Siegel's "The Whole Brain Child" - there is a lot of great information in there for parents about the co-regulation that happens between parents and children, and how to be able to regulate with your child even through stressful events. His work is Interpersonal Neurobiology and I (child therapist with a focus right now in IPNB and how it plays out between parents and kids) think that you will get a lot out of this book.
The takeaways are: Don't hide your feelings. When you think that your daughter is sensing that something is wrong - she is! Our nervous systems are created to sense what another person's nervous system is doing and what state they're in. We use this for relational connection and lots of other things. Your daughter's nervous system is going "Huh. Something's up with Daddy right now because Daddy FEELS different."
You can relieve her anxiety by saying, "I bet you've noticed that Daddy's been having some big feelings lately. You're absolutely right, I am. Sometimes adults have big feelings too and we know what to do to help ourselves when we have them. It's okay for anyone to have big feelings. Sometimes even adults get sad, but Daddy is taking care of himself and can take care of you too."
There is a ton of great information and information for parents about this sort of topic on the Synergetic Play Therapy Institute's website here.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 2:53 PM on February 26, 2019 [14 favorites]
The takeaways are: Don't hide your feelings. When you think that your daughter is sensing that something is wrong - she is! Our nervous systems are created to sense what another person's nervous system is doing and what state they're in. We use this for relational connection and lots of other things. Your daughter's nervous system is going "Huh. Something's up with Daddy right now because Daddy FEELS different."
You can relieve her anxiety by saying, "I bet you've noticed that Daddy's been having some big feelings lately. You're absolutely right, I am. Sometimes adults have big feelings too and we know what to do to help ourselves when we have them. It's okay for anyone to have big feelings. Sometimes even adults get sad, but Daddy is taking care of himself and can take care of you too."
There is a ton of great information and information for parents about this sort of topic on the Synergetic Play Therapy Institute's website here.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 2:53 PM on February 26, 2019 [14 favorites]
I went through this, kind of! I had a bunch of stressors including my 3.5 year old's cataract surgery and...I was laid off 5 weeks before his surgery. I am not implying that this is the same as your situation which sounds an 11 on a scale of 1-10, but I feel you.
I did what everyone is suggesting. I told him that mummy was a bit stressed out/anxious/frustrated/angry and that these were feelings and we were going to be just fine. I visibly did things like jumping jacks to burn off the "waves" (we call them angry waves, sad waves) and shared, at an age-appropriate level. I let him know that our family would still be great and kept upbeat about our future. ("When mummy finds her NEW job...") I think my son's emotional intelligence went up considerably as a result...even if I fell off my podium of perfection a bit. :)
And...we were more than fine, actually, it was one of the best periods for our family life despite hospital, hospital, job interview, job interview. I hope for you that once this news settles you also have a really solid time. I hope you get a great package that allows you to take some breaths after the year you have had.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:01 PM on February 26, 2019 [6 favorites]
I did what everyone is suggesting. I told him that mummy was a bit stressed out/anxious/frustrated/angry and that these were feelings and we were going to be just fine. I visibly did things like jumping jacks to burn off the "waves" (we call them angry waves, sad waves) and shared, at an age-appropriate level. I let him know that our family would still be great and kept upbeat about our future. ("When mummy finds her NEW job...") I think my son's emotional intelligence went up considerably as a result...even if I fell off my podium of perfection a bit. :)
And...we were more than fine, actually, it was one of the best periods for our family life despite hospital, hospital, job interview, job interview. I hope for you that once this news settles you also have a really solid time. I hope you get a great package that allows you to take some breaths after the year you have had.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:01 PM on February 26, 2019 [6 favorites]
I would just sit her on my lap, say, at bedtime or something, and say, "I'm sorry darling, I know I've been like Eeyore lately, I had some sad news, but it will be okay."
Then you could ask what she likes when she's feeling sad, she might say playing with this or that toy, or chocolate, or tea parties, or being Wonder Woman. And then you guys could do whatever she likes, and I bet it will help you both.
When my son was 18 months old, we were playing on the couch, and we bumped heads by accident, and I started to cry, because it hurt. He ran into the kitchen, grabbed a towel and came back and started dabbing at my face. It was the sweetest thing in the world. Little kids really do empathize. You don't need to burden your child, but you can both eat a chocolate together and agree it's a good thing to cry and have a little treat afterward.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:35 PM on February 26, 2019
Then you could ask what she likes when she's feeling sad, she might say playing with this or that toy, or chocolate, or tea parties, or being Wonder Woman. And then you guys could do whatever she likes, and I bet it will help you both.
When my son was 18 months old, we were playing on the couch, and we bumped heads by accident, and I started to cry, because it hurt. He ran into the kitchen, grabbed a towel and came back and started dabbing at my face. It was the sweetest thing in the world. Little kids really do empathize. You don't need to burden your child, but you can both eat a chocolate together and agree it's a good thing to cry and have a little treat afterward.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:35 PM on February 26, 2019
My premise for answering children’s questions is twofold:
(1) Always give honest answers (at an age appropriate level)
(2) answer exactly the question asked, no more.
If the child wants additional information, they will ask follow up questions. As those arise, go back to step 1 and repeat.
Remember also that kids at this age are very literal and concrete, and don’t understand certain big picture implications in the same way grownups do. Not having a job to go back to induces a sense of existential dread in you; in her it may just register at the level of a mild disappointment to you (you wanted to go somewhere, you couldn’t)
So - parceled out in bits to answer her exact questions, I’d tell her: you were expecting to go back to work next week and now you don’t get to and you’re feeling disappointed. You’re angry because a person at work told you you couldn’t come back in an unkind way and it hurt your feelings. You’re having a hard time paying attention because you’re practicing in your mind how to talk to the mean person. You’re going to look for a new job now, but that’s hard work and sometimes makes you feel tired.
For each of those, add a parallel to a time when she was feeling that way: “I’m feeling angry because... just like you were angry when...”
And do lots of extra reassurance of how much you love her, you always love her, you love her when she’s [having all the feelings], you love her when you’re [having all the feelings] and so on.
Best of luck to you; this sounds really hard. For what it’s worth, I’ve found controlled honesty to be much less stressful for me in dealing with kids because I don’t have t keep track of what story I fabricated for them. And a 4yo can be surprisingly and touchingly empathetic sometimes!
posted by telepanda at 7:26 PM on February 26, 2019 [6 favorites]
(1) Always give honest answers (at an age appropriate level)
(2) answer exactly the question asked, no more.
If the child wants additional information, they will ask follow up questions. As those arise, go back to step 1 and repeat.
Remember also that kids at this age are very literal and concrete, and don’t understand certain big picture implications in the same way grownups do. Not having a job to go back to induces a sense of existential dread in you; in her it may just register at the level of a mild disappointment to you (you wanted to go somewhere, you couldn’t)
So - parceled out in bits to answer her exact questions, I’d tell her: you were expecting to go back to work next week and now you don’t get to and you’re feeling disappointed. You’re angry because a person at work told you you couldn’t come back in an unkind way and it hurt your feelings. You’re having a hard time paying attention because you’re practicing in your mind how to talk to the mean person. You’re going to look for a new job now, but that’s hard work and sometimes makes you feel tired.
For each of those, add a parallel to a time when she was feeling that way: “I’m feeling angry because... just like you were angry when...”
And do lots of extra reassurance of how much you love her, you always love her, you love her when she’s [having all the feelings], you love her when you’re [having all the feelings] and so on.
Best of luck to you; this sounds really hard. For what it’s worth, I’ve found controlled honesty to be much less stressful for me in dealing with kids because I don’t have t keep track of what story I fabricated for them. And a 4yo can be surprisingly and touchingly empathetic sometimes!
posted by telepanda at 7:26 PM on February 26, 2019 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi all, quick update; firstly and most importantly to say thank you to everyone for great answers, positive thoughts and useful information. There's a lot here that makes a lot of sense to me; this question has just served, once more, to reinforce my opinion that AskMe is pretty much the dictionary definition of the Kindness of Strangers.
Secondly, to add a brief bit of info, in case anyone looks back or in for the first time, as requested by Memail...
My partner in all of this is my wife, mother of these 2 girls; we're together and have a super, super strong relationship. However, she had serious health problems over the course of both pregnancies (high blood pressure + pre-eclampsia), which is just another wave of fallout that we were just starting to move on from. She is even more incensed about my work situation than I am, and is finding things hard to deal with in many of the same ways. So any more advice just as welcome from her side as from mine.
And finally... just the cherry on the icing... the morning after writing this, I had to rush into hospital with my youngest who was having severe breathing difficulties. She's well on the mend now, and it hopefully looks like just a bad case of bronchiolitis, but we'll be taking this up at a checkup with neurological specialists (pre-scheduled, routine) in a few weeks' time. The day after this I was straight in to see my GP, who's put me on a low dose of Xanax for a month to tide me through.
Anyway, once more, thank you everyone for what you've contributed; using some of this advice has made me, my eldest, and the rest of my family feel a bit better already.
posted by protorp at 11:02 AM on March 1, 2019
Secondly, to add a brief bit of info, in case anyone looks back or in for the first time, as requested by Memail...
My partner in all of this is my wife, mother of these 2 girls; we're together and have a super, super strong relationship. However, she had serious health problems over the course of both pregnancies (high blood pressure + pre-eclampsia), which is just another wave of fallout that we were just starting to move on from. She is even more incensed about my work situation than I am, and is finding things hard to deal with in many of the same ways. So any more advice just as welcome from her side as from mine.
And finally... just the cherry on the icing... the morning after writing this, I had to rush into hospital with my youngest who was having severe breathing difficulties. She's well on the mend now, and it hopefully looks like just a bad case of bronchiolitis, but we'll be taking this up at a checkup with neurological specialists (pre-scheduled, routine) in a few weeks' time. The day after this I was straight in to see my GP, who's put me on a low dose of Xanax for a month to tide me through.
Anyway, once more, thank you everyone for what you've contributed; using some of this advice has made me, my eldest, and the rest of my family feel a bit better already.
posted by protorp at 11:02 AM on March 1, 2019
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Much love to you in this trying time!
posted by jillithd at 1:57 PM on February 26, 2019 [33 favorites]