Looking for bad fortunes and bad advice lines for our radio show on WFMU
February 26, 2019 12:44 PM   Subscribe

Help us come up with some creative and witty bad advice and bad fortunes for a robot to share during our fundraising marathon show on WFMU.

Who is WFMU? It's a listener-supported, non-commercial radio station located in Jersey City, NJ. The fundraising period is an exciting time for DJ's and listeners alike. DJ's are paired with other DJ's, marathon videos are created with love, live video feeds, stunts and special customized premiums are done in order to incentivise listeners to pledge money to our show and to the station.

So, our show, In Real Life is planning on having a live video feed that will feature a robot. (a mystery DJ will be wearing a homemade robot costume) The robot will do a little live robot cam dance and then in a robot voice will tell them their dreaded fortune for a pledge.

Any ideas on some funny, dark, mildly offensive, FCC friendly, bad fortunes and advice from a robot?
posted by brinkzilla to Writing & Language (23 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
"every zoo is a petting zoo - if you dare."
posted by alchemist at 12:55 PM on February 26, 2019 [5 favorites]

These things happen for a reason
posted by Morpeth at 1:03 PM on February 26, 2019

"It's time. What time? ALL THE TIME"
posted by josher71 at 1:03 PM on February 26, 2019

Your future is unclear, time for new glasses.
posted by tman99 at 1:09 PM on February 26, 2019

"Do not despair, but if you despair, work on in despair"

I seriously got a fortune with that a couple weeks back.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 1:28 PM on February 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

* No need to wash it, no one ever smells it.
* What could go wrong? Nothing.
* A child car seat ALWAYS attracts the ladies
* The law says "container" which is singular; does not use "containers", plural.
* Don't use the word, "fat" use "density"

Actual bad advice from my mom:
* If you give them your breasts they'll leave you alone.
* Life IS pain.
* Beware the dog that bites.
* You can't bury Jesus with your father!
posted by jadepearl at 1:30 PM on February 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: These are so great, they can also be longer, not just fortune cookie length. I'm thinking of having tiers for folks that pledger higher dollar values. Here are the few I came up with...

Don't ever use your turn signals, it is rude to announce to everyone around you where you are heading. Besides, where you are going is nobody else's business

Your number of friends on Twitter is usually inversely proportional to the number of people that would show up at your birthday party

Fake a crack habit so your rich parents treat you to a fancy holiday at a celebrity rehab clinic. You might meet someone famous!
posted by brinkzilla at 1:36 PM on February 26, 2019

Time flies like and arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
posted by Splunge at 1:41 PM on February 26, 2019

"If brute force doesn't work, you aren't using enough."
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:45 PM on February 26, 2019

We have updated our terms of service... so up yours.

01000111000111001110011101110011000 well, that is hilarious if you are a robot

You should treat your laptop better. Word gets around.

I am here to play tunes and masticate chewing gum. And I am empty of gum.

Donate now. Your money will be worthless after the robot revolution.

I just spent your donation on a RAM upgrade.

You have a bright future. Human flesh in combustable.
posted by nickggully at 2:05 PM on February 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough.
posted by ActionPopulated at 2:29 PM on February 26, 2019

Your misfortune: You will wake in the night and step barefoot on a Lego. EVEN THOUGH NO ONE IN YOUR HOUSE PLAYS WITH LEGO.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:50 PM on February 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

InspiroBot generates some pretty epic content.
posted by OnefortheLast at 4:20 PM on February 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

* I see red flags. Many red flags. This means PARTY.
* Bet on the Washington Generals. They are DUE.
* Only wear the animal print of a creature smaller than you
* Protip: Pads can be used as air fresheners. [4th wall aside: my friend did this the first time he lived with a woman.]
* I could tell you the ten lines GUARANTEED to maintain a relationship, but that would be unfair.
* Always have an NDA ready before revealing your porn collection on the first date.
* Stalking is just another word for FOCUS.
posted by jadepearl at 4:30 PM on February 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

Do you know of fortune files - Google Search? `fortune` is an ancient *NIX thing that is full of thousands and more fortunes. You can find the fortune data files which are just huge lists of fortunes collected over the ages in various categories. You can certainly browse some of those and come up with a bunch of one-liners or multi-liners that are just a bit off.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:29 PM on February 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

Every time you get dressed remember, if you die, that is your ghost outfit, forever.

If you are lonely, dim the lights and put on a horror movie. After awhile you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

Do you ever have the feeling that your fairy godmother stepped out for a smoke.

Ironing boards are actually surfboards that have given up on following their dreams and have a regular job. Don't be an ironing board.

It is a sad day when you discover that your universal remote does not control the universe. Not even remotely.

When making sure you are on the same page with someone, also make sure you both have the same book and that all parties know how to read.

Your I.Q. tests came back. They're negative.

If you say "gullible" very slowly it sounds like "oranges".

You're the reason this country has to put instructions on shampoo.

You may not have lost all of your marbles, but there's definitely a hole in the bag.

Good morning. I see the assassins have failed.

Did you know that a large group of baboons is called a Congress? Explains a lot, doesn't it?

You can't always control who will walk into your life, but you can control which window to throw them out of.

Some folks should use a glue stick rather than chapstick.

Some times you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from followingyou.
posted by BoscosMom at 7:48 PM on February 26, 2019 [5 favorites]

You will meet a tall, dark stranger. He will try to sell you a horse. You should buy the horse and put it in your bathroom. People love a bathroom horse.
posted by thivaia at 8:57 PM on February 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

Always trust your instincts, even when your instincts start talking behind your back and going out with your friends and not telling you, and you're like, "Instincts, I thought we were forever," and your instincts are all, "Grow up, Charles."
posted by thivaia at 9:02 PM on February 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

when you clean your vacuum cleaner, you become the vacuum cleaner.
posted by alchemist at 9:14 PM on February 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

You should definitely tell them what you think, especially if you haven't really thought about it.

Everyone loves that one drunk guy at the kindergarten party.

If in doubt, just ask what race someone is.

Bus drivers appreciate being patted on the head when you board the bus.

The IRS is really forgiving about inventive deductions.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:32 AM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

There's nothing a bear appreciates so much as a good cuddle, that's why it's a "bear hug."

Your fingers actually grow back really quickly.

One of the cooler light shows you can make is dropping your hair dryer in the tub, but you've really got to be in there for the full effect.
posted by aspersioncast at 10:13 AM on February 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

* Just tell them you are a sexy, wealthy vampire and that is why you hang out at the local high school. Because it is ROMANTIC.

* You will experience a feeling. There is a German word for it but you know, that emotion after being told that your personal porn photos were lost in a hard drive crash including back-ups: deep nostalgic regret coupled with feeling that you deserved God striking you down. Yeah, yeah, THAT feeling.

* All pet questions can be answered with de-clawing and circumcision. Just like turning off and on your computer but better.
posted by jadepearl at 6:55 PM on February 27, 2019

Black socks never get dirty.

What doesn't kill you gives you a dark sense of humour and some unhelpful coping mechanisms.
posted by Cheese Monster at 7:39 PM on February 27, 2019

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