Responding sensitively to sexual abuse disclosure

February 12, 2019 4:06 PM

Possible trigger warning for discussion of sexual abuse/violence: over the past several months, I've developed a strong platonic friendship with a younger man I met through work. Partly due to our jobs, we've had a number of deep discussions about things like feminism, toxic masculinity, and sexual violence. A couple of days ago, during one of these intense conversations, I sensed that he was edging closer to disclosing a personal history of abuse. (I won't go into detail about why, but please accept that there are Reasons for this feeling.)

I know that sexual abuse is a terrible thing for anyone, regardless of gender, and I have some basic experience providing support to female friends who have suffered such trauma in the past. However, I realize that such an experience can bring up a different set of issues for men, and I want to do my best to avoid saying anything that might be inadvertently harmful or stifle the conversation. I want him to feel safe talking to me, but I also don't want to intrude or pressure him in any way. (in case it's relevant, I'm F, early 50s, and he's in his early 30s, and we are peers in this context.)

Could you please point me to any resources that can give me guidance on the specifics of how to support my friend (if, indeed, he chooses to confide in me)? Also, if you have had personal experience in a situation involving a male victim (as either the person making the disclosure, or otherwise) what helped you (or did not)?

Finally, I'd also welcome any advice anyone has on how to manage my own sadness and anger over something so terrible happening to someone I have grown to care for a lot. I'm upset at the mere thought, so if he does confirm my suspicions, I need to be prepared to deal with that without making it "about me."

posted by rpfields to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I honestly think that 99% of it is just about listening, really actively, intensely listening, and letting the other person set the terms. Don't ask leading questions about how they must have felt, don't ask what you can do, etc. They'll let you know. Conversationally, just make moves that leave the field open for them to take the next step in their disclosure, if they want to. If they ask for advice, think carefully about what they've said, ask questions if you need to, and then just give the best advice you've got. But mostly just listen.

There's no script for these things.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:14 PM on February 12, 2019 [12 favorites]

And I guess to address the male-specific part of your question, I would just say that it's really about the individual, not their gender. Validate his feelings, let
it be about him, don't try to generalize it to some kind of archetypal male struggle. Everyone's abuse is intensely personal.

I guess that the biggest thing you're likely to encounter, although it's by no means universal, is that abuse against men is often dismissed or minimized because men are powerful and therefore cannot be abused, and if they are then they must be unmanly. There may be some internalized shame around that concept. He'll talk about that if it's something he wants to talk about though, you don't have to lead him there.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:23 PM on February 12, 2019 [10 favorites]

For the first part, "I believe you. I'm sorry that happened. You didn't deserve it."

For the second, it's totally ok for you to call RAINN or your local sexual-assault crisis counseling center for support for yourself. It's good to remember the "Comfort In, Dump Out" model and make sure you have your own place to process that's not with him (which it sounds like you're aware of).
posted by lazuli at 6:39 PM on February 12, 2019 [7 favorites]

Best answer: Sorry if this is 101-level, but please don't tell a survivor the violent things you want to do to their abuser. "I'm so upset, I want to kill them" can seem supportive, but it brings up a lot of issues for the person hearing it...I wrote about this a bit here.

DON’T SUGGEST VIOLENCE AS THE ONLY SOLUTION: A desire for justice often leads to a desire to see revenge enacted. However, please consider the feelings of the survivor before saying “I would have kicked his ass!” People who are experiencing trauma often feel paralyzed and helpless (there’s science behind it; in addition to fight or flight, our brains and bodies have a “freeze” response to threats). They may want to avoid a physical altercation with someone who may be larger and more powerful than them. Suggesting that someone’s problem would have been solved if they wilded out Karate Kid style is victim blaming.

Feelings of regret and shame associated with not being able to fight off an attack are pretty universal, and I have read male survivors attest that is it especially an issue for them.
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:16 PM on February 12, 2019 [14 favorites]

Best answer: I think that one of the hardest things to avoid (but an important thing to avoid) is countering with a story of your own. It's a natural impulse meant to establish that you're sympathetic, but it centers the situation on you, when the point is to let him talk about himself.
posted by desuetude at 8:19 AM on February 13, 2019 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Things that really should be said:

* That was terrible, it sucked.
* It was wrong.
* You were not to blame.
* Your anger/grief are reasonable.
* Yes it's a thing that happens. There are others like you.
* This doesn't change the respect I have for you as a colleague.

Things that probably shouldn't be voiced:

* Comparative statistics.
* Did you report it?
* Are you sure that's the right way to describe it?
* Discussing or questioning anatomical details. Less frequent after Terry Crews's story, but ouch.
* Relative power dynamics.
* Why did you stay?

It might be reasonable to ask how you can help, depending on context.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 10:26 AM on February 13, 2019 [1 favorite]

Also, surviving something like this often involves getting thrown into a toxic pit of questions about sexual identity since AMAB people are assumed to always be wanting it. So avoid evaluating his experience in light of what you know about his sexuality.

For your own needs, I think "comfort in, dump out" is good advice in the first conversation. You can say something like, "I'm upset that happened to you." Developing a reciprocal relationship of support can develop later if you both choose that.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 10:58 AM on February 13, 2019 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Even though he's a trained professional, I'm always impressed with the balance my therapist maintains when I decide to talk about my rape. He is caring, but neutral. When I first brought it up, I wasn't ready to dig deep. It was tangential to something else I was dealing with, and it made sense to tell him about it. But I made some noise that I felt I had already dealt with the abuse, and didn't want that to be the focus.

Spoiler alert: I had not fully dealt with the issue. And I know he knew that. But he respected my boundary enough that if he would bring it up, it was always how it must have been difficult when it happened. I didn't have to acknowledge how difficult it still was, or be gently nudged that maybe it wasn't as resolved as I wanted it to be.

The other really noticeable thing is that he didn't engage with the gallows humor I had developed to minimize the rape (and a bunch of other trauma). He didn't do the usual internet dynamic where we call out the negative consequences of rape jokes, or the social dynamic where we follow the survivors lead. He would just pause, and note that it sounds like a really sad thing that happened to an inexperienced teenager.

That third person framing is a big part of why that tactic was disarming. We get so caught up in ego about being a Responsible Big Girl/Boy, and it's so discomforting to remember how vulnerable we all are, it's less threatening to imagine it happening to someone else. It helps me identify with my experience of being hurt, and not the aggressor.

Another thing he does when we acknowledge building trust between us- he does not thank me for trusting him with vulnerable things. Instead he mentions that it speaks to the progress we've made, that I feel safe enough around him to say these things. It's a very nuanced thing. But I recently told my direct manager that I'm having an extended depressive slump. And he was very kind and understanding. But also went out of his way to thank me for trusting him with this information. And my brain immediately pinged to "oh god, I've given him something dangerous that could be used against me" instead of "he's trying to relay that he wouldn't stigmatize me for sharing this bit of information"
posted by politikitty at 12:22 PM on February 13, 2019 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks everybody. I've marked a couple of "best answers" where there were specifics that I had not thought about, but all of your responses are extremely helpful.
posted by rpfields at 4:35 PM on February 15, 2019