Junk to jazz
January 30, 2019 5:14 AM   Subscribe

Help me get my sex life back after genital surgery gone wrong.

I had a series of genital surgeries. The last one, a few years ago, went badly. If 0 is "can't get wet/hard" and 100 is "nothing down there is even recognizable," I'm at least a 50. Some bits are numb, some are in the wrong place, and some aren't there at all anymore. None of the ways I used to have genital sex still work: either they're not mechanically possible or they no longer feel good.

For a while, I gave up on having sex using my genitals. I've still got hands and a mouth and they work great. But I'd like to go back to having sex that feels good physically, and maybe even sex that gets me off — something my partner is also super supportive of. And that means figuring my genital situation out.

And I'm just... stumped.

Things I know in theory: "Try masturbating," "Try using a vibrator," "Relax," "Fantasize," "Don't focus on having an orgasm." Okay. Even at my most relaxed, even armed with my trusty Hitachi, even with fantasies or porn that did it for me before, even trying my best to set aside any goals, poking around down there is somewhere between "sticking a finger in my ear" and "washing my [previous] junk in the shower" — sometimes annoying, sometimes low-key pleasant, sometimes even a tingle or two, but just never all that compelling.

I'm sure some of this is psychological. I find the look-and-feel of things down there humiliating and disgusting. It makes me feel like less of a person. Yes, this is not great, and yes, I'm in therapy.

If you've come back from something like this, and managed to rebuild a sex life that isn't just about getting your partner off, what besides therapy helped?

(For private comments: snarfleblorf@gmail.com)
posted by anonymous to Grab Bag (7 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
Does your therapist specialize in sex therapy? If not, you might try to find a(nother) therapist with that expertise. You might be able to find someone near you through AASECT.

Good luck!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 5:49 AM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


No personal experience, but a thought:

Lots of people get aroused without their genitals being touched; via porn, having their neck kissed, their legs stroked, etc. Did that happen for you prior to surgery? Does it now?

If it does, then focusing only on those things for a while might get you to a place where you generally feel better about your sexuality, and might be able to move towards genital stimulation more effectively then, once you're already somewhat aroused.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
posted by metasarah at 6:08 AM on January 30, 2019


A lot of people who give birth experience injuries to their genitals that cause trauma, appearance changes, and nerve damage. Pelvic floor physiotherapy is helpful to many of them. Perhaps seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist would help you? They can use different kinds of touch, muscle work, relaxation work, dilator tools, showing you things with a mirror, showing you other images, lots of different strategies, to help you. Even if your genitals didn't start as a vagina, a creative pelvic floor physio could probably help.

Also, and of course you know this, but genitals don't make the person. Maybe making a point of adding images to your life that show people with major body differences or disabilities would help you normalize your own body. Look for hashtags like disability positivity on instagram. Rebekah Taussig in particular is amazing.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:10 AM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


Genital surgery is not an experience I’ve had, however, switching to viewing masturbating or sex as stimulating certain nerves really shifted something for me mentally; there’s lots of innervation down there, and stimulating most of those nerves can feel good, even if they’re not exactly in the spaces or on the parts that people tend to go for in most kinds of sex. (I’m a cis woman but what created this paradigm shift was reading Mira Bellwether’s zine, Fucking Trans Women, which talks about this and has diagrams of the different nerves running through the genital area. That zine has been around forever and I realize it may not be new to you, but the specific paradigm of just seeing things as stimulating nerves might be.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:46 AM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


I can't tell how relevant things like this question may be to you. There is probably a lot of discussion about fallout from prostate surgery in particular because it's both common and connected to cis males, so I apologize if it is irrelevant. The takeaway from it, for me, is similar to what needs more cowbell references: concentrating on other areas with a high concentration of nerves.
posted by BibiRose at 7:12 AM on January 30, 2019


I'm not in your same situation, but as a person in menopause and experiencing a drastically reduce sex drive, I can really relate to your comment about porn and fantasies that used to do it for you no longer feeling compelling enough to get you all the way there. Which makes me wonder if you've got some hormonal issues in the mix. Maybe go get that looked into? Even if you are currently doing some kind of hormonal therapy, it might be possible to adjust it to facilitate more sexual urge/sensation. I haven't yet looked into it myself but in addition to systemic hormones, there are also some topical preparations that can help increase sensation and help with hormone-related atrophy of the genitals.


Another thought... maybe look into g-spot or prostate stimulation, if you still have those tissues. Personally I find g-spot stimulation to be pretty necessary these days, it seems to jump-start the other nerves in the area into responding.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 7:45 AM on January 30, 2019


I suggest exploring anal stimulation - a butt plug, an anal-appropriate dildo or vibrator. If you have a prostate, that can be stimulated to orgasm; if you had/have a clitoris, there is a considerable amount of that organ located internally that can also be stimulated to orgasm via the anus even if you have no working external clitoris.
posted by mannyfeefees at 9:52 AM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]


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