Would you rather...
February 15, 2019 1:28 PM Subscribe
I’ll be celebrating a “milestone” birthday over the summer and I’m having trouble deciding between two celebration options. Help me make a decision.
Would you rather?
I’ll be celebrating a “milestone” birthday over the summer and I’m having trouble deciding between two celebration options.
Option 1: All-inclusive resort vacation with my spouse and two young kids (nearly 5 & 7). Resort would have a nice kids club so we wouldn’t be on the hook for parenting the whole week. I like this option because it involves bringing my kids and we don’t get to go on vacations very often so I know they would be absolutely delighted. I don’t like this option because it involves bringing my kids. Spouse and I work full time and most of our other time is wrapped up in kid stuff. I sometimes think our marriage could really benefit from an infusion of adventure and novelty apart from the kids. I also don’t like this idea because I’m not super thrilled about resort vacations. It’s not my preferred way to travel but if my kids are going with us we are going somewhere that is designed for families (read: where I can laze around and drink fancy drinks while my kids have a blast making macaroni necklaces or whatever).
Option 2: We have two sets of grandparents near by who would gladly keep the kids for 8-10 days so that my spouse and I can vacation in Europe. I like this idea because we could be spontaneous and choose a destination based on whatever “deal” is available closer to the date or we could book an Italy trip now. I’ve only ever visited Spain so I’d be excited to go anywhere really. I don’t like this idea because I would miss my kids. A lot. We did a 5 night vacation away from them 3 years ago and after three nights I missed them terribly. I also worry, probably illogically, that if anything were to happen to us (plane crash) or while we were abroad (viral pandemic which turns everyone into raving zombies and prevents intercontinental travel) we wouldn’t be there for the kids. On a more logical note, I also have a dream (which I may be able to make happen) to spend 4-5 weeks traveling around Europe with them in 2-3 years.
Are there things I’m not considering but should? What would Metafilter Do?
Would you rather?
I’ll be celebrating a “milestone” birthday over the summer and I’m having trouble deciding between two celebration options.
Option 1: All-inclusive resort vacation with my spouse and two young kids (nearly 5 & 7). Resort would have a nice kids club so we wouldn’t be on the hook for parenting the whole week. I like this option because it involves bringing my kids and we don’t get to go on vacations very often so I know they would be absolutely delighted. I don’t like this option because it involves bringing my kids. Spouse and I work full time and most of our other time is wrapped up in kid stuff. I sometimes think our marriage could really benefit from an infusion of adventure and novelty apart from the kids. I also don’t like this idea because I’m not super thrilled about resort vacations. It’s not my preferred way to travel but if my kids are going with us we are going somewhere that is designed for families (read: where I can laze around and drink fancy drinks while my kids have a blast making macaroni necklaces or whatever).
Option 2: We have two sets of grandparents near by who would gladly keep the kids for 8-10 days so that my spouse and I can vacation in Europe. I like this idea because we could be spontaneous and choose a destination based on whatever “deal” is available closer to the date or we could book an Italy trip now. I’ve only ever visited Spain so I’d be excited to go anywhere really. I don’t like this idea because I would miss my kids. A lot. We did a 5 night vacation away from them 3 years ago and after three nights I missed them terribly. I also worry, probably illogically, that if anything were to happen to us (plane crash) or while we were abroad (viral pandemic which turns everyone into raving zombies and prevents intercontinental travel) we wouldn’t be there for the kids. On a more logical note, I also have a dream (which I may be able to make happen) to spend 4-5 weeks traveling around Europe with them in 2-3 years.
Are there things I’m not considering but should? What would Metafilter Do?
Hmmm. This is interesting.
Okay, I don't know why this particular synapse is firing, but: try making a list of what elements the two options are similar, and where they differ. It's jumping out at me right now that either way, someone other than you is doing most of the child care heavy lifting, and the only difference is in who that person is (resort staff or grandparents). There are all-inclusive resorts in Europe, so you theoretically could do that; but maybe something about the resort experience still wouldn't be your bag.
It's more of a granular analysis meant to help you figure out exactly what about each of these options is ringing your bell more, so you know that "okay, this specific element is my priority, I'll hang on to that and use it to make my decision". Like, when you consider that you're going to be separated from your kids from some portion of the day no matter what, you may realize that ultimately you do want that and that will help you make up your mind; or you may realize "actually, you know what, I think I'd miss coming back to the hotel and hearing them tell me stories about what they did all day" and that will also help you make up your mind.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:47 PM on February 15, 2019
Okay, I don't know why this particular synapse is firing, but: try making a list of what elements the two options are similar, and where they differ. It's jumping out at me right now that either way, someone other than you is doing most of the child care heavy lifting, and the only difference is in who that person is (resort staff or grandparents). There are all-inclusive resorts in Europe, so you theoretically could do that; but maybe something about the resort experience still wouldn't be your bag.
It's more of a granular analysis meant to help you figure out exactly what about each of these options is ringing your bell more, so you know that "okay, this specific element is my priority, I'll hang on to that and use it to make my decision". Like, when you consider that you're going to be separated from your kids from some portion of the day no matter what, you may realize that ultimately you do want that and that will help you make up your mind; or you may realize "actually, you know what, I think I'd miss coming back to the hotel and hearing them tell me stories about what they did all day" and that will also help you make up your mind.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:47 PM on February 15, 2019
So one thing to keep in mind - you don't say where you live. If it's the US east coast, europe is not that far. If it's the west coast, man, those 10-hour flights are longer than you think.
Also European vacations are fun and you will talk about them for ages but they are generally not all the restful. You (I, the generic "one") often feel compelled to do and see everything because you know you may not get back there anytime soon, maybe never. So it's fun. But you'll come back tired, jet lagged, with a suitcase full of dirty clothes, the kids wired from being at Grandma's and you're behind at work. This is not necessarily a bad thing - my wife and I did it a few years back although our kids were older than your are. And it was fun, we had a blast, we still look at those pictures and talk about the things we did & saw (we saw Night At The Museum 3 being filmed at the British Museum! At night!) But you might find it a lot to deal with.
Resort vacations can be dull. I'm not sure I'm 100% into lying down all day for more than a day. But obviously lots of people love them. No complexity. No rush. Warm & comfy.
As for missing the kids - I'm just not the same as you. I love my kids. And all of us benefit from time apart. I do not tend to worry. I get that you are different. My only offer here is that as they get older one tends to worry about them less. Leaving a two year-old with someone else is stressful! A seven year-old much less so. Three years ago is a long time ago when you have a five year-old! So you may find yourself worry a lot less this time. And you can always call them and video chat, etc.
So those are my thoughts.
posted by GuyZero at 1:51 PM on February 15, 2019
Also European vacations are fun and you will talk about them for ages but they are generally not all the restful. You (I, the generic "one") often feel compelled to do and see everything because you know you may not get back there anytime soon, maybe never. So it's fun. But you'll come back tired, jet lagged, with a suitcase full of dirty clothes, the kids wired from being at Grandma's and you're behind at work. This is not necessarily a bad thing - my wife and I did it a few years back although our kids were older than your are. And it was fun, we had a blast, we still look at those pictures and talk about the things we did & saw (we saw Night At The Museum 3 being filmed at the British Museum! At night!) But you might find it a lot to deal with.
Resort vacations can be dull. I'm not sure I'm 100% into lying down all day for more than a day. But obviously lots of people love them. No complexity. No rush. Warm & comfy.
As for missing the kids - I'm just not the same as you. I love my kids. And all of us benefit from time apart. I do not tend to worry. I get that you are different. My only offer here is that as they get older one tends to worry about them less. Leaving a two year-old with someone else is stressful! A seven year-old much less so. Three years ago is a long time ago when you have a five year-old! So you may find yourself worry a lot less this time. And you can always call them and video chat, etc.
So those are my thoughts.
posted by GuyZero at 1:51 PM on February 15, 2019
I would pick option 2, as someone whose parents used to do this sort of thing on occasion, and as someone who would happily hand my toddler off to a trusted relative for a few days and be fine (despite missing him, of course).
That said, I agree with others that the real question is what would feel the best for you: a trip that isn't exactly your ideal vacation, but gives you the flexibility to be with your kids without being With Your Kids, or a trip where you might miss your kids but it would be your dream vacation?
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 1:55 PM on February 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
That said, I agree with others that the real question is what would feel the best for you: a trip that isn't exactly your ideal vacation, but gives you the flexibility to be with your kids without being With Your Kids, or a trip where you might miss your kids but it would be your dream vacation?
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 1:55 PM on February 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
I love having the kids with us and I always prefer to include them in adventures. When we don't I always think - Man, the kids would love this!
There is a good chance you have about 5 more years before they are going to be asking before every trip "Is there wifi there?" and eyerolling when you shout "We are going on an adventure!".
If it were me, I'd take the kids everytime.
posted by beccaj at 1:58 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
There is a good chance you have about 5 more years before they are going to be asking before every trip "Is there wifi there?" and eyerolling when you shout "We are going on an adventure!".
If it were me, I'd take the kids everytime.
posted by beccaj at 1:58 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think as GuyZero mentions, it comes down to what you'd like to get out of this vacation.
If it's rest and relaxation, the resort sounds like a great thing.
If it's a memorable trip to mark your milestone, perhaps Europe is better.
I'd tune out your marriage, kids, all the logistics -- how do you want to feel when you get back?
posted by matrixclown at 2:12 PM on February 15, 2019
If it's rest and relaxation, the resort sounds like a great thing.
If it's a memorable trip to mark your milestone, perhaps Europe is better.
I'd tune out your marriage, kids, all the logistics -- how do you want to feel when you get back?
posted by matrixclown at 2:12 PM on February 15, 2019
In 10 years you're not going to remember how much you missed your kids; you WILL remember the amazing holiday and the time together with your spouse.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:12 PM on February 15, 2019 [14 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 2:12 PM on February 15, 2019 [14 favorites]
Would your kids willingly go to the resort child care? I ask, because we took our kids (age 8 at the time) with us to a resort (not far from home - only a 3 hour drive) and they hated the child care and developed some crazy separation anxiety and refused to go back - which put some serious cramps in our plans for the long weekend. Whereas when we went to Hawaii and to Europe alone, they were totally fine staying at home in their own rooms with their own stuff (family came to our house to watch them). I love my kids and I like going places with them, but those trips are in no way relaxing.
posted by candyland at 2:17 PM on February 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by candyland at 2:17 PM on February 15, 2019 [7 favorites]
I'd pick 2 because I don't know if/when I'll ever have that kind of care for my single young kid but boy I dream of it.
Take the kids on cool trips when they're older and will appreciate it more, at present they may well have more fun with option 2 as well.
posted by SaltySalticid at 2:19 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
Take the kids on cool trips when they're older and will appreciate it more, at present they may well have more fun with option 2 as well.
posted by SaltySalticid at 2:19 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
I raised three children. I have done the resort family vacation. Good times had by all.
There is no hesitation in me saying do Option #2. Leave the kids with grandparents. It will be a great experience for the gp's and the kids and you will have one on one time with your spouse in Europe seeing amazing sites. Everybody will have a great time. Your kids will be telling you 10 years from now about the time the grandparents gave them milkshakes for breakfast, etc.
posted by AugustWest at 2:20 PM on February 15, 2019 [10 favorites]
There is no hesitation in me saying do Option #2. Leave the kids with grandparents. It will be a great experience for the gp's and the kids and you will have one on one time with your spouse in Europe seeing amazing sites. Everybody will have a great time. Your kids will be telling you 10 years from now about the time the grandparents gave them milkshakes for breakfast, etc.
posted by AugustWest at 2:20 PM on February 15, 2019 [10 favorites]
Do the grandparents have the technical set up to do some video calls? Maybe one every two or three days? I'd
go to Europe without them and have set times for calls.
posted by soelo at 2:26 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
go to Europe without them and have set times for calls.
posted by soelo at 2:26 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm obviously biased because I have never once taken an adults-only vacation where I regretted having left my kids at home in the care of loving grandparents. Missed them, sure. Happy to be reunited when I got home, of course. Wished I'd brought them along? Hellllllllllllllllllllllll no. I spend the majority of my waking hours tending to my kids' needs and wants; a vacation opportunity that only comes along every few years is ALL ABOUT ME and I have zero qualms about making it so.
I would also venture that since they are less tiny now, you may not miss or worry about them quite so intensely as when they were not quite 2 and 4. There's a big difference in those ages.
I have the BEST memories of time spent with my grandparents having my every whim indulged whenever my parents went on trips. I cherish them beyond measure, more so than I cherish memories of trips taken with my family, to be quite honest. And I love love love seeing the relationships my kids foster with my parents when I'm not around, and the text and picture updates I get each day while I'm gone.
posted by anderjen at 2:26 PM on February 15, 2019 [20 favorites]
I would also venture that since they are less tiny now, you may not miss or worry about them quite so intensely as when they were not quite 2 and 4. There's a big difference in those ages.
I have the BEST memories of time spent with my grandparents having my every whim indulged whenever my parents went on trips. I cherish them beyond measure, more so than I cherish memories of trips taken with my family, to be quite honest. And I love love love seeing the relationships my kids foster with my parents when I'm not around, and the text and picture updates I get each day while I'm gone.
posted by anderjen at 2:26 PM on February 15, 2019 [20 favorites]
I have the BEST memories of time spent with my grandparents having my every whim indulged whenever my parents went on trips.
very much this - you may miss you kids like crazy, that does not mean they miss you at all. They might. They might also forget you exist.
posted by GuyZero at 2:28 PM on February 15, 2019 [12 favorites]
very much this - you may miss you kids like crazy, that does not mean they miss you at all. They might. They might also forget you exist.
posted by GuyZero at 2:28 PM on February 15, 2019 [12 favorites]
Just wanted to +1 that do option 2. Some of my favorite childhood memories are being with just my grandparents. Even if you'll miss them, this is an important chance for THEM to build a more meaningful relationship.
I would say do #1 if literally anyone else would be taking the kids (nanny, other relative).
posted by cacao at 2:29 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
I would say do #1 if literally anyone else would be taking the kids (nanny, other relative).
posted by cacao at 2:29 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
Why not just go for a week to Europe if you're worried you'll miss your kids that much? You'll be so busy -- you'll have less time to miss them.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:40 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 2:40 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
If you really think that you're going to miss the kids too much to enjoy yourself, I'd choose option 3: several long weekends away with your spouse. But if at all possible, I'd instead try to figure out how to convince yourself not to miss the kids so much.
posted by metasarah at 2:46 PM on February 15, 2019
posted by metasarah at 2:46 PM on February 15, 2019
Hey!My kids are 5 and 7!
I would totally go on an adventure with my husband and foist my (adorable) offspring on their doting grandparents.
One reason: We don‘t get much family holiday time, but we get even less couples time. To be frank: I miss my husband. I keep thinking this is all there is to us. And then we go on a mini-trip together and helLO, this is why I married him! This playful, funny, interesting person. Also, sexytimes. And also: This is me when I don‘t have to worry about packing enough snacks and making sure everyone goes to the toilet before we leave - this interesting, spontaneous, lazy, talkative person who can finally hold forth for ten minutes on sci fi movie tropes without being interrupted.
I think maybe you have this kind of person lurking inside you, too, and maybe like me you‘ve forgotten that you miss her!
Don‘t get me wrong, I love vacationing with my kids. But then it becomes a holiday centered around your kids; kiddie club or no kiddie club. You‘ll be busy making sure they have a good time. I think for your birthday you deserve a trip that is centered around you.
As for the point that soon they will not want to vacation with you: Well, that‘s true. But then, soon they will not want to vacation with you and you‘ll find you‘re ten years older and you‘ve not kept in touch with the person you are underneath, without your children.
Either way, have a great time!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:47 PM on February 15, 2019 [13 favorites]
I would totally go on an adventure with my husband and foist my (adorable) offspring on their doting grandparents.
One reason: We don‘t get much family holiday time, but we get even less couples time. To be frank: I miss my husband. I keep thinking this is all there is to us. And then we go on a mini-trip together and helLO, this is why I married him! This playful, funny, interesting person. Also, sexytimes. And also: This is me when I don‘t have to worry about packing enough snacks and making sure everyone goes to the toilet before we leave - this interesting, spontaneous, lazy, talkative person who can finally hold forth for ten minutes on sci fi movie tropes without being interrupted.
I think maybe you have this kind of person lurking inside you, too, and maybe like me you‘ve forgotten that you miss her!
Don‘t get me wrong, I love vacationing with my kids. But then it becomes a holiday centered around your kids; kiddie club or no kiddie club. You‘ll be busy making sure they have a good time. I think for your birthday you deserve a trip that is centered around you.
As for the point that soon they will not want to vacation with you: Well, that‘s true. But then, soon they will not want to vacation with you and you‘ll find you‘re ten years older and you‘ve not kept in touch with the person you are underneath, without your children.
Either way, have a great time!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:47 PM on February 15, 2019 [13 favorites]
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person with little or no desire to leave my kid (I only have the one) alone with other people for more than a day at a time. We have loving, trustworthy relatives, and I like being away for a day, maybe overnight if the kid is with my spouse, but longer than that ... I just don't want to.
posted by vunder at 2:56 PM on February 15, 2019
posted by vunder at 2:56 PM on February 15, 2019
Get a coin. Heads is the all-inclusive vacation. Tails is Europe.
Flip the coin, high. Quick - which side are you rooting for?
Thats what you'd rather do.
posted by cgg at 3:40 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
Flip the coin, high. Quick - which side are you rooting for?
Thats what you'd rather do.
posted by cgg at 3:40 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
I vote #2. The fact that you have two sets of grandparents nearby who are willing to take care of your children for 8-10 days (!!) is INCREDIBLE. Many people don’t have opportunities like that. Walking around a European city, just the two of you at your own pace, sounds like the “infusion of adventure” you need. Whatever you decide, have fun!
posted by sucre at 4:20 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by sucre at 4:20 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
Am currently planning a variant of #2 with my spouse, also for a milestone birthday. This will be our first vacation without our kids (3 and 7). We don’t leave for another month, but we’ve already been having a ball just planning for the trip, reading up about our destination, watching shows set there, listening to the local music... It’s bringing us closer together in a way that wouldn’t be possible if we were spending our time worrying at every point about what was kid-friendly etc. Totally recommend so far.
posted by wyzewoman at 5:23 PM on February 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by wyzewoman at 5:23 PM on February 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
You and your significant other aren't the only ones on vacation.
Your children are missing valuable time with their grandparents, time that just won't be there when things change due to disability and evolving life circumstances.
Do have a Plan B in case a grandparent has a last-minute crisis (this happens quite often as we get older, unfortunately) but do get the kids and grandparents together NOW. Like... really soon.
Your children will thank you for this when they are adults.
Seconding some sort of Skype or other communications, but really? This is like checking up on them at lunch at school. The kids are doing their things, the grandparents are doing their things... you do your things and touch base when you can. Everybody has happy memories with the people who matter the most to them. It's a win/win.
And it sounds better than being stuck with a babysitter your parents have never met before, with a bunch of new kids who may already have their own cliques formed.
posted by TrishaU at 8:29 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
Your children are missing valuable time with their grandparents, time that just won't be there when things change due to disability and evolving life circumstances.
Do have a Plan B in case a grandparent has a last-minute crisis (this happens quite often as we get older, unfortunately) but do get the kids and grandparents together NOW. Like... really soon.
Your children will thank you for this when they are adults.
Seconding some sort of Skype or other communications, but really? This is like checking up on them at lunch at school. The kids are doing their things, the grandparents are doing their things... you do your things and touch base when you can. Everybody has happy memories with the people who matter the most to them. It's a win/win.
And it sounds better than being stuck with a babysitter your parents have never met before, with a bunch of new kids who may already have their own cliques formed.
posted by TrishaU at 8:29 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by heathrowga at 1:41 PM on February 15, 2019