My husband's ex contacted him to wish him a happy birthday. Is this bad?

January 24, 2019 7:26 PM

My husband's ex contacted him to wish him a happy birthday. Should i be worried and should i tell him to block her?

My husband's ex whom he dated for 4 months and broke up with, contacted him after 5 years on facebook messenger and wished him a happy birthday.
My husband told me this and said he didnt respond to her.
He is not facebook friends with her anymore nor is friends with her.
Should i tell him to block her? He mentioned that may be she contacted him because she is lonely. Currently it appears she is living in another state and not near where we are.

posted by direct1 to Human Relations (36 answers total)

You shouldn't 'tell' your husband to do anything. She literally just said "Happy Birthday" after 5 years? This is not even anything close to a problem. The only reaction this warrants, if any at all, would be 'oh that's nice honey, did you remember to buy milk at the store?'
posted by greta simone at 7:43 PM on January 24, 2019 [189 favorites]

Not responding seems like enough.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:45 PM on January 24, 2019 [16 favorites]

Either you trust your husband, or you don't. Asking him to block her seems like a wild overreaction. They dated for four months, five years ago, and haven't had much contact since. Do you think this one interaction between them endangers your marriage? If so, a lonely ex wistfully wishing your husband a happy birthday is the least of your problems.
posted by yasaman at 7:46 PM on January 24, 2019 [74 favorites]

You reacting unreasonably emotionally over this will have more negative consequences for your relationship than the 'happy birthday ' would. Let it go, it doesn't mean anything, a Facebook happy birthday message is low impact in the world of today. He's married to you, I don't see why this would threaten your marriage at all to warrant any reaction.
posted by AzraelBrown at 7:49 PM on January 24, 2019 [12 favorites]

So Facebook did its usual, and she happened to see something mentioning his birthday through mutual acquaintances, and was nice enough to say Happy Birthday. This isn't an issue.

The only issue I see is that you may be experiencing some insecurity, and that has more to do with yourself (and maybe your relationship) than it does with anyone exterior to it. Whether that insecurity extends to jealousy, control issues, or even has valid basis in your relationship, only you and your spouse know that.
posted by stormyteal at 7:49 PM on January 24, 2019 [16 favorites]

There are always going to be people who are attracted to your partner, a million possible distractions and opportunities - the main thing is how how he handles it. Sounds like he did a good job, unless there’s missing info. (The main-main thing is how you two are with each other.)

Even if this ex has designs on your husband, he’s not taking the bait, and he’s honest with you about it, it’s all good.

You could drive yourself crazy worrying and trying to control things, but 1) you can’t control anyone, if they’re going to cheat they’re just going to, and 2) doing that will make him LESS inclined to be open, which is more likely to twig your antennae and make you feel more anxious, which might make him feel unjustly accused and want to pull away, thus creating, potentially, a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s lower-maintenance to just relax and trust him.

(I mean let him know if you’re made uncomfortable by someone’s behaviour, or if he handled something in a way that upset you, he should care about that. But it sounds like he did all right here.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:23 PM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

He's ignoring her message, which should be enough to make any reasonable ex back off. Here's what should happen: if she messages again, he can either ignore or block. If a third time, he will probably want to block. If he doesn't, ask him how he feels about it...and if he talks about any negative feelings, you can suggest that he block.

Asking him to block now isn't reasonable on your part. You're making assumptions, trying to read minds. "She's up to no good, she's going to persist, he's going to re-engage with her, this is going to be a big problem." You don't know any of these things.
posted by wryly at 8:40 PM on January 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

If she has stalker-y tendencies, then yes, by all means, encourage (don't tell) your husband to block her. Otherwise, I'd ignore and carry on.
posted by dubious_dude at 8:46 PM on January 24, 2019

Do you trust your husband?
posted by Grandysaur at 8:56 PM on January 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

I would be hard pressed to think of anything more innocuous than a relatively short term ex, from 5 years ago, that lives in another state, with no other complicating factors wishing my spouse a happy birthday along with the bazillion other former friends and neighbors that do so because the website literally reminds them to do so.

I honestly don't see even an iota of issue here.
posted by RolandOfEld at 9:02 PM on January 24, 2019 [27 favorites]

I've wished many exes a happy birthday on FB. Also many people I haven't dated. Some friends, some acquaintances, my rabbi, one lady I sat next to on a plane one time. Some were people I have fond memories of; some were just... I don't know, I thought it would be nice to say happy birthday when prompted to by the system. I have no sexual designs upon any of these people. If that helps.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:07 PM on January 24, 2019 [15 favorites]

It is not bad.
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:08 PM on January 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

Your reaction tells me you don't totally trust him. I think intuition is really valuable and should be listened to. So... Why don't you trust him? (even if the reasons seem small). Why did your husband tell you about a private message? Is he trying to make you jealous? Has he been unfaithful to you or other partners in the past? Does he trust you?

Your question history shows some past small conflicts with your husband, like about painting and rice, that, while none are terrible, make it sound like he isn't always respectful of others. I think you should trust your intuition.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:15 PM on January 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

If the genders were reversed in this question, and the woman wrote in asking what she should do because her husband was telling her to block people online, I would tell her to consider leaving her controlling husband. You are being controlling. This is, absent any other evidence, incredibly controlling. Your inability to trust your husband is your problem. He dated her for 4 months five years ago, who cares?
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 9:23 PM on January 24, 2019 [22 favorites]

I don't use Facebook, but I know that linkedin harasses me constantly to "congratulate people" for various random crap. In a parallel universe I might click-to-congratulate more out of apathy than anything else. Perhaps that's what's happening here?
posted by klanawa at 10:04 PM on January 24, 2019

Should i be worried and should i tell him to block her?

I don’t think the internet has any idea. Your husband will know though.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:06 PM on January 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

My girlfriend is currently having dinner with her ex-husband and guess what? The only thing I am feeling is slightly bored, I trust her, I have zero doubts and there is zero risk from their attempts to maintain some form of relationship.

You might consider talking to someone or at least doing some reading on the issue of trust within a relationship.
posted by Cosine at 10:13 PM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

I agree this is a non issue, and for me personally, has emotional significance of someone saying “bless you” after I’ve sneezed.

I do think people are jumping on you a bit. Your husband gave you information, you’re wondering how best to proceed with that info. Provided that husband isn’t acting like hes secretly itching to respond, in secret, let this blow past.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 10:32 PM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

I wouldn't consider this sort of contact prima facie problematic, no.

However, I live in a place where platonic socialization between men and women is pretty common. The phrasing of your question makes me wonder if you're from a place where it isn't, and therefore where this sort of communication doesn't read as innocently as it would to me. If so, that would be relevant context to mention, as AskMe isn't likely to assume it.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 10:48 PM on January 24, 2019 [7 favorites]

Well, he didn’t have to tell you. Do you think he was trying to make you jealous? Or simply passing along something out of a sense of being completely honest?

In any case, in my world, not only is the message fine, but so too would have been a response of, “Thanks! I hope you’re well!”

Four months does not seem like a very significant relationship. That fact that you’re worried points either to your insecurities or shady behavior from your husband in the past.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:10 PM on January 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

I was ready to say that I think you are overreacting in a major way, when I went and read a couple of your other questions. I have to say, I think your husband sounds really jerky. This ex-girlfriend thing is a small thing to get so worried about, but maybe you are feeling insecure because...he doesn't treat you that well?
posted by thereader at 11:27 PM on January 24, 2019 [18 favorites]

Okay, yeah, it sounds like you and your husband might really benefit from attending couples’ counseling together. It sounds like there are communication problems.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:35 PM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Wishing someone a happy birthday after five years is not indicative of anything other than her having a fleeting kind memory of him on his birthday. I should hope that my exes think of me kindly from time to time.

Honestly, unless the “happy birthday” message came with a nude or something, it seems like just a nice gesture. For Pete sake. He has no obligation to respond, but I have no idea why you would object to him catching up with an old friend over email, especially since that old friend is living many miles away and might be lonely.

Last summer I went to a wedding for my best friend of many years. She is still friends with an ex of mine from more than a decade ago. He was at the wedding and frankly I was fucking delighted to see him and catch up for bit since he moved across country eight years back. I don’t even think my husband commented on it? He was introduced and then wandered off to get more snacks while I got a chance to reminisce.

Don’t freak out over minor contact- the *only* thing that does is encourage your husband to do walk on eggshells and keep secrets that don’t have to be secret. Don’t try to control who he gets to talk to (yuck!). Being able to have cordial, casual conversations with past romantic interests is a skill I wish more people would have.
posted by Blisterlips at 2:55 AM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

After reading some of your other questions- boy howdy- it looks like you guys have a high drama relationship. My above comment stands, but it wouldn’t hurt for you guys to maybe do a little work with a therapist or something cause that is a lot of complications over low grade shit.
posted by Blisterlips at 3:07 AM on January 25, 2019 [15 favorites]

It would make me feel weird too, if my partners ex who he is not Facebook friends with looked him up specifically to wish him a happy birthday.

I’ve also had random exes contact me years later with a “hows it going” text or something.

I think it’s super weird to do that, but I’ve ignored the messages and they don’t reach out again. I would expect the same of your husbands’s ex. He’s sending her the message by not responding that he’s not interested in whatever it is made her look him up, and that sends a strong enough message if she’s not cray.
posted by DoubleLune at 4:10 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

I don’t think I would worry very much about this (but my husband has legit gone on friend dates with his drama-llama high school ex and I’m cool, so I think our comfort zones are really differently placed). What my attention is drawn to is that looking at your past questions, it feels like you’re leaning on AskMe as a sort of referee for disagreements with your partner. I’m not sure this is the best idea. I can’t tell if you’re doing it because your husband is dismissive and you feel like your words aren’t enough, or because you have trouble letting arguments go, or something, but I can’t imagine it is helpful for intimacy in your marriage (I mean emotional intimacy/trust). Why do you think you do it? What happens once you’ve polled this corner of the internet? Does it bring you peace? Satisfaction? Does it prolong the disagreement, or end it?
posted by eirias at 4:50 AM on January 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

I've also looked through your five questions about your marriage, and that is... a lot of conflict. I'm not at all convinced that your husband bears more than 50% of the responsibility for these issues -- in fact, I suspect he may bear much less. You definitely seem to be exacerbating some minor disagreements/issues with your behaviour. Please get marriage counselling and/or individual counselling. You need to develop better boundaries and better conflict resolution skills, among other things.
posted by orange swan at 5:16 AM on January 25, 2019 [15 favorites]

This would not bother me at all, and blocking her would feel like a drastic overreaction unless/until she keeps reaching out several times despite a lack of response. (Not to mention the general idea of 'telling' your spouse who to block on social media seems like a bad one 90% of the time.) But I'm not in your marriage, and maybe for you guys this is an issue. In which case, it seems like it's one small outcropping of a larger issue (trust? intimacy? anxiety?), and probably more worth focusing on the larger issue than picking at this one bit of it.
posted by Stacey at 5:45 AM on January 25, 2019

No it's not bad, and I agree with other folks here that it sounds like you are rather distrusting and controlling of your husband. It would be good if you could find a way to get to the bottom of why that is, because that is a recipe for a very unhappy relationship. I don't know you guys well enough to be able to give you any real insight into where that dynamic is coming from, but it's not a good dynamic and unless you and/or your husband decide that the best way forward is a divorce, fixing it should be a high priority for you.

Note that increasing the amount of control you attempt to impose is not a viable substitute for building trust. I know it's probably tempting to think that if only he would do X, Y, and Z then you could trust him, but it never, ever works like that.

Therapy and counseling would probably not be bad ideas. In my own experience, it's very hard for couples to break out of this kind of situation on their own.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:09 AM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that you are insecure but perhaps a little naive with regard to this situation. It could be a case of you needing to hear others telling you that you don't need to worry about it for you to think, Whoa, I really overthought that! In which case I would think talking to your husband about it could really be a learning experience for you and how you can sometimes get a laugh out of something you never expected.
posted by waving at 1:09 PM on January 25, 2019

I remember your past questions, and you guys have a very high-conflict relationship. Past responses have established that the two of you do not communicate well. This is just another event in a long list of events that highlight the issues in your relationship.

You seem to be the type of person who reads into other people's social media activity way too much, and then project your assumptions on to your relationship. You and your husband do need counseling, as has been advised in the past. No one here knows for sure whether or not you need to be concerned. What you do need to do is to stop trying to control every part of your husband's life.

Whatever you do, do not reach out to your husband's ex, like you did with your SIL's ex when you messaged him to tell him his girlfriend was misbehaving. That sort of behavior is unacceptable.
posted by Everydayville at 2:15 PM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

If your husband wanted to connect with this chick, he probably would not have told you about the text.

You feel you can "tell him to block her" .. ...Did he ask you, "what do you want me to do?" If not, it is presumptuous of you to control this. Does he have the same option of telling you what to do or not do?

Maybe it is just worded wrong, but I think this is emasculating and very insulting to your husband.

Do you trust him or not? If you don't, ask him to block her, but then address the bigger issue.
posted by rhonzo at 4:48 PM on January 25, 2019

Not knowing anything other than the facts given here, it actually strikes me as rude of him not to reply with at least a simple thank you.
posted by Philemon at 8:09 PM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

I just wanted to say that this has happened to me. Random people from my past reaching out on Facebook wishing me a happy birthday. I don't think it means anything necessarily.
posted by xammerboy at 11:33 PM on January 25, 2019

Here's my story. I had a dear friend from many years ago and because life gets busy we kind of fell out of touch, but I kept telling myself that when things slowed down, I'd re-establish contact. Eventually I called her, just to catch up on old times - and found out she'd died the year before. I was terribly upset and angry at myself. So now I am reaching out to all those other old friends - just to say "hi" - because I don't want that happening again. That's all. Just "hi". Just keeping in touch. It doesn't mean anything other than keeping a line of communication open and available to people who have been part of your life. I think unless this person is a head case, the husband should have said hello. It's no big deal.
posted by KazamaSmokers at 4:16 PM on January 26, 2019

A stray happy birthday from someone from your past, romantic or otherwise, is even more innocuous than a happy thanksgiving or new years, each of which is completely unremarkable and likely out of a generic sense of good will or positivity. This is because the various social websites prompt you to wish happy birthday to folks even if you aren't "friends". I have to use a software at work that happens to tell me people's birthdays for some reason, and the only positive thing about this software is I occasionally get to say "happy birthday!" to people I work with that I don't know closely, because it's just nice to wish someone a happy birthday.

Agree with some other posters he could have shot over a quick "thanks :)" and that would be more polite, but either way he told you about this tiny random detail of his life, and doesn't deserve suspicion for .. being wished a happy birthday.

(PS Happy birthday to your husband from this complete stranger!)
posted by love2potato at 5:52 PM on January 28, 2019