Treatment for depression and close relationships
January 23, 2019 6:57 AM   Subscribe

I'm wondering if medication or transcranial magnetic therapy for depression might help me form and sustain close relationships. What's your experience?

I've dealt with depression for decades and haven't been on medication in nearly 20 years. The meds helped only marginally, if at all, so I gave them up.

When I was on medication (and younger), I had some people I considered close friends, although even those relationships were somewhat fraught. Time went on, I moved a few times (and they did too), and I'm not in touch with those people any more. I was also drinking at the time and I hope never to return to it, but it did make socializing a tiny bit easier.

Since I've been off medication, I haven't been able to form close friendships at all. I don't feel anything for people, any closeness or warmth... just awkwardness, and shame that my life is so devoid of close human contact. I feel like Rip Van Winkle: like I've been in a cave for 2 decades.

I have some activity pals and acquaintances, but no one that really wants to see me or really values my company ... or whom I really want to see. Can't imagine why: I must be boring af. To reduce the boringness, I travel, read, go to movies, play an instrument ... it all kind of falls flat, honestly, but I continue to do the things.

I have no family left, and romantic relationships are out of the question for me; I've never been of much interest to guys and I got sick of performing for them long ago.

I can't imagine living out the rest of my life this way, and therapy/meditation/exercise/bla bla bla don't help. CBT wouldn't even reach the void I feel. 12 step keeps me sober and has given me some activity pals: that's it. Yes, I belong to community groups; yes, I've volunteered. I'd appreciate it if you don't suggest talk therapy/CBT/12 step/joining groups.

So I'm reconsidering medication, maybe transcranial magnetic therapy too. I'll be undergoing some psych testing and making an appointment with a psychiatrist soon.

tl;dr: if you're on medication or undergone transcranial magnetic therapy, do you think it's helped you form close friendships? Were you like me and have things gotten better?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
I have some activity pals and acquaintances, but no one that really wants to see me or really values my company ... or whom I really want to see. Can't imagine why: I must be boring af. To reduce the boringness, I travel, read, go to movies, play an instrument ... it all kind of falls flat, honestly, but I continue to do the things.

This is pretty much textbook anhedonia, which is absolutely a symptom of depression. It seems like you've identified this as the likely thing that's blocking you from forming close relationships (which makes sense). If that's the case, something that helps your depression will likely help you form close relationships. That's not quite what you asked, though - you asked if medication or tmt will help you form close friendships. My answer is no, not directly, but anything that helps your depression probably will.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:58 AM on January 23, 2019 [4 favorites]


When I have been off medication, I tend to retreat to my cave. I am not interested in maintaining friendships, responding to calls or emails, going out of my house or just generally trying to be a pleasant human. When I am on a medication that works, I am more than willing to do all of these things, which helps me to maintain and/or start new friendships.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:04 AM on January 23, 2019 [4 favorites]


Medication has helped my relationships in the sense that it's lifted enough of the depression and anxiety to clear space in my brain for better coping skills that let me do things like "believe people when they tell me they want to spend time with me" and "answer an email in a semi-normal amount of time vs. letting it sit for a year." I'd say that it's improved my overall ability to function in life, which includes improving my ability to interact with other people.

I still tend toward a small number of friends, and a lot of online interaction, but that's fine with me. It would take a damn powerful medication to turn me into someone with dozens of close friends who's out with people five nights a week, but there's a lot of ground between that and hermit-with-no-close-attachments, and returning to meds might help you find a comfortable patch of that ground for yourself.
posted by Stacey at 8:09 AM on January 23, 2019 [6 favorites]


I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds really exhausting and demoralizing for you. I have been on medication for decades and I also went through a TMS protocol. I, too, have treatment resistant depression that is difficult at best to manage.

My experience with TMS was that it was quite painful for me, and I had to take low doses of hydrocodone just to get through the sessions. After the 6 weeks of treatment was over, I didn't really feel a lot of relief. But that's me. Some people get a really good response and TMS changes their life. From what I understand, it's different for everyone and the only way to find out if it will work is to try it.

What ultimately seemed to help in my case more than anything was a low dose of levothyroxine (thyroid).

As far as the feelings you describe, I agree with the above poster that you're experiencing anhedonia which is absolutely a classic symptom of depression.

To answer your question, I personally don't think there is any specific treatment for helping to form close relationships. It can be a challenge for anyone whether they have depression or not. Based on my own experience with depression and 12 step recovery, when I started to feel okay in my own skin, then building friendships got easier. My life has improved, to be sure, but it doesn't always feel easy. Hope you get to a better place.
posted by strelitzia at 8:11 AM on January 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


While psychopharmacology has advanced since 20 years ago, it's not clear that we have that much better a grasp on the biology of "depression"; we've just thrown more things at it since then, and some of it has stuck better than other things in the past. It's still a lot of trial-and-error when put into practice these days; it's not uncommon for people to try out multiple meds/combinations under psychiatric supervision.

FWIW, I was on meds (SSRIs and SNRIs) through my young adulthood and I don't think it had that much of an effect on my ability to form close relationships. It made previously daunting things (like interacting with bank tellers) much less daunting, so in that sense it helped me to get myself into social situations where I would even run into opportunities for close relationships. It just didn't seem to do much for me in terms of transitioning from that social acquaintance/distant-friend relationship to something more. The other thing I noticed is that while it made the unpleasant feelings duller, so too did it dull the pleasant feelings; maybe that had an effect on taking casual relationships to more emotionally intimate ones, I honestly am not sure even now. But what I did realize was that I didn't like that flattening effect on me overall, and it wasn't adding more than it was taking away, so I stopped taking it (after consultation with a psychiatrist).

One option, if you haven't done this before (or ever), is to consider getting a bloodwork panel done on yourself. In some cases treatment-refractory depression will turn out to be a symptom of some underlying but undiagnosed medical condition - a common one you see is with various forms of thyroidism. And from personal anecdata, I have one relative who was very depressed, and then found that she had a genetically mediated enzyme-metabolism issue of some sort; she was treated for that with medication (but not psychotropics), and the depression improved drastically as a result. I'm not saying it would be so simple for you, but that kind of thing does happen for some folks. Maybe you might be one of them.

The psych testing is a great first step either way though, and I hope you'll learn something useful and eye-opening about yourself from it, something that you can use to get to where you want to get.
posted by obliterati at 8:59 AM on January 23, 2019 [3 favorites]


Any successful treatment of depression is likely to make you a more socially outgoing and socially "successful" person. It doesn't really matter what kind of treatment you pursue per se. Treating your depression, if successful (meaning lessened symptoms, not necessarily no symptoms) will probably pay social dividends.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 10:23 AM on January 23, 2019


...I must be boring af. ... I have no family left, and romantic relationships are out of the question for me; I've never been of much interest to guys and I got sick of performing for them long ago.

Look, if you don't want to date, that's fine. And if you don't want to perform for other people, that's fine. But this is an awful lot of negative self-talk. It's not that you don't like men; it's that they're not interested in you, as you've put it. It's not just that you're not interested in people as friends, but you must be boring. This makes you responsible for how people behave towards you. I'd encourage you to work on that.

It is harder to make close friendships as an adult, especially when you've moved a few times. I'm finding now that I'm having to be quite intentional in all of my new relationships, whether dating or friends. And sometimes the friends part takes more work than dating because people often prioritize romantic relationships.

I was on medication for a while and am not anymore. I'm having more success now in making and building friendships. But it's also because I've deliberate and intentional about developing friendships. Before, I think I thought it would be like in my 20s, in school and right after: in the course of living life, I would develop friendships. I do have work friends but I was wanting more but also not putting in the effort. Now I am making efforts, and that's making a big difference for me.

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:12 PM on January 23, 2019 [2 favorites]


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