A bit of Oooo, Matron? Bedroom gymnastics? Rumpy van Humpy?
February 21, 2019 7:53 AM   Subscribe

Without being crude, or too physically descriptive, what are good metaphors or entendres or figures of speech for an act of intimacy between two (or more) people? The context is for use within a speech to be given at a wedding reception that can be a little risque, but shouldn't be tiresomely crude - the audience may include families, people of a devout religious persuasion, and the people being referred to who, although open-minded, won't want blunt references. Thank you.
posted by Wordshore to Writing & Language (55 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
"making whoopee" is a classic, especially with a slightly older audience.
posted by brainmouse at 7:56 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


Snuggle time.
posted by TORunner at 7:59 AM on February 21 [2 favorites]


I use the term “adult extracurricular activities.”
posted by sara is disenchanted at 8:00 AM on February 21 [13 favorites]


Depending on the audience, you might get some mileage out of "Business Time".
posted by jb at 8:04 AM on February 21 [7 favorites]


"Adult Alone Time"
"Privacy"
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:06 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


Always been fond of a phrase Judy Blume used: "Love and other indoor sports"
posted by barchan at 8:09 AM on February 21 [6 favorites]


Brown chicken brown cow.
Horizontal mambo.
Assault with a friendly weapon.
Studying biology.

Also, every line from Grandpa's outtakes in Grumpy Old Men:

Looks like Chuck's going to enter the holy of all holies, "Coitus Uninterruptus".
Looks like Chuck's slipping her the old salami!
Looks like Chuck's taking the skin boat to tuna town!
Looks like Chuck's going put the hot dog in the bun!
Looks like Chuck's going for a ride on the wild baloney pony!
Looks like Chuck's a tom cat on the prowl - meow!
Looks like Chuck's taking the ol' log to the beaver!
Looks like Chuck's gonna bury his boner!
Looks like Chuck's taking ol' One-Eye to the optometrist!
posted by allkindsoftime at 8:10 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


Can you get away with "making the beast with two backs" and hat-tip it back to Shakespeare if anyone calls you out on it?

Much as I also love "coitus uninterruptus", if I were being slightly more serious and doing this myself I would probably go with "intimate relations" in a Rowan Atkinson voice.
posted by terretu at 8:14 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


My friend calls it "adult hugging"
posted by greta simone at 8:14 AM on February 21 [9 favorites]


"The beast with two backs" is Shakespearean.

Taking it downtown

doing the horizontal tango

playing full-contact chess (or checkers, or any other non-contact two or more person game)
posted by Mchelly at 8:16 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


Making whoopee is the correct answer.

If you are contemplating a speech that requires multiple such phrases, that is such an extraordinarily high-degree-of-difficulty thing to pull off well, in the environment you are talking about. Even repetition of "making whoopee" for comedic effect is risky. I guess you know that, but do you really really know it?
posted by sheldman at 8:19 AM on February 21 [10 favorites]


"Gettin' it on"
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:20 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


The ol slap and tickle, for the anglophiles in the audience
posted by Redhush at 8:22 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


"enthusiastically enjoying each other's company"
posted by VeritableSaintOfBrevity at 8:25 AM on February 21 [36 favorites]


“Crank up the Marvin Gaye playlist and .. ya know.”
posted by bunderful at 8:30 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


Executive Time
posted by sydnius at 8:31 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


"do the adult"

"Sexytime"
posted by SystematicAbuse at 8:32 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


Roll in the hay. Or roll in ze hay, depending on your audience.
posted by rachaelfaith at 8:33 AM on February 21 [4 favorites]


Sweaty Snuggles
posted by seanmpuckett at 8:41 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


If you purse your lips, smirk, and do just the right thing with your eyebrows, you can just leave a meaningful pause. Or say a knowing, drawn-out, "Ahhhhh," "Mmmmmm," or "Mmm-hmmmmm..." Or, "Mmmmm... you know..." Maybe flutter your hand in the air a little.

If you're talking about married people, "Connubial bliss" is always appreciated.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:46 AM on February 21 [4 favorites]


"doing what comes naturally"
posted by nonane at 8:53 AM on February 21 [2 favorites]


In THAT way. A conversation in That way. A horizontal conversation, (some syncopation in speech.) Singing with the mermaids. Dance with the ones that brung ya.
posted by Oyéah at 9:00 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


the audience may include families, people of a devout religious persuasion, and the people being referred to who, although open-minded, won't want blunt references.

My answer is none of these. There isn't a single suggestion here that wouldn't have absolutely horrified my mother, who wasn't even religious. My deeply religious daughter would be horrified as well, especially if her kids were there. She might walk out.
posted by FencingGal at 9:04 AM on February 21 [20 favorites]


Posh ‘n becks (or just posh), knee trembler, slap and tickle, bread and butter, shag, shenanigans, snog all come to mind but might be a bit too forward.
posted by saucysault at 9:05 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


I always grin at the Judge John Hodgman podcast's commitment to "hugging and kissing" as a description of all intimate bedroom acts.
posted by deludingmyself at 9:09 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


Canoodling.
posted by carmicha at 9:19 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


How's your father
posted by Trivia Newton John at 9:24 AM on February 21 [2 favorites]


Frisky business
posted by SaltySalticid at 9:29 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


I lean towards FencingGal's comment that literally none of these would not avoid horrifying / offending someone at a wedding reception (including, if I were the bride, me), but sensibilities vary wildly among groups of people.

The only one I think would possibly pass is VeritableSaintOfBrevity's "enthusiastically enjoying each other's company".
posted by kellygrape at 9:36 AM on February 21 [7 favorites]


2nding The Underpants Monster, in this context I would leave it unsaid and communicate it through a non-verbal cue. A knowing pause with some eyebrow raises can convey quite a lot. So can a well timed throat clearing.
posted by matrixclown at 9:40 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


Stephen King referred to this in his book On Writing as "getting friendly" (as in "we were desperately broke when I was starting out so we really appreciated when I made any kind of sale - we paid off all the outstanding bills, maybe bought a couple toys for the kids, and then my wife and I probably got friendly").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:48 AM on February 21 [6 favorites]


From the other end of the spectrum - so non-religious, very open about sex - any cutesy wording will likely make me cringe, mostly because I suffer terribly from vicarious embarrassment. "Making whopee" would make me want to crawl under my seat.

"Getting friendly" is definitely a decent option, but is there any reason why you can't just talk about being intimate in the context of marriage? (If you have to. Do you have to? /cringe).
posted by lydhre at 10:02 AM on February 21 [4 favorites]


I counsel against doing this unless you are an extremely adept public speaker, and also have the thumbs up from the people being married. I am not at all religious or easily shocked, but I would die if someone at my wedding went in this direction in their speech, in front of all my old, religious relatives and parents, to whom I would probably later have to apologize for you. Please think about whether or not you're opening the door for the people you're there to celebrate to have to manage offended loved ones, because that is not a kindness to them on their wedding day. ("Getting friendly" is probably the best if you do need to go there.)
posted by Countess Sandwich at 10:16 AM on February 21 [11 favorites]


Bloom County fans will recognize the phrase "sweaty snugglebunnies".
posted by matildaben at 10:22 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


The gentle indignities
posted by j_curiouser at 10:33 AM on February 21 [8 favorites]


Getting busy.
Getting down to business
posted by jgirl at 10:35 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


Yeah I cannot imagine anyway of referring to this that wouldn't seriously be a problem at a wedding in my family, but also the very fact that it was being referred to in that situation would horrify and alienate a lot of them.
posted by Polychrome at 10:38 AM on February 21 [2 favorites]


"Netflix and chill"
posted by thetarium at 10:45 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


Sexy fun time
400 euphemisms for sex
Bonking
Snogging (kissing)
posted by theora55 at 11:05 AM on February 21 [1 favorite]


I'm going to assume that you have the thumbs up from the bride and groom and you actually want to do this.

I'd like to make the case that the words that you use 100% don't matter. The shocking thing isn't the words (assuming you're not using obvious profanity), but that you're referring to sex at all. So, while there may be socially more accepted ways to refer to it, it really doesn't matter.

For example, saying something like, "So, Millie and Tom were [meaningful pause] 'doing their taxes' ..." or "Millie and Tom were [meaningful pause] 'walking the dog' [wink]"

Or "baking a cake" or "grocery shopping", etc., etc., etc.

It's not the specific phrase that matters. It's the delivery and the context. If you are attached to doing this, maybe pick a euphemistic phrase that's meaningful for the couple. Maybe Millie is a professional programmer and they're "debugging code."
posted by Betelgeuse at 11:09 AM on February 21 [15 favorites]


Bumping uglies.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 11:09 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


Fulfilling their conjugal responsibilities. Taking their conjugal rights. Consummating the marriage. Waiving the Petrine Privilege. Rending an annulment impossible. Going forth and starting attempts to multiply.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:22 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


Conjugating
posted by Mchelly at 11:24 AM on February 21 [3 favorites]


A bit of the other.
posted by billiebee at 12:12 PM on February 21 [2 favorites]


"Goings On"

"taking tea with the parson"
posted by Fuchsoid at 12:48 PM on February 21 [1 favorite]


I once ended a best man's toast with "May all your ins and outs and ups and downs be between the sheets" which got a good laugh in a fairly conservative crowd.
posted by Twicketface at 1:11 PM on February 21 [5 favorites]


You could get all biblical with "knowing" or "knew". Could go super biblical and refer to seeing the groom's feet.
posted by jadepearl at 3:38 PM on February 21 [1 favorite]


Thanks to those - nearly all here - who answered the actual question; there is a good range of suggestions here, thankfully nothing too blasphemous, and between three and five in particular am probably going to weave into the speech which am writing now. This will be wedding speech number 12 for me; I know the bride and groom very well, and in fact speech number 11 was given at the wedding of the bride's brother, a horse breeder, last fall. That speech was based around this anecdote, which went down very extremely well (the laughing meant that dessert had to be postponed a few minutes). There's a large overlap between that audience and this one, so am needing new material, hence this AskMeFi.

If you are attached to doing this, maybe pick a euphemistic phrase that's meaningful for the couple. Maybe Millie is a professional programmer and they're "debugging code."

That was unintentionally very funny, as the bride is the assistant manager of a branch of Ann Summers. Ironically that's the one thing I was told I couldn't include at all i.e. mention of their products, for HR/PR issues.

The few 'replies' that were a bit weird, based around incorrect and imaginary assumptions, or a la "Heavens to Betsy my mother would be sooo offended" erm so what - your mother isn't invited, I know the people who are, you don't know any of them, and as you weirdly chose to answer a different and imaginary "would this offend your mother?" question, I've flagged and/or eyerolled at them for being irrelevant. It's not how AskMeFi works. Anyway, my local Church of England vicar has (checks her feed) yep tweeted racier stuff than any of the suggestions here (in my parish it's 2018, not 1820), so maybe don't bring your mother to any of her services ;)

Marked as resolved; toodle pip.
posted by Wordshore at 3:47 PM on February 21 [4 favorites]


"Netflix and chill"

Is THAT what that means? I feel so twentieth-century!
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:47 PM on February 21 [5 favorites]


(2019, even)(I'm so glad we don't still use chequebooks, as I used to write the previous year for several months into the new one)
posted by Wordshore at 4:02 PM on February 21


One that always made me chuckle: "They're playing the bed spring concerto"
posted by james33 at 5:14 AM on February 22 [1 favorite]


You say this is resolved, but I still wanted to add: "making time." Or "making time to make time," as in Son of a Preacher Man.
posted by CiaoMela at 7:56 AM on February 22 [1 favorite]


Bedroom Festivities
posted by twin_A at 3:06 PM on February 22 [1 favorite]


The speech was given and it went down very well (it looks like I'll be doing wedding speech #13 off the back of it after Easter, which means more cake and wine). There's a more detailed write-up of the wedding reception over on the new MetaTalk.

Thanks for all the suggestions of things to say, either used or unused. These made it in:

* “Intimate relations” by terretu.
* “Adult hugging” by greta simone.
* “Enthusiastically enjoying each other's company” by VeritableSaintOfBrevity - noting that got 35 favorites and, as it generated one of the largest laughs of the whole evening, MeFites called it correctly.
* “Getting friendly” by EmpressCallipygos.
* “A bit of the other” by billiebee.
* “Making time to make time” by CiaoMel - although the speech was written by the time this suggestion was made, I managed to slip that one inside to everyone's satisfaction.
posted by Wordshore at 4:45 AM on February 24 [7 favorites]


As a brief updated-update, the speech seems to have worked very well. Thanks again, those MeFites who got into the spirit of it, answered the question and came up with good suggestions - especially those that were used. A consequence being that, off the back of it, I've been asked to do speeches at three(!) further wedding receptions later on in 2019.

(Now starting to think: could this be an alternate career?)
posted by Wordshore at 5:03 AM on March 20 [2 favorites]


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