Should I break up with my friend?

February 3, 2019 5:56 PM

I am totally frustrated with my friend and I don't know if the source of my frustration is going to change.

I have a friend for three years going now. She's very sweet. I would say we probably don't have a ton in common in terms of our senses of humor or like... that level when you feel like you get each other/ really connect with each other? We met through a mutual hobby (dancing), so we have that in common. We go dancing together and get food together fairly regularly.

In terms of my friendships, there's certain qualities that I really actively try to bring to the table and which I look for in my friends. I want to express warmth and make others feel like I care about what's going on in their lives and I like to share a laugh and I want those same qualities in a friend. My closest friends are people where I feel like they have my back and when something happy or sad happens to me I want to share it with them and they validate me.

So with this one particular friend, it often takes me a bit of extra effort to maintain focus on what she is saying because she speaks with a bit of a monotone and she's really pretty focused on some past and current health issues which she talks about a lot. Some are more on the minor side and she talks about them in detail. I guess what bothers me is when I'm with her I feel like I expend a lot of energy expressing care and like.. actively looking for her fun spark which I honestly have a little trouble finding.

I ask her a lot about her life and try to think of questions about things that might be unique about her and I guess I want her to feel good when we're spending time together. The thing that bothers me is that she very rarely asks me what's going on in my life. When I tell her about something, she'll be like, "Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yeah." UGHGHG, it's driving me crazy!!! We were out a few weeks ago and she's really into the T.V. show Friends and she was talking to other girl who had never seen it before and she spent like 25 minutes describing the T.V. show in painstaking detail like down to who Phoebe's pet was in each season to this person who said she didn't ever watch T.V. I could deal with it if it was like underneath the longwinded stories there was a base of a person who cares about and takes an active interest in others but it's like she can't be bothered. It's just driving me up the wall.

I tried to talk to her about it earlier on and I was like, "What qualities do you look for in a friend?" And I said I want my friends to ask me what's going on in my life and take an active interest in how I'm doing. I don't know if that was a bit too indirect, I'm not a great communicator. I honestly kind of think she's just like that. She's a bit hard to relate to sometimes because she's in her late thirties but there's a lot of life experiences I think she hasn't had, like I don't know that she's had a proper boyfriend. Which isn't anything against her but sometimes spending time with her seems like being with a child. Once on a car ride she asked me what boys I liked and wanted to play the game MASH. Which was kind of cute and funny but also not entirely adult behavior.

I don't know, I feel a bit sorry for her and also I feel weird that pity is the forefront of my feelings towards her. I feel like we could vibe a little bit better if it felt like there was more back and forth and give and take between us but I end up feeling like I'm taking care of her a bit or something and I just end up resenting her like crazy. Anyway, I've been trying to figure out what to do because I end up so exasperated when I spend any amount of time with her but I don't want to hurt her feelings by cutting her off. This isn't really phrased very well as a question but let me know if you have any advice.

posted by mermily to Human Relations (19 answers total)

It doesn't sound like you like her very much? But you don't have to "cut her off." It's ok to just get busy with other things and to not pursue this friendship anymore. It sounds like you've grown out of it, which happens.
posted by sockermom at 6:11 PM on February 3, 2019 [33 favorites]

Pity doesn’t seem to be a good enough reason to spend time regularly with people you don’t seem to like. At work you’re paid to do that but in your own time?
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:16 PM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Friendship at its heart should be a positive choice, not a job.

It sounds like you don't have much in common , which doesn't necessarily mean you can't be friends, but in this case you say she actively annoys you. Some friends fulfil certain niches, some are acquaintances, some are people we share hobbies with. She may sense your irritation anyway, which can sometimes dial up people's more awkward behaviour.

Maybe just stick to the common ground you have already instead of trying to expand the friendship into shapes it doesn't seem to fit into.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 6:17 PM on February 3, 2019 [8 favorites]

This sounds a little like a friendship I had (and wound up posting an anonymous AskMe about, though the direction of my question was very different from yours). That friendship is cooling, and I'm finding myself really loving where it's going. It's hard not having an ULTRA CLOSE FRIEND, but we've found a level that works for us, and it's nudged me to seek out people I have way more in common with, and am happier to be around.
So, I guess -- it sounds like yes, this friendship may have run its course entirely, and almost certainly it's done at the level you're used to. But that's okay. It's not a bad thing about either of you. You're allowed to ease things off without cutting her off entirely, and find the new level that's good for both of you. It sounds like you do like going dancing with her, so maybe stick to that, and ease off from spending time with her outside of that.
Also, I mean, I feel you on how she doesn't seem to actively care about you as much as you try to care about her. That may be something you just accept, and stop putting so much energy into her. You're not getting what you need back, and it's okay to end that part of things too. (Cutting down on conversations where she goes on and on about stuff will probably help a lot here, as well. You just won't have as much face-to-face time to be frustrated or expend more energy than you're getting back.)
posted by kalimac at 6:21 PM on February 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

Sounds like you don’t enjoy hanging out with her. That’s enough reason to not be friends with her. But you don’t have to break up with her. Just don’t hang out with her anymore. Be cordial. If she needs a ride and you’re fine with that, give her a ride, but don’t get meals with her. This is honestly the kind, adult way to handle this. Friends drift, it’s ok.

But one thing I noticed was that, maybe in order to justify your dislike of hanging out with her, it seems like you’re doing a lot of fault-finding, and that’s not really fair or necessary. It sounds like you just have personal/communication styles that don’t really vibe and it’s no one’s fault.
posted by lunasol at 6:24 PM on February 3, 2019 [26 favorites]

There are a lot of people like this out there and I've met many of them. It's really okay if you don't want to be her friend anymore. I remember reading some long, tortured diary entries I made in college when my first friend was like this and it was killing me and I was so mad at myself and confused about WHY I could be so selfish, here was this person who liked me and I was so arrogant as to not like her back?? What was wrong with me? Now I read them and I'm like "Oh my god, girl, stop, please! Both of you just stop!"

I think this statement of yours makes this really clear to me:
I could deal with it if it was like underneath the longwinded stories there was a base of a person who cares about and takes an active interest in others but it's like she can't be bothered.

Cutting her off might hurt her feelings in the short term but. When you put yourself out there and try to meet people you're gambling that the other person will like you. Sometimes they don't. The hurt feelings is part of the deal. Maybe next time she'll meet someone like her and all will be well. You know?
posted by bleep at 6:34 PM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

This does not sound worth a breakup, but maybe worth a demotion from friend to friendly acquaintance. Less time together, but still seeing each other when circumstances work out. So you still hang out at dance events, car pool to things when appropriate, etc, but much less one-on-one time. I also find that switching any one-on-one time to activity-based--going to a movie or play, doing a paint night or ice skating or something--can let you spend time without having conversations that are frustratingly missing the depth you are looking for.

Even if you do decide not to be friends anymore, I would do it by slow fade, NOT conversation. There is no benefit in telling her that she tells long, boring stories about stuff no one is interested in (especially if that stuff is her health, which, even if it's minor, probably feels pretty life-consuming to her). She's socially awkward, and you don't need to be her pity-friend if you don't want to be, but do not give her a bunch of negative feedback before you go.
posted by gideonfrog at 6:40 PM on February 3, 2019 [18 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks all for the feedback. You've given me some good things to think about.
posted by mermily at 6:51 PM on February 3, 2019

Nothing wrong with just being friendly acquaintances. You can chat a bit when you see her at dance class (or where ever) but you don't need to make an effort to go out to lunch or other activities that involve a lot of talking. Not every friend has to be close and personal to you. You're just not that compatible but there's nothing here to suggest a need to DTMFA. Just keep things light but not close.
posted by acidnova at 7:14 PM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

This recent CaptainAwkward might be relevant to your interests.

Slow fade/downgrade is the right idea. Be able to engage in (probably one-sided) pleasantries when you run into each other. Don’t go out of your way to spend time together.
posted by armeowda at 7:36 PM on February 3, 2019

If I knew someone felt about me the way you feel about this person, I would want them to stop being my friend. Not because feeling that way makes you bad or wrong, just... I want my friends to be people who I make feel good. I wouldn't want to be part of a friendship that made someone feel that way.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:13 PM on February 3, 2019 [11 favorites]

I do not think she is going to change. Sometimes there are people you just accept as who they are and deal with them on their terms when it is convenient for you. If you want her to be something she is not, then slow fade her. If you accept that this is who she is and are ok with interacting with her on those terms, then do so.
posted by AugustWest at 8:27 PM on February 3, 2019

I don't know if the source of my frustration is going to change.

Since the immediate source of your frustration is your own unwillingness to let go of your preconceived expectations of how friends behave in favour of accepting this person as she is, it's definitely within your power to change. What happens to the friendship after it does change remains an open question.

I ask her a lot about her life and try to think of questions about things that might be unique about her and I guess I want her to feel good when we're spending time together.

Managing her feelings is not something it's actually possible for you to do. They're her feelings. Managing them is her job. Yours is to experience, note and respond skillfully to your own.

I guess what bothers me is when I'm with her I feel like I expend a lot of energy expressing care and like.. actively looking for her fun spark which I honestly have a little trouble finding.

To me, this reveals a somewhat transactional view of friendship: I do things that I expect to please you in order that you will then do things that please me.

The way I see friendship is way simpler and less fraught than that, and involves no accounting. A friend is somebody whose company you enjoy and who enjoys yours, and who you think of fondly when they're not around. That's all there is to it. Everything else follows from that, including the desire to help friends out when they're in trouble. I don't buy into this whole business of friends being obligated to one another, or keeping score about who contacts whom more often, or any of that. Friendship is a spontaneous state of being, not a negotiated settlement.

It follows from this that friends "breaking up" is not really a thing. Sometimes it happens that getting to know somebody better reveals a clash of fundamental values that makes it too hard for one or both to enjoy the other's company any more, but that's as close as it gets. Friendship doesn't require a formal compact, so there's nothing to break up.

When you're with this person I suggest that you talk less and listen more, and pay attention to your own feelings, and if it turns out that you don't actually enjoy her company and consistently walk away from any encounter feeling more drained than uplifted, just don't seek it out. If she wants to hang out with you, she will seek you out instead.

Accepting her as she is, rather than putting your own expectations of how she ought to behave upon her, will give you the best chance of enjoying her company rather than being drained by it and is also the single greatest gift any friend can give another. It won't guarantee that you'll have a good time with her - the two of you might well turn out not to be compatible - but it should remove the resentment that's currently poisoning any friendship that might end up being sustained.
posted by flabdablet at 9:17 PM on February 3, 2019 [24 favorites]

The vast majority of close friendships are built on commonalities - which you state you don't really have with this person. I think this person fits more into the category of a frequent acquaintance rather than an actual friend. I think I'd try to identify at least one more person to add to your after-dance meals so that there are more than two of you, which might help to even out the personalities and give you a bit of a break.
posted by summerstorm at 10:25 PM on February 3, 2019

Another thing that occurred to me while thinking this question over: it seems to me that friendship is a kind of weighted sum of the various qualities of the relationship between two people, that as such it exists on a continuum from none at all to super-strong, and that its strength typically evolves over time as the people themselves and the weightings they assign to the various component qualities do.

I think a lot of people cause themselves a lot of easily avoidable angst by trying to force friendship to be a binary classifier: either this person is my friend or they are not. I think the fact that you're worried about whether to "break up" with a friend in is an indication that you might have succumbed to this error, as is the fact that you'd even bring up the topic of what qualities you look for in a friend.

If you start with the person in front of you and think about how much and what kinds of friendship you experience with that person, rather than starting from a pre-existing category labelled "friends" and trying to decide whether this person is or ought to be one of those or not, you'll cause yourself less distress.
posted by flabdablet at 10:29 PM on February 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

Have to ask, does your friend have Aspergers or Autism? Not that it would oblige you to be friends with her (and clearly I cannot diagnose over the internet ) but I thought it might lessen some of the irritation you feel around her if you looked at it through that lens.

Otherwise it does seem like you don’t like her very much: do the slow fade, but if she does have autism or Aspergers be prepared to explain.
posted by EatMyHat at 11:02 PM on February 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

She has longterm ongoing health issues and you're frustrated because you can't find her "fun spark"?

Yes it is probably best to let this relationship coast back into "dance buddies" territory. I am an introvert with periodic depression and generally a low-key personality. My "fun spark" does not operate on command. I am who I am, and friends who insist on positivity and their brand of fun are demoted to friendly acquaintances pretty quickly.

flabdablet's comment is worth a close read and some introspection.
posted by headnsouth at 4:04 AM on February 4, 2019 [10 favorites]

It sounds like you see her as a "C" friend but you keep putting "A+" work into the friendship. If she never asks about your life it's okay to stop asking about hers. You don't have to have a deep, meaningful connection to enjoy dancing together. Maybe just hang out at dances and talk about the music and the other dancers.
posted by bunderful at 5:50 AM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]

Based on this question, I see no compelling reason for you to continue hanging out with her. You don't seem to like spending time with her and you aren't connected in some way that requires seeing each other. Just ghost her via the slow fade. Chalk it up to "growing apart." You don't need to "break up" with her.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:12 PM on February 4, 2019