Was this assault?
February 21, 2019 2:07 AM Subscribe
I've been reading a lot about #MeToo and books associated with sexual assault, domestic violence, and other types of violence. I think I may have been assaulted, but I'm not sure. (NSFW)
In the past, I told two separate boyfriends what they were not allowed to do because I was waiting for marriage to have sex. One of those not-allowed actions was to put their finger(s) inside me when we were making out.
Both of these boyfriends did so anyway, and I immediately stopped everything. I told them I had said I didn't want that, and that was one of my rules. I had also repeated that rule before the make-out session. I broke up with both people who did this almost immediately. They both stalked me for several months after the break-up.
Was this sexual assault?
In the past, I told two separate boyfriends what they were not allowed to do because I was waiting for marriage to have sex. One of those not-allowed actions was to put their finger(s) inside me when we were making out.
Both of these boyfriends did so anyway, and I immediately stopped everything. I told them I had said I didn't want that, and that was one of my rules. I had also repeated that rule before the make-out session. I broke up with both people who did this almost immediately. They both stalked me for several months after the break-up.
Was this sexual assault?
Yes
posted by missmagenta at 2:39 AM on February 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by missmagenta at 2:39 AM on February 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
Yes, clear-cut.
posted by inire at 2:45 AM on February 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by inire at 2:45 AM on February 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
Yes, absolutely.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:11 AM on February 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 3:11 AM on February 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
Definite assault. You don't say how you feel about it, but however you feel your feelings are valid. Perhaps you don't feel particularly traumatized and if so then that's great, but it was definitely, definitely assault.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:26 AM on February 21, 2019 [22 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:26 AM on February 21, 2019 [22 favorites]
Absolutely. You set and communicated a clear sexual boundary. They violated that boundary.
posted by kokaku at 4:05 AM on February 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by kokaku at 4:05 AM on February 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
Oh yeah. You said no, they didn't listen. That's assault.
posted by james33 at 4:50 AM on February 21, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by james33 at 4:50 AM on February 21, 2019 [6 favorites]
They both stalked me for several months after the break-up.
Was this sexual assault?
Yes it was, and both the perpetrators were arseholes.
posted by flabdablet at 5:25 AM on February 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
Was this sexual assault?
Yes it was, and both the perpetrators were arseholes.
posted by flabdablet at 5:25 AM on February 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
This is assault. You said don't do that, they did it, that's assault.
Also they're assholes beyond that for stalking you, that's super fucked up.
posted by bile and syntax at 5:36 AM on February 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
Also they're assholes beyond that for stalking you, that's super fucked up.
posted by bile and syntax at 5:36 AM on February 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
In my city this can be prosecuted as assault. (In theory. In practice you have all the usual problems of prosecuting an event that had no witnesses, no documentation, and no physical evidence.)
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 5:45 AM on February 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 5:45 AM on February 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
Text book cases of assault.
posted by AugustWest at 6:11 AM on February 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 6:11 AM on February 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
Totally assault. Be proud of yourself for kicking these assholes to the curb for violating your boundaries.
posted by corey flood at 6:23 AM on February 21, 2019 [21 favorites]
posted by corey flood at 6:23 AM on February 21, 2019 [21 favorites]
Legally the definition is going to vary depending on where you are, but in practical terms I would absolutely call this assault. The stalking afterwards is the icing on the cake; sounds like you are well rid of them.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:00 AM on February 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Dip Flash at 7:00 AM on February 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
Yes.
Also keep in mind that something doesn't have to fit the dictionary definition of assault to feel like an assault to you. If you're pressing charges or making public accusations, the legal definitions will take over, but otherwise you are free to consider it whatever you want for purposes of coping with it.
posted by praemunire at 7:44 AM on February 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
Also keep in mind that something doesn't have to fit the dictionary definition of assault to feel like an assault to you. If you're pressing charges or making public accusations, the legal definitions will take over, but otherwise you are free to consider it whatever you want for purposes of coping with it.
posted by praemunire at 7:44 AM on February 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
yes. violating a clearly set boundary is assault, misconduct or molestation (depending on local law)
But you get to contextualize your own experience, what it is to you is what it is.
posted by French Fry at 7:45 AM on February 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
But you get to contextualize your own experience, what it is to you is what it is.
posted by French Fry at 7:45 AM on February 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm a lawyer who works with victims of sexual assault. I don't know if you're looking for a legal perspective, but I'll offer one in case it's helpful. I'm licensed in two jurisdictions that have somewhat different definitions for terms like rape, sexual assault, indecent assault, etc. That's pretty common. There have been some proposals for uniform criminal laws, but mostly we have fifty states whose laws were written at different times, and this is a subject of criminal law that—more than some others, like burglary or arson—has been subject to shifting definitions and standards. I'm not sure it's always helpful to start by thinking in specific terminology like, "Did this meet the definition of assault?"
But to the extent you're asking whether what those two boyfriends did was something that can be prosecuted as a crime: Yes. In every jurisdiction I'm familiar with, what you're describing can be prosecuted as a crime. And I emphasize my expertise on that point because in working with victims I've learned it's very common for police to say, "No, there's nothing we can do about that," when in fact that's false and what happened was, unquestionably, a crime for which someone can be arrested and prosecuted.
I'm sorry for what happened to you.
posted by cribcage at 8:40 AM on February 21, 2019 [9 favorites]
But to the extent you're asking whether what those two boyfriends did was something that can be prosecuted as a crime: Yes. In every jurisdiction I'm familiar with, what you're describing can be prosecuted as a crime. And I emphasize my expertise on that point because in working with victims I've learned it's very common for police to say, "No, there's nothing we can do about that," when in fact that's false and what happened was, unquestionably, a crime for which someone can be arrested and prosecuted.
I'm sorry for what happened to you.
posted by cribcage at 8:40 AM on February 21, 2019 [9 favorites]
I'll add to the choruses of Yes here.
Also, it kind of sucks, accepting that you have been a victim of assault. It's something you've been living with since it happened, and coming to the realization that it was assault, and you are a victim...I dunno, it's just like "OK, what now?"
As cribcage implicated, the criminal justice system is an option, depending on statutes of limitations in your locale. That's kind of the nuclear option, but it is an option and if you feel it is important for you, you should by all means pursue it.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself, however, is to find safe, supportive people and/or venues where you can hear from others - because sadly this does happen to lots of people - and potentially some day tell your story yourself and allow another person(s) to hold it with you and share your grieving over it. The biggest takeaway I've had from therapy is that "it's OK to not be OK." And it's OK to talk to someone about it and get help with it. Don't try to shoulder it alone.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:44 AM on February 21, 2019
Also, it kind of sucks, accepting that you have been a victim of assault. It's something you've been living with since it happened, and coming to the realization that it was assault, and you are a victim...I dunno, it's just like "OK, what now?"
As cribcage implicated, the criminal justice system is an option, depending on statutes of limitations in your locale. That's kind of the nuclear option, but it is an option and if you feel it is important for you, you should by all means pursue it.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself, however, is to find safe, supportive people and/or venues where you can hear from others - because sadly this does happen to lots of people - and potentially some day tell your story yourself and allow another person(s) to hold it with you and share your grieving over it. The biggest takeaway I've had from therapy is that "it's OK to not be OK." And it's OK to talk to someone about it and get help with it. Don't try to shoulder it alone.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:44 AM on February 21, 2019
Yes.
Without clear consent, that is sexual assault. It would be sexual assault if you did it to a random stranger on the street, and it is sexual assault if you do it to someone who has told you "don't do that."
posted by adamrice at 10:15 AM on February 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
Without clear consent, that is sexual assault. It would be sexual assault if you did it to a random stranger on the street, and it is sexual assault if you do it to someone who has told you "don't do that."
posted by adamrice at 10:15 AM on February 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
With apologies for posting twice:
As cribcage implicated, the criminal justice system is an option
I didn't mean to imply that. It's true, of course, but I didn't mean to imply it. I understood your question, OP, to be asking simply about framing. I find it's very common for victims to want some understanding of, "Was this a crime?" solely for their own internal processing—emotionally, psychologically, etc—and quite apart from any thoughts about actually turning to the criminal justice system (pro versus con).
That's the sense in which I was trying to answer. I didn't mean to imply anything beyond what's written on the page.
posted by cribcage at 11:00 AM on February 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
As cribcage implicated, the criminal justice system is an option
I didn't mean to imply that. It's true, of course, but I didn't mean to imply it. I understood your question, OP, to be asking simply about framing. I find it's very common for victims to want some understanding of, "Was this a crime?" solely for their own internal processing—emotionally, psychologically, etc—and quite apart from any thoughts about actually turning to the criminal justice system (pro versus con).
That's the sense in which I was trying to answer. I didn't mean to imply anything beyond what's written on the page.
posted by cribcage at 11:00 AM on February 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Definitely sexual assault. Depending where you are, it might be rape. It would be rape if it happened here.
posted by robcorr at 2:20 PM on February 21, 2019
posted by robcorr at 2:20 PM on February 21, 2019
Yes, it was. I'm sorry.
posted by sarcasticah at 9:39 AM on February 23, 2019
posted by sarcasticah at 9:39 AM on February 23, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 2:10 AM on February 21, 2019 [20 favorites]