How can I be both powerful and good?
February 22, 2019 2:41 PM   Subscribe

By all appearances, I seem to be charismatic and dominant, and I love the feeling of power. I also really really want to not be a jerk. Seeking advice for how to straddle this line.

I know this is a strange question, but it is completely honest and is something I have struggled my whole life with. I am hoping people here can help. Here’s the situation:

- Without much conscious effort, I appear to be a natural leader. People follow me even when I don’t intend it. I persuade people of things easily. When I try, I can charm the shit out of nearly everyone. I know these claims sound grandiose, but I don’t know how to prove them so please just take this as a given for the purposes of this question. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I have risen to a fairly high point in a fairly high-powered profession, and am on a steady upward trajectory.

- I am strongly sensation-seeking, with a constant need for adrenaline and risk. I think this gives me a confidence that is part of what makes people follow me, and it’s also why I seek out power myself. Few things offer as much adrenaline, to me, as the power to control people or situations. If I don’t get enough adrenaline my behaviour seriously suffers: I make increasingly stupid and risky decisions, I get depressed, I pursue pain. This need has been a constant my whole life.

- I have recently discovered that D/s dynamics really appeal to me and this freaks me out, because I don't see much of a way to feasibly fit this into my life without breaking my existing relationships. I very much do not want to break these relationships.

That said:

- Perhaps unusually for someone with this psychological profile, I also have fairly high empathy. I put this down to a very nurturing childhood with a strong emphasis on moral goodness. As a result I am repelled and disgusted a lot of the time by my intrinsic need for power and desire for adrenaline. I am constantly worried about whether I’m doing good or harm by my way of being in the world.

- I am most excited by complex power challenges. I think physical aggression and overt threats are tacky, crude, and boring. I love the challenge of figuring what people (or groups of people) really want but may be too scared or powerless to get themselves, and getting it for them. I love fixing people and situations, and making things better. Of course, being human, I’m not always the best judge of what “better” is, and I constantly worry about mis-stepping. But this is my default state of interacting with the world and I can’t just shut it off; I wouldn't even know how to start replacing it with something else.

- I try really really hard to put myself in situations where my skills and power-seeking are a force for good. e.g. leading groups that I think have a good ideas but weak leaders so they wouldn’t get what they need if I were not involved.

The reason for this question:

I am constantly afraid that I am a jerk and an asshole. Most recently, I may have inadvertently hurt a loved one — one of the few people I trust to tell me when I am being a jerk — when, high on adrenaline and not thinking clearly, I said some things I shouldn’t have when she was in a vulnerable spot. I am seeking advice on the following.

1. How can I get my adrenaline fix in a socially acceptable way? Stimulants help keep the edge off but they are not sufficient, and I’m wary of creating too much dependance on them. Violent sports and extreme pain work but as I get older my body is not up to that very often, and my other responsibilities make this not a great option. I’ve really found very little else that does this trick, aside from power pursuit. I have found that wishing away my need for adrenaline and stimulation does not end well; instead, I have to find a way to meet the need.

2. How can I tell when I’m being a controlling asshole vs when my influence is welcome? People do really seem to follow me and appreciate me, and I do think that a lot of time I really am doing good. But, knowing that people are taken in by charlatans and charismatic fools all of the time, the fact that people follow me does not reassure me that they should follow me or that I’m actually helping. I have tried to address this fear by cultivating a few trusted friends who can tell me when I’m overstepping. As I get higher up, though, these friends are rarer, and I trust less that they feel they can be straight with me.

I would appreciate any thoughts anyone has, from either side of this dynamic. Books or articles are welcome too. “Just don’t be a jerk” is not an answer. If I knew how to manage this -- if I knew how to recognise when I am being a jerk -- I wouldn’t be asking the question.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
A good pre-emptive strategy is to listen more than you talk.
posted by Sauce Trough at 2:56 PM on February 22, 2019 [20 favorites]


If you have good empathy you could try putting yourself in the shoes of your lower and middle ranking followers and ask : how would i feel if I was them? Is what I’m asking reasonable? Am I teaching them to fish? Am I giving them confidence and agency to be the best they can be?
posted by EatMyHat at 3:15 PM on February 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


Invest in a motorcycle and a competent therapist.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:27 PM on February 22, 2019 [19 favorites]


You should continue to seek out friends who are peers to you in power and influence, and friends for whom whatever your power dynamic is doesn't apply to them much. You have to actively get yourself out of the echo chamber that only tells you you're great, hangs on your every word, etc. Unless you're literally a billionaire surrounded by yes-people this shouldn't be too hard to do. If you're reluctant to make friends with people who are as accomplished as you are, that's a bit of a red flag that you're really seeking dominance instead of using your talents for good. You need people you can be vulnerable around, both to ground you but also to help you be better and get better.

Why not take up video games, or chess, or any one of many other competitive pursuits that are easier on the body and don't actually cause you to exert power over people?
posted by ch1x0r at 3:28 PM on February 22, 2019 [8 favorites]


Set up some kind of anonymous feedback system at work, with at least one question specifically about you.

Go to couples counseling. Go to individual therapy.

I question your need to label yourself as being one type of person. It may prove limiting over time and in various situations. I’m sure in the right context you would be a follower and not a leader - cultural festival? birthing class? Hopscotch? Something completely out of your gender/age/race category would do it.
posted by stockpuppet at 3:40 PM on February 22, 2019 [18 favorites]


Try to direct your adrenaline fix into the explit idea of power "to" vs power "over." That is, finding the wind behind your back in how to get things done vs controlling someone else. Sometimes that means being a champion for a cause with people who need a leader, which is an important role in the world. Film directors, for example, often need this kind of personality. In the same mode, you could direct your need to figure people out and control them into helping people find their own empowerment -- not easy to do and needs someone who can literally take a back seat as part of his "directing" things.
posted by nantucket at 3:51 PM on February 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


As I get higher up, though, these friends are rarer, and I trust less that they feel they can be straight with me.

If this is true, and not just a fear you have, then my guess is you're swinging your power around a LOT more, and more recklessly, than you realize. I have a number of friends who are wealthy, powerful, and influential. I'm not the slightest bit afraid to tell any of them anything. Because they don't have any power over me. They have more money than I have, and a blue checkmark by their twitter handles...they don't control my career, or provide me with material goods, or whatnot. Find people you have no power over. Trust me, they exist.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:57 PM on February 22, 2019 [34 favorites]


Be open to feedback from the people you have an impact on. You don't have to take them into your confidence, you don't have to respond right away to their feedback, you can take it home and mull over it and talk it out with someone you trust - but be open to hearing it.

I get adrenaline hits from learning/doing new things - trying things that other people find scary but that aren't necessarily physically challenging. Taking classes in all kinds of things, getting on stage, traveling.

I don't know your interests but if I was good at charisma I'd convince people to join informal volunteer groups and do various things to make my community a better place. Small things like picking up trash, pitching in at soup kitchens, etc.
posted by bunderful at 4:03 PM on February 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


Sauce Trough is right, listen more than you talk.
I was struck that in this paragraph -
"Most recently, I may have inadvertently hurt a loved one — one of the few people I trust to tell me when I am being a jerk — when, high on adrenaline and not thinking clearly, I said some things I shouldn’t have when she was in a vulnerable spot"
- you never mention what she said about it! "May have"? Did you ask her?
posted by synchronia at 4:04 PM on February 22, 2019 [8 favorites]


Also, I am not at all powerful but trying to be good still takes constant work. So far there is no simple rule. I have to keep asking myself "How is this working out for me? Do my actions result in harm for others? What motivates my behavior? Did I apologize when I should have? Do I have any icky feelings about my behavior that I need to explore further?" Those are just random questions and not the questions that can definitely determine whether I'm actually being a decent human.
posted by bunderful at 4:14 PM on February 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


360 degree feedback and a good leadership coach? I have access to many highly qualified coaches if it's anything you are interested in. If so, Memail me.
posted by Che boludo! at 4:37 PM on February 22, 2019


Is it possible you are a narcissist? That might be something to look at with a counselor. You're saying you have empathy, but is it possible you are also a bit sociopathic? Sociopaths can be terribly charming.

There are definitely ways to explore non-sexual dominance and submission, but that's something you would need to explore more through reading and then discuss with your partner.

Instead of extreme sports, how about plain old fitness and exercise? You said you are concerned about aging, so being in good physical shape will make it easier to do those other things. There are lots of sports with adrenaline that don't require top physical health, but being fit will make them all the easier.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:42 PM on February 22, 2019 [6 favorites]


A couple times, you speak of people "following" you. Who is following you, and for what purpose? You describe yourself as already being in a position of leadership, with a good career -- in what way is that insufficient to give you complex power challenges with the accompanying adrenaline fix?

Anyway, my advice to you is to become the CEO of a large and influential company and use your position to steer that company toward more ethical actions, setting an example for others to follow.
posted by prize bull octorok at 5:00 PM on February 22, 2019 [3 favorites]


You could get your fix from high stakes poker. If you have this much power and influence then you have money. That's a common outlet.

Your question makes me think this is really about the D/s, you went too far and you think it hurt your partner. And you're noticing how MUCH you liked having power over your partner and it's led to this question. I would say that questions about BDSM might get you very different answers than the generic question you've asked. The subreddit r/BDSM has some surprisingly useful information.

If you're concerned about your partner then ask them! Use the empathy you think you have to offer what you feel would be helpful to them.

I would highly recommend that you also put yourself around people that have more power than you, and that you try to learn some new things that don't come easily to you, because you need some humility. Humility actually makes a good leader great, so you'll win in the long run.
posted by crunchy potato at 5:46 PM on February 22, 2019 [11 favorites]


I'm a little trepidacious answering this, because the topline question is answerable, given your explication, while the more explicit questions thereafter, are almost inherently not...
How to be good, while being powerful?
Take responsibility for every decision that you've made as a leader. Own it, even when the outcomes aren't good, and acknowledge that they stem back to your call. If it was in error, fix it. as best you can. If it was an unforeseen happenstance, put that in front of your ego and wanting to be right, and configure the problem again so you can fix it. But for your own, humbling, head space, just remember that you have responsibility to the people who are affected by your behavior, continuously, and that you must be answerable for them, and those that follow your lead are dependent on you to make good decisions. For them. That's what real leadership is, after all, proving you care about the mission and the people who make it happen more than how it makes you look. Can you do that?

Honestly, I don't know what can be more humbling and grounding than that thought: What I say or do now will have deep consequences for everyone involved, and if there are adverse outcomes for anyone, it falls on me. What am I going to do, before and after, to mitigate any damage to anybody, (including me, but primarly everyone else)
posted by Cold Lurkey at 6:54 PM on February 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


I might be misunderstanding the psychology here, but is the obvious answer not to launch a startup aimed at changing the world in positive ways? Get your adrenaline from trying to get your next round of funding before the money runs out; use your empathy to inspire loyal staff and funders; seek power and domination via cornering the market in Whatever?
posted by salvia at 7:26 PM on February 22, 2019 [8 favorites]


I am most excited by complex power challenges.
How can I get my adrenaline fix in a socially acceptable way?
I’ve really found very little else that does this trick, aside from power pursuit. I have found that wishing away my need for adrenaline and stimulation does not end well; instead, I have to find a way to meet the need.


You answered your own question:

D/s dynamics really appeal to me and this freaks me out, because I don't see much of a way to feasibly fit this into my life without breaking my existing relationships. I very much do not want to break these relationships.


And then you answered it again.

If you've a need for this type of thing, it eventually will (and sounds like it's already beginning to in some ways) break your existing relationships and play out in socially unacceptable and destructive ways.

In all the ways you've described, a d/s relationship would fulfill.
posted by OnefortheLast at 9:00 PM on February 22, 2019


Whatever your stimulant usage is, reduce frequency. You are likely more affected than you think.

Violent sports and extreme pain work

Stick with what works. Look into hiring a professional Dom who can deliver what you need: extreme pain that doesn't require long-term physical recovery. Keep your existing relationships (provided they consent to the latter suggestion, of course).
posted by nicodine at 9:16 PM on February 22, 2019 [4 favorites]


regarding all these urgent desires for domination and control, are you really unable to derive any kind of satisfactory pleasure or catharsis from books or films or your own imagination? that is the tried and true arena for indulging any and all socially unacceptable desires that you can't morally act out and can't, or don't want to, rid yourself of. I am not talking about pornography.

you want and enjoy power. power is a fact but it is also an idea. crimes and class realities apart, a lot of social power over other people exists in the mind. so there are hard limits on how much pleasure you can ever get from the sensation of power if your imagination is as weak as you make it sound. meaning, if nothing is real to you unless it is literal. I couldn't stand to live inside those limits, and I'm not even a dominant high-powered whatsis on an upward trajectory to whatever.

tell yourself some stories. not the same old one about your dark charisma and the lure of the abyss; vary it up a little. go look at some art. I am not kidding. if you have so much empathy, you can enjoy the thrills of power by empathizing with the many powerful figures, real and fictional, who have less of a conscience than you. vicarious thrills are key to a well-balanced life.

this freaks me out,


freaking yourself out is a terrific source of adrenaline.

I can’t just
I wouldn't even know how to start
- I try really really hard
I am constantly afraid


these words of yours stand out from the rest. I believe they are all true to you but these ones seem extra true. this is what I would use therapy for if I were you.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:38 PM on February 22, 2019 [3 favorites]


Have you considered ballroom dance? You are utterly in charge (don't do west coast swing; the follow expects to improvise) of the movement and safety of your partner. (Downside: leading is really hard and you will have to handle sucking at it a lot for some time)
posted by batter_my_heart at 10:18 PM on February 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


Hi. While my primary advice is to go see a therapist, I do recognize what you describe: I have been known to get seemingly impossible things and persuade those who cannot be persuaded at a consistently high frequency. Among other things that I technically "shouldn't" be able to do given my being fat/Black/femme.

When I catch myself doing anything other than being humble and/or moving conscientiously re: how much real-ass passive influence I have, I start to ask myself:

Why does this feel good to me?

Why did this person giving me what I want feel good to me?

More specifically, where applicable: why did the absence of resistance feel good to me?

Am I safe right now? If not, what's making me feel unsafe, in any way?

Is there anything that I may be trying to protect myself from through the exertion of power?

(If feeling unsafe) Is there anything else that I can do to manage this feeling?

If it's just a power high and I'm not being truly threatened, then it's just ego. Ego can be managed. So can the feeling of being unsafe in absence of any real threats to your physical safety and wellbeing. As can actual threats to your emotional/spiritual wellbeing, such as toxic friendships.

You may benefit from using a similar battery of questions on a regular basis. It'll curb the power highs; meditate on why you may not want to get into the habit of indulging those. And I don't mean that in a lofty way, I mean literally sit down somewhere quiet and ask yourself that question. Then wait patiently to see what surfaces after the initial mental chatter subsides, and after you've suppressed the urge to follow any one particular thread of thought. It can take a while to get up to that, but I found it instrumental in identifying power challenges.

Also - seriously, even if you need to shop around a bit to find a great fit, therapy.

Best of luck to you.
posted by Ashen at 7:51 AM on February 23, 2019 [2 favorites]


Individual therapy does sound like a good idea.

In addition, I'd suggest taking a look at some of the literature on resilient leadership (link to Forbes article) and ethical leadership (another Forbes article), and setting yourself some challenges related to those principles.

[In my own case, I'm trying to have one deep conversation every day, using as many principles of active and deep listening as possible, and boy, does that transform your power relationships pretty darn quick. Almost immediately, many situations have become more complex but also much more interesting and rewarding. Highly recommended, but only if you are willing to truly rock your world view.]
posted by rpfields at 10:39 AM on February 23, 2019 [2 favorites]


Volunteer for an organisation whose core demographic you would be at best an ally for. (For example, if you're straight, an LGBTQ rights group that welcomes allies as members). DON'T vie for leadership. Shut up, listen, take direction.

There will likely be situations in that context where having someone with high charisma would be useful - for instance, meeting with politicians to advocate for a change in policy. Use your skills towards THEM. But do it under the direction of the organisation you're volunteering for - put their cause first.

You have a skill that could be pretty powerful when used for good. Be of service.
posted by divabat at 2:55 PM on February 24, 2019 [1 favorite]


You should be reminding yourself that you are a jerk and an asshole. Everyone is a jerk and an asshole at times, but you may need to actively remind yourself. If you don't, you may be swallowed whole by your need to be all powerful, and to keep chasing bigger highs.

The first thing a stock market investor does in the morning is look in the mirror and tell themselves that they are a loser. They do this so they won't accidentally start believing they are god while doing their job. If they do start thinking they're god, one of two things happens, they either run into a string of bad luck which emotionally cripples them, or they keep chasing that high with riskier bets, often also dabbling in more and more dangerous extracurricular activities outside of work until they inevitably crash and burn.

What I'm saying is that reminding yourself that you're a human being, and that you don't necessarily know what's best for everyone at all times is healthy. It may even have something to do with your personal success, because a lot of people in positions like yours fly too high and then can't handle the crash and burn. You need to have your edge, believe in yourself, believe you're in control, but also you need to cool off, find balance, admit your humanity, and walk away.

Anyway, this is a known phenomenon. I'm not sure what it's called, but I suspect there are professionals that deal specifically with this kind of stuff.
posted by xammerboy at 12:21 AM on February 25, 2019


Oh, on #1, did anyone suggest stock investing? Starting with a small amount of money that you can afford to lose, you might be able to grow a pot large enough that the gambles you're taking would give you real adrenaline. Again, I'm not recommending this as a financial strategy and I'd be careful not to let yourself gamble the money you actually need. You could preferentially invest in "positive" companies.
posted by salvia at 4:26 PM on March 16, 2019


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