another hpv question
February 20, 2019 2:12 AM Subscribe
I'm 23 and I have a cervix. Gyno detected HPV. I feel absolutely awful and tainted and like my life has been ruined. How do I stop spiraling?
Went to a new gyno to get a new IUD put in and they found abnormal cervical cells and then tested for HPV, got a "detected" result. It's not 6, 11, 16 or 18. Colposcopy on Thursday, but my doctor said she expects the abnormal cells to be the result of a very stressed cervix (the IUD insertion was very very hard and not good, I had just had sex two days before, I had just taken out my old IUD myself [I know this is stupid] a couple days before).
I'm feeling very devastated and sad and like I will never be desirable/sexy/lovable ever again. I know this is irrational and guided by my extremely out of control anxiety. I've had insurance issues and am working on getting on meds to get my brain in order but that is not possible until an appointment opens up in the next few weeks (I'm really working on this and trying my best to cope and/or find someone who will see me sooner). I don't have a therapist yet either because of said insurance issues. The getting on meds subject hurts; I've had a lot of issues with the insurance, being blown off my doctors, etc and it's really fucking hard to go through this process with my anxiety/depression as they are right now.
They updated my online medical chart so I saw the test results and had two days to spiral before an NP called me to tell me the news, despite calling to ask and get more info as soon as I saw the update. She was very unconcerned, said it's not at all a big deal, that I shouldn't feel obligated to disclose to anyone, that I needed to schedule a colposcopy but they didn't anticipate finding anything too significant. I got the Gardasil vaccine before I became sexually active. I'm going to ask them about Gardasil 9 when I go in on Thursday. Can I ask them to give me pain meds for the colposcopy? There's no one that can go with me and after the very bad painful IUD insertion I'm feeling really nervous.
I feel so, so dirty. I would never think that about anyone else! I know a large percentage of the population has/had (??) HPV, and since I go to the gyno regularly, I will probably not get cancer. As far as I know my strain is or could be totally asymptomatic (??) and it was really just kind of painful serendipity that I know I have it at all. In moments with more clarity (or whatever), I don't even have feelings about the HPV itself, since it seems like it's just kind of part of being a sexually active person; just wish I didn't know about it.
Intellectually, I know this is self-loathing and anxiety at work. I feel like I can never have sex with anyone ever again. I have a partner (long term monogamous relationship with no condom usage), who I immediately told, and they were amazing and very supportive and said that this is pretty much meaningless information if the colposcopy turns out ok. They said it's not a big deal and I shouldn't feel like I need to disclose and that I'm definitely not tainted or anything, which the two friends I told also said. (cw for this part) I'm just so upset. I was raped a year and a half ago and I keep fixating on the possibility that this person gave it to me. I know the "who gave it to me" path is not productive with HPV.
My question is: how can I talk myself down from this spiral? I hate that I'm having such shame-filled thoughts. I hate that this has triggered a horrible self-hate vortex. I hate that I keep thinking that I'm tainted forever. I feel like I will never be able to have sex with anyone ever again because of the HPV, and that no one will understand if/when I disclose. (Everyone I've talked to says I shouldn't feel like I need to disclose, especially if my doctor's speculation is true and my HPV is just kind of there, without the warts and cancer. Thoughts?) I'm totally fixated on this; I walk in a room and wonder who has HPV, I'll be watching tv and just start crying about it, I can't stop rehashing my anxieties with my partner and best friends. It has interrupted my life. Writing this question has been very hard. I'm also sort of confused about how HPV works despite reading the CDC and Planned Parenthood sites and I think I can't get my brain to work properly in order to comprehend what it all means. Sorry for being so pathetic/irrational/scattered with this--turned out pretty long. thanks.
Went to a new gyno to get a new IUD put in and they found abnormal cervical cells and then tested for HPV, got a "detected" result. It's not 6, 11, 16 or 18. Colposcopy on Thursday, but my doctor said she expects the abnormal cells to be the result of a very stressed cervix (the IUD insertion was very very hard and not good, I had just had sex two days before, I had just taken out my old IUD myself [I know this is stupid] a couple days before).
I'm feeling very devastated and sad and like I will never be desirable/sexy/lovable ever again. I know this is irrational and guided by my extremely out of control anxiety. I've had insurance issues and am working on getting on meds to get my brain in order but that is not possible until an appointment opens up in the next few weeks (I'm really working on this and trying my best to cope and/or find someone who will see me sooner). I don't have a therapist yet either because of said insurance issues. The getting on meds subject hurts; I've had a lot of issues with the insurance, being blown off my doctors, etc and it's really fucking hard to go through this process with my anxiety/depression as they are right now.
They updated my online medical chart so I saw the test results and had two days to spiral before an NP called me to tell me the news, despite calling to ask and get more info as soon as I saw the update. She was very unconcerned, said it's not at all a big deal, that I shouldn't feel obligated to disclose to anyone, that I needed to schedule a colposcopy but they didn't anticipate finding anything too significant. I got the Gardasil vaccine before I became sexually active. I'm going to ask them about Gardasil 9 when I go in on Thursday. Can I ask them to give me pain meds for the colposcopy? There's no one that can go with me and after the very bad painful IUD insertion I'm feeling really nervous.
I feel so, so dirty. I would never think that about anyone else! I know a large percentage of the population has/had (??) HPV, and since I go to the gyno regularly, I will probably not get cancer. As far as I know my strain is or could be totally asymptomatic (??) and it was really just kind of painful serendipity that I know I have it at all. In moments with more clarity (or whatever), I don't even have feelings about the HPV itself, since it seems like it's just kind of part of being a sexually active person; just wish I didn't know about it.
Intellectually, I know this is self-loathing and anxiety at work. I feel like I can never have sex with anyone ever again. I have a partner (long term monogamous relationship with no condom usage), who I immediately told, and they were amazing and very supportive and said that this is pretty much meaningless information if the colposcopy turns out ok. They said it's not a big deal and I shouldn't feel like I need to disclose and that I'm definitely not tainted or anything, which the two friends I told also said. (cw for this part) I'm just so upset. I was raped a year and a half ago and I keep fixating on the possibility that this person gave it to me. I know the "who gave it to me" path is not productive with HPV.
My question is: how can I talk myself down from this spiral? I hate that I'm having such shame-filled thoughts. I hate that this has triggered a horrible self-hate vortex. I hate that I keep thinking that I'm tainted forever. I feel like I will never be able to have sex with anyone ever again because of the HPV, and that no one will understand if/when I disclose. (Everyone I've talked to says I shouldn't feel like I need to disclose, especially if my doctor's speculation is true and my HPV is just kind of there, without the warts and cancer. Thoughts?) I'm totally fixated on this; I walk in a room and wonder who has HPV, I'll be watching tv and just start crying about it, I can't stop rehashing my anxieties with my partner and best friends. It has interrupted my life. Writing this question has been very hard. I'm also sort of confused about how HPV works despite reading the CDC and Planned Parenthood sites and I think I can't get my brain to work properly in order to comprehend what it all means. Sorry for being so pathetic/irrational/scattered with this--turned out pretty long. thanks.
You might not be thinking it consciously, but I wouldn't be surprised if part of your shame was about the shame itself. Thanks to your intelligence you're very aware of the irrationality of fretting this much, and yet knowing that doesn't make it go away. "Spiral" is a good word you used and it could apply to that sub-pattern of the larger whole here. Smart people are especially susceptible to stress at the fact that their own brains generate all this seemingly pointless gobbeldygook like stress.
So maybe you need to give yourself just a little permission for the shame -- not to dwell in it, but to realize that some of it would be unavoidable in your circumstances. You've got normal human instincts about notions like "disease", plus years of social conditioning, plus the way you relate it to your horrible experience, which is probably the biggest multiplier and definitely worth finding a therapist for -- I bet Planned Parenthood has connections that could help.
I'm only familiar with Marie Kondo's show through cultural osmosis so I may be screwing up this reference, but perhaps part of letting your shame (and other negatives) fall into the background of your life, where it's more manageable... is a simple mantra of "thanking" it (I think that's what she tells people to do with stuff they've accumulated and don't need anymore). Your stress had a job to do, it's more than done it, and now it's allowed to go.
posted by InTheYear2017 at 3:22 AM on February 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
So maybe you need to give yourself just a little permission for the shame -- not to dwell in it, but to realize that some of it would be unavoidable in your circumstances. You've got normal human instincts about notions like "disease", plus years of social conditioning, plus the way you relate it to your horrible experience, which is probably the biggest multiplier and definitely worth finding a therapist for -- I bet Planned Parenthood has connections that could help.
I'm only familiar with Marie Kondo's show through cultural osmosis so I may be screwing up this reference, but perhaps part of letting your shame (and other negatives) fall into the background of your life, where it's more manageable... is a simple mantra of "thanking" it (I think that's what she tells people to do with stuff they've accumulated and don't need anymore). Your stress had a job to do, it's more than done it, and now it's allowed to go.
posted by InTheYear2017 at 3:22 AM on February 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're hurting.
I had similar feelings after contracting HSV-1 and HPV from rape. I am ok now, and you will be too.
The good news is — what you've got is no odder than a common cold. Nearly every sexually active human being gets HPV at some point in their lives. 90% of cases clear in two years or less. Your body is very good at fighting it! The virus is likely to be harmless and you won't have any symptoms at all. If you're anxious about spreading it, use barriers with partners. It's transmitted via skin-to-skin contact so that's one worry you can control.
My sense of self and sexuality was very disrupted after my experience. I felt deep grief and anger for a long time. I decided early on to sit with those feelings, and let them wash over me without sweeping me away. Feel the feels, but hold your judgement back. Let your pain explore your body. It's the second order feels — the feels about your feels — that form a spiral.
I healed by leaning into my sexuality. I had more sex, and better. I learned more about my body, my preferences, my consent. I said "No" just to say it. I said "Yes" only when I was truly and utterly delighted.
You will have all the sex. You are lovable. You are desirable.
Disclosure, if you choose to do it, is a tremendous filter. Anyone who would treat you poorly is not worth your time. (Personally I don't think you need to disclose. I don't disclose about HSV-1 unless I want to have sex in a way that would expose my partner. You have a low-risk strain of a very mild virus. I doubt most people will bat an eye.)
posted by aw jeez at 3:25 AM on February 20, 2019 [16 favorites]
I had similar feelings after contracting HSV-1 and HPV from rape. I am ok now, and you will be too.
The good news is — what you've got is no odder than a common cold. Nearly every sexually active human being gets HPV at some point in their lives. 90% of cases clear in two years or less. Your body is very good at fighting it! The virus is likely to be harmless and you won't have any symptoms at all. If you're anxious about spreading it, use barriers with partners. It's transmitted via skin-to-skin contact so that's one worry you can control.
My sense of self and sexuality was very disrupted after my experience. I felt deep grief and anger for a long time. I decided early on to sit with those feelings, and let them wash over me without sweeping me away. Feel the feels, but hold your judgement back. Let your pain explore your body. It's the second order feels — the feels about your feels — that form a spiral.
I healed by leaning into my sexuality. I had more sex, and better. I learned more about my body, my preferences, my consent. I said "No" just to say it. I said "Yes" only when I was truly and utterly delighted.
You will have all the sex. You are lovable. You are desirable.
Disclosure, if you choose to do it, is a tremendous filter. Anyone who would treat you poorly is not worth your time. (Personally I don't think you need to disclose. I don't disclose about HSV-1 unless I want to have sex in a way that would expose my partner. You have a low-risk strain of a very mild virus. I doubt most people will bat an eye.)
posted by aw jeez at 3:25 AM on February 20, 2019 [16 favorites]
I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time dealing with this news. It is understandable to have these feelings of shame and fear, because of how our culture talks about STIs and sex in general. So please don't pile on more self-loathing about the fact that you are feeling shame. You feel what you feel, and that is okay.
At the same time, please know that from my perspective as a late-30s sexually active person, HPV is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in the least. It is extremely common, and very manageable. As you know, most people's bodies clear the infection on their own in a couple of years. Just to let you know, I talk about this with my female friends and when it comes up, everyone is like, "Oh yeah, I had it at one point, and then it cleared." Like, it is SO COMMON that we will all be sitting around nodding like, "Oh right, of course we've all had HPV, practically everyone has had it!" It is really really not a big deal or anything to be ashamed of. It really is basically like a cold (except for fewer symptoms and it takes longer to clear).
That said, I was unsettled when I found out I had it, and it took me a bit of time to get over the feelings of being tainted in some way. (I did end up clearing it just fine, with no complications.) That's just that we all take in messed up messages about sex and it takes awhile to undo them. So just be gentle with yourself and give yourself time.
Yes, you can definitely ask for pain medication for the colposcopy. They might just advise a strong dose of ibuprofen but that will help. Call them ahead of time and tell them you are very nervous.
I also don't think you need to disclose, but if doing so would make you feel better, you can decide to do that as part of a whole conversation about sexual health and expectations with your partners. I would encourage you to think about it in the context of the whole conversation, not to think that it is this big Thing you have to Tell Them.
It does sound like some of your reaction might have to do with the rape, and I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. I hope the insurance stuff works out and you are able to see a therapist soon! Sending you good wishes. You are going to get through this!
posted by aka burlap at 5:10 AM on February 20, 2019 [6 favorites]
At the same time, please know that from my perspective as a late-30s sexually active person, HPV is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in the least. It is extremely common, and very manageable. As you know, most people's bodies clear the infection on their own in a couple of years. Just to let you know, I talk about this with my female friends and when it comes up, everyone is like, "Oh yeah, I had it at one point, and then it cleared." Like, it is SO COMMON that we will all be sitting around nodding like, "Oh right, of course we've all had HPV, practically everyone has had it!" It is really really not a big deal or anything to be ashamed of. It really is basically like a cold (except for fewer symptoms and it takes longer to clear).
That said, I was unsettled when I found out I had it, and it took me a bit of time to get over the feelings of being tainted in some way. (I did end up clearing it just fine, with no complications.) That's just that we all take in messed up messages about sex and it takes awhile to undo them. So just be gentle with yourself and give yourself time.
Yes, you can definitely ask for pain medication for the colposcopy. They might just advise a strong dose of ibuprofen but that will help. Call them ahead of time and tell them you are very nervous.
I also don't think you need to disclose, but if doing so would make you feel better, you can decide to do that as part of a whole conversation about sexual health and expectations with your partners. I would encourage you to think about it in the context of the whole conversation, not to think that it is this big Thing you have to Tell Them.
It does sound like some of your reaction might have to do with the rape, and I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. I hope the insurance stuff works out and you are able to see a therapist soon! Sending you good wishes. You are going to get through this!
posted by aka burlap at 5:10 AM on February 20, 2019 [6 favorites]
I am 10 years older than you and didn't get the vaccine because when it was first offered to me I was over 25 and back then (don't know if it's different now? I should check) they weren't recommending it to women over 25.
Almost exactly a year ago I went in to get my IUD removed and my pap showed HPV. For a little while I felt bad for not getting pushing to get the vaccine when I was younger, I felt bad for all the casual sex I've had even though I've had plenty of pap tests and STD tests during and since, and I felt bad for being baseline "tainted". Then I told friends and they were all "lol me too, when's your colposcopy" and I got over it. Talk to people your age or a little older who you trust. HPV is not a big deal and is dirt common.
So anyway, a few weeks later I went in for a colposcopy. I asked my gyn for a prescription for a 5mg Valium I could take before the appointment, which is an extremely reasonable and normal request. I highly recommend you do this. It made a huge difference for me. Colposcopy was honestly no big deal, it was about as uncomfortable for me as a pap smear and I'd rather have 10 more colposcopies than get another IUD jimmied through my cervix.
Went in for a 6 month follow up pap: no abnormal cells.
Just had my annual exam a few weeks ago: no abnormal cells, no presence of HPV.
I'm back to a regular old annual exam because the ol' cervix is fine now. It's all just a memory at this point.
You are fine. You will be fine. This really is all ok. Talk to your friends and let yourself feel better about this.
Definitely ask for that Valium though for your colposcopy.
posted by phunniemee at 5:12 AM on February 20, 2019 [7 favorites]
Almost exactly a year ago I went in to get my IUD removed and my pap showed HPV. For a little while I felt bad for not getting pushing to get the vaccine when I was younger, I felt bad for all the casual sex I've had even though I've had plenty of pap tests and STD tests during and since, and I felt bad for being baseline "tainted". Then I told friends and they were all "lol me too, when's your colposcopy" and I got over it. Talk to people your age or a little older who you trust. HPV is not a big deal and is dirt common.
So anyway, a few weeks later I went in for a colposcopy. I asked my gyn for a prescription for a 5mg Valium I could take before the appointment, which is an extremely reasonable and normal request. I highly recommend you do this. It made a huge difference for me. Colposcopy was honestly no big deal, it was about as uncomfortable for me as a pap smear and I'd rather have 10 more colposcopies than get another IUD jimmied through my cervix.
Went in for a 6 month follow up pap: no abnormal cells.
Just had my annual exam a few weeks ago: no abnormal cells, no presence of HPV.
I'm back to a regular old annual exam because the ol' cervix is fine now. It's all just a memory at this point.
You are fine. You will be fine. This really is all ok. Talk to your friends and let yourself feel better about this.
Definitely ask for that Valium though for your colposcopy.
posted by phunniemee at 5:12 AM on February 20, 2019 [7 favorites]
My question is: how can I talk myself down from this spiral? I hate that I'm having such shame-filled thoughts. I hate that this has triggered a horrible self-hate vortex. I hate that I keep thinking that I'm tainted forever. I feel like I will never be able to have sex with anyone ever again because of the HPV, and that no one will understand if/when I disclose.
I'm sorry that you're facing this, and that you're having such a hard time with it. You need to know that you are not tainted, you're not a bad person, having HPV (or any STI) is not a reflection on you as a person in any way.
You certainly will be able to have sex again, when you want to. As for disclosure, I don't know what's recommended with HPV but I found out I have HSV-2 some years ago and have disclosed to every person I've gotten close to having sex with. As @aw jeez said, it's a great filter. A few women opted out of further dating / sex but others have said "fuck yes," and my sex life didn't end.
One thing that was of tremendous help was going to a support group for Herpes. Lots of very kind people who have also faced the same problem and stigmas and found out that it's not really the big thing they thought it was. The support group I went to also included HPV, so maybe there's a group in your area that you could attend.
You already addressed the therapist thing, so I hope at some point you're able to get things worked out and talk to a therapist as well.
You have a lot of people telling you that you're not tainted, you will be able to have sex again, and people do and will understand. Please believe them, we're in your corner and you're going to get through this and in a few years you'll look back and be like "that is nowhere near the big deal I thought it was." Take care of yourself and give yourself the compassion you'd give a friend who was facing the same problem.
posted by jzb at 5:19 AM on February 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry that you're facing this, and that you're having such a hard time with it. You need to know that you are not tainted, you're not a bad person, having HPV (or any STI) is not a reflection on you as a person in any way.
You certainly will be able to have sex again, when you want to. As for disclosure, I don't know what's recommended with HPV but I found out I have HSV-2 some years ago and have disclosed to every person I've gotten close to having sex with. As @aw jeez said, it's a great filter. A few women opted out of further dating / sex but others have said "fuck yes," and my sex life didn't end.
One thing that was of tremendous help was going to a support group for Herpes. Lots of very kind people who have also faced the same problem and stigmas and found out that it's not really the big thing they thought it was. The support group I went to also included HPV, so maybe there's a group in your area that you could attend.
You already addressed the therapist thing, so I hope at some point you're able to get things worked out and talk to a therapist as well.
You have a lot of people telling you that you're not tainted, you will be able to have sex again, and people do and will understand. Please believe them, we're in your corner and you're going to get through this and in a few years you'll look back and be like "that is nowhere near the big deal I thought it was." Take care of yourself and give yourself the compassion you'd give a friend who was facing the same problem.
posted by jzb at 5:19 AM on February 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm going to suggest that you focus on what kind of cognitive tools might help with your spirals. You definitely know intellectually that this is not a big deal, and you know that your anxiety is a problem (and good for you for working so hard to get that treated; it is SO HARD to wrestle with insurance/doctors through anxiety and depression, and there are just not enough providers, ask me how I know).
Instead of looking for a way to convince yourself to believe what you already know, I would look for ways to stop ruminating on it. One thing that has worked for me was to write out a long explanation for myself of why something was not a big deal--full only of things that I truly believed--and then, any time I started to think about it, I would firmly say to myself "no, that is done. I have resolved that and there's nothing more to think about." Then a deliberate mental redirection--crossword puzzles work for me, but maybe you'd rather go for a walk, take on a big cleaning project, read a book. Something that engages your brain in a different direction.
If this doesn't work, maybe an anxiety workbook or some other self-help suggestions for dealing with rumination in general, rather with your specific topic. I have absolutely had these feelings--where something that was an actual thing in my life (not seeing my friends enough) became THE END OF THE WORLD (because I had no friends and no one cared about me)--and therapy/medication resolved it really quickly. I'm finding a lot of strategies online under "anxiety rumination" and "breaking rumination cycles" and maybe some of them will work for you.
Good luck!
posted by gideonfrog at 5:50 AM on February 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
Instead of looking for a way to convince yourself to believe what you already know, I would look for ways to stop ruminating on it. One thing that has worked for me was to write out a long explanation for myself of why something was not a big deal--full only of things that I truly believed--and then, any time I started to think about it, I would firmly say to myself "no, that is done. I have resolved that and there's nothing more to think about." Then a deliberate mental redirection--crossword puzzles work for me, but maybe you'd rather go for a walk, take on a big cleaning project, read a book. Something that engages your brain in a different direction.
If this doesn't work, maybe an anxiety workbook or some other self-help suggestions for dealing with rumination in general, rather with your specific topic. I have absolutely had these feelings--where something that was an actual thing in my life (not seeing my friends enough) became THE END OF THE WORLD (because I had no friends and no one cared about me)--and therapy/medication resolved it really quickly. I'm finding a lot of strategies online under "anxiety rumination" and "breaking rumination cycles" and maybe some of them will work for you.
Good luck!
posted by gideonfrog at 5:50 AM on February 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
Other people have given great advice about the HPV itself. Given that you're struggling with all this in part because of your sexual assault, you might also call the local sexual assault crisis center in your area and see if they offer low-cost counseling that could help you work through this. Even if it's just a few sessions. So many of your emotional symptoms sound trauma-related that it wouldn't surprise me if the diagnosis were bringing back aspects of the assault (because that's a really, really normal thing to happen), and talking that through with someone trained in helping people dealing with sexual assault might be helpful, at least as a stop-gap until you can get your insurance and longer-term therapist sorted out.
*hugs*
posted by lazuli at 5:52 AM on February 20, 2019 [6 favorites]
*hugs*
posted by lazuli at 5:52 AM on February 20, 2019 [6 favorites]
A thing to remember about anxiety/depression spirals that are triggered by bad situations is that they often do get better with time. Not always, but often.
Frequently, something that another person would take in stride will turn me into a weepy, catastrophizing mess for a week or two. And then maybe I'll spend another week or two occasionally sulking about it. And then... I'll be kind of bummed but basically actually okay.
That's still not fun, and not great, and I'm perpetually tinkering with ways to improve it with therapy or better meds. But it's a hell of a lot better than "I will be a weepy, catastrophizing mess about this for the rest of my life," which is what it sometimes feels like during that first week or two.
You're getting a lot of great advice from other people. But while you're following it, another thing to keep in mind is, okay, these feelings are real and valid, and they're shitty and painful and terrible, and they're almost certain to diminish no matter what. Following the good advice you're getting here will help make sure they diminish to 1% rather than 10% or 25%. But they're basically guaranteed not to stay at 100%, and just knowing that may provide some relief.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:04 AM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
Frequently, something that another person would take in stride will turn me into a weepy, catastrophizing mess for a week or two. And then maybe I'll spend another week or two occasionally sulking about it. And then... I'll be kind of bummed but basically actually okay.
That's still not fun, and not great, and I'm perpetually tinkering with ways to improve it with therapy or better meds. But it's a hell of a lot better than "I will be a weepy, catastrophizing mess about this for the rest of my life," which is what it sometimes feels like during that first week or two.
You're getting a lot of great advice from other people. But while you're following it, another thing to keep in mind is, okay, these feelings are real and valid, and they're shitty and painful and terrible, and they're almost certain to diminish no matter what. Following the good advice you're getting here will help make sure they diminish to 1% rather than 10% or 25%. But they're basically guaranteed not to stay at 100%, and just knowing that may provide some relief.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:04 AM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
I used to test positive for HPV. I had a colposcopy in my 20s after abnormal paps, then had to have paps 2x a year for a couple years. Now, 20 years later, I don't even have paps every year, am not a risk, clear of HPV and have been for a long time.
posted by RoadScholar at 7:28 AM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by RoadScholar at 7:28 AM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
That you are fixating on the possibility that HPV is a result of the rape, and that you are feeling shame, suggest to me that this is much more about fall out from that trauma than about the HPV. Please consider seeking trauma therapy, or seeking an immediate appointment with your therapist if you're already seeing someone.
For what it's worth from this internet stranger, neither is something *you* should be ashamed of. I hope you are able to find good care to heal from both. (As others have well said, the HPV is likely entirely manageable.)
If you need help and don't know where to start, try RAINN
posted by AliceBlue at 7:46 AM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
For what it's worth from this internet stranger, neither is something *you* should be ashamed of. I hope you are able to find good care to heal from both. (As others have well said, the HPV is likely entirely manageable.)
If you need help and don't know where to start, try RAINN
posted by AliceBlue at 7:46 AM on February 20, 2019 [3 favorites]
So much love to you right now!!! I dealt with this myself a few years ago -- and had a very unsupportive partner at the time, which made things much harder. I totally get how you are feeling but please know that, yes, you are lovable, beautiful, and sexy as ever!! So many people get STIs, especially HPV, but so few people talk about it because of the stigma. I'm glad you came here, and I also encourage you to talk to friends and family about it when you're ready. Because they will likely give you lots of love and support -- and talk about their own experiences, too! I understand your fear because, while HPV is super common, not a lot of helpful information or firsthand stories exist online, at least I wasn't finding it.
I also got the original Gardasil shots over ten years ago, so I was very surprised and upset to have tested positive for a strain of high-risk HPV two years ago on my Pap. (The Pap was normal but the HPV test came back positive.) The cool thing is that HPV testing, at least/if only for women, has really come a long way in terms of early detection. But what that also means is that people worry a lot because HPV will often go away (non-technical term here) on its own over time. So, my first test was positive -- my results were lost for six months but that's another story -- so they said to wait a year to test again since my Pap was normal. A year later, I get tested again and it's still positive, so they did a colposcopy; everything looked normal, so they scheduled me to get tested again in six months. That was October for me and, guess what, the HPV had gone away!!!!! I cannot tell you what a relief that was but also that, were it not to be, it'd be totally manageable and OK. FWIW, I immediately texted my siblings and they were so happy for me. My brother had the best response: "I'm so happy to hear this but please remember that you are always beautiful and wonderful, and that is regardless of whether or not you have any STIs or other health concerns." It's so true but took me a long time to believe it!
What helped me? Reaching out for support. Talking to my therapist, and even going on an SSRI. And, ultimately, breaking up with that crappy ex-girlfriend; in addition to not smoking, the best thing you can do to heal HPV without abnormal cells is to reduce stress and take care of yourself so your body can heal. Easier said than done, right? I was pretty miserable for a long time but felt better eventually; hearing the HPV was gone was a huge relief but, honestly, not as much as I had expected because I had come to terms with it. Do you ever watch Broad City? There's a scene in a later episode where Ilana is going for her Gardasil shot and has a talk with Abbi on how she has HPV and it's super common. Ali Wong talks about it, too. Here's a cool article called "Why HPV Jokes Matter" that I recommend.
I wasn't sure how to disclose it but chose honesty. I'd be 100% OK dating someone who has or has had HPV, and I'm grateful for this experience for showing me how OK and normal STIs are. I dated two guys last year: one was a bit weird about it, like he was OK with vaginal sex but not giving oral sex. So I ended it with him, no regrets! And then dated a different guy who was 100% OK with it. I know it doesn't feel like it at all but HPV, for all its stigma and worry and health concerns, was ultimately a gift for me. I, too, am a sexual abuse and assault survivor, and I totally get how that history makes the HPV diagnosis even scarier and more upsetting. I have PTSD, which I normally manage just fine, but gosh I needed extra help and I'm glad I got it. I hope you can find a good therapist when the time comes, and that you can connect and feel the love online and in person with your partner and friends.
You are doing everything right! I have an IUD, too, and found the colposcopy didn't hurt at all or at least it was nothing compared to either of my IUD insertions or removal. You will be OK! There's a likelihood that the HPV will eventually heal itself over time but, regardless, you will be fine! Again, lots of love to you, and please send me a MeMail if you want to chat more privately.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:18 AM on February 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
I also got the original Gardasil shots over ten years ago, so I was very surprised and upset to have tested positive for a strain of high-risk HPV two years ago on my Pap. (The Pap was normal but the HPV test came back positive.) The cool thing is that HPV testing, at least/if only for women, has really come a long way in terms of early detection. But what that also means is that people worry a lot because HPV will often go away (non-technical term here) on its own over time. So, my first test was positive -- my results were lost for six months but that's another story -- so they said to wait a year to test again since my Pap was normal. A year later, I get tested again and it's still positive, so they did a colposcopy; everything looked normal, so they scheduled me to get tested again in six months. That was October for me and, guess what, the HPV had gone away!!!!! I cannot tell you what a relief that was but also that, were it not to be, it'd be totally manageable and OK. FWIW, I immediately texted my siblings and they were so happy for me. My brother had the best response: "I'm so happy to hear this but please remember that you are always beautiful and wonderful, and that is regardless of whether or not you have any STIs or other health concerns." It's so true but took me a long time to believe it!
What helped me? Reaching out for support. Talking to my therapist, and even going on an SSRI. And, ultimately, breaking up with that crappy ex-girlfriend; in addition to not smoking, the best thing you can do to heal HPV without abnormal cells is to reduce stress and take care of yourself so your body can heal. Easier said than done, right? I was pretty miserable for a long time but felt better eventually; hearing the HPV was gone was a huge relief but, honestly, not as much as I had expected because I had come to terms with it. Do you ever watch Broad City? There's a scene in a later episode where Ilana is going for her Gardasil shot and has a talk with Abbi on how she has HPV and it's super common. Ali Wong talks about it, too. Here's a cool article called "Why HPV Jokes Matter" that I recommend.
I wasn't sure how to disclose it but chose honesty. I'd be 100% OK dating someone who has or has had HPV, and I'm grateful for this experience for showing me how OK and normal STIs are. I dated two guys last year: one was a bit weird about it, like he was OK with vaginal sex but not giving oral sex. So I ended it with him, no regrets! And then dated a different guy who was 100% OK with it. I know it doesn't feel like it at all but HPV, for all its stigma and worry and health concerns, was ultimately a gift for me. I, too, am a sexual abuse and assault survivor, and I totally get how that history makes the HPV diagnosis even scarier and more upsetting. I have PTSD, which I normally manage just fine, but gosh I needed extra help and I'm glad I got it. I hope you can find a good therapist when the time comes, and that you can connect and feel the love online and in person with your partner and friends.
You are doing everything right! I have an IUD, too, and found the colposcopy didn't hurt at all or at least it was nothing compared to either of my IUD insertions or removal. You will be OK! There's a likelihood that the HPV will eventually heal itself over time but, regardless, you will be fine! Again, lots of love to you, and please send me a MeMail if you want to chat more privately.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:18 AM on February 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Also, I recommend this episode of Death, Sex, and Money: Sexually Transmitted Secrets.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:21 AM on February 20, 2019
posted by smorgasbord at 8:21 AM on February 20, 2019
I have (used to have?) HPV, have had a few colposcopies and cervical biopsies, and went through it all with sporadic access to health insurance. All this before gardasil was on the market.
There were a lot of times I was scared I was going to die of cervical cancer. There were a lot of times I worried that, even if I didn't end up with straight up cancer, that the various procedures that are part of abnormal cervical cell maintenance (for lack of a better word) would render me infertile, or just be painful, expensive, and inconvenient for years to come. There were a lot of times I felt dirty and diseased. I was also raped during my late teens/early 20s and got my first bad pap smears after that happened, and over the years I've had similar thoughts to you about how I might have contracted this in the first place.
One thing that has really helped is talking to other women my age who've also been through this whole song and dance. Realizing that it's normal, including my emotions and periodic spiraling about it.
In the end, the particular strain I had cleared up over several years, and I've had a number of normal pap smears at this point. In terms of medical procedures, things never progressed past the colposcopy and biopsy stage. I conceived and gave birth to a healthy and happy child. Before that (and before my HPV strain cleared up), I met and started dating the person who would become my husband, and told him about having HPV, and he didn't care because it's so ubiquitous and we're adults.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, it gets better? It's not necessarily a forever thing, or even A Thing, and a HUGE number of women also deal with this. Most of those women are completely fine and safe and healthy. We have unbelievable amounts of medical advances to deal with this in the rare occasion that the situation becomes not fine. It's going to be OK. It's also perfectly OK to wallow in your feelings about it a little bit, if that's what's helpful for you. I spiraled a bit from time to time, and honestly I think it was a little bit healthy for me even if it was a touch stressful.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 9:31 AM on February 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
There were a lot of times I was scared I was going to die of cervical cancer. There were a lot of times I worried that, even if I didn't end up with straight up cancer, that the various procedures that are part of abnormal cervical cell maintenance (for lack of a better word) would render me infertile, or just be painful, expensive, and inconvenient for years to come. There were a lot of times I felt dirty and diseased. I was also raped during my late teens/early 20s and got my first bad pap smears after that happened, and over the years I've had similar thoughts to you about how I might have contracted this in the first place.
One thing that has really helped is talking to other women my age who've also been through this whole song and dance. Realizing that it's normal, including my emotions and periodic spiraling about it.
In the end, the particular strain I had cleared up over several years, and I've had a number of normal pap smears at this point. In terms of medical procedures, things never progressed past the colposcopy and biopsy stage. I conceived and gave birth to a healthy and happy child. Before that (and before my HPV strain cleared up), I met and started dating the person who would become my husband, and told him about having HPV, and he didn't care because it's so ubiquitous and we're adults.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, it gets better? It's not necessarily a forever thing, or even A Thing, and a HUGE number of women also deal with this. Most of those women are completely fine and safe and healthy. We have unbelievable amounts of medical advances to deal with this in the rare occasion that the situation becomes not fine. It's going to be OK. It's also perfectly OK to wallow in your feelings about it a little bit, if that's what's helpful for you. I spiraled a bit from time to time, and honestly I think it was a little bit healthy for me even if it was a touch stressful.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 9:31 AM on February 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
I had HPV and early cervical cancer in my 20's, but decades ago when the HPV/cancer connection was just being made. Nobody could figure out what was going on and it was many months before I had definitive treatment, cervical conization surgery to remove the area of my cervix where the cancer was located. Actually, I had this twice. At that point it was so unusual for a young woman to have early cancer - carcinoma in situ - they went straight to surgery, something I suspect would never happen now.
And that was the end of it. I went on to have kids vaginally. I barely think of HPV changing my life now, but both of my kids, male and female, have received the full HPV vaccination. You might suggest your partner get tested for his own and any potential future partners' health. Keep in mind that HPV can lead to oral or anal cancer, so this is an issue to consider. Not to panic over, but to consider.
I tell you my story not because cervical cancer is not potentially life-threatening, or that risks to partners are not possible, but because I think you are catastrophizing. HPV is so common that it is practically the norm. Yes, the very rare person will have problems, but they are rare. They are very unlikely to be you.
The shame and discord you feel is important to explore in therapy, as you have said. Have the faith in yourself that you will move forward and work to do so. Life is not always predictable, but we learn to adapt and grow when we are facing challenges. You will process and get through this.
posted by citygirl at 9:56 AM on February 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
And that was the end of it. I went on to have kids vaginally. I barely think of HPV changing my life now, but both of my kids, male and female, have received the full HPV vaccination. You might suggest your partner get tested for his own and any potential future partners' health. Keep in mind that HPV can lead to oral or anal cancer, so this is an issue to consider. Not to panic over, but to consider.
I tell you my story not because cervical cancer is not potentially life-threatening, or that risks to partners are not possible, but because I think you are catastrophizing. HPV is so common that it is practically the norm. Yes, the very rare person will have problems, but they are rare. They are very unlikely to be you.
The shame and discord you feel is important to explore in therapy, as you have said. Have the faith in yourself that you will move forward and work to do so. Life is not always predictable, but we learn to adapt and grow when we are facing challenges. You will process and get through this.
posted by citygirl at 9:56 AM on February 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
Can I ask them to give me pain meds for the colposcopy?
yes. if you weren't given pain & anxiety drugs before the IUD insertion, and if this is the same doctor responsible for that, that concerns me. absolutely you can and should ask. they should say yes. really, they should offer without being asked, since people are often afraid to ask or assume it'll be offered if it's necessary (it should be!)
also ask for a valium or a xanax or something, if you're able to take things like that. awake medical procedures produce a special class of temporary extreme anxiety, on top of any regular anxiety you may have.
if you have a good existing relationship with a primary care doctor or a psychiatrist, I would strongly recommend asking them for the prescription as a back-up; the gynecologist should take care of it but might not, and while you may not have time or means to shop around for a better gynecologist, you should never have to undergo painful invasive procedures of this nature without any medication. and you absolutely shouldn't have to show up for the procedure without knowing if pain/anxiety relief will be provided.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:56 AM on February 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
yes. if you weren't given pain & anxiety drugs before the IUD insertion, and if this is the same doctor responsible for that, that concerns me. absolutely you can and should ask. they should say yes. really, they should offer without being asked, since people are often afraid to ask or assume it'll be offered if it's necessary (it should be!)
also ask for a valium or a xanax or something, if you're able to take things like that. awake medical procedures produce a special class of temporary extreme anxiety, on top of any regular anxiety you may have.
if you have a good existing relationship with a primary care doctor or a psychiatrist, I would strongly recommend asking them for the prescription as a back-up; the gynecologist should take care of it but might not, and while you may not have time or means to shop around for a better gynecologist, you should never have to undergo painful invasive procedures of this nature without any medication. and you absolutely shouldn't have to show up for the procedure without knowing if pain/anxiety relief will be provided.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:56 AM on February 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
I have 3 close friends who were diagnosed with HPV and HSV back when we were in our mid-twenties and single and sexually active. They were just as initially devastated as you are, and back then was when society was horrifically judgmental of female sexual promiscuity (yes, I know society still is, but at least we're having conversations now that aim to make many young women more comfortable with their choices.)
Not one of my 3 friends ever had any negative consequences to their diagnoses. They were open and honest with their partners, especially if one of them had an outbreak. They are all now married, the one with HSV has children, and their sexual activity has not been affected. They've also learned that there's no shame in having these STIs. Many, many of us have sex with multiple partners, and the only difference between someone with an STI and someone without is that a microscopic bunch of nucleic acid decided to jump a cell membrane or two. Yes, there is a risk of cervical cancer, but it is rare, and you have ruled out the worst strains. You are not anything but a normal 20-something woman! Much love to you.
posted by Everydayville at 12:03 PM on February 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
Not one of my 3 friends ever had any negative consequences to their diagnoses. They were open and honest with their partners, especially if one of them had an outbreak. They are all now married, the one with HSV has children, and their sexual activity has not been affected. They've also learned that there's no shame in having these STIs. Many, many of us have sex with multiple partners, and the only difference between someone with an STI and someone without is that a microscopic bunch of nucleic acid decided to jump a cell membrane or two. Yes, there is a risk of cervical cancer, but it is rare, and you have ruled out the worst strains. You are not anything but a normal 20-something woman! Much love to you.
posted by Everydayville at 12:03 PM on February 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
I have had several colpos, they are not fun but you will survive it. Take ibuprofen beforehand, if possible go home and take a nap afterwards. Colposcopies are very common procedures. HPV is a very common virus! Feel your feels, but remember you should not be worried and you are not dirty.
I had a cancerous strain of HPV and had a LEEP. That wasn't so bad either (it mostly sucked in that I had it done not too long after a rather soul crushing breakup but even when I had to break my own no contact rule to tell the guy he didn't freak out. Or seem to care, really, but hey I did my part.)
Fun fact: The vaccination used to just be for youngins, but now anyone under 45 is recommended to get it. Hurrah!
posted by ataco at 7:42 PM on February 20, 2019
I had a cancerous strain of HPV and had a LEEP. That wasn't so bad either (it mostly sucked in that I had it done not too long after a rather soul crushing breakup but even when I had to break my own no contact rule to tell the guy he didn't freak out. Or seem to care, really, but hey I did my part.)
Fun fact: The vaccination used to just be for youngins, but now anyone under 45 is recommended to get it. Hurrah!
posted by ataco at 7:42 PM on February 20, 2019
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But you already know all that, right? That means that what you're feeling is irrational. That doesn't make it less real, but it means you probably can't think your way out of these feelings. If I were you I would try to distract myself from them by making myself very very busy, and if I were your partner I would try to comfort you by making you feel adored. Time will probably help heal this pain, as long as you can keep powering on through it.
This is also one of those times where if you have access to therapy, it would probably be a good idea to talk to a professional about this stuff. Even if therapy is not an option, you should orobably block out some time—maybe with your partner, if he's any good at this sort of thing—to talk through your feelings and suss out where they're coming from and untangle that. Sometimes just understanding why you feel a certain way can help you get past it.
You're OK though. You really are. This is a big deal to you, but probably only to you. You're not dirty. You're the same person you've always been.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:57 AM on February 20, 2019 [7 favorites]